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HUNTER GAT HERERS
Copyright © 2005. 2009. Peter Sinn Nachrrieb
All Ri gh ts Rese rved
CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of HUNTER
GATHERERS is subject to payment of a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyrighr laws
of rhe United States of America. and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Ccmmonwealth). and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyri~hr
Convention. the Berne Convention. and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights. including without limitation professional/amateur stage rights. motion picture. recirarion. lecturing. public reading. radio broadcasting. teb'i
sion, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical, elecrronic and digital teproduc tion. transmission and distribution. such as CD, DVD. the Internet. private and file-sharing
networks. information storage and retrieval systems. photocopying. and the rigflts of transla·
tion into foreign languages are srricrly reserved. Parricular emphasis is placed upon the martel'
of readings, permission for which must be secured ftom the Author's agent ill writing.
The English language stock and amateur stage performance rights in the United States. irs territories. possessions and Canada for HUNTER GATHERERS are controlled exclusively
by DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE. INC.. 440 Park Avenue South, New York. NY 10016.
No professional or nonprofessional performance of rhe Play may be given wirhout obrai n·
ing in advance the wrirten permission of DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC.. and pay ing the requisite fee.
Inquiries concerning all other rights should be addressed to Bret Adams. Lrd .• 448 Wesr
44th Street, New York. NY 10036. Attn: Mark Orsini.
SPECIAL NOTE
Anyone receiving permission to produce HUNTER GATHERERS is requited ro give cred
it to the Author as sole and exclusive Author of the Play on the tirle page of all programs
distributed in connection with performances of rhe Play and in all instances in which the tirle of the Play appears for purposes of adverrising. publicizing or otherwise exploiting the
Play and/or a production thereof The name of the Author must appear on a sepatate line,
in which no other name appears. immediately beneath the tirle and in size of type equal to
50% of the size of the largest. most prominent lerrer used for the tirle of the Play. No per
son, firm or entity may receive credit larger or mo re prominem than that accorded the
Author. The following acknowledgments must appear on the tirle page in all programs dis tributed in connection with performances of the Play:
HUNTER GATHERERS was first produced on the San Francisco stage in June 2006
by Killing My Lobster. supponed by the New Works Fund.
a grants ptogram of Theatre Bay Area.
HUNTER GATHERERS was developed at the 2005 Bay Area Playwrights Festival.
Amy L. Mueller. Artistic Director.
SPECIAL NOTE ON SONGS AND RECORDINGS
For performances of copyrighted songs. arrangements or recordings mentioned in this Play.
the permission of the copyright owner(s) must be obtained. Other songs. arrangements or
recordings may be substituted provided permission from the copyright owner(s) of such
songs. arrangements or recordings is obtained; or songs. arrangements Ot recordings in the
public domain may be substituted.
For my parents and my brother,
who are fully responsible for my sense ofhumor.
Z.
SMITH REYNOLDS LIBRAR
Y
WAKE FOREST UNIVERSITY
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thanks ro: Roy Conboy, Brian Thorstenson, Anne Galjour, Michelle Carter and the San Francisco State University Department of Creative Writing; the creativity of Tracy Ward, Rob Melrose, Jon
Wolanske, Daniel Lee, Melanie Case, Fontana Butrerfield, Alexis
Lezin, John Kovacevich, Liam Vincent, Gabriel Marin, Celia
Schuman and Danielle Thys; the producorial wonderfulness of Lisa Busby, Paul Charney, Sally Garbarini, Marc Vogl and Killing My Lobster; George Nachtrieb for brotherly dramaturgy; Will Dunne, David Dower, Lisa Steindler, Amy Mueller, Christine Young, Duca
Knezevic, Gip Hoppe, Mark Orsini, Bruce Ostler, Hank Unger,
Marrhew and Mike Rego, Amanda Watkins, James Bewley, Adric
Alvaro, Alex Estrovitz, Sean Christensen, Joshua Winsor, Carla Pantoja, Kim Abramson, Theatre Bay Area, The Tournesol Project,
The Playwrights Foundation, Z Space Studio, Bret Adams Ltd.,
The Araca Group, Wellfleet Harbor Acror's Theatre, The Furious Theatre, Harold and Ursula Nachtrieb, the entire Nachtrieb clan, and Mark Marino, who inspired some of Wendy's best lines.
4
AUTHOR'S NOTE
So Pam, Richard, Tom and Wendy were in a play I was writing in
grad school that I completely lost control of. About halfWay through this early piece (which included about fifty other characters) Pam had
been exiled in to "The Woods" after Wendy and Richard had taken
over "The City." I believe it was after I'd written a scene with a Greek
messenger and talking bushes that I began to wonder if I should per
haps set some dramaturgical limits for myself and start again. Around the same time, I was reading Harvard sociobiologist E.O.
Wilson's book On Human Nature, which explores the evolutionary
origins for human behavior. The subject is right up my alley as someone whose perspective on life and humanity comes through a biological lens. The book is a study of human character rraits that are observed across cultures both "primitive" and "modern" and the orizes why such behaviors may have been naturally selected over time. "I should write a play about primal urges!" I thought, "Maybe with some of the characters from that other play!"
And so emerged the challenge: to write a play that had the scope of the original version, that explored the theme of "humans as animals," bur contained it in a single set "dinner party play" with four charac ters so someone could actually produce it and I could actually write
it. And once I wrote that first lamb scene, things really began ro
cook. (Sorry.)
From these initial triggers, I feel like the play has absorbed a num
ber of other themes (you can decide on your own what they are).
Each character has brought his or her own set of issues into the mix. Even at thirty-five, Pam, Richard, Wendy and Tom all seem to be struggling with their roles in the world, with finding a sense of purpose, and with feeling like adults (so Gen-X of them). "What should I be doing with my life" is a question that consumes every one in this play with a ferocity. Eventually, they look ro their guts for an answer and it's their primal instincts that ultimately save or
destroy them.
HUNTER GATHERERS was developed at the 2005 Bay Area
Playwrights Festival (Amy L. Mueller, Artistic Director).
HUNTER GATHERERS received its world premiere by Killing My
Lobster in San Francisco, California, on June 15,2006. It was direct
ed by Tracy Ward; the set design was by Erik Flatmo; the costume
design was by Sally Thomas; the lighting design was by Christopher
Studley; the sound design was by David Sophia Siegel; the property
design was by Karen Zwicker; and the production stage manager
was Sarah Aguirre. The cast was as follows:
PAM Melanie Case
RlCHARD Jon Wolanske
WENDY Alexis Lezin
TOM John Kovacevich
6
CHARACTERS
PAM - 35, our hero.
WENDY - 35, Pam's best friend.
RlCHARD - 35, Pam's husband.
TOM - 35, Wendy's husband. Smaller than Richard.
SETTING
Pam and Richard's urban apartment in a city much like San
Francisco. Perhaps it's a factory that's been converted into a condo
loft, or perhaps a condo loft made to look like it was a converted
factory. Clean. Modern. High ceilings. Chrome? Appeals to the eye
but there's not a lot of warmth. Furniture looks nice, but is uncom
fortable. Cataloguey.
There is a "great room" where most of the action takes place. The
walls are decorated with tribal artifacts: masks, spears, skulls on a string. The artifacts look clean, well-mounted, disassociated from any sort of use. Metal sculptures (made by Richard) are dotted
about. Photos of a wedding, Pam and Richard stand coupled next
to Wendy and Tom.
Action also takes place in a bathroom and a bedroom. There is an
entrance to the apartment, an entrance to a kitchen, and some way
to get to the rest of the house.
TIME
2005. May. Evening.
MUSIC
Of the late '80s.
HUNTER GATHERERS
ACT ONE
Scene 1
Pam and Richard's apartment. The great room. Afternoon. A farge cardboard box sits on the floor. Newspaper is laid out
around it. The Joy of Cooking is sitting next to the box, open
to a page.
Pam stands in front of the door, weighed down by too many
grocery bags fiffed with shrink-wrapped vegetables, grains,
nuts, ben-ies, and other packaged items, plus a farge assortment
offresh flowers arranged in a tasteful urban design (i.e., lots of dead twigs mixed in).
Richard is leaning over the box. In one hand, he holds a very
sharp large knife.
Richard reaches into the box, attempting to take hold ofa crea ture inside. There is a loud "baaaaah, " more vigorous shuffling.
Richard tries to take a firm grasp. He does not succeed, pulfs his
arms out, and sits back, frustrated.
A beat.
PAM. Was the butcher dosed? RlCHARD. No. (Beat.)
PAM. So you tried the butcher first?
RICHARD. Uh-huh. (Beat.)
PAM. They were out of lamb? RICHARD. Ie didn't look fresh.
PAM. Oh. (Beat.) How fresh does it need to be? RICHARD. Super.
PAM. That's a good butcher. I'm sure that they only carry RICHARD. (Quoting. [Note: All cookbook quotes are fictional.)) "As
though the blood has just stopped. Caught in the muscles. Swishing. Unsure. 'Where do I go now,' it wonders?"
PAM. That's very elaborate.
RICHARD. That's the Joy o/Cooking.
PAM. A new edition?
RICHARD. This chapter is written with a greater passion than the others. (Beat.)
PAM. I'm going to unpack these. (Pam heads for the kitchen. Richard makes another attempt to hold the lamb still. Pam has almost
exited when - )
RICHARD. You'te going to have to help me.
PAM. I should really get these peppers in the Sub-Zero. RICHARD. Young Carl here has got some feist in him. PAM. Who?
RICHARD. Lots of spunk and vigor.
PAM. You named it?
RICHARD. You name what you love. PAM. Carl?
RICHARD. This is a very intimate thing I'm about to do, Skipper. PAM. I don't understand what you want me to
RICHARD. (Picking up the Joy of Cooking.) "The 'holder' calms
the lamb, much like a mother calms her babe. A soft caress, a
scratch on the nose, stories of magic and happiness softly cooed
into the ear steady the throat and relax the soul to help assure a
clean cut." (The box jolts violently.)
PAM. I don't think I can do that. RICHARD. You just need two hands.
PAM. It's more of an emotional thing, Richard.
RICHARD. I'm feeling it too. There are great big emotions. Swirling all around us.
PAM. I'm sorry, Richard. I can't. I'll get started on the brownies.
(Pam heads for the kitchen.)
RICHARD. You love lamb. (Pam stops.)
10
PAlvI. Yes.
RICHARD. You love the taste of lamb? PAl\lf. It's my favorite savory flavor, yes, but
RICHARD. Pamela Christian Gable, this will be the best lamb
you have ever tasted. PAM. I don't doubt that.
RICHARD. You're doubting, Pam. PAM. I never doubt.
RICHARD. You're doubting this meal. Yourself. Us? PAM. Of course not.
RICHARD. I'm reaching out to you here. PAM. Couldn't you hire someone?
RICHARD. I was hoping this was something we could do together. PAM. Oh.
RICHARD. A Pam and Richard collaboration.
PAM. Mmmm.
RICHARD. For tOnight. The "Fab Four" gathers again. PAM. It's the most special night of the year.
RICHARD. Things must be done to keep love and good fortune shining upon us.
PAM. Sacrifice?
RICHARD. It's not going to be easy. The best things never are. But here we are together, you, me, Carl, and we have an opportunity to
create something.
PAM. Something important.
RICHARD. Something really delicious.
PAM. A tribute.
RICHARD. A gift. (Beat')
PAM. I do love to give.
RICHARD. One smell of it, Pam, roasting in the oven ...
PAM. This is a symbol. Of friendship.
RICHARD. One chunk, steaming on your fork PAM. Of faith and togetherness
RICHARD. - juicy, moist, hello there, chunk.
PAM. An act of love.
RICHARD. And when that meat hits your tongue
PAM. Here it is.
RICHARD. Shooting across your buds
PAM. Here's your symbol right in front of you. RICHARD. Filling you up with juice.
PAM. And ir's young ... RICHARD. With life. La vida! PAM. And it's scared ... RICHARD. La vida del carne!
PAM. And it's about to end.
RICHARD. PAM! (Pam snaps out ofit.)
PAM. Yes.
RICHARD. You just need to hold him. (Beat')
PAM. All right.
RICHARD. I'll do the rest. (Pam sets the groceries down. She reaches in the box. we hear skittering. Pam uses a little more force to hold the
lamb stilf. Richard takes the knife.) PAM. Oh goodness.
RIC HARD. You're doing great.
PAM. It's breathing heavy. RICHARD. Pet him. PAM. What?
RICHARD. He needs to be relaxed. Scratch the nose. Tell stories
of magic. (Pam pets the lamb. Richard gets in a good knifi-wielding
position.)
PAM. (Quietly, to the lamb.) Wizards. Enchanted castles. (A silent;
teme moment, where it fiels Richard could cut at any moment')
RICHARD. I love you.
PAM. I love you too.
RICHARD. You're my Skipper.
PAM. And you're my Boat. (Beat. Richard almost cuts but holds.)
RICHARD. Happy anniversary.
PAM. Happy anniversary, Richard. (Beat. Richard almost cuts but
holds.)
RICHARD. This'll be worth it. PAM. OK.
RICHARD. I promise.
PAM. Mmm. (Beat. Richard almost cuts but holds.)
RICHARD. We'll remember this meal for a long long time. PAM. Can we just ... get on with it?
RICHARD. (In a soothing voice.) All right. OK. That's good. He's calmer. Now hold still, Carl. You are in for a treat. You are about
to be transformed from just another sheep in a field into something
extraordinary. All it's gonna take is one deep - (Blackout. Music.)
12
Scene 2
The great room, cleaned up, ready for company. The box and newspaper are gone, the table is set. The flowers that Pam
bought sit on the dining table in a vase.
There is a stain on the floor where the box once was. Pam, dressed for dinner, is on her hands and knees with a sprtly
bottle and some steel woof. She is fitriously scrubbing the spot.
PAM. (Muttering.) Out. (The doorbell rings.) Out! (The doorbell rings again, twice. A mantra.) One basket. One glorious basket. (Loud, urgent knocking on the .font do07" Pam pops out of her trance. In a quick-think move, she puts the vase offlowers to cover the stain. Pam
opem the .font door. It's wendy, fashionably dressed in something earthy
sensual. She holds four bottles ofred and white wine.) WENDY. Oh thank God!
PAM. Hello Wendy!
WENDY. Thank God you're all right!
PAM. I was here the whole time. I didn't - (wendy hugs Pam intensely, which remains tight over the next several lines.) Oh!
WENDY. You wouldn't believe the scenarios I was picturing out
there. "They forgot. They're not here. They're out having fun. They
were killed. Pam and Richard have been killed and can't answer the
door. Because they are dead."
PAM. We would never forget tonight. WENDY. I am so happy you're not dead. PAM. Me too. (Beat, still hugging.)
WENDY. Oh Pam. PAM. Wendy.
WENDY. You are the best hugger I have ever known. PAM. You don't mean that.
WENDY. I mean it more than anything I've ever said. To be in
these arms. This warmth. Not in the car. PAM. I do love a good hug.
I
WENDY. You are healing me, Pam. (Beat.)
PAM. Happy anniversary! (Wendy pulls out ofthe hug.)
WENDY. Another year.
PAM. Still together. The Fab Four. Forever!
WENDY. Look at us ...
I
PAM . Your husband?
WENDY. Let's not spoil the moment just yet.
PAM. Is he not coming?
WENDY. He's parking. Tom is parking the car.
Tom will be parking the car for quite some time.
PAM. I know! Doesn't it seem like yesterday we were picking out PAM. Driving is the worst part about living in the city. Well, that
our dresses for the and all the sadness.
WENDY. Look at us getting so old. The fresh sags. Sacs. Droops WENDY. Well, Tom just loves to park. He insists on discovering
and clogs. Aches. Decay. Disappointments. the "perfect" spot. Apparently, there's some ephemeral parking SpOt
PAM. (Laughing.) We're only thirty-five, Wendy! We're still quality that goes beyond enough space to fit the vehicle.
WENDY. Halfway to seventy, Pam. Half our cookie, nibbled. Asshole.
PAM. We'll live a lot longer than seventy. Unless something awful PAM. Is everything OK?
happens. WENDY. No. Yes. Just some residual road rage from the car. Some
WENDY. Our heartS will beat inside a flabby mound. I'd rather of our worst moments as a couple are in transit.
I
I
die. You look fabulous.PAM. No I don't.
PAM. Well, good for you to get out of the car before things got
really bad.
WENDY. Yes you do! WENDY. Yes. Yes it was. (Beat.)
PAM. I was in a rush. PAM. Wendy?
WENDY. You're as pretty as you were in high school. WENDY. Maybe we should take trains. Maybe I should drive.
PAM. I never thought I was all that- Maybe I should divorce Tom.
WENDY. Prettier. You're glowing. Flushed. You're pregnant! PAM. You can do one without the other.
PAM. No! I just didn't have time to wash. WENDY. Can I? Can I when they're really the same thing?
WENDY. Age has been much kinder to you these years, Pam. You How are you, Pam?
I still look as fresh from the pasture as a spring PAM. I'm fine .
PAM. Lines. On my face. I'm seeing lines. WENDY. You look stiff.
WENDY. You're imagining them. PAM. Maybe a little sore from the gym.
II
PAM. You look fantastic as always. WENDY. How are you really?
WENDY. Blah. PAM. Well, it's silly, not a big, just, well, this afternoon, right here
PAM. You do! WENDY. I mean how are we all, really? How are we doing with our
WENDY. Blah blah. You say nice things, Pam. You always say nice lives? Sometimes, I miss those third-grade report cards we used to
things. get. When they evaluated your progress as a human. Teacher, God,
PAM. I mean them. You've always taken such good care of yourself. Buddha, Mao, someone, tell me: Am I a check plus? Or just a check?
WENDY. Pilates only goes so far. That's what the mirror tells me. PAM. One teacher said I was like a puppy dog. That bothered me.
The scale. The ambivalence of construction workers when I walk by. WENDY. It's good to know what you are like, Pam. Even if it hurrs.
God, I miss you. (She sniffi.) Richard is concocting something supernatural in there.
PAM. I'm so glad we still do this. PAM. He'll come out when he hears a cork pop.
WENDY. Who would think a bridge and a tunnel would make it WENDY. Every year, he raises the bar. Last year, my God. Who
so difficult to be with the ones you truly love? knew a chicken would fit in a duck and then fit inside a turkey? I
PAM. Where's Tom? certainly didn't.
WENDY. Hmm? PAM. These are really great wines.
I~
I
!
WENDY. That is a really great smell.
PAM. Can I just open anyone?
WENDY. Which will go best with dinner? PAM. The red.
WENDY. 00. That suggests something bloody. Or pasta?
PAM. Bloody.
WENDY. I've been craving flesh all day. What kind?
PAM. I'd rather not say.
WENDY. Fine. I'll have to guess. (Wendy sniffi loudly.)
PAM. Wendy's famous nose.
WENDY. State champion. Never forget that.
PAM. I've never been very good at sensing. (Wendy continues to
smell, perhaps raising her arms so that the chemicals can seep through
her tender underaml skin.)
WENDY. Oh yes. A fresh, tender smell. Young. Innocent. Cute?
Oh. And that marvelous aroma of liquid fat that makes you feel
like you're home. Safe. And cumin. He's using cumin, isn't he?
PAM. I haven't been in there since he started cooking.
WENDY. Mmm. Nutty fabulous. Fresh. Bloody. Bloody and fresh.
That brings back memories. (The cork pops. Richard enters,
wearing an apron that says "Richard'" He holds a knife and an onion. He walks towards the vase
0/
flowers on the floor without seeing it.)RICHARD. Oh my goodness, I just heard a pop! I smell perfume
and tannins in the air and, 10, mine eyes doth be-seeith the finest
of beauties of the entire kingdom. I must have died'cause I'm in
heaven! Hahahahaha - (Richard trips over the flowers.) Whoa!
PAM and WENDY. Oh! (Richard has fallen to the ground He is
silent, motionless. A beat')
RICHARD. I'm OK. Richard is OK.
WENDY. (Holding her chest.) My heart.
RICHARD. That was not the entrance I rehearsed.
PAM. I'm so sorry, I didn't
RICHARD. There wasn't a vase in the middle of the room before.
PAM. I just put it there.
RICHARD. I have a knife in my hand. And an onion.
PAM. There was a stain on the floor.
RICHARD. So you put flowers over it?
PAM. I didn't want to see the stain.
WENDY. This is why we should all learn CPR.
I
16I
I
I
I
II
RICHARD. JUSt a little fall.
WENDY. It could have been worse.
RICHARD. Hello, Wendy!
WENDY. Hello, Richard. (Richard and Wendy hug.) You look per
fect as always. Love the apron.
RICHARD. I made it for tonight.
PAM. It's a really dark stain.
RICHARD. You're going to be OK at the helm, tonight, Skipper?
PAM. Yes, Boat.
RICHARD. Steady as she goes? (Do Richard and Pam exchange
captain's salutes? Richard chucldes. Wendy shudders ever so slightly.)
PAM. I'll get some paper towels. (Pam exits. A moment o/something
between Richard and Wendy.)
RICHARD. Hey now. Where's my buddy?
WENDY. If we're lucky, he's driven into a ... parking spot. Or a garage. He loves those.
RICHARD. No garages around here.
WENDY. Good.
RICHARD. I gOt scared he wasn't coming.
WENDY. Eek.
RICHARD. Did Pam tell you what we're having?
WENDY. No no! I'm enjoying becoming engulfed in magic vapor.
The mysteries of Richard.
RICHARD. I'm using cumin.
WENDY. And a cup of amazing!
RICHARD. Oh, Wendy, I haven't felt like this in a long time. (A noise
0/
wordless excitement.) Aah! It feels like my whole life has ledup to this day.
WENDY. Mine too. (Beat')
RICHARD. I want to tell you so bad what we're eating.
WENDY. Don't spoil the surprise, Richard. Let my nose and mouth
make the discovery on their own.
RICHARD. Just like Columbus.
WENDY. Land ho. (Pam enters with a lot o/paper towels. She begins
to clean up the mess.)
PAM. I feel terrible.
RICHARD. It's all right, Skipper.
PAM. My mind is all jumbly. The whole day. When I was at the
store, looking for baguettes, I walked right into a toilet paper display at the end. Right into it!
WENDY. Oh, and it fell.
PAM. No. It sort of squeezed around my body, and then gently
pushed me away.
WENDY. That must have been awful for you.
PAM. What if it had been something in cans?
RICHARD. The important thing is we're all OK. Everyone's
breathing and uninjured and OK. PAM. Almost.
RICHARD. We embark tonight on our annual evening cruise of
celebration, memories, and love.
Speaking of which, I need to go into the kitchen and cry. (Pam and Wendy Look at Richard, who is taking a comedian's pause. He waves the onion.) Onion! (Richard Laughs. Wendy and Pam Laugh, sort of Richard exits.)
WENDY. I tripped once. As a girl. Almost lost my life. PAM. This could have been a lot worse.
WENDY. Falling is dangerous. Knives are dangerous. PAM. Richard does aikido.
WENDY. Thank the Lord for the things that Richard does.
(DoorbeLL rings.) And that informs us that the party is over. (Pam answers the door. It's Tom, a LittLe sweaty, exhausted, in a tweed jacket 1111
and cords, Looking a LittLe paLe')
TOM. Sorry!
I
I
1
1
PAM. Hello, Tom! (They hug.)III TOM. I am so sorry. Sorry sorry sorry.
PAM. There's nothing to be sorry about. I
TOM. Being on time is very important to me.
I
I
I
PAM. You're still on time.TOM. I forgot about the parking here. Cars circling like vultures.
The inappropriate U-turns. The mean looks. It's scary out there.
PAM. We have a parking Spot with the apartment.
TOM. Lucky people. What I wouldn't give for a parking garage.
I
(Wendy coughs gently but purposejuL6,.) I'm sorry, honey. I didn'tI
J
catch that.WENDY. I coughed. That's all I did. TOM. Wendy hates parking garages. WENDY. I just coughed.
TOM. She only coughs when she hates something.
WENDY. I don't "hate" parking garages. More what they represent.
18
PAM. Ugliness. Excess. The worst of human civilization.
WENDY. I meant about him.
TOM. Surprise surprise.
PAM. Well, I'm glad you found a SpOt.
TOM. And what do they "represent," about "me," in your "mind?"
WENDY. Why are you asking me to criticize you?
TOM. Oh it's a criticism.
WENDY. I'm trying to hold my tongue here, Tom, as per your
note on the fridge. (Beat')
PAM. I yelled once at a car. TOM. I'm JUSt really curious how a
WENDY. There are some tigers who like the woods, and others who prefer cages, magic shows and having their meat served in a
bowl. That's all I'm going to say.
PAM. He was turning. With no blinker! TOM. Tigers don't have to drive, Wendy.
WENDY. They do in metaphors, Tom. TOM. Those spots were too narrow.
WENDY. You're terrified of parallel parking. TOM. We have a long car.
WENDY. IT'S A PRIUS!
PAM. And we're here! Here we all are! Happy anniversary. Yay! Yay! Yay!
TOM. Yes. We're here. That's what matters. The car is parked, Tom. Sorry, Wendy.
WENDY. I hate it when you apologize. PAM. How's everything at the hospital? TOM. It's hard. Emotionally. Tough. PAM. That sounds scary.
TOM. It is. But, we're helping people. I really feel like we're help
ing people.
PAM. I can't even imagine the stress. WENDY. You should try doing reiki.
TOM. I was promoted today. (Wendy coughs.)
PAM. That's so great!
WENDY. Without a raise. TOM. It's an honor.
WENDY. Sans the moolah. PAM. Congratulations! What are
TOM. Chair of the medical ethics board.
'II
I
WENDY. Volunteer chair.
PAM. That sounds really interesting. (Wendy drinks her glass of wine, pours another.)
TOM. It's going ro be challenging and sad. Docrors often find themselves in heart-wrenching, terrible predicaments. To treat or not to treat, save the liver or the kidney, baby versus mom .,. you can be forced ro decide between two godawful - (Richard enters, jumps into a crouch pose.)
RICHARD. (To Tom.) Ah-HA! TOM. Hey there, Richard!
RlCHARD. That's my buddy! That's my buddy in the room! (Tom
is never as convincingly macho as Richard is in the following exchanges.)
TOM. And there's my man! RICHARD. The M.D.! TOM. The B.A.
RICHARD . The big guy! TOM. Not as big as you.
RlCHARD. (Macho yell with physical gesture.) Haaa! TOM. (Macho yell with physical gesture.) Haaa! RICHARD. (Macho yell with physical gesture.) Haaa!
TOM. (Macho yell with gesture, shorter') Ha! (A beat where they wait
for the other to make a move. Richard laughs, Tom laughs. Tom breaks
the pose.) So anyway Pam, just ro finish, the ethics board deals with
complex - (Richard pounces on Tom, grabbing him around the waist
[
I
I
'
and tries to wrestle him to the ground.) Oh boy! Ha ha.RlCHARD. Let's see how strong you are ronight, buddy. TOM. Ha ha, not very, Richard!
RICHARD. You got the muscle to beat me? TOM. I've been jogging.
RICHARD. Who's gonna get pinned this year?
I
TOM. I wonder. (Richard eases up, giving Tom an opportunity to
make a move.)
I
I
I!
RlCHARD. Your move, buddy. Hit me with your best move.TOM. You know, this year I've started having spasms - (Richard
slaps Tom.)
RlCHARD. Get fierce on me, buddy. Fierce me up!
TOM. OK. Here I go! (Tom attempts to wrestle Richard. Richard
immediately retaliates with a deft maneuver that throws Tom on his
back.)
RlCHARD. AHHHHH!
20
1(1' IITOM. My back.
RlCHARD. RUGGA RUGGA!
TOM. Ow. (Richard has now pinned Tom on the ground, holding his arms out, and is straddling him. They are both panting, a bit winded.)
RlCHARD. That was closer this time. Not close enough though. Heh heh. Heh. I win again, Tom. Yeah. I have won again.
PAM. OK. Let the docror get relaxed, Richard.
RlCHARD. Not yet. I gOt 'em. I gOt 'em where I want him. PAM. I'm sure he's tired. He JUSt parked.
TOM. No, hah, it's all right. We're JUSt having some fun here. WENDY. (Sipping her wine.) I am having so many emotions right now.
RlCHARD. He knows what he has ro do. TOM. I don't think I really
RlCHARD. Tell me, buddy.
TOM. You really need me ro say it again?
RICHARD. (Leaning in, face close to Tom's.) Tell. Me. Now. (Beat')
TOM. You're the man, Richard. You are the strongest man.
(Richard grins.)
RlCHARD. Seventeen years and still undefeated.
PAM. I wish you two wouldn't have ro wrestle every time we get rogether.
WENDY. I love it.
RlCHARD. It's tradition. Essential. Right, buddy? TOM. Right.
RlCHARD. You never know when things'll flip. Wanna have a rematch?
TOM. Only if there's a written portion. Haha. (Richard stares at
Tom . A long blank stare') I'm very thirsry. (Richard has poured Tom
some wine.)
RICHARD. Right here for ya. One glass of wine for my best bitch. (Beat')
TOM. Thank you.
RlCHARD. A roast! Everyone must give a roast. I'll start. (They raise glasses. Richard takes a moment, concentrating, like he's trying to think
ofthe perftct thing to say. Very sincere.) The world overwhelms me.
Every morning, I read the newspaper. There, between my home made oatmeal and the fresh seasonal juice I have crushed with my own hands is this thick summary of all the ka-ka that is pooping on the world today. And it feels like I'm being punched in the nut-farm:
shock, fear, shortness of breath; a big, throbbing ... hole of pain. And this hole is growing. Deeper. Wider. Because I am ashamed by
how little I am doing to make this planet Earth any bener. Oh I try. I create impactful art, I intercourse with my commu
nity, I transform raw ingredients into penetrating food ... but is
that enough? Is. That. Enough? Is there anything, in me, out there,
that can fill this hole? (Beat.)
WENDY. Is there?
RICHARD. Three words: Tom, Wendy, Pam. The fact that we are
here, still together, breaking bread on this anniversary day, is the
only thing that gives me hope, lets me say, "Hey! The world hurts. But we don't have to. There is famine. There is genocide. But we've
got love. We've got friends."
"
I
To friendship.
I
I
THE OTHER THREE. Friendship. (They all drink. It's Wendy's turn.)WENDY. Wow, Richard, you are one tough act to follow. (She
laughs; no one else does.) But seriously, who would've guessed, back in our school days, that we would still be here tonight? Seriously,
who would've thought, "Hey, see those four? They're all going to prom together. They're going to share a limo. They're going to cou
ple off for arbitrary reasons and get married, on the same day, on tandem altars, a four-part harmony of I do's, and then have one of the strangest wedding receptions in America.
And even though, as the years go by, they're going to hang out
progressively less and less, they're going to stay in touch, chat on the phone, forward funny jokes on email, and have dinner once a year and eat and drink and laugh and recall and doubt and question .. . "
I mean that's longevity! That's staying in bed and finishing the job.
But seriously, who would've thought we'd get so old? That
none of us have died from some awful event, like a strangler, or a
head wound, or a stabbing ...
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love these nights. At least there's something once a year that gives me pleasure. To pleasure. PAM and RICHARD. Pleasure. (Pam, Richard, and Wendy look at Tom and await a toast')
TOM. Cheers. (Beat.) WENDY. That's it?
TOM. I'm just saying what you said, but with one word.
PAM. Cheers it is!
WENDY. Save us, Pam.
22
RICHARD. Yeah, Skipper, sum up your feelings for the day. PAM. OK. Well, it really is great to feel all this goodness. So much love. So much history. (She looks down.) So much blood. (Pam begins to cry.)
TOM. She's crying.
RICHARD. Oh Skipper.
PAM. I'm sorry. Just a second. I'm fine. (Beat. Pam cries again.)
WENDY. Oh sweetie, what is this? What's happening here? What
are you crying about, honey lamb? (Pam cries more forcefully.) Did
I say something?
RICHARD. Pam, what we did was natural and beautiful.
TOM. What did you do?
PAM. It looked into my eyes. TOM. Who?
PAM. Staring right at me. Like it was asking me a question: (As the lamb.) "What's going on, Pam? What is this that's going on
right now? Why does my throat hurt?"
WENDY. Did you strangle a child, Pam?
RICHARD. No no. We slaughtered dinner togemer this afternoon.
WENDY. Oh.
TOM. Ew.
WENDY. Oh my.
PAM. (Still as the lamb.) "Why? Why are you doing this to me, Pam?"
WENDY. (A discovery.) Lamb.
PAM. I can still see it in the box. TOM. You did it right here?
WENDY. We're having lamb tonight. RICHARD. We had to, Pam .. .
PAM. The soaked cardboard sticking to the floor ... RI CHARD. It was a
gift.
TOM. That's a major health code violation, to kill an animal in a
city apartment.
PAM. I wish I didn't have to see that stain.
RICHARD. Don't look down, Skipper. Look to the future.
WENDY. (Whispering to Richard.) I hear fresh lamb is incredible.
TOM. Maybe I'll just have a salad.
RICHARD. Salad is for homosexuals, Tom.
TOM. Right.
RICHARD. Only couscous. Now, let's bring it back. Remember
the warmth, Skipper. How about finishing that toast?
I
I
I
::I
I
I
I
i
I
I
.
IPAM. (Raising her glass.) To life.
THE OTHER THREE. Life. (They drink)
RICHARD. And an appetizer.
PAM. Sorry about that, everyone.
RICHARD. I still need to sruff the mushrooms.
PAM. I'm OK.
WENDY. What are you stuffing them with?
RICHARD. Another surprise.
WENDY. Do you need any help?
RICHARD. I love extra hands.
TOM. (Muttering.) Lots of people eat salad.
WENDY. Nobody move until we return! (Richard and Wendy exit
into the kitchen.)
PAM. Goodness, Tom, can you believe it's been a whole year?
TOM. Yes.
PAM. It sute doesn't feel that long.
TOM. Mmm.
PAM. We're together again and there's just this instant level of
comfort
and-TOM. You don't have to eat the lamb.
PAM. Can we not?
TOM. I won't eat if you won't. That would send a strong message.
PAM. The least I can do now is not let anything go to waste. I can
take the energy and nutrients stored in those little muscles and make
them a part of me. Maybe I can make something OUt of the skin.
TOM. The least you can do is not eat it.
PAM. It's already done, Tom.
TOM. I don't like that he forced you into a situation. Richard is
too forceful.
PAM. I'm a little embarrassed.
TOM. Spouses are supposed to be the ones you Want to hug.
PAM. From this moment on, let's forget how we got to this point
and have fun. You remember having fun, right Tom?
TOM. I'm a doctor, Pam. (A bump ftom the kitchen. Tom looks over.)
PAM. I am so proud of you that you did that.
TOM. What?
PAM. Became a doctor.
TOM. Oh. Yeah.
PAM. That was so much school!
TOM. I liked school.
24
PAM. It must feel so good to know you are really making a differ
ence in people's lives.
TOM. Except when you can't. When you try everything within
your power and potential to make something better, but you fail
and people die. (Beat.)
PAM. I'm thinking about switching jobs.
TOM. Where are you working again?
PAM. Same place. The company that makes the special software
for those things?
TOM. Oh, right. You don't like it anymore?
PAM. The people are hne. The office is hne. There are fun surprises
on Fridays. But, I don't know ...
TOM. You're sick of it, trapped, haunted by your choices?
PAM. No. It's ... well, you're a doctor. Wendy helps people with her
hand treatments. And Richard makes his art for the world to see.
TOM. He still does that.
PAM. He's welding something really big and long right now.
TOM. Of course he is. (Tom walks towards the kitchen door.)
PAM. You all do things that seem important. Relevant. TOM. Mm.
PAM. My job feels ... separate. From the world.
TOM. Uh-huh.
PAM. Not connected to anything real, you know?
TOM. Hmm.
PAM. Lonely. TOM. Yes.
PAM. I feel a little lonely. I guess.
TOM. I feel like Wendy and Richard are having sex in the kitchen.
(Beat')
PAM. What?
TOM. I feel like Wendy and Richard are having sex in the kitchen.
PAM. Why would you
TOM. I think I can hear pants.
PAM. I don't hear anything.
TOM. Creaks. Something moving back and forth, in and
PAM. Tom!
TOM. Listen!
PAM. Why would you even suspect that Richard and Wendy ...
that they would be doing that?
TOM. The thick toxins of lust they spray on each other.
I
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11,/1 I 1(1i IPAM. I've never seen any toxins.
TOM. How long does it take to stuff a mushroom? PAM. They're reminiscing.
TOM. I like that you don't want to believe the bad in people, Pam.
I envy that.
PAM. Is that a quiet way of calling me stupid?
TOM. No no! You're just ... very very nice and, maybe, na'lve to the inherent qualities programmed into the human species. Wendy and Richard, specifically.
PAM. What an awful thing to think. TOM. I'm sorry.
IlAM . That the closest people in our lives would ...
TOM. I'm being paranoid. And inappropriate for suggesting. Inappropriate, 10m!
PAM. It's unimaginable.
TOM. The little bits of evidence: Wendy and Richard's yearly trip into the kitchen, the grunts and moans, the facial flushing, the
mystery crust on Wendy's dress that glimmers in the light of the
Caldecott tunnel as we drive home ... I'm sure there's a simple explanation for all of them.
PAM. I'm sure there is. (Beat)
TOM. But maybe one of us should take a peek into the kitchen
and see what they're doing? PAM. They're cooking!
TOM. They're humpingl PAM. I will not cross that line!
TOM. What line is that?
PAM. The one where I doubt my closest friends. TOM. Yes. Sorry. Sorry.
I'll truSt that Richard and Wendy are really stuffing mushrooms.
I'll have faith that Wendy is not in fact bent over the butcher-block island, Richard humping her so hard that the rack of pots and pans
above is shaking so violently that one of them finally - (There is a
loud sound ofa pot or pan hitting something with a thud)
RICHARD. (Offstage) Ow!
WENDY. (Offstage) Jesus! (Richard bursts through the kitchen door, holding the top ofhis head. Wendy follows. They are both disheveled) RICHARD. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
WENDY. Oh God! Oh God!
PAM. Are you all right?
26
Wj 'NI1\ I",,,i / /."./ /'lll d
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PAI\r/. \,''"',, /,/" ,JI/II)
RIC:I IAI(I 1, 1/" ,iI/',,' ,,1'1'"1 l ir /II ill,
T()f\!/. ()I\ , I{ " "di,l, 1./1 ,f"\\ II , I I('I'/, I"'c';ilh",
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WENI)V WI" 1(' ,I" \','1/ II' (I' \'<1111' ill" (i1l'f1t.j
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WENI l\" 1\11',1", \" I{ II',/JI ,
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to the kitchen) RlOIAI\1 I I" , "",,1,/'1"/','TOM. ( )/\ , 1,'1\ I"k, ,, 11I1i!. 1" "\,, /,L'I's I;lke a look and see what happl'lInl'I'
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Ho w .lid iI' ,I/ 1'1" id! II/ .1 'oI"ldt'I' hllli'ol1l above?
RICHAIU 1 II /" '.1 1,1/111 ,III IVIl.
TOM. ()II ii', I'WI,
RICf-IA I{J ), 'I, '"
TOM. I,ikl' ,III ,Ill ,1/ ( :11" ( PAM. /.\ I" , (lKt
TOM. \XIt; II , "'('I, '" ', \V( 1/1111'" WI,i, II is good. It means your body is
respondillg. I )"' " "I :', h"" " ( /011/
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afinger into Richard's cut.)RICHAR/). Y(',,!
TOM. 01\.
TI'
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1.1:1 lilt; look at your eyes. RlCHAfU). 1."" ,, ',11'1".1 I"ddPAM. Yo II'I'''' l'~i ilL'd,
RlCHA1~f).
I'", do i"I', W ;IY lOll I":tny rhings at the same time.PAM. This di""('1.JiW;IY' !',1'I., ylIll cx('ilt.:d.
TOM. TIl t.: h ell II I " ('W, j, 111('1'1' \ 110 <,:oll<.:ussion. Just a big bump that's bkcdillg .1IIlI.
RICHAIU), Oh lillY. TOM. Yo" !lcl'd ,~lildIL',~,
RICHAf~/), (111 10)'.
TOM. W\· 1,111 do Ihi., ill "IC 1>:lIhroom.
PAM. SllOIJill"'I IYl' !',n III dl<: I'ospiul? (Tom helps Richard up and thq begin (0 l!'if/l
(dO
RICHA/([). TltlT" is SWill' s('J'iolis pain lip there, buddy.
TOM. Well, SOlllCt/lilig Icrrih/c jllS[ happened, Richard. You're bound to Il,('1 SOllie' p:lill. (lOll! tlnd Richard exit into the bathroom.
Ii
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i
wendy enters holding a large Ziploc bag filled with too much ice than
would be necessary for even the largest head.)
WENDY. The ice was frozen!
PAM. It's supposed to be.
WENDY. Together. I had to bang the tray thing on the counrer.
Why can't they fix that?
PAM. Maybe ir's toO difficult a problem to solve.
WENDY. Where'd they go?
PAM. Tom's going to stitch him in the bathroom.
WENDY. Oh. Good. Good. Sometimes I forget Tom has a skill.
PAM. I should learn how to stitch. (Wendy clutches the ice. A beat')
WENDY. I am feeling really mortal right now.
PAM. I'm glad you're OK.
WENDY. But am I? Really?
PAM. Did you get cut?
WENDY. Not lim·ally.
PAM. We have never had a pot fall down like thac before.
WENDY. Like a guillotine! I felt che wind in my hair. Poor Anne Boleyn.
PAM. I should check the Internec and see if there have been sim
ilar incidents wich thac rack.
WENDY. Oh, we all have a pot with our name on it somewhere
in the great abyss. Orbicing, menacing, making seemingly innocent
scew ...
Who knows when the POt will fall? Harder. Faster. Blam. The
end. Dented. Crushed. (Beat.) God, I want babies.
PAM. I want a better poc rack.
WENDY. Ic's what we're made for. We have had a special purpose
ever since chat sacred day. The day our reason for living became
known. Remember that, Pam?
PAM. Our desert solos?
WENDY. No, silly. Seventh grade.
PAM. Our charm bracelec business?
WENDY. Our periods, Pam. PAM. Oh.Oh.
WENDY. We bled! For the first cime! Together!
PAM. Yes, we did.
WENDY. Bloody and fresh. Just
like-PAM. I had forgotten about that.
WENDY. We became women chat night. On bunk beds, no less.
28
YOllr I""" 1.11110" I d,i'lk about chat every time I go to Tahoe.
PAM. 1111111'1 It IIII'llIl,n il: being a fun moment.
W I;,N 1)\ , II W;I·. (11',111 ii, I low long ago was your last?
P/\ M. ()II. 11,11 . I tlllll'l kIlOW, maybe a little
over-PA M :lilt I \XI I· N I '\. 'IIVO weeks ago?! (Wendy claps once.)
W I',NIIY. ", til "1/1" 1', Ih,' randem cycle after all these years! Sisfnho()d. 11111 1'., '1'Iit' lil',h, is green in the circle of life. Circle of
life. ( /1r'rll.)
PAM. I II:IVI' 1II I'.II1I I1 .lIt" :dltll if becoming a mother. WEN l }y, '1'1",\, 11.1 \lt· t·l'ltllII:lIs.
PAM. /\lIt'J' Ih.lI . I IV II II)' .lIl(lllr forgetting to put plastic in all the
sockets. NOI 1,lttlwi"I'. ",1,,·til('I' 10 put them to sleep on their back
or chcir SIOIII,I' II, IVIII, II i, it' Sllowing them inappropriate things.
Teachillg Ihl' lll til<' 111""11', k.ssotl.
WENDY. 11'11111)' . I." k wl\(lI l's h:ld your worries.
PAM. WII:iI :1111 I hllll f',I"l', .1 1,:1I.1y inro ' Will I be able to protect
them? Will thi" 1ll'.1 ",,,,,,ll.lIlIily: AIll I subjecting a new little soul
to unspeak:dl'" Ir,II"'·.!I'? Ik«'i,? IIt-'ra ya!?
WENDY. 'Itld, tit 1,, 1'.11 11,
PAM. Whar'
WENDY. That W:!.' 11.1111/(''.., • lode It'-' d('afening in my ears.
PAM. I don't hear it.
Noc mine. No, \'1'1, ,lIlyW,IY. I don', know, if it gets too late, we
can always adopt.
WENDY. W lw i.s til( ' poill' oi' Illarrying a handsome perfect scal
lion of a man iI Y(III\(, jllq going w buy a kid later on?
PAM. Love?
WENDY. 1'111 slIn: IZic":lrd wants to be a facher.
PAM. We've !t:IVCII't disUisseJ ic in a while.
WENDY. Ilc 1I1:IY have an opinion.
PAM. He rnight.
WENDY. Maybe you should ask him whac he thinks about his
idling legacy.
PAM. Goodness, you're putting a lot of pressure on me.
WENDY. Tom's barren. PAM. Oh.
WENDY. Every single sperm in his nucs is a retard.
PAM. I didn't know chat.
WENDY. How's that for irony. You wich the scallion and me stuck with che glue factOry. (Wendy stifles a tear. )
29
PAM. Wendy?
WENDY. (Beginning to cry.) Sorry. I'm sorry. It's only my future slipping away.
PAM. It's not slipping, there are many different ways
WENDY. (Crying.) I want my baby to come out of my vagina, and I want to know who was responsible for putting him there. I don't want it to be from some college kid who just needed the money for a keg. I want ... Oh Pam.
PAM. (Hugging wendy.) It's all right. Everything's going [Q be all
right.
WENDY. I want [Q be a mommy so bad!
PAM. Now I'm going to cry.
WENDY. Someone to call me Mommy. Mommy, I need some food.
PAM. Oh Wendy. You will. You will! WENDY. Hold my hand, Mommy.
PAM. We'll work this out. We can find a way.
WENDY. God God God if there was only some angel that could fly down and bless me. Give me that gift that would be the most wonderful gift anyone could ever give.
PAM. Yes, an angel would be wonderful.
WENDY. I am a lonely field horse, Pam. Sadly nibbling on hay. Dreaming that one day I might meet a kind, generous mare who happens to be horse-married to a prime, hoofing thoroughbred. And perhaps that generous mare doesn't want to be a mother her self and wouldn't mind unlocking the stable door and taking a long long trot to the mall, looking the other way so all the field horse's
dreams can come true. (Beat.) PAM. Yes.
WENDY. Someone who would understand. PAM. Mmm.
WENDY. Someone with unconditional love. PAM. Yes.
WENDY. Is there someone, out there in the world, who could be that good? (Blackout or crossfode to - )
30
Su:ne 3
11'1 ' 1'lltI'l (1 111 11 lilil/ i.f prcjlaring a needle and thread.
Ni,/,./,,/ " l,fflllC: li,/"II'lf),.1 Ol'! f7 toilet, focing out.
TOM. IlyolI IIIOW willie 1'111 doing this I could mess up. RICI-IAI \ I). I)011'1 111 1"\.~ "I',
TOM. '1'1](' .';Ii" 1](',\ 11.1 1',' In h(' precise 01 '
RICHAI\ I). I 1111~ 1 YOI!. TOM. 1[ 11Iig ili hml. RICHAI\[). I e ll! ukl' il.
TOM. I kIIOW. (liJiI/, ('dr,jit//)! '/1/(/ slowly, begins to stitch Richard's
head wound dll.l t'11. /1 /1/11/.1, /1/11 NidltlJd Loo/,s Li/ee he's taking it. He
begins to smile. )
RICHARD. Huh! TOM. You OK?
RICHARD. This (-ec/s like old limes. TOM. Yes it does.
RICHARD. Been ill these positions before. TOM. You had a lot of injuries.
RICHARD. Best team medic in the league: cuts, bruises, goal POSts denting my head. You healed them all.
TOM. I suppose I did.
RICHARD. You have a gift, buddy. TOM. It's a skill.
RICHARD. Tommy "The Hands." Must've been nice [Q Imow
you were good at something.
TOM. I guess it's what I was born [Q be.
RICHARD. Hey, I JUSt gOt sewn up by Tommy "The Hands! "
TOM. When 1was litde, I would always care for birds who hit our windows. I loved playing with gauze, walking around with a clip board, sewing rhings ... But it wasn't until high school that I knew what it all meanr. Nor unril the rCdITl. That rough, bruising team
... First aid IWCIIllt' my p;lssioll [hose seasons. RICHARD. 'I 'hose wen' good times.
TOM. It's why I 1)('( ;1I11(' ;1 donor.
,
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RICHARD. You, me, and a Iiule bit of blood..,
j
I'm jealous,I 'II', TOM. Of me?
I
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I" ' RICHARD. Of your focus. Your care. You don't stop umil theI
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wound is healed. I wish l had that kind of commitment. My mind . III ~jumps. Like a ball. Project to project, from sculpture to my novel
11
to food to .,.I don't think I'm able to just do one thing. (Beat')
TOM. Mmm.
RICHARD. I miss you. TOM. Oh, Richard.
RICHARD. I miss my buddy.
TOM. It's a shame we're all so busy now.
RICHARD. All the great times we've had together. Those nights. Those sleepovers. The newness of everything. Sharper, intense, life jumping, experimenting, let's try it all! What a feeling.
TOM. Good times.
RICHARD. We took life by the balls and we swallowed. TOM. Yes we did,
RICHARD. I love you, buddy. I love you so much. (Beat')
TOM. I love you tOO.
RICHARD. Never forget that. (Tom stops stitching.)
TOM. Richard.
RICHARD, Yeah, buddy? (Beat.)
TOM. I don't think we need to wrestle every time we see each other. RICHARD. You don't?
TOM. No.
RICHARD. Really?
TOM. Yes. (Beat')
RICHARD. You might beat me someday, TOM. I don't think so.
RICHARD. Stranger things have happened, buddy.
TOM. I will never beat you, Richard. At wrestling. And I'm OK with that. I'm willing to concede all future matches to you. You are
the stronger man. I'll put it in writing if you want. RICHARD. I thought yo u still liked the tussle.
,I .1 TOM. Not particularly.
1 RICHARD. You used to like it? Back in our prime? Right?
TOM. Sure.
RICHARD. And the prize. You liked it when I claimed my prize?
32
TOM. ()h (;od, YI·'. Hili. ~W'I'C adults now. We're married. We don't- dl) till' ... I'l j'lt' .I IIYllIor('.
M:I)rill' w(, 1:111 ,';Iop h:IVilig to prerend like it's a contest, some
silly rilll:" 10 ,\('l' who's SI J'CllIgn.
Alit! 1I1:lyl)(' YOII 1:111 Sioll sleeping with Wendy. (Beat')
RlCHAIZl) . .<)1) YOII kl10w :t1lOU[ rhat.
TOM. Y(': "1.
RICHAIU). Ilow 11)111'/
TOM. hll:1 while. (Ibid
RICl-JAIU). You sll( )lIld Il:Ivc said something. TOM. I SllOldd 11:IVl'.
RICHAIZI) . YOII SIl(lUI" have rold me it was bothering you. TOM. Ir was II:ml 10 hring lip.
RICHAI~[). Why?
TOM. Thes(' things :11'(' kll'll for me. (Beat.) So maybe you can stop doing (har.
RICHARD. Slcelling with your wife?
TOM. Yeah.
RICHARD. You're asking me to stop?
TOM. As yo ur friend. Your buddy. (Silence. Tom stitches.)
RICHARD. I don't get it.
TOM. That I don't like you sleeping RICHARD. Has this been pushing us apart? TOM.
Richard-RICHARD. Is this is why we only see each other once a year? TOM. There are lots of reasons
RICHARD. I'm feeling a big wall right now.
TOM. It's not a big deal. These things happen. It's a passion of the moment. Yearly. And you don't realize, in the moment, that you could be hurting someone. We all know each other, so well, we're friends, and I just thought if I asked you, now, you would stop. RICHARD. Why?
TOM. Ie's hurring me. RICHARD. Do something. TOM. I thought I was.
RICHARD. Really do something about it, Tom. Get angry. Be honest with your feelings.
TOM. Please, Richard.
RICHARD. I listen to my body. It tells me what to do, not the other way around. Pur me on a soccer field, and I want to be the
.
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best player on the grass. Show me meat and I want to make the most delicious dinner ever. Show me an attractive hole and I want
to fill it and fill it and fill it 'til I shoot. And I will. That's how God made me. That's my gift. (Reaching behind and trying to poke Tom in the gut.) What's your gut telling you, Tom?
TOM. I'm trying to be a rational, civilized human
RICHARD. This is not a "siLLy ritual!" This contest, this ritual is
life. Show me a consequence I can feel. You want me to stop sleep
ing with your wife? Wrestle me and win, Tom. Pin me down, get
on top, and fuck my asS. (Beat.)
TOM. OK. You're all stitched up. (Blackout or aossfade to - )
Scene 4
The great room. Wendy is in the middle ofperforming mini
malist reiki wode in the energy fields around Pam's shoulders
and neck.
WENDY. God, I wish it was prom night. One limo. Four souls.
Seven bottles of Korbel. Torsos out the sunroof, arms in the wind,
shouting with glee to every passerby: (Wistfully.) Whoop whoop.
Whoop whoop. Class of'88. (Beat.) YOI.1 know that if you ever, ever
needed anything, a kidney
PAM. Do you think I'm a good person?
WENDY. What did you say in your valedictorian speech?
PAM. You remember?
WENDY. "We have a basket." No. "We are all a basket? We are all
threads and we have to .. , to ... "
PAM. "We are all threads in one glorious basket. It's up to us to
make the - "
PAM and WENDY. "Best basket we can."
WENDY. 1cried when you said that. PAM. "United, we weave. Divided, we leak."
WENDY. You have so much love for people. Humankind. Me.
Pam, you are the most good person 1 know. PAM. I do have a lot of love here in me.
34
\VI '~N I )V, ( :"1 iI 'l ,,:,il Y. ,')clfl ',~SIlCS:;. An uncontrollable urge to share. PI\M, M:I)'\'\' ""1 lillie ,,"
WFNI »)" I )()Il', ,\ ,1), 11,:11'
PAM, No , 1',1111. ,1011'1 '.,Il' th:l!'.
Wl'~NI lV, 1),111', ,('11111(' tll:l1 Ill)' whole conception of you is a lie.
PAM, I d(lil" 1\' ,1111 10 tell ),Oll (har.
WEN I)y, '1'11< '11 <lOll""
PAM, No. Iklll!', I',()o<l i" who J :1111, WEN [) y, Prllv(' il.
PAM. W!,:It?
WENDY, YOII 11('('d 10 rl'pl'OVC il to ),ourself that you are who you
think you art;, 1)0 SOlllc,ilillg amazing, Right now. For me!
PAM, Mayhe I C: \11 help you, Wendy.
WENDY. YOli call ,
PAM. Help you hccom~' a llIorhcr.
WENDY. How, Pam?
PAM . Maybe I can, oh boy, maybe I can talk to Richard.
WENDY. Oh, Pam. Pam Pam Pam.
PAM. Maybe Richard can, you know .. . this is so weird.
WENDY. No. It's beautiful. Like Christmas.
PAM. I love Christmas. WENDY. Presents.
PAM. Goodness, I don't even know how it works, technically, how
one obtains the
WENDY. All he has to do is put his penis in me and ejaculate, Pam.
PAM. 0 K. Well, I guess I'll talk to Richard and see if he'd be willing.
WENDY. Oh, I'm pretty sure he is. (A beat. A shift in Pam.)
PAM. Can I, first, ask you one little thing? WENDY. Ask me, Pam. Ask me anything.
PAM. Have you, always, like always always been honest? With me?
WENDY. Oh sweetie, sweetie sweetness. (Beat.) What?
PAM. You are one of three people in this world that I can love
unconditionally, that unconditionally love me, that I know will
always be there, care for me ... tell me the truth.
WENDY. Mrnm.
PAM. I've (rusted yol.1.
WENDY.
or
cOllr.~e you Jo.PAM. I've (rllsln\:l1I OrtiS,
WENt )Y. 1\1', ' YOli dOllil,illl!" P:lIll? PAM. [l'cBlly .1011'1 W:1I11 (o!
WENDY. Lisren ro your gur! Lisren to your compassionare, basker weaving gur that makes you you. Whar's it telling you?
PAM. It's hungry, actually.
WENDY. For what, sweetie? For what?
PAM. A mushroom. Stuffed. I'd really like a stuffed mushroom.
(Beat')
WENDY. You do?
PAM. Yes.
WENDY. You've never wanted one before. PAM. I do roday. (Beat')
WENDY. No you don't. PAM. Yes I do. (Beat.)
WENDY. We ate them, Pam.
PAM. No, Wendy.
WENDY. We are them all.
PAM. How could you ... WENDY. We were very hungry.
PAM. You ... you lied.
WENDY. You weren't supposed ro know that. PAM. I can't brearhe. (Beat')
WENDY. Pam, I .. .
I should go. I should go right now.
PAM. How long? How many times? How could you
WENDY. (About to leave.) I'll get out ofyour life. You'll never have
co hear from me again.
PAM. Wait!
WENDY. OK, I'll stay for dinner. That lamb does smell roo amaz ing to miss. A last supper together, we'll finish the wine, perhaps a
brownie, a final awkward hug of farewell and then Richard and I
will drive east.
PAM. What?
WENDY. East east east into the valley! We'll be home by The
Daily Show. In bed by Conan. A beautiful baby by February. (Tom
and Richard enter.)
I
I RICHARD. I am the luckiesr man in the whole world. Why?
I
Because Tom has soft tender fingers that can stitch like a mother fucker. (Richard leans over, revealing a shaved area on the top o/his head and a large sewn wound. He polm it.) Good as new. Good as new.'ti
TOM. You shouldn't put any pressure on it.
1 1;1
\VENDY. Stop harping, he's just been hurt!
1
Jrl!
36TOM. ()Ilt' hlow Oil I k hcad could lead co a rapid deadly stroke.
WENDY. You ;lIId YOllr words.
PAM. WClldy, YOII C III'1. You Cln'r- RICHARD. (::111'( what?
WENDY. (:an'( W;li( (() cal!
PAM. No 110 no.
RICHARI). Shouldn't he roo long.
PAM'. How
WENDY. No talking. I AM SICK OF TALKING!
Only dan cing. Let's dance, everyone! (Wendy runs over to the
CD player.)
RICHARD. A dance before dinner? Oh I like that.
TOM. (To Pam.) Are you all right? (Loud music begins to play
Something late- '80s prom, like "Everybody Dance Now," by C+C Music
Factory or "J Feel for You" by Chaka Khan. * wendy runs to the middle
and starts grand, but not so elegant, moves.)
RICHARD. Look at that!
WENDY. It's prom again! Ha! It's prom again!
TOM. That's really loud.
WENDY. We're in the limo and drinking and laughing. RICHARD. Sweating and living. (A buzzer goes off)
TOM. We should turn that down. Pam, are you _
WENDY. The time of Our lives. The ... fucking ... time of our lives! Together! Richard, dance with me! (Pam runs into the kitchen.
Richard starts to dance with Wendy Tom looks uncomfortable, angry.
He walks up to the couple.)
TOM. May I cut in?
RICHARD. (Still dancing.) What did we JUSt talk about, buddy?
(Tom tries to dance his way in awkwardly. Richard bumps him away
A new anger grows in Tom.)
WENDY. Ha HA! I've still got it, don't l?
RICHARD. Oh yes you do.
WENDY. emon Richard, dance with me like a real man. (They are about to really grind when Tom screams and launches at Richard,
both foiling to the ground Tom is on top.)
RICHARD. Oh my goodness, Tom's gone wild! TOM. Srop humping Ill y wife!
RICHARD. YOl! gO! mc pinned. What are YOll gonna do?
'" Sec Spcci.d NOI!' Oil SIl II)'..' ,llId [{('I ordill!'..\ till ("opYliglll p;lg(",
