— PRTC SCRIPT —
I LOVE YOU BECAUSE
Music by JOSHUA SALZMAN
Book and Lyrics by RYAN CUNNINGHAM
Theatri©al Rights Worldwide
1359 Broadway, Suite 914, New York, NY 10018
THE PLACE New York City
THE TIME Present day
CAST OF CHARACTERS
AUSTIN BENNET (25; tenor to A): greeting card writer. JEFF BENNET (28; baritone to G [optional A]): pedi-cab driver.
MARCY FITZWILLIAMS (24; soprano, strong mix to F, belt to D): photographer. DIANA BINGLEY (27; alto to D): actuary.
BRIGITTE (soprano): Cocktail Waitress, Baristress, Neighbor, Chinese Food Restaurant Manager, NYC Woman
Act I Location Song Page
Scene 1 New York City Another Saturday Night in New York 1
Scene 2 O’Dennehey’s Bar Oh, What a Difference 4
Scene 3 Marcy and Diana’s Apartment The Actuary Song 9
Scene 4 O’Dennehey’s Bar But I Don’t Want to Talk About Her 15
Scene 5 Austin and Jeff’s Apartment Jeff’s Back 23
Scene 6 True Brew Coffee Shop Coffee 27
Scene 7a O’Dennehey’s Bar The Perfect Romance—Part 1 36
Scene 7b True Brew Coffee Shop The Perfect Romance—Part 2 38
Scene 7c Austin and Jeff’s Apartment The Perfect Romance—Part 3 41
Scene 8 Austin and Jeff’s Apartment The Postcard Arrives 46
Scene 9 Great Wall Chinese Restaurant Beef and Some Vegetable 50
Scene 10a Marcy and Diana’s Apartment Because of You 56
Scene 10b New York City We’re Just Friends 59
Scene 10c Marcy and Diana’s Apartment Popcorn and Wine 61
Scene 11 Austin and Jeff’s Apartment Maybe We Just Made Love 66
Scene 12 A Park Just Not Now 70
Act II Location Song Page
Scene 1 O’Dennehey’s Bar Alone 73
Scene 2a Austin and Jeff’s Apartment That’s What’s Gonna Happen 77
Scene 2b Austin and Jeff’s Apartment Even Though 84
Scene 3 New York City But I Do 87
Scene 4 O’Dennehey’s Bar What Do We Do It For 90
Scene 5a Austin and Jeff’s Apartment Marcy’s Yours 98
Scene 5b Austin and Jeff’s Apartment Goodbye 100
ACT I 1 ACT I, SCENE 1 — NEW YORK CITY
ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT IN NEW YORK
(Austin)
(He appears onstage, writing in a pad)
Dear Catherine, Life is like a see-saw. It’s a lot more fun with someone else. (He stops writing) Oh, that’s good. She’ll love that. I am a master of greeting card writing! (Checking the time) And right on time.
Brush my teeth in the shower. Shampoo twice.
Clean and primp for an hour. Old Spice is nice.
Then I’m off to Catherine’s. I knock on her door,
Right on time like I have every Saturday before. She’s my angel in white.
Another Saturday night in New York.
(Ensemble enters behind Austin)
Then we’re off to have dinner, Drink some fine wine.
(Ensemble)
Dooooh, wah, wah, wah, wah, dooooh. (Austin)
Every night I’m the winner. Catherine is mine.
(Ensemble)
Shoobie doobie doo wah, wah, wah, wah, Rah. (Austin)
I’m flying so high,
That I can’t see the ground. They can see me all the way Down the Long Island Sound. Our future is bright.
Another Saturday night in New York. (Ensemble)
This city’s funny.
When you’re in love everything seems perfect. Cabbies honk their horns
Together in a perfect symphony, ee, ee.
(Danny as NYC Man and Brigitte as NYC Woman) You tip your hat to
All the ladies and they smile at you. (NYC Woman)
Every “Up yours” (Jeff)
And “Screw you” (Diana)
And “Watch it, jerk!” (Ensemble)
Are in perfect harmony. (Austin)
Stop right here, buy some flowers, Just like last week.
(NYC Man)
Yankees won last night, And the night before. (Austin)
For the next couple hours, Somewhere that’s chic. (NYC Woman)
Billy Joel says he might go back on tour. (Austin)
All is perfect. What can go wrong? When I die can I
Bring the whole city along? For this Manhattanite
(Ensemble) 3 Catherine’s waiting.
(Jeff)
Let’s go!
(Ensemble)
Ever since you two first started dating, It has seemed like all of New York is Laid out just for you, oo oo.
But then it changes
And all that you know rearranges. But doesn’t it seem like
It’s already almost too good to be true? (Austin)
Another Saturday night in New York! (Ensemble)
Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night. Another Saturday night in New York!
(Austin)
I’ll be with Catherine for the rest of my life. Woah, woah.
I’ll be with Catherine for the rest of my life.
Another Saturday night! Another Saturday night in New York!
(As the music comes back in, Jeff and Diana exit. NYC Man and NYC Woman walk to each side of Catherine’s door. Austin approaches the door and knocks on it. He opens it, light pours out toward the audience. Austin looks horrified)
(Austin)
Catherine?
(NYC Man and NYC Woman) Another Saturday night in New York.
(Jeff)
Hey, is your name Summer? ’Cause you’re hot. (Brigitte as Cocktail Waitress)
Very clever. (Jeff)
I just made it up. (Cocktail Waitress) It’s written on your shirt. (Jeff)
I have a magic shirt where it writes what I’m thinking.
(Bartender enters)
(Danny as Bartender)
Hey, we just got a new shipment in. Can you help me in the back? (Cocktail Waitress)
Yeah. I’ll see you later.
(Bartender and Cocktail Waitress exit)
(Jeff)
Hey. Woah. What happened to you? (Austin)
I walked in on Catherine and another guy. (Jeff)
Man! That is the shittiest thing that could possibly happen. You have to feel like shit. Do you feel like shit?
(Austin) Yeah. (Jeff)
You gotta feel like you’re up shit’s creek without a ladder. (Austin)
(Jeff) 5 Paddle. Hug?
(Austin)
Yeah, I think I’d like that. (Jeff)
Come here. (Austin and Jeff awkwardly hug) (Austin)
Yeah, I didn’t like that. (Jeff)
Let me try again. (Austin)
Easy, Jeff. (Jeff)
Listen, you’re single again now, Austin. You can do all the kind of stuff you wanted to do, but couldn’t because you were with Catherine. You and I can paint the town together. Austin and Jeff, the Bennet brothers, back on the scene.
(Austin)
That might be nice. (Jeff)
For the ladies. Remember back when you were single? Before you met Catherine? (Austin)
Kinda. (Jeff)
I remember this one time. You called me, and you were psyched. You had met this beautiful girl who was funny and thought you were funny and you hit it off, and you were having the time of your life. You can do that kind of stuff again now, Austin. You remember that?
(Austin)
Yeah. That girl was Catherine. (Jeff)
Damn! (Austin)
I have to win her back. (Jeff)
Jeff, we were supposed to get married. Just last week we were talking about moving upstate soon, getting out of the city, starting our lives. I’ve planned my whole life around her, and now she’s gone. I can’t imagine not being with her.
(Jeff)
Imagine it. It’s like this: “Hey, I’m Austin. I’m not dating a heartless skank who cheats on me.” (Austin)
Jeff, please. (Jeff)
Austin, there’s only one way to win a woman back. But I’m warning you. It’s kind of iconic. (Austin)
Ironic? (Jeff) Ironic.
OH, WHAT A DIFFERENCE
(Jeff)
Austin, look at you. You’re a mess.
You want Catherine back, for some reason, I guess. Well here’s how…
(Austin)
How?
(Jeff)
Pretend you couldn’t care less. (Austin)
Have you met me? You think I can just move on that easily?
(Jeff)
You want her back Now don’t you, Bro? (Austin)
Uh, yes.
(Jeff)
There’s just one thing you need to know. (Austin)
(Jeff) 7 Forget her.
Boom! Kaput! She’s gone! Women come back
When you move on. They’re fed up with you.
They list all the things that you lack. So you go out, find someone new. Guess what? Now they want you back. That’s all it takes.
Oh, what a difference A little indifference makes. (Austin)
Jeff, it can’t possibly be that easy. Don’t you think everyone would know about it?
(Jeff)
You see that guy Cry in his beer. A girl walks up Blows in his ear.
Getting excited!
Next thing, she’s Taking off her clothes. His ex has moved on. But trust me, she knows.
She says, “Let’s screw. No strings.” He stammers, “Okay,” through his shock. Suddenly his cell phone rings.
It’s her, and she just wants to talk. That’s all it takes.
Oh, what a difference A little indifference makes. So come on Austin,
Let’s hit the town. Go somewhere loud. We’ll both get plowed.
Hey! It’s Jeff! I won’t let you down. Oh, come on Austin.
She’s a memory, just let it fade. We’ll get each other’s backs. Let loose! Relax!
Who knows? You might even get laid. (Austin)
Come on, Austin. If you go out, have fun, somewhere Catherine will sense that you’re happy and come running back. They have a sick sense.
(Austin)
Sixth.
(Jeff)
Uh-uh. Sick.
So let’s go out, forget the past. (Austin)
Austin and Jeff, back together at last. (Jeff)
That’s what I’m talking about!
Listen, it’s me, I’ll get us dates. (Austin)
Hey, I know this bar that Catherine hates. (Jeff)
Do what we used to do. But look, Catherine’s back for more. (Austin)
I’ll say, “My God, you’re back. It’s you. Catherine, have you met the door?” (Jeff)
Yeah, that’s what it takes. (Austin and Jeff)
Oh what a difference, (Austin)
What an itty bitty difference, (Jeff)
What a whole life changing difference, (Austin and Jeff)
A little indifference makes. A little indifference makes. A little indifference makes. (Jeff)
It’s good to have you back, Bro.
(Austin and Jeff)
A little indifference makes!
ACT I, SCENE 3 — MARCY AND DIANA’S APARTMENT 9
(Diana and Marcy are in their apartment. Diana searches frantically for her keys)
(Diana)
I’m sorry about this, Marcy. I’m sure I left them around here somewhere, and since you don’t believe in carrying keys, it’s our only pair.
THE ACTUARY SONG—VERSE INTRO
(Marcy)
I did the right thing. Right?
Of course, I did the right thing. Right? I always do the right thing no matter what ’Cause I do what my heart says,
I follow my gut.
I made the right choice, right? (Diana)
If I were my keys, where would I be?
(Marcy)
Right.
But what if I’m wrong?
And what if with Larry’s where I belong? But my gut said, “Marcy,
I know it’s tough,
But it’s time to end this. You’ve had enough.”
I made the right choice. Right? (Diana)
Maybe someone stole my keys.
(Marcy)
At first he was great. Fun. Galore.
I thought,
“He’s what I’m put here for.”
But I always thought that we’d turn into something more.
So fine,
I’m done dating Larry, I know I should rejoice.
But everywhere I’m going I still hear his frickin’ voice Diana, please tell me that I made the right choice. I made the right choice. Right?
END OF SONG
I swear to God they were right…here they are. Found my keys. Were you saying something? (Marcy)
Yeah. I was saying that breaking up with Larry was the right thing to do. Right? (Diana)
Marcy. I’ve been waiting to tell you this. Larry…is a dirt bag. (Marcy)
Diana, I dated him for two years. You couldn’t have said something? (Diana)
I did say something. (Marcy)
When? (Diana)
Say, Marcy, do you think it’s weird that Larry doesn’t hold the door for you? (Marcy)
Oh, I kinda… (Diana)
Say Marcy, do you think it’s weird that Larry forgot your birthday? (Marcy)
I definitely remember… (Diana)
Say Marcy, do you think it’s weird that in the two years you’ve been dating, Larry never once said, “I love you?”
(Marcy)
Okay, I get the point! (Diana)
You were in love with him. There was only so much I could do. (Marcy)
But he was an artist. And a free spirit. And a vegan. (Diana)
And a dirt bag. (Marcy)
You know what, Diana? I’ve gotta get back out there. I just wasted two years of my life on a dead-end relationship. My perfect man is out there waiting for me, and God only knows what he’s been doing for the past two years. Come on, Diana, let’s go!
(Diana) 11 Marcy, calm down. You can’t just come out of a two-year relationship and run back out there. Dating isn’t a wild free-for-all. It’s a game of numbers.
(Marcy)
For you. You’re an actuary. (Diana)
No, for everyone sweetie. Everything about dating can be figured out with numbers. Don’t call until three days after a date. No sex until four weeks into a relationship. A woman with more than five sexual partners is a slut. A woman with less than three is a prude. Which brings us to the math involved in your situation.
(Marcy)
What math? I’m not even in a relationship now. (Diana)
But this is still an important time for you, and you need to know how long it’s going to be. (Marcy)
Diana, I really tried with Larry, and here I am again, alone. I’ll do anything. Just tell me what you’re talking about.
(Diana)
Rebound time. (Marcy)
Oh. Like six months? Yeah?
THE ACTUARY SONG
(Diana)
No. It’s as simple as…
Take your relationship length or RL. First year of RL
Is worth six months recovery.
The second year is worth exactly half that. (Marcy giggles) Now don’t you laugh at
This brilliant discovery. Each year is worth
One half the lack of mirth The year before was worth.
Your aches and pains will soon diminish. So rebound time, RT,
Is the fraction of a year It takes for pain to disappear. You go through RT and then finish. Your RT is important,
And it really can’t be shortened, No matter what you do,
What if I…
(Diana)
So you can date around, but then Those guys will just be rebound men. That’s what rebound time is all about. And it’s as simple as that.
(Marcy)
So I give it time. Then find the one.
I’m gonna go out and I’ll get him Once my rebound time is done. I have his picture in my mind. It’s as clear as black and white.
He’ll be everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I’m gonna find mister right.
Yes?
(Diana)
No. We still need to figure out your rebound time. Are you following me so far?
(Marcy)
Yes. No.
(Diana)
Some factors can make A relationship feel long, Like how right the breakup felt Or the way that things went wrong. If you ask me, it’s plain to see,
That there are three things to consider When it’s all to be configurated. Your RL, it can change,
And I know it may sound strange, But what matters is how long That it feels like you dated. Your new RL,
We’ll call it adjusted RL, Or just ARL.
And it’s the ARL that changes with One!
What number boyfriend was he? Was it low or was it high?
Also known as the Number Boyfriend Index, Or the NBI.
This matters, it does. It’s four divided by three
(Diana, cont.) 13 Plus the number boyfriend that he was.
Two!
The who broke up with whom constant, The WBUWWC. You with me?
If he dumped you, you multiply by five fourths. If you dumped him, you multiply by three fourths. And number three!
The bitterness factor.
Rate the bitterness of the breakup On a scale of one to ten.
You take that number, divide by point five, and then You get the BF.
And it’s as simple as that. (Marcy)
So what’s my rebound time?
(Diana)
Well, you actually dated for two years, he was your 27th boyfriend, based on how you are
reacting to the breakup, I’d say the bitterness is about a five. So, plug it in…dit dit dit…Carry the one…and…it’s like you dated for a year.
(Marcy)
You know it felt like that.
(Diana)
Exactly. Putting your rebound time at six months. Officially.
(Marcy)
Isn’t that what I said five minutes ago?
(Diana)
But now it’s proven.
(Marcy)
So I’ll give it time. Begin to heal.
Once I’m done with rebound time It’s time to bring on someone real. We’ll think all the same thoughts And we’ll never ever fight.
He’ll be everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I’m gonna find Mr. Right.
(Diana)
Actually…
(Marcy)
It’s not that simple.
Some of my friends got their perfect man, But just before they got ‘em,
They dated the worst man possible. They hit boyfriend rock bottom. (Marcy)
So in order to find my perfect man
I need to find someone who’s perfectly wrong. I’m in New York, that shouldn’t take too long. (Diana)
You’ve gotta find Mister Wrong while you’re in R. T. Or you’ll repeat this cycle forever
Just like me. (Marcy)
I’ll give it time. But first I have to find Someone who’s flawed, Structured, and boring. He’ll have warts of every kind.
I’ll give it time,
But then leave Mr. Rebound Behind.
Oh! I’ll give it time.
Otherwise I’ll be sure To go back to the cycle
That I’ve cycled through before. I’m sure it won’t be pleasant, But I’ll stand strong.
So to find Mr. Right In the next six months, I’m gonna find Mr. Wrong.
(Diana)
You bet you will. Don’t blow it.
When I was in my rebound time I blew it and I knew it.
I blew it and I knew it. I blew it and I knew it. Super warty!
Warty, warty, warty, warty, Warty, warty, warty! He’ll have a bump, Live in a dump, Be such a chump, That if you hump,
You’ll need a penis pump. You’re gonna give it time. Otherwise you’ll be sure To go back to the cycle
That you’ve cycled through before. But you’ll stand strong.
And I swear I will be there, No matter where,
Because I care. We are a pair, And we will share The wear and tear. In the next six months,
You’re gonna find Mr. Wrong.
ACT I, SCENE 4 — O’DENNEHEY’S BAR 15 (Brigitte as Cocktail Waitress)
Hello and welcome to O’Dennehey’s. Can I start you guys off with a drink? (Austin)
I’ll have a Brooklyn Lager. (Jeff)
Has anyone ever told you that you look like Minnie Driver? (Cocktail Waitress)
You think so?! (Jeff)
Yeah, a little. I’ll have a Jameson, rocks. (Cocktail Waitress)
Okay, Brooklyn lager and a Jameson—rocks. (Exits) (Austin)
So where exactly did you meet this girl? (Jeff)
You know, it’s hard to say where we meet people in this crazy, mixed-up world. (Austin)
Where’d you meet her? (Jeff)
Well, the thing about this cacophonous symphony we call New York City is… (Austin)
Jeff, where? (Jeff) J-Date. (Austin)
So? (Austin)
We’re not Jewish! (Diana and Marcy enter the bar) (Jeff)
Quiet! That’s her. Now, remember, be smooth. Compliment her. (To Diane and Marcy) Mazel Tov! You must be Diana Bingley.
(Diana)
And you, Jeff Bennet. (Jeff)
Yes. And this beautiful young woman must be Marcy Fitz… (Marcy) Fitzwilliams. (Jeff) Fitzwilliams. (Marcy) I am. (Jeff)
Marcy, this is my brother, Austin. (Austin)
(To Marcy) Hello. You have a big belt.
(Jeff)
Ladies, we just ordered drinks, so we’ll go tell the waitress what you want. (Diana)
Cranberry and vodka with a splash of triple sec. (Jeff)
A splash? (Diana)
One-ninth of a shot. (Marcy)
Whatever the waitress recommends. (Jeff)
(Marcy) 17 I have a big belt.
(Diana)
Give him a chance. (Marcy)
Where did you meet these guys? (Diana)
Well…J-Date. (Marcy)
You’re not Jewish! (Diana)
I’m not gonna marry him. I’m just looking for a little meshugenneh in the gefilte fish. (Marcy)
You’ve lost it. (Diana)
Marcy, I blew my rebound time. I am now in my “wild abandon” phase. In order to do this right, I need to throw caution to the wind. The more certain I am I won’t end up with a guy, the better. And I’m certain I won’t end up with someone looking for a nice Jewish girl.
(Marcy)
Diana Bingley’s throwing caution to the wind? (Diana)
Marcy Fitzwilliams is following rules? (Marcy)
Fair enough. (Austin and Jeff return from the bar) (Jeff)
She’ll be right over. (Diana)
So Jeff, what do you do? (Jeff)
I peddle a pedi-cab. (Diana)
Nah, it’s a piece of shit. (Diana)
Piece of—cake? (Jeff)
Piece of cake. (Cocktail Waitress comes up behind Jeff with the drinks) Diana, has anyone ever told you that you look like Minnie Driver? (Diana)
Really? (Jeff) A little.
(Cocktail Waitress)
Maybe later, we could have a Minnie Driver look-alike contest. (Sets down the drinks and exits) (Jeff)
Yeah, maybe. Ladies…L’Chaim! (All toast and drink) (Marcy)
And what do you do, Austin? (Austin)
I’m a greeting card writer. (Marcy)
Anything I would have heard of? (Austin)
Anyone in your family die recently? (Jeff)
Diana! What do you do? (Diana)
(Jeff) 19 An actuary, huh?
(Diana) Yeah. (Jeff)
So how do you like studying birds? (A confused pause from everyone else) I bet you didn’t think I knew what an actuary was, didja? (Awkward pause)
(To Diana) Hey, wanna watch me get high score on Ms. Pac Man?
(Diana) Ummm. (Jeff)
Come on, it’ll be awesome. (Diana)
Sure. (Jeff)
Awesome! (Diana and Jeff exit) (Marcy)
So…Austin…how’d you get into greeting card writing? (Austin)
Well, Marcy… May I call you Marcy? (Marcy)
That’s my name. (Austin)
That it is. Greeting card writing is just an outgrowth of my passion. (Marcy)
And what’s that?
BUT I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HER
(Austin) I write poetry. Romance usually. I’m very romantic But…but wait!
I’m tough, too,
A romantic tough guy, Sorta like Rock Hudson, But straight.
This one time,
I wrote a poem for my ex-girlfriend. She said,
“That’s the best thing I’ve ever read.” And she reads poets.
Oh yeah. Yeats, Cummings, you name it. She has all these guys
Bouncing round her head. (Marcy)
She sounds great.
She has insight that I swear Could win a Pulitzer Prize. There’s a genius in her mind, That truly sparkles through her eyes. She’s so smart
Being near her
Makes your intelligence rise. But I don’t want to talk about her.
So, what do you do?
(Marcy)
I’m a photographer.
(Austin)
Oh yeah? What kind of stuff do you do?
(Marcy)
I try to capture the beauty of the human spirit.
(Austin) Hmm.
Speaking of beauty,
That reminds me of my ex-girlfriend. She was gorgeous,
But she never really knew it. She had this smile,
I swear to God, you were blessed If you had one chance to view it.
(Austin, cont.) 21 She had a look
That could inspire symphonies. Or cause the most stubborn men To have epiphanies.
She’s as enchanting as Hepburn In “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” But I don’t want to talk about her. (Marcy)
So you have an ex-girlfriend.
(Austin)
I don’t want to talk about her.
(Marcy)
Oh right, sorry. There are some things I don’t want to talk about either.
(Austin)
Oh, yeah?
(Marcy)
I don’t want to talk about The fact that I
Can’t seem to meet a single guy Who meets all my desires. (Austin)
That’s fine, we could…
(Marcy)
I don’t want to talk about How many men
Have claimed that they would be the one And it turns out they’re all liars.
(Austin)
Marcy, now that’s not really…
(Marcy)
I don’t want to talk about The day when I
Experimented with my girlfriend And I almost came out.
(Austin)
But there’s always something missing No matter where I search,
But that’s not what I want to talk about. (Austin)
Woo! Man, you are kind of a whiner.
(Marcy)
I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but wasn’t it you who spent the first half of this conversation talking about your ex-girlfriend?
(Austin)
How dare you bring up the topic Of my ex-girlfriend.
Who’s gorgeous and brilliant, by The way.
I’m trying not to think about it, And you throw it in my face. Now I’m all upset and that’s the fifteenth time today.
I’m not the type
Who runs or who hides. I follow my plan. I follow my guides.
You’re wrong. I know we’ll
Be together forever. Besides!
I don’t want to talk about her.
(Marcy)
Yeah but you…What?! Yeah, I heard.
Throw it?
Less than I would’ve guessed. I see.
No matter how misguided they may be.
Obviously. END OF SONG
(Jeff and Diana enter)
(Jeff)
So…you figure out insurance risks…for birds. (Diana)
Yeah…No…There are no birds involved! (Jeff)
Let’s do shots. C’mon Austin. (Austin and Jeff exit) (Diana)
So how is he? (Marcy) Perfect!
ACT I, SCENE 5 — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT 23 (Jeff)
Lady of de night—may I have dis dance. (Diana)
In your apartment? This is only our second date. What kind of a girl do you think I am, Jeff Bennet?
(Jeff)
It’s just a dance. (Diana)
Well…if it’s just a dance. (Jeff)
A love dance! (Diana)
Mr. Bennet, are you trying to seduce me? (Jeff)
I don’t know. I may have to lie down to figure that one out. (Diana)
Mr. Bennet! (Jeff)
Ms. Bingl..aaaaaaah! (His back has given out) (Diana)
What’s wrong? (Jeff)
Likely story, lovah. (Jeff)
No, I think my spine ruptured. (Diana)
You want me to rub it and make it better? (Jeff)
No. I think it’s best if you don’t touch me. (Diana)
Is this serious, or is this something you can take for the team? (Jeff) Whose team? (Diana) Our team. (Jeff) Go team! (Diana) Really? (Jeff)
Okay, wait. You get off the couch. (Diana)
I’ll make this as painless as possible. I promise. (Jeff)
Ow, ow, ow…yay team. Okay, now you join me. (Diana)
(Jeff) 25 Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.
(Diana)
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (Jeff)
There’s just too much give in the couch. If I lay on the floor… Okay, now you climb on top of me. Oh, yeah.
(Diana) Oh, yeah? (Jeff) Oh, yeah. (Diana) Oh, yeah? (Jeff) Ow!
Okay, is there any way we can do this without you touching me? (Diana)
That sort of defeats the purpose. (Jeff)
If I get to the floor…and then you support yourself on the couch, but lower yourself onto me. (Diana)
Oooh, it’s like a Kama Sutra move. (Jeff)
Sure, it’s like a karma too too move.
(Diana lowers herself onto him from couch)
Sorry! (Jeff)
You did it. You fixed me! I’m fine! (Diana)
What? (Jeff)
It must have fallen back into place! So where were we? (Diana)
Come here big boy. (Jeff)
Arghhhh!
ACT I, SCENE 6 — TRUE BREW COFFEE SHOP 27
(Marcy orders a drink from the Barista. She wears a camera around her neck. She speaks to Danny as the Barista. Diana is asleep at the table)
(Marcy) Diana? Diana! (Diana)
Hey. (Marcy)
Are you sleeping? (Diana)
Not anymore. (Marcy)
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up. (Diana)
Then why did you yell out my name? (Marcy)
How’s Jeff? (Diana)
They’re still doing some weird thing to his back. He’ll be fine. (Marcy)
Is Austin over there? (Diana)
Visiting hours don’t start again for another hour, so he’s gonna kill some time over here. He’s just filling out some paper work for Jeff.
(Marcy)
And how are you doing? I mean, aside from being up for twenty-six straight hours? (Diana)
Somewhere between horribly embarrassed and disturbingly humiliated. (Marcy)
That’s “wild abandon” for you. (Barista enters) I ordered you a drink. (Barista)
(To Marcy) Thank you. (Barista)
And the Barista’s special? (Marcy)
Here.
You know what? This is going to be awkward. I should go. (Diana)
Marcy! We’ve been trying to set this up for two weeks now. When you saw him at the fruit stand, what did you do?
(Marcy)
I chickened out. (Diana)
And when we waited for him outside of work so that you could accidentally bump into him, what did you do?
(Marcy)
I chickened out. (Diana)
And when we got up at five in the morning so that you could run past him when he came out to get the paper, what did you do?
(Marcy)
I fell asleep in… (Diana)
You fell asleep in the bushes. (Marcy)
This just feels kinda creepy. I feel like I’m stalking him. (Diana)
Well, you are, and you have been for the past two weeks. But Marcy, you’re actually doing him a favor. You could be his Ms. Wrong and then set him up to meet the woman of his dreams. Just send him on his way in six months. Hey, if you time it right, you could send him right back to his ex-girlfriend, who may willingly take him back.
(Barista)
(Diana) 29 Thank you. Jeff throwing out his back may be the best thing that ever happened to you. Just tell Austin you came here to give me support and this won’t seem forced at all.
(Marcy)
I’m just here to support Diana. I’m just here to support Diana. I’m just here to…Shhh, there he is. (Marcy and Diana retreat to the counter. Austin goes to sit at the table)
(Diana)
I will say this for you, Marcy. You sure can pick ’em. I’m outta here. Remember, find a way to hang on for six months and you’re golden.
(Diana exits. Marcy approaches Austin unnoticed and takes a picture of him)
(Austin)
Don’t do that. Oh…hey. (Marcy)
You had that look of consternation about you. I couldn’t resist. A modern day thinker. (Austin)
Glad I could help. (Marcy)
I’m just here to support Diana! (Austin)
What are you talking about? (Marcy)
Jeff threw out his back trying to have sex with Diana. (Austin)
He told me he tried to lift a forklift off an old lady. (Marcy)
Maybe it was a euphemism. (Austin)
Listen, about the night at the bar, I… (Marcy)
What are you doing? (Austin)
I’m working.
Nice penmanship. (Austin)
Thank you. (Marcy)
“Life is like a seagull.” That’s it? (Austin)
It’s not done. (Marcy) A seagull? (Austin)
Yeah, it’s not done. (Marcy)
How is life like a seagull? (Austin)
Not done. I come up with a metaphor first, and then I figure it out later. (Marcy)
That doesn’t sound very personal. (Austin)
It’s supposed to be universal. It’s a poem. Please? (Marcy)
You can’t come up with the image first and then try and make it make sense. There’s no heart or spontaneity.
(Austin)
Marcy, I’m a professional poet. I think I can write a poem for my girlfriend. (Marcy)
Ex-girlfriend. (Austin) Thank you. (Marcy)
Austin, please let me help you not to make an ass out of yourself. There’s a big difference between a greeting card poem and a poem poem. A greeting card poem is polite and doesn’t take any chances, and a poem poem puts your soul on the line.
(Austin) 31 This is how I always work.
(Marcy)
Byuhhhh…this is how you always live. It’s how you write your poetry. It’s how you deal with your ex-girlfriend. It’s how you… Look, what kind of coffee are you drinking?
(Austin) Black. (Marcy)
Of course. Then there’s no surprises. If someone else adds cream or sugar, you don’t have control.
(Austin)
No, I just don’t like sweet things or milky things in my…
COFFEE
(Marcy)
If I added cream to your coffee. You’d have a panic attack. Just add a little cream. Just a little dab of cream.
(She tries to add cream to his coffee)
(Austin)
No!
(Marcy)
That’s why you take your coffee black. Oooo, look at you and your thermos. (Austin)
What?
(Marcy)
The one over there on the floor. Did you bring it from home? You brought it from home!
You had it when you walked in the door! (Austin)
Big deal.
I know how I like my coffee.
‘Cause I’ve got ways. I get things done. I could sit here and list ‘em,
Cause I’ve got a system. And maybe it’s not crazy fun. But it works for me and my coffee.
It moves me right along. There’s a neat logic to it. It’s just how I do it.
If you think that it’s stupid, you’re wrong.
So if you don’t mind, Marcy, I’m a little busy …
(Marcy)
Freeze.
(Austin)
What?
(Marcy)
Say cheese. (Takes another picture of him)
(Austin)
Agh!
So how do you take your coffee? (Marcy)
Well, that depends on when. (Austin)
What?
(Marcy)
I ask the barista. It’s up to the barista. (Austin)
Don’t ever say barista again.
Doesn’t he find out your favorite? Doesn’t that hurt your device? (Marcy)
No he never does.
You know why he never does? I never go to the same place twice. (Austin)
(Marcy) 33 I never go to the same place twice.
’Cause I know how I like my coffee. And I’ve got ways to keep things new. I am always exploring,
So life’s never boring. Well, not as boring as you. So being crazy with coffee Is a useful skill to hone. You don’t have to deride it, Perhaps if you tried it,
You wouldn’t be drinking alone. (Austin)
You wouldn’t be drinking al… (Marcy pours Austin’s hot coffee on his hand)
Ow! That’s hot!
(Marcy)
And it hurt! You knew everything you could know about that cup of coffee, and still, someone came along, and turned what was well planned out into something that hurt. Sound familiar?
(Austin)
I’m gonna get Catherine back. (Grabs his cell phone and begins to dial)
(Marcy)
She’s going to think you’re insane. Look, the seagull thing…it’s a disaster. And besides, it’s not done!
(Austin)
I’ll improvise something.
(Marcy)
Oh, improv. Well, mark my words, she’s gonna say, “Austin, that’s nice, but you’re kinda freaking me out.”
(Austin)
Hi Catherine. How are you? I’m fine. Listen. I know things are tough, but I wanted to say something.
Life is like a pickle.
It starts off smooth with no imperfections. But as it ages,
Surrounded by other pickles,
It becomes something pregnant women crave. And it craves them.
I love you.
Mmmmhmmmmm. Right. Okay. Talk to you again soon. Take care. Bye.
(Marcy)
What did she say?
(Austin)
“Austin, that’s nice.”
(Marcy)
And…?
(Austin)
And…
(Marcy and Austin)
“You’re kind of freaking me out.”
(Marcy)
I could have told you that.
(Austin)
I know.
(Marcy)
I did tell you that.
(Austin)
I know.
(Marcy)
And I could tell you what to do next…but I have to go.
(Austin)
Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah.
I’m sorry I made fun of your coffee.
You’re right. I’m wrong. You’re smart. I’m dumb. Please be my cupid.
I’m hopeless, I’m stupid. I’m worthless, no, I am scum! (Marcy)
And also you’re covered with coffee. (Austin)
(Marcy) 35 Stop flipping out. It’s all okay.
This isn’t that tragic. I’ll help you. I’m magic. You just need to do what I say. (Austin)
I cannot believe you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
(Marcy)
I’ll call you tomorrow.
(Austin)
I am going to write you a thank you card like you’ve never read.
(Marcy leaves Austin in the Coffee Shop as he begins to compose his thank you card) END OF SONG
(Marcy, Austin, Diana, and Jeff sit at the table)
(Austin)
Here’s to Jeff getting out of the hospital. (They all do shots) (Jeff)
Man, I’m just glad that old lady’s free from that forklift. (Austin)
Jeff, we all know what happened. (Jeff)
Diana! (Diana)
Here, take another painkiller. (Jeff)
Okay! (Austin)
So I have a draft of my new, improved, straight-from-the-heart, personal poem. (Marcy)
All right, let’s hear it. (Austin)
Life is like a… (Marcy) Stop. (Austin)
I didn’t even get to the beautiful metaphor yet. (Marcy)
No heartfelt poem ever began with “Life is like a.” You can’t just write universal, tired clichés. Look—what’s the funniest thing that ever happened to you two?
(Austin)
(Jeff) 37 Oooh! Tell her about the dinner reservation.
(Austin)
No. Okay. One time, we had a seven thirty dinner reservation, but the restaurant had us for seven fifteen. So we thought we were on time, but they thought we were late. Woo!
(Marcy)
Write about that. (Jeff)
Hey! How about, “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Remember when you cheated on me? Blow me.”
(Diana)
Hey, wanna show me how to get high score on Ms. Pac Man? (Jeff)
Awesome! (Diana and Jeff exit) (Austin)
So…life is like a dinner reservation. (Marcy)
You’re better off with the blow me poem.
(Marcy and Austin exit)
THE PERFECT ROMANCE—PART 1
(Danny as Waiter) She gives suggestions He’d rather skip. (Brigitte as Waitress) She left a fifty. (Waiter) He didn’t tip.
His style’s truly tragic. Hers is tragically hip. The perfect romance. (Waiter)
He like things simple, (Waitress)
But she’s complex. (Waiter)
He follows structure, (Waitress)
Which she rejects.
He’s really only with her Cause he wants back his ex. The perfect romance. (Waiter)
They couldn’t be less suited for each other. (Waitress)
I completely agree, But don’t you see,
That’s what makes them perfect For one another.
(Waiter)
She’ll try to teach him All that she knows. (Waitress)
They’re good intentions. (Waiter)
Oh, what are those? They’ll quickly all go bad But sadly that’s how it goes. (Waiter and Waitress) The perfect romance.
END OF SONG
ACT I, SCENE 7b — TRUE BREW COFFEE SHOP
(Austin and Marcy are sitting at the table. Austin has just tasted a coffee to which Marcy added milk. A picture of Austin from the Coffee Shop is hanging nearby)
(Austin) 39 Thank you. So, I have a draft of the new and improved, straight from the heart, personal poem poem, and it does not begin with “Life is like a…” What are you looking at? Is that the picture from the day you threw coffee on me?
(Marcy)
Oh, you noticed? I brought it in here, and the owner said he wanted to hang it up. He admired the look of consternation. He said it was a modern day thinker.
(Austin)
Ohh, your first New York exhibition. (Marcy)
And as I was hanging it up, another photographer saw it and asked me to join his “Young New York Artists Appreciating Other Artists” foundation. Ya know, YNYAAOAF?
(Austin)
Wow, that’s really great, Marcy, I’m proud of you. May I say I’m proud of you? (Marcy)
You may. (Austin)
I’m proud of you. (Marcy)
Thank you. Now let’s hear what you got. (Austin)
Okay, so I took your advice. Just start with her name and then say what I would actually say. (Marcy)
Hit it. (Austin) Catherine. (Marcy)
Right. Right. Right. (Austin)
Howdy. (Marcy)
Right. Right. Right. (Austin)
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! (Austin)
But I didn’t get to the beautiful metaphor yet. (Marcy)
You know what? They’re playing classic romantic films all night over at The Village East
Theater. Let’s go there, and maybe it will give you some ideas of how to say something romantic without being all lame about it.
(Austin)
Great, I’ll call Moviefone and figure out which one we can catch. (Marcy)
Let’s just figure it out when we get there. (Austin)
No, no, no. I’ll call Moviefone. (Marcy)
Let’s just let fate decide. (Austin)
No, no, no. Moviefone. (Marcy) Fate. (Austin) Moviefone. (Marcy) Fate. (Austin) Moviefone. (Marcy) Fate! (Austin)
Okay, fate… Psyche! Moviefone!
(Austin and Marcy start to exit) THE PERFECT ROMANCE: PART 2
(Danny as Barista)
(Brigitte as Baristress) 41 She likes to roam.
(Marcy)
Fate!
(Baristress)
She tries new coffee. (Barista)
His is from home. (Baristress)
He’s never even heard of double skim with no foam. (Barista)
Gasp!
(Barista and Baristress) The perfect romance.
END OF SONG
ACT I, SCENE 7C — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT
(Marcy sits on the couch. Austin paces. Marcy reads the letter Austin has written)
(Marcy) Love, Austin. (Austin) Well? (Marcy) Perfect. (Austin) Really? (Marcy)
Yeah…this actually has something to do with the person you wrote it about. It looks like draft number fourteen was the charm.
(Austin)
A poem poem? (Marcy)
A poem poem. (Austin)
Address an envelope. (Austin)
I already did. (Marcy)
Of course. (Austin slides the poem into the envelope) (Austin)
Now what? (Marcy)
Now wait four months. (Austin)
What? (Marcy)
Well, you broke up two months ago, didn’t you? (Austin)
And three days. (Marcy)
You always wait six months before you send out the “rekindle poem.” (Austin)
That sounds an awful lot like a plan. (Marcy)
No, no! It’s a rule. It’s very different than a plan. (Austin)
Really. (Marcy) Yeah. (Austin)
Listen, I just want to say thank you. Had it not been for you, I would’ve turned to Jeff. And instead of sending Catherine this poem, I would have used one of his good ideas.
(Jeff enters from the other room)
(Jeff)
Hey! Sending Catherine porn was a good idea. I’m running downstairs to let Diana in. You two need anything?
(Austin) 43 No, thanks.
(Jeff grabs the bills—and the envelope with the poem— off the table and runs downstairs)
I just…I want you to know how much I appreciate it. I feel like I should have gotten you flowers or something.
(Marcy)
Oh, no, no, no. That’s not necessary, but daisies are my flower. I’m just glad I could help someone as pathetic and hopeless and helpless as you.
(Austin)
And I’m glad I could actually put up with your absolute nonsense approach to life long enough to get some good information out of you.
(Marcy)
Well, I guess this is it. You know all that you need to know. (Austin)
Yeah, I guess so. (Marcy)
I mean, we can still see each other but… (Austin)
This will give you more time to focus on your YNYAAOAF. (Marcy)
Oh, I dropped out of that club. (Austin)
Why? (Marcy)
I felt it was in violation of my anti-establishment, deconstructionist philosophy toward life. (Austin)
Right.
(A very angry landlord bounds in followed by Jeff and Diana)
(Danny as Landlord)
Mr. Bennet! Mr. Bennet, your rent is three weeks late! Again! You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t believe you that you just dropped it in the mailbox.
(Austin) Jeff!
But I actually did this time. (Diana)
I saw him do it if that helps at all. (Landlord)
It doesn’t. (Jeff)
I swear to you, I took everything off that table and put it in the mailbox across the street. (Austin)
Woah, woah, woah, you did what? (Jeff)
I sent the bills on the table (Austin)
Y-y-you did what?
(Jeff)
I sent the bills on the table. (Austin)
You did what? (Landlord)
He sent the bills on the table! (Marcy)
Jeff, was there a letter addressed to Catherine on the table? (Jeff)
I don’t know, I just…AHH! I just sent some sort of horrible thing to Catherine! (Austin)
You sent the poem! (Marcy)
He sent the poem! (Jeff)
I sent the poem! (Austin)
(Brigitte as Neighbor enters) 45 (Neighbor)
Excuse me, could you please stop screaming? Some people are trying to sleep here! (Austin)
Stop screaming?! You’re sleeping?! Do you know what I just did?! I followed idiot advice and sent a rekindle poem after only two months.
(Neighbor)
You totally should have waited six months. (Austin)
I know!
THE PERFECT ROMANCE: PART 3
(Landlord)
Get him a whiskey. Quick! Double malt. (Neighbor)
His wounds were bleeding. This just adds salt.
(Neighbor and Landlord) If this goes wrong
It’s clear that it’s completely her fault. The perfect romance.
The perfect pair. (Landlord)
One day they’re fed up, (Neighbor)
The next day they care. (Neighbor and Landlord) We know it isn’t easy
‘Cause we both have been there. The perfect romance.
The perfect romance. The perfect romance.
(Austin paces while on his cell phone)
(Austin)
U. S. Postal Service? Hi. This is Austin Bennet calling again. I didn’t know if you found that letter I called about yesterday. I understand you’re busy, but it’s kinda important. You see, I sent a rekindle poem after only two months and…I totally should have waited six months, I know!
(Marcy knocks on the door)
Come in. (Marcy) Hey. (Austin) Hey. (Marcy) Any word? (Austin)
No. No mail yet today. (Marcy)
Well, it’s only been a week, Austin. Give it time. You want to go grab a drink or something? (Austin)
Sure. Let me just go change ties.
(Austin exits. Jeff and Diana enter)
(Jeff)
Marcy! Diana, show her what I got you. (Diana)
No, I really… (Jeff)
Come on. Come on. Come on.
(Diana pulls out an abacus) (Marcy)
(Jeff) 47 An albatross!
(Diana) Abacus. (Jeff)
Abacus! You know, actuary, math, abacus! And check it out. Check out the label on the side. My Little Pony!
(Marcy)
My Little Pony made an abacus? (Jeff)
I know! Can you believe someone was throwing this away? (Marcy)
No. (Jeff)
I’m gonna toss it in my room, and you can teach me how to use it when we get home. (Diana)
Hurry up, my work friends are waiting. (Jeff exits to his room) (Marcy)
You’re taking him to meet your work friends? This is getting serious. (Diana)
It’s not a big deal. Really. (Marcy)
You’re taking him to meet your work friends. and it’s not a big deal really? (Diana)
I’ve taken you to meet my work friends. (Marcy)
You don’t see the difference? (Diana)
No. (Takes mail out of her bag) Heeeey, Marcy, look. (Diana hands Marcy the mail) (Marcy)
Jeff threw it in my bag along with the albatross. Look, it’s from Catherine. (Marcy)
She wrote it on a postcard? (Diana)
Not too subtle, that girl. (Marcy)
Diana, this’ll crush him. Let’s hide it. (Diana)
You can’t hide it. (Marcy)
Let’s add, “P. S. You’re a really nice guy, and I never deserved you.” (Diana)
Marcy, you have to tell him. (Marcy)
How? (Diana)
Take him out. Get him in as good a mood as possible. Hide all the sharp objects, and then break it to him gently.
(Austin enters with a new tie on)
(Austin)
So you want to hit up O’Dennehey’s or what? (Marcy)
You know what? I’m taking you out tonight to dinner and drinks, drinks, drinks. There’s a little Chinese restaurant up the street that you would love.
(Austin)
You can’t afford to take me out for dinner and drinks. (Marcy)
They serve all the free wine you can drink.
(Jeff rushes in from his room)
(Jeff)
(Diana) 49 We have plans.
(Jeff)
Can we go afterwards to the free wine? (Diana)
We’re going to be out late with my friends. (Jeff)
Can we bring your friends over to the free wine? (Diana)
Let’s leave Austin and Marcy alone. Let’s go. (Jeff)
But can we…I…but free wine! (Diana)
We’ll stop by a wine tasting on the way. (Jeff)
Okay, as long as there’s free wine, I’m happy as a lamb. (Diana)
Clam. (Jeff) Clam!
(Marcy and Austin sit at a table in the Great Wall Chinese Restaurant. Two boxes of wine sit on the table)
(Austin)
I love egg rolls. (Marcy)
You want some more wine? (Austin)
No, thanks. (Marcy)
Come on. It’s fresh from the box. (Austin)
I already had a few glasses. I’m fine. (Marcy)
It’s free. It would be impractical not to drink as much as possible. (Austin)
You make a point. Pour me a glass.
(Marcy pours a very generous glass of wine for Austin. He takes a drink)
(Marcy)
Austin, I have something that I need to tell you. (Austin)
This wine’s not too bad.
(Danny as Waiter enters with Austin and Marcy’s meals)
(Marcy)
(Waiter) 51 Szechwan tofu?
(Austin) That’s her.
(Waiter gives the Szechwan tofu to Marcy)
(Waiter)
And beef and vegetable? (Austin)
Right here.
(Waiter gives the beef and vegetable to Austin and exits)
Thank you. (Marcy)
Thank you. Anyway, when Diana and I were in your living room… (Austin)
This isn’t beef and broccoli. This is beef and snow peas. (Marcy)
Is that even a dish? Get a new one. (Austin)
Don’t worry about it. I’ll eat it. (Marcy)
No, Austin, let’s worry about it. See, this is your problem. You let people run over you because you don’t want to seem impolite or take a chance. Here, like this. Excuse me, waiter!
(Waiter enters)
(Austin)
Marcy, there is no need… (Waiter)
Yes? (Marcy)
Sir, my friend here ordered the beef and broccoli, but he received the beef and snow peas. (Waiter)
I see. (Marcy)
That’s not necessary. (Waiter)
Well, ma’am, he already put his fork in it. (Austin)
Yeah, I already put my fork in it. Don’t worry about it. (Marcy)
What? (Waiter)
Restaurant policy. Sorry. (Marcy)
And there’s also a band-aid in it! (Austin and Waiter)
What? (Marcy)
There is a band-aid in this beef and snow peas that he didn’t order! (Waiter)
Ma’am, please calm down. There’s no band-aid. (Marcy)
That’s because he already swallowed it! Tell him you swallowed it. (Austin)
I swallowed a band-aid? (Marcy)
See, he swallowed it. (Waiter)
Ma’am, he was saying it inquisitively. Like, “I swallowed a band-aid? I don’t remember that.” (Marcy)
He has a speech impediment where everything he says sounds like a question. (Waiter)
What? (Austin) I do?
(Marcy) 53 See! Now please, if you would get my friend here the beef and broccoli. Band-aid free if you don’t mind.
(Brigitte as Manager enters)
(Manager)
What is going on over here? (Marcy)
We got the wrong order, and then the waiter made fun of my friend’s speech impediment. It was all very upsetting.
(Manager)
I apologize. Give them what they ordered, and get back to work. What is wrong with you?
(Manager and Waiter exit)
(Marcy) See, like that. (Austin)
Please don’t spit in it. (Marcy)
Relax. Have some more wine.
(Marcy pours Austin another generous glass of wine)
So anyway, this afternoon, while you were changing ties… (Austin)
Do you think they age boxed wine in cardboard casks? (Marcy)
Diana came up, and she had something in her hand… (Austin)
’Cause I’ve carried wet cardboard before, and the bottom just falls right out. It’s true. I’m not lying.
(Marcy)
And she gave it to me, and I know it wasn’t for me but…
(Waiter enters with a new beef and broccoli as well as the check)
(Waiter)
Here’s your beef and broccoli and your check. (Austin)
Sir, I just want to take this time to tell you how much we appreciate you and how happy we are that you were our waiter.
(Waiter) Yeah.
He doesn’t seem like he wants us to stay. (Marcy)
Austin, I have to tell you this. (Austin)
Hey, Marcy, he charged you twice. (Marcy)
This is really important. (Austin)
No, this is really important. He charged you for the beef and broccoli and the beef and snow peas.
(Marcy)
Don’t worry about it. I’m taking you out tonight. I’ll take care of it. (Austin)
No, no, let’s worry about it. Being polite and letting people push me around is one thing. Call me old-fashioned, but I’ve always been taught that you stand up when a woman is getting screwed. Waiter!
(Waiter enters)
(Marcy) Austin, please. (Austin)
Usually, I would just write a very strongly worded letter, but…watch this. (Waiter)
Yes, sir. (Austin)
There is a band-aid in my bill! (Waiter)
Your speech impediment is cured. (Austin)
You think this is funny? (Waiter)
(Austin) 55 What kind of a Chinese restaurant is this? You serve me the wrong thing! I swallow a band-aid! You try to take advantage of my very generous friend here! And you! You aren’t even Chinese! (Waiter)
Sir, I am going to have to ask you to leave. (Austin)
Why don’t you leave? (Waiter)
Because I work here. (Austin)
Isn’t that convenient? Well, I don’t need you, or your delicious egg rolls, or your beef and broccoli slash snow peas, and I certainly don’t need your stupid, cheap ass, rotgut, boxed wine! And I mean all of that. Except the part about the wine.
(Grabbing the wine off the table)
Go! Go! Go!
(Marcy and Austin fall in through the door laughing and giddy) BECAUSE OF YOU
(Austin) That was
Truly, really, wow. I let myself feel feelings I don’t usually allow. It felt exciting. It felt scary.
None of my vocabulary
Can do justice to the way I feel right now.
Did you see the look on that guy’s face when I took the carafe with us?
(Marcy)
That’s not your wine! I’m an angry waiter! Mleh!
(Austin)
I took off and sprinted Straight through town. When you got screwed I didn’t take it sitting down. I did all sorts of things I wouldn’t usually do. And it’s all because of you. Because of you.
Because of you. (Marcy)
You just brought that restaurant To its knees.
Now the whole world
Knows that waiter’s not Chinese. I didn’t have to pay them
For my Szechwan tofu. And it’s all because of you. Because of you.
(Austin) 57 Because of you,
I acted out of line. (Marcy)
Because of you
We just stole some free boxed wine. (Austin)
Because of you I acted bravely (Marcy)
And a little infantile. (Austin and Marcy) Because of you I feel a way
That I have not felt in a while. (Austin)
I can’t believe that I got In a drunken fight. (Marcy)
You stood up for me When it wasn’t polite. Tonight, I had a good time And that’s a little disconcerting. (Austin)
Tonight, just for a moment I forgot that I was hurting. Tonight I felt free.
(Marcy)
You know, I sorta felt that too. (Austin)
And it’s all because. (Marcy)
It’s all because…
END OF SONG
(Marcy) Austin! (Austin)
No. I have something I need to give you.
(Marcy pulls out the postcard and hands it to Austin. Austin is obviously crushed)
Maybe she just needs more time to figure things out.
(Austin reads the postcard again, out loud)
(Austin)
“Austin, I’ve moved on. Perhaps you should, too. Catherine.” What’s she gonna figure out? How to be more devastatingly concise?
(Marcy)
It is a bit harsh. (Austin)
I’ve seen death threats more sensitive than this. How long have you had this? (Marcy)
I wanted to give it to you, but I wanted to give it to you at the right time. (Austin)
Oh, I see. You don’t want to give it to me when it was expected. You wanted to wait until you could really “feel” like you should give it to me.
(Marcy)
Austin, you need to calm down for a second. (Austin)
You’re loving this. (Marcy)
What? (Austin)
Here’s this guy with his whole life planned out, which doesn’t fit into your whole anti-establishment, thing-a-ding theory, and now he’s crushed. You did this on purpose. (Marcy)
Austin, you’re being ridiculous. (Austin)
Am I? I followed your exact advice! I even wrote a…poem poem, and now everything’s ruined. (Marcy)
(Austin) 59 Maybe. Or maybe fate was too busy to intervene ’cause she was picking out a movie for you to see!
(Marcy)
So now it’s my fault. Okay, okay, you can’t move on in your life, and of course it’s my fault. You are so busy chasing a dream of a person that doesn’t even exist that you don’t see what’s going on around you.
(Austin)
What’s around me? You? You’re a flighty, flakey, liberal, artsy, fly by the seat of your pants, tofu loving, floozy.
(Marcy)
Well, that’s better than what’s around me, you tight-assed, stuffed-shirt, pencil-pushing, pussy-whipped, pathetic Republican!
(Austin and Marcy embrace and begin passionately making out. Diana and Jeff enter)
ACT I, SCENE 10B — NEW YORK CITY
WE’RE JUST FRIENDS
(Diana)
We go out in the evening, We catch a movie, dinner, too. We hang out with our buddies, The way two good friends do. We just say good night, And that’s all right, If that’s all right with you. Friendship’s where this ends, ’Cause we’re just friends. (Jeff)
Who also make out.
(Diana)
Friends are like an old shirt, That always makes you smile. (Jeff)
It makes you feel all fuzzy inside, But it gets dirty once in a while. (Diana)
A friend does to you What you do unto them, Like Jesus recommends.
And we want to be good boys and girls, So that’s why we’re just friends… With benefits.
(Diana)
We each do our own thing,
’Cause we’re not dating, and that’s fine. (Jeff)
But every couple of evenings, Our things will intertwine. (Diana)
When you’re friends, I guess, (Jeff)
A little caress (Diana)
Or cunnilingus doesn’t cross the line. (Jeff)
No!
(Diana and Jeff)
Friendship’s where this ends ’Cause we’re just friends. (Jeff)
Who use chocolate syrup on each other in ways we never thought of before.
(Diana)
Sure!
(Jeff)
We’ll be honest when we’re in the bedroom. (Diana)
I’ll tell you if you’re too fast or too slow. (Jeff)
Thank you!
People say this way doesn’t work. (Jeff and Diana)
But I know that’s not so. (Jeff)
(Diana and Jeff) 61 We will keep this our little secret.
Why explain what can’t be explained? We don’t need a defense,
’Cause this all makes perfect sense. In fact, it’d be stranger if we abstained. We won’t let this get weird
(Jeff)
I’ll stand hard. (Diana)
I’ll stay resolved. (Jeff)
I won’t take you for granted. (Diana).
I won’t get emotionally involved. (Diana and Jeff)
I have lots of friendships, but this one transcends All the ones in which I don’t get laid,
And that’s why we’re just friends… With benefits.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm And that’s why we’re just friends…
(Diana)
Who see each other naked! (Diana and Jeff)
La, la, la, la, la, la, la,
And that’s why we’re just friends, Just friends,
Just friends, Just…
(Diana and Jeff kiss)
Friends!
END OF SONG
ACT I, SCENE 10C — MARCY AND DIANA’S APARTMENT
(Diana and Jeff exit. Marcy and Austin enter)
(Austin)
Yeah, we’ll hang out soon. (Austin) Okay. (Marcy) Okay. (Austin)
Look, I had a really good time last night. (Marcy)
Me, too.
(Austin and Marcy share an awkward goodbye kiss)
(Austin)
Okay. Till tomorrow. (Marcy)
Till tomorrow.
(Austin exits)
(Diana)
Did I just see Austin… (Marcy) Yes. (Diana) Did you… (Marcy) Yes. (Diana)
Are you okay? (Marcy) No. (Diana)
What happened? (Marcy)
I don’t know. I got him in a great mood. Broke the news to him. It wasn’t good. We got in a huge fight, and the next thing you know…blchahhh.
(Diana) 63 You puked on him?
(Marcy) No, we did it. (Diana)
The dam has broken. (Marcy)
The worst of it is, Diana, I think I really like him. (Diana) Not good. (Marcy) No? (Diana) No! (Marcy)
But Diana, if only you could have seen him last night. He wasn’t graceful. He wasn’t suave. He wasn’t even making a whole lot of sense. But he stood up for me. And after Larry, I…I don’t know, this is the first time I’ve ever felt like someone wanted to protect me.
(Diana)
Marcy, I’m sure he’s great, but that isn’t the point. You weren’t looking for Mr. Right, you were looking to get over Larry, and you can’t do that by jumping into another relationship two months after you break up with him. Trust me, if you do this now, this whole thing with Austin is going to blow up in your face. If you really like him, you still need to wait four more months.
(Marcy)
Come on, Diana. Here I am chastising him for living his life by a plan, and meanwhile, I’m following all these rules and numbers. Isn’t that just as bad?
(Diana)
Marcy. These rules exist for a reason. They don’t just come out of nowhere. If you want to forget about the rules, which is stupid, go ahead. If you want to ignore the numbers, even though
they’re right, be my stupid, stupid guest. Look deep down and without any rules and regulations to guide you, look into your gut. Are you really ready to date again?
(Marcy)
No. Woah. You’re good. (Diana)
I’m probably making a big deal out of nothing. I’m sure he feels exactly the same way I do. (Diana)
I’m sure.
(Marcy thinks for a moment and then changes the subject)
(Marcy)
So how are things with you and Jeff? (Diana)
No, no, no, don’t you change the subject. This is about you and Austin. (Marcy)
You like him. (Diana)
Yeah, he’s a nice guy, but… (Marcy)
No! You like him with a capital “L…la-la-la-la-la-la-la…” (Diana)
Yeah, like I said, he’s a nice guy, but… (Marcy)
Oooooooh, wild abandon! What happened to finding somebody you wouldn’t want to get involved with?
(Diana)
We’re not involved! (Marcy)
And now you’re falling for someone as simple as Jeff.
(Diana becomes quickly defensive)
(Diana)
Hey, he’s not simple. (Marcy)
I’m sorry.
(Diana) 65 Marcy, he got me a My Little Pony abacus. Out of the trash.
(Marcy) Right. (Diana)
So you slept with someone you shouldn’t have slept with, and I’m falling for someone I shouldn’t fall for.
(Marcy)
I’ll get the popcorn and wine. (Diana)
(Jeff is standing in his boxers Febreezing his pants on the couch)
(Jeff)
I am king of Febreeze Land. No pair of pants is a match for my awesome power! And where have you been?
(Austin)
Just walking around. (Jeff)
Yeah? Where’d you sleep last night? (Austin) Marcy’s. (Jeff) D’you do her? (Austin) Yeah. (Jeff) Awesome! (Austin) You think so? (Jeff)
Hell yes! For the past two months, you’ve been walking around here bitching and moaning about Catherine, and now finally it seems you’ve moved on.
(Austin)
I think I love her. (Jeff)
Who? (Austin) Marcy.
(Jeff) 67 Heh? Can’t you just screw the woman?
(Austin)
Jeff, I feel everything I felt when I was with Catherine! (Jeff)
No. I have been here before, and it’s very dangerous. You are putting five years of Catherine feelings onto Marcy. It’s called relationship displacement, RD, and it’s never good.
(Austin)
You’re the one who introduced me to Marcy as part of some idiotic plan that failed miserably. (Jeff)
I made that up. I thought it would get you to move on. (Austin)
Obviously I have moved on. I love Marcy. (Jeff)
Austin, I am your big brother. I know that you think that Marcy is the answer to everything that went wrong with Catherine, but you barely know her. Maybe she’s great, but maybe she’s just messing with you. There’s no way to know. After what happened with Catherine, I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. I love you.
(Austin)
Put on your pants. (Jeff)
Are you hungry? (Austin)
No, I’m good. (Jeff)
I’ll be in the kitchen. Now, practice saying to yourself you don’t love her.
(Jeff exits to the kitchen)
(Austin)
I don’t love her. I don’t love her. I don’t love her. I don’t love her…
MAYBE WE JUST MADE LOVE
(Austin)
I can’t let my romantic side get the better of me. We’re just friends, who really like one another.
We just happened to end up doing what two really good friends do. Like a crossword,
Or a puzzle, Or each other.
