Attraction+Alchemy+-+Final

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THE ART OF CHARM PRESENTS:

BECOME A SOCIAL SCIENTIST

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Let Them Eat Cake

Before I begin, I want to welcome you to The Art of Charm Family, and congratulate you on taking the first step on your journey to an amazing social life!

The book you are about to read is divided into three - sections each designed to teach you the art and science of attraction through a different lens:

1. Part I: The Philosopher’s Stone - Understanding the Alchemist’s Mindsets For Attraction

2. Part II: Turning Lead Into Gold - The Alchemist’s Secret Formula for Attracting Anyone

3. Part III: The Elixir of Life - A Modern Tale of Attraction

In Part I, I break down how to use Attraction Alchemy to meet high quality

women, make friends and live the lifestyle you want. The very first step will be fleshing out the key mindsets necessary for social success. I will also break down the “Value Scale” - a tool that can be used on a daily basis to help you deal with the insecurities you encounter both within yourself and in the people you meet while out.

In Part II, I give you the “Interaction Map”, a step-by-step blueprint for going from complete stranger to deep rapport in record time.

I wrap up the book with Part III, which tells you a story that illustrates how all the pieces come together to form the alchemy of attraction.

As you read this book, you’re going to be introduced to four characters: Ryan, Brad, Doug and Adam. I want you to pay special attention to these characters, as they represent the four classic types of behavior that you will see regularly in life. You will see how these behaviors influence others, and how they help to create (or kill) attraction. You may see bits of each character in yourself or some of the people around you and that’s a good thing - because understanding these behaviors is key to mastering your social skills.

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H O W T O G E T T H E M O S T O U T O F T H I S B O O K

Although there is a lot of material here, the goal of this book is simple - to help you develop more confidence in your social skills. It’s no secret that confidence is one of the single most attractive qualities a man can possess, and it’s something that you can learn...if you follow the steps.

You see, developing social confidence is a process of applied knowledge, a positive attitude and lots and lots of practice. In order to help you visualize this path to success, I’d like to share with you the “CAKE” equation:

C A K E E Q U A T I O N

Confidence = Attitude + Knowledge + Experience

ATTITUDE

Attitude is a particular mindset. As you learn how to be confident, it’s important that you stay positive despite any mistakes, setbacks and failures. Attitude can be a very powerful thing. It’s your modus operandi, or way of seeing the world. Staying positive can open up the world for you. Negativity, on the other hand, will only hold you down. If you truly believe in something, you will act in a certain way no matter what your emotions or insecurities may be. Stay strong and trust the process.

KNOWLEDGE

This book will teach you everything you need to succeed in a social setting. For each type of social interaction, I will tell you what to expect and how to handle yourself accordingly. I break down the process of attraction into five phases and give you

techniques for navigating each phase.

The dynamics of social interaction are complex and sometimes difficult to understand. Stick to the plan I provide and trust the process. Play it responsibly and respectfully, and keep a good attitude. You won’t regret it.

EXPERIENCE

Whether you succeed or fail, there is always something you can gain from your experience. At the end of each chapter, I give you a list of exercises. Use them to strengthen your skills. Only through practice will you see progress.

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E V E R Y O N E M A K E S M I S T A K E S

As you put yourself out there, it is only natural that you will stumble. I am no exception. In fact, there is not much you can do to defeat me in the mistake department. I have made them all, and have many scrapes and bruises to prove it. But this is

actually one of the most important parts of the process. The difference between successful and unsuccessful people is that successful ones learn and grow from their mistakes. Do you?

Indeed, when it comes to practicing your skills, I want you to remember one thing: whether or not you feel your experience was a winning one or a losing one, there is always something you can gain from practicing the material in this book.

So the next time you make a mistake, ask yourself, “What two points can I take away from it that will help improve my chances the next time around?”

H A V E F U N

Kill the pessimistic attitude. Growing and challenging yourself should be fun. When you have fun, you have a far greater chance of success. Operating from an angry or frustrated place will hurt your progress. Not everything is going to go the way you want. But maintaining a positive, fun vibe will go a long way towards helping you get there.

It’s important to remember that being rejected is part of being social. Of course you are not going to succeed with each and every girl. So you didn’t get her number, but you did meet her friends. And you did make them giggle. And guess what? When you go to the same place next weekend, they will remember you. You are building familiarity and attraction simply by going out with your friends and staying positive even when it doesn’t go the way you want. Now the next time she sees you, she knows you, and this puts you way ahead of the other men in the bar.

You are not going to win them all. Each person is attracted to something different. It could be looks, confidence, or a sense of humor. Let me put it this way: you may be offering pizza when she is hungry for Chinese. Don’t try talking her into liking something she doesn’t want. Once you realize it may not be happening, go on about your business and create a fun evening for yourself and those around you. And who knows? She may look around, see everyone smiling and having a great time with you, and become intrigued. Accept that you are not everybody’s cup of tea. It is okay. In fact, it’s part of having a good attitude.

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Y O U A R E A L R E A D Y A T T R A C T I V E

There is always work to do on yourself. But, if you feel good about yourself, you are going to feel attractive. And when you feel attractive you are going to be attractive to others.

• Keep your body active; it’ll have a great effect on you both physically and mentally. Try weightlifting or running. You will feel most attractive when you exercise on a regular basis.

• Work on your career; it’s another way to build confidence. When you have success in one area of your life, it will spread to other areas of your life. A hard-fought promotion at work can easily give you the swagger and confidence to take a few shots at that cute redhead on the dance floor.

It is important that you have a positive view of yourself before you start the learning process. Put together a list of all your strong qualities. If you are having a hard time with this, ask close family and friends to help. This is essential in developing a healthy mindset.

I N T E R E S T E D P E O P L E A R E I N T E R E S T I N G

Your hobbies and interests are attractive no matter how nerdy you believe they might be. There is a fan and groupie for everything under the sun. Your passion for this or that is what separates you from everybody else. It defines you. It doesn’t matter if you’re into role-playing games, chess or debate clubs. There are women looking for you. In this age of internet technology, it is very easy to find people who share your interests. Just go to sites like Meetup.com or look up local groups on Facebook where you will find others with similar interests and hobbies. When you show your enthusiasm for the things you have going on in your life, you will attract like-minded people who you can bond with. This will also help later when we discuss the idea of creating a connection.

Get into you. Put a list together of all your interests and what things you have the most fun doing or want to do. If your list is full of things you would like to do, make an action plan today for checking some of those items off the list. Perhaps it’s time to get off the couch and start having some fun.

R E A L M E N A R E A S S E R T I V E

Be clear and assertive. It will speak volumes about your character. It shows confidence and decisiveness, two qualities that are very attractive to women.

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Attraction is natural. Do not feel bad about your intentions. Instead, act on them. When you see someone you like, introduce yourself. Tell her you’re interested. Most women are looking for a man who is able to lead and who knows what he wants. Think of a successful interaction as a car: you are the accelerator and she is the brake. If she likes you there will be forward movement, if she doesn’t, the car will slow down and eventually stop. If the car stops then she’s probably not that into you and you can move on.

Be Assertive: and you will not miss a window to move the interaction forward. This also allows her to play her role as a woman. When she feels like a woman, she feels sexy. And when she feels sexy, she feels good hanging out with you. This will benefit you greatly in your attempts at a successful interaction.

T H E V E R Y G O O D A N D T H E V E R Y B A D

When it comes to meeting people for the first time, they only remember the very good or the very bad. Everything else becomes blurred together. While you are out having fun, a woman will be approached by numerous men, especially if it’s a busy evening. If you were to go over and introduce yourself and it fizzled out then you would simply blur in with all the other guys - no harm, no foul. This is the norm. And it’s not at all a bad thing. If things do not go well one week, you’ll have another opportunity next week. Not only that -- she sort of remembers talking to you. She identifies you as one of the cool guys. You seem to be part of the scene. If you meet her again, she may even introduce you to her friends.

All results -- bad or good, win or lose -- will benefit you greatly. If things go badly, simply focus on what you can do next time to make it better. For example, let’s say you’ve never approached a stranger at a bar. For you, doing that is a huge victory. It might not be for a person who does this regularly, but who cares? This is about you.

Stay positive. Learn from your results. Apply the knowledge I provide in this book. Use it t o practice again and again so you can gain as much experience as possible. And remember to celebrate the small victories. Don’t judge yourself. Soon, you will see improvements. Things will start happening. It will, no doubt, be challenging, but the success you will gain from fully engaging in this book will change your life.

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PART I:

THE PHILOSOPHER’S

STONE

UNDERSTANDING THE ALCHEMIST’S

MINDSET FOR ATTRACTION

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You Don’t Know

What You Don’t

Know

“Whether or not you can never become great at something,

you can always become better at it.” - Neil deGrasse Tyson

Men often have a long list of things they think are “true” about themselves. They think that they’re no good at sports, or bad at painting, or awkward at socializing. But no matter what you think you can’t do, the real answer is just that you’ve never excelled at it until now.

The past is always prologue to where you’re standing right now. What you think you can’t do is just something you haven’t done until now. What you think you’re bad at is just something that you’ve struggled with in the past. The past is out of your control. How you proceed is not. The first way that you begin making positive change in your life is by accepting responsibility for your own future.

The best time to give up bad habits is 30 years ago. The second best time is right now.

This sounds scary at first, but really it’s liberating. Once you accept that

Superman isn’t going to fly down and save you, you realize that no one can change things for you but you. Rather than being frightening, this is empowering. It means that you have control over your life.

You determine your own future.

Y O U C A N M A S T E R S O C I A L S K I L L S

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that social skills can be learned in the first place. Still others recognize that social skills can be learned, but shy away from professional coaching to bring their game to the next level.

It’s not really debatable whether or not social skills can be learned. No one is born with social skills. Anyone who has ever spent time with a baby, toddler or most teenagers can attest to this. Social skills are mostly learned through trial and error. No matter how bad a person’s social skills might be, it’s sort of a miracle that they have any in the first place.

Think about evolution for a second. What natural advantages do humans and other primates have? We’re not all that strong compared to predator animals or even to a number of leaf eaters like elephants. We don’t have the claws of a tiger or the jaw of an alligator. The genius of evolution, however, has given us something far more powerful than any of those things: a highly evolved set of social skills. Without them it would’ve been impossible to build the first fire, never mind create some of the marvels of human civilization like the Chrysler Building, the Internet, or the International Space Station.

Some guys are just “born with it” -- which really means that they are exceptional learners. And you know what? Some guys are natural born artists. It doesn’t mean that the rest of us can’t or shouldn’t take art classes if it’s something that we enjoy and want to get better at it. Even natural born artists can benefit from the structure of a formal art program. What else is art school for?

Other guys know that social skills can be learned, but believe that’s for someone else. And I get that. Social skills are a very sensitive subject. It can be hard to admit that you need a bit of coaching to take your game to the next level. You can master social

skills and you don’t have to reinvent the wheel doing it.

The men I’ve seen run the gamut from having way worse social skills than you to having way better social skills than you. And I can comfortably say this without knowing anything about you. It’s a broad spectrum, but using the proven techniques in this book,

I’ve seen guys with bad social skills become guys with good social skills. I’ve seen guys with good social skills become guys with great social skills. And I’ve seen guys with great social skills become... well, nothing short of dangerous.

M O R E T H A N J U S T W O M E N

A lot of guys want to learn social skills so that they can be more proficient at picking up women. I’m not opposed to that. However, I have a “quality over quantity” approach to this question. I do want you going on more dates, but I also want you going

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on better dates with better women.

But honestly, if all you get out of this is a better way to get phone numbers, this book has not done its job. The social skills taught here have more benefits than that. For example:

• Corporate type guys working hard in the world of business trying to climb their way up the ladder will be able to play the all-important political game much more effectively. Leadership guru and Harvard Ph.D., Daniel Goleman, found emotional intelligence accounted for two-thirds of the effectiveness of business leaders, much more than their IQ or level of work experience. “Neutron” Jack Welch, long-time CEO of GE, said, “A leader’s intelligence has to have a strong emotional component... No doubt emotional intelligence is more rare than book smarts, but my experience says it is actually more important in the making of a leader. You just can’t ignore it.”

• If you’re in sales, the importance of social skills is undeniable - they are crucial in the creation, development, and maintenance of client relationships.

• Social skills are even critical in math- and science -based jobs, the last place you’d expect to find them in play. For example, when a manager at AT&T Bell Labs ranked his top-performing engineers, social savvy had more to do with his choices than IQ.

• Entrepreneurs probably don’t need to be told that social skills are the biggest thing that will make or break their success. If you want to meet the right people, secure funding, manage a team, and make smart hires, you’re going to need highly advanced social skills.

In short, if you want to be a leader - if you want to rise to the top of the pack - being good isn’t good enough. You need social intelligence.

Beyond work, a lot of adult men complain that they can’t make friends after a certain age and that their old friends just aren’t doing it for them in the same way. Or maybe they just moved to a new city and need to make some buddies for nights out on the town.

The social dynamics training that this book and The Art of Charm offers is useful for all social interactions - romantic, personal and professional. It’s all about recognizing different types of people, knowing how to deal with them, projecting and sharing your own confidence and -- of course -- getting what you want out of every interaction while simultaneously making the world a better place than you found it in.

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S P E C I A L N O T E F O R T H E B L A C K B E LT S

Some guys are, no doubt, saying to themselves “Who cares? I’m already good at that stuff.” Here’s what it comes down to: How you do anything is how you do everything. You can’t charm some of the people some of the time. You have to charm all of the people all of the time. The truly attractive men do just this and it’s why I recommend charming everyone you meet as a form of practice.

T W O C A S E S T U D I E S : T H E A L P H A M A L E V E R S U S

T H E S O C I A L A M B A S S A D O R

To further illustrate this point, I’m going to give you a case study in two different male archetypes: The Alpha Male and the Social Ambassador

Pickup Artists often aspire to be the “Alpha Male”. After all, he’s the top dog, the guy that gets all of the girls, the man that everyone wants to be. Right?

Well, maybe not…

Do me a favor and imagine the stereotypical Alpha Male. You probably know someone like him, and you almost definitely knew someone like him when you were in college. He’s loud, he’s obnoxious, and he’s aggressive. He drinks his own weight in Jaeger bombs every time he goes out. There’s always something wrong with women, especially ones that aren’t falling prey to his rather dubious “charms.” When it comes to men, they’re fine, but whatever they’re doing, he’s already done, and he’s done it more, faster, better, longer, whatever. Why anyone likes being around him is anyone’s guess. How he gets women back to his place is obvious: There’s never any shortage of women in this world with low self-esteem.

Now let’s talk about the “Social Ambassador”. In many ways, he’s the exact opposite of the Alpha Male. He’s confident. In fact, he’s so confident that he really doesn’t care what other people think about him. He’s not worried about looking cool, tough or “dominant” (he just wants to have a good time). He’s an affable, easy going, laidback sort of guy - the type of guy you’d chat with at a bar about the game. He’s quick to point out the accomplishments of others. He’s usually pretty darn successful in life, yet he’s humble and treats everyone around him with respect. Most importantly, he doesn’t “pick up” women - he’s a cool, social guy who naturally has romantic interests in his life.

Which would you rather be? Who do you think gets more and, more importantly,

better women in his life? Who do you think has the best parties, the coolest friends and

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It’s the Social Ambassador and it’s why he’s beloved by both women and men. Think about it! How many of your guy friends would love to chill out with a guy like this over a couple of beers? In an age where many people assume that powerful men are entitled, self-centered douche bags, the Social Ambassador is both a man’s man and a ladies’ man. It’s because he is confident, interested in building up those around him and has an ineffable quality we’ll talk about in the next chapter: Value.

I ’ M A W E S O M E , Y O U ’ R E A W E S O M E , H E ’ S

A W E S O M E

Whatever you want to get out of your social life, whether it’s meeting women, landing the perfect job or having an entourage of amazing friends, you do it one way: by being so totally awesome in every way that you never have to tell anyone how awesome you are, and by having so much awesome to spare that you can give it away to everyone around you.

The good news? You’re already almost there, champ.

T H E S E C R E T O F B E I N G A T T R A C T I V E

When I say that someone is attracted to you or that you’re attractive throughout this book, I mean it in a very specific way. What I mean is that there’s something about you that people like that causes them to want to get to know you better. It’s about time you learned a little secret about being attractive: It has very little to do with what you look like, what you wear, how much money you make, what you do for a living, how nice your apartment is or how much you paid for your car. Being attractive has everything to do with how you make other people feel.

Who do you want to be around? The awesome guy who makes you feel as awesome as he is or the not-so-awesome guy who wants to drag everyone else down to his level? As human beings we have a natural inclination to want to be around people who make us feel good about ourselves. When you become the guy that makes everyone feel like a million bucks, you’ve got the keys to the kingdom.

B E I N G A S O C I A L A M B A S S A D O R

But this isn’t about “feel good” talk or any other kind of cheap pseudo-therapy tricks. This is about applying a number of techniques and skills to become the best man that you can be. These skills apply to all areas of your social life, whether it’s talking to

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women, acing a job interview, or making friends after you move to a new city. How different is charming a woman back to your place for a night cap from charming your way into a job where you might not be the most qualified candidate? How hard is it to take skills used for chatting up women and use them to chat up a group of guys so that you aren’t spending the night alone at the bar?

Perhaps the best part of these skills is that they tend to build on one another. The better you are at talking to women, the better you are at chatting up potential bros. The better you are at talking to dudes, the better you are at charming your way into the best job you can imagine. The better you are at all of these things, the better your social life is and the better your overall life becomes.

T H E A R T O F C H A R M

The Art of Charm isn’t just the name of my company. It’s also what I, and everyone I work with, are seeking to teach you. Charm, like conversation, is a lost art. Back in the day, men weren’t just prized for their brawn or how much money they made; they were also celebrated for their charm.

Things might have changed since the 20s or the 60s, but one thing hasn’t: Charm is an indispensable part of being a real man. Not only does it open doors for you in friendship, romance, and business, charm also transforms you into a better man.

Charm is more than just having manners. In fact, manners and charm can sometimes come into conflict. While it’s never charming to be rude, it is sometimes charming to make an inappropriate joke or to verbally spar with someone. The key point is, you always want people to walk away from an interaction with you feeling good about themself and feeling good about you.

That is the art of charm.

A L W A Y S B E C H A R M I N G

It’s sort of an unofficial motto here at The Art of Charm: Always Be Charming. Charm everyone. The girl who rings you up at the grocery store. The little kid who loses his soccer ball. Your boss. Your girlfriend’s family. Anyone. Because practice makes perfect.

Charm isn’t just something that improves your life. It improves the lives of all those around you and makes the world a better place. Indeed, it’s one of the ways that we can be the change we want to see in the world. For example, if some douche starts

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making fun of you at a bar, you have two choices: 1. Be a douche back.

2. Be friendly.

Being a douche back does little more than lower you to his level. I’m pretty sure that being a douche isn’t on your list of life goals. Further, it makes him more of a douche, because he now has to one up you. On the other hand, if you respond by laughing at his “joke” and extending your hand for a handshake, you throw him off guard. He doesn’t know what to do. And believe me, fewer things will put a douche on his best behavior faster than giving him nothing but sugar and honey in response to his bottle of vinegar. I’ve seen this happen time and again. Some guy who hasn’t grown up much since he left high school makes a snide remark and one of my guys shoots a smile and a handshake back. Soon, the douche is buying shots and trying as hard as he can to be my guy’s best friend.

Charm works. Friendliness is far more effective than hostility. Cooperation beats out competition every time. Bringing a little extra light into the world might not save it, but it will make your corner of it an easier and more pleasurable place to live. That’s why at The Art of Charm we all strive to use every interaction we have to make the world a slightly better place. It might sound like a lot of work, but once you get in the habit, it will feel as natural as breathing.

Most of what you’re about to learn is stuff that just makes sense. You won’t need

me to convince you that it works. Try it out in the field and see what happens. No faith is required. I’m a scientist about this. You’re about to become your own personal social science experiment. Try my techniques, see what happens, then try them again and see what happens. Go into it with an open mind, no expectations and I’m confident that you’re going to be more than pleased with the results.

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P R E -T R A I N I N G Q U E ST I O N S

AN D E X P E R I M E N T S

1. Pay attention to guys at a bar talking to women. What do they do? Does it work? What are they doing that you’d like to emulate? What are they doing that you would never do?

2. Make a list of things you feel that you’re “just no good at.” Now start think-ing in terms of not bethink-ing good at these until now and ththink-ings that you can get better at with practice.

3. What characters in fiction, TV, and movies, do you feel that you are most like? Now what characters do you most want to be like? Think about why you think you’re like some characters and why you’d like to be like others. 4. Make a list of the obstacles in your life that you believe are holding you back.

Think of reasons that you don’t want to continue these behaviors. Frame your answers in a positive way that makes you want to do better rather than beating yourself up for not being “perfect” right now.

5. Think about why social skills are so important, both in your life and for hu-man beings in general. Now list five ways that your life would be significantly harder if you had no social skills. List another five ways that civilization would be impossible without highly developed social skills in all humans.

6. List five ways that charming total strangers can reap benefits.

7. Remember the last time you were out and some random stranger decided to be a douche. How did you react? How might you have reacted better?

8. Give a genuine compliment to five total strangers throughout the course of a day. How do they react? How do you feel when you do this?

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What Is Value?

There’s one concept that underpins everything we do at The Art of Charm: Value.

Indeed, the concept of value is the cornerstone of attraction: women find high-value men attractive, and they find low-high-value men unattractive.

In this next section, I’m going show you what value is and how to increase your own value. My clients tell me that this is their favorite part of my curriculum. So pay special attention.

W H A T M A K E S A M A N A T T R A C T I V E ?

I define attraction as “curiosity” or “interest” - it’s that initial feeling you have that makes you want to get to know someone better. It is not necessarily sexual, although it can be.

So given this definition, what makes a man attractive? What is it that sparks that initial interest that makes people (especially women) want to get to know you better?

Six pack abs? A $100K sports car? The sharpest wit in town?

Well, I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that looks, money and a strong sense of humor don’t matter (because they definitely help). What I will tell you is that they aren’t the most important thing.

After all, a homeless guy can be good looking, but most women wouldn’t find him “attractive”. There are tons of 90-year-old rich guys that no woman would go to bed with. Most stand-up comics are hilarious, but are rarely thought of as “sex symbols”.

Indeed, there is something else - an “X’ factor, if you will - that really makes a man attractive.

And what is this “X” factor? It’s not money, it’s not fame, it’s not even looks. It’s an

CHAPTER 2

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ineffable something that needs its own term.

VALUE

The dictionary defines value as “relative worth, merit or importance.” While that’s a good place to start, it doesn’t give the whole picture. Value, as I and The Art of Charm defines it, is essentially made up of two, interrelated components that combine to make a person’s overall value:

1. Inner Value: This is the sense of self-worth that any person has. It’s what you

think of yourself, whether or not you think you are a person of value and how you feel you fall into the overall social pecking order.

2. Social Value: This is the value that we give to others during an interaction. When

you impart value into someone, you are giving them social value. You have an unlimited supply of this to give away, however giving it away too freely can decrease your perceived inner value.

The way that you act, particularly around other people, shows what kind of value you have for yourself. Later in the book, I’m going to show you four different men representing four different types of value. These men act quite differently, in large part because their internal value causes them to try and gain social value in sometimes radically different ways. In watching how they act in a social setting, we get a few “do’s” and a whole lot of “don’ts.”

Most importantly, I’m going to show you how in every interaction a person is either adding value to, or taking value away from the interaction. People who have high value tend to add that value to the interaction. People with low value tend to take away from it, causing stress and anxiety in others. This is why confidence and other high-value attitudes are attractive to everyone - they not only bring something to every interaction we have, they also make us feel at ease by subconsciously telling us that it’s OK to have a good time.

While men with high value come to an interaction with value to give away, men with low value try to beg, borrow and steal it any way that they can. This causes them to look for approval and acceptance from others. Indeed, giving social value is largely the act of giving attention, acceptance and approval to another person. Those who look for attention, acceptance and approval from others are generally perceived as awkward and uncomfortable to be around. Conversely, those who give away attention, acceptance and approval to others are seen as fun and exciting.

Men who feel that they have low value don’t all behave in the same way, though. Some men try to compensate for the value they feel is lacking by trying to

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beg it off others. These types of guys often try to get others to tell them that they like them, or else they just avoid social interaction entirely so as to not lose any more value. Other men think that they get value by bragging about their various and sundry accomplishments. And still others think they obtain value by cutting down others.

None of these work, however, because other people intuitively recognize that these are signs of low internal value. Further, they make a person dreadful to be around. Think about it: How much do you like being around a braggart, a guy who always has to one-up your stories, a guy who is always cutting other people down, or a guy who is always begging you to tell him how much you like him? Yet these are the ways that most men go about getting social value, whether they realize it or not.

Contrast this with the high-value person. He doesn’t need others to give him value. He knows that he has all the internal value that he needs and is happily willing to give some out to people who don’t think they have any. It’s not so much that he likes

pleasing other people as he likes living in a world with lots of interesting, self-assured

people. “The more the merrier” is the motto of the high-value man, who understands that he has an unlimited supply of internal value -- and so would everyone else if they just knew how to tap into it.

How does the high-value man give social value? The bottom line is that he makes others feel good. He can do this by complimenting them, or by listening to what they’re saying, or in a million other ways that convey interest and acknowledgement.

Low-value men also give compliments, listen and show interest. However, in many cases this can be for the purposes of gaining value for themselves, not giving it away to other people. Body language and tonality go a long way toward making the difference between being a value philanthropist and a value beggar. I’m going to show you how to be the former throughout the course of this book.

H O W T O B E C O M E A H I G H V A L U E M A N

There are two complementary ways to increase your social value and become a high-value man.

1. Increase your actual social value. You do this by making new friends, dating beautiful women, mingling with high-value people, throwing unforgettable parties and living a life others envy. This is the longer, more difficult path but provides the greatest benefit.

2. Increasing your perceived social value. This is the focus of this book and the best

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doing it all the time. It’s not sustainable over the long term - eventually you’re going to have to actually increase your social value - but it does get the ball rolling.

T H E V A L U E S C A L E

The main way to understand value is through what I call the “Value Scale”. The Value Scale is a model I use to talk about how people with different value levels act in the same situation. At the end of this book you’re going to be following four men on a night out at the bar. These guys are archetypes. They act in deliberately caricatured fashion to help you grasp what behaviors are associated with each type of value.

Most people fall along different places on the Value Scale at different points during their life. In fact, in a given day, most people might find themselves in many different places on the Value Scale. Still, you’ll probably find that you identify with one place on the Value Scale more than others.

When reading anything about the Value Scale, it’s important not to be

judgmental. Remember, the ability to recognize behaviors that you no longer want to engage in is the name of the game, and the place where lasting, meaningful change begins. Your ability to recognize these behaviors in yourself automatically means that you are not, repeat not, “that guy”.

T H E F O U R A R C H E T Y P E S O F V A L U E

Supplicative: Ryan

The first one we will be dealing with is a supplicative value. It is considered

the lowest of the values. A supplicative person generally looks for value because they don’t feel very good about themselves. They look for others to give them attention, approval and acceptance.

The body language and tonality of a supplicative person is inward. This means they might look and sound small. The head will be down, the arms crossed, the voice soft. This type of personality generally won’t be taking up much space and will be on the quiet side.

Combative: Brad

The second value we will be discussing is a combative value. A combative

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behavior looks and begs for value the combative behavior is aggressive and looks to take value from others.

The body language and tonality of a combative person is generally outward. They might overcompensate by taking up too much space and being overly loud so everyone knows they are in the room. They brag incessantly and look to take value from others by putting others down around them. The more people are walking on eggshells around them or are afraid of them, the better they feel about themselves.

Competitive: Doug

The third value is competitive. He is the one-upper kind of guy. At first

glance he might seem like an OK kind of guy. Then you start speaking to him and it seems like he always wants to top everybody. He’s not much of a listener; he’s just waiting for his turn to talk.

The body language and tonality of a competitive guy is nothing noticeable. He usually has some aspect of his life supplying the value he needs to be

a rather laidback person. Perhaps his job or hobby gives him the external confidence. He needs to relax and find an internal source of value.

Cooperative: Adam

The last and highest value we will be discussing is the cooperative value.

Rather than looking for value from other people, the cooperative person realizes that he has all the value he needs. In fact, he can see his value on a daily basis when he gives, rather than seeks to take, value from others. When he gives attention, approval and acceptance to others, the cooperative person sees how they react, he understands how good it allows others to feel, and he knows how good is allows him to feel. The best part about this is that when he is practicing this cooperative attitude, he sees how others go out of their way to give value back.

The body language and tonality of a cooperative guy is one of confidence and in-the-moment flair. Head is up, shoulders are usually down and back with a relaxed feel. There is no need to overcompensate. This guy knows how to go with the flow.

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E X P E R I M E N T S

1. Spend a night out. Take stock of different behaviors you have and where you think they fall on the value scale. Don’t berate or judge. Just objectively note the information.

2. On another night out, try and notice the different value scale archetypes. Pay special attention to Adam. What does he do? Why are people so keen to be around him? At the same time, don’t ignore the other people lower on the value scale. Why do people avoid these types?

3. Try and emulate any of the four archetypes I’ve described for an evening. Pick one that isn’t “you.” How does your behavior follow your thinking? How does your thinking follow your behavior?

4. Now spend a night out being as Adam as possible. Consider yourself the social expert in all areas, whether you actually are or not. How does thinking like Adam make you act more like him?

5. Before you head out for the evening, spend 15 to 20 minutes visualizing the perfect night out. Do this every time that you go out for a month. Note any significant results.

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PART II:

Turning Lead Into

Gold

THE ALCHEMIST’S SECRET FORMULA FOR

ATTRACTING ANYONE

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Chapter Three: The

Process

Every trade has a set of best practices used by professionals. These practices aren’t arbitrary. They’re used for the purpose of getting maximum results using the most efficient techniques. They exist so that each successive generation of tradesmen doesn’t have to reinvent the wheel.

I, along with my colleagues at The Art of Charm, teach something we call “The Process of Interaction” or “Process.” It’s basically a set of best practices for social interaction. You can use it when you’re trying to talk to a woman at the bar, or get a guy to be your gym buddy, or make a deal with a business owner.

No matter what you’re trying to do, the process provides a map, a way for you to navigate the social interaction by breaking it down into the following phases:

• Approach • Banter • Qualification • Rapport • Closing

I’ve got a chapter dedicated to each phase, so I won’t get too in depth here. For now, I’ll give you basics so that you can see how the process will take you from meeting a total stranger to getting what you want from the interaction.

Approach is when she first sees you, not the other way around. She notices you

the moment you enter the bar. It’s why I place such a strong emphasis on “acting as if.” Act as if you are the attractive, confident type of man that she wants to talk to.

Banter begins when you first start talking to her. It’s light, playful conversation

that is content free. The back and forth interaction of banter will intrigue her and create

CHAPTER 3

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that “spark” of attraction that women love.

Qualification is when you let her know she has your interest, and that you want

to find out more. This makes her feel good about herself, alleviating any anxiety or fear of rejection that she might feel, and making her comfortable enough to move to the next phase.

Rapport often begins with small talk. What do you like about your job? Do

you like where you grew up? The discussion eventually graduates to more intimate conversation. Tell me about your childhood? Regardless, rapport is more “real” and less “silly” than the banter stage.

Closing is when you try and achieve your goal. At this point, you let her know

what you’re after and start doing and saying things to get her to give you what you want. In a sense, you are doing this throughout the entire process, but it becomes much more focused here. This is when you seal the deal and get the phone number.

W H Y N O T S T A R T W I T H Q U A L I F I C A T I O N ?

There’s a good chance you’ve seen this guy at some point in your life. He approaches a woman at the bar and starts telling her how beautiful she is, how much he likes her hair or what she’s wearing, or whatever. The woman might be flattered, but she probably isn’t all that interested. She’s already seen all his cards, and they don’t look promising.

People like praise, but random, unwarranted praise can impact the interaction in a very negative way. More often than not, it comes off as insincere or signals an ulterior motive. To a woman, you will seem like a guy who is just trying to “score.” In the worst-case scenario, you appear menacing and aggressive, or far too eager to please, both of which are signs of low value.

Bear in mind, your praise holds little value if given too easily. People do not value that which they have not earned. Remember when you were a kid and you worked really hard to save up and buy something with your own money? How much more did you love that when compared to the stuff your parents got you for Christmas? Freely given praise won’t mean much to the recipient - and neither will you.

By the way… if a woman qualifies you right away, feel free to qualify her back, but tread lightly. The types of men who freely give praise and the types of women who freely give praise aren’t all that different - they’re frequently low value.

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W H Y N O T S T A R T W I T H R A P P O R T ?

Imagine you’re standing at a bar and someone comes up to you asking all manner of personal questions. You don’t know this guy or anything about him. But he wants to know everything about you: what you do, where you live, what your childhood was like, how you got to this bar, and what you plan on doing after the bar closes. How on edge would that make you feel?

In short, this is the biggest mistake guys make in a social setting. Even though the questions - generally about work, family or living situation - are relatively innocuous, they’re still very personal. You’re essentially bombarding a person with demands for private information in the first thirty seconds after you meet. Even if she is content to answer your questions (and don’t take that as a given), you’re probably creating immense anxiety with your inquiries. This will make establishing a meaningful connection all the more difficult. If you are looking to chat up women, starting with rapport carries the risk of putting you into the “friend zone,” a place to be avoided at all costs. This is because you are acting as if you’re a friend, asking questions and making conversation that establishes empathy. In fact, the model for rapport is friendship. You’re being the guy who is understanding, sympathetic and who relates to her on an emotional level. You run the risk of making yourself seem like the type of “nice guy” she can call to complain about her boyfriend troubles. Unless that’s what you’re aiming for, don’t start with Rapport.

W H Y N O T S T A R T W I T H C L O S I N G ?

Think of a man who skips past the appetizer and the entrée, and moves straight to dessert. That’s the kind of man who starts with closing. It’s not sound nutrition, nor is it sound social dynamics.

Let’s stay you start making out with a girl or getting into some hot and heavy dancing. It’s very likely that her girlfriends will start talking, wondering what she’s doing with that strange guy (that’s you). By rapidly escalating and not taking the time to release some tension with banter, she may feel like you are only physically into her and not worth her time beyond one evening.

Starting with your close will never get you the quality network of people that you’re looking for. At best, it’s going to get you a network of very shallow, superficial people. At worst, you’ll come across as superficial to everyone you meet. Remember, the important part of any interaction is to add value. When you go right for the

touchdown without even lining up the play, not only are you doomed for failure, but you’re also not adding value.

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E X E R C I S E S : T H E P R O C E SS

1. Go out to a bar, club, picnic or another social setting you feel comfortable in. Try initiating different interactions using each of the five phases in the pro-cess. Note the results.

2. Reflect on the last time you went out to meet women before reading this book. Where did you most often start in the process? What other phases of the process did you use? Did you go in order? What were the results?

3. Take a piece of notebook paper. Write as much as you can about where you normally start in the process, what order you usually go through, and which areas of the process you are stronger at. Write out how you think going through the process in order will help you to achieve more of your social goals.

4. Focus on how the process plays out in a single interaction. Put that interaction under the microscope and break it apart in a manner similar to the third ex-ercise.

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Attraction and

Approach

Madison Avenue didn’t lie: You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Pass muster and you’re sailing much smoother waters. Fumble and you might never earn the other person’s interest, trust or respect.

But you knew that already. You’ve seen the guys who have women, buddies and bosses eating out of their palms. How do they do it? How do they make themselves so damn attractive?

The answer is simple. These men have figured out how to make a great first impression. And this is what approach is all about. Anytime these men approach another person, they project the following:

• Positive Energy • Social Presence • Confidence

These are the three key things that will help you make a great impression. Master them, and soon, you too will have women, buddies and bosses eating from the palm of your hand.

T H E S P A R K O F A T T R A C T I O N

So what exactly is attraction? In science, attraction is when one thing is drawn to another, like a magnet to steel. Attraction can also describe the way one person is drawn to another person. When someone is attracted to you, it means he or she is interested, intrigued, and curious to find out more.

At The Art of Charm, attraction at its base starts with curiosity and interest. When you become interested or curious about someone you are by definition

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attracted to them. Think about it, when you meet someone for the first time and you are interested in them, you probably want to get to know more about this person. Attraction, will almost always happen within the first few seconds of meeting.

Why do you only have a few seconds? Well, you can blame evolution for that. Tens of thousands of years ago, humans developed the ability to make snap judgments based on very little information. It’s what the “gut instinct” refers to.

We carry this type of split second decision-making, or “thin slicing,” with us today. This concept of thin-slicing is featured heavily in Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Blink, and

in the television series, Lie to Me, where the main character (Dr. Cal Lightman) reads

micro-expressions on people’s faces to determine their guilt or innocence.

Bottom line, a woman will decide if she’s going to sleep with you within the first few seconds of meeting you. Whether you call it thin slicing, gut instinct, or women’s intuition, it happens immediately and often on an unconscious, irrational level. That’s why the approach is so important.

But you don’t have to be Dr. Cal Lightman to make this work for you. Just make a good first impression; it’s little more than the most rudimentary hack for thin slicing. And I’m going to show you how.

G O O D V I B R A T I O N S : C R E A T I N G P O S I T I V E

E N E R G Y

Creating positive energy will immediately jump-start your game. And it’s much easier than you think. It involves two things - your smile and your energy.

Attraction Fundamental #1: A Good Smile

That’s right. You have to smile. So congratulations, you already know how to use one of the most important tools for attraction. But even though you’ve been smiling your entire life, I’ve got some pointers for you.

First, you want to make sure you’re smiling with your entire face. This means crinkling the corners of your eyes and lifting your cheeks. When you only smile with the bottom part of your face, your smile tends to look “forced” or “fake”. I call this a “cheese” smile. It’s the kind of smile you’ve made 10,000 times in photographs you didn’t really want to be in.

Smiling isn’t just about looking good. (Although people will instantly note that you look better for reasons they can’t quite pin down.) Smiling also has verified health

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benefits:

• A boosted immune system • Lowered blood pressure • Reduced levels of stress

• A rush of endorphins and serotonin

While you make your way through a bar or networking event, try smiling. It says, “I’m friendly!” It makes you appear non-threatening. It changes the way people receive you. So smile and watch how everyone else in the room is soon smiling with you.

Have trouble smiling? You’re not the only one. Here’s a process to find your authentic smile..

1. Stand in front of the mirror.

2. Remember a time when something really hilarious happened. 3. Think about it until you are genuinely laughing.

4. Look at the smile your face settles into. 5. Try and recreate that smile as best you can.

If you’re headed out for the night, it’s not a bad idea to spend ten minutes checking out your smile and even exaggerating it a little. Practicing your smile, like practicing anything, helps you get better. You will get better at maintaining a natural, sincere smile. It also warms up and stretches out your face muscles, making it easier for you to go back to the type of inviting smile you’re going to want to show.

Attraction Fundamental #2: High Energy

A smile is great for a lot of reasons, but to fully establish good vibes, you need the right energy level. Your disposition should be one of high energy, but only slightly higher than the person you are talking to. The appropriate level of energy goes a long way towards increasing your attractiveness.

High energy means that you have a positive disposition and allow others around you to open up and have fun. This means that not only are you smiling but also you are backing that smile up with warmth and a great attitude. It is important to keep things positive and not judgmental. You want to be adding to the group and not taking away from their fun.

Why? Well, a high energy level infects the group you are with, raising their

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They will think, “Oh look, the party’s here.” While a slightly higher energy level is non-threatening, a much higher level can come across as aggressive or obnoxious. So don’t overdo it.

What if you are naturally low energy? Or perhaps you want a quick boost right before a big business meeting, a night out with the guys, or approaching a girl. You can do this with coffee or an energy drink, but I recommend more natural solutions. Try performing some light exercise, or listening to music that gets you “pumped.”

You will notice that, with the right energy level and a genuine smile, people will begin to look at you differently, as if you are suddenly more attractive. Are you taller? Have you done something with your hair? Did you lose a couple pounds? Of course not. You have simply become that high-energy, dynamic man that others like to be around.

S W A G , M O J O A N D C L A S S : C U LT I V A T I N G A

S O C I A L P R E S E N C E

So maybe you’ve tried changing your style to mimic some famous celebrities. But having a social presence has nothing to do what you wear or how you cut your hair. Rather, it’s about having good eye contact and the right posture.

Attraction Fundamental #3: Eye Contact

A lot of guys have trouble with this one, and it’s usually that they don’t have enough eye contact. Eye contact is absolutely crucial to cultivating a social presence. Scientific studies have shown that eye contact is linked with the following:

• An increased chance that a person will remember you.

• An increased chance that you will remember another person. • An increased sense of arousal.

• An increased level of attraction between two people.

• Heightened activity in areas of the brain associated with socializing.

Need help building eye contact? Here’s an exercise I’ve designed to do just that. 1. Go out somewhere very public.

2. While walking down the street, try making eye contact with as many people as you can.

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3. Once you have made eye contact, make them break eye contact. Do not be the first person to look away.

If you’re worried about getting called a creep, slapped, or punched out, don’t be. If anyone takes offense, just laugh it off, apologize and tell him or her that you’re working on your eye contact. The answer is so bizarre that he or she won’t know what to do, other than keep walking.

Attraction Fundamental #4: Posture and Gait

Walk like a man, my son. That’s what it’s all about. Think of some of the baddest, toughest dudes who have ever lived. We’re talking about men like John Wayne, Mike Tyson and Bruce Lee. Look at how they walk. Do they skulk around meekly, head hung low, and shoulders hunched forward? No they don’t! We call it walking with a purpose. All you have to do is walk as if (and act as if) you’re a man who’s in charge of the world.

There’s also something feminine about not walking with a tall, strong gait. Women usually try to look small and demure. Men, on the other hand, often try to take up space and appear larger. For a more manly presence, try striding with your shoulders open and your head tilted back. This will improve your posture, giving you that

masculine swag that women love.

Bonus Tip: If you’re looking for an instant hack for improving your gait, try putting

on a pair of cowboy or biker boots. They make you taller, and the additional height forces your body to adopt a more upright posture. You will see a noticeable change in the way you walk. If cowboy boots are not your dress style, don’t worry. Just pull down your jeans and no one will be the wiser. They will only see your decidedly manly swagger. And they’re going to love it.

K I L L I N G T H E M W I T H C O N F I D E N C E

It’s no secret that confidence is attractive to women. In fact, most women will tell you that it’s the most attractive quality in a man. That said, I’m certainly not going to try and tell you that building confidence is easy. It’s not. For some men, it’s a constant process. But just because you haven’t been confident around women in the past, doesn’t mean you have to always be this way.

Statements such as “I lack confidence,” or “My smile looks weird,” or “I’m just a low-energy person,” are all nonsense. Who you were in the past isn’t the same as who you are now, or who you will be. Remember that the choices you make today dictate who you’re going to be tomorrow.

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Attraction Fundamental #5: Be Carefree

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” - Rhett Butler, Gone With the Wind

The American Film Institute voted this line the number one movie quote of all time - and most women will tell you that it’s also the SEXIEST movie quote of all time. Why is that? Why do women love the “bad boy”? What makes him so attractive? To put it simply - he doesn’t give a damn. He’s EXCITING, he’s playful, even a challenge, and he doesn’t need anything from her.

And that’s exactly what you should try and be - not the part about being a “bad boy” but the part about being playful, non-needy and carefree. If you have nothing to fear, or “give a damn” about, then the whole world becomes your playground.

Even if this is not the case, “fake it until you make it,” a principle now broadly recognized as having scientific merit. Don’t think about the job or car you wish you had, or the women you want to sleep with, but can’t - nothing external or outside of you. Instead, focus on what’s inside of you. Think about the kind of man you want to be. And then start acting like that’s what you already are. Walk around like you’re on top of the world, like a man who doesn’t need anything, because he already has it.

There are two psychological states that help you appear more carefree non-neediness and non-approval-seeking. Once you assume these emotional attitudes, you will seem more confident. And this type of carefree confidence is especially important in the early phases of the process.

N O N - N E E D I N E S S

People hate neediness. When a man needs attention and validation, he will suck energy from the group. When you enter a conversation, you should be adding energy, not taking it away. Increasing the energy level of the group will make you more attractive. Needy guys do the opposite.

So when you go out, be carefree; remind yourself that you don’t need anything. You’re just along for the ride, going with the flow, seeing where the night takes you. If you are worried about coming off as disinterested, standoffish or rude, don’t be. You’re simply not dependent on anyone else to show you a good time.

N O N - A P P R O V A L - S E E K I N G

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know the approval-seeking man, the guy who constantly needs validation from others to reassure him that he’s okay, that it’s all right for him to relax and have a good time.

An approval-seeking man is an even bigger buzz kill than a needy man. He sets people on edge. Neediness drains energy while approval-seeking behavior causes a nervousness and anxiety than can spread to the entire group.

Conversely, the non-approval-seeking man never needs permission to relax and have a good time. He always enjoys himself. He’s the first person to start nodding his head to a song he likes, and the one on the dance floor before anyone else. That’s why he often has a gang of chicks surrounding him, dancing nearby and desperately pretending not to notice him.

A non-approval-seeking man’s lust for a good time is unhindered by feelings of social anxiety or shame. This gives everyone else permission to relax and let go. He quickly becomes the center of every party, but it’s rare that anyone knows why. All they know is that they like being around him.

Attraction Fundamental #6: Decisive Action

I have something called the “instant approach” rule. It requires that you approach a woman immediately upon seeing and selecting her. And I mean immediately. The easiest way to do this is take the first step towards her when you see her. The trick is that by moving towards her, you do not allow your conscious mind to begin to rationalize why things might not work. That first small step leads to the second and third steps, and before you know it you will be right in front of her smiling and ready to banter.

Women find instant approach very attractive. It’s because approaching is a

masculine act. Many women complain, “There are no real men left,” and that most men are passive and wait for them to approach. It’s part of the reason why “assholes” get all the girls. If nothing else, they have a decisive approach.

Being assertive and going for what you want is part of being a man. Take charge and you will easily set yourself apart from the pack, and define yourself as a confident, high-value man.

Now - because this may be a little bit hard to picture - I’ve put together this short video that shows you exactly what this looks like in a live social setting.

This video is normally reserved exclusively for members of the Art of Charm Academy - but I’ve made it available to you here whether you’re a member or not because it so perfectly demonstrates what you just read about.

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Go watch it here now:

http://theartofcharm.com/attraction-alchemy-high-energy-approach-example/

B U T W H A T I F I ’ M T O O S C A R E D T O A P P R O A C H ?

A lot of guys get nervous about approaching women. That’s normal and

natural, but to be a high-value social operator you must overcome this anxiety. If your subconscious is afraid to approach, your conscious mind will manufacture any and all reasons why you shouldn’t talk to her. This is why I advise men to develop a habit of approaching immediately upon seeing a woman they like. Not only is decisiveness attractive, it also leaves you very little time to overthink things.

If you want to do better with women, you must push yourself to approach. I realize that it’s easier said than done. But this is something you’ll have to confront eventually. Remember, it’s up to the man to approach. And the only real way to get more comfortable is by doing it, and doing it often.

My methods are based on a psychological concept known as graduated exposure therapy. It’s a technique used by psychologists to help people overcome phobias, anything from heights to snakes to approaching women. It allows you, through systematic desensitization, to conquer your fears by starting small, and then slowly building to bigger fears.

So let’s say that you want to get more comfortable approaching women. A simple graduated exposure “ladder” would look like this:

• Day 1: Go out and smile at 10 women. Most will probably smile back. • Day 2: Go out and ask 10 women for the time of day. Most will tell you.

• Day 3: Go out and ask 10 women for the time, and then ask how their day is going. Most will gladly share a little bit about their day, and keep walking. • Day 4: Ask 10 women for the time, ask how their day is going, and once you

have a good conversation going, flirt a little. You’d be surprised how many flirt back.

You get the picture. Keep going like this and your confidence will shoot through the roof. Eventually, challenge yourself with tasks like “get 10 phone numbers in a day” or “go on three dates in a day.” You can get there, as long as you break everything down into smaller, more achievable goals.

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A P P R O AC H E X E R C I S E S

1. Approach at least one woman immediately the next time you go out to a bar. 2. Spend a night out acting as if you have accomplished all your life goals.

3. Before your next night out, spend ten minutes in the mirror imagining the perfect approach. Make sure to include the six attraction fundamentals: a good smile, high energy, eye contact, posture, and a carefree attitude along with immediate and decisive action.

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Banter and Building

Attraction

Banter is the second phase of the process. It’s the part where the two of you are just hanging out. There’s a good deal of joking back and forth, being silly, and kidding around. What could be more relaxing than that?

Banter is frequently the missing piece in a man’s toolbox of attraction. Not only does banter grease the gears of social interaction and create the embryo of connection, it’s also fun. And that’s what socializing is supposed to be.

T H E S E C R E T O F B A N T E R

The banter phase is like the foundation of a house. Take your time with it, and you’ve got something really solid to build on. Rush through it, and you’re going to spend every rainy Sunday for the next twenty years caulking the basement. Which would you rather do? The secret to banter is to keep it light, playful and slightly teasing.

• Light: Avoid serious topics.

• Playful: Insert a jokey, silly element, but never be sarcastic.

• Teasing: Banter is, in effect, playfully teasing and flirting. You can easily add a teasing element by role playing and exaggerating the situation.

Banter lightens the atmosphere, relaxes those involved, gives the other person a silly role to play, and allows the interaction to flow in an easy, natural way.

G E T I N T O U C H W I T H Y O U R I N N E R 1 0 Y E A R O L D

In this phase, I want you to think of yourself as a precocious 10-year-old boy, one who is endlessly self-amused, and who doesn’t need approval to have fun. Once you get into that playful mindset, you will naturally assume an attitude that is both

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needy and non-approval-seeking.

These two terms should sound familiar. They were useful during approach and they are useful in banter as well. Let’s review:

Non-Needy: Needy behavior is poison for social interaction. It makes you

appear low-value and puts a great deal of pressure on other people. They can tell you’re looking to them for something, but they don’t know what it is and they’re a little put off that you’re looking for anything from them in the first place. If, however, you interact in a playful banter with the other person, you don’t need anything from him or her. You’re getting everything you need from yourself.

Non-Approval-Seeking: Bottom line, you shouldn’t need approval from others.

A 10-year-old doesn’t need approval to have fun. And neither should you. You’re giving yourself all the approval that you need. This attitude will create a sense of high value, while also allowing others to relax. You aren’t trying to get their approval, so they don’t have to worry about whether or not they “have” to give it to you.

Finally, acting like you’re already a bit chummy helps with the “fake it until you make it” concepts discussed throughout this book. Acting as if you two are already close won’t instantly create closeness. However, it will break down resistance, allowing you the opportunity to create a real connection. When you act like a friend, you’re seen as more like one than not.

So why am I telling you to act chummy if you’re trying to avoid the Friend Zone? Well, there are different ways that people are friends with each other. Often times when a man ends up in the Friend Zone, it’s because he started in rapport rather than banter. Rapport is the more serious mode of friendship. It’s the friend you call when you’re having troubles or want to talk about your day. Banter, on the other hand, is what you do when you just want to hang out, be silly, laugh and goof around. The former will land you in the Friend Zone. The latter makes you potential boyfriend material.

S T A R T I N G B A N T E R

Banter should begin within the first five seconds after the approach. When first starting out, I recommend that you have a list of banter lines at your disposal. Think of them as “banter training wheels.” You can modify them any way you like (provided that they remain light and playful). Once you really get the hang of it, you can start keeping a list of your own. After a while, you won’t even need a list. The true master of banter knows how to make things up on the fly, adapting his banter to any situation.