Copyright Information and Disclaimer
This book is copyright 2012 with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy, distribute, or create derivative works from this book in whole or in part or to contribute to the copying, distribution, or creating of derivative works of this book… this isn’t professional, legal or personal advice… it’s our opinions and intended for your personal entertainment only. You are solely responsible for any actions you take and we’re not responsible for anything you decide to do in your life.
Before you read any page beyond this one, you agree to the following:
“©2012, All Rights Reserved. You do not have permission to copy, distribute, sell, or create derivative works from this book or our website without permission from A New Mode, Inc. through express written permission from the authors, Eric Charles and Sabrina Alexis. By reading any of the contents of this book beyond this page, you agree to the following: You understand that the information contained on this page and in this book is an opinion, and it should be used for personal entertainment purposes only.
You are responsible for your own behavior, and none of this book is to be considered legal or personal advice.”
Prologue ... 1
Introduction ... 4
CHAPTER 1: The Mindset and Behaviors That Kill A Relationship ... 16
WHAT MEN CONSIDER NEEDY BEHAVIOR ... 16
HOW NEEDINESS RUINS A RELATIONSHIP ... 21
HOW TO PREVENT NEEDINESS (AND BE THE WOMAN MEN CAN’T RESIST) ... 25
HOW TO REDEEM YOURSELF FROM NEEDY BEHAVIOR ... 32
CHAPTER 2: When a Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad ... 38
WHY DIDN’T HE TEXT BACK? ... 38
WHY DID HE VANISH? ... 45
WHEN A GUY ACTS DISTANT AND WITHDRAWS ... 53
CHAPTER 3: When You Don't Know How He Feels About You... ... 64
HOW TO KNOW IF A GUY LIKES YOU ... 64
HOW TO KNOW IF HE LOVES YOU ... 69
HOW TO KNOW IF HE’S PLAYING YOU AND/OR JUST WANTS SEX ... 73
CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On It ... 81
WHEN A GUY WON’T CALL YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND ... 82
WHEN HE WON’T COMMIT ON FACEBOOK ... 93
WHEN HE ISN’T PROPOSING... 95
CHAPTER 5: Dealing With A Guy With Baggage ... 103
DEALING WITH A GUY WHO LOST HIS JOB ... 103
DATING A GUY ON THE REBOUND ... 107
DATING A GUY WITH “EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE” ... 113
WHEN TO WALK AWAY ... 119
CHAPTER 6: How to Get Him To Treat You Better And Value You More ... 122
A LITTLE APPRECIATION GOES A LONG WAY ... 122
BE THE PRIZE AND HE WILL DO WHATEVER HE CAN TO WIN YOU OVER ... 128
BONUS FOOTAGE ... 135
Prologue
1
Prologue
From Eric Charles
For the past decade, I have worked with both men and women to help them have the type of relationships they’ve always wanted. Sometimes we met in person and locally; other times we
communicated via e-email, phone, or Skype.
No matter what the method of communication, helping people with their relationships has always been my dream and passion. Out of everything I’ve done to help people, writing the Ask a Guy column and other dating content for A New Mode has been the most rewarding experience of my life.
The reason I am able to do what I do now is not because I started off as an expert at dating or relationships. In fact, if there were such a thing as a dating report card, I would have scored a big fat fail every year from middle school until midway through college.
That being said, my failures were all necessary to make me the person I am today. In fact, it was those same failures that gave me the insight to pin down the root issues that were causing me to screw up. It was my failures that taught me about the sting of heartache and heartbreak, insecurity, jealousy, paranoia, and all the other emotions that can spring from the pursuit of love.
When Sabrina and I wrote this book, we wrote it for the A New Mode audience—an audience of loving and intelligent women who want happy and fulfilling relationships.
A lot of dating advice today has undertones (or blatant
expressions) of what I call the “adversarial approach” to dating. In this approach, men and women are not partners, but adversaries. It’s a
Prologue
2 game of man versus woman, where women are taught to treat
different “rewards” as bargaining chips in the relationship.
This brand of dating advice is usually littered with subtle male- bashing and insidiously implants fears, cynicism, and bitterness about men into the hearts of the readers.
This kind of advice is disgusting to me since it puts a woman in a state of mind that is completely contrary to the goal she had when she entrusted that “teacher” with her wish to have a happy and fulfilling relationship with a man she loves.
This approach was invented by marketers whose intent was to reach into a woman’s psyche, agitate her worst fears, and then essentially scare her into buying more of their poisonous “advice.” Please forgive me for my passion in this area, but I truly believe that part of my mission as a dating advisor is to put an end to the “man versus woman” and “woman versus man” mentality that pervades the relationship advice arena.
When you have true knowledge of the workings of men and relationships, you can love freely. You won’t feel jaded, defensive, and angry; rather, it you will feel open and connected to your partner and to the human race as a whole.
I think you would agree that you cannot know love, nor have love flow to or from you, when your guard is up. People with high walls around their psyche are the loneliest and most defensive; and those walls take root and grow from irrational fears. I think you’d also agree that the best relationship advice is that which eradicates those fears, as opposed to exacerbating them.
One of our goals with this book is to show you that many of your fears are total illusions and the rest can be easily handled or avoided completely. When you realize that there is nothing to fear, you will be
Prologue
3 able to finally lower your shield and be able to truly give and receive
love.
This book is a distillation of the best of the best dating and
relationship advice from A New Mode (anewmode.com). The insights shared on the site and in this book came from a combination of
research, our own life experiences, and feedback from thousands upon thousands of readers who have applied our advice and
experienced significant improvements in their lives and relationships. We have learned many lessons the hard way. Growth, especially growth that stems from pain, is uncomfortable, and sometimes even unbearable. It can help to remember that it is part of the journey and that there will come a day when you will reach ultimate happiness and fulfillment in the deepest sense, provided that you always remember that pain and suffering is the price for learning, maturity, and growth.
This book builds on itself to create a complete picture and
approach to dating and relationships. Until you finish it and view its lessons as a complete approach, you will be missing key elements. While you could pick up this book and flip to a chapter that directly applies to your immediate situation, it is best that you do not skip around since core secrets and solutions are revealed in a specifically crafted sequence for your maximum learning and growth.
At this point, I have said everything I needed to say to set the tone for this book. Let’s begin.
Introduction
4
Introduction
From Sabrina Alexis
The following is a story that may resonate with more than a few of you. Actually, based on the Ask a Guy questions we receive, I know it will.
It was a Saturday afternoon. I met up with a group of friends at a bar to watch some sports game. I spotted him right away and felt that familiar flutter. The bar was small and a game of cat and mouse ensued. Eye contact…look away…look over again, oh man, he's not
looking anymore. Talk to friends, a slow, sly shift of the eyes back his
way and…we have contact again! I stealthily make my way to the bar to get another round (and not at all because he happens to be
standing there), and finally, an excuse emerges for him to get the conversation going.
"Oh wow, double fisting? You must really be on a mission!" he says.
"Ha, well this one is actually for my friend," I casually reply. "Sure, sure" he smiles. "By the way, I'm Kevin."
“Nice to meet you, I’m Sabrina.” And we have lift-off!
We spend the rest of the afternoon chatting and watching the game (or pretending to, in my case). One of his friends hits it off with one of my friends and soon the four of us are off to a different bar to play a game of pool, and then to another bar for a change of scenery. Before I know it, it’s getting dark and I’m running late for dinner with my parents.
Introduction
5 disarming me with his utter adorableness.
"Yeah, totally. As long as I’m not too tired, it's been a long day!" "I don't think you're gonna come."
"I promise I'll try."
"Okay, well I really hope you do."
I
go to dinner still buzzing off the high of a magical meeting. I try to eat and make conversation, but an overpowering voice inside keeps pestering me to check my phone to see if he texted. I checkonce…twice…three times…make a vow not to check again for ten minutes, stare at my watch, begging it to hurry up, check again, repeat, repeat, repeat.
He eventually does text, putting a much-needed end to my inner turmoil. He tells me where he is and asks if I’m coming to meet. I pretend to be unsure, he begs a little more, I’ll pay for the cab! Stay
for just one drink! Come for 15 minutes! Just please come!
As soon as the check is paid, I head back into the night for the final stretch of what felt like the world’s longest first date.
The second I arrive, he rushes to the door to greet me, much like a puppy rushes to its master after a long and painful day of solitude. “You made it! I’m so happy to see you,” he says with an enormous self-satisfied grin.
“Aw, that’s sweet.” I smile back, feeling quite impressed with myself for playing my cards so perfectly.
K
evin and I had our first official date later in the week and from there, what felt like an effortless new relationship started to blossom. In the beginning, my overwhelming fear of getting hurt caused me to hold back and I proceeded with utmost caution. I was also entrenched in aIntroduction
6 crazy time in my life, a time known as New York Fashion Week. My
days were jam-packed from seven a.m. until the wee hours of the morning, and in between all the shows and parties, I had tight deadlines to meet. I tried to squeeze in Kevin when I could, but spending time together usually involved him tagging along to some fashion party I was covering.
The glamour of it all soon came to an end. Once I was back in the real world, it was time to have a real relationship. Things were far less glamorous, but still effortless and fun. We were spending more and more time together: dinners, brunches, movies—all the usual couple stuff. In fact, it felt like my first real grown-up relationship. Kevin was very open about his feelings for me, unlike guys I had dated in the past. He wasn’t shy about telling me how much he cared and it didn’t take long for my initial hesitation to melt away.
Then things started to shift. He was suddenly “swamped” at work, he would go a few days without contacting me, his messages got shorter, and he would cancel plans last minute. Busy weeks are understandable, so I let it slide, taking comfort in the fact that at least he was keeping me in the loop via text and e-mail (Can't make it
tonight, have to stay in the office until midnight…So sorry I haven't called in a few days, work has been nuts, thinking about you though!).
Things trudged on like this for a bit until the calls and texts stopped entirely. After a week of no contact, I received a text from Kevin asking me how Paris Fashion Week had been for me (Um, I
didn't go to Paris for Fashion Week…You didn't? I just assumed you would be there...Wouldn't I have mentioned that to you?... I don't know, just assumed). I wrote this off as an innocent misunderstanding
and felt a deluded sense of relief (Oh! So he thought I was in Paris
this whole time, no wonder he didn't call or text! How silly!). We hung
out one final time following that exchange and then…. silence. After three weeks of not hearing a peep, I closed the book on
Introduction
7 Kevin. I was immensely confused, yet somehow not convinced that
this was the end of us. Everything was going so well, it can't end like
this! I won’t allow it!
Well it didn't end in silence. Oh no, the real ending was just so much better.
One night I received a highly unexpected phone call from a number I couldn’t muster the strength to delete. After one chime of my ringtone, my hurt and confusion morph into relief and elation. I decide to forgive him before even answering the phone, resolving to play it cool and collected.
“Hi!”(Mental note: dial down the enthusiasm, jeez!)
“Hey… It's Kevin,” he says, his voice low and seductive. “Yeah, I know. It's been a while, how've you been?” “I’m good. So…how was that day off?”
“What do you mean? I didn't have a day off.”
“Yeah…that day off you were looking forward to. You were talking about it the other night.”
“Um, no I wasn’t because I didn’t have a day off and I haven’t spoken to you in weeks”
“Wait. Oh my God. Crap.” (End call)
I stare at my Blackberry in stunned silence. What the hell was
that? That could not have been what I think it was. No way, no how. This is a mix up, a silly misunderstanding. I’m sure I had a day off a while ago and he’s confused. Yes, that’s it!
I call him back. No answer. I send a text: "I don't know what just happened, but that was really weird and I think you owe me an explanation." (Spoiler alert: it's been about five years and I’m still
Introduction
8 waiting for a response.)
As I stood there, trying to pick up my jaw from the floor while mentally debating whether I should laugh or cry, my male roommate, David, burst through the door with a few of his guy friends.
"Sabrina, get dressed. We're going to a party!" he shouts from the hall.
"I can't. I think Kevin just dumped me by accidentally calling me thinking he was calling a new girl he's seeing."
"What? Oh man, that sucks. Well, get dressed. The party will make you feel better."
"I can't go. I think I need to stay in and feel sorry for myself. Yes, that is totally the appropriate move."
Cue David and his friends storming into my room to berate me for being ridiculous and irrational.
“So you’re just gonna sit in your room and feel sorry for yourself all night?”
“Yes. I’m a girl and that is just how it’s done.”
“There will be tons of guys at the party, you’ll find someone else.” “No, I hate boys. I hate them all! I hate all of you!”
“You’re such a girl.”
“I am not! You don’t get it. I really, really liked him. He's the first guy I really liked since my ex, that's huge! It took me a year to get over that. I just don't get it, seriously, I’ll never understand men. Now go away, I’m done fraternizing with the enemy.”
They laugh and I almost do too, until I remember that this is real life. He called me thinking I was some other girl?! SERIOUSLY?!
Introduction
9 I had my phone all set to dial one of my girlfriends to do the
obligatory re-hashing of every detail in a desperate attempt to understand why, when David presented me with a more tempting offer.
“Okay Sabrina, let's make a deal. We're gonna talk about this for five minutes. You tell us what happened, and we will explain
everything to you. After that, you're coming out with us and we're not talking about this for the rest of the night.”
Hmm… interesting. I was skeptical, but totally up for the challenge.
I recapped the relationship as swiftly and effectively as I could, making sure to highlight every nice thing Kevin said and sweet thing he did, in order to further emphasize my totally justified state of confusion. The feedback I received from the boys was not what I expected. I was startled, amazed, enlightened, and I felt…better. Here is the summation of what went down during that eye-opening conversation on that fateful night.
Source of Confusion #1: On our second date, Kevin said he has
never liked a girl so much after only two dates and it usually takes a lot longer for him to develop those kinds of feelings.
My take: He must have really liked me off the bat; I was clearly the
exception to his rules—he even said so! If he didn't mean it, why would he say it? That wouldn’t make any sense. The ball was clearly in my court at this point because he was the one being so open and vulnerable.
Guys’ take: When a guy says something sweet and sentimental like
that in the early stages, he's lying. He's not really expressing how he feels about you; rather, he wants to determine how you feel about
him. He may like you, or at least see you as a girl he could like, but
Introduction
10 insecure too. No guy wants to get hurt and the best way to protect
himself is to make sure you really like him before he can let himself go there.
Let's say you were a little indifferent when he said those mushy things, and responded with something like, "Aw, that's nice." Then, he would know that he has to work a little harder to win you over. I bet you got all excited when he said that sappy crap (um…maybe) so the ball was in his court. He had you right there.
Source of Confusion #2: He came back from his yearly vacation
with his family and when I said I was jealous, he said maybe next time I'd go too. This wasn’t the only time he talked about the future. He also mentioned us going to a concert that summer. It was
February! Why would he make plans so far down the line??
My take: A guy even mentioning going on vacation with a girl is huge!
It clearly means he was looking ahead toward the future and
envisioned me meeting his family and being a continued part of his life. I mean, he didn't have to mention anything about me going on vacation with his family. The relationship was still so new and fresh; I totally would not have expected him to say anything along those lines. So if he didn't mean it, why would he say it?
Guys’ take: Oh, he did mean it. He meant it at that moment, anyway.
He wasn't lying when he said maybe next time you'd go, but he didn't necessarily think of it logistically. Guys are very in-the-moment
thinkers. We usually aren't looking ahead; we look at what’s in front of us. I'm sure at that moment he was thinking, "Wow, this girl is so cool and fun, yeah, she should come on vacation! That would be
awesome!"
He wasn't thinking about whether you'd still be together a year from now, or even a week from now. It was just a fleeting thought to him that didn't carry much weight. (Cue me feeling like an utter moron
Introduction
11
Source of Confusion #3: In the beginning, he always called and
texted. As time went on, the calls and texts became less and less frequent. However, he always gave me an explanation if he had to cancel plans, or if he went a day or two without calling me back.
My take: In the beginning, he pursued me because that's how
relationships usually start. When things became more settled, it was totally acceptable, if not expected, for me to begin initiating contact. Also, if he wasn't into me, why not just end it? It would have been easy for him to say he needed to focus on work, especially since he would often blame work when he had to cancel plans. If he had already decided he didn't want to be with me, why continue to string me along?
Guys’ take: First of all, if you find yourself asking a guy why he didn't
call or text you back, the relationship is in crisis mode. The first time you asked him why he didn't call you back (I didn't say I ever said
that!... Did you?... Well yeah, but—...Exactly!), he felt smothered and
you looked needy. The chase was over, he knew he had you. He could disappear for a few days because he knew you'd still be there waiting. You may nag him a bit, but you’d be there.
I'm sure he still had feelings for you at that point. However, it sounds like he was looking for what else was out there and he kept coming back because he hadn’t found anything better (WHAT?!...
Don’t be offended, if you hadn’t been so needy, he would have only been looking at you...Yeah that doesn’t make me feel better).
When you started asking why he didn’t call, and when you
expected to hang out all of the time, the excitement was gone and the relationship was no longer fun and enjoyable for him—it was a
burden. Calling or texting may not normally be a big deal, but when a guy feels like he has to do it, then it's a nuisance.
Source of Confusion #4: After his first disappearance, he texted at
Introduction
12 out with friends and wasn't really tired, so I went. This was the last
time we ever saw each other.
My take: I know, I know, a 2 a.m. text is a “booty call,” but we were
dating! It's not like we were just casually hooking up, so it's not the same. Couples go over to each other’s places late at night all the time! And things went really well; he was sweet and affectionate, we went out to brunch in the morning. Why did it end after that? Would it have been too much to ask for a warning?
Guys’ take: First, you were an idiot to go over there at that hour and
yes, you were a booty call (ouch). This would have been bad under normal circumstances, but considering you went running over there after he vanished for a week with that lame excuse about thinking you were in Paris, it basically put the nail in the coffin (But he did think
that! And it really was Paris Fashion Week!... No, he didn’t, that was a lie. It’s an impressive lie, but still a lie).
At that point, there was nothing left to keep him interested. He knew he could treat you however he wanted and you'd come running whenever he wanted to see you, and there’s nothing sexy or
appealing about that. Before this, he was definitely more than halfway out the door; you just gave him the final shove. Once a guy no longer respects a girl, it’s done for. He’ll either disappear or continue treating her like crap.
Source of Confusion #5: The end in general. He disappeared,
reappeared, disappeared, then the final phone call. Three letters: W.T.F.
My take: I knew things were deteriorating, but I was so blindsided by
everything that I assumed it would all somehow magically go back to the way it was. I didn't understand what could account for his sudden shift. We never fought and he never said anything about me acting “needy” or whatever. Things seemed fine and then he was just gone. This is confusing! And why start seeing someone new without giving
Introduction
13 me the courtesy of a civilized breakup?
Guys’ take: In the beginning, he was trying to impress you and win
you over. Once he knew you were won, he relaxed. He thought to himself, “Ahhh, now I can finally relax and just enjoy my time with this girl without having to go over-the-top anymore.” But when you started acting needy, it killed the magic and attraction. It shattered his image of you as the sexy, fun, secure girl.
In relationships, girls have no problem pointing out when a guy is doing something wrong. When she's unhappy, you know why. It's not that simple with guys because no guy wants to have a talk about the relationship and who's feeling what. If a guy is feeling annoyed or smothered, he's not gonna tell you, especially when it's the very beginning of a relationship. He thinks it won’t solve anything; it’ll just make you crazy and upset. When it gets to this point, he’ll see your behavior as a taste of worse things to come and for him, that's enough to leave with no explanation.
I
t took a bit longer than five minutes, but I had my answers. I had nothing more to say, no other excuse or explanation to provide. I knew everything I wanted to know and that was that. Everything just snapped into place. That's it? It was that easy? I didn't feel sad; I didn’t even feel angry. So I got up, got dressed, went to the party and had an amazing night. I didn't talk about Kevin, I didn't even think about him. The only thing I could think about was how much time and tears I could have saved through the years had I known all of this! It's been five years and I can still picture it all exactly as ithappened. Me, sitting at the edge of the bed with three hunky guys standing over me, taking turns telling me things I seriously didn't want to hear, but really needed to know.
I didn't want to hear about what I did wrong, this was supposed to be his fault. He was the idiot who had something amazing (me) and screwed it up. I was caring, kind, and fun. I even brought him to
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14
Fashion Week! So it's his loss, right? Well, that's the kind of stuff
women's magazines tell us to play on repeat in our minds. In truth, we need to accept at least some responsibility.
At the end of the day, there's no denying that I acted needy, plain and simple. While the relationship started off balanced, it soon
devolved to the point where he was calling all the shots, dragging me along for the herky jerky ride. Was he a jerk for running away? I'd like to think so, but the answer is not really. He's not a jerk; he's a guy. In addition to a breakup, crystal clear clarity, and way too many shots of whiskey, that night brought on an epiphany: this is what the world needs, guys who will tell it like it is! (Okay fine, maybe not the world, but certainly most of the women occupying it).
A
bout seven months after the Kevin debacle, a few twists of fate turned my epiphany into a reality. It started when I got back in touch with an ex-boyfriend (yes the same ex it took me a year to get over... don’t even ask!), things sped up when I got laid off from my job, and it all culminated when a newly unemployed me and a super tech-savvy, forward-thinking ex decided to start a website. The first order ofbusiness: an Ask a Guy column in order to strip away all the
misconceptions and expose the real reasons guys act the way they do.
It didn't take long for the section to take off and soon enough, we were sifting through thousands of e-mails from girls of all ages from all over the world, all wanting to know one thing: why is he doing this? Men and women speak different languages. The reason? We’re
different. As such, we see and interpret things differently in many
ways, especially when it comes to relationships. If I had a dime for every time I heard some girl lament, "I just don't understand guys!" I'd be on my own private yacht sailing through the Greek Isles dripping in diamonds and sipping the world’s most expensive champagne.
Introduction
15 Understanding why men act the way they do is fundamental to
gaining more satisfaction and fulfillment from your relationships (not to mention, preserving your sanity!). It’s amazing how us gals can analyze the tiniest, minute details, but completely miss the overall picture.
Most women don't even know how they are being perceived by men. They try to gain a man’s respect and admiration, but they simply don’t know how and they end up devaluing themselves in the process of trying to win him over. These kinds of confusions (and oftentimes, delusions) can eat away at your sense of self and prevent you from ever attaining the kind of relationship you want.
With that said, let's delve deep into the male mind and get to the heart of the most pressing relationship issues.
CHAPTER 1: The Mindset and Behaviors That Kill A Relationship
16
CHAPTER 1: The Mindset and Behaviors
That Kill A Relationship
“Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says: ‘I need you because I love you.’ - Erich Fromm
Most relationship problems stem from the fact that one action can have two totally different interpretations. A lot of the time, women remain completely unaware of how their actions are being construed by the fellas. As a result, they’re left baffled and thoroughly perplexed as to what went wrong.
We’re going to put an end to the confusion right here and now by telling you the reason so many relationships are wrought with
problems. Ready? It’s called neediness.
Neediness is a tricky concept because it means very different things to men and women. Women worry about being needy because the term gets thrown around, but nobody stops to actually explain what it means to be needy.
Considering it's the source of almost every relationship issue that exists, it deserves some careful clarification.
WHAT MEN CONSIDER NEEDY BEHAVIOR
Most women consider neediness to be an overt behavior, something like nagging, clinging, or demanding his love and affection. While those things certainly constitute neediness, it’s important to note that neediness can take on a much more subtle form for guys.
Neediness is needing a guy to respond to you in a certain way. You might think you’re being as stealthy as a fox, but if you need a guy, for any reason, he will sense it. Try as you will to cover your
CHAPTER 1: The Mindset and Behaviors That Kill A Relationship
17 tracks, he can sniff out neediness like a highly trained canine. If you
are coming from a place of desperation, fear, worry, or a need for him to respond in a certain way or you will be upset, then it will come across as needy behavior.
Classic Needy Behaviors
If you’re getting all hung up because a guy isn’t acting in some
particular way and it’s making you feel insecure, nervous, or worried, that is absolutely neediness. Expecting someone to respect your time
does not equal neediness. Needing them to act a certain way or you get angry/sad/upset/self-conscious does. A guy doesn’t want to feel like your emotional livelihood depends on him being there. He wants to feel wanted, desired, respected, loved, praised, acknowledged, and appreciated… but not needed!
Most girls think they're being the best girlfriend ever by
accommodating his schedule and his needs when in reality, the guy can tell from a mile away that she's doing these great girlfriend things out of desperation. And nothing taints a relationship quite like the stink of desperation.
Think about it, if there were some guy who was obsessed with trying to please you in every way, no matter how badly you treated him in return, you would think he was a pushover (or an obsessive stalker). You would probably take the behavior for granted and you certainly wouldn’t place much value on it. You wouldn’t be able to respect him or trust the things he does because you would know he was only doing them to try to “win you over” and gain your approval. Well, it’s the exact same thing for guys.
Women love to fight this one, but there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Neediness is an epidemic. It’s not that you’re not smart, beautiful, engaging, and worthy of the love you want; it’s that you aren’t firm in these convictions within yourself and instead rely too heavily on a
CHAPTER 1: The Mindset and Behaviors That Kill A Relationship
18 man to give them to you. You may feel that you’re missing something, like you’re not “whole,” and you may, consciously or unconsciously, believe that a relationship or someone outside of yourself will fill that void.
If you’ve ever stared at the phone begging it to ring; if you’ve ever found yourself on the backburner while a guy figures out what he wants; if you’ve ever come up with a million justifications as to why a guy is behaving a certain way (He’s busy! He’s stressed! His last
girlfriend was mean!); if you’ve ever rearranged your schedule to
accommodate his; if you’ve ever demanded an explanation for where he’s been and why he didn’t call you back; if you’ve ever asked him where the relationship was going, and then stuck around when you didn’t get the answer you wanted; if you’ve ever felt truly disappointed and devastated by a guy’s behavior and let it slide (possibly in an attempt to not seem “needy”), only to find yourself going through the same cycle over and over, then you are (or were) too needy.
The Needy State of Mind
More than it is a specific set of behaviors or actions, neediness is a
state of mind. When you have a void within, it poisons every
interaction you will ever have. Neediness isn’t reserved for the early stages of a relationship; it can strike at any time.
As soon as you look outside yourself and to your partner to fill you with something you feel is missing, you are needy. The moment neediness rears its ugly head, your partner—be it a new guy you just started dating or the man you’ve been married to for years—will feel “uncomfortable” or “smothered” or “suffocated” or “trapped”… and he will withdraw.
The only way to keep his interest and ensure he never leaves you hanging is pretty simple. Want to know the secret? Be interesting!
CHAPTER 1: The Mindset and Behaviors That Kill A Relationship
19 How can you be interesting? Fill your life with things that interest you
aside from just him!
Sub-text Is the Spoken Language
In any human interaction, there is what's being said (the "text") and what's being said between the lines (the "sub-text").
For example, if a girl says to a guy, "I was waiting all night for your call! Why didn't you call me back?" that's the surface text. The sub-text, however, is screaming, "You are the center of my universe - the fact that you didn't call me ruined my evening and made me an
emotional wreck because you are the only thing that matters to me in my life!"
As another example, let’s say a girl doesn’t hear from a guy, so she goes out and has a fun night with her friends. The next morning she texts him something like, "Morning sunshine. How was your night?" The sub-text: "You're a person I like and I'm saying hi." Nice and light. Nothing manipulative, nothing punishing. Just a warm positive message to let him know she’s thinking of him without
needing something from him.
When it comes to dating and relationships, the language spoken is sub-text. If you pout and whine and become insecure, he will instantly feel pressured to act a certain way and he will withdraw or want to avoid you. The more you persist, the more he’ll resist. When dealing with men, a much more effective approach is to convey your
message through the sub-text.
When someone leaves a message in the sub-text for you to decode, you start thinking about it... more and more... and you don't resist it or see it as a threat. When a guy decodes the sub-text, he will start thinking about the implications of what you're saying. He'll start questioning the situation, "Am I willing to lose her? Would I rather be single and lose her, or should I see where a relationship with her
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20 goes?"
For instance, let’s say a guy has to bail on you last minute and you respond with something like, “No worries, understandable.” He
doesn’t quite know where you stand. He knows you’re being cool about it, but he doesn’t really know how you feel. He won’t feel
pressured or resentful because he is coming to his own conclusions, not a conclusion that manifested from you coming down on him with a heavy hand. He is realizing on his own terms that if he wants you, he needs to put in the effort. If he doesn’t, he may lose you and he will have no one to blame but himself.
Now isn’t that so much better than him acting a certain way
because he’s afraid he’ll get yelled at if he doesn’t do what you want? Actions Speak Louder than Words
One major gender difference that’s important to note is that men, much more than women, hear actions louder than words. If you say to a guy, “I really don’t appreciate it when you leave me hanging, my time is precious” and then go running over to his place when he’s available and wants to see you, your words carry absolutely no weight. He’s not going to think to himself, “She doesn’t appreciate it when I go days without contacting her so I’ll make an effort to call more.” His thoughts will sounds more like, “I don’t need to stay in constant contact with this one because she’ll be here when I want to see her.”
If instead you turn him down when he asks to hang out after days of being off in the abyss, he’ll learn that your time is precious and if he doesn’t make his presence known, there is a strong chance you will move on and forget about him. If you pull away from him when he isn’t giving you what you want, you’re showing him that you will not tolerate being treated like a second class citizen, so he better shape up or ship out.
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21
HOW NEEDINESS RUINS A RELATIONSHIP
If you don't think you're being needy, take a second to think about the way your guy has been acting lately; his actions usually say it all. If a guy is feeling smothered and suffocated by a needy girl, she may notice one of the following:
· He starts pulling away or withdrawing · He calls or texts less frequently
· He stops initiating contact
· He seems less interested overall
When you try to talk to your man and he won’t listen or shuts down, he is probably reacting to you acting needy. If the neediness continues, the relationship will begin to unravel. Neediness may seem innocent, but it can cause serious damage if you let it run wild. Keep going to find out how.
It Suffocates the Relationship
Men and women who feel incomplete or unhappy within themselves may yearn to fill this void with someone else. When an opportunity for this salvation arises, they may end up acting desperately and clinging to the relationship as if it's the one and only source of joy in their lives…and maybe it is.
When you rely on someone else too heavily for your own
happiness, you suck the life out of the relationship. Instead of being an enjoyable and meaningful journey, it becomes a scary
rollercoaster of ups and downs, uncertainty and need, emptiness and temporary satisfaction. This rollercoaster is not healthy and it’s no way to live. The initial high of being with someone who filled that void within you will wear off and when it does, you will end up resenting
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22 your partner for not giving you the same fulfillment, as false and
fleeting as it was.
Neediness leaves no room for a relationship to grow and instead forces it into a state of perpetual stagnation. Rather than two people moving forward together, one takes a step closer and the other moves further way.
A healthy relationship is one where both people can look forward and move ahead in the same direction without tearing each other down and throwing roadblocks. This can only happen when both people enter into the relationship without expecting the other person to fulfill all of their needs. Or that they even should or could – only the individual can truly fulfill their own emotional needs.
Love is all about giving and if you are in a needy state of mind, the only thing you’ll be focused on is what you can get from the other person. All of your giving will just be a ploy to get him to feel a certain way about you and as a result, you will never feel at ease within the relationship.
It Scares Him Away
When a girl starts acting needy, especially in the beginning of a relationship, it is the ultimate red flag to a guy; it’s not even a logical or conscious decision. Neediness, for most guys, is synonymous with emotional dependency, as in this woman is dependent on you in
order for her to feel good. Men do not want to be the emotional center
of your universe. It sounds romantic and flattering at first, but quickly becomes a lot of pressure and an emotional drain.
When a man feels that needy-energy coming from a woman early in a relationship, it feels like coercion – he either has to give in and act how she wants him to act or deal with her being upset. Guys get tired really fast of having to reassure a girl that they actually like her. Plus, that sort of thing will make him wonder what’s wrong with you if
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23 it’s so hard for you to believe he actually likes you!
Guys can feel neediness when it's attached to anything:
a behavior, a comment, a text, a pout. And when that little red flag goes up in his mind and he feels that she's opening her emotional void for him to fill, panic sets in and he backs away.
Sensing that a girl is needy, even on the slightest level, is a visceral turn off. Guys know intuitively that when they reward neediness with a response, it conditions the girl to continue outsourcing the task of filling her emotional voids, putting the responsibility entirely on him.
Nobody else can fill an emotional void for you; only you can repair it. And since it can never be "filled" from someone on the outside, your guy may start backing off. He has seen the brochure and while he was initially looking forward to taking the trip, he realizes he doesn’t have the stamina to deal with the destination.
The thing girls don’t realize is that this situation is disappointing for guys. He doesn’t want to be a jerk, he really did like you and he
wants to continue liking you…you’re just doing such a good job talking him out of it!
You Never Feel Like You’re “Enough”
Another major mistake is feeling that you are not enough. This attitude kills relationships. It feeds into the neediness because it compels people to use their relationship as a crutch in order to feel like “enough,” when really their focus should be on figuring out how to be enough by themselves so they can bring their best self to the
relationship.
When a person doesn't feel they're enough, they end up sucking life out of the relationship instead of pumping life into the relationship. Whenever you put effort into a relationship with a man, you are
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24 investing in him. Whenever he puts effort in, he is investing in you. If
you are waiting by the phone for him to call or for him to make time for you, then you’re probably the only one doing the investing. The trouble with neediness is that it isn’t necessarily a problem based in how you interact with other people. It’s a problem with how you interact with yourself – it just manifests itself in a way that repels people and therefore becomes a relationship problem.
When you adopt a sense of feeling complete and ditch the
neediness, you will automatically signal to a guy that you won’t put up
with something that is less than what you actually want. The Stink of Desperation Colors Everything
When a woman is desperate, she lowers her standards, lowers her self-worth, and focuses most of her energy on trying to give the guy everything simply because he's a guy. She thinks that having a man in her life will somehow fill a void or make her feel complete and does anything and everything to make sure he sticks around.
The guy in this type of scenario will accept the massive bounty of gifts, affections, favors, and anything else she gives. He knows that she’s willing to give and give as long as he is willing to acknowledge her lowly existence in some minimal capacity.
The really sad thing is that everything the girl does stinks of desperation; she just doesn’t know it. Nothing comes across as a pure act of love, kindness, or bonding. It all reeks of rank desperation and it creeps the guy out. While he likes the goodies, he almost feels guilty accepting them since he knows that she thinks she's scoring points with him.
If a girl isn't desperate, if she's happy and content in her life with or without a guy in the picture, if she feels "whole" without needing to be in a relationship, then she's going to act totally different. Her
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25 happiness with her life will flow into her interactions with any man she meets. She will naturally give freely, but would never give something away that she wouldn't have been willing to give away for free. And she'll only accept what she actually wants because she doesn't need a relationship... she wants one.
HOW TO PREVENT NEEDINESS (AND BE THE WOMAN
MEN CAN’T RESIST)
The kind of girl that gets the guy and keeps him is the one who isn’t afraid of losing him. She wants him, she desires him, she appreciates him, but she doesn’t need him to make her feel complete or worthy. She carries herself in a way that lets him know she’ll be outta there if he doesn’t appreciate her and hold her to the same high standard she holds herself.
Men aren't the problem. Women aren't the problem. Self-esteem, self-love, and self-fulfillment are the missing ingredients that
transform everything for the better. Here is how it’s done:
Find Fulfillment
The secret here is in finding how to be enough without needing him to do anything in order for you to feel happy and content with yourself exactly as you are. A man wants a woman who has found emotional fulfillment within her life and comes into the relationship already feeling full, instead of with her hands out like a beggar that will take any scraps he’s willing to spare.
Relationships work best when they're the icing on the cake, not the sugar, the flour, the eggs, and whatever else you need to make the entire thing come together. When your life is so full and enjoyable that you would be OK with or without a relationship, then you are in a position to truly connect with another person on the deepest, most
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26 genuine level, a level that is completely absent of neediness.
We think you would agree that a woman who is happy and loves herself is in a much better position to relate to her significant other than one who is dealing with emotional issues and insecurities. It’s a standard that always holds true no matter what the specific situation. Rather than focusing on the guy you’re with, or on how to get a guy to be with you, focus on your life and learn ways to love yourself and find true happiness that comes from within. When you are
enough for you to be happy, suddenly the world opens up to you and everyone loves you and wants to be around you.
Don’t Accept Less Than What You Deserve
When you accept less than what you want and feel that you deserve, you are lowering your value (this is assuming your wants are realistic, not rooted in fairytale). When this happens, you can rest assured that your guy will not raise that value for you. If you find something on sale, do you absolutely insist on paying the original retail value? Not likely.
People tend to push things as far as they possibly can. It’s human nature to try to get as much as you can with the bare minimum effort. Only needy people put up with something that's less than what they want. If he knows he can act however he wants without the fear of you leaving then….he will.
Needy women want men to fill a void for them or to rescue them from their lackluster lives. They come into all their relationships with their hands out, wanting and needing and taking whatever they can get. But when a woman loves her life, she comes into the relationship already "whole." Because she is "enough" on her own, she is
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27 Stay Busy
The best way to not be needy is to make sure you have plenty to keep you busy and feeling fulfilled. We know how easy it is to get wrapped up in a new relationship, but it is still extremely important to maintain your own life. When a girl is independent and has a lot going on, she becomes more appealing to the guy because he has to fight for her time and work to win her over. These are the kinds of women make men fall in love without putting in any effort and have mutually fulfilling relationships that flourish. It’s a law of the universe, the more you love yourself, the more love you attract.
One thing to watch out for is keeping yourself busy solely for the
sake of staying distracted so you stop checking in on your guy. Being busy in and of itself does not solve the core mindset problem that leads to neediness; it is just a means of solving the core issue of using a relationship to fill a void.
Having a demanding job or a heavy course-load at school will certainly keep you busy in the technical sense, but that’s not the kind of busy we’re referring to. When we say be busy, we mean fill your life doing things you love and enjoy so that you find that inner joy that comes from truly loving yourself and your life.
A lot of dating advice says that being always available is a bad thing and it will make your value plummet. This is true in a sense, but availability isn’t really the problem. The problem is that if you’re
always available, it probably means that you’re not doing anything interesting or fulfilling in your life to make yourself feel good and as a result, your relationship is the only thing filling you. With all your eggs in one basket, it’s no surprise you’d become extremely needy and dependent on the guy entertaining you – he’s all you have!
To prevent this from happening, take up a new hobby, spend time
all-the-CHAPTER 1: The Mindset and Behaviors That Kill A Relationship
28 rage exercise classes, do volunteer work, read the Twilight series,
feed the ducks at your local park—if it makes you happy and gives your life meaning, do it up!
Don’t Be Afraid of Losing Him
Fear is at the heart of neediness. When you enter into a new
relationship with fear in your heart, your focus won’t be on what you have, but rather, on what you stand to lose. Worrying about all the potential ways things can fall apart will make you crazy and can destroy your relationship. Instead, enjoy your time with that other person for what it is; be present and in the moment. Don’t allow
yourself to be consumed with the fear of being taken advantage of or of being hurt.
At the root of a needy mindset is the fear that the guy is going leave or that he’s going to withdraw in some way. In response to that fear, you may feel compelled to make him reassure you or prove his feelings towards you, inevitably turning the fears you had from the start into reality.
If you look at the relationship like a precious, once-in-a-lifetime, fragile situation, then it's going to put you on edge from the start and you may be emotionally triggered if something looks like it's a bad sign. The best strategy is to treat the situation like it’s no big deal. Sure, you like this person and you enjoy spending time with him, but your life won’t end if the relationship does.
It can be very difficult to be easygoing if all you’re focusing on is how perfect the other person is and how devastated you would be if he ever left. It doesn’t matter how “perfect” someone seems, you have to remind yourself that while he is a good guy, and while it would be great if things work out, you will be OK if they don’t. If you can approach the situation with this mindset you will be much more able to act without losing yourself.
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29 When we put so much of our hopes, dreams, and desires all on
one person, we set ourselves up for great disappointment. We are also creating an unbalanced relationship where one person controls everything and gets away with it because the other person is too afraid they’ll never find better. One person isn't supposed to have absolute power; a relationship should be a democracy, not a dictatorship.
Keep the Infatuation in Check
The beginning of a new relationship can be a confusing time, tricking you into seeing and feeling things that are not true. Infatuation usually starts with the proverbial spark. You feel that tingly sensation all over, your senses are suddenly heightened and you're experiencing
something you've never felt before.
As romantic as the idea of love at first sight may seem, it's not reality. You cannot possibly know someone on a profound enough level to love them after a brief encounter. You can, however, become infatuated with them and this is where the trouble begins. We usually become infatuated when we don't quite know how the other person feels about us. We know we felt something strong and all-consuming and that's enough to convince us the other person must have felt it too, at least in some capacity. We read into the things they say and do, looking for any signs that prove our emotions are correct and that this is it.
This uncertainty about how the other person feels may cause you to obsess. Suddenly, this guy goes from mortal to end-all-be-all. His approval causes unmatched levels of exhilaration; his disapproval sends you to the depths of despair. When the initial magic fades, you may try to cling desperately onto anything to keep the fantasy alive. This may result in needy behavior: asking him why he didn't call or text, analyzing every detail of every interaction, inviting him over out of the blue, even the dreaded drunk dial. At this point you're grasping
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30 at straws, desperately trying to salvage something that never was.
When we become infatuated, we lose ourselves in the object of our desire. We don't see ourselves as we are; instead, we focus solely on how the other person sees us. It is a cruel trap if ever there was one.
As soon as you depend on someone else for love and approval, you're done for. You are at his mercy and he has you under his complete control. From there, only more problems arise. You bang your head against the wall trying to figure out how to get him to be the guy you hoped he would be, the one who is caring and considerate. You try to talk to him calmly and rationally, but it doesn't get you anywhere and the problems persist. If you're an ANM reader, this is probably when you'll submit your first Ask a Guy question. Or, you'll just round up your girlfriends and moan in exasperation, "I just don't understand men!"
When you become so consumed with the approval of someone else, you open the door for insecurity to come flooding in and without even realizing it, you become needy. The best defense in this
situation is a strong offense. You need to know who you are and what you want so that you can clearly recognize when you’re in a situation that you don’t want. The trouble with infatuation is that it places the other person on an undeserved pedestal. What can you do? Reclaim that throne!
At the end of the day he’s just a guy, there are plenty more of them out there. However, there is only one of you. Remember that and try to make the relationship you have with yourself your main priority.
What it Looks Like
Jackie met Curtis at a party one night and they hit it off instantly,
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31 a movie that coming Thursday, exchanged digits, and went their
separate ways. Jackie was positive she’d hear from him, their connection was so strong, how could he not call?
When she didn’t hear from him after the proverbial three days, she was a little surprised. Then when Thursday rolled around, she was downright in disbelief. She knew he was into her, how could he not be?! So she called him up, clearly catching him off guard, and asked if they were still on to see a movie that night.
After an awkward phone conversation, they decided to go to dinner instead. While Jackie was naturally curious as to why Curtis didn’t call, she didn’t say a peep about it. She kept it cool, kept her confidence in check, and radiated a vibe that let him know he was lucky to be there with her and she did him a favor by giving him the benefit of the doubt. About mid-way through the meal, Curtis became suddenly solemn and said, “I’m really sorry I didn’t call. I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s been a really crazy week and I really did mean to call.” Jackie didn’t even bat an eyelash, “No worries at all, I’ve been there.” Curtis couldn’t believe how confident and secure she was in herself and felt like the world’s biggest chump for not seeing it to begin with. He was hooked then and there.
Calling a guy first is a very risky move and it can definitely
backfire. However, it worked in this case because Jackie was coming from a place of confidence, not neediness. She didn’t get down on herself because he didn’t call, wondering what she did wrong while pouring over every single detail of their interaction. She assumed he was mistaken and took the initiative to help him correct said mistake. She didn’t need him to respond to her in a certain way, she didn’t need his validation or any sort of explanation. And when she didn’t ask, she received.
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32
HOW TO REDEEM YOURSELF FROM NEEDY BEHAVIOR
Boy do we get a ton of questions on this one! They usually go something like this: girl is dating a guy, things seem to be moving along swimmingly, and then he suddenly pulls back. He either takes a little longer to text back, acts distant when they hang out, or maybe he goes a few days without returning a phone call. Girl may react by hunting him down and crying or yelling or pleading to understand why he’s doing this to her. He tells her he feels suffocated and says he needs space. Panic ensues all over again as she goes into damage control mode, desperately wishing the iPhone had an app for hitting the rewind button on life. Since technology has not yet found an antidote for Needy Woman Syndrome, she tries to fix the problem by doing her darndest to prove to him that she is not needy… which backfires and ends up reinforcing the fact that she is, thus pushing him even further away.
Guys are quite fragile when it comes to the whole neediness issue and some scare way easier than others. For some guys, a teeny tiny crumb of neediness is all it takes to shoot them into panic mode. Don’t worry, your relationship is not doomed, this type of thing is salvageable.
Don’t Get Apology-Happy
When a relationship hits a glitch and neediness rears its ugly head, a lot of women will desperately try to turn back the clock by smothering the guy in some backwards attempt at trying to get him to forget what happened by constantly bringing it up. This will not work for obvious reasons.
Your immediate response to the situation may be to text him something like, “I’m so sorry I acted needy, that’s so not like me. I never act like that, swear!” Big mistake. Whenever you tell someone you “never” do something, it usually means the opposite. Also,
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33 acknowledging the needy behavior does nothing to erase its
existence.
Instead, take a step back and consider the purpose of this apology. Did you say something insulting? Did you call him mean names? Did you hurt his feelings? Did you run over his dog? No, you got a little (or sometimes a lot) swept away in your feelings for him and allowed that to overtake the rational part of your brain. This merits no apology; a non-needy person would never feel the need to apologize for expressing herself, even if she isn’t thrilled with the way she handled the situation. Instead, she would own it and carry on with her life and the relationship projecting the attitude that her utter
fabulous-ness is enough to outweigh any minor slip-up.
Caveat: If you called him mean names when you were freaking out
on him for disappearing or whatever he did to set you off, you can apologize for that, but only that. Do not ever utter the word
neediness; don’t even use words that start with the letter N in the conversation. Be calm and rational and say: “I’m sorry I called you a ::insert expletive used::, that was out of line.” Do this once and only once, if you keep bringing it up he’ll keep remembering it.
Say it Through Your Actions
Remember what we said earlier about actions? Well the same
standard applies here. Rather than backtracking with your words, do it through your actions. What will make the difference is him seeing and feeling that you truly don't need him to be a certain way like you once did. Show him that you are stable and happy in your own life and while you like him, his presence or continued absence will do nothing to change your happiness or emotional stability.
It is a common trap is to think that your behavior is what repelled the guy, or that you tripped some imaginary wire that made him see you as "needy" thus dooming the relationship. There's a little bit of truth to that, but the needy behaviors are not the core problem. The
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34 core problem is that you don't feel like you're enough, by yourself, to
be completely and totally happy and fulfilled in your life.
You can’t convince someone that you are satisfied with your life via words. The only way to come across as a fulfilled person is to actively create a life that is meaningful and fulfilling to you. When you do this, you won’t have to watch the things you say or do because you will be a naturally confident, non-needy woman.
“But what if he does something wrong? Do I just ignore it?”
To be clear, we don't want you to be pushovers who will let a man do and say whatever he wants for fear that calling him out will make you appear needy.
There are certain situations where a guy goes beyond being a little flakey and acts blatantly disrespectful. While you may really want to give him a piece of your mind, a more effective way to correct the behavior is to keep a cool head and show him you won’t stand for something, rather than just telling him.
If your man promised to meet you somewhere at a specific time and then didn’t, it is understandable that you would be upset (not effective, but understandable). In a perfect world, guys would always keep their promises – if a guy isn’t sure that he can keep his promise, he shouldn’t make it in the first place! It is obviously inconsiderate to leave you hanging without a heads-up if he thinks he’s going to be late after setting a time, but choosing your reaction wisely is far more effective than reflexively blowing up at him and becoming consumed with blind, irrational rage.
As a general rule, do not let your emotions take over—a man will never take a woman seriously when she comes at him from a place of emotion, he’ll just think she’s being hormonal or that it’s “that time of the month.” Remember, men hear actions, not words. As much as you may want to tear his head off, don’t. Or do… if want to push him
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35 away and guarantee that he continues to disappoint you down the
line.
How To Do It Right
Let’s say a guy says he’s going to meet you for coffee at 3 p.m. You arrive on time, and are waiting and waiting when suddenly 3:30 rolls around and he’s still MIA. While you might be tempted to call him and let him know this is unacceptable and who does he think he is?!
Don’t. This is a waste of time and energy and all he’ll hear is a needy woman getting too “emotional.”
Instead, shoot a text saying something like: “Hey, I don't know if you got caught up or something, but I’m here. Let me know what's up." If you have to wait more than ten minutes after sending that, send another text saying: "Hey – I’m not sure what your status is, but I'm heading out,” and then just put it out of your mind.
By doing this, you are demonstrating that you value yourself and your time and are showing him that if he wants you in his life, he needs to as well. By leaving after not getting a text within ten minutes after his 30 minute unexplained lateness the subtext is, “I’m willing to wait 30 minutes without explanation, I’m willing to give you a polite, benefit-of-the-doubt check-in and a ten minute window, but after that I'm moving on.” This sends a much stronger message than yelling at him ever could.
If there is a situation where he truly disrespects you and you feel you absolutely must speak up, do it when you are calm and clear-headed. Don’t let your words get drowned out by waves of emotion. Men don’t listen to emotion; they listen to reason. Be honest,
straightforward, and direct. And keep it succinct! Men have an incredibly short attention span, as any woman who has ever had a conversation with a man probably knows, meaning he’ll probably listen for the first ten seconds and then slowly tune you out. To make sure he hears you loud and clear, keep it brief and to the point.
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36
Suggestion: If he does something you consider unacceptable, say
something along the lines of, “Is this the sort of thing you usually do? I just need to know now.” This tells him that you expect more and if he doesn’t start giving it, you’ll leave.
CHEAT SHEET
We’ve covered a lot of ground in the chapter. If you ever find yourself in need of a quick refresher course, refer to this handy cheat sheet to ensure you never freak a man out with neediness again.
- Don’t make him the center of your attention. It’s fine to be
interested, but when you blur the line between interest and
obsession, you run the risk of sending out that “needy” vibe. As we learned, people are inherently repelled by neediness.
- Keep busy. If you are busy with the rest of your life, you have less
of a chance obsessing over him. Don’t be busy just for the sake of distraction though. Fill your life with fun and meaningful activities that help you feel valuable and complete.
- Keep your mind under control. It’s not easy, but guys know when
you will bend over backwards at the drop of a hat. The more you obsess over him, the more likely it is you’ll repel him, so nip it in the bud and stop letting him occupy so much space in your mind. - Never use a relationship to fill a void for you. Live your life in a
way where it feels like enough for you to be completely full of happiness, whether or not you're in a relationship. This will look different for different women, but the sooner you figure it out, the sooner you'll be a master of all your relationships.
- You can't trick a guy into thinking you’re different from how you truly are in order to attract him. You need to be that person by
living your life in that way. And the best way to live attractively is to have a life that's so full of things you love that you wouldn't notice if the guy reappears or not, texts back or not, and so on.
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CHAPTER 2: When a Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
38
CHAPTER 2: When a Seemingly Good
Connection/Relationship Goes Bad
“Before you fall in love, make sure there is someone there to catch you.” – AnonymousThe most common types of questions boil down to amateur detective work on why a guy didn’t do what the girl wanted him to do.
The questions take on different forms, but ultimately the pattern is this: A girl likes a guy... he shows some kind of signal that he might like her... a courtship of sorts ensues and things seem to be going great, but then… he starts to withdraw. As soon as this happens, the poor girl becomes overwhelmed with self-doubt and confusion about the guy and might start chasing him and hunting him down to get some answers…which causes him to withdraw even further.
The ultimate question comes down to this: "I thought he liked me, what happened?"
We get flooded with e-mails about how some guy didn’t text back or didn’t call or didn’t set his Facebook status to say “In a
relationship.” The majority of these issues could be resolved by doing
one simple thing: backing off. When you take a few steps backward, it gives him the space to move a few steps forward and put forth a little more effort to win you over. Keep going and you’ll see what we mean.
WHY DIDN’T HE TEXT BACK?
Using a guy’s text message habits as a litmus test for yourrelationship status seems to be the norm these days (even though it’s completely and utterly arbitrary, but we’ll get to that later).
