Your Toddler...
Wants to spend time with you Struggles with independence Says “hi” and “bye-bye”
Points to body parts and clothing when named
Enjoys looking at a family book made out of family pictures Tries to kick a ball; tries to throw a ball
Scribbles on paper
Zips and unzips large zipper
19 MONTHS
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Just the other day, I started to notice that every morning I say “bye-bye”
to my dad. Mama says he has to go to work, but I want both my mama and
daddy to be home with me all day. I tried to put on my shoes and go with
him one day, but Mama says work doesn’t work that way. I don’t know why.
I am always busy working around the house, and there are always other
peo-ple around!
There is a lot to do around the house that keeps me busy! I love to kick
and throw balls for my dog to chase. I let out a great big belly laugh when
my dog gets the ball and runs back to me with it. I can play that game for
a long time. Well, until the ball starts getting slobbery, and then I can’t
stand to pick it up anymore! I also have great big crayons that I can use to
make marks on paper. Other times I squish colorful dough in my hands.
Mama or Grandma always makes sure I don’t put the crayons or dough in my
mouth. They keep telling me not to, but I want to see what they feel like
and taste like in my mouth. It’s just too easy to forget that rule!
My playroom is full of toys. I have lots of blocks and cars and books.
Sometimes I get everything out at the same time. My mama doesn’t look
happy when she walks in after I have had that much fun! When she tells me
I have to put all of these fun things away, I get really mad. I don’t want to
put them away. Sometimes I get so angry that I scream and start throwing
the toys. When I do that, Mama holds me and says it’s time to relax. After
she holds me for a while, I am ready to help her put my toys away. Wow!
That’s a lot of work, too! I’m glad I have such a great mama to help me
fig-ure out how to do all this work.
As a toddddler:
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BabyTALK
Developmental Perspectives
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BabyTALK
Developmental
The terrible two’s are upon us. Well, of course she’s not quite two and
won’t be for five more months. Oh no, how much worse can this get?
Between all the “mine!” and “no!” she’s still my sweet girl, but it’s hard
convincing her to do what I want her to do these days. She is
posses-sive of toys, even those that aren’t hers. She is busy, busy, - always
into something. All I can say is thank goodness she is still taking naps.
I have to sit down sometime.
I’m struggling because our relationship used to be so easy. My job was
just to love her and meet her needs. I was good at that! Now I am
constantly teaching and disciplining and explaining why “we don’t do
that, Sara.” I feel like she will go to extreme lengths to prove her
point or get what she wants. Some of these temper tantrums are real
doozies. I don’t know if I should yell at her or hold her. I’ve tried
negotiating and bribing. I don’t like this unchartered territory. It
makes me sad that she seems destroyed by such small things, and I
feel inadequate that I can’t seem to help.
I also get mad at her for embarrassing me in public or in front of
other people. My mother-in-law saw one of her fits the other day, and
I was mortified that I didn’t know how to handle it with the pressure
of her watchful eye. People have advice for me about how they
han-dled their toddler’s meltdowns, but I’m not sure if she would respond
well to some of the tactics they suggest. I feel like we need to have a
plan in place to help us deal with these out-of-control periods. One
friend suggested using three warnings before the consequence, telling
your child “1…2…3,” so that they get a chance to turn things around
before the timeout. That sounds like it might work.
As a parent :
Reflection
19 MONTHS
TEMPER TANTRUMS
Temper tantrums are often part of your toddler’s step toward independence. He has inner turmoil over decisions he wants to make. He does not know how to control or express this inner conflict, so it comes out in the form of a temper tantrum. Only your child can learn to control and contain his turmoil. Keep in mind, tantrums are not your fault, and they are not his fault either. You can help him through this:
Take a time out. Pick up your toddler and hold him quietly or put him somewhere safe to “throw” his tantrum.
Walk Away. Walk out of sight until the tantrum lessens or has ended. When the tantrum has ended, your toddler will need reassurance and comfort. Now let the tantrum be over. Don’t talk about it anymore, but rather move on to a new activity.
You may begin to understand and accept your child’s negative behavior; however, this under-standing only starts to help you interact happily and live day-to-day with a passionate toddler. To help him become a self-controlled, confident child requires calm and consistent limits. These lim-its make him feel safe and free to explore because someone who loves him is watching and car-ing. Here are some suggestions to help smooth some of the rough times with your toddler: -Provide approval and attention for positive behavior. He is still in love with you and craves hugs, smiles, and conversation with you.
-Establish routines to help your toddler feel in control of his day. He will know what to expect next and what is expected of him.
-Give him choices whenever possible. “Which book do you want me to read before bedtime?” He will probably say “no” if you ask, “Do you want to go to bed now?” You may also get a negative response if you simply state, “Now it is time for bed.”
WHAT ABOUT SPANKING?
People disagree a great deal on whether to spank or not spank a child. We need to take a look at what is accomplished by spanking. Spanking or hitting a child won’t make her behave. She may stop doing a certain behavior, but that is only part of the solution. In addition, physical pun-ishment has some very real disadvantages. 1) Your child gets the idea that hitting people is all right and that it’s okay to settle things by force. 2) Spanking or hitting may cause you to lose con-trol. You may find yourself spanking or hitting too hard.
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In your encounter with a nineteen-month-old and his parent, you may see something you have not seen before: some very real ambivalence in the parent’s feelings for her child. You know she loves him dear-ly, but you can also see that there are times when she doesn’t like him very much.
Let’s be honest. It’s hard to “like” someone who defies you at every turn, who seems intent on doing the opposite of what you want, and whose behavior embarrasses you in front of your mother-in-law. Toddlers know how to push their parents’ buttons as they establish autonomy.
Parents mourn the loss of the time when their babies wanted nothing more than to be cuddled and fed. At that time, parents could fill their babies’ needs, which is a satisfying experience for any parent.
But now, their children may resist cuddling and instead have their own different ideas about everything. Parents try to insist that their toddlers comply with their own plans, but usually to no avail. The pressure mounts in this struggle for control, until the child falls apart. His tantrum is the climax of his own frustra-tion at not being able to control his world.
You know that these tantrums are not an indictment against the parent, but it is very difficult for parents to not feel a sense of failure over them. After many months of feeling very connected to their little one, par-ents have a hard time disconnecting from the fury around a toddler’s tantrum.
And yet disconnecting is the one thing parents can do that will begin to let some of the air out of the bal-loon of frustration the child is feeling. How can you help parents make this important step to remove them-selves from the heat of the tantrum so that the child can begin to regain control?
Perhaps a good place to start would be to ask parents to describe what happens when their child tantrums. What has led up to it? What are signs it is coming? What does their child do when he is tantrumming? How does the parent feel as she observes this tantrum? What has she been doing in response to the tantrum?
As she reflects on the process of her child’s tantrums, the parent may gain some insights that will be help-ful. First, she may heighten her own awareness of what seems to bring on a tantrum and consider how they may avoid tantrums altogether. She may also gain insight about how her response to the tantrum may be causing it to intensify, leading her to consider a change in her own behavior.
The most critical benefit to helping a parent think through this tantrum experience is that she begins to gain some control over her own feelings about the tantrum. She can begin to see it as a typical result of a toddler’s powerful feelings, rather than a failure of her parenting skills or a rejection of her relationship with her child.
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