Season 1 Episode 3.5 “TUPPERWARE PARTY”
Written by Mitch Garver
Created by
Abbi Jacobson & Ilana Glazer
First Draft
EXT. FIFTH AVENUE, HARLEM - NIGHT
Dark here, almost too dark. ABBI (26) and ILANA (23) walk at a hurried pace, arm-and-arm.
ILANA
I don’t know, man! Maybe because you have your hair up?
ABBI
Just because I have my hair in a ponytail does not mean I’m, like all of the sudden a lesbian.
ILANA
Well, then it must’ve just been the overall progressive spirit that oozes from your pores! Take it as a compliment, dude! I mean, it takes massive kahunas to walk up to an eight like you and demand a date.
ABBI
I just wish someone with actual kahunas would walk up to me and demand a date. You know, like, a dude.
(BEAT)
You think I’m an eight? ILANA
Seven point five. I round up. ABBI
How much farther is the bus stop? This part of town is a little too CSI for my liking.
ILANA
Okay, first of all, you should never feel unsafe when you’re with me on account of my double-jointed limbs. Like, I can really kick some ass. And two, you need to learn to embrace the night, dude!
Ilana prances ahead, spinning, LAUGHING - think Julie Andrews on a hillside.
ILANA (CONT’D)
The nocturnal life is the life for me! In the daytime I’m like cyborg Ilana, you know? Like, just another sheep in the pride, but once that sun sets and that big glorious moon hits center stage it becomes my spotlight and tonight is tech
rehearsal, you know? And I’m, like fucking the director and he’s way into butt-stuff, but still allows me to feel like a lady. Am I
right?! A BEAT,
then-ABBI
What the fuck are you talking about, dude?
Ilana pulls a joint from her bag, lights it, tokes. On her
exhale-ILANA
The night time. It’s my shit. Here. She passes to Abbi, they continue their trek.
ABBI
I really hope the new Hunger Games is on Netflix, ‘cause
I’ve-A HOMELESS MI’ve-AN appears from the shadows-HOMELESS MAN
You girls like to feel good?
Abbi SCREAMS and Ilana KICKS the Man in the crotch - he goes down hard.
The girls run away as we hold on the GROANING Homeless Man. A BEAT and Ilana runs back to him.
ILANA
I am so sorry, sir. I’m not usually that aggressive, I’ve
just-HOMELESS MAN
Let me munch on that kitty cat, Curly-Q.
ILANA Ew, what?!
She DECKS the Man in the face, runs away. Off the Man’s fetal position we
SMASH TO TITLES.
ACT ONE
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Just down the hallway we can see a package in front of a door - the girls mosey toward it, oblivious.
ABBI
Dude, you’re not sleeping in my bed, you’re sleeping in the bathtub!
ILANA
I swear to God Abbi, if you make me sleep in that bathtub again I will get up in the middle of the night and purposely piss all over you while you’re sleeping!
They reach Abbi’s door. Abbi notices the package-ABBI
What? Ilana still
unaware-ILANA
I’m going to mark my territory! Golden showers, bitch!
ABBI No, Ilana. Look.
They both investigate the package. ILANA
Oh, okay. I am so drunk. This package is drunk. Go home package.
ABBI
Okay, maybe you need a coffee?
Abbi unlocks her door, package in hand and enters, Ilana
follows-ILANA I need my bong.
INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
The girls enter to find BEVERS watching TV in the dark, SOBBING into a pillow, surrounded by candles.
He regains his composure once he notices the girls. ABBI
Ew, Bevers. Why are you crying?
She drops her stuff on a table, heads for the coffee maker in the kitchenette. Ilana takes a seat next to
Bevers-BEVERS
Crying? Who’s crying? I’m not. These eyes are dry. They’re not slightly moist, they just appear that way because of my sea foam green iris-is-es-sis.
ILANA
Why are you watching Grey’s Anatomy?
Bevers, slightly offended-BEVERS
Because the love Meredith has for Dr. Shepherd is real!
(SOBS)
Whether he knows it or not! Ilana moves
away-ILANA Okay.
A BEEPING from the television-BEVERS (TO THE TV)
Oh my God! Call a code! Don’t just stand there! Page Dr. Bailey! Page the Chief!
Abbi hands Ilana a mug, they move over to the package on the
table-ABBI
Bevers, did somebody knock on the door today?
BEVERS
Yeah. A package came for you. (TO THE TV)
CALL A CODE! ABBI
And you left it in the hallway? BEVERS
Yeah, I know how much you don’t like it when I touch your things.
(TO THE TV)
OH NO! HIS BP IS DROPPING! ABBI
What?! You can touch things that -- er, just don’t touch -- you know what? Whatever. It’s fine.
BEVERS Cool!
ABBI (UNDER BREATH)
Why are you even in my life? ILANA
Sensual Sensations? Who’s Abigail Python?
Abbi’s eye widen - a low resonating TONE-ABBI
What did you just say?
Everything slows down, complete horror comes over Abbi-ILANA
(SLO-MO) Abigail Python?
The TONE again - Abbi’s in shock. She loses her balance, collapse onto the
floor-The sound of a FLATLINE from the TV. BEVERS
NOOO!
ILANA
Dude, are you okay? What’s wrong? (MORE FLATLINE)
Abbi rolls
over-ABBI
Sensual Sensations is the company that hosted that naughty Tupperware party we went
to-(BEAT)
And-(BEAT)
I am Abigail Python.
Off Ilana’s overly-shocked expression, the FLATLINE carries us into
ACT TWO
EXT. NEW YORK STREET - NIGHT
The girls walk down a sidewalk, dressed business casual. Abbi refers to a note on her
iPhone-ABBI (V.O.)
It happened three weeks ago, I remember it vividly.
SUPER: THREE WEEKS AGO
BEVERS (V.O.)
Well, of course you remember it vividly, three weeks ago isn’t that long of a time span.
ILANA (V.O.)
Yeah, and it wasn’t even three weeks ago, it was two weeks ago. SUPER: TWO WEEKS AGO
ABBI (V.O.) No, it was three. SUPER: THREE WEEKS AGO
ILANA (V.O.) Okay, dude. Whatevs.
Abbi and Ilana come to the front steps of a massive
Brownstone-ABBI
This is it, 804. I’m telling you dude, Jeff at Bed, Bath and Beyond swears by this stuff.
ILANA
So, you’re going to take advice from some dude just because he works at Bed, Bath and Beyond?
ABBI
If Jeff says that Tupperware Party Tupperware is better than Bed, Bath & Beyond Tupperware I’m going to believe him... and he’s not just some dude,
he’s-ABBI (CONT’D) Jeff from Bed, Bath and Beyond, and he truly goes beyond for his customers.
ILANA
Jeff from Bed, Bath and Beyond, and he truly goes beyond for his customers. ILANA
Yeah, you’ve said that before. ABBI
Really?
ILANA
Yeah, at least six or seven times. ABBI
Wow.
Ilana RINGS the doorbell-ILANA
You’re just lucky that the alcohol selection is typically primo at these snore-palooza’s.
ABBI
Okay, well let’s just try to remain classy, composed, ladies about
this, okay? We don’t want another Bryant-Park-2012-situation on our hands.
ILANA
Oh my God! That was one time, and there aren’t even any geese here anyway, so...
woman-INT. TOWNHOME - CONTINUOUS WOMAN
Yay, more guests! Come in, come in, come in! I’m Jillian, your hostess!
JILLIAN (50’s) offers a curtsey. The girls return the gesture not quite as gracefully as
Jillian-ABBI
I’m Abbi. This is Ilana. ILANA
Yo.
ABBI
A good friend of mine forwarded me an invite, I hope it’s okay
that-JILLIAN
-Oh, please! The more the merrier! That’s what I always say.
(TO ILANA)
Even in the bedroom, am I right, Curly-Q?
She winks, Ilana
recoils-JILLIAN (CONT’D)
I can take your coats. If you don’t mind me asking, what friend invited you?
ABBI
Jeff from Bed, Bath & Beyond. JILLIAN
I love Jeff! He really goes beyond for his customers.
ABBI That’s what I said!
Jillian hangs the girls’ coats in a closet and ushers them up a
stairway-JILLIAN
Everybody is up here. You’re just in time too, the demonstration is about to begin.
ILANA (TO ABBI)
ABBI (TO ILANA)
Yeah, probably to see how they stand up in microwaves, freezers, it’s important
because-JILLIAN
-Ladies, we have two more frisky friends!
The girls reach the top floor, the room is full of older women - the women CATCALL, welcoming the
girls-ABBI
Hi there. Thank you for, er good to have you. Hi. Thanks.
ILANA
What up? What up, ladies? Lookin’ good, feelin’ fine. JILLIAN (CONT’D)
Okay, girls. Bar’s in the kitchen, bathroom’s down the hall and the demonstration begins in five! Yay!
ABBI Yay!
ILANA Yay!
Jillian joins her friends in the living room where a table draped by a sheet faces everybody.
Abbi turns to Ilana-ABBI
Okay, I think that given the age-range of our fellow party-goers we should absolutely stick together
and-ILANA
-I gotta go take a dump.
Ilana bolts down the hallway and before Abbie can even pretend to keep
cool-JILLIAN
Abbi! Get over here, wallflower! Meet the other ladies!
ABBI
What? Okay, let me just get a -- my cell phone is -- I forgot that I need to -- get on a phone call in the -- the soon -- soon -- sooner? I need to get on a phone call in the sooner.
And with that, embarrassed Abbi slides into the next
room-BATHROOM
The nicest bathroom Ilana’s ever seen. First, she heads for the medicine
cabinet-ILANA Score!
BACK TO THE PRESENT
ILANA (CONT’D)
Oh yeah! That was the night I snorted those vitamin C tablets!
BEVERS
Why would you want to do that? ILANA
I thought they were benzos. ABBI
Yeah, she was trying to party, but just ended up boosting her immune system.
ILANA
Haven’t been sick since.
BACK TO TOWNHOME BATHROOM - THREE WEEKS AGO
The sound of something being SNORTED, Ilana raises her head, a slightly orange powder decorating her
nostrils-She rubs some on her gums-ILANA
Man this shit is good. ILANA (V.O.) And good for ya.
She references the bottle: FLINTSTONES...
She shrugs and pours the rest of the bottle into her bag and returns it to the cabinet.
She spots something else-ILANA Yes!
Something else-ILANA (CONT’D) Nice! KITCHEN Abbi enters-ABBI
I have to get on a phone call in the sooner? What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just ahead of Abbi a bar is set up on the kitchen island - just behind it, a very handsome
BARTENDER-BARTENDER What can I get you?
ABBI What?
BARTENDER
Is there a drink I can make for you?
Abbi checks behind
her-BARTENDER (CONT’D) Are you? You’re talking to me? He
LAUGHS-BARTENDER (CONT’D)
Yep-ABBI
Wow, okay. Okay, great. Awesome. I will take
one-Ilana bolts into the room-ILANA (TO THE MAN)
Two Irish car bombs, a
whiskey/ginger, a red wine, and make something sweet for yourself, Tiger.
ABBI
ILANA
Dude, we may or may not have to leave like right this second.
ABBI What’s that smell?
ILANA
Nothing we should probably just go-Abbi takes a whiff of
Ilana-ABBI
Is that Vicks Vapor Rub? ILANA
Yeah, it was in the bathroom and I-ABBI
-And you helped yourself? You’re not even sick or congested or anything!
ILANA Yeah, not now!
She flashes Abbi the contents of her bag: the vapor rub, the vitamins, q-tips, a bar of soap, a handful of tampons, a hand towel, toothpaste...
ABBI
Ilana! Dude, what the fuck?! ILANA
You know when I get nervous I become a clepto!
Abbi pulls out a sink faucet handle from the bag-ABBI
Why the hell would you want this? ILANA
I don't know, man! It broke off in the heat of it all. I’m like really buzzing on some shit I found in there. I feel like my spine is on fire right now!
ABBI
What? You weren’t even gone that long.
returns-BARTENDER
Car bombs, whiskey, red wine. Anything else ladies?
ILANA Yeah, your dick!
ABBI Whoa there!
(FAKE LAUGH)
Your dick? His dick? What? She’s crazy! She’s crazy! We don’t want your dick.
ILANA
Yeah we do. We want it bad. ABBI
Nope! She’s just -- she’s just a jokester.
The bartender walks off-ILANA
Abbi, get on my level, dude! No more awkward Abbi! C’mon now!
With that, the girls take their car bombs, and by the time they SLAM their empty glasses on the
table-JILLIAN (O.S.) Demonstration time!
ABBI
Yes! Tupperware! I almost forgot!
We go into a DRUNKEN POV: leaving the kitchen and entering the living room where every eye is on us.
JILLIAN Sit. Sit. Sit.
We take a seat, just in front of us, the table covered by a sheet.
JILLIAN (CONT’D)
Let’s get this naughty Tupperware party started, ladies!
ABBI Naughty?
We leave the POV and Jillian whips the sheet off of the table revealing sex toys galore: phallic vibrators, BUZZING dildos, butt-plugs, anal beads, lube, bondage and S&M equipment...
ABBI (CONT’D) (HORRIFIED)
Oh. My. God. ILANA (THRILLED) Oh. My. God!
ACT THREE
INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT - PRESENT
Abbi, Ilana, and Bevers have moved to the couch, a few more candles have been
lit-BEVERS
So, you went to a Tupperware party you weren’t even invited to? Stole vast amounts of toiletries and then drunkenly purchased sex toys?
ABBI Basically.
BEVERS
Well, let’s open the package then! I wanna see!
Abbi guards the box-ABBI
No! No, you guys. I was highly
inebriated by the time I was making my order. I don’t even know what’s in here.
ILANA
This is no time for prudeness, Abbi!
Besides-A BEBesides-AT, a CRBesides-ACK of lightning, then-ILANA (CONT’D) (MELODRAMATIC)
I know what you ordered. ABBI
BEVERS You do?
Another CRACK of lightning-LINCOLN You do?
Everybody SCREAMS on account of Lincoln’s sudden appearance-ABBI
Lincoln, how long have you been there?
LINCOLN
I’ve been here for the majority of the story. You’re a wonderful
storyteller, Abbi. ABBI Thanks, I guess. LINCOLN You’re welcome. ILANA
You should really announce yourself to a room when you enter. It’s just polite.
LINCOLN My bad.
ILANA Anyway.
She CLEARS her
throat-ILANA (CONT’D) I know what you ordered!
BEVERS
You said that already! LINCOLN Yeah, go on!
ILANA Fine.
TOWNHOME - LIVING ROOM - THREE WEEKS AGO
Abbi is examining a leather whip while Ilana shows a circle of eager women a few of the
toys-ILANA (V.O)
You guys were a lot more respectful toward Abbi when she was telling the story.
LINCOLN (V.O.)
Abbi’s just a natural storyteller. ABBI (V.O.)
Thanks, Lincoln.
LINCOLN (V.O.) You’re welcome.
ILANA (V.O.)
So Abbi started to fill out the order form when I was showing that old Russian woman how to use the remote control for the Dolphin 2.0.
ABBI (V.O.) Oh, yeah.
ILANA
Now, be careful with that thing Olga! Slow and steady!
She approaches
Abbi-ILANA (CONT’D)
O.M.G! You’re buying something? I thought for sure you’d be all butt-hurt about there not being any Tupperware.
ABBI
I was. Until I sent a very heated Facebook message to Jeff from Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I feel better now. That, and I think this Pinot is helping too.
wine-ABBI (CONT’D)
I’m just going to get some lotions and oil and other boring shit
because I’m Abbi and that’s the sort of stuff I’d get at a sex toy party because I’m boring-Abbi.
ABBI (V.O.)
I would never say something like that!
ILANA (V.O)
I’m telling the story now! So, when Abbi thought she was done ordering I took the liberty to add a few of my recommendations.
ABBI (V.O.) You what?
While Abbi’s back is turned, Ilana scribbles a few extra things on Abbi’s order sheet.
Abbi turns back toward Ilana-ABBI
I should probably use an alias, shouldn’t I?
ILANA Great idea!
ABBI
Right? Like, I don’t want Jeremy from down the hall seeing that I have a package from some sex-toy-party-company. I don’t want him to think I’m, like some sort of sex-crazed nymphomaniac. Or do I?
ILANA
I know, right? Plus, these days, you gotta weary of people finding you online and these people are complete freaks!
(TO PARTY-GOER)
Shawna, are you leaving? Oh, well you take care and you let me know how Harold feels about that ball-gag. Bye, girl! Love you!
(BACK TO ABBI) Complete. Freaks.
JILLIAN
Excuse me! Did anybody happen to accidentally take -- like, all the toiletries from the bathroom?
ILANA Yikes. Later! Ilana eases out of sight.
Abbi grips the pen, hovers over the NAME box of the form. She scribes “ABIGAIL” and drastically looks around the room for
inspiration-She spots the anal beads -- no The double-headed dildo -- no The edible lingerie -- no
She spots the largest thing on the display table: a two foot long black dildo with a name emblazon on the side: THE PYTHON
ABBI
(UNDER HER BREATH) Perfect.
She finishes signing her new name, hands the form to Jillian-JILLIAN
Thanks so much, Abbi! Hey, you don’t know where your friend went to, do you? It’s just, somebody said that she smelled of vapor rub and saw a few tampons sticking out of her bag,
and-ABBI
Friend? What are you talking about? I came to this party alone.
JILLIAN
What? No, no, your friend. Ilana? ABBI
Oh my God. My mother’s name was Ilana, but she died when I was six. Oh my God. You saw her?! With me?! Are you a medium? Is she in the room right now?
away-ABBI (CONT’D)
Mom? Mommy? Are you here? Mom?
She makes it to the stairwell where Ilana is waiting, they SLAP five and head down the stairs.
ACT FOUR
INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT
The gang has gathered around the coffee table, no one is speaking, all eyes are on the unopened package.
A BEAT,
then-ILANA
I can’t take this anymore!
She lunges for the box, Bevers joins in and begins scratching at the
tape-BEVERS
What’s in the box?! WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!
LINCOLN You guys!
He grabs the package, hands it to Abbi-LINCOLN (CONT’D)
Abbi’s name’s is -- er, Abbi’s name is sorta on the package so she
should be the one that opens it. We must respect the federal mail
system.
ABBI
Thanks, Lincoln. I was starting to feel like I was in the climax of Se7ev.
BEVERS
Does that make me Brad? ILANA
Shut up, Bevers.
She hands Abbi a pair of scissors-ILANA (CONT’D) Here, girl!
ABBI
You know what? Ilana, you should open it. It’s basically your order
and-ILANA Yes!
She STABS the box. One long gash and we’re in. Ilana is a kid on Christmas morning. She upturns the box spewing its
contents onto the
table-The last object to fall, the largest, THE PYTHON. It lands with a THUD, a unanimous GASP.
ABBI
You bought The Python? ILANA
Well, technically you bought The Python, but YES! I got it for me and Lincoln.
Lincoln picks up the massive dildo-LINCOLN
This ain’t right. Sex toys in
general ain’t right. Why do adults need toys? We’re not children.
ILANA
And Abbi, I got you this!
She hands her a small container. Abbi examines the container,
reading-ABBI
Crystal Kegel Egg: Vaginal Exercise Tool?
ILANA
Ever since you told me about
Dreadlock-Larry refusing to see you again on account of your shy
butthole I figured we might as well tighten up your front hole that way guys will stop wanting to migrate south on you and ultimately leaving you. Alone. And empty.
ABBI
Okay first off, just because I think my poop shoot is a one way street doesn't mean I have a shy butthole, and secondly I’m feeling slightly creeped out by the nature of this gift -- but, thanks -- I suppose.
BEVERS What did you get me?
ILANA
Oh, well. Bevers, you’re not in my life as a sexual being, you know? Your sexual needs aren’t the first sexual needs I think of when
prompted with a sex toy ordering catalogue. Now, had we gone to a party where you can buy gym shorts and ranch-flavored junk food, I definitely would’ve pulled through for you, bro.
BEVERS I see.
ABBI
Here Bevers, you can have this body oil.
She tosses a bottle to Bevers-BEVERS
Ooh, 100% natural botanical blend! He exits to his bedroom, oil in hand.
Ilana turns to Lincoln, who is still inspecting The Python-ILANA
Now, I know it seems like a novelty, but I’ve made a mental checklist of ways we can really put this baby to use. We’ll need a
ceiling fan, bungee chords and at least a handful of seedless red grapes.
ABBI Ew, what?
ILANA You’re right.
(TO LINCOLN)
Make it two handfuls. We’re going to need our stamina.
Abbi gets up from the floor, heads toward her room. ABBI
You guys do what you want. I’m passing out.
Ilana tosses Abbi her Kegel Egg-ILANA
Don’t forget your new best friend. ABBI
I don’t know, Ilana. I don’t really feel like putting anything inside of me tonight, you know?
ILANA
Your vaginal wall will thank you! ABBI
I highly doubt that!
She leaves. Ilana takes The Python from Lincoln’s hands and they begin making out on the
couch-Lincoln takes The Python and sets it back down on the coffee table. Ilana picks it back up. Lincoln takes it and returns it to the coffee table.
Ilana picks it back up, Lincoln sets it down. Ilana picks it back up, Lincoln sets it back down.
They stop
kissing-LINCOLN
Ilana, look. I’m cool with this whole friends-with-benefits thing and I really enjoy your adventurous charisma in the bedroom, but this might be too much.
ILANA
What? I thought you’d love it.
LINCOLN
No! No, I do not love it. I guess I just prefer to be the biggest dick in the bed. I actually prefer to be the only dick in the bed, if we’re being honest.
ILANA
Whatever you want, dude. One big, black dick is enough for me.
She tosses The Python. A CHIME, Ilana checks her phone-ILANA (CONT’D)
It’s Abbi.
ON THE SCREEN: “LADY EMERGENCY. GET. IN. HERE. NOW!” ILANA (CONT’D)
Uh, I’ll be right back.
ABBI’S ROOM
Ilana enters to find half-naked Abbi squatting on her bed-ILANA
Dude!
ABBI
It’s not coming out! ILANA
What’s not coming out? ABBI
The cast of Glee! What the hell do you think I mean? The egg!
(BEAT) IT’S STUCK!
Another CRACK of lightning. ILANA
This is some weird weather we’ve been having.
ABBI
Shut up, just help me! ILANA
INT. ABBI’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Abbi has taken to lying on her back, both of her legs propped up as though she’s minutes away from giving birth.
Ilana’s playing doctor-ILANA
Oh holy shit, dude! I see it! ABBI
Just get it out of me! She WAILS in
pain-Lincoln
enters-LINCOLN
Ya’ll can’t be screaming like this. It’s four o’clock in the morning. You gotta be considerate of your neighbors.
(BEAT)
Whoa. Abbi, are you having a baby right now?
ILANA
You gotta give me a big push, Ab! LINCOLN
Oh my god, Lincoln. Please, please get out.
ILANA
He’s a medical professional! ABBI
He’s a dentist! She SCREAMS
again-ILANA (TO LINCOLN) It’s stuck.
(TO ABBI)
He’s not going to look, Abbi. He’s just here for moral support. No woman should have to go through this alone. Haven’t you ever seen Where the Heart Is? Natalie Portman gave birth in a Costco, dude! You got this!
ABBI
You guys know, I’m not really having a baby right now, right?
ILANA Do it for Natalie!
(BEAT)
Okay, we’ve gotta head! ABBI
What? Another
WAIL-Beavers enters this time. He’s panicked, he’s nearly naked, he’s covered in
oil-SLO-MO
BEVERS What’s going on? He starts to slip on some
oil-BEVERS (CONT’D)
Whoa-His foot catches The Python, throwing him into a slippery free-fall.
Bevers SCREAMS, Abbi SCREAMS - Bevers lands directly onto Abbi. With a very unnatural POP the egg SHOOTS out of Abbi Nailing Ilana right in the skull.
ABBI
(SIGH OF RELIEF) Oh thank god.
Ilana goes down hard landing next to Bevers who has wound up in a oil slick next to the bed.
Everybody MOANS in pain, save for Lincoln-LINCOLN
You know, I’m not really one for saying ‘I told you so’
(BEAT)
But, I did. Tell you guys so. I told all of you so. Now look at you.
ILANA (O.S.)
I might concussion have. Tomato soup dreidel...
TAG
INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING
Abbi is packing up the sex toys back into their original
package. On a Post-it she has written ONLY USED ONCE. Signed, UNSATISFIED CUSTOMER.
She places the Post-It onto the egg.
Abbi’s video chat RINGTONE - she grabs her laptop, answers. It’s Ilana.
INT. ILANA’S APARTMENT
Ilana’s wearing only a towel, has an ace bandage wrapped around her head where the egg hit her, and is cradling her bong.
INTERCUT BETWEEN ABBI
What up?
ILANA
Dude! Apparently, I have health insurance!
ABBI
Wow, congratulations. How’s the head?
ILANA
Good as new, my friend.
She CLICK her tongue and knocks on the wound, GRIMACES in
pain-ABBI
Yeah, I wouldn’t touch that. ILANA
No worries. I got all the pain killers I could need.
She displays her
bong-ILANA (CONT’D) What are you doing?
box-ABBI
I’m sending these booby traps back to where they came from.
ILANA (GIGGLING) Boobies.
(BEAT)
Good riddance, dude! Lincoln was right. We are adults. We do not play with toys.
ABBI Right.
ILANA
We play with each other! She shakes her chest for the camera.
ABBI Okay.
ILANA
So, I was thinking. I did you a major solid by not only thinking of you and your vaginal health by
getting you the egg in the first place, but also by helping you get it out when it got stuck and then also by taking a huge one for the team by literally allowing you to shoot said egg from your lady tunnel directly into my skull leaving me concuss.
(GASP FOR AIR)
Sooooo, I need a favor from you now.
ABBI Fine, what is it?
Ilana drops her towel revealing her breast-ILANA
How’s my nip to areola ratio? ABBI
Oh my God, Ilana!
