A Journey to happiness

Rochester Institute of Technology

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5-23-1992

A Journey to happiness

Laura Bauer

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Recommended Citation

ROCHESTER INSTITUTE OFTECHNOLOGY

A Thesis Submittedto the

Faculty

of

The College ofFine andApplied Arts

in

Candidacy

for the Degree of

MASTER OF FINE ARTS

A

Journey

toHappiness

By

Laura E. Bauer

Approvals

Adviser: Edward Miller

Date:

S-

~o.

9

z,-Associate AjIviser: Jack Slutzky

Date·

~'..,

/,

• \ o - ! / l / ; : '

, ;' J'

c---Associate Adviser: Karen Sardisco

Date:

~!t-&/71/

Associate Adviser: Alan Singe/?/)_

Date:

v

II

JlItAh1

-;LI

12-Special

Assist~tl

the Dean for GractCate

A~fairs:

Date:

!5jl~g!

(2-Dean, Collete, of Fine and Applied Arts:

Date:

GJ1J \

n

I, Laura E. Bauer, hereby grant pennission to the Wallace Memorial Library of

RIT, to reproduce my thesis in whole or in part. Any reproduction will not be

for commercial use or profit.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT

I would like to thank Edward

Miller,

Karen

Sardisco,

Jack Slutzky, Alan

Singer,

PREFACE

This thesis represents a _coming to terms with _{my feelings} of

being

a victim of

rape. The

body

ofpaintings that I completed communicates an active

involvement on _my part to use art as a

healing

process.

By

_using abstract floral

forms I have worked towards _achieving a

feeling

ofinnerpeace. Ihave realized

that

by

_expressing myselfthrough _my work I was able to confront _{my feelings} of

vulnerability but have also begun to

develop

and assert _my feelings of stregnth.

This paper reflects _{my ability} to speak of_{the crime,} and

by looking

at

some ofthe reasons behindthe rape _{expressing my} feelings aboutthe incident in

my life and

discussing

the individualpieces ofwork and their_relationship the

TABLE OF CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

1

PREFACE 2

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 3

BODY ₄

WORKS CITED 11

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

1. 1 Am Scared

2. 1 Am Alone

The_{formal definitionofrape asdescribed}

byThe AmericanLaw Institutereads:

Section213.1 RapeandRelatedOffenses.

(1)Rape. Amale whohas sexual_{intercoursewith afemale}nothiswife

is guiltyof rapeif:

(a)hecompelsherto submit to_byforceor_bythreatofimmanent

death,serious_{bodilyinjury,extremepain or}

kidnapping,tobe inflicted on_anyone; or

(b)he has_{substantially impairedherpowertoappraise or controlher}

conduct_{byadministering}or_employingwithouther knowledge_drugs, intoxicantsor other meansforthe purposeof_{preventingresistance;} or (c)female_{is unconscious;} or

(d) thefemale is lessthan 10years old. (H,p24)

It was _{only recently} that I recognized that an incident in my life had serious

implications forme.

Upon entering college I began

developing

friendships. I discovered the

excitement of new relationships. The _shy, introspective individual that I entered

school as soonblossomed into a more _outgoing and confident person.

My

personal life began to evolve and mature. As I matured_my artwork became _very

important to me.

This new confidence was shattered one night. Itwas like any other_night,

going to parties and _sharing with friends. On this particular _evening after a night

of too much _partying, I decided to _{sleep it} off at _{my friend's} apartment. Since I

was

fairly

intoxicatedI don't remembermuch other than _{waking up} the next

Six years ago I hadnever considered the _possibility of

becoming

a rape victim.

I _{discovered that I was a vulnerable}

young woman and I didn't realize that I had

to protect myselfwhen in the _company of_friends.

It has only been recently that the concept of"date

rape"

has _{been seriously}

discussed. This recent awareness has had a tremendous influence me. It has enabled me to confront and acknowledge that I had in fact... been raped!

I recognized that I fell into the _category of women _who, in a situationlike

this, _{have conflicting feelings} about the role _{theyplay in}this kind of assault.

This

testimony

from a woman who was raped about her_{feelings regarding} the

rapist after the

incident;

"People always _say, you

know,

"

time heals all

wounds," "things getbetter with

age,"

et cetera. I hate that fucker more _today than I did when it happened to

me."

(I,p364)

This quote seems to encompass the source ofsome of_{my inner} anger.

I found that because I was not _violently attacked it was hard forme to

acknowledge this incident as a rape. As I tried to ignore the

incident,

I found that

my feelings of self-worth began to erode. I began to live a new life engulfed in

innocent_promescuity and as _many parties one could fit into a week. This

interaction

with _my family.

Forthe past 3 years I have been

trying

to deal with_{my feelings concerning} a sense ofviolation and a _diminished sense of self respect.

My

one and _only

salvation _{has been my artwork. I realized that the physical nature of}

painting

allowed fora _pent-up emotion to be released. That became _very important to

me. I _discovered that through _{my painting} Iwas able to begin to re-establish

feelings of selfworth. This statement

by

Harriet Janis and Rudi Blesh describes a similiar_painting process used

by

Van Gogh and Soutine in theirpaintings:

"Van Gogh and Soutine painted_{violently but} theirpaintings were _momentary

releases fromthe battle _they waged with _{themselves."(3,p49)}

I found myselfdrawn to _using nature as the impetus for_my paintings,

because it had always given me a

feeling

of innerpeace. Somehow Ifelt that I belonged to nature due to the imperfections found in nature. I could now relate on a closer

level,

feeling

somewhat damaged

by

the rape. Now I am also able to

see that nature is full of

imperfections,

but each imperfection is perfect in it's own right. This paradox became the central theme of_my work. It became _very

important for me to find a source of _{non-threatening}

imagery

with which to

diffuse some ofthe negative and aggressive feelings I was having.

The artist Elizabeth Layton was also able to work through a tough period

the

Lookinp

_{Glass: Drawings Bv}

Elizabeth Lavton describes the

healing

process

that this artist _{traveled through:}

"Each

drawing,

_{it seemed had}

some _story or characterbehind

it, some

play-acting was crucial to its making. The _result,

Layton began to realize was _{somethinglike} an exorcism.

Drawing

was cathartic. _{She had noticedthat her depression} seemed to be _withering, her grief overher son abating.

"Contour

drawing

_is a wonderful _way to get rid of anger or

whatever you want ot get rid of,"

she told Lambert. It's even "one way to escape

depression.""(8,

_p9)

I found that the _evolutionary process of_{painting becomes} an experimental

roadway filled with_{many exciting and unusual results. Change is a part of} any

creative process. _Through the growth and development of_my work I noticed

relationship betweenthe_{positive and negative changes that occured throughout}

my life.

By

working through these changes in a _way that allowed me to be

detached on the conscious

level,

I was able to _{begin my} own arttherapy. This

route allowed me the _{non-threatening modality} which was _{necessary for my}

healing

process.

When working on a piece I want to achieve a finalproduct thatwill

empower the audience to reach out and touch the painting.

Having

the viewer

interested in the texture and application ofthe paint would _{satisfy my} conceptions

of an effective work of art. I feel that it is important to _totally engage the

viewer.

Henry

David Thoreau talks about the importance of_opening yourself_up

to _{painting. He}

writes,

"you must walk _sometimes

perfectly

free,

not _prying nor

inquisitive,

notbenton _{seeing things. Throw awaya whole}

day

for a single _inspiration of air... You must walk so _gentry

as tohear the finest _sounds, the faculties

lay

over eye levelwith her

smallest

leaf,

and take an _insectview ofits _plain."(9,pi

58)

Inthe symbolic _{sense, mypaintings represent an image of myself}

being

deflowered. The progression from "I Am Alone" to "Field OfFlowers"

represents the rebirth of_{my inner} self. The _painting "I AmAlone"

shows

confusion and _{anxiety representing my} self worth. After more than ten layers of

paint, and _{many hours} ofindecision I

finally

was able to reach an appropriate

image. This was _{my first breakthrough} on_my

journey

towards healing. I was a

fragile flower thatwas _suddenly uprooted. _It took more than 6 years ofhard

workto relearn that I deservedto be loved.

Moving

onto "I Am

Scared"

was a

less difficult task. I foundthat after one layer of paintI was satisfied with the

results. The transition from the first _painting did not seem as threatening. As I

moved onto _{my final} piece, "Field of

Flowers",

I foundmyselftrapped in a

similiarmode as in "I amAlone".

Looking

at other artists work such as Joan

Michell and Pat

Steir,

Iwas able to pull this work together. Iused an unusual

surface offiberglass _screening streched onto a wood frame. The paint was

appliedboth

by

brush and

by

a palette knife.

Many

different layers of paint were

involved in this experimentalprocess. This painting proved to be a great

challenge forme.

My

initial idea ofthis _painting was thatit wouldserve to

complete the _series, and in effect_my theraputic needs. I would later discover that

they

mayneverbe satisfied, and _certainlynot

by

two years of work and three

paintings.

The _vibrant, bold _{yellows, reds,}

blues,

_greens, and purples in my work

represent _my angerboth at myself and the attacker. Fora

long

time I denied the

incident even occurred.

Then,

_{the world became} more and more _{overwelming I}

came to recognize the incident. The pure anger coupled with _my new found

ability to use art as a vehile for whichto express_my intense emotions, has carried

about this

body

of work.

My

workin the _printmaking studio became more detailed and _story-like,

still _{very strong in} emotional content.

My

etchings allowed me to clear_up some

inconsistencies aboutthe attack formyself. This also reinforcedthat the attack

actually occurred. In fact these etchings were _{stirring up} so _many emotions thatI

seemed almost compelledto cut the zinc plates _up andthrow them in the acid so

thatthe image would

hopefully

disappear. I eventually did do this and there was a

great

feeling

of relief when the image was gone forever. This enabled me to

disassociate myselffrom the incident and allowed me to move to anotherlevel.

In the book "No

Fairy

Godmothers, No Magic Wands: The

Healing

Process After

Rape",

Judy

H. Katz describes almostthe same feelings Ihad while _writing this

thesis. She writes,

"Upon completion ofthe first

draft,

I found myself_trying

once again to leave the rape behind me. I would look for

ways to avoid _{going back} to the manuscript,

fearing

that

other feelings and issues would resurface as I reread and

reworked the manuscript.

Finally

one year later I developed

the impetus to complete the final draft.

My

fears that the

wounds would reopen did not hold true. As I reread the

manuscript,

however,

Igained new insights into my own

healing

process. I found that I described the rape as

"my"

rape. Somehow I was still _owning

being

_raped, that

is,

taking

responsibility to some degree thatI had been raped. I also

discovered that in the

long

term

healing

_process, I had described

feeling

very anxious attimes aboutthe _possibility of

being

raped again. Now I findthe degree of_anxiety has lessened.

I also discovered that the issues related to the long-term

process of

healing

were clearer to me when I returned to

the second _{draft. This only} points out how very

long

it takes

to integrate the experience into one's life. Even when I thought

that I had

fully

integratedthe _rape, Ire-leamed how

deep

the wounds

really are"(7,100-101)

I can't _say that I will ever be _totally

"healed",

but this work has allowed me to

expell some ofthe angerthat I had stored _up in me for a

long

time. I still feel

very angry. Sometimes it seems like I am a tea pot _ready to scream. I know I

stillhave alot of workto do.

I AmAlone,Oilon_Canvas,

72"

I AmScared,Oil on_Canvas,

72"

Field Of_Flowers, Oilon Vinyl_Screening,72"

WORKS CITED

1. Brownmiller,Susan. _{1975. Against Our Will.Men. Women}andRape. NewYork: Simon andSchuster.

2.

Flam,

Jack D. 1973. Matisse onArt. _{London: Pharadon.}

3.

Gaugh,

Harry

F.. 1983. Willem De Kooning. New York: Abbeville

Press.

4.

Goffman,

Erving. 1967. Interaction Ritual. Garden

City,

New York:

Doubleday.

5.

Hilberman,

Elaine. 1976. " Rape: The Ultimate ViolationofSelf.

American Journal of

Psychiatry

133 (April):436-437.

6.

Hinz,

Renate. 1981. Kathe Kollwitz. Graphics. Posters. Drawings.

New York: Pantheon Books.

7.

Katz,

Judy

H.. 1984. No Fairv Godmothers. No Magic Wands:The

Healing

Process After Rape. Saratoga: R&E Publishers.

8.

Layton,

Elizabeth. 1984. Through the Looking Glass: Drawings bv

Elizabeth Lavton. Kansas

City,

MO: Mid America Arts Alliance.

9.

Leslie,

Clare,

Walker. 1980. Nature Drawing. A Tool For Learning.

lO.Ratcliff,

Carter. 1986. Pat Steir Paintings. New York:

Harry

N.

Abrams,

Inc.,Publishers.

ll.Sanders,

William B.. 1980. Rape and AWoman's Identity.

Beverly

Hills: Sage Publications.

12.Warshaw,

Robin. 1988. T Never CalledIt Rape. New York: Harper

&Row,

Publishers.

Bibliography

1. Brownmiller,Susan. 1975. Against Our_{WiU.Men. Women} andRape.

NewYork: Simonand Schuster.

2.

Flam,

Jack D. 1973. Matisse on Art. _{London: Pharadon.}

3.

Gaugh,

Harry

F.. 1983. Willem De Kooning. New York: Abbeville

Press.

4.

Goffman,

Erving. 1967. Interaction Ritual. Garden

City,

New York:

Doubleday.

5.

Hilberman,

Elaine. 1976. " Rape: The Ultimate Violation ofSelf.

American Journal of

Psychiatry

133 (April):436-437.

6.

Hinz,

Renate. 1981. Kathe Kollwitz. Graphics. Posters. Drawings. New York: Pantheon Books.

7.

Katz,

Judy

H.. 1984. No Fairy Godmothers. No Magic Wands:The

Healing

Process AfterRape. Saratoga: R&E Publishers.

8.

Layton,

Elizabeth. 1984. Through the

Looking

Glass: Drawings bv

Elizabeth Lavton. Kansas

City,

MO: Mid America Arts Alliance. 9.

Leslie,

Clare,

Walker. 1980. Nature Drawing. A Tool For Learning.

lO.Ratcliff,

Carter. 1986. Pat Steir Paintings. New York:

Harry

N.

Abrams,

Inc.,Publishers.

1 1.

Sanders,

William B.. 1980. Rape andA Woman's Identity.

Beverly

Hills: Sage Publications.

12.Warshaw,

Robin. 1988. T Never Called It Rape. New York: Harper

&Row,

Publishers.