"There's Something About Sasquatch"
Written by
EXT. THE MYSTERY HACK - AFTERNOON - ESTABLISHING
A crystal clear day. Jeff the gnome runs towards the shack, but is SMACKED by a passing mail truck. He “EEEEE’s” as he flies through the air.
INT. SHACK - GIFT SHOP - CONTINUOUS
A mystery shack ornament (complete with missing ‘s’) is hung on a tree by MABEL.
MABEL There. Perfect!
The tree is actually SOOS standing on the checkout table. WENDY wraps a colorful ribbon around Soos.
MABEL (CONT’D)
And a Happy Soosmas Day was had by all!
Soos admires his decorations. SOOS
Check it out! I’m a Soosmas Tree! I guess you really CAN be anything when you grow up!
DIPPER enters, reading a book: “Amateur Lock-picking for People who aren’t Thieves”
DIPPER
Mabel, Christmas is months away, what are you guys doing?
WENDY
Chillax gov’na. We’re just playing a round of truth or dare.
DIPPER
REeeaaalllyy? You know, I’m quite the truth or dare master. People back at school crowned me champion this past year. They even said in the yearbook “most likely to win in truth or dare.”
SOOS
Dipper in the shack! Dude, truth or dare?
DIPPER
Truth! Because I always tell the truth.
SOOS
Who is your secret crush?
Wendy immediately has a dreamy pink aura surrounding her. EXTREME CLOSE-UP on Dipper’s face.
DIPPER
I DON’T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE. GRUNKLE STAN bursts through the front door.
STAN
Mail call! A postcard for Soos...
Stan looks at the Soosmas tree and slides the postcard in between Soos’ fingers.
SOOS
Oh boy! Mom’s been on vacation in the Bahamas. Look at her go!
The postcard shows Soos’ mom vacuuming the beach. STAN
...A package for Dipper from your parents and the Gravity Falls Gossiper.
DIPPER
(looks to Gossiper) Whoa. A blurry, shady,
overpixelated picture of Sasquatch on the cover? I knew he was real!
MABEL
Sasquatch? Pha! That’s
ridiculous. Who believes in that kind of junk?
STAN
And finally...A Merman’s Monthly Digest for...Who is Blame Spine?
MABEL
I’LL THROW THAT AWAY FOR YOU!
Mabel grabs the magazine and bolts out of the room. Wendy checks out Dipper’s Gossiper.
WENDY
Dude, Sasquatch is on the cover? That’s sick! He is so retro.
DIPPER
Do you um...like Sasquatch? WENDY
Heck yeah! I mean, I’d love to see a clear picture of the guy, but either way, Sasquatch is totally retro and retro is in.
STAN Am I retro?
WENDY
Nah. You’re groovy or possibly old timey. Both of which are out.
STAN
You know who’s out? You. As in YOU are OUTside cleaning the gutters for a paycheck. ZING!
Stan passes Wendy cleaning supplies. Wendy frowns as they both go outside. Dipper opens the package and pulls out a letter and a camcorder.
DIPPER (reads letter)
Dear Dipper and Mabel, we hope you are having fun in Gravity Falls and are on your best behavior.
Soos falls over, SMASHING several shelves of merchandise. SOOS
Can someone grab the star? It’s in a place I can’t reach!
DIPPER (back to letter)
We wanted to get a taste of the things you kids are up to, so we’re sending you our old video camera in the hopes that you’ll send us back some great footage of you two. Take care, love, Mom and Dad.
DIPPER (CONT’D)
This is perfect! I’ll get ACTUAL footage of Sasquatch and then Wendy will think I’m super retro!
SOOS
You’re not retro dude. You’re more like...Dipper.
DIPPER Is that in?
SOOS
I don’t know man. I can’t keep up with you YOLO kids and your
constantly changing catch phrases. Stan enters.
STAN
Phew! Man, it’s really Dipper outside today.
DIPPER What does that mean?
STAN
What it sounds like. Hey! What happened to the merchandise?
Stan runs to Soos. Off Dipper’s perplexed expression --MAIN TITLES
ACT ONE OVER BLACK
TEXT appears ON SCREEN and is read by a NARRATOR. NARRATOR (V.O.)
In July of 2013, a boy named Dipper attempted to get video proof of a Sasquatch in order to impress a girl. He lost the footage when a goat took it, but then later found it, only to have Mabel steal the unedited footage. After a brief fight, the twins ended up getting trapped inside of the Television. Once they escaped and learned a valuable lesson about respecting each others property, Dipper discovered that the footage was recorded over by Grunkle Stan who was taping the very movie the twins were captured in, ‘The Duchess
Disapproves,’ an unremarkable
sequel to the classic. Unbeknownst to Dipper and at some point in
between the goat and the TV
incident, the footage was captured on a computer and forgotten
about... UNTIL NOW...
(NOTE: The rest of the episode will be shown from the POV of Dipper’s camera unless otherwise noted. More often than not, the footage is often shaky and doesn’t always show the full picture of what’s going on)
INT. DIPPER AND MABEL’S ROOM - MORNING
Dipper flips on the video camera and points it at himself. DIPPER
Today is July 19th, 2013 and today I go on a hunt for Sasquatch.
(reads from journal)
Many have attempted to get even the tiniest piece of evidence showing the existence of this creature, but all have failed. Now, it’s
MABEL
And in order to shine, you gotta have glorious hair!
Reveal Mabel, brushing Dipper’s hair and putting in hairpins. DIPPER
Can I help you with something? MABEL
Nah, I got this. Your hair is like soft clay I’m molding into a great masterpiece. MY masterpiece. Also are you going to be recording
everything we do from now on? DIPPER
Think of it this way Mabel: You’re the star in the movie we’ll be sending Mom and Dad!
MABEL
Really? My finest moment! A day in the life of Blame Spine! I mean, Mabel Pines! That’s my actual name...and Waddles!
Mabel pulls Waddles into frame, but Waddles snout SMACKS the camera, knocking it over. Waddles OINK OINKS. The camera goes to STATIC for a moment
--INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
-- and resumes recording on Dipper’s shoes entering the kitchen. He whips around to Mabel and Waddles who wave.
MABEL
Whoa! Pancakes and eggs and toast? Did we do something right?
Grunkle Stan at the stove whips around to the camera and waves his spatula. He wears an apron reading “Tip the Cook.”
STAN
Why, hello my dear children! No special occasion! I always make you kids a healthy breakfast with plenty of nutrients and antioxygens or whatever people think is good for kids these days. Now who wants some crispy baccc...
STAN (CONT’D)
...aaakeedd potates! They’re like hashbrowns without the effort!
DIPPER
Alright Grunkle Stan, what’s really going on here?
STAN
Nothing! We’re just going to do a family fun thing today! Dipper will you put that camera down for a second and stop recordi
--A quick jump of ST--ATIC, immediately followed by the camera on its side, recording Stan next to the dinner table.
STAN (CONT’D)
--you two on my team for the Tri-Annual Acorn Syruping Festival
today. Tourists go crazy for acorn syrup which means big bucks for the hack.
DIPPER You mean the shack?
STAN
Is that what the sign out front says?
MABEL
I’ve never had acorn syrup. It sounds...nutty.
STAN
Not just nutty, but delicious! And I have a secret weapon that will guarantee my victory: The Great White Oak. Best acorns for syrup ever! Anyway, the winner gets a blue ribbon and I would sell the rest for tons of cash. What do ya say?
DIPPER
Maybe next time Grunkle Stan. STAN
Come on kid, I’ve never won. I always get so close, but I get sabotaged every time. I even have photographic evidence.
Stan slaps a stack of photos by the camera. Dipper goes through the photos and flips the camera upright.
Each photo shows Stan’s table and syrup getting destroyed and in each photo, there are two mysterious figures wearing
trench coats running away from the destruction. MABEL
Who would do such a thing? STAN
I have my suspicions. I’m thinking it’s the Northwest family.
MABEL
PACIFICA...Say no more Grunkle Stan. Waddles and I are in.
DIPPER
Maybe next time. I’m trying to get footage of Sasquatch today.
MABEL
Dipper, this is a chance to crush Pacifica. You’re coming.
DIPPER
I don’t need to crush Pacifica. STAN
Kid, you’re coming. It may be against your will, but so help me...Wait, is that red light
--INT. GRUNKLE STAN’S CAR - MOMENTS LATER
The camera comes into focus on Stan. He picks his ear, looks at the ear wax, smells it and flicks it out the window.
Mabel grabs the camera and points it on herself. MABEL
Today on the Mabel and Waddles show, we’re making acorn syrup! Once Dipper and I gather all the acorns, we’ll smash and mash Pacifica in a similar fashion.
(ala Martha Stewart)
It’s a good thing. Waddles, your thoughts?
STAN
Hey! Keep that pig under control back there!
Dipper flips the camera on himself. DIPPER
(whispers)
And while they do that, I’ll be secretly hunting the mighty Sasquatch.
STAN
Dipper, we’re going into the woods to make syrup and have family fun time. You can search for a made up creature another time.
MABEL
I’m going to get first place and shove it in Pacifica’s face!
STAN
That sounds like a selfish reason to win. You’re like the daughter I always wanted!
DIPPER
And I’m going to find Sasquatch to woo the heart of a ruby haired vixen.
STAN
That sounds like love. Nothing is more unselfish. I’ve got more work to do on you kid.
On Dipper’s frown
--EXT. A PARK IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS
Families from Gravity Falls are gathered, setting up tables, LAUGHING and having a great time. Everything about the
festival has an acorn theme, including an ice cream truck that serves ice cream in giant acorn cups.
A banner hangs from the trees reading “Tri-Annual Acorn Syrup Festival.” Below that in small letters it says “A thing to do three times a year.”
Dipper pans over to Grunkle Stan, who struggles with an ANCIENT MACHINE that is tied to the roof of his car.
He finally pulls it off and it lands with a CRUNCH onto a picnic table.
STAN
Check it out. My first acorn
syruping machine. It crunches and bottles all in one device. It was my Grunkle’s and his Grunkle’s before him.
PACIFICA (O.S.)
Well well, if it isn’t the Pines family, ready to be stomped yet again.
PACIFICA enters.
STAN
Do my ears deceive me or is that the sound of a dog toy getting stepped on?
(looks to Pacifica)
Oh, it’s you. I stand by my ears. Dipper ZOOMS IN on Mabel’s glare.
MABEL
I hope your pillow is ready
Pacifica, because you’ll be crying into it all night after you lose!
PACIFICA
Please, my family has been making the best syrup for years. See?
Pacifica shows off her family’s picnic table, full of
trophies and an extremely high tech machine that’s so bright, everyone has to shield their eyes from the glare.
Mabel looks at the logo of the machine. MABEL
The iSyrup? By Peach? Whoever heard of a fruit company making high tech machines?
PACIFICA
Apparently the same people who have never won a blue ribbon for their acorn syrup. Later losers!
MABEL
Things are going to be different this time! Stan’s never had US before and this trusty old machine will pull through!
Mabel PATS the machine. The machine COUGHS and SPITS out a spring that SMACKS right into the camera, knocking Dipper onto the ground with an “OUCH!”
The camera adjusts IN and OUT of focus, looking at the sky. DIPPER
....Ohhhh... Stan’s head pops in.
STAN
Did anyone see where that spring went? Pretty sure I need that one.
EXT. MAIN STAGE - LATER
The camera flips on and focuses on a MAN standing at a podium. The camera has trouble focusing.
DIPPER
What is wrong with this thing? It was working earlier.
MABEL
Look! It’s the Mayor! DIPPER
We have a mayor?
People CHEER. Dipper whips the camera to the stage, focusing on a MAN, riding in on a buffalo. This is MAYOR HIRSCH
(50’s, his beard is majestic, his suit, flannel). MAYOR HIRSCH
Citizens of Gravity Falls, welcome to the Tri-Annual Acorn Syrup
Festival!! More CHEERS and WOO HOOS!
Dipper PANS the camera around the crowd seeing the teams of competitors including Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland, Old man McGucket and his son, The Northwest Family (Pacifica sticks her tongue out at the camera) and the Corduroy family. Wendy waves at the camera, causing Dipper to HYPERVENTILATE.
Mabel gets in the frame. MABEL
Dipper! Get your head in the game! MAYOR HIRSCH
Now before we get too excited, let’s go over the rules of the contest. Every family gets one hour to make the tastiest of acorn syrups possible. My brain is
excited and my taste buds are ready to judge...
As Mayor Hirsch continues, Dipper notices TOBY DETERMINED, eating ice cream from an acorn cone. He sneaks over.
DIPPER (whispering) PSST! TOBY!
TOBY
Graah! Oh, it’s you. You scared the Dipper out of me!
DIPPER
How is that suddenly a thing now? Look, I need to know how and where you took that photo of the
Sasquatch that you put in the newspaper.
TOBY
Me? I didn’t take it. DIPPER
Then...Who did? TOBY
Every photo I’ve gotten of the Sasquatch was submitted by mail. It’s always a popular issue when I get Sasquatch on the cover no
matter how blurry it is. DIPPER
Wow. So you’re saying that whoever gets a clear picture of Sasquatch would become a real popular guy? In theory.
TOBY
Ohhh no! My acorn ice cream. At least I’ve still got the cone. He bites down on it and CRUNCH go his teeth.
TOBY (CONT’D)
Owww! It’s a real acorn? How do they get so big?
Stan grabs Dipper and pulls him away. DIPPER
Whoooa, hey! What are you --STAN
Kid, I’m getting the feeling you’re not focusing in on family fun time. What were you two talking about?
DIPPER Uh, nothing?
The camera focuses on Dipper and Stan looking down at the flip screen.
STAN
Really? Let me just rewind this thing and see
--STATIC CUT TO:
A YOUNG DIPPER DANCES THE LAMBY DANCE FOR THE CAMERA. CUT BACK TO:
GRUNKLESTAN
Rolling on the ground and LAUGHING. STAN
The lamby dance? Kid, that’s rich. Your parents must hate you!
Dipper frowns into the camera. STATIC
--EXT. SYRUPING STARTING LINE - MOMENTS LATER
-- Video resumes on the mayor SQUIRTING a starting line of syrup in the grass. Mabel fixes a basket onto Waddles and paints his face with camouflage.
Mabel turns around, revealing her face is covered in pink and yellow camo as well as a WWII army helmet.
MABEL (to camera)
Ready for your close-up Mr. Pines? DIPPER
Nah, I’m good. Mabel gets aggressive.
MABEL
You need it! We need to win! Win, win, win!
DIPPER Mabel, I don’t
--Stan approaches with a helmet camera. STAN
Here, strap this on the pig.
There’s no way I don’t want footage to rub in the faces of the losers.
Mabel straps on the helmet and Stan gets to their table. DIPPER
(to the camera)
Okay, here we go. We’re going pretty deep in the woods, so I shouldn’t have a problem finding Sasquatch. I’m hoping
--MABEL
Dipper! No Sasquatch! Get your pig in the game! PIIIIGGGG!!!
Mabel smashes Waddles’ face into the camera. STATIC --JUMP CUT TO:
SECONDS LATER
Mabel looks angry at the camera. DIPPER
--usually just joking around. Why are you acting so serious today?
MABEL Why? Look at her!
Dipper pans to Pacifica Northwest. Behind her, we see her Dad shaking hands with a dark figure in a trench coat.
Pacifica points to Mabel and swings around an LED message stick.
(NOTE: This is a device with a bunch of lights that when you swing it around, a message is illuminated. They sell them at Disneyland. Future marketing built into a script? Oh yes.) The message reads “You’re going down Mabel. Disrespectfully yours, The Northwest Family. P.S. Your pig stinks.”
MAYOR HIRSCH
See? She’s been torturing me all summer! She’s gotta know defeat.
Mayor Hirsch stands next to a giant clock and pulls out an acorn looking gun.
MAYOR HIRSCH (CONT’D) (to himself)
These guns look more and more ridiculous for S & P every
--(noticing the camera)
Uhh, gatherer’s take your mark! Get set! Go nuts!
(the gun doesn’t fire) Seriously?
He looks at the gun. The acorn POPS out and BOPS him in the face. He passes out onto the clock, starting the timer.
Everyone runs into the woods! Mabel gets on top of Waddles as Dipper chases after them.
MABEL
Wahoo! Ride em pig! To the Great White Oak, Waddles!
DIPPER
Mabel! I can’t keep up! MABEL
Grab onto the tail! The tail!
Dipper lunges and grabs onto Waddles’ tail. The camera bounces around like crazy as Dipper gets dragged.
DIPPER
Arrrghhh! I cann’tttt hoollldddd oonnn!!!
Dipper let’s go and is sent tumbling down a hill! Looking straight ahead, Dipper sees the edge.
DIPPER (CONT’D)
Is that a cliff? IS THAT A CLIFF?
Dipper YELLS as he goes flying over the cliff, but SUDDENLY STOPS! The camera, focusing on Dipper looking down into the deep valley below.
DIPPER (CONT’D)
Phew. Good thing this camera strap is strong enough to hold a 12 year old boy.
RIIIIIPPPPP. The camera pans around to reveal the strap is caught on a root jetting out of the cliff. Dipper ZOOMS IN on the strap seeing a warning: “Strong enough to hold an 11 year old boy.”
The strap slowly tears....and then finally SNAPS! DIPPER (CONT’D)
Ahhh! I was off by one yeeearrrr!
As Dipper and the camera plunge to the earth, a giant FISHING NET shoots out from the cliff, revealing a HAIRY ARM. As Dipper and the camera land in the net
--STATIC!
ACT TWO
STATIC...THEN,
EXT. WOODS - SAME TIME
In the corner of the screen reads “PIG CAM!” Waddles turns around to see Dipper letting go of his tail and tumbling towards the cliff.
MABEL (O.S.) Eyes on road Waddles! The camera looks up at Mabel.
MABEL (CONT’D)
He’ll come back. Dipper’s just being a big grump. Look at that! Waddles looks straight ahead revealing
--THE GREAT WHITE OAK! The biggest tree in all of Gravity Falls. It’s a magnificent sight and the acorns surrounding its roots are the size of softballs.
Mabel hops off of Waddles and looks up in awe at the tree. MABEL (CONT’D)
Whoa. What a beautiful tree! This is where I’ll build my
dreamtreehousefortnailsalon
someday...but for now, BRAIN BUSTER ATTACK!!
Mabel (wearing her helmet so she isn’t injured) grabs as much of the trunk as she can and SLAMS her head repeatedly into the tree.
A RUMBLING shakes the PIG CAM. Waddles looks up as acorns rain down!
MABEL (CONT’D)
Run back and forth Waddles! Catch those acorns! This is the perfect smartphone game if ever there was one!
Waddles runs back and forth catching acorns. Looking up, one comes RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA STATIC
DARKNESS
DIPPER (V.O.)
Ohhh...What...? I can’t see
anything. I think I have a night vision mode on here...
SNAP!
INT. SASQUATCH’S CAVE - SAME TIME
Dipper looks into the lens, not seeing a BLURRY SASQUATCH behind him! He spins around and YELPS, dropping the camera. Sasquatch also YELPS!
On the ground, the camera zips from FOCUSED to UNFOCUSED. (NOTE: Most of the time, the camera focuses on Sasquatch, it is blurry and unfocused. A convenient malfunction covering what Sasquatch’s face actually looks like.)
SASQUATCH
Whoa, whoa, hey let’s stop
screaming! Let me get the light.
The lights turn on in the room as Dipper picks up the camera and shuts off night vision. Dipper points the camera at a BLURRY, FUZZY CREATURE. It’s SASQUATCH.
DIPPER You can...you can
--SASQUATCH
Talk? Really? Are there any more questions that are more cliche than starting off with that one? How about a simple ‘hello’ or ‘boy it’s hot in this cave.’ Speaking of which.
Sasquatch flips on the AC. It WHIRLS to life and after a second, shuts off.
SASQUATCH (CONT’D)
Huh. Is it the acorn fest already? DIPPER
Yeah. How’d you know? SASQUATCH
DIPPER Henry the Sasquatch?
SASQUATCH
My parents had a sense of humor I guess. Anyway, kid, what are you doing out here?
DIPPER I’m looking for you!
SASQUATCH
Well, you found me. Now what? BEAT.
DIPPER
Well, now I take a picture of you and show a girl and...yeah.
SASQUATCH
Good luck with that kid. Cameras tend to never work around me. Trust me, I’ve been trying. Henry leads Dipper into
--A F--AMILY ROOM
-- That is neat and clean. Wouldn’t expect this from a mythical beast. Henry hands Dipper a stack of photos.
SASQUATCH Here, take a look.
As Dipper looks through the photos, the images are CLEAR, but are just shots of a hairy arm, a leg, a blurry self shot, the lips of a duckface, etc.
DIPPER
Hmmm. Strange. Maybe you haven’t been using the right camera?
SASQUATCH
I don’t know about that kid. Every other shot I take turns out better.
PANNING across the room, Dipper is met with GORGEOUS photos of Gravity Falls:
-The sun setting on the Mystery Shack.
-The Northwest family arguing with the Sheriff over a parking ticket.
-Edward the merman leaping over Mabel’s outstretched hand. Each photo has an artsy/paparazzi feel to them. Not your typical instagram or facebook photo.
DIPPER These are amazing!
SASQUATCH
Heh. Thanks. I’ve loved
photography ever since I was a little quatch. Only thing I’ve never been able to capture? Me.
Dipper sets the camera down and steps into frame. DIPPER
Wow that’s...depressing. If you want to be seen so bad, why not just walk around in public?
SASQUATCH
You don’t think I’ve tried that? That was the worst Summerween ever. Ehh, I don’t want to bore you with my stuff. I’m sure you don’t know what it’s like to not feel noticed.
Dipper looks to a portrait of Wendy and Robbie holding hands in the park. Dipper is in the background, staring sadly.
DIPPER
More than you might think. Don’t worry Henry. I’ll show the world who you are!
SASQUATCH
You mean it? How would you do that?
DIPPER
Oh I’d find a way. Trust me. SASQUATCH
Heh, you’re alright kid. Here, have a free postcard.
Henry offers Dipper a postcard of Robbie and Wendy. DIPPER
A KNOCKING startles Henry.
DIPPER (CONT’D) You expecting guests?
SASQUATCH
It’s my big bro! You gotta hide!
Henry hustles Dipper under a couch. The camera now
completely in focus shows Henry’s hairy feet running to the door.
SASQUATCH (CONT’D) Oh man, I’m up Dipper’s creek without a paddle!
DIPPER REALLY?!
STATIC
--EXT. SYRUPING STARTING LINE - SAME TIME
PIG CAM! Mabel LAUGHS as the two ride towards Grunkle Stan. MABEL
I can almost taste the tears of the Northwest family.
(impersonating Pacifica)
Look at me! I’m Pacifica and the tears of my failures have made the syrup taste salty! WAAAHHH!
The two arrive at Grunkle Stan and his crazy syrup machine. MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.)
(over loudspeaker) Thirty more minutes to go!
STAN
Nicely done Mabel. We just need another basket full and you’re going to get such a half dollar store set of stickers.
MABEL
Half dollar store! Half dollar store!
STAN
Alright, let’s get this thing warmed up.
The two load up the giant acorns into the machine. Stan flips a switch. Nothing happens.
MABEL
Wow! It’s quiet too! STAN
That’s weird.
Stan SMACKS the machine. It CHOKES and shuts off. Stan rhythmically SLAPS it.
MABEL
What are you, some kind of drummer? I’ve got the beat.
Mabel hits the machine like a tom.
It’s here we notice that they’re starting to get farther and farther away from the camera...
STAN
Maybe it’s jammed? Maybe the acorns are too big!
Waddles OINKS and turns around to see PACIFICA dragging him. PACIFICA
You’re coming with me pig.
Waddles OINKS in terror to Mabel who is just a speck in the camera.
MABEL (O.S.)
I’ll be there in a second Waddles!
Waddles looks back at Pacifica, who puts a bag over his head. STATIC
--INT. SASQUATCH’S CAVE - FRONT ROOM - SAME TIME
From under the couch, Dipper points the camera on himself. DIPPER
(whispers)
Okay so, I have now seen a
Sasquatch. His brother is about to come inside. I...am so...EXCITED. Wendy, if you’re watching this...I think I’m in love with you.
I often daydream of what our future will look like and I hope you feel the same way...Phew, that felt good to say out loud. Note to future Dipper, edit that part
out...and....go...Okay so, I have now seen a Sasqatch
--BIG BRO SASQUATCH Yo! Little bro!
Dipper points the camera at the hairy feet, joined by another set of hairier feet.
SASQUATCH
Hey big brother. Did you see me in the newspaper today?
BIG BRO SASQUATCH
What? That wasn’t you! It was too blurry for anyone to know. You ready for the acorn festival?
SASQUATCH
Listen, I don’t think we should go. The humans aren’t so bad ya know? Do we have to ruin that old guy’s day again?
BIG BRO SASQUATCH
What kind of question is that? Of course we do! It’s what we get paid for.
SASQUATCH
Bro, listen, I’ve been thinking --BIG BRO SASQUATCH
Whoa, thinking? Don’t think! Look, you and I are going to have family fun time, okay? And the way we have fun is paying for the AC. Don’t make me wait and put this thing on.
Big Bro Sasquatch leaves. Dipper comes out from under the couch. Henry holds a trench coat.
DIPPER
What did he mean by destroy that old guy’s machine?
SASQUATCH Uhhh...
STATIC
--BLACK - PIG CAM
A panicked OINKING and heavy SNORTING. Somehow the camera spins around to see Waddles OINKING in fear.
WADDLES (subtitled)
Oinkay, I’ve been pignapped. I don’t know where I’m going. I am so...scared. Mabel! Boy Mabel! Old man! Fat other guy!
PACIFICA (O.S.) QUIET YOU!
Waddles tumbles into the backseat of --THE NORTHWEST’S CAR
PACIFICA (CONT’D)
Alright little piggy, you’ll just have to wait here until this
festival is over. Waddles OINKS.
PACIFICA (CONT’D)
Why you oink? Because we’ve been winning this festival for years and I’m not about to let you Pines win.
She shuts the door to the family car. Then, she reopens it, rolls the window down part way and shuts the door again. CLICK goes the lock.
Waddles goes to the window watching Pacifica LAUGH as she leaves. Mabel and Grunkle Stan enter, calling out to Waddles.
STAN
Pig! Pig! Where are you pig!? MABEL
He’s gotta be close. I can smell him!
STAN
What does he smell like, pork chops and mud?
MABEL
No! He smells like undying love and affection. Here Waddles!
Waddles OINKS, but they can’t hear him as they disappear over a hill. Waddles sadly sits down and OINK SIGHS.
STATIC
--INT. SASQUATCH’S CAVE - FRONT ROOM - SAME TIME
Dipper sets the camera down. He approaches Henry’s hairy body, but still no face is seen.
DIPPER
-- sounded a lot like sabotage! SASQUATCH
Uhh, no? Maybe. Ugh. Look kid, this place doesn’t pay for itself. Do you have any idea how much air conditioning costs? It’s hot here!
DIPPER
I thought you were just some
misunderstood creature, but you’re actually just a...monster!
SASQUATCH
I don’t get a choice here, okay? DIPPER
What? You always have a choice! There are tons of ways to make money rather than sabotage an old man’s hopes and dreams...even if those dreams are really greedy.
SASQUATCH
Look, he’s my brother and we’re family. What kind of family member would I be if I just left him
alone?
DIPPER
....Umm...not a great...family member? Look, if you’re going to do this, I gotta go warn them. Dipper goes to the door. Henry stops him.
SASQUATCH
Sorry kid. I can’t have you sabotaging us sabatoures...sabatagers? Sabatageragerings? DIPPER Saboteurs. SASQUATCH
Right. Sorry about this.
Sasquatch grabs Dipper, who manages to grab the camera strap and gets thrown into
--THE DARK ROOM
-- Where the door is SLAMMED shut and locked. Dipper pounds on the door.
DIPPER
Hey! Let me out! LET ME OUT! STATIC
ACT THREE
INT. NORTHWEST CAR - SAME TIME
Waddles SLAMS his helmet cam into the car door.
WHAM - STATIC - WHAM - STATIC - WHAM! Waddles GRUNTS, tired. He falls on the seat cushion.
MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) Fifteen minutes! Get your syrups ready!!
CH-CHUCK. CH-CHUCK. The front doors of the car open. Waddles looks down the middle to see
---- THE SASQUATCH BROTHERS wearing trench coats. The image is clear, but their faces shaded by their hats.
BIG BRO SASQUATCH
Hey, why are you looking so down? SASQUATCH
I dunno. I was hoping maybe we don’t have to do this? I mean, I think my photos are good enough to make an honest living. Don’t ya think?
BIG BRO SASQUATCH
Haha, what? Bro, how are we going to sell your photos from the cave and get paid? Use your head.
SASQUATCH I guess you’re right...
BIG BRO SASQUATCH
Look, once this job is done, we can jet and take these ridiculous get ups off. Got it?
SASQUATCH
Hey...do you smell, undying love and affection?
They turn as Waddles LEAPS INTO ACTION! On their SCREAMS --STATIC!
INT. SASQUATCH’S CAVE - DARK ROOM - SAME TIME Dipper puts the night vision back on the camera.
DIPPER
Well, here I am again. Currently trapped in a dark room while
Sasquatches destroy Grunkle Stan’s machine. And I still don’t have any good footage of the brothers!
He sadly takes off his hat and looks right into the lens. DIPPER (CONT’D)
I really let everyone down today. Especially Mabel and Stan. They just wanted family fun time and I...was pretty selfish. Man, how am I going to get out of here?
Dipper rubs his hand into his hair...and stops. Something’s different. He pulls his hand back to reveal...
...A HAIRPIN!
DIPPER (CONT’D)
Mabel! You crazy girl! You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for.
Dipper takes the pin and uses it on the lock. DIPPER (CONT’D)
Okay let’s see here...Just a couple more...clicks...
CLICK CLICK! The door swings open. DIPPER (CONT’D) Alright! I’m coming guys!! He dashes around the corner.
Beat...Beat....
He runs back into the closet and grab the camera. DIPPER (CONT’D)
Yeah. Definitely still need this. He runs out of the dark room to
INT. NORTHWEST CAR - SAME TIME
Waddles fights the two Sasquatch brothers by kicking hooves into faces.
BIG BRO SASQUATCH
Hey! What the heck is that thing! SASQUATCH
Gahhh!
Waddles takes control of the wheel and drives the car through the picnic tables, SMASHING machines from various people.
BIG BRO SASQUATCH Get off of me you crazy thing! Waddles BITES down on the hairy arm.
Waddles looks dead ahead to see the Northwest family making syrups with their machines.
Pacifica looks to the driver. PACIFICA ...Shoot.
Waddles whips the car towards them, pushes the window button down and
--JUMPS out the window.
Waddles watches as the car SMASHES through the iSyrup machine. An explosion of syrup covers the family. The Sasquatch brothers jump out of the car.
Pacifica STOMPS up to the brothers. PACIFICA (CONT’D)
You idiots! You were supposed to destroy the Pines machine, not ours!
BIG BRO SASQUATCH (to Sasquatch)
We better get outta here.
Pacifica chases after Big Bro Sasquatch, as Henry runs off in another direction.
MABEL Waddles!
Waddles looks to Mabel and Stan. MABEL (CONT’D)
There you are my little truffle snuffle!
STAN
Great, we got the pig. Now to finish
--MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) Five minute warning! Perfectly plot pointed five minute warning!
MABEL
What?! That’s not enough time! STAN
And my machine’s broken. Guess this isn’t my time of the year.
DIPPER (O.S.) Wait!!
Mabel, Waddles and Stan turn to see --DIPPER
-- running at them carrying an arm full of huge acorns and the camera around his neck.
MABEL Dipper!
DIPPER
Sorry I got so sidetracked guys. Ready to win this thing?
STAN
It’s too late for us kid. Stan shows Dipper the broken machine.
STAN (CONT’D)
Without the grinder working, the acorns won’t get crushed so...no syrup.
DIPPER
There’s gotta be some way. Dipper looks right at Waddles.
DIPPER (CONT’D) I think I’ve got an idea. STATIC!
Dipper and Waddles stand on top of the machine. Mabel looks into the camera and wipes the screen, stopping the broken focusing problem.
MABEL
That must’ve been annoying. DIPPER
Okay Waddles. Just do what Mabel said early. Smash and mash!
Waddles OINKS in agreement and proceeds to SMASH the acorns, like grapes in a wine maker.
As the machine SHAKES, Stan sticks a squirrel shaped bottle near the spout.
MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) Ten...nine...eight...
STAN Come on kid!
MABEL You can do it!!
MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) Seven...six...five...
Stan turns the spout. Nothing. Dipper and Waddles STOMP FASTER!
STAN
Come on...come on...
MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) Four...three...two...one!
The tiniest DROP of syrup comes out of the spout and SLAPS the bottom of the bottle.
MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) (CONT’D) Time! Shut your machines off and present your bottles to the judging table!
STAN
Huh. Well, at least it’s something.
STATIC!
EXT. MAIN STAGE - LATER
Mabel passes the camera to Dipper who PANS across the various jars of syrup. Mayor Hirsch puts in a teeny tiny spoon to each jar and samples the syrups before moving on.
Dipper looks to Mabel who cleans up Waddles’ syrupy hooves. STAN
Gotta hand it to you kid, you really came through in the end. Kind of thought you weren’t coming back.
DIPPER
Yeah well, I couldn’t miss family fun time. I don’t know what could be more important.
Mabel smiles at this, Waddles nods. MAYOR HIRSCH (O.S.) My goodness! What is this?
Dipper whips the camera to the stage. Mayor Hirsch squeezes the tiniest droplet of syrup from the squirrel bottle.
MAYOR HIRSCH (CONT’D) This may be the best syrup I’ve ever had! Who made this?
MABEL We did! We did!
MAYOR HIRSCH
It’s as if the smallest amount of this syrup transformed the very fabric of my imagination. One drop truly was enough.
STAN
Really? I mean, yes, really. MAYOR HIRSCH
I think we’ve found the blue ribbon winner!
People CHEER as Stan hops up on stage. STAN
Yes! Finally! In your face!! People run to the stage with fists of cash.
TOURIST 1
Where can I buy just a drop? TOURIST 2
I’ll pay any price for a taste!
While this goes on, Dipper looks back at the woods, and sees Henry watching from behind a tree. Dipper goes to him.
SASQUATCH Hey kid.
DIPPER Hey Henry.
SASQUATCH
Listen, I’m sorry about tossing you in the dark room. That wasn’t a good way to treat a guest.
DIPPER I’ll say.
SASQUATCH
Guess you guys won after all.
That’s good. Looks like it’s going to be a hot summer.
DIPPER
Maybe. Or maybe I have another idea.
STATIC!
EXT. MAIN STAGE - MOMENTS LATER
Dipper introduces the trenchcoated Henry to Toby. Toby looks at a scrap book full of awesome photos.
TOBY
These are great! We’ve been
needing another photographer since our last one ran away or was put away. One of those. You want a job?
SASQUATCH
Do I? Aww man. That would be awesome! You’ve got a deal.
Henry and Toby shake hands. Toby looks at the hairy hand. TOBY
You’ve got hair all over your knuckles? Just like me!
Mabel ENTERS.
MABEL
Hey Dipper, ready for a family photo?
DIPPER
I think so. I’m looking forward to editing all this stuff for Mom and Dad...andpossiblyWendywhoknowsdidIs aythat?
TOBY (to Henry)
Ready for your first assignment? STATIC!
EXT. PINES TABLE - MOMENTS LATER
The camera focuses on the family. Dipper steps in front to make sure it’s set.
DIPPER Okay...perfect.
Dipper runs to the family and poses next to the machine. DIPPER (CONT’D)
Hey Henry, why not set the timer and jump in?
SASQUATCH
You think that’s a good idea? DIPPER
Sure!
SASQUATCH Okay...here we go. Henry runs behind Dipper.
MABEL
Everybody say ‘Take that Pacifica!’ FLASH!
INSERT: The photo shows the Pine family, Dipper with his eyes closed, Mabel mouthwide open, Stan looking confused and... HENRY. His face perfectly clear and yet fuzzy as a teddy bear in the photo. Smiling.
TAG
INT. THE MYSTERY HACK - NEXT DAY - DREAM SEQUENCE Dipper shows Wendy the Gravity Falls Gossiper.
DIPPER
See? That’s Henry the Sasquatch right on the cover.
WENDY
Wow Dipper. That was amazing. You sure are one popular guy.
ROBBIE enters.
ROBBIE
Hey Wendy, you want to go the arcade?
WENDY
Heck no! I’m done with you Robbie. I’m Dipper’s girl now.
Wendy plants a kiss on Dipper’s cheek. Dipper melts. SOOS (V.O.)
Dipper? Yo, Dipper!
END DREAM SEQ.
INT. THE MYSTERY HACK - NEXT DAY Dipper snaps out of his daydream.
SOOS
You wanted to show us something? Dipper shows Wendy and Soos the Gossiper.
WENDY
Dude! Look at your face! DIPPER
What? Not me, Sasquatch! SOOS
Ha! Mabel’s catching flies with a mouth that big.
WENDY
And look at Stan! You guys are ridiculous.
Dipper SIGHS, but before we FADE OUT
20-8-1-14-11-19 6-15-18 18-5-1-4-9-14-7! END OF EPISODE
