mr marmalade

M

R

.

E

by Noah Haidle

4M, 2W (doubling)

Lucy is a four-year-old girl with a very active imagination. Unfortunately, her imaginary friend Mr. Marmalade doesn't have much time for her. Not to mention he beats up his personal assistant, has a cocaine addiction, and

a penchant for pornography and very long dildos. Larry, her only real friend, is the youngest suicide attempt in the history of New Jersey. MR. MARMALADE is a savage black comedy about what it takes to grow up in these difficulr rimes.

exhilarating . .. alternately hilarious and heartbrea/~ing . .. through the alchemy ofHaidle's scintillating style" -The New Yorker "Haidle's fertile imagination has produced a world in which ... reality and fantas)! collide and intertwine ... [A} roller-coaster saga ... MR. MARMA­

LADE marks its author ... as a name to watch in the future. "

-The Los Angeles Times (Titus) "... slyly amusing, envelope-pushing ... Haidle has the courage ofhis convic­ tions, which he has demonstrated in a mature and accomplished play ... extraordinary . .. " -The Los Angeles Times (Miller) ''Haidle [has} an Albee-like bent for creating character capable of both /~ind­ ness and cruelty ... a poignant story [that} runs the gamut Fom hilarious to heartbreaking . .. " -The Orange County Register

..

Also by Noah Haidle

KITTY KITTY KITTY

ISBN 978·0-<l222-21 42-5

RAG AND BONE ₉₀₀₀₀

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DLE

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IV\ M

AT1STS

PLAY

SER

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C.

DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC. _{9 "780822"221425}

MlZ. MARMALADE (:0l'yrighL ~C) 2006, Noah Haidle

All Rights Reserved

t ~AlJ' I.I( IN: I'rokssiollals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of Mil. MARMAI.ADE is subject ro paymem ofa royalry. Ir is fully protected under II", < "I,)'ril,.llI laws of the United States of America, and of all coumries covered 1,1' dw 11I1<'I'n:tlional Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and dw 1('.'1 oj' ,he British Commonwealth), and of all coumries covered by the Pan­ AlI1cri(:l1l Copyright Convemion, the Universal Copyright Convemion, the Ikrll<' (:ol1vention, and of all coumries with which the United States has recipro­ (.,j < \, pyright relations. All rights, including professional/amateur stage rights, ",olioll picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, televi­ .,iOIl, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic repro­ duction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information srorage and retrieval sys­ Icrns and phorocopying, and the rights of translation imo foreign languages, are srricdy reserved. Particular emphasis is placed upon the matter of readings, per­ mission for which must be secured from the Author's agem in writing.

The English language srock and amateur stage performance rights in the United States, its terrirories, possessions and Canada for MR. MARMALADE are con­ trolled exclusively by DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., 440 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016. No professional or nonprofessional performance of Lhe Play may be given without obtaining in advance the written permission of DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., and paying the requisite fee.

Inquiries concerning all other rights should be addressed ro The Gersh Agency, 41 Madison Avenue, 33rd Floor, New York, NY 10010. Attn: John Buzzetti.

SPECIAL NOTE

Anyone receiving permission ro produce MR. MARMALADE is required ro give credit ro the Author as sole and exclusive Author of the Play on the tirie page of all programs distributed in connection with performances of the Play and in all instances in which the tide of the Play appears for purposes of advertising, publi­ cizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or a production thereof. The name of the Aurhor must appear on a separate line, in which no other name appears, immediately beneath the tide and in size of rype equal ro 50% of the size of the largest, most prominem letter used for the tide of the Play. No person, firm or emiry may receive credit larger or more prominem than that accorded the Aurhor. The following acknowledgments must appear on the tide page in all programs dis­ tributed in connection with performances of the Play:

MR. MARMALADE was originally produced by South Coast Repertory (David Emmes, Producing Artistic Direcror; Martin Benson, Artistic Direcror)

as part of the Seventh Annual Pacific Playwrights Festival on April 25, 2004.

The New York Premiere of MR. MARMALADE was produced in November 2005 by Roundabout Theatre Company,

Todd Haimes, Artistic Direcror.

2

MR. MARMALADE received its world premiere by South Coast Repertory (David Emmes, Producing Artistic Director; Martin Benson, Artistic Director) in Costa Mesa, California, opening on April 25, 2004. It was directed by Ethan McSweeny; the set design was by Rachel Hauck; the costume design was by Angela Balogh Calin; the lighting design was by Scott Zielinski; the sound design was by Michael Roth; the assistant director was Joshua N. Hsu; the dramaturg was Jerry Patch; the production manager was Tom Aberger; and the stage manager was Jamie A. Tucker. The cast was as follows:

I.t J( ~y ... . Eliza Pryor Nagel

Mit MARMALADE Glenn Fleshier

SnOI(ll;" SUNFLOWER Heidi Dippold

BRADI.FY Marc Vietor

I'~MILY ... .. Heidi Dippold

CEORGE, CACTUS,AMAN Larry Bates

1,ARRY Guilford Adams

M IZ, MARMAl.ADE was originally produced in New York City II)' IZ()IIII<l:Iholll Thc:ltre Company (Todd Haimes, Artistic I lilnlor), opcllillg Oil November 20, 2005. It was directed by rv1.idLI,·1 (;n'iV; the set design was by Allen Moyer; the costume dcsil'.'1 was by Constance Hoffman; the lighting design was by

Kevin Adams; the sound design was by Walter Trarbach and Tony

Smolenski IV; and the original music was by Michael Friedman. The cast was as follows:

I. U( ~Y ... Mamie Gummer M IZ. MA1ZMALADE ... Michael C. Hall S( )() KJI ':, EMILY, A SUNFLOWER ... Virginia Louise Smith ( ;F< lIZ.c ;E, A CACTUS, A MAN ... Michael Chernus I ,AIUZY ... Pablo Schreiber BJZADLEY ... ... David Costabile

Z.

SMITH REYNOLDS

U8RARV

WAKE FOREST UNIVERSITY

3

CHARACTERS

I lit Y Ii Yl.:ars old. Has a vivid imagination.

M I~. MARMALADE - Her imaginary friend. Dresses

11 i, c. Nl'vcr has any time for her.

,')<)( )KJE - Lucy's mom. Relies on men for more than

I lt9're good for.

EMILY - The babysitter. The first girl in her class to ger boobs.

GEORGE - Her boyfriend. A jock. Wears a letter jacket.

LARRY -

5

years old. Has bandages on his wrists. The youngest suicide attempt in the history of New Jersey. BRADLEY - Mr. Marmalade's personal assistant. Can sing like an angel.

A CACTUS and A SUNFLOWER - Talking plants.

A

MAN

-

A one-night stand.

PLACE

A living room in New Jersey.

TIME

Now.

MR.

E

I.

01:

TIlE STRAINED RELATIONSHIP OF LUCY

AN

I) II ER

IMAGINARY FRIEND MR. MARMALADE

II Living room in New jersey. Let's not get very naturaListic ahout it. More the suggestion ofa room than a room. Lucy is playing with Ken and Barbie. She wears a pink tutu in a state o(diJrepair. Barbie wears a tutu, too. Mr. Marmalade appears.

//1'; /11."') wi'lL dressed. Suit, briefcase, nice shoes.

MI

C

MAR M A I.A

D

E

.

Good evening.

I.l )( ;Y. I I houghr you weren't coming.

Mit MARMALADE. I carved out some time. I,l)( :Y. 'I'hirty minutes?

MR. MARMALADE. Ten. I,Ut Y That's not very many.

Mit MARMALADE. It's the best I could do. Next week will be

I,\,I I ('1 . I promise.

Ll

J

(

·Y. We'd bt..:rrer get started.

MIC MARMAI.ADE. What is it today?

Ll J( ~y. I loust:.

M Ie MAI~MALAOE. I see. (He opens his briefcase and whips out a

11'1/ ~rl. (;/lps. saucers, spoons.) Whenever you're ready.

l .lJ(

'Y.

(:()IJ1e down here. (He sits.) Would you like a cup of coffee?

Mit MARMALADE. Have we started?

1,l)C Y. Yes.

M It MARMALADE. I would love a cup of coffee. (She pours coffee.)

MR. MARMALADE. Black. (She puts sugar in the coffee. Gives him the cup.) I said black.

LUCY. Did you? I'm sorry. Would you like another cup?

MR. MARMALADE. Yes, please.

LUCY. Oh shoot, we juSt ran ouc Would you like me (0 brew

some more?

MR. MARMALADE. Don't worry about ic

LUCY. Are you sure?

MR. MARMALADE. Are you angry with me, Lucy?

LUCY. Why would I be angry with you, honey?

MR. MARMALADE. Not play angry. Real angry.

LUCY. I'm not angry. I just wish you weren't so busy.

MR. MARMALADE. So do

1.

I wish I could play with you all

night, but work is crazy right now.

LUCY. I know. I'm sorry. We'd better keep going. Not much time.

MR. MARMALADE. Okay.

LUCY. Would you like more coffee?

MR. MARMALADE. I thought we ran out.

LUCY. I have a fresh pot right here. Black?

MR. MARMALADE. Please. (She pours some coffee. He sips it')

LUCY. What do you think?

MR. MARMALADE. Delicious.

LUCY. It's a new blend I had flown in from Peru.

MR. MARMALADE. It's absolutely wonderful, Lucy.

LUCY. I'm so glad you're home from work. You have no idea how

lonely this house gets.

MR. MARMALADE. I can only imagine. It's so good (0 be home.

LUCY. Why don't you (Ouch me anymore?

SOOKIE. (Offstage.) Lucy!!!

MR. MARMALADE. What?

LUCY. You haven't touched me in weeks. Is there somebody else?

MR. MARMALADE. What? No. Don't be ridiculous.

LUCY. Someone at work? That new intern?

SOOKIE. (Offstage.) Lucy!? What are you doing, Lucy?

LUCY. I'm busy!!! (To Mr. Marmalade') Is there somebody else?

MR. MARMALADE. Of course not. How could you ask me such

a thing?

LUCY. You're at the office until the dead of nighc And when you

are home you barely even look at me, let alone lay a finger on me.

MR. MARMALADE. I'm tired when I get home. I'm exhausted. All

I can think of is going (0 sleep. I barely have the energy to shovel

6

I;J()J in my mouth.

1,\ lCY. Excuses, excuses.

Mit MARMALADE. I'm sorry. I'll do better. Cut back at work.

We'll rak(~ a vacation. Mexico. Cabo San Lucas. First class across

111(' hoard.

I,ll( :Y. Mexico' You promise?

M Ie M/\I~MALADE. I promise. (Sookie enters in a slip and high

/I,.d,', S/I(' mrri('J two dresses.) ';( )( )1(1\:.. Which olle?

I .ll( :V. MOil), 1'Ill hllsy,

s

<

K ) I\ II'~ . WIl.li :11\: yOll doing?

I lit :Y, Ml. M:llIll:liade just got home from the office and he has

III I"" ", III lil·,(-, Ilw minutes so I'd greatly appreciate it if you left us ."1,111 ,

;( It )1, 11',. 1kilo, Mr. Marmalade.

M

I

e M/\IZMALADE.

Hello, Mother.

U I(:v. ) Ie says hello.

S( )( )J( IE. '1(;1.1 him hello for me (00.

M Ie M /\ I~ M/\I./\DE. Such a nice woman, your mother.

..;( )OKII:,. Which dress should I wear?

I lIt V, I "Iillk il \ wry rude for YOll (0 barge in here when I have

'"IIII'oIl1y. YOII owe Mr. M;tnn:d;tde an apology. You know how pre­

; 1I1I 'i

I

d ..

~illi l'

L\

.

~( )UI,II~. MI , Mal'lllalaJc, rm very sorry.

Mit IVI/\RMALADE. Jr's not a problem at all. I adore the time I

,\ I'clld willi your rnothcr.

1.1 J( :Y. I k accl:p rs your apology. Begrudgingly, I might add.

,

S()O 1(1 E. Maybe Mr. Marmalade has a preference about which ,II'cs~ I w<.:ar.

M

Ie

'M/\I\M/\LADE. I prefer the red dress, although I imagine

11I':1 ,dU111I allylhing would look stunning on you.

I,Ut'Yo 11(' likes rhe red one.

:-'<)( )1\ IL~. Me 100. Thank you, Mr. Marmalade. (She kisses Lucy on

I/)r hMt! Imd ('.'K,'its.)

MI \. M/\I~M/\J.ADE. There's no need (0 thank me. I'm flattered d'LI\~hc holds my opinion in such high regard.

1.1Ie y. Where were we?

Ivl It MARMALADE. Mexico.

1,1 J( :V. That's right. Cabo San Lucas.

MIe MARMALADE. First class across the board. A huge white

hed with ostrich feather pillows. Men in tuxedos holding umbrel­

h~, 1<>1"I he Slill. . lop-shelf margaritas on the hotel veranda watching

lite slinset.

I .UCY. When can we go?

MR. MARMALADE. We'll go next month. Work will lighten up. LUCY You promise you're not cheating on me?

MR.

MARMALADE.

I

promise I'm not cheating on you.

LUCY You pinky swear?

MR. MARMALADE. I pinky swear. (They pinky swear.)

LUCY I knew you weren't. Oh, honey, I'm sorry I accused you of

that. I'm alone here all by myself night and day. My imagination

runs wild. You have no idea. (His beeper goes off It startles him.)

MR. MARMALADE. Oh shit, my beeper.

LUCY You're not going to go back to the office tonight, are you,

dear?

MR. MARMALADE. Not play beeper. My real beeper. LUCY No!!!

MR. MARMALADE. I have to go.

LUCY You said ten minutes.

MR. MARMALADE. I know I did. But I have to go.

LUCY When will I see you again?

MR. MARMALADE. Let me check my Blackberry. (Scrolls through

his Blackberry.) This week is terrible. I might have forry-five min­ utes on Thursday. Maybe we could do sushi. I'll have Bradley call you.

LUCY You said we'd do sushi last week.

MR. MARMALADE. I know I did. I'm sorry. (Kisses her on the

head.) I have to go. Goodbye. (He disappears.)

LUCY. Goodbye. (Sookie enters in the red dress.)

SOOKIE. What do you think? (She sashays.)

LUCY It's okay.

SOOKIE. What do you think, Mr. Marmalade? LUCY He's not here.

SOOKIE. Where is he?

LUCY. At the office. He's a very important man. I can't expect him

to spend his whole night here drinking coffee with me.

SOOKIE. Babysitter'll be here in half an hour. Can you hold

down the fort until then?

LUCY. Which one is it? SOOKIE. Emily. LUCY Ugggh.

SOOKIE. You like Emily.

8

I.l ICY. Nl

) I don'r. She smells like cigarettes. She only talks about

1,(" I )oyl fiend and her breasts coming in,

.'-iO( )I< I E. Emily is a very nice girl and you're going to have a good , i II Ie.

II )( :Y. J dOll" sec the point of having a babysitter at all.

.<.;( )( )I( It,:. I.ucy, you're four years old.

LUCY. I e lll take care of myself.

.'I

e)(

)

1\ /I ':. You're too young to take care of yourself.

I llC Y, WI,o .~; IY.~?

r., ( H ., 1\ II '.. I ,',.IY, ( '/11(' r./oorbell rings.) We'll have to discuss this later.

II"w ri ll I I""kf

I I J\ Y I;illl'

It l(11, 1

L.

III~ I lill(' or pretty good?

I I J( V, 111'11 tlllt".

( H 1I'd

I

~,

J 'kink YOll for your Support, Lucy. (Kisses her on the

/Jr'llf/.) N" TV :tnd in bed by nine o'clock. Do you hear me?

un

'

y

,

Y(.'~, Illa'am.

."i( )( ) /(1J ':. Cood night, dear. (She goes.)

J lJ( 'Yo

(;""d

nigh!.

(Fury

is alone.)

II.

OF THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN LUCY

AND EMILY THE BABYSITTER, DURING

WHICH THEY TALK ABOUT MR. MARMALADE

AND HIS DELINQUENT BEHAVIOR AND

HOW MEN ARE LIKE THAT IN GENERAL

UNLESS YOU KEEP THEM IN LINE

Emily

watches

TV eating a big bowl o/popcorn. Lucy

is

talk

ing

on

a

hairbrush lilu it's a cell phone.

LUCY.

(On phone.)

You're breaking up. No, I can hear you now.

Tonight? Nothing. Just hanging out. I've got a babysitter. I know,

can you believe it? No. She's okay. Kinda dumb. She smokes ciga­

rettes. Her clothes smell like cigarettes. I know, disgusting, right?

Teenagers. It's an awkward time, you're right. She's got a boyfriend.

Yeah. I don't know, I'll ask her. (To

Em

ily.)

Have you had sex with

your boyfriend yet?

EMILY. What?

LUCY.

(On phone.)

She's totally avoiding the question. Yeah. I bet

she has, too. She doesn't look like a virgin.

EMILY. Who are you talking to?

LUCY.

(On the

phone.)

Just a sec. (To

Emily.)

I'm on the phone.

Would you mind not interrupting? Thanks.

(On the phone.)

She

keeps interrupting. I know? Right? Mind your manners. I will tell

her that. You gotta go? Are you sure? Okay. No. I understand. Ciao.

(Hangs up the phon

e

.)

EMILY. Who were you talking to?

LUCY. No one you know.

EMILY. Was it Mr. Marmalade?

LUCY. How do you know Mr. Marmalade?

EMILY. We hang out all the time.

LUCY. You do not!

EMILY. We go to the mall and get our nails done.

10

1111 Y. M I. M:lI"IlIalade does not get his nails done!!!

11M!1

Y

.

(

:

l

,

i

ll

Ollt.

We

don't go to the mall. Your Mom told me d U"11 il ill l,

I I II

Y.

W iLlI'd :o,I, v ~ay' I' ,..111

Y

"I,'y". 1" ,\ .1 (kadbcar.

I \ II \ lit";. \l("I'Y bllsy. I-\c's a very important man.

I 1'.111 \'. 1)'"1'1 111:111("1" how important he is. He's gona make time I", \" "1

J lie Y 11(' \\'.'III ~ 10 Illake more time for me. Things are JUSt so

L iLlI)' Ii ,) H' /1 11". ° 11),.111 1I0W.

I f\ Ill' 1'. I) Iill)' II il'lId ( ;l:Olge used to say he was too busy to hang

1)1 11 Wid i 1111

j I

H'

W

I

, ,,

'd

yq ll do?

I ft. 111\ 1',1" 1'1'('.1 hooking up with him.

I III \. ' 11" ' 11 did II<' !t;,Vl: more time for you?

I ~Io ll V. \ elll h"ll c l" Iwlicvc he did.

I I j( \ . ·llhll ·... wh:1I I'll do.

H\

l

l

l

Y

.

1

'"

YOII , 'VI'II

hook

up with Mr. Marmalade? I I Jt \. I 1111 111.1 I .I <io 1'1\ 11 1V, 11 11 !!'1 )' 0 11 do 01 yllli dOIl't. 1 11t\

'

l

ll1

"l

d

ii

.

}'I\III " I, I " " I,dl( III l,ill1. I I h \ 11,)"\ ;,, •.,1",',' 111°,1.\, I. t\111 ' ('::"""1' "'('01,1101\1'. I !)I \

Nu

,

I' fylll ' I:jIlL. I've gul Illy own phone.

(She dials

her real cellphone')

I ll(

y

,

YI," .1011'1 I.: Vl:1l know his number.

I,'

M

il

Y

.

I

k

ll()

?

M I'. Marlllalade? It's Emily. Hey, what's up?

I I Ie V VIIII'I ~o 1101 takin g to him.

1' 1\ 111y

N

il

.

~hv\ right ht.:re. I know, she gets pretty annoying, ,I,,, 111 °1 1,1II

li

lt'

1'1,,"'1, lint hil1l~~~

1<1\111 \ ,\ 11(' loudly has a crush on you.

(Lucy is

grabbing for th

e

'1/'11/1

,

'. )

I llr \. ,'Sllilt IIP~~~

I do

no(~

1·' tvl[ 1V. SI\l' walliS to marry you and have your babies!

I \ 11'\', I do lIot!

(Lucy

grabs the cell phon

e.)

Hello? Mr. Marmalade?

M

I

Mol lll l:d;\lk?

PM

II Y. ! k rnllS( have hung up.

1.1 J( ~Y. You weren't talking to him.

I'~MII.Y. 1

totally

was.

LUCY. NO YOU WEREN'T!

EMILY. Okay. Chill out. I wasn't talking to Mr. Marmalade. Jesus. LUCY. You don't even know him.

EMILY. I've never met him, okay? LUCY. Okay.

EMILY. Jealousy is not attractive to men, Lucy. Trust me. (Silence.)

LUCY. Let's play Tea Party.

EMILY. I want to watch

Tv.

LUCY. I want to play Tea Party. EMILY. My show's on.

LUCY. It's on commercial.

EMILY. So I'm watching the commercial.

LUCY. What do you think my mom is paying you for? I want a Tea Party.

EMILY. All right, all right.

LUCY. Come down here. (She sits on the ground.)

LUCY. What kind of tea would you like? EMILY. What kind do you have?

LUCY. Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Green Tea, Darjeeling Oolong. EMILY. I don't know. Which one is good?

LUCY. I prefer Darjeeling Oolong. EMILY. I'll have the English Breakfast.

LUCY. Which is also excellent. (She pours imaginary water. Puts in

an imaginary tea bag.) How would you like it? I take mine with sugar

and milk.

EMILY. That sounds pretty good.

LUCY. Wonderful. (She adds sugar and milk. Hands it to Emily,

who tentatively sips.) Well?

EMILY. It's good. LUCY. Not too sweet?

EMILY. No, it's really good. Listen, I'm gonna go outside for a few minutes.

LUCY. But it's a tea party. (Emily chugs the rest of her imaginary

tea.)

EMILY. I finished my tea.

LUCY. But I made cucumber sandwiches.

EMILY. I'm sorry. I'm not very good at make-believe. LUCY. You're going to smoke a cigarette.

EMILY. I like a cigarette after a cup of tea. Why don't you invite Mr. Marmalade to your tea party?

LUCY. He's busy.

I " III 'y 1'111 ,\ h\ '~k i" :1 f~~w minutes, okay?

I III \ lli p, (h lli()' II'IIIII'S. flradley appears, unseen by Lucy. He's 'h}I,

J

(loIllly flA'r II II: M" rmalade. Nice suit. Shoes. Briefcase. He

I'll 11', ,1/1 Il/g 11I1,11'(llIilillfi .l'flllgiasses.) !WA l lI l,\' l ,il I Y.

iJ H \

(III, )' 11 ' 1 'll.I' 11! III", Bradley.

IIIU\

III

r

V

"II" ,v·

(

n,

,.

v

/';isJ on the cheek. Very adult-like.)

1

.1

11 \

W

I

ll

I[

,

II,

\'illI .I"illl', II\;rc? I wasn't expecting to hear from \'1111 liPid rill 1" '1".1 dll, wI·de

11111\111 I' ) 11\,

~l

ll

l

'

d,t1r

lias changed. Mr. M was hoping you 'HIII" I", IlL' ""~ Wt't lll" HI.

I, Ur \

I

'

,,!

I'r!!,

I}llJ\!J" li\', (bt, ,.11

1

'11' ,

I'll p~nciJ you in for brunch on Sunday.

LlI(\

I W!lf ill" 'Ji lllll)'. dOWIl for tea, would you like some?

fill \1 "1· \ 111.11 w,,,dd he delightful. Do you happen to have I I" " . Illig ( )")IIII!\(

I I H \ (Ir , " III M', (1(ll7rIIIY si ts. She pours the tea.) I'm afraid I'm

.II,

I,

",1'

IrI"dlk,

[IJI \I !I I' Y Ntl l',<)!,klll. J'v<.:gor somc. (He opens his briefcase and

It/I.', III' {'{If1!'1 it. ,," , II,.,dkv,

" ,, ,i lll~(" 110 IIl ll h \.T sa ndwiches?

!LJ

C\

\V,."I./ 1',,11 Iiltr IIIH'f

II0\ / II I \ \." I'll ,I ',!', (I I" IIIk eJ one. Eats') Nothing compliments

, ' ill' "I II I

1

;1"

,I l ll( III"I'el' s;)ndwich.

I II

't'

I 1\IIi,w WII,II Y(1I1 ',lll.:an.

IIltA I II I; V WJ1.11

Li

111 (; wOllld

be

convenient for you on Sunday?

I I ll Y " ")'III1IC would he fll1c. Why are you wearing sunglasses?

111" 1\ 1 \1 I'Y, I\,.( .III.~\: lIV rays are bad for your eyes. Haven't you

1" ".1'

I I II " . ll '" Ihlrlt 11111 , Bradley. III' \ 111 F~ WI, .,( l i lil C Oll Sunday? 11 11 ' ~ I'HIII ,

l\Jl \ 1 )1 I' Y, ( \\'I,ilil/g.) Sunday. Noon. Brunch with Lucy. Got it,

11'"11, \',," 1111'

II,

i,;

rca and the cucumber sandwich, bur I'd better

, I 1.,11

I

(

Ii'

11,

(.;

tlnicc. (She grabs Bradley's sunglasses. Bradley's got a

I /011 ,/'il/('I' III/til'l' his right eye.)

lJj(

V

.

( )IIIIIY Cod.

111i/\I)J FY, II's nothing.

1,1 I( 'Y, IJid 11<: do this?

LUCY. Bradley, did Mr. Marmalade hit you? ~ ilOiOlI "rll1 ' l~ .,1,'11"111 (II' r)l'('sslirc at work. BRADLEY. It was an accident. He didn't really mean to hit me. !l~1f I '

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B'ddlel' lil{(.:? Is he cute?

LUCY. Why did he hit you? 1)1' \ 111

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11",,1\ .,wllll! YOII should have seen me ten years ago.

BRADLEY. It was my fault. I forgot to pick up his dry cleaning, I~I

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,./""11 him. Bradley doesn't take care ofhimself. when I knew he had a very important dinner with a client. I knew _{UllAIJ II'\}

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_{Iii", ill rhe old days, but I try to stay fit.} he needed his gray suit. I forgot to pick it up. It was all my fault. I! M II,\ W IIoII

,I"

),,1 ', 1111'.111 he doesn't take care of himself? How LUCY. He hit you over the drycleaning. CiHl llt1 lill 1111111'1) Jll

u

,

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,1.~si.~la!1[ not take care of himself? BRADLEY. He's under so much pressure. You have no idea. II jC, 11\

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'I.Ivt IIl1tch sdf..csteem. He gets pushed around.

LUCY. That's no excuse. 101 \\ 11 " II,

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11111 f., i" lm y. That's only half the Story.

BRADLEY. You're not going to tell anyone, are yo u? 11.1 \ ~tl liilld~ 101 ,, '(' 11i{(' itt' .~hollid get a new boss and you

LUCY. I think I should. " , /I . \\, fll' JI' 1.

BRADLEY. No! You have to promise me you won't. Lucy, I can't _{i lOll,'" "q'} 1'\"11111

'

0

li!!,lm:n up at work soon. And then

lose this job. \ 1111 1 1'.I\tl I I/ '.,I~ I·"ill· hilllself the way he does all the time.

LUCY. There are things more important than your job, Bradley.

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lilli,", )',,". I.lllY, Goodbye. (He disappears.)

BRADLEY. Please, Lucy. I'm begging you. Please don't tell anyone.

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II I W.\,I )'.1111 age [ liked to play line. LUCY. I won't. But it's against my better judgment, Bradley. fin\\!

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1'0111 I' Ll)' lill<':?

BRADLEY. Thank you, Lucy. \ 1111 I fI~1 fltl ill .1 line

and

pretend to be waiting for some ..

LUCY. But if anything else happens to you, if he touches one hair ""111' I ld ," ,,, \V. lil III, til(' 11I1S. on your head I'm calling the police. I I h \ I/' I' tlllr""1'1 ,,,,""d vl: ry CUll. BRADLEY. It won't happen again. Things are going to calm I '" ~"" W,"II I.) II V il:

down. He won't be so stressed. I

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.

t.tl

LUCY. Give me a hug, Bradley. (Bradley hugs Lucy.) II", \' 'II 1'."1 hol,ill.j 111(' . (I!;C)' stand in a line.) What are BRADLEY. Well, gotta get back to work. (He puts on his sunglasses.) I " "'f' f",

You're on for brunch on Sunday at noon. ' I III J,( Iii I" :',

LUCY. Take care of yourself, Bradley. lit , \~, '"

.

,1 rill

'

IIiIS ... I:llioil. What bus are you waiting for?

BRADLEY. I will. II" ",,,"I'~' 1 ;.l'v,·n ,

LUCY. Bradley? 1'1 .. II ' I'. 110 11iiS IIll1nhc!' seven, Lucy.

BRADLEY. Yes. I'll," I J!.IWo\I, il '~ going to be a long wait.

LUCY. Did Mr. M mention anything about Mexico? Plane tickets? I .!"II·' Walll 1<1 hllrl your feelings, but you're not very

Hotel reservations? "",.1 "I 1111 (1 111' f/,I(II/N,I/ rings.)

BRADLEY. Not a thing. I tl' \

WI,,,

I~ lil.ll ?

LUCY. Oh. 1" 111 ' . II '. " I i1Ir.~· . Illy boyfi·iend.

BRADLEY. But sometimes he makes very important reservations U) f'\' 4•• " '1',1' I~II 'I .~lIpposcd to come over.

himself. I ~~ II I \ II ,'~ all "::ldy ovcr.

LUCY. I'm sure he's already taken care of it. (Emily enters. Doesn't I 11\ ,. Villi I W" .In: going to have sex!

see Bradley.) I _~ II I \ W,,'J(' going to do our math homework. (She puts on lip..

EMILY. Did Mr. Marmalade come for the tea party?

ii;.

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.

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/Ilith her hair.) How do I look? LUCY. No. It was his personal assistant. Bradley.

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EMILY. He sent his assistant? . I t.. 111

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.

()he tugs at her breasts, trying to make them look big..

BRADLEY. This is your babysitter? How grim.

.

,/

,

1

1,

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dr/orb"'l rings again.) Coming. I'm coming! (Opens the door. LUCY. Mr. Marmalade was too busy to come himself. He's under :(tJ/,~(' /Jrllll/ds in.)

,14 ₁₅

GEORGE. Hello, beautiful. (George gives her a big kiss. Bends her t

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I\IIi ,II~' I'I'\ ,~('III~'h()dy around. Somebody you can play backwards. Grabs her breasts')

EMILY. George!

GEORGE. Shut up, you love it. EMILY. The kid.

GEORGE. Oh shit. Hiya, kid. Lucy, right? (Lucy doesn't say any­

thing.) I got a surprise for you, Lucy. (Calling.) Larry!

EMILY. You brought Larry?

GEORGE. My folks are out playing bridge. I have to watch the stupid fucker. (Calling.) Larry! (Sheepishly Larry enters. He's five

years old.) Larry, Lucy. Lucy,

L~rry

.

(He

pic~s

up Emily and puts .her

over his shoulder.) Have fun, kids. (He carnes her off, Emzly shrzek­

ing in false protest.)

LUCY. Shut the door. It's cold. (Larry shuts the door gingerly.) I'm Lucy. LARRY. LUCY. LARRY. LUCY. LARRY. LUCY. LARRY. LUCY. fortable.

LARRY. You didn't make me feel uncomfortable. It was unfamil­

iar, that's all. There's a difference. (Larry kisses her on the cheek.)

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LUCY. Hey! (Larry walks around the room.) 1,U( .\

LARRY. This place is pretty nice.

1.

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LUCY. It's okay.

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.

LARRY. So you live here with your parents and everything?

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LUCY. It's just me and my mom. My dad, he divorced my mom I \11 \

when I was twO, or something. I \1 1 11'

LARRY. My parents are divorced, too. I ""

LUCY. Really? t \ 1/11\

LARRY. But my dad remarried. So I have a stepmom. And she had

I

I I I '

George from before so no,,": I have a stepmom and a stepbrother. Do I \ I' !I 'Ii

you have any ~r~thers or sisters? LUCY. No. Its Just me. LARRY. It's better that way. M LUCY. You don't like George? LARRY. George is an asshole.

ore time to yourself.

Yr II ",I. I I II \ I AIi II \', I, ll Y I.A IUtV, I'm Larry.

Nice to meet you, Larry. (She kisses him on the cheek.) What are you doing?

It's how people greet each other. In Europe maybe.

In New York, too.

Well I don't live either place. This is New Jersey. Fine. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel uncom­

11

W.\', lll<. l),.

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w .1I1 (0 start school.

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til. II '., 1*'lty cool.

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do il over. \VIII"

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I didn'r have enough friends.

\ .. ,,'11 !" uh,lllly make more friends next year.

I Ill d ~p y t lll just. then.

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!lot cool?

t~" ,; I i,\. ~hcn I said I di~n't have any friends - that part

I II ~I IILlI S lIot why they re making me repeat preschool.

W It.11 (. till' rcal rcason?

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brceny?

larceny. I,j\ IWY 11 '." ", lillg I() h,: rhe

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st

thing in the history ofAmerica.

LUCY. What'd you steal? . '

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world. I'm going to commit hara kari, like the

LARRY. A bank shaped like a bunny. It had a silt on Its head ,:lill1ll i, III 1"11.111. 11111 I'JI still have an open casket and there will be

berween the ears

~here

we put money in so at the end of the year

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( 'Iw,'(()s :llld choc.olate milk and everybody's going

we could have a pizza parry. But I stole the bunny bank and spent II) (;1) 1! lrI Willi.!' 1 Ilow grcat my life could have been. Will you cry?

all the money.

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.

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l'I'i L'1 ti( " "vvl}'hody else is.

LUCY. What happened to the pizza parry? I.UI~f" i II II y.

LARRY. It was cancelled. J \ Il llV, ' I h,H" ,dl y llil ( ':111 do. Try your best. That's what my

step-LUCY. What'd you spend the money on? Il lllll l I 1\

LARRY. Chocolate.

I

I II ,~ 1111 )'1111W.IIII I() play Doctor with me?

LUCY.

I

love chocolate!!!

l

\Ill" I " "11'1 IiIIco W. Ilow do you play?

LARRY. I ate so much I puked. I I)t , I, 1 , ,•.):. \ i ' "'I'(' IIlc patient and I'm the doctor. I examine

LUCY. I did that once, too. 1 '-'t~, I . '.r ;i I. w illi ~ ilil' IIlallcr.

LARRY. Anyway, that's the real reason I have to repeat preschool I \ 1 II' . 11,,1 I

10-'"

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and I just wanted to tell you the truth. (He takes offhis jacket.

we

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see bandages on his wrists') ,

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LUCY. What are those?

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LARRY. Bandages. I \ IUI'-, t /,}I

LUCY. What are they for? I III \ • I I" w 11."1 I going to examine you with your shirt on?

LARRY. Cuts.

J

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LUCY. How'd you get cuts on your wrists?

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(101.· II ../C

LARRY. That was the other reason I have to repeat preschool. I Lj\ I.~ I~' . /11'. ( I/,. Id'es it off)

tried to commit suicide. . ' . . I I I" \ , \X.'..'I '.ITIIIS (.0 be the problem?

LUCY. Oh. I've never known anyone who tried to commit sUICide. I \ I I I

r

Jl ll lli llg. I l<.:cI fine.

LARRY. Well now you do. I I. II , J'II Ill' .1!;.JiII, okay? What seems to be the problem?

LUCY. Cool. I \ 11f/\ tylvwll.·;I~ an: kindofsore.

LARRY. At the hospital they said I was the youngest suicidl I t Ie,\

n

...

llcol wklt's really the matter. Pretend.

attempt in the history of New Jersey. The nurses took my pictufi I \l,{}~\ I ''': 1'111 having chest pains.

and hung it in the lobby. 1_IJt,\ • I /1.,1 ~ V('''y serious. Let me listen to your heart.

LUCY. Why'd you try to commit suicide? . . , .1 1\I.tl\\ (" 1.1),. (l.ltcy listens to Larry's chest.)

LARRY. Everybody says, "Enjoy your childhood while It lasts, I \ it ~\', \ 0011 'I,ighl Il<.:ed a heart transplant. and I'm like, "I don't enjoy this a.t all." I'm ~ot suPP?sed to h.ave. I \. I,{.'~\ 1\ /1'''"1 Iransplant! .

care in the world and all I can thll1k about IS how miserable life H I I 't \ I 11 , VUII have health lI1surancel How much suffering there is in the world and how there doesn' I \ 1, ln '''/''1 Ih!l r I know of .

seem to be any reason for it. I figured if this is t?e carefree part 0 I I !~ "". "I'I .tI (":Iid there's nothing I can do. my life then I don't want to see the part of my li~e thats s~ppo~e: ' \I{I{' ,11111 I'~ dic.

to be hard. So one morning before preschool I slit my Wrists Wit, I I

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iii1.\1(.1 so. George's razor blade. But my stepmom found me. It's toO bad. ) \/I,

n

'''-II

.~( inks.

LUCY. Do you think you'll attempt suicide again? J I I( \. I \c.dlll care in this country. What are you gonna do?

LARRY. I don't know. I might. If! do, you can come to my funera I ,\ lun . W:III a sec. I do have health insurance. (He whips out an

LUCY. I've never been to a funeral before. Im/l" l/lfl ll '·(lId.)

I

11

:

1

LUCY. Wonderful! Let's get you that new heart. (They do a quick heart transplant.) How's that new heart?

LARRY. I don't have the chest pains anymore.

LUCY. You've made a complete recovery. Could you please slip off

your pants.

LARRY. What?

LUCY. I have to check something out. It's a pOst-surgery thing. LARRY. You gave me a heart transplant, Lucy, I don't see what my pants have to do with it.

LUCY. Call me Doctor, please. This is how you play, Larry. I'm the doctor and you're the patient. Take your pants off.

LARRY. Okay, okay. (He takes down his pants. He's wearing little boy underwear, prefiraMy red.)

LUCY. Cough. (Larry coughs. She puts her hand down his pants.) Cough. (Larry coughs.)

LARRY. Are you sure this is how you play Doctor?

LUCY. I'm sure.

LARRY. When I was in the hospital it wasn't like this.

LUCY. This is a private practice. (She takes her hand out of his pants.) I am finished with my examination. You seem to be in very good shape. I hope the heart transplant helps you live a long life. LARRY. Thank you, Doctor.

LUCY. Now we switch. Now you're the doctor and I'm the patient. (She lies down.)

LARRY. Okay.

LUCY. Doctor, I'm in pain. LARRY. Where does it hurt?

LUCY. Everywhere. You're going to have to examine me from head to toe. (Larry begins to examine her.)

I

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LESS MORE HARDSHIPS

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LL THEM THAT

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1111 the couch, lying down, wrapped up in a

"~j I JII( I' I (l11It/wl /.arry sleep. She brushes his hair with her

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1iI,It/fr)' "/'/'tars. He's on crutches. His arm is in a

llli,I' lit IlIi l' II{I(I Mack eyes. His nose is bleeding. He's in

.tll}

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ir looks like. III \111 1\ II"w.Oiddyou?

, I II ,

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III Ii Ih IPP<..'IH;d. We were playing Doctor­

,llf, 't 'ijl.\ Villi played Docrorwith him?

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y. And he's the sweetest boy. He tried to com­

iii •• ,II, "I, I" , ,Iihe' lie said there was no reason for all the suffering

.i ,I,. \" '," 1.(

Il ltl\ I!U~~ _{MI', Marmalade is not going to be pleased.} ,I

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II, _{,1"''',11', have} 10 know.

II jLJ\lll.it \ _{II. >}

IH!I::I right to know. Do you know why he sent me

I I" r"",dltJ opens his briefcase. Takes out a box ofchocolates

1tJ

,

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n il \! H "-' IIr w.lrw;d me ro bring you these.

/ 114 \ '1'''I "hll('~!

'III \I II I' Y ({,';Itl ill <'; card.

" i It \ I, ,,"'( rcad yet.

111 ,\ 1 II (o.V. 1'1/ I'<.:ad it. (Reading.) Dearest Lucy, My heart breaks

I" ~ I \' ',I , "'HI 1'111 away from you. All my love, Mr. M (Not reading.)

LUCY. You don't have to tell Mr. M., Bradley. I didn't tell anyone that he hit you.

BRADLEY. That was an accident.

LUCY. So was this. Please, Bradley. Pleeeeeeeaaase. BRADLEY. Fine. I won't tell him.

LUCY. Thank you, Bradley.

BRADLEY. But don't let it happen again. LUCY. It won't.

BRADLEY. Because Mr. Marmalade cares so much about you.

And my favorite part of this job is coming to see you. I would hate for that to change.

LUCY. I know. You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. BRADLEY. Good. I feel better. We all make mistakes. Everyone deserves a second chance.

LUCY. Thank you, Bradley.

BRADLEY. Mr. Marmalade was also wondering if he could

change brunch on Sunday to two o'clock. LUCY. Two o'clock is fine.

BRADLEY. Good. I'll pencil you in. (He pencils her in.) Well, I'd better be off. (He begins to wobble off)

I

I

LUCY. What happened to you, Bradley?

BRADLEY. Skiing accident.

I

I

LUCY. You don't look so good.

BRADLEY. You should see the tree I hit. LUCY. Are you sure everything's okay?

I

BRADLEY. Of course.

111 1 _{LUCY. You would tell me if it wasn't, right?}

BRADLEY. Of course I would, Lucy.

LUCY. Take care of yourself, Bradley.

BRADLEY. You too, Lucy. (He disappears. She waits for Larry to

wake up. He doesn't. She coughs. Nothing. She drops something on the

floor with a loud bang. Larry wakes up suddenly.)

LARRY. Hello. LUCY. Hello.

LARRY. Did you sleep?

LUCY. No.

LARRY. I slept like a baby. LUCY. You have to go.

LARRY. What?

LUCY. You have to leave now.

LARRY. Why?

22

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J 'jili d \~( ', JII" ,I I , ,1',(" I. i lid, il" "flIIII II dll['. wrong?

r

J'I !, III I I') pill iII . 1'111 sorry. You JUSt have to leave.

lill ""IY"

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lit g

, II ii/', /'111.1' on his clothes.) Can I see you again?

Nil _'

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IV,' ,I IIIIyfi'icllci or something?

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another minute. What were you saying?

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11111 III , './011 '1 know if I've ever even been happy before I"

1,[

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I

was saying

I

don't ever get lonely?

Il lr~

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1111 I,. ,I 10 1,

I IO i loilll'ly :111 rile time. Like always. Like for my whole life.

,oJ! _tl I II ".d III kill myself. But now, I'm not lonely. I'm happy. I ll• I. '1'P V wilh

you

too,

Larry.

., TI., II

wl

l.ll·~

I he problem? (Bradley appears on his crutches. It's

"i lit : 1111f ' 11 1,llnif line ofvision, because Larry could see him.)

11·\ "l/liplii.::iI <.:d. r~." II '.; '>i nlplc.

I "I

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Y"" don't understand what you're talking about. You ,,1 /,," I 'I\ln IlIlW, okay?

I. \/1/1\ \ "'i dfln', wam me to be your boyfriend? ~,J '" "", :;orry.

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No, I don't understand. But I'll go anyway.

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have played Doctor with you. I shouldn't have

23

led you on. 11 11\1/ WI'" VIill l' (i.II C ilp.~rairs? I, 1\ " jI"

LUCY. Yeah. See you at school. (He's gone.) Are you happy? LARRY. Yeah. Okay. Maybe I'll see you at school.

,

1'111"1,1 IWi •

.!

"

11­

BRADLEY. Don't be angry with me, Lucy. I'm juSt doing my job. _i·u IIl d 'Iii/III', til ui~~II.~s it with you, Lucy. LUCY. I'm not talking to you right now, Bradley. '.1 /1 , , 111>111 I .'" j l~...d 1'!'(lln. 1ion.

BRADLEY. Let's talk about it over a cup of tea. Do you have any tea? _{III \ II'!I'I, 11\ /lill I ():,\() ;llld I've got school in the morning.} LUCY. I'm fresh out. _{It I ,,'}

_li

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_{WI !il 1I11, (f! /" 11/,1/1/I,Ii"tie appears. He smokes a cigarette.}

BRADLEY. Maybe I have some. (He begins to open his brieftase but ,~)

Lucy slams it shut.) 'iJ II , ." t/d'.,'1

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lik" ;lllother half an hour?

LUCY. You should leave, Bradley. _i'lil ,1 11 1 I', I ,ll'

Y.

1 ( :111 '1. Tdl your mom she can pay me

BRADLEY. We have to get om stories straight, Lucy. Mr. Marmalade

is going to wonder where I've been and if om stories don't match up

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gor", J

I promise you I'll be in as much trouble as you are. Probably more. IAit.,~ I ' i AI )I ,,, CoOtI evening.

LUCY. Tell him the truth. I

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having brunch on Sunday.

BRADLEY. Don't be ridiculous. I'll tell him you weren't feeling

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_{I \ 1,/\ 1II :.}

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_{lime freed up tonighr. Thought I'd} well and that I made you some chicken soup. (George comes down

I,

'j' 1,\ Ii d1111 '\ IIlu)I.

the stairs, triumphant. Emily follows him.) I I I , I, I~ i" Wldl 111 1,;.

GEORGE. Come here, I need a babysitter. (He pinches her. She

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giggles.)

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I , 1111 , II's !I slirprisc, that's all.

BRADLEY. Okay, Lucy? Please. I \1'f\IAI AI )F. Bradky said you weren't feeling well. He

EMILY. Not in front of Lucy. • 00 ull )'1 '1\ II/'Ill (; c.hicken soup.

GEORGE. Hiya, Lucy. I Y, , , llI1 lt i f'",~IJ.) That's right. He did.

LUCY. Hello. ;"-11\141\1/\1/\1ll ~. You mind ifI sit?

BRADLEY. You weren't feeling well. I made you chicken soup.

II,

II.'

H'!I'~I ,

LUCY. (To Bradley) Fine.

~II\

_II

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_{I \ 1i\ I )E. Thanks. (He foils into the couch with a thud.)}

I GEORGE. Did you and Larry get along? ' Iii. I dill',',

III,

,,

(/rzkes offhis shoes.)

LUCY. Yes. He's a very sweet boy.

jilt

"

\\1,1', work?

I

GEORGE. Where is the little shitbird?

_tv!

_{\I'I\ I \ l /il)I':. l;lIcking nightmare. You have no idea.}

I

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I

I

LUCY. He left. 1' 1\, \ ' ''11 IltT ll drinking?

GEORGE. What do you mean he left?

_li

_t

~M

_I{

"

I

\

_1.

_/\

₍₎

_{E. I had a few after work to unwind. You}

LUCY. I asked him to leave and he left. Unlike some people. !

dd

i,!(' II 1"1\: I ('v('r worked a day in your life, BRADLEY. Mum's the word. Goodbye, Lucy. (Bradley disappears') J I I " i \ ,.,, 1.11\'1 kll ow.

GEORGE. You're fucking kidding me. ~ IJ

MA

_{1(" I'" I 1\ I} ) 1-'., No, you wouldn't.

LUCY. No. , I II _I! 1\', 1 '"1 11I:ld L' rhe reservations?

GEORGE. My parents are gonna fucking kill me. He's suicidal, 11\ i( r\ t \ I 1\ 1IF. Reservations for what?

you know. _{r" t\ I, ,." ( ../w San Lucas. First class across the board.}

LUCY. He was suicidal. He's not anymore.

_M

_,

_\

_{I( r\ I"I 1\ I) I':. No, I haven't made the reservations yet.}

EMILY. I'm sure he's fine, George. \,, \ .,1\ I"oi ng 1.0 have Bradley do it?

GEORGE. Fuck do you know about it? If there's anything wrong _{II '"}

_!\

_i

\11"

I

"

_{I AI )/ ':. Get off my ass, all right? Jesus. I just got here.} with him I'm gonna sue your ass, you little bitch. (He goes.) 10 i 111 1 I 'I II ', l; I! dOWJl and you just start nagging me about Mexico.

t'o.!l{ "IAltMAI AI >I'.. SIII(, we arc. I'll do it tomorrow, okay? (MI r1/lll/lI/tillflr upI'm

I,

it

IlIi

(:/i,

tl.re. Takes out a vialofcocaine. He cuts two

~I: /flil"

1\

ill

l

\

II./' II I

wenty-dollar

bill.)

U JL Y. M I. Marmalade, is that cocaine?

M Ie MARMAlADE. What? I'm sorry. You want some?

I.UCY. No. I don't want any cocaine.

MR. MARMALADE. Suit yourself

(He blows a line.)

You sure! This is some good shit.

LUCY. I'm sure.

(He

blows the second line.)

MR. MARMALADE. Hey, let's play House. "Hey honey, I'm home!"

LUCY. No.

MR. MARMALADE. That's when you say, "How was work?" LUCY. I don't want to play House with you.

MR. MARMALADE. And I say, "It sucked balls. But somebody's gotta fucking provide for this fucking family, you lazy bitch."

(Silence.)

You don't want to play House with me?

LUCY. Not like this.

MR. MARMALADE. What do you mean not like this? LUCY. When you're drunk and high.

MR. MARMALADE. What? Who's high? This is like a cup of cof­ fee. I don't even feel it. Hey, Lucy, I work twenty hours a day you know? I gotta stay alert.

LUCY. I'm still not playing.

MR. MARMALADE. Fuck that. I want to play House. LUCY. I won't play House with you.

MR. MARMALADE. Then let's play Doctor. Come here. My

prostate hurts. I might need surgery.

LUCY. I'm not going to play Doctor with you.

MR. MARMALADE. My prostate hurts.

LUCY. Get out!

MR. MARMALADE. Fine. I don't need this shit anyway.

(He

strug­

gles to stand up. He opens his briefi:ase the wrong way Everything folh

out. Filthy porno magazines, dildos, whips, drugs, maybe

an

injlatablt

blow-up doll with the mouth open for blowjobs.)

Oh shit.

(He gets

0 11

his hands and begins to pick up the magazines and dildos.)

These aren'1

even mine. I was just holding onto them for a friend. LUCY. Get out.

MR. MARMALADE. Okay, okay. Jesus Christ. So sorry to dis· turbo I'll see you at brunch on Sunday.

LUCY. No you won't.

26

lI e ll'l l'V~'11 1l1illC, I swear.

I", II, it Ih," " d rq )i:lccmenr of me?

11 111 1 J'II I1" W illi YOLl,

, I!II'. Thne's some­

'" ! , ~Irry?

11 _ !ilU It fll'

I II, I,!, I , ,1', III II. y, 1hI', "I,il. Whar's this

FII'l, cI.,,·;, 11,;11 mea)) he's five? " ,,1.1

I , "" '" II L',') t,;r:l'f.y here, Lucy. You're not going

j PIII.II,'1 III IIIIHillc)s lhere's always a compromise. I'll (U 1 back at work.

t

l

"

,

I )1'" I'll gel help for the drugs. Okay? Lucy? I'm

~

i

:11

totally willing to admit I have a drug problem. Okay? Twelve-step programs. Rehab. Just don't leave me.

LUCY. I'm sorry, Mr. Marmalade. MR. MARMALADE. You fucking cunt.

LUCY. You're high. You don't mean what you're saying.

MR. MARMALADE. News flash! I've been high since the begin­ ning, okay?

LUCY. I never meant to hurt you. (He hits her in the face. She falls to the ground. Her lip bleeds.)

MR. MARMALADE. You never meant to hurt me? (He spits 011

her. Larry appears.) Who the fuck is this? (She won't tell.) Answer

me, bitch. Who the fuck is this? LARRY. I'm Larry.

LUCY. Larry?

LARRY. I'll handle this, Lucy.

MR. MARMALADE. You're Larry. This is fucking Larry!!!

fl .

!lll nlf~ MI, M.lrl1laladc.

LARRY. Shut up, dude.

MR. MARMALADE. Fuck you, Larry. This is private. LARRY. You're leaving.

MR. MARMALADE. I'm not leaving. II:1"

LARRY. Yes you are.

MR. MARMALADE. Who's gonna make me? LARRY. I am.

MR. MARMALADE. You and what army? LARRY. Just me.

MR. MARMALADE. Fuck you, Larry. (Mr. Marmalade takes a

swing at Larry, but Larry dodges it, and quickly puts Mr. Marmalade into a very painful submission hold.)

LARRY. I'm a green belt in Brazilian Jujitsu. MR. MARMALADE. Easy, Larry.

LARRY. I can break your arm in five places.

MR. MARMALADE. Let's not do anything we're gonna regret, Larry.

LARRY. You think I'd regret kicking your ass?

MR. MARMALADE. There will be legal ramifications. That's all I'm saying, okay?

LARRY. You're leaving.

MR. MARMALADE. Owwwww. Fine. I'm leaving.

LARRY. And you're not allowed to come back. Do we understand each other, dude?

MR. MARMALADE. Loud and clear, Larry. Just let go of my arm.

28

29

IV;

01

:

WHAf

HAPPENED BETWEEN LUCY

AND

LARRY: ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT

SCENES IN THIS WHOLE PLAY

P'S. IT'S LATER THAT SAME NIGHT,

EVEN

THOUGH IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE THAT

YOUNG PEOPLE WOULD BE UP AT SUCH HOURS

Larry enters, He's wearing his dad's suit, It's much too bigfor him, He carries a child's record player with a handle,

LARRY. Honey, I'm home!

LUCY.

(Offtage.)

I'm in the kitchen, hon

e

y!

JUS( a

second

.

(He

turns on the record player. Greasy French romance musicplays. I suggest Yves Montand. He opens his suit and takes out a fJig btlK ofpotato chips, preferably Cool Ranch Doritos. He reaches into his sl"(.'IJ(' and takes out

one ofthose really long licorice ropes. Then anothcl: Mflybe anotho: In his pants are Gummi Bears, Popsicles, candy ('m ·s. sticles of gum, Twinkies, Ho-Hos, pork rinds, Funions, Oreos, Nut/u Butters, some EZ Cheese and Redi Whip whipped cream. It is ({ rornucopia ofjunk food. He is very proud ofhis dinneJ: wait. The last toud, is a single rose which he had somewhere in his pants. He cradles

it

t(, l1 fkrly and puts it in a vase. Lucy enters. She wears the dress her motiJf'r didn't pick and most ofher makeup, Lucy walks in high heels whith s/)(: doesn't know how to do.)

LARRY.

Close your

eyes

,

close

your eyes.

(Lucy dOH'S her eyes, Larry guides her to the table.)

Okay,

open 'em.

LUCY.

Oh my God!

LARRY. Dinner is

served

.

LUCY.

Larry!

Ie

'

s

beautiful.

LARRY.

Lee's

just

say 7-11

was

kind

to us.

LUCY.

It

looks

wonderful. Thank you so much. What should we

eat

first?

LARRY. First, a

tOasL

(He pults out some chocolate milk.)

30

LUCY.

(:hol o\.' H 111,\11\

LARRY.

~

hll 1.1\1101111\ (fli

11/'

·

,,1/"

I/ It! / 11'1' /i/"I' it was champagne,

over his ,,1'1" Ilr //'fl

/I,.,

111/1

lI,h,

Iii/' S/II'

,,

{)

r

/

~

in approval. Larry

pours

tUlII.fi'//.t

~/II\

If' 1 l

LUCY.

WIL'I ,II I WI I '-i l l~,i l il', i ll LARRY. 'I;, \..'\ 'I '" lt'~~ '

LUCY.

' 1(, 1\.'\'1 >1 11'

~~

((/'11'

,//IIl-

,

~

/

IH\r

'

(1/111

tI,.,,,I,.

)

Mmmmm

.

Good.

h\ll,!

LARRY. I

)1 ,1" ,,"'~

LUCY.

1.1'1'·" ,1\

1"

"

1"II i\N\tI'.1 ,'1, 1/111 II I' IJIIIIII I"Yf/,,,its'<y her chair.}

LARRY.

"J(lII I'

,1

,

.

,,\

",hi .',

;\'

I"'

\l

~

(I iii I' jl/ll (/111'(,.' (It: her chair.)

Sorry

,

lk.\I·, (i,lll I' lilli, ,H'tI 't) II" , 1111/1' '/lJd /1I111- i/ /llIlplr her.}

LUCY.

Th,I1I\' \ ' ; '.1

,

I.

1\

LARRY

My 1,1,,,,,,111, .II ([I, (I lill i' /l1I/flltl,

1

/1'

1

PrI/"T

/!I/lw! napkin

andputsilllll ,/,jl'

/"/1

J \\,'1' '1'1" 1'" (I ,l /II' / ,'1111//' IO/Ji.\ s('tJtand

/ 10

they both Im' '/II /lIllI l",f'

.

11/1,

I,II!I//llfkl _{,/111/ '.1/1, '!IVY ,'/IIP'"} r.l bit.)

LUCY.

( '.(\11\;\ yuH I""

.t

"

i l' \l h'iqt

LARRY. ()\,

ow ,I (I'" /Ioill, I

,It,

'

11,,/11,,\ )

LUCY.

'\'h.lId y"11

I

\;

::C

!~

,

LARRY.

M

y

I,ll

'

~

'I"

,II \I 11 ,/11 II /"1//11 'jJlII!"

./0'

'/

dJl'l'S1' into his

mouth. Nol /11 /IIII,I,i" . I 1/ , I'

1"'"'

I \i ,/II t' tII/dl,prd , ,'I'fI1I'l into her

mouth, )

LUCY

,

I I"IVI /,ill"\

~

'r.

,

\

1111'

,'

i

\\'

,

,\l ,1I

LARR

Y

.

\" Ii ,III, "

LUCY.

/

\,

I' yO Il "

'i

!

y

l

LARRY.

I till"l, ," .

LUCY.

I'll' 1"' II!I",\i

LARRY

_LUCY.

₁ I_1'.1\1 l' "lI_d, y' _{l \. ,' " " ill"}

_I

_,"",

till

d

\\~

11\1

Ihis

afternoon.

LARRY

.

1\ 1\ ",,\1 1' ",,,

LUCY.

_LARRY.

YUI"'! 1" /'

I,

'1·pr'

N\!. I II . \ Ii' \' 11" I", ,.-;iil

W

,

p,

I,,"1

(II :In; you

play preg­

nant'

LUCY

_LARRY

.

_. I'L,y I\)' 1"" "'

1)\1\ \V" III.l, tI"i 'II''''''' \'/1' ',11 1"'I'I,yl 1'111 going to

be

a

father.

\1 '/. ",1111. i II' II

LUCY

.

()I tl\llI'(\ i' \d"i'<;

LAR1ZY

.

'I'h,,\\ 1',1',\0 \

LUCY.

VI\l i

d..

\I', , ..",\111,\. ),,,,,',, I.,,:;dl), i..II'I'Y·

LAR1ZY.

()I I Pill \, I I" I, 'l'IIY

LUCY

.

I \wnW ,,', , I,ll "j " •• 1/", \"

E

dli

l .

"1Ii 1 1 , i "I'iI~"

I \\I~ n \' ''\ll tr , ll,j 1I'"'I,,'i~(" I hope. What are you thinking i l"',i Ii

I \II

i

iY

,

1.1,.,,', 1, lIow if":l baby is what we need right now, you

! ," '\\ I

.t.",

'

,

IlllClw if"

I'm

ready to be a father. You know, and I

d.,l l" 1.,"1\\1 Ii I r<;:llly wane to bring a child into this world in gen­ \' I.Ii, 1,'1 ,dOlll' HOW with you. I'm not very happy that I was born

.'11.1 01011'1 n:ally feel like I'm in the position to make anyone else go

lit rollgh this.

I,UCY. You're entitled to your opinion. But I'm going to have it

OIlC way or another.

LARRY. Fine, you know. That's your choice. I totally respect your

right to choose. LUCY. Good.

LARRY. Good. Could you pass the Oreos? LUCY. Here, (Gives Lany the Oreos,)

LARRY. Lucy? LUCY. Yes, what is it?

LARRY. Will you feel my head? I think I might have a fever. (She feels his head)

LUCY. You're fine.

LARRY. I think it might be my uterus,

LUCY. You don't have a uterus.

LARRY. Fine, I don't have a uterus. It's just that we don't play Doctor anymore.

LUCY. Now we're playing House.

LARRY. So when you play House you can't play Doctor?

LUCY. That's right. They are two very different games.

LARRY. That's stupid.

LUCY. Larry!

LARRY. What? That's ridiculous,

LUCY. Can we just enjoy our dinner that you worked so hard to ptovide?

LARRY. I stole all this food, Lucy.

LUCY. I don't know what you're talking about.

LARRY. You know I did. LUCY. I really don't.

LARRY. I'm not playing House anymore, (Lany turns offthe music,)

'

I

:

.

\ 1

LUCY. We were having such a wonderful time. We're pregnant

with our first child. What's the matter?

.1

1 LARRY. Nothing. (He eats,)

1

;II

I

'

t

32

LUCY. 1wish YOII 'tI :,.1), sllIlIo :d,illjJ,' ' [(-1\ me about work.

LARRY. 11 W:IS 11110>.

LUCY. It W:ISII't 100 h\\sv "

LARRY.

II'

was linl'. (/I (i/ellil' ,/lui II su.nflower appear. They can talk.)

CACTUS. I k\\o.

SUNFLOWI:.lZ. ( ::11\ Wl' CO!llC ill'

CACTUS. Ir's enid.

LARRY. Surc. COllie on in. Are you hungry?

CACTUS.

1'111

famished.

SUNFLOWER. Me too.

LUCY. Larry? What are those?

LARRY. Those are my imaginary friends.

LUCY. 1 thought it was going to be just you and me. We're play­ ing House_{LARRY. They} . _{can play House, (00. It's good to see you. How are}

you guys doing?

CACTUS. I'm hungry.

SUNFLOWER. I'm cold.

CACTUS. I'm hungry and cold.

SUNFLOWER. Me tOO.

CACTUS. Who's the skirt?

LARRY. That's Lucy. We're playing House.

CACTUS. She's hot.

SUNFLOWER. Good work, Larry.

LUCY. 1 can hear what you're saying.

CACTUS. Oh, Excuse me.

SUNFLOWER. Nice to meet you, Lucy. You have a beautiful

home.

CACTUS. It looks like a great spread.

LUCY. I suppose rhere's ICnollgh food. Even for uninvired guest's.

LARRY. I didn't l([lOw lhey wC'n: coming.

LUCY. ( ::111 I "IT,,\, )1 0\\ P\.IIII :' SOllie' ho(;o\:t( <: l\lill,?

CACTUS,

Yo

'~

'

I.k.,,!'. 1'111

v

~'

l

y

dli l'sl ),­

SUN I: U )W 1.1t. I 1",,'1' 1'1I'" ,,\..1 \ 1111111, (Si,l' /'11 //1 " till'//! !,IIBI"!

f

ll

chocoilltl' IlIilk,)

LU

C

Y

.

W II',tI ~\"1\oId IV' !I\\I·.[ 1' 1

CACTI \::-., 111,111

1.

,

\1

1

'

"

.0]\1\.11.

SUNI:I

~

'W I' lt 11. 1\'\ I. " ' I' ! I

"

Iil

i

l

.

(

1

/11)

1,

11

1

tI, lilk)

LUCY. 1\ 1111 wit II I ., tI, d., \ "" \'\ .111 . ,\ ..

r

r

1

/1

,.

/,/111111 r tll /i(T )'

1

m,

SUNI '.isi/'l'.):I

()W

\

1

1

~

.

I (1. \1

\

i

--

~

.

j

N

.

dil

'~

II

Il

\"

W

,1111 1 loIu l, .1 Ih.

~

I

III.

u