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' ' ' ' ' 'SCENE ONE -- EVENING
Manhattan. Somewhere Below Canal Street. 8pm. We are in the ANTECHAMBER of an affluent man’s OFFICE. The Assistants work in this antechamber. The office belongs to their Boss, Daniel Weisinger.
We don’t have any idea what business they are in.
Daniel’s OFFICE is tucked away upstage. Empty at present. His office door is ajar. Through it., we see hints of his expensive tastes and luxurious lifestyle. The ANTECHAMBER is the exact opposite. A miserable prison. Exposed brick. Bleak walls. An ominous clock. Bookcases stuffed with binders. Filing
cabinets spill over with manila folders. Fed-Ex packages, inter-office envelopes and unopened mail. Fax machines, printers, and scanners. Coffee machine.
There are THREE DESKS. Each desk is equipped with a laptop computer, a desk phone with headset, legal pads and pens.
In two of these desks, sit NICK and VINCE.
NICK (mid to late 20s) is a goofy guy with a genuine wit he dulls down to a slapstick “buddy” persona in the office environment.
VINCE (mid to late 20s) is a slick frat boy, definitely going places. His desk is clean except for a small BOX
of personal belongings.
They type away in silence. Vince lets out a long hard sigh. Then more typing. Until...
NICK (re: Vince’s sigh) What was that?
VINCE The new girl was supposed to start today.
NICK New girl...
VINCE Never got around to training her.
NICK ...Hmm...
VINCE Shit. It’s eight. She’s been in the lobby since four.
NICK ...Yeah... sooooooo... VINCE I hate girls. NICK ...I know... VINCE They’re so stressful. NICK ...I am so listening to you...
VINCE You’ll train her tonight. Like really quickly.
NICK Why am I training her? You’re leaving.
VINCE You’re staying. NICK Exactly. VINCE Exactly.
NICK
I’m sorry. What are we talking about? I did too much smack today. VINCE
New girl... Lobby since four...
NICK It’s eight... I’m training her-- Why?
VINCE You interviewed her.
NICK Because I’m staying.
VINCE So you train her.
NICK Because you’re leaving?
Nick and Vince imitate their boss, Daniel.
[NOTE: The Assistants’ Daniel imitations should not strive for realistic representation but recall a child’s playful exaggeration of an adult. Their voices go to a nasal growl. Their physicality resembles a cross between a velociraptor and an overweight cat.]
VINCE (as Daniel)
“Do you GET it, Nick? I mean, Nick, I mean, you get it, right?” NICK
(as Daniel) “Oooh! Ooof!”
VINCE (as Daniel) “I mean, you GEEEEEE-yet EE-ut?!”
NICK (as Daniel) “Oooooooh! Is that my new girl right THAAAAAAAR!!!”
VINCE (as Daniel) “Jiminy Crickets!”
They type. A pause.
NICK How long do you think she’ll last?
VINCE New girl?
NICK She’s coming from Canal Street.
VINCE Yikes. Three months?
NICK
You don’t even know how long she’s been at Canal Street. VINCE
Six weeks-ish.
NICK How did you know that?
VINCE
It’s called paying attention. You should check it out. Completely painless procedure. NICK
Crickets.
VINCE (as Daniel) “Neeeeeeee-yuk.”
The phone RINGS. It’s deafening.
Both boys put on their headsets. Vince answers the call. [NOTE: The Assistants always use headsets when on
He mutes his headset. [NOTE: The Assistants do this often. It is done by pressing a button on their phone.]
VINCE (to Nick) Get Harris.
NICK Getting Harris.
Vince un-mutes himself. Nick dials.
VINCE (to Daniel) Uh-huh. Okay. Yep. Yep. That e-mail came in earlier.
(reads an email off his laptop)
“Dear Daniel, We received the new contract. Below are our concerns regarding--”
Daniel interrupts Vince. Vince writes on his legal pad. [NOTE: This happens a lot. They are being interrupted by Daniel and take notes on his requests.]
Yep. Got it.
NICK Hello, Harris-MENT...
He winks at Vince. Vince mutes himself.
VINCE (to Nick) Stop doing that.
Vince un-mutes himself.
NICK ...we’ve got Daniel calling for you.
Nick puts his call on hold.
VINCE (to Daniel) Yep. Okay. And we have Harris. Just a moment.
VINCE Which line? Two?
NICK Harris loves his nickname.
VINCE
(practically shouting) DANIEL is HOLDING.
Vince picks up a line.
Harris? Hi. Here’s Daniel.
He connects the call.
Daniel, you’re on with Harris.
He puts the call on hold and takes off his headset. He speaks in a singingly passive aggressive voice. The only way I can think to describe it is in an Ace Ventura voice. Or a Robert Goulet voice.
I can’t wait to leave you here to rot for all eternity!! NICK
(normal voice) There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you--
Vince notices the “on hold” button flashing.
VINCE Who’s on three?
NICK
(gestures to his face) --is that a beard?
VINCE What’s on three?
NICK Yep.
VINCE For how long?
NICK Ten minutes.
VINCE Crickets!
NICK
Five. Okay? Five minutes. I told him I had Daniel calling for him. VINCE
So he’s been shitting himself for ten minutes? NICK Five. Watch this.
Nick picks up the line and puts it on speakerphone. We hear Justin’s voice.
NICK
(in a higher voice) Justin?
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] Yeah?
NICK
We’re just trying to get a hold of Daniel. He asked for you and then had to jump on another call. Hang in there, buddy.
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] Do you have any idea what this is about?
NICK
Something about the company-wide e-mail you sent out about the mail-run being an hour late on Monday.
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE]
I only did that because Erin was out sick. It’s not even my job. I’m sorry. Did it… Was it wrong? Or something… Sorry.
Vince looks at the phone.
VINCE (to Nick) Daniel’s off. Who’s next on his phonesheet?
NICK James.
VINCE Get him.
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] Hello? NICK (to Justin) Gotta jump. VINCE THREE him!
Nick pushes the number “3” on his phone keypad. This produces a loud, piercing BEEEEEEEEEEP!
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] Ugh! What was that?
Nick hangs up. Nick and Vince put their headsets on. The phone RINGS.
Vince answers. Nick dials.
VINCE Daniel Weisinger’s office.
VINCE (to Daniel)
James called. At three thirty. We’re getting him now. You were in your appointment. Daniel.
Vince snaps his fingers at Nick.
Yep. Yep. You were in your-- You told me not to. NICK Leaving word for James.
VINCE (to Daniel) We left word for James at the office. We’re trying his cell.
NICK VINCE
(leaves a message) (to Daniel) Hey there. We have ... ...I’m not lying. I am Daniel Weisinger calling not lying Daniel. for Mr. James. Please give
us a call back at the office as soon as possible. Thank you.
Nick ends his call. Dials.
NICK Trying James’s cell.
VINCE (to Daniel) You made it very clear you didn’t want to be interrupted.
Vince mutes himself.
(to Nick)
I will personally rape your mother if you don’t get James on the phone, Nick.
Vince un-mutes himself.
Actually I will repeat what you said to me verbatim, Daniel. You said that if I interrupted you with a call that I could forget about being promoted and that I would actually be demoted. Demoted to the lowest common denominator which would be nothing. Nothing at the bottom of nowhere.
NICK Hello, Mr. James. We have Daniel calling for you.
VINCE (to Daniel) And we have James.
NICK Just a moment.
Nick puts his call on hold.
James on two.
VINCE
I commit everything you say to memory, Daniel. That’s what I will miss most about working in this office... ...Yep. Yep. Here’s James.
He connects the call.
Mr. James, you’re on with Daniel.
He puts the call on hold.
Okaaaay...
Suddenly and with great violence, Vince stands, picks up the desk phone and goes to throw it.
NICK New Girl needs that.
Vince stops himself. He puts the phone down carefully.
Then...
VINCE
YOU SAD STUPID RICH FUCKHEAD! FUUCKKK YOUU!!! Vince sits down and types.
NICK That baby FEE-lies.
VINCE
By the time Daniel gets off this call, he’ll be upstate. He’ll sign off for the weekend. I’m gonna move the rest of my stuff into my new office.
NICK It’s more like a desk.
VINCE
I’m going to my desk. I’ll send in the New Girl. Train her. At least rehearse the routine with her a couple times.
NICK You’re not gonna cover the phones?
VINCE
Get the New Girl to do it. Throw her in the deep end. Slap a “Kick Me” sign on her back.
NICK Only if you admit you’re growing a beard.
VINCE Ooooooo--OH!
NICK And if Daniel asks for you?
VINCE You can reach me at my desk.
NICK Oooooooooh!
VINCE Over and OWW-oot!
Vince gathers up his things. He starts to exit. Hey, Nick...
NICK Yep.
VINCE You should ask for more money.
VINCE Now. While he really needs you.
NICK He didn’t need me before?
VINCE Not while I was here.
NICK Thanks.
VINCE You’re the first assistant now.
NICK By default.
VINCE
I’m just telling you what someone told me when I was you. More money. Today. NICK
I’ll write him an e-mail.
VINCE
Don’t put it in writing. Have I taught you nothing? Grow a dick and ask him. NICK
I’ll write him an e-mail. And what’s this “First Assistant” nonsense? This consolation kerfuffle, if you will. This washer/dryer instead of a car mish-mosh. Why don’t you just call me what I really am?
VINCE A vagina?
NICK The last man standing.
VINCE You know what you need?
VINCE
Oh for Chrissakes, no. That just gave me the most horrific mental picture. How long have you been here?
NICK Seventeen months.
VINCE
You need an exit strategy. You need to start formulating that shit now. NICK
Can you give me the rough outline of an exit strategy? Something I could lovingly nurture from advice to reality?
VINCE
Find someone who wants to be better at your job than you… Then make sure they succeed.
NICK So… do what you did to me… only to someone else.
VINCE
You’re a smart guy. I don’t care what the finance department says.
They exchange a handshake/fist-tap.
Check you later, vagina.
NICK Don’t forget to dance it out.
Vince dances. VINCE Dancing as we speak.
NICK Dance it oooooooooooowwww-oot!
Vince exits. Nick types an e-mail. The phone RINGS. Nick answers.
NICK
Daniel Weisinger's office... Tina! TEENY! TEENY DANCER! What’s happening?... No. I haven’t given Daniel your memo yet. We’ve been swamped... Swamp Meet... Swamped out... Yes... ...Me? I’m just putting the finishing touches on a very special email now. Then I’m out for the weekend... No, well, the meeting on Tuesday is a go!
You know I take care of you! Tuesday’s confirmed. Confirmed like a twelve-year-old Catholic.
NORA (mid to late 20s) enters. She is an awkward
young woman. Sexy but not pretty. She wears a button down and skirt that are a size too tight. Her heels are uncomfortable. She’s “making a good impression.”
Gotta go. Lines are blowing up. Jumping now. Bye.
He hangs up.
Nora and Nick look at each other for a second. It’s something at first sight. I don’t know what but something. Plus they’ve already met each other. So there’s that.
Hi, Nora.
NORA Hi, Nick.
NICK Good to see you again. So soon.
NORA Thanks for hiring me.
NICK
Yeah well, you know, your resume was great. Daniel sort of read it. Plus you did a great job with that storage move a couple weeks ago. So... congrats! How was the lobby?
NORA Great. All four hours of it were great.
NICK Noooooooooora... ah.
NORA Uh-huh.
NICK Gotta think of a good one for that.
NORA Good what?
NICK Good nickname. Everyone needs a good nickname.
NORA Except you. Cuz you’re “Nick.”
NICK Wow. You’re kind of smart.
NORA College will do that to you.
NICK You excited?
NORA About the job?
NICK About the journey...
NORA Yeah. I mean, I’m ready but I’m--
NICK NORA
You were born ready. (sotto) --I’m pretty terrified. NICK
That’s an interesting... outfit.
NORA
Well, I wasn’t sure what the dress code was here so I... well, I bought this yesterday. Like it was the first day of school or something. And now I’m telling you about it.
Which of course, sort of defeats the purpose of buying the new outfit for the new job. But none of my other clothes are like this so you would’ve found out anyway. It was really expensive too. Which was stupid. Because I was only gonna wear it once.
NICK Every day is Casual Friday here--
NORA Great. What else do I need to know.
NICK
You get the phones, right? You did that whole song and dance at the Canal Street office. NORA
Yep.
NICK Same thing here only do it faster.
NORA Okay.
NICK And that is... basically it.
NORA
But what about his e-mails, traveling with him, all his personal stuff? NICK
You’ll pick it up as you go along.
NORA I don’t wanna screw anything up.
NICK You will. You will screw shit up. That’s inevitable.
NORA Comforting.
NORA But what about...
NICK Daniel?
NORA I mean, I hear he’s really...
NICK Grumpy?
NORA That’s a kind way of putting it.
NICK He’s nicer to girls so you’ve got that going for you.
NORA
I’m sort of... I mean, should I be scared? Cuz I’m scared... NICK
Don’t be. He’s awesome.
NORA That’s not what I heard.
NICK
No. He’s awesome. And working in his office... it’s like... Have you ever seen “Goodfellas?”
NORA Yes.
NICK
Working for Daniel is like living the last thirty minutes of “Goodfellas” over and over again. Every day is the day you’re coked out of your mind and you’ve got a million things to do and everything that could go wrong does go wrong. And the narcs are shadowing you in a helicopter. And you get royally fucked by the very people you dedicated your life to… but MAN!… What a rush!? Right?
NORA Sounds like it could be.
NICK You know it!
NORA Where did Vince go?
NICK Across the hall.
NORA Raise? NICK Never. NORA Manager? NICK Director. NORA Whoa. NICK I know. NORA Shit. Thought he’d go Manager.
NICK
Not my broseph, Vince… straight to Director. Like a pimp. NORA
I never liked that guy.
NICK No way! New girl’s a shit-talker!?
NORA Oh come on. I’m not.
NICK This is great! We need a shit-talker!
NORA
The Canal Street interns call Vince “Charles Manson”. Vince always hits on them in that “I have a more important job than you so my dick is suddenly bigger” way.
NICK I know exactly what you mean.
NORA Vince hit on you...?
NICK That guy is so ego-testicle.
Nora giggles.
But I promise I will never ever EVER, like, EVER hit on you. NORA
Good.
NICK I find you repulsive.
NORA Good.
NICK
In fact, after I interviewed you, I spent the entire afternoon throwing up.
Nora giggles. Nick stares at her. Nora gets sort of annoyed at him for looking at her like that.
NORA What?
NICK
I just... no one’s ever actually laughed at my jokes before. NORA
Well, I’m easy. Where should I?
NICK It’s all yours. Own it.
NORA Okay...
She sits down at Vince’s old desk. The phone RINGS.
Nick checks the caller ID. He stiffens. NICK
Wait!
Before he can warn her, Nora answers the call.
NORA
Daniel Weisinger's office... Hi Daniel. This is Nora. I’m sorry? Oh... I just started... I mean, I just walked in the door... Canal Street. Oh, well... Vince isn’t here. He’s--
Nick makes a slashing motion across his neck. Oh shit. Oh shit. One second.
She puts the call on hold.
NICK
Rule Number One. Never curse while you’re on the phone with him. Rule Number Two. NEVER put him on hold.
Nick picks up the call.
Daniel? Nick. Yep. She’s our new... She’s... Yep... Yep.
He writes on his legal pad.
I didn’t put you on hold. Nora... didn’t know... It’s not her fault... ...Okay. Yes. It is my fault then... Yes. Canal Street. Six weeks. She’s the only candidate whose resume you... Yep. Yes. I’ll tell her... No. I think she’ll do good. She just... “Well.” I think she’ll do well. I said “Well.” I think she’ll do well. I said that... Okay. Yes. I said
Nick ends the call.
NORA
I think he tried to call me a “shit-head” and an “idiot” at the same time and it came out “Shit-Edi-It.”
NICK That happens a lot with him. The insults get creative.
NORA Insults build character.
NICK They do. They do that.
NORA I’m sorry.
NICK No big deal.
NORA I am sorry though I--
NICK
Rookie mistake. When you want to cuss out him or anyone else, just mute yourself. Look.
He dials.
A softer phone RING. I’m calling your side line. Pick me up.
Nora picks up .
NORA Hello?
NICK
Hi, it’s Nick. I’m a person. I’m talking to you. Can you hear me? NORA
NICK Now, watch. I hit that green button on my keypad.
He mutes himself.
I’m still talking. But you can’t hear me on the phone, right?
Nora nods.
Press it again and you’re back on.
He un-mutes himself.
Hello, Nora.
NORA Hi, Nick.
NICK
We do it all the time. Helps move things along while we’re on the phone with him. Cuts down on the crazy.
Nick notices Nora is upset.
Hey... Listen... Don’t go there. Where you’re going right now. Don’t go there. NORA
Okay.
NICK Can I ask you something?
NORA Yeah.
NICK
Here we are. I’m on the phone with you. We are also looking at each other. NORA
NORA He’s my hero.
NICK Daniel?
NORA
Like, when I was younger, maybe fifteen, I read an article about him in the
Washington Post and it... well, I decided that I wanted to do that. You know. So I went to the library and rifled through the periodicals and the mircofiche and studied his... career. So whatever, I got a dream, you know. Like he, or what he’s done anyway, gave me a dream. I never thought about what I wanted to do until I discovered him. So I went to the same college he did. I got the job at Canal Street. Intern, Receptionist, Assistant and now Assistant to the President. Assistant to Daniel. So I’m getting closer. This is sort of a big day for me.
She notices Nick’s expression.
...What?
NICK I think I’m gonna hang up now.
NORA
Right. Well, now that we’ve been people briefly we can go back to being assistants. They hang up on each other.
You think I’m crazy. You asked me a simple question and I-- NICK
No. No. I mean, I’m a little surprised you got past security-- NORA
Oh. Shut. Up.
NICK
He wants me to come in tomorrow so I’ll finish up here. You can head out. NORA
Why don’t I come in tomorrow?
NICK
You might be a serial killer. You’re definitely a stalker but you might also be a serial killer.
NORA Let me do it.
NICK Nooooo... Raaaaah...
NORA
Let me make it up to you. I just fucked up that call. I can do this. NICK
You really want to come in on a Saturday. NORA
I do. My boyfriend’s parents are in town. I’d love a reason to not meet them. NICK
You sure? That sounds like it might be... important. NORA
It’s not. This is. I gotta start getting good at some point. NICK
Saturdays are a little complicated. You need to make sure his driver is available and can be upstate by nine AM. Driver’s info is on that Post-It taped to your computer screen there. You need to contact the nanny so you can coordinate anything with his kids. You need to know the kids’ schedule backwards and forwards because at any moment he will ask you about it…
Nick continues instructing Nora until... BLACKOUT.
INTERLUDE
Vince at his new desk. He e-mails on his blackberry. He puts on his headset and makes a call.
VINCE
PREEE-moted. Promoted. It’s official. Director. Dee-OR-rector. As of two weeks ago.
Pause.
Exactly. Absolutely. No kidding.
Pause.
Of course. OF COURSE! I know but we should talk about that as soon as possible. I think so anyway. You’re a good person. So am I. We’re great people and I love this and you and the whole thing. I think it could totally work.
Pause.
I love the idea of him. Yes. Oh yeah. He could do it. He could TOTALLY do it. He could do it. He could. We just need to get him. See if he’s available and then he’ll do the crap out of it. You know? Absolutely. I love this.
Pause.
No. I’ve got a landline, a business card, a cell phone, a blackberry, a desk, don’t have an assistant yet but I’ve got an intern I just planted my flag in and you know what I mean when I say that so… I’ve got a fucking home number that’s how reachable I
am. I’m uber-reachable. You reach out. I’m there. I’m here. I’m wherever it is that you need me. Have someone send me every conceivable way of getting in contact with you. I need that in my life right now.
Laughs loud, hard and long. Too long. Awkward.
That’s what I’m saying! He could do it. I’ll have my intern find out if he’s available. And when I say my intern, I mean the assistant that I’m not paying. Best kind. School credit. That intern humped my leg so much today that I thought my pants were gonna catch fire.
Pause.
This is great. You’re great. You look great. That’s the most important thing. When it comes right down to it. Better to look good than feel good. You do! You look incredible. I wanted to fuck you so hard last time I saw you at the thing with the guy from that last project you kicked the shit out of. Fuck you so hard that when I came it would shoot out of your mouth. Jesus. JESUS! Jesus would fuck you that’s how hot you are.
Call me. E-mail me. Do whatever you gotta do. What are you doing tonight? Where are you right now?
Pause.
Text me when you get out. I’ll be in the area so yeah... get on that. I wanna see you. Make it happen. Or I’ll slice your stomach open and finger your liver. Chew on your small intestine. Got it. Yeah.
Pause.
From now on, don’t say goodbye to me. Ever. Just hang up on me. That’s what I want and need. Hang up. Just hang up.
Pause.
Hello? Hello?
He ends the call. He types on his blackberry for a moment. Then he looks up and stares at nothing.
SCENE TWO -- NIGHT
Same location. Eleven PM. A year later.
The office is the same but messier. Daniel’s office may have more awards in it.
Nick and Nora type away without looking at each other. NICK Norbert. NORA Not my name. NICK Norwellian. NORA Can’t hear you.
NICK Norwegian Wood.
NORA What is it, Nick?
NICK Important.
NORA Okay. Yep. Uh-huh.
NICK About some important business things.
NORA Nick, if you play that song again--
It should be something insanely catchy in the first five seconds. A song that would immediately stick in your head for the rest of the day. [e.g. “Vanished” by the Crystal Castles]
Nick bobs his head. Nora stares at him.
After a few moments, he turns the music off. NICK
That’s it. That’s all you get right now.
NORA What a guy!
The phone RINGS. Nick answers.
NICK Daniel Weisinger’s office.
He writes on his legal pad.
Yep. Okay. Got it.
He mutes himself.
Get Katherine.
He un-mutes himself. Nora dials.
NICK NORA
Yep. Okay. Got it. Getting Katherine.
Nick reads back a draft of an e-mail just dictated to him.
NICK NORA
“Dear Arthur, I appreciate (to Nick) the sentiment. I will be in Cell’s going straight to Chicago on Tuesday. My voicemail. Leaving word. office will set a lunch--”
NICK NORA
(to Daniel) (Leaves a message) Okay. You got it. We left Hi, Katherine. We have word for Katherine on her Daniel calling for you. cell. It went straight to Please give us a call back at voicemail. the office when you get
this. Thanks.
Nora ends her call. Dials.
NORA Trying her at home.
NICK (to Daniel)
Alex Falter sent you an e-mail. “We are looking to go ahead with the next phase of...”
He writes on his legal pad.
Yep. Yep.
Nora gestures wildly to Nick. NORA
Hi, Katherine! We have Daniel calling for you. Just a moment.
She puts the call on hold.
NORA NICK
Katherine on four. Aaaaaand we have Katherine.
NICK Okay. Sure. Yep. And here’s Katherine.
He puts Daniel on hold and picks up Katherine.
Katherine? Here’s Daniel.
He connects the call.
Daniel, you’re on with Katherine.
He puts the call on hold. Both Nick and Nora type furiously during the following exchange.
NORA
NICK The hours are probably better. Is it really eleven?
NORA
Maybe I have this all wrong. Maybe I should’ve married money-- NICK
Yay feminism.
NORA --Instead of earning it. It’s eleven pm at night!?
NICK
Those who marry for money earn it. My Aunt Gloria said that. NORA
Jesus. Did we eat dinner?
NICK
Nope. And also I don’t have an Aunt Gloria. I tricked you! NORA
Reminds me. Someone didn’t give Ed Chompers the “Daniel-Quit-Drinking” memo. NICK
Which means WE--
(points to himself and Nora) --get to drink the “thanks for being a genius” scotch.
NORA Twenty year old scotch for dinner!
NICK We should save it for a special occasion.
NORA Just pour it on my grave.
NICK
NICK That’s what he told Arthur.
NORA
‘Cuz the last time he was gonna “be in Chicago on Tuesday” Chicago ended up being Denver and Tuesday was the following Saturday.
NICK I say we plan on Chicago on Tuesday. Just for fun.
NORA
Heather’ll have a meltdown. We couldn’t send her to LA. NICK
Justin will go.
NORA Justin went to LA.
NICK Heather will go.
NORA
We can’t send Heather. He’ll kill her. He’ll kill us first then he’ll kill Heather. NICK
Justin’s thrilled not to be an intern anymore. He’ll do whatever we tell him.
She dials.
NORA
What about Falter’s e-mail? He didn’t even let you read it. They need to talk about the negotiation deadline for the--
NICK He’s eating something beautiful right now.
NORA Really?!
NICK Some sort of toast.
NORA A. Maz. Ing.
Hiiii, Heather. How are you? Borderline suicidal. So... the same. Where are you? ... ...We sent you to do that, like, an hour ago. Why is it taking so long? You’re in a cab now? Ooooooooooooooooh...
NICK OoooooooooHHHHHH---oooh!
Nora mutes herself.
NORA OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
She un-mutes herself.
Heather? Guess who’s going to Chicago?
Nick notices Daniel has ended his call with Katherine.
NICK They’re off.
Nora mutes herself.
NORA
Get him on with Falter. Or read him the rest of the e-mail. NICK
(huge sarcastic wink) No problem, Norgan Donor!
Nora un-mutes herself.
NORA
No. I’m still here. Some shiny things distracted me. Listen, he’s saying he’s gonna be in Chicago on Tuesday. Thoughts on that...
The phone RINGS. Nick answers it. NORA
Heather… Heather…
NICK Daniel Weisinger's office.
NORA NICK Did you get to his Your conference call apartment? Wait. Which tomorrow morning got apartment did you go to? pushed to-- Yep. Yep.
NORA NICK
I gotta put you on hold for Yep. Okay. a second. One sec.
Nick writes on his legal pad.
Nora puts Heather on hold. She dials.
NORA Getting Falter. Did he ask for him?
There’s a pause. Nick makes a face.
NORA What’s happening?
Nick mutes himself.
NICK All I’m getting is toast right now.
NORA Genius!!
NICK Whole ear full of toast.
NORA I should’ve majored in toast.
NICK
Little known fact about Daniel. Majored in toast. Minored in bagel. NORA
(to Falter)
Good evening, Mr. Falter. We have Daniel calling for you.
NICK
Yes! I’m here... Got it. And... we have Falter holding for you. No... He’s calling in right now.
Nora mutes herself.
NORA You sneaky fuck!
She un-mutes herself.
Just a moment for Daniel.
Nick points at Nora. It’s a gesture that reads: “Oh yes!”
Nora reciprocates with a geeky “Raise the Roof” gesture.
Nick mutes himself.
NICK Are you raising the roof?
Nora licks her middle finger then flips him the bird. Nora and Nick un-mute.
NORA NICK
Nope. Mr. Falter. He asked Yep. Yep. No. Okay... for you specifically he’s aaaaand remember we have just wrapping up—You Falter for you. Great. don’t know what we’ve Great. Here he is. been through to get you
two -- Hold just a moment!
They both put their calls on hold.
NICK What line?
NORA Five. Wait! No! Heather’s on five. Falter’s on six.
NORA OhMyGod! DANIEL’S HOLDING!
NICK Just testing you stalker…
He picks up the line.
NICK Alex, here’s Daniel.
He connects the call.
Daniel, you’re on with Alex.
He puts the call on mute..
NORA (as Daniel) “Jiminy Crickets.”
NICK (as Daniel) “That was a KEEEY-LOS one! I mean, PHEW!”
Nora picks up Heather.
NORA Heather? We were rolling. Rolling. Rolling calls.
Nick and Nora exchange a look. They are mystified. Nick goes into Daniel’s office.
Where are you? Where? ... ... So you’re a block away. Then why am I on the phone with you? I’ll talk to you when you get up here…
Nora ends the call.
He totally knows we tricked him into talking to Falter. Oh God. He totally knows... He’s gonna nail us. We’re gonna get smoked Oww-oot.
NICK (off-stage) Shake it off.
NORA
You’re right. Expense reports! The finance department are such savages. I had no idea they won’t pay his Amex bill unless we do them and we’re six months behind. I never should’ve put Heather in charge of them.
NICK (off-stage) Shake it off, Nora.
NORA
It’s what I get for slacking. I gotta teach myself Excel tonight.
She pounds her hand with her fist.
COME ON! NORA! FOCUS!
Nick re-enters. He has a carton of Nat Sherman cigarettes.
NICK
You know, you’d be really good at this job if you stopped letting him psych you out. NORA
It’s not my fault! When someone tries to psych me out, I get psyched out. That’s cause and effect.
NICK Relax, principessa.
NORA
A year ago I was relaxed. Now it hurts when I pee. What’s that? NICK
A present. I got you.
NORA
(imitates buzzer) Errrr. Nope.
NICK
Spoils of war. No one told Jamson Daniel quit smoking.
Nick tosses her the carton. She opens it. She takes out a pack, opens it and takes a cigarette for herself. NICK
NORA Light?
Nick lights himself a cigarette then tosses her the matches. Nora lights up.
NORA
These taste like an especially good episode of Mad Men. NICK
They should at seventeen bucks a pack. Soon only the rich will smoke. NORA
Only the rich will be allowed to destroy themselves. The poor will have to live forever. NICK
And the meek shall inherit.
NORA Were you raised Catholic?
NICK Yeah. NORA Me too! NICK Oh.... I know. NORA Fuck off. NICK Did you talk to Heather?
NORA Yep.
NICK
Stop encouraging that one and start using some Jedi Mind Tricks! NORA
NICK
I’ve been meaning to mention something. You’ve been here for a year now. And it’s time to break this to you.
A dramatic pause.
This. Is. The Job.
NORA
You’d think selling our souls would be more profitable. We’d make more money balloonfolding at children’s parties. You’ve been here over two years and he hasn’t bumped you
up a cent.
Nick doesn’t respond. He types.
Nick.
NICK Yes, Nordic Track.
NORA Is there something you want to tell me?
NICK I know magic.
HEATHER (late 20s to early 30s) enters like a whirlwind of stress. She holds a huge bouquet of flowers, several tote-bags and shopping bags full of books. She is a nice but frenetic-looking girl.
HEATHER
So I dropped off the printer and walked the dog because I don’t think anyone has done that since Daniel left. I called Freddie but he said no one asked him to do it.
NORA I asked him to do it.
HEATHER
I knew he was lying! That fucking guy! Anything that’s not driving the Mercedes is outside his realm of understanding.
NICK You’re so racist.
NORA So it’s fine. Dog’s been walked.
HEATHER
Yes. I went to FedEx and sent the Kempler contract so we don’t have to worry about scanning all seventy-two pages individually. I JUST made it there. Right before they closed. So awesome. I slipped in and begged the guy to take it even though he said it’s apparently--
(HUGE finger quotes) --“illegal” to take something after nine PM.
NORA I’ve gotten that before.
HEATHER Bullshit.
NICK Did you do Saturday delivery?
HEATHER What?
NORA Oh Christ. Heather. Tell me you did Saturday delivery.
HEATHER
It’s Friday. It’s obvious that it’s Saturday delivery. I told him it had to be there tomorrow.
NORA
But did you actually check the “Saturday delivery” box?
A pause. HEATHER I must have. NICK Ooooooooooooooooh! HEATHER Please don’t. Please.
NICK
Have you guys seen David After Dentist? “Is this real life?”
He dials.
NORA I’ll messenger Kempler. I know a shady courier service.
HEATHER
No! You’re already covering my ass with the expense reports. NICK
“Why is this happening to me?
NORA It’s fine. I’ll handle these.
HEATHER Please! GIVE ME STUFF TO DO!
NORA We did!
NICK “Will this be forever?”
NORA Did you buy the books?
HEATHER
They only had five copies at Barnes and Noble. Got those. Got ten copies from the other one uptown. I have six copies on hold at a used book store on sixty-eighth.
NICK
(on his call, he says “Marshmellow” like “Hello”) Marshmellow, Ken!
HEATHER I have to go back up there.
NORA You didn’t get them?!
HEATHER
My credit card was declined. I forgot I maxed it out to pay my cell phone bill. NICK
(to Ken)
So the man is going to Chicago. Just set a lunch for Tuesday. What’s the latest he could leave?
HEATHER
Verizon was gonna shut it off because I haven’t paid my bill in three months but I was traveling with Daniel! I couldn’t NOT have a working phone with Daniel!
NICK (to Ken)
Basically we need to think of every conceivable option for getting him to Chicago from his location at this moment.
Nora gives Heather some money.
NORA We need to talk about Chicago.
HEATHER I thought you were joking about that.
NICK (to Ken)
Factoring in the possibility of him coming back to New York first. Yes. For this leprosy benefit. NORA
He might bring Justin.
HEATHER Justin went to LA.
NORA I know.
NICK
(to Ken; says “Fruit Pie” like “Goodbye”) Ken. You are the best. E-mail me. Call me back. Yep. Fruit Pie!
HEATHER Nick, I really can’t go to Chicago.
NICK
Whoa. Heather McHeatherstein. It’s all business with you. First of all, how are you? HEATHER
My uncle just passed away and I have to go to the funeral. NICK
Did you clear this with HR?
HEATHER It’s bereavement. Isn’t it? This counts as bereavement.
NICK I was joking.
NORA
Heather has to go to a funeral. It’s bereavement leave or whatever. NICK
Quick! Somebody spell “bereavement”.
HEATHER I don’t want to get fired.
NICK This is what I say... Call your mom.
NORA Nick!
NICK
...and feel out how important it is to her that you’re there. NORA
It’s important to Heather that Heather is there. HEATHER
NORA Let him know she’ll blackberry all through the service.
NICK That joke was in poor taste if you ask me.
NORA You... taste... poor.
NICK Good comeback!
HEATHER
I don’t want him to think I’m not committed enough. I’ve only been here a couple of months. It might show him that I really want to be here if I give this up.
NICK I’ll talk to Daniel.
Heather hugs Nick.
HEATHER
Oh my god! Thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me. NICK
Now that this is settled. Let’s move on to the topic at hand which is…
Nick presses a button on his computer.
Once again, a song plays. Same song as before.
Both Nora and Heather react.
NORA HEATHER
It’s actually hurting my Please stop playing that. spine at this point.
Nick turns off the music. He points to the bouquet of flowers.
NICK What are those?
HEATHER
Nora snatches the flowers and checks the card.
NORA I forgot to pick those up earlier.
NICK From who?
NORA Whom.
NICK It’s “who” isn’t it?
HEATHER Whom.
Nick pretends to answer the phone.
NICK Daniel Weisinger's office.
Nora imitates Daniel. Again, she resembles the fat feline velociraptor hybrid. Her voice gruff.
NORA (as Daniel) “I mean, hello?”
NICK Hi Daniel!
NORA (as Daniel)
“Hello. I mean, Nick, I mean, hello. Nick? I mean, Heather can’t go to Chicago? Feee- IRE her. And si-MOO-taneously fire yourself. You’re, I mean, FEEE-ired. I mean, thank youuuuuuuu. “
HEATHER I’m calling my mom now.
NORA Whom.
NICK Right. So. From whom?
NORA
(looking straight at Nick) That guy I’m cheating on.
NICK
(looking straight at Nora) Right... That guy.
The phone RINGS. HEATHER
Let me get it!!
NICK It’s Bird. Put him on speakerphone.
HEATHER Oh. I don’t think so. He hates that.
She answers the call.
Daniel Weisinger's office. Hi, Justin. How are you?... ...Everything okay? ...Oh... Okay.
She puts the call on hold.
He wants to talk to you, Nick.
NICK Watch and learn, ladies.
He puts the call on speakerphone. Daniel Weisinger's... Office?
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] Fuck off…
NICK
(Pretending he can’t hear him.) Hello?
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] Come on, Nick. It’s been a fifteen hour day.
NICK Is this the Birdman?
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] Why are you letting Punky Brewster answer the phones? Daniel would kill you. Where’s Nora?
NORA Talk to me, Goose.
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] Am I on fucking speakerphone?
NICK I have no idea what you’re talking about.
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] Take me the fuck off speakerphone, assholes. I’m exhausted.
NORA THREE HIM!
NICK
I’m sorry. You’ve reached the office of the President of the Company so… I can transfer you to reception and I’m sure someone can help you out.
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] Nick, I swear to God if you three me--
Nick presses the number three. Loud piercing BEEP.
NICK NORA JUSTIN
THREEEEEEE! THREEEEEEE! fuckfuckfuckyoufuckin fuckersfuckfuckyoufuck… Nick transfers the call.
HEATHER Why do you guys do that?
NORA
I just want everyone to know that I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to become a man who can’t end a phone call properly.
HEATHER Did you really just transfer him to reception?
NICK Yes.
NORA I love you.
The phone RINGS.
Nora answers. During the following, Nick pantomimes a talking Justin. He looks like a Muppet.
NORA Daniel Weisinger's office.
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE]
You tell that asshole I will strangle him and his entire family if he does that to me again. NORA
Easy there, Bird.
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] Am I on speakerphone?
NORA
No. But there’s this weird echo. Are you in a closet right now?
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] I wish. I’m standing outside the restaurant. He just went into his dinner. I’m gonna wait in the car but he said no calls.
Nora stifles a laugh. Hello?
NORA No calls. Got it.
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] Also, he wants to go to Chicago on Tuesday.
NORA Yeah we know. Ken’s on it.
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] We might leave from here.
NORA Yeah...
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] I’m telling you right now that if he takes me to Chicago I may not come back.
NORA Why?
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] It’s been bad out here, man. Shit’s going down.
NORA Crickets! I’ll go to Chicago.
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE]
Oh yeah thanks a lot. I'm getting assraped every day and you're desk-bound flirting with Nick, because Daniel won't take you anywhere anymore. Not since he smoked you at the Oberoi in front of half the population of Cairo.
NORA (as Daniel)
“I mean, Nora, I mean, you will NEE-ever work in this town again!” (in her own voice)
And I was like “Why would I wanna work in Cairo?”
Justin laughs.
You’re laughing! That means you still have a soul. JUSTIN And I’d like to preserve that. So let’s send Heather.
HEATHER Justin, I can’t go to Chicago. I have to go to my--
JUSTIN [ON SPEAKERPHONE] GODDAMMIT! TAKE ME THE FUCK OFF SPEAKERPHONE!
Nick slaps his hand to his forehead. He takes Justin off
He ends the call.
HEATHER So... Justin’s gonna go?
NICK It’s looking good.
HEATHER Okay. I’ll let my mom know I’m coming to Pennsylvania.
NICK Those flowers look expensive.
NORA They probably are. I’m a lucky girl.
HEATHER
I’ll get the rest of the books first thing Monday morning. They probably open at nine. Maybe eight. Probably nine though. Shit. Monday’s a holiday.
NORA It is?
HEATHER President’s Day.
NORA
What is this “President’s Day” you speak of? People do not work on this day? NICK
The government. The US Postal Service. Banks. But for Daniel Weisinger… NORA
(sings) Just another Manic Monday!
HEATHER
Tuesday! Before the funeral, I’ll get them. I’ll bring the books down to the office and then I’ll go back up to Port Authority and I should be able to get to Pennsylvania before the service starts. I can be back here by six or seven and take the late shift. I’m really sorry about this guys. But my uncle… I just really…
NORA Cared about him.
HEATHER Yeah.
NICK How’d he die?
HEATHER Heart attack while jogging. He was 42.
NICK Heavy.
The phone RINGS. Nora checks caller ID. NORA
It’s HIM.
NICK Direct from his cell!
HEATHER I’ll get it!
NICK NORA
No! No!
Nora answers the call.
NORA Daniel Weisinger's office... Hi Daniel... Yep. Yep.
She writes on her legal pad.
Okay. Ken is sending two itineraries to us. One from LA to Chicago. And one from
New York to Chicago... ...In case you wanted to go to the leprosy benefit on Monday with--
Nora smiles suddenly and blushes.
Oh. Yes. Well... You’re welcome. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate that, Daniel... ...Of course. And Nick wants to talk to you.
NORA HEATHER He’s holding! He’s holding!
Nick picks up the call.
NICK
Hi Daniel... Yes. ...Did you want to take Justin with you to Chicago or-- Yep. Yep.
He writes on his legal pad.
No. Heather has a funeral to go to so I said I’d ask if... ...No. She isn’t here. She’s out running--
HEATHER I can talk to him.
Both Nick and Nora make violent “Shut Up” gestures. NICK
Daniel... ...I understand. No, I’m not retarded. I’m only saying this because Heather--
Nick winces. He’s being screamed at.
No. I don’t... ...I do not want to fuck Heather. Her uncle... No. Nope. I don’t want to fuck her uncle either ...Yes. Okay. I understand. Yep.
He hangs up.
Don’t do that to me, Nora!
NORA But you said you’d--
NICK We don’t do that to each other! That’s what HE does!
NORA What did he say?
NICK
He doesn’t want to talk about it now because he’s going into a fucking dinner. Which is what I would’ve TOLD you guys if you hadn’t SNIPED me.
HEATHER I can call my Mom--
NICK Heather. Go. Home. Now.
HEATHER Crickets.
Heather gathers up her things and exits. NORA
Nick, I’m sorry.
NICK Don’t fucking apologize. You sound like her.
NORA Jesus Christ. I’m trying to help her--
NICK Well, knock it OFF!
NORA Quit SHOUTING at me!
NICK Don’t do HEATHER’S JOB!! Do YOUR job!
NORA STOP YELLING!
Nick’s face goes red with rage. This is probably more like what Daniel looks like.
NICK
(furious; spitting)
YOU do YOUR job so you can take MY job. Don’t you fucking GET that?! I DON’T WASTE MY TIME HELPING PEOPLE! I’m too busy getting thrown in front of a freight train by every single person in this company. I’m too busy being the cum-shot girl in the gang-bang. I’m the fucking violinist on the Titanic. And I’m never gonna get out of here if someone else doesn’t learn the fucking death march!
Long beat. Nick breathes. He feels guilty for yelling.
NORA Don’t go there. Where you’re going right now...
NICK
You can’t worry about the Heathers of the world. The Heathers of the world don’t last longer than six weeks. They die right after they’re born like cloned sheep.
NORA You didn’t eat anything today.
Nora goes into Daniel’s office.
Nick lights up a cigarette. He ashes in Nora’s flowers. Nora re-enters with an expensive bottle of scotch. Opens it. She pours it into coffee mugs.
NICK Bold move, Norwegian Cruise Line.
NORA When?
NICK When what?
NORA He’s promoting you, isn’t he?
NICK End of the month.
NORA You’re lying. NICK Nope. NORA He’s lying. NICK We shook on it. NORA I hope he doesn’t fuck you.
NICK He won’t.
NORA
I don’t trust Daniel to mail a letter let alone keep a promise.
She takes a cigarette from the carton.
Won’t he smell the smoke?
NICK
When has he ever noticed anything we do in here? We’ve done some pretty-- NORA
OkayOkay.Okay!
NICK NORA
I can’t believe he hasn’t Alrightalright. Stop! said anything about the STOP! NICHOLAS! couch yet--
NICK Are you gonna miss me?
NORA
No way! Once you leave people will finally start treating me like I actually work here. (dances)
That’s the way the assistant shuffle goes! NICK Don’t hurt yourself!
They dance for a second. It gets weird.
Nora leans into him. He pulls away from her. She realizes he’s pulling away so she does too but then he tries to go in for a kiss and she starts giggling. This should all be funny and last only a few seconds.
NICK Did you just try to kiss me?
NORA Did you just try to make it work?
NICK Let’s not be people anymore.
NORA It was a bad idea.
The phone RINGS. Nora checks the Caller ID. NORA
Allow me. This dinner must be boring as shit if he keeps calling in. NICK
I’ll let you kiss me if you slip in a “marshmellow”.
Nora answers.
NORA
(saying “Marshmellow” like “Hello”) Marshmellow, Daniel Weisinger's Office.
She stifles giggles.
NICK He didn’t even notice?
Nora shakes her head. Nora mutes herself.
NORA I don’t think he even remembers he called us--
She stiffens and un-mutes herself.
NORA Yes, Daniel. It’s Nora. I’m here.
She winces. She is being screamed at.
I... don’t know. Yes. I said I don’t know because... Yes... I am stupid. Okay. I’m STUPID!
She mutes herself.
Get Morris.
NICK Getting Morris at home...
Nora un-mutes herself.
NORA
We’re getting Morris at home... I don’t know why your Amex was declined... Finance should know…
NICK Justin, MasterCard.
NORA ...Justin has the MasterCard--
NICK Leaving word for Morris.
NORA NICK
No. I don’t know why. Morris. Call us back as Um... The expense soon as you get this. We reports... were a little late have Daniel calling from so that’s probably why-- LA.
But Morris... Finance
should-- Nick hangs up. Dials again.
Trying him again. NORA
Yes! I did lie to you. I’m sorry--
Nora looks at Nick. Like a puppy about to be put down.
NICK Hang in there, Nor. I got you--
NORA I’m not apologizing. I mean, I am... No. I lied. But--
NICK
(gestures to Nora) Morris. I have Daniel.
Nora stares at the pile of expense reports.
NORA
We never did them...No. No... Daniel... It’s Heather. It was her job... It wasn’t me. She fucking-- (she covers her mouth) I’m not cursing at you. I didn’t mean to! I was scared so I lied... ...You’re right... ...You’re right... In the future I will do that. …The truth is, I’m afraid of you. I know I should be stronger. I will work on that... It should be Heather. ...Okay... ...I will wash my mouth out with soap... Yes... I’m going to the bathroom now... to do that... Okay...
She hangs up. She stares at nothing until her eyes water. Nick watches her. Then...
Nick picks up his call. NICK
Morris. Van Morrison. Yeah. False alarm, buddy... ...We had him. He asked for you... Then he disappeared in a puff of smoke... ...Thanks man. Sorry to wake you... ...Oh... Sorry to wake the baby then... ...Okay.
He ends the call.
She pushes all the expense reports off her desk onto the floor. Not in anger. But with a slow swipe of her hand as if the action would quietly erase her defeat.
NORA He fired Heather.
NICK I’ll tell her it was because of the funeral.
NORA Okay.
NICK That isn’t on you.
NORA Okay.
NICK You’re tired. .
Pause.
Pause.
Why don’t you go home, thank your guy for the arrangement and-- NORA
I don’t wanna leave. I hate it here and I don’t want to leave.
A beat. Nick doesn’t know what to do.
Once again, Nick presses a button on his computer and the same song as before plays.
This time, he lets it play instead of stopping it. Nora cracks a smile. Encouraged, Nick dances a goofy dance. NORA
I hate you so much.
Nick dances over to her.
Nora dances. They move closer.
It’s clear they’ve danced together before... And that they’ve done other things...
Their dance moves into Daniel’s office. Nick closes the door behind them.
INTERLUDE
Heather, in a winter coat, is on her cell phone. She waits for a bus. She is very upset. She listens to a tirade from the person on the other end of the conversation. HEATHER
Mom.
Pause.
Mom! I’m not punishing you. I’m not doing anything.
Pause.
I don’t know what you want from me. I got FIRED. I got fired. I tried to get there and I got fired for trying to get there. So all that work doesn’t even mean anything now. Okay? I’m unemployed again and now I have to start all over somewhere else and I worked on getting that position for years. Angling. Bribing. Dodging. To get that job. For you.
Pause.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Why else would I put myself through that? I did it for you and Dad. I WENT THROUGH ALL OF THAT FOR YOU!
Pause.
BECAUSE I WANTED YOU TO BE PROUD OF ME! BECAUSE I WANTED YOU TO SAY AT PARTIES THAT I’M DANIEL WEISINGER’S ASSISTANT AND BE PROUD OF ME!
Pause.
I’m not going back there. I’m not. I won’t do it. I won’t beg for my job back. Because I’m EMBARRASSED.
Pause.
BECAUSE I ALREADY DID AND THEY WOULDN’T GIVE IT BACK TO ME!
Pause.
DANIEL DOESN’T CARE THAT YOUR BROTHER IS DEAD! HE DOESN’T GIVE A RAT’S ASS THAT I HAD TO GO TO A FUNERAL. HE DOESN’T CARE
ABOUT ME! I AM REPLACEABLE! HE DOESN’T KNOW ME FROM SOME GUY WITH AN MBA IN BUSINESS THAT SOME OVERPRICED
NORTHEASTERN SCHOOL HANDED HIM YESTERDAY—
Pause.
THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME IMPORTANT AND NOW IT’S GONE BECAUSE OF YOU!!! AND YOUR STUPID—
Pause.
I DON’T CARE THAT YOU’RE SORRY. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY FUCKING JOB BACK, MOM. I FUCKING EARNED IT AND I WANT IT back...
Mom. I can’t do this. I can’t fight about this right now. I have to go into a job interview in 20 minutes. I can’t talk about this right now.
Pause.
I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry. I think I have to come home… for a little bit. I can’t work like this anymore. I think I’m going crazy.
Pause.
Okay. I’ll call you afterwards and let you know how it went. Okay. Okay.
Pause.
I love you too, Mom. Bye-uh.
SCENE THREE -- MORNING
Same location. Another year later. It’s Seven AM. The office is same as before but more chaotic. Nora stands by her desk, mid-phone-conversation.
Nora has morphed into a positively crazed-looking person
JENNY (mid to late 20s), a pretty British chick
impeccably dressed with all her shit together, sits at
Heather’s old desk. NORA
No. No. No. Let me explain something to you... ...Let me explain something! HELLO! I am about to literally throw myself out a window. If you do not do what I am asking, you will be responsible for the death of another human being. That will weigh on your conscience for the rest of your life. Every time you look into the eyes of a loved one you will live in terror that they will discover that you really are… in fact, a murderer.
Jenny dials.
NORA My boss’s plane is landing in fifteen minutes if you do not have someone waiting on the tarmac with the package
that, as we speak, is in the JENNY
possession of a five foot (in fluent Spanish) three Hispanic man named Hello, Joaquin. How are “JOAQUIN” standing you? Could you please about fifty yards away take the package into the from the FBO… I will be FBO? Yes. Thank you. fired. Give it to a person
named... uh... hold on-- NORA
(fakes tears) JENNY
NORA
...I will call to confirm you have it in ten minutes. Thank you. Excuse me. Sir? NORA
You’re a hero. You are. Hero.
JENNY Nora.
Nora mutes herself.
NORA What!?
JENNY What’s his name?
NORA Joaquin.
JENNY No. Who are you talking to?
Nora un-mutes herself.
NORA Excuse me, Mr. Hero? What’s your name?
(to Jenny) Alfred.
JENNY
(in fluent Spanish) --Please give the package to Mr. Alfred. Thank you, Joaquin.
She ends her call.
It’ll be there in two shakes of a lambs.
NORA
(on her call; saying “Fruit Pie” like “Goodbye”) Forget it. Package coming to you. Fruit PIIIIIIIIIIE!
JENNY
I only say so because you’re really stressing yourself out. NORA
We can’t all be Miss Cool-As-A-Cucumber. Otherwise you wouldn’t have anyone to out-assist.
JENNY
I don’t know where you get this idea that we’re in some sort of competition. I’m here to help you. You’ve been here MUCH longer than I have.
NORA (sotto) Here it comes. We girls--
JENNY We girls have to stick together in this sausage factory.
NORA (sotto) --sausage somethingerother.
NORA JENNY
(almost inaudible) I just want to make the ....meee Meee ‘small small point that everything point’ blah doesn’t have to be an
emergency. NORA
You’re right! Everything is running so smoothly all the time. JENNY
It could.
NORA
Ah! The idealism. It’s this sort of attitude that really helped you guys stick it to the colonies.
The phone RINGS.
Both girls rush to answer it. Nora wins. NORA
JENNY
This is what happens in cults. Like People’s Temple or Scientology. NORA
Justin’s traveling with him. The second he calls in we will give him your message. JENNY
Members turn against each other instead of revolting against authority. NORA
Momentarily, Jerry. In moments. Moments from this moment. JENNY
This is why I appreciate your flair for the dramatic despite what you think I think. It’s an interesting survival technique.
NORA Got it. Ciao.
She ends the call.
I appreciate your appreciation.
JENNY However, I don’t feel it’s the best way to learn.
NORA
Oh! Were you interested in mastering a craft here? Because I’m just perfecting the art of dodging responsibility.
JENNY
You create a stasis. A means of coping at the same level. That’s why I’m always pushing, or… what’s that word you use? “One-upping”? When you’re
simply enabling this kind of frenetic lifestyle instead of improving upon it then there’s no room for progression or evolution.
NORA
I wonder if you’ll be putting that Bachelor’s degree in Anthropology to good use when you’re injecting cyanide into the mouths of newborns.
They both leap to answer it. Nora wins again.
NORA
Daniel Weisinger’s Office. Morris. You’re calling about the executed checks? Yes... ...I get it. Let me tell you... ...Yep... Morris. I have about thirty-seven pending issues to discuss with Daniel. And I assure you, executed amenity checks are NOT at the top of that, or any, list. So You Guys. Can go fuck your--
JENNY The checks for Hanover Gunderson?
Jenny holds up some checks.
Nora mutes herself.
NORA He signed them?
JENNY
I slipped them into Justin’s paperwork before they left for London. NORA
Well-played. Terrifyingly well-played.
She un-mutes herself.
Morris? We’re inter-officing them over. You’re-- (singing) --WELCOME!!!
She ends the call.
JENNY Where was I?
NORA
Progression and evolution. Listen. We do whatever springs into Daniel’s psychotic putrid skull at any given moment then do that until he spits out another request. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. There’s no evolution. There’s just the monkey phase.
JENNY
You’re saying that because you’ve lost sight of what you want. NORA
JENNY You can’t let Daniel stop you from being Daniel.
Nora doesn’t respond to this.
I’m certainly not going to. I’m going to be bigger than Daniel. I know what I want and I’m going to get what I can out of this job then move on and up to--
NORA
No one moves up here, Jenny. No one has been promoted in years. JENNY
That was rather sad about Nick.
NORA Sad? It’s fucking Shakespearean.
JENNY
There was a company-wide e-mail announcing his promotion and everything. NORA
And the guy is still here. I am still here.
JENNY He must have done something.
NORA
No. Daniel had a bad sandwich that day and Nick was back to being an assistant. It’s just that random.
JENNY
Nick ALMOST told me last night. We went for drinks at the pub. NORA
Where?
JENNY NORA
Martinetti’s (why did she even ask)
NORA Yeah. Daniel hates lies. Stop being so nosy.
JENNY You should come out with us next time.
NORA No thanks.
JENNY
Nice way to blow off some of that steam. Have a personal life on top of all this. NORA
THIS is my life now. I never go home. I never go anywhere. I never sleep longer than five hours a night. My boyfriend dumped me because... ...cuz I never came home.
JENNY You two would make a good match.
NORA What was that?
JENNY You and Nick.
NORA I gotta finish this e-mail.
Nora types.
JENNY I sense a certain tension there...
NORA “Thank you for your help in this matter—”
JENNY ...of the romantic variety.
NORA “—if there’s anything we can do from our end.” JENNY He’s good looking in that... Office way.
NORA (covering)
Nick is gross. The day I met him I spent the entire afternoon throwing up.
Nora dials.
JENNY
He has nicer things to say about you. When he’s drunk at least. NORA
What did he say?
JENNY
Oh. I can’t remember... something like... you have a nice body. NORA
(dying to know what Nick thinks of her body) Tell me exactly what he said or you’re not a good friend.
Nick enters with three Starbucks coffee cups in a tray.
He is majorly hung-over.
The girls act “casual”. Nora dials.
NICK Bon Giorno Princepessas.
JENNY Marshmellow, Nico-LAS!
NORA
Hey Alfred, I’m calling to confirm you received the package I just called about. NICK
I don’t know about you. But my face is actually made of scotch this morning. JENNY
I had so much fun with you last night. You’re fun. NORA
NORA Do not start calling me Crash.
JENNY I rather like it.
NICK Right?
JENNY Very fitting.
Nora un-mutes herself.
NORA Tail number 431 Tango Bravo. Yep. Yep.
JENNY You look smart.
NICK That’s because I went to college.
JENNY “Smart” is well-dressed and “University” is college.
NICK Let’s speak British always and nothing else!
NORA
Thank you so much. Hand it to him the second he steps off the plane. Cheers.
She ends her call.
NICK So you took care of that package?
NORA (to Jenny) I get this e-mail from Nick at 3 AM...
NICK Around the time I tried to--
JENNY Oh right with the—
NORA
...telling me that he forgot to send Daniel’s medicine upstate so Bird could bring it on the flight to the UK.
NICK OooooooOOOOH.
NORA
So I get on the phone with pharmacy after pharmacy in London to have the prescription filled and then messengered to the FBO for when they land. So no one gets smoked.
JENNY Well done, Crash.
NORA Thank you. Don’t call me that.
Nick attempts a fist tap with Nora, who ignores him.
NICK
It was one of those moments where the thing you forgot to do suddenly catches up with you. Like it’s been chasing you all day. And you keep looking over your shoulder.
JENNY Behind your shoulder.
NORA Behind?
NICK Over.
NORA I’m gonna burn this whole place to the ground.
NICK
Anyway, you’re sure there’s something behind your shoulder and then you’re like WHAM! Medicine. Upstate.
JENNY
