Well, Marcy… May I call you Marcy?
(Marcy)
That’s my name.
(Austin)
That it is. Greeting card writing is just an outgrowth of my passion.
(Marcy)
And what’s that?
BUT I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HER (Austin)
I write poetry.
Romance usually.
I’m very romantic But…but wait!
I’m tough, too,
A romantic tough guy, Sorta like Rock Hudson, But straight.
This one time,
I wrote a poem for my ex-girlfriend.
She said,
“That’s the best thing I’ve ever read.”
And she reads poets.
Oh yeah. Yeats, Cummings, you name it.
She has all these guys Bouncing round her head.
(Marcy)
She sounds great.
She has insight that I swear Could win a Pulitzer Prize.
There’s a genius in her mind, That truly sparkles through her eyes.
She’s so smart Being near her
Makes your intelligence rise.
But I don’t want to talk about her.
So, what do you do?
(Marcy)
I’m a photographer.
(Austin)
Oh yeah? What kind of stuff do you do?
(Marcy)
I try to capture the beauty of the human spirit.
(Austin) Hmm.
Speaking of beauty,
That reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.
She was gorgeous,
But she never really knew it.
She had this smile,
I swear to God, you were blessed If you had one chance to view it.
(Austin, cont.) 21 She had a look
That could inspire symphonies.
Or cause the most stubborn men To have epiphanies.
She’s as enchanting as Hepburn In “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”
But I don’t want to talk about her.
(Marcy)
So you have an ex-girlfriend.
(Austin)
I don’t want to talk about her.
(Marcy)
Oh right, sorry. There are some things I don’t want to talk about either.
(Austin) Oh, yeah?
(Marcy)
I don’t want to talk about The fact that I
Can’t seem to meet a single guy Who meets all my desires.
(Austin)
That’s fine, we could…
(Marcy)
I don’t want to talk about How many men
Have claimed that they would be the one And it turns out they’re all liars.
(Austin)
Marcy, now that’s not really…
(Marcy)
I don’t want to talk about The day when I
Experimented with my girlfriend And I almost came out.
(Austin)
We can talk about that if you really want to…
But there’s always something missing No matter where I search,
But that’s not what I want to talk about.
(Austin)
Woo! Man, you are kind of a whiner.
(Marcy)
I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but wasn’t it you who spent the first half of this conversation talking about your ex-girlfriend?
(Austin)
How dare you bring up the topic Of my ex-girlfriend.
Who’s gorgeous and brilliant, by The way.
I’m trying not to think about it, And you throw it in my face.
Now I’m all upset and that’s the fifteenth time today.
I’m not the type
Who runs or who hides.
I follow my plan.
I follow my guides.
You’re wrong. I know we’ll Be together forever.
Besides!
I don’t want to talk about her.
(Marcy)
Yeah but you…What?!
Yeah, I heard.
Throw it?
Less than I would’ve guessed.
I see.
No matter how misguided they may be.
Obviously.
END OF SONG (Jeff and Diana enter) (Jeff)
So…you figure out insurance risks…for birds.
(Diana)
Yeah…No…There are no birds involved!
(Jeff)
Let’s do shots. C’mon Austin. (Austin and Jeff exit) (Diana)
So how is he?
(Marcy) Perfect!
ACT I, SCENE 5 — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT 23 (Jeff)
Lady of de night—may I have dis dance.
(Diana)
In your apartment? This is only our second date. What kind of a girl do you think I am, Jeff Bennet?
(Jeff)
It’s just a dance.
(Diana)
Well…if it’s just a dance.
(Jeff)
A love dance!
(Diana)
Mr. Bennet, are you trying to seduce me?
(Jeff)
I don’t know. I may have to lie down to figure that one out.
(Diana) Mr. Bennet!
(Jeff)
Ms. Bingl..aaaaaaah! (His back has given out) (Diana)
What’s wrong?
(Jeff)
My back, my back, my back, my back. I’m going to put you down on the couch.
Likely story, lovah.
(Jeff)
No, I think my spine ruptured.
(Diana)
You want me to rub it and make it better?
(Jeff)
No. I think it’s best if you don’t touch me.
(Diana)
Is this serious, or is this something you can take for the team?
(Jeff)
Whose team?
(Diana) Our team.
(Jeff) Go team!
(Diana) Really?
(Jeff)
Okay, wait. You get off the couch.
(Diana)
I’ll make this as painless as possible. I promise.
(Jeff)
Ow, ow, ow…yay team. Okay, now you join me.
(Diana) All right.
(Jeff) 25 Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.
(Diana)
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
(Jeff)
There’s just too much give in the couch. If I lay on the floor…
Okay, now you climb on top of me. Oh, yeah.
(Diana) Oh, yeah?
(Jeff) Oh, yeah.
(Diana) Oh, yeah?
(Jeff) Ow!
Okay, is there any way we can do this without you touching me?
(Diana)
That sort of defeats the purpose.
(Jeff)
If I get to the floor…and then you support yourself on the couch, but lower yourself onto me.
(Diana)
Oooh, it’s like a Kama Sutra move.
(Jeff)
Sure, it’s like a karma too too move.
(Diana lowers herself onto him from couch) Oh!
Sorry!
(Jeff)
You did it. You fixed me! I’m fine!
(Diana) What?
(Jeff)
It must have fallen back into place! So where were we?
(Diana)
Come here big boy.
(Jeff) Arghhhh!
(Blackout. An ambulance siren goes off in the dark)
ACT I, SCENE 6 — TRUE BREW COFFEE SHOP 27 (Marcy orders a drink from the Barista. She wears a camera around her neck. She speaks to Danny as the Barista. Diana is asleep at the table)
(Marcy) Diana? Diana!
(Diana) Hey.
(Marcy)
Are you sleeping?
(Diana) Not anymore.
(Marcy)
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.
(Diana)
Then why did you yell out my name?
(Marcy) How’s Jeff?
(Diana)
They’re still doing some weird thing to his back. He’ll be fine.
(Marcy)
Is Austin over there?
(Diana)
Visiting hours don’t start again for another hour, so he’s gonna kill some time over here. He’s just filling out some paper work for Jeff.
(Marcy)
And how are you doing? I mean, aside from being up for twenty-six straight hours?
(Diana)
Somewhere between horribly embarrassed and disturbingly humiliated.
(Marcy)
That’s “wild abandon” for you. (Barista enters) I ordered you a drink.
(Barista)
Café Mocha Latte with two-sevenths cups of cream?
(To Marcy) Thank you.
(Barista)
And the Barista’s special?
(Marcy) Here.
You know what? This is going to be awkward. I should go.
(Diana)
Marcy! We’ve been trying to set this up for two weeks now. When you saw him at the fruit stand, what did you do?
(Marcy)
I chickened out.
(Diana)
And when we waited for him outside of work so that you could accidentally bump into him, what did you do?
(Marcy)
I chickened out.
(Diana)
And when we got up at five in the morning so that you could run past him when he came out to get the paper, what did you do?
(Marcy)
I fell asleep in…
(Diana)
You fell asleep in the bushes.
(Marcy)
This just feels kinda creepy. I feel like I’m stalking him.
(Diana)
Well, you are, and you have been for the past two weeks. But Marcy, you’re actually doing him a favor. You could be his Ms. Wrong and then set him up to meet the woman of his dreams. Just send him on his way in six months. Hey, if you time it right, you could send him right back to his ex-girlfriend, who may willingly take him back.
(Barista)
Ah, the rock bottom principle.
(Diana) 29 Thank you. Jeff throwing out his back may be the best thing that ever happened to you. Just tell Austin you came here to give me support and this won’t seem forced at all.
(Marcy)
I’m just here to support Diana. I’m just here to support Diana. I’m just here to…Shhh, there he is. (Marcy and Diana retreat to the counter. Austin goes to sit at the table)
(Diana)
I will say this for you, Marcy. You sure can pick ’em. I’m outta here. Remember, find a way to hang on for six months and you’re golden.
(Diana exits. Marcy approaches Austin unnoticed and takes a picture of him) (Austin)
Don’t do that. Oh…hey.
(Marcy)
You had that look of consternation about you. I couldn’t resist. A modern day thinker.
(Austin)
Glad I could help.
(Marcy)
I’m just here to support Diana!
(Austin)
What are you talking about?
(Marcy)
Jeff threw out his back trying to have sex with Diana.
(Austin)
He told me he tried to lift a forklift off an old lady.
(Marcy)
Maybe it was a euphemism.
(Austin)
Listen, about the night at the bar, I…
(Marcy)
What are you doing?
(Austin) I’m working.
(Marcy reads what he is working on)
Nice penmanship.
(Austin) Thank you.
(Marcy)
“Life is like a seagull.” That’s it?
(Austin) It’s not done.
(Marcy) A seagull?
(Austin)
Yeah, it’s not done.
(Marcy)
How is life like a seagull?
(Austin)
Not done. I come up with a metaphor first, and then I figure it out later.
(Marcy)
That doesn’t sound very personal.
(Austin)
It’s supposed to be universal. It’s a poem. Please?
(Marcy)
You can’t come up with the image first and then try and make it make sense. There’s no heart or spontaneity.
(Austin)
Marcy, I’m a professional poet. I think I can write a poem for my girlfriend.
(Marcy) Ex-girlfriend.
(Austin) Thank you.
(Marcy)
Austin, please let me help you not to make an ass out of yourself. There’s a big difference between a greeting card poem and a poem poem. A greeting card poem is polite and doesn’t take any chances, and a poem poem puts your soul on the line.
(Austin) 31 This is how I always work.
(Marcy)
Byuhhhh…this is how you always live. It’s how you write your poetry. It’s how you deal with your ex-girlfriend. It’s how you… Look, what kind of coffee are you drinking?
(Austin) Black.
(Marcy)
Of course. Then there’s no surprises. If someone else adds cream or sugar, you don’t have control.
(Austin)
No, I just don’t like sweet things or milky things in my…
COFFEE (Marcy)
If I added cream to your coffee.
You’d have a panic attack.
Just add a little cream.
Just a little dab of cream.
(She tries to add cream to his coffee) (Austin)
No!
(Marcy)
That’s why you take your coffee black.
Oooo, look at you and your thermos.
(Austin) What?
(Marcy)
The one over there on the floor.
Did you bring it from home?
You brought it from home!
You had it when you walked in the door!
(Austin) Big deal.
I know how I like my coffee.
‘Cause I’ve got ways. I get things done.
I could sit here and list ‘em, Cause I’ve got a system.
And maybe it’s not crazy fun.
But it works for me and my coffee.
It moves me right along.
There’s a neat logic to it.
It’s just how I do it.
If you think that it’s stupid, you’re wrong.
So if you don’t mind, Marcy, I’m a little busy … (Marcy)
Freeze.
(Austin) What?
(Marcy)
Say cheese. (Takes another picture of him) (Austin)
Agh!
So how do you take your coffee?
(Marcy)
Well, that depends on when.
(Austin) What?
(Marcy)
I ask the barista.
It’s up to the barista.
(Austin)
Don’t ever say barista again.
Doesn’t he find out your favorite?
Doesn’t that hurt your device?
(Marcy)
No he never does.
You know why he never does?
I never go to the same place twice.
(Austin) What?
(Marcy) 33 I never go to the same place twice.
’Cause I know how I like my coffee.
And I’ve got ways to keep things new.
I am always exploring, So life’s never boring.
Well, not as boring as you.
So being crazy with coffee Is a useful skill to hone.
You don’t have to deride it, Perhaps if you tried it,
You wouldn’t be drinking alone.
(Austin)
You wouldn’t be drinking al… (Marcy pours Austin’s hot coffee on his hand) Ow! That’s hot!
(Marcy)
And it hurt! You knew everything you could know about that cup of coffee, and still, someone came along, and turned what was well planned out into something that hurt. Sound familiar?
(Austin)
I’m gonna get Catherine back. (Grabs his cell phone and begins to dial) (Marcy)
She’s going to think you’re insane. Look, the seagull thing…it’s a disaster. And besides, it’s not done!
(Austin)
I’ll improvise something.
(Marcy)
Oh, improv. Well, mark my words, she’s gonna say, “Austin, that’s nice, but you’re kinda freaking me out.”
(Austin)
Hi Catherine. How are you? I’m fine. Listen. I know things are tough, but I wanted to say something.
Life is like a pickle.
It starts off smooth with no imperfections.
But as it ages,
Surrounded by other pickles,
It becomes something pregnant women crave.
And it craves them.
I love you.
Mmmmhmmmmm. Right. Okay. Talk to you again soon. Take care. Bye.
(Marcy)
What did she say?
(Austin)
“Austin, that’s nice.”
(Marcy) And…?
(Austin) And…
(Marcy and Austin)
“You’re kind of freaking me out.”
(Marcy)
I could have told you that.
(Austin) I know.
(Marcy)
I did tell you that.
(Austin) I know.
(Marcy)
And I could tell you what to do next…but I have to go.
(Austin)
Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah.
I’m sorry I made fun of your coffee.
You’re right. I’m wrong. You’re smart. I’m dumb.
Please be my cupid.
I’m hopeless, I’m stupid.
I’m worthless, no, I am scum!
(Marcy)
And also you’re covered with coffee.
(Austin) I know!
(Marcy) 35 Stop flipping out. It’s all okay.
This isn’t that tragic.
I’ll help you. I’m magic.
You just need to do what I say.
(Austin)
I cannot believe you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
(Marcy)
I’ll call you tomorrow.
(Austin)
I am going to write you a thank you card like you’ve never read.
(Marcy leaves Austin in the Coffee Shop as he begins to compose his thank you card) END OF SONG
(Marcy, Austin, Diana, and Jeff sit at the table) (Austin)
Here’s to Jeff getting out of the hospital. (They all do shots) (Jeff)
Man, I’m just glad that old lady’s free from that forklift.
(Austin)
Jeff, we all know what happened.
(Jeff) Diana!
(Diana)
Here, take another painkiller.
(Jeff) Okay!
(Austin)
So I have a draft of my new, improved, straight-from-the-heart, personal poem.
(Marcy)
All right, let’s hear it.
(Austin) Life is like a…
(Marcy) Stop.
(Austin)
I didn’t even get to the beautiful metaphor yet.
(Marcy)
No heartfelt poem ever began with “Life is like a.” You can’t just write universal, tired clichés.
Look—what’s the funniest thing that ever happened to you two?
(Austin)
With Catherine everything was funny.
(Jeff) 37 Oooh! Tell her about the dinner reservation.
(Austin)
No. Okay. One time, we had a seven thirty dinner reservation, but the restaurant had us for seven fifteen. So we thought we were on time, but they thought we were late. Woo!
(Marcy)
Write about that.
(Jeff)
Hey! How about, “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Remember when you cheated on me? Blow me.”
(Diana)
Hey, wanna show me how to get high score on Ms. Pac Man?
(Jeff)
Awesome! (Diana and Jeff exit) (Austin)
So…life is like a dinner reservation.
(Marcy)
You’re better off with the blow me poem.
(Marcy and Austin exit)
THE PERFECT ROMANCE—PART 1 (Danny as Waiter)
She gives suggestions He’d rather skip.
(Brigitte as Waitress) She left a fifty.
(Waiter) He didn’t tip.
His style’s truly tragic.
Hers is tragically hip.
The perfect romance.
(Waiter)
He like things simple, (Waitress)
But she’s complex.
(Waiter)
He follows structure, (Waitress)
Which she rejects.
He’s really only with her Cause he wants back his ex.
The perfect romance.
(Waiter)
They couldn’t be less suited for each other.
(Waitress)
I completely agree, But don’t you see,
That’s what makes them perfect For one another.
(Waiter)
She’ll try to teach him All that she knows.
(Waitress)
They’re good intentions.
(Waiter)
Oh, what are those?
They’ll quickly all go bad But sadly that’s how it goes.
(Waiter and Waitress) The perfect romance.
END OF SONG
ACT I, SCENE 7b — TRUE BREW COFFEE SHOP
(Austin and Marcy are sitting at the table. Austin has just tasted a coffee to which Marcy added milk. A picture of Austin from the Coffee Shop is hanging nearby)
(Austin) 39 Thank you. So, I have a draft of the new and improved, straight from the heart, personal poem poem, and it does not begin with “Life is like a…” What are you looking at? Is that the picture from the day you threw coffee on me?
(Marcy)
Oh, you noticed? I brought it in here, and the owner said he wanted to hang it up. He admired the look of consternation. He said it was a modern day thinker.
(Austin)
Ohh, your first New York exhibition.
(Marcy)
And as I was hanging it up, another photographer saw it and asked me to join his “Young New York Artists Appreciating Other Artists” foundation. Ya know, YNYAAOAF?
(Austin)
Wow, that’s really great, Marcy, I’m proud of you. May I say I’m proud of you?
(Marcy) You may.
(Austin)
I’m proud of you.
(Marcy)
Thank you. Now let’s hear what you got.
(Austin)
Okay, so I took your advice. Just start with her name and then say what I would actually say.
(Marcy) Hit it.
(Austin) Catherine.
(Marcy)
Right. Right. Right.
(Austin) Howdy.
(Marcy)
Right. Right. Right.
(Austin) Life is like a…
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
(Austin)
But I didn’t get to the beautiful metaphor yet.
(Marcy)
You know what? They’re playing classic romantic films all night over at The Village East
Theater. Let’s go there, and maybe it will give you some ideas of how to say something romantic without being all lame about it.
(Austin)
Great, I’ll call Moviefone and figure out which one we can catch.
(Marcy)
Let’s just figure it out when we get there.
(Austin)
No, no, no. I’ll call Moviefone.
(Marcy)
Let’s just let fate decide.
(Austin)
No, no, no. Moviefone.
(Marcy) Fate.
(Austin) Moviefone.
(Marcy) Fate.
(Austin) Moviefone.
(Marcy) Fate!
(Austin)
Okay, fate… Psyche! Moviefone!
(Austin and Marcy start to exit)
THE PERFECT ROMANCE: PART 2 (Danny as Barista)
He likes things structured.
(Brigitte as Baristress) 41 She likes to roam.
(Marcy) Fate!
(Baristress)
She tries new coffee.
(Barista)
His is from home.
(Baristress)
He’s never even heard of double skim with no foam.
(Barista) Gasp!
(Barista and Baristress) The perfect romance.
END OF SONG
ACT I, SCENE 7C — AUSTIN AND JEFF’S APARTMENT
(Marcy sits on the couch. Austin paces. Marcy reads the letter Austin has written) (Marcy)
Love, Austin.
(Austin) Well?
(Marcy) Perfect.
(Austin) Really?
(Marcy)
Yeah…this actually has something to do with the person you wrote it about. It looks like draft number fourteen was the charm.
(Austin)
A poem poem?
(Marcy)
A poem poem.
(Austin)
Okay, so now what?
Address an envelope.
(Austin) I already did.
(Marcy)
Of course. (Austin slides the poem into the envelope) (Austin)
Now what?
(Marcy)
Now wait four months.
(Austin) What?
(Marcy)
Well, you broke up two months ago, didn’t you?
(Austin)
And three days.
(Marcy)
You always wait six months before you send out the “rekindle poem.”
(Austin)
That sounds an awful lot like a plan.
(Marcy)
No, no! It’s a rule. It’s very different than a plan.
(Austin) Really.
(Marcy) Yeah.
(Austin)
Listen, I just want to say thank you. Had it not been for you, I would’ve turned to Jeff. And instead of sending Catherine this poem, I would have used one of his good ideas.
(Jeff enters from the other room) (Jeff)
Hey! Sending Catherine porn was a good idea. I’m running downstairs to let Diana in. You two need anything?
(Austin) 43 No, thanks.
(Jeff grabs the bills—and the envelope with the poem— off the table and runs downstairs) I just…I want you to know how much I appreciate it. I feel like I should have gotten you flowers or something.
(Marcy)
Oh, no, no, no. That’s not necessary, but daisies are my flower. I’m just glad I could help someone as pathetic and hopeless and helpless as you.
(Austin)
And I’m glad I could actually put up with your absolute nonsense approach to life long enough to get some good information out of you.
(Marcy)
Well, I guess this is it. You know all that you need to know.
(Austin)
Yeah, I guess so.
(Marcy)
I mean, we can still see each other but…
(Austin)
This will give you more time to focus on your YNYAAOAF.
(Marcy)
Oh, I dropped out of that club.
(Austin) Why?
(Marcy)
I felt it was in violation of my anti-establishment, deconstructionist philosophy toward life.
(Austin) Right.
(A very angry landlord bounds in followed by Jeff and Diana) (Danny as Landlord)
Mr. Bennet! Mr. Bennet, your rent is three weeks late! Again! You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t believe you that you just dropped it in the mailbox.
(Austin) Jeff!
But I actually did this time.
(Diana)
I saw him do it if that helps at all.
(Landlord) It doesn’t.
(Jeff)
I swear to you, I took everything off that table and put it in the mailbox across the street.
(Austin)
Woah, woah, woah, you did what?
(Jeff)
I sent the bills on the table (Austin)
Y-y-you did what?
(Jeff)
I sent the bills on the table.
(Austin) You did what?
(Landlord)
He sent the bills on the table!
(Marcy)
Jeff, was there a letter addressed to Catherine on the table?
(Jeff)
I don’t know, I just…AHH! I just sent some sort of horrible thing to Catherine!
(Austin)
You sent the poem!
(Marcy)
He sent the poem!
(Jeff)
I sent the poem!
(Austin)
You sent the poem!
(Brigitte as Neighbor enters) 45 (Neighbor)
Excuse me, could you please stop screaming? Some people are trying to sleep here!
(Austin)
Stop screaming?! You’re sleeping?! Do you know what I just did?! I followed idiot advice and
Stop screaming?! You’re sleeping?! Do you know what I just did?! I followed idiot advice and