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having a worse love life having a worse love life than Aragog
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tearing off your nipples tearing off your nipples in a Ministry accident in a Ministry accident
using magic to enslave using magic to enslave your classmates
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the immense pain of a the immense pain of a werewolf
werewolf
transformation transformation
being made to come six being made to come six times over
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denying your partner orgasm and watching them squirm
getting a blowjob from the monster book of monsters
being a House Elf
networking at the Slug Club
Slimy Slytherins dragon pox
putting smegma in the pumpkin juice
blowing Dumbledore whilst he’s speaking to the Minister of Magic
Hufflepuff getting
Hufflefucked out of the House Cup
shitting out a Horcrux Ron's broken wand Lucius Malfoy’s luscious locks
using the Quibber as toilet paper
Molly Weasley a winged key going up Arthur Weasley’s anus
Snape and McGonagall making passionate love
"How To Please Your Wizard's Wand" by Fiona Hardick
Colin Creevey sneaking into the hospital wing to give Harry a blowjob
all the muggles,
mudbloods and squibs
trusting the Dark Lord not to off you the
second you become useless
trying to ignore the tittering from the portraits you
masturbate in front of
a tiny unicorn something that can burn, sting, bite and suck all at once
Hermione’s bush(y hair) crappy Harry Potter pick up lines
Hedwig’s corpse Slughorn drugging students
Madame Rosmerta's luscious tits
transfiguration actually learning something because Harry Potter has graduated
a leaky wand
the magical equivalent of social networking
Randy House-elves pornographic daydream charms
shoving a bezoar down your throat
a disorganized Gryffindor orgy
a beaded bag that contains everything you need
going to Beauxbatons baby mandrakes the Cruciatus Curse
breaking every single rule and only getting a light scolding
Unforgivable Curses that are used in a totally forgivable way
being Hogwarts' headmaster
snorting Floo Powder putting my basilisk in your Chamber of
Secrets
dead parents
the Noble and Most
Ancient House of Black
Dennis Creevy Rufus Scrimageour's sexily stern demeanour
Godric Gryffindor's body hair
losing your wand and using your dick instead
my useless friend Ron Weasley
Hagrid and Aragog cuddling
Godric Gryffindor's skeleton
the luscious Lucius Malfoy
using a broom as a dildo
being dead Lily and James Potters' graves
drawing Severus Snape like one of your French girls
all those cute couples strolling around
accidentally blowing up a relative who insulted your mom
masochistic House Elves
Pureblooded dick hardcore BDSM in the Room of Requirement
regretting all the ships that never sailed
Gryffindor SECTUMSEMPRA!
a private ticket to the Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes back room
braiding one's hair with black ribbon
fucking your best friend's sister
stupid bastard Potter Bill Weasley
off-screen death of your favorite characters
Dumbledore saying it wrong
eating Dumbledore's beard to gain his power
eating floating cupcakes
a howler sext a good ol' virgin sacrifice
Ron Weasley’s super buff keeper bod
going to St Mungo's to have your wand
removed from an orifice it should not be inside
ethnic cleansing
wands to finish off Voldemort
Slughorn’s Club for little boys
Charlie Weasley
a penis pump being denied orgasm for over an hour
a Hungarian Horntail
being a Veela Christmas baubles adorned with Harry Potter's face
Charlie Weasley giving up quidditch to 'chase dragons'
cat food Beetles eyes the rest of the Marauders
gangbanging Peter Pettigrew
Dobby being so boring you don't even notice you're dead
Hermione Granger's left breast
oppressing goblins Draco in leather pants dancing with a
Quidditch World Cup player instead of a thick redhead
Oliver’s wood wearing a miniskirt The function of a rubber duck
Harry Potter as a sexy French maid
ancient runes spanking your partner so hard they cry
Wormtail keeping James’ dick as a souvenir
a house-elf sized coffin blaming the nargles
Kingsley Shacklebolt looking classy as fuck
Lavender Brown's furry little problem
taking nudes with Colin Creevey
bringing a pet to school that's neither a rat, cat, nor toad
Organizing a Slytherin orgy
the Dark Lord
Moldysnot's Booger Pickers
Hagrid's butt crack practicing Wingardium Leviosa on yourself
the (lack of) money in the Weasleys' bank vault
placing an undetectable extension charm on
Cho Chang’s vagina
not how I planned this day, I'll be honest
Ron turning down the offer of a blowjob from Harry
casual sex under the Whomping Willow
murdering Goblins
five Lizards No more, no less
dragon aids Granger danger
a dildo wand Mad-Eye Moody looking through your shirt
Madame Maxime’s jumbo tampons
a mysterious ticking noise
the Sword of Godric Gryffindor, glittering with rubies
Hermione Granger in a fursuit
the Whomping Willow in a thunder storm
Ravenclaw Ron and Hermione in the back of the Ford Anglia
knowing that Snape is still a massive tool
an old grumpy wizard that refuses to wear pants
Fenrir Greyback’s inner thighs
all the dirty things that ever happened in the Room of Requirements
enchanted sex toys singing "I killed Sirius Black" over and over
Gryffindor's sword Hogwarts fucking a flobberworm
Victor Krum’s man meat
accidently killing your sister
Cormac McLaggen's busy hands
Lavender Brown's illustrious porn career
polishing your wand a horde of angry centaurs
a magical full body orgasm
an incestual Weasley orgy
Amortentia
the hideous drapes around the Gryffindor beds
using Mr Weasley’s plugs inappropriately
shaving one's penis (carefully)
reading thousands of books
crossdressing Fleur Delacoeur
freshly cut grass you have your mother's eyes
using a time-turner to become your own grandparent
marathon sex sessions a troll in the sex dungeon
Dumbledore, the half-dead
wizard sex ed the sexiness of
someone's Animagus form
Severus Snape's pale but fairly thick prick
owl pellets Fred and George
throwing snowballs at Voldemort
licking her Bertie Botts every flavoured bean
giving your baby brother a life-long phobia of spiders
Gurdyroot tea Draco Malfoy’s
the Infamous Hogwarts Jaguar
getting drunk so often that your remembrall is permanently red
that tingling sensation you get when you see Sirius Black transform
Kingsley Shacklebolt Petunia Dursley’s queef the token muggle born
Hermione Granger my furry little problem riding a winged,
undead horse you can't see
getting fucked by so many people your stomach sloshes
a gassy thestral thinking Jigglypuff is a Hogwarts house
finding out your Patronus is a sea cucumber
Movie Sirius Black Cornelius goddamn Fudge
that fucking Harry Potter epilogue
sex on top of the Marauder's map
Horklump fondling traditional romance Cedric’s cold corpse
a big fucking snake Dumbledore's
questionable hiring practices
joining a prison gang while in Azkaban
accidentally turning yourself into a furry
Hermione sprouting tentacles
rearing children for sacrificial death
the Whomping Willow's burly branches
being violated by a hippogriff
hearing all the cool stuff all the other characters do while some teenage wizards camp out in the forest for 400 pages
getting fucked from behind by Fenrir Greyback
Dobby spanking Winky with a sock
Dolores Umbridge’s saggy tits
forgetting all about Peeves
Helga Hufflepuff's bosom
milking the prostate
a love potion Portkeys Dudley Dursley washed
up on a beach
Luna Lovegood naked Dumbledore riding bareback on Firenze with Bane shoving a horn up his arse
the systematic
enslavement of House Elves
Percy Weasley taking it up the butt
Bathilda Bagshot's rotten, smelly house
spit-roasting Kreacher Professors playing favorites
drawling your own dark mark
a trophy that is also a Portkey
Lucius Malfoy's sex appeal
Lily Evans cursing your genitals
dressing Padfoot in people clothes
how gorgeous Blaise Zabini is
candies that make you sick for some reason
twincest teaching wizards how to code
George Weasley
looking into the mirror of Erised and seeing Fred
conservative values receiving a tender blowjob
the Durmstrang Institute
daydream charms used for sexual purposes
Auguries shitty quality Harry Potter memes
an egg that screams or sings depending on its surroundings
magically induced lactation
a cool, cool motorcycle
a jumper knitted cleverly by Molly Weasley Penelope Clearwater's taste in men Polyjuice prostitutes
snogging all over the Hogwarts grounds
LeviOsa not LeviosA a wizarding school in the middle of fucking nowhere
slapping your partner across the face
the Room of Requirement
broomstick drag racing
"Scabbers" the Rat one hundred duck-sized Hippogriffs
a raucous rendition of "Weasley is Our King"
the way Dumbledore's balls dangle around his knees, at this point
the dozens of Weasley children
being excused from being a bully because you're conventionally attractive
getting ripped apart by vampires
the Shrieking Shack
the stuff Hagrid finds in his beard
fucking bowtruckles James Potter playing seeker terribly
inter-house romances despising Muggles Alan Rickman
the sexual tendencies of werewolves
Peeves up to his usual antics
Neville Motherfucking Longbottom, that's who
Cornelius Fudge's lime green bowler hat
Professor McGonagall’s overused sex toys
the savior of the wizarding world
assigning all the bad seeds to one house
wizard sleeves hidden teen pregnancy
basilisks that make you rock hard all the time
Severus Snape whining about the friendzone
forcing children to live in cupboards
Neville Longcock Troll boggeys waiting until the end of the school year to
actually try and kill Harry
not letting most species use wands
Ron Weasley's freckled penis
a flying motorbike that can shoot dragon fire
sexy times Harry Potter's
cockblocking skill
wizards incorrectly dressed as muggles
a fistful of Floo Powder Swishing and flicking Alastor Moody's mad eyes
waving a Gryffindor flag in public
toilet seats my hopes and dreams
appearing naked on the cover of Witch Weekly
Slytherin vomiting slugs for hours
Snape the potions master
Beauxbaton’s nipple hats
hiding your nudity behind a thestral
accidently blowing up a relative that insulted your mother
Kingsley Shacklebolt's fancy clothes
the Hog's Head
gallivanting around with a werewolf while disguised as a stag
becoming immortal at the price of your nose
using roofies in place of a love potion
attending Durmstrang fucking Rita Skeeter over a table interspecies lovemaking Arthur Weasley, fascinated by Muggle technology
Priori Incantatem a terrible godmother
a penis that swings with the rhythm of a pendulum
Lavender Brown
spanking Ron Weasley
Marlene McKinnon Wet dreams starring your best friend’s sister
taking a non-regulation pet to Hogwarts
extremely large breasts JK Rowling's new book Oliver Wood's special wand
not-so-secretly wishing you were at Hogwarts
Lucius Malfoy's aristocratic penis
transfiguring your dick into an actual parrot
using the Elder Wand as anal beads
an army of kneazles achieving one's
creature inheritance
being a Parselmouth a surprising lack of representation
Neville’s grandmother
a strong fetish for gingers
Beauxbatons Academy of Magic
spending years in Azkaban
seeing things from
Slughorn’s perspective
a penis Patronus Hagrid, wanking to pictures of his dragon
having to explain to Madam Pomfrey why you used engorgio on your dick
an evening out with Mrs Norris
being Percy Weasley in the streets but being Bill between the sheets
Daniel Radcliffe's penis the ticking clock of all our limited lives
getting down like a Hippogriff
Felix Felicis Charlie Weasley's arms seven minutes in
heaven with Voldemort
having an iguana for a Patronus
Ginny Weasley naked on a broom
Vernon Dursley’s fat fucking face
kilos upon kilos of sweets
being sorted into Gryffindor
Rowena Ravenclaw's clever fingers
Mollywobbles
that scene where Draco took a bite out of an apple in Harry Potter
talking dirty in Parseltongue Sirius Black's indescribable sexual magnetism using a dick as a portkey crying because of Hedwig a hutch of racing pigeons
Ron’s sweaty hands pumpkin juice and vodka
Ashwinders
Arthur, Molly, Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George, Ron, and Ginny Weasley
Ron's rat actually being a man
the sexual tension between Harry and Hermoine
shaving one's legs eating to feel better Severus Snape
whispering to 'turn to page 394'
vague connotations of child abuse
an unauthorized
biography written by Rita Skeeter
a slender, 13-inch wand
ghost rape Padma Patil the Sorting Hat
Hufflepuff charging $100 for
Moaning Myrtle’s tears
being sorted into Hufflepuff
the two different guys playing Dumbledore
the seeker saying things in a mild tone as if you're not a fucking bitch
the hundreds of cats in the halls of Hogwarts
selling muggle drugs to students as candy
Bertha Jorkin’s meat curtains
Voldemort hiding
underneath my turban
your mother's love and affection
your father's love and affection
the entire Gryffindor the entire Gryffindor Quidditch team
Quidditch team
using an unforgivable using an unforgivable curse for sexual
curse for sexual pleasure gain pleasure gain Frogspawn Frogspawn old, bearded old, bearded puppetmasters puppetmasters
St Mungo’s cure for St Mungo’s cure for penis warts
penis warts
the Warlock's Hairy the Warlock's Hairy Heart
Heart
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inevitable heart attack inevitable heart attack
the ghetto that is the the ghetto that is the Weasley house
Weasley house
the Marauders' Map the Marauders' Map
watching Purebloods watching Purebloods wince at the wince at the provocative nature of provocative nature of muggle clothing muggle clothing an unrequited love an unrequited love triangle triangle
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scantily clad goblins scantily clad goblins
giving Slughorn a
blowjob to get Potions extra credit
Albus Dumbledore's big black dick
looking into the Mirror of Erised and seeing only yourself
doing a contraceptive charm wrong and
making your dick turn purple
a dead Dobby making out with a Dementor
shitting out a Horcrux Draco 'poopy pants' Malfoy
Harry yelling "EXPECTO
PATRONUM" before turning into a stag
dozens of imps Tom Riddle’s huge snake a name as mundane and unexciting as "Harry" a Kingsley Shacklebolt sex dream Prongs Cedric Diggory's bloated corpse
magical bras using a magical eye to look through students clothing
waking up with a
lightning bolt shaped scar on your cock
giving the house-elves a night off
bruises
having gorgeous hair getting caught by your roommate doing
inappropriate wand things
James Potter
having to talk to the disturbingly predatory Fenrir Greyback pissing in Moaning Myrtle’s toilet Professor Umbridge's unspeakable experience in the Forbidden Forest
a Boggart that looks like blue waffle
the sorting hat drunk on it's own power
actually paying
attention in History of Magic
time alone in the prefect bathroom
off-label use of Skele-Gro
Harry’s lesbian haircut in movie 5
actual married couple Sirius and Remus
the Shrieking Shack having one's dirty laundry aired in The Daily Prophet
a bigger, blacker Sirius Black
dying just like Sirius Black
a troll in her dungeon
Dean Thomas a cake patronus Snape in drag
Ebony Dark'ness
Dementia Raven Way
wizard porn Dumbledore’s last boner
Filch's cat
Werewolf pornography some muggle device that vibrates
House Elves that
perform sexual favors
leather trousers Percy’s flat, freckled arse
dragon’s dildos
my wizard's staff dead people Albus Dumbledore's long, soft beard
the Hufflepuff agenda Neville stroking his Mimbulus Mimbletonia
having sex on the Knight Bus
so much under age sex masturbating to a pensieve memory of banging your ex
Snape's button Butterbeer Fleur’s steamy fart
Uncle Vernon reading the Daily Mail
Luna Lovegood's skills in bed
breaking an
Unbreakable Vow
fun times with the in-laws!
Peter Pettigrew
an illegal magic carpet a hand-written letter that comprises of the word "twat" two
hundred times in neat handwriting
fucking your best
friend’s sister because he got the girl
a mad eye that can see through all cloaks
Molly Weasley Fred and George's freckly cocks
Salazar Slytherin’s noble work
using a Vanishing Cabinet
magically replacing your brother's stuffed animal with a spider
Giving Ton-Tongue
Toffee to your boyfriend before sex a steaming bag of hippogriff poo Dumbledore’s Gay Army 1000 years of goblin oppression
Arthur Weasley riding a basilisk into battle
Filch's moth eaten tux covering an
embarrassing erection with the sorting hat
10 points to Dumbledore!
very lacy
undergarments
a token black wizard Kreacher’s stained loincloth
breeding dragons illegally
crumple-horned Snorkacks Dolores Umbridge being gangbanged by Centaurs Peter Pettigrew's leftover finger weird sorcererous kinks
getting a finger in the anus by a Dementor
wizarding lingerie
“There’s no need to call me, ‘Sir’ Professor”
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good
holding onto your wand for dear life
Barty Crouch Jr's tongue thing
using the time turner to go back in time to fuck yourself
shipping Luna and Neville
they will be missed using your safe-word Dolores Umbridge
Long boring speeches about love or some shit
the Dementor's kiss using nicknames like "Snuffles"
a vibrating battery-operated Nimbus 2000
"you know who" never coming back
from holiday in Albania
wishing you had a Time-Turner so you could go back and kill Voldemort
spending 48 hours with the Dursleys to get
some blood protection
how hot Voldemort used to be
shoelaces McGonagall's wrinkled vagina
an edition of Witch Weekly
because Dumbledore said so
getting fucked in the arse
getting fucked by a giant
Voldemort's nose decimating your arsehole with interspecies fun
classical Harry Potter erotica
betraying your friend to the Dark Lord
can you stop needing people to die for you?
forcing an entire species to cook you dinner and clean your linens
dressing like a filthy Muggle
Mudblood
Voldemort's (lack of a) nose
running around the Great Hall, casting curses and screaming like a Hungarian Horn-tail
Lavender Brown
gay wizards snorting Floo Powder to go on a mental journey
James Potter playing with a snitch for no discernible reason
Dobby watching you while you sleep
Wixen pornographic magazines
pumpkin pasties Albus Dumbledore running naked in the halls
how sexy Tom Riddle used to be
memory charms getting drunk on butterbeer
Cho Chang’s yeast infection
Cedric Diggory drowning in pussy
Snape's diary drunken House Elves
getting gangbanged by centaurs
enjoying getting slapped in the face
a furry little problem
having a Weasley load of children
mischief managed the undoubtedly dangerous hobby of collecting rare dragon eggs
wearing Neville's Gran's clothes
Blast-Ended Skrewts hiding Hermione's breasts for one more movie
Percy Weasley's freckled, tight arse
probity probes filling the house cup with fire whiskey
waiting until my father hears about this
the Forbidden Forest Harry Potter whining like the little bitch he is
wwo thousand
defective broomsticks
tickling sleeping dragons
deciding the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor would be a great move professionally Professor Slughorn having explosive diarrhoea
catching the snitch in your vagina
arousal potions
wand envy “Fetus Deletus” having a Puffeskein for a Patronus
Ron’s semen the depths of wizarding Hell
inappropriate snitch flesh memories
wearing nothing under your robes
Bellatrix blowing Tom Riddle
Dolores Umbridge bathing in virgin’s blood
using Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder to snog in private
an enchanted mirror that calls you a
dickhead
someone with a bird fetish vising the owlery
catching the Snitch when your team is down 160 points
a minimum-security Azkaban where the inmates get rehabilitated instead of tortured Draco's apple casting engorgio on your boobs
Judas Black a happy little House Elf
waking up next to Fenrir Greyback
magical nudes that move
Alastor Moody's third wooden leg
“The emotional range of a teaspoon”
tying one's hair up with ribbons
being sorted into Jigglypuff
getting lost in a giant's vagina
Rubeus Hagrid all your best friends dying
avoiding dunderheaded morons with no talent for potions
milking the snake Dumbledore's magical wardrobe
accidentally having a signature move, like a shitty, wizarding
wrestler
chocolate frogs Severus Snape in PVC
a quidditch match that lasts three years
a scarf enchanted with a dozen protective
charms
getting your arse kicked by a tree
changing the Room of Requirement into a sex dungeon
getting drunk with Slughorn
the overwhelming cuteness of Luna Lovegood
Draco Malfoy in a sexy Draco Malfoy in a sexy nurse's outfit
nurse's outfit
realising your pet rat is realising your pet rat is a demented killer
a demented killer
Rita Skeeter's Quick Rita Skeeter's Quick Quotes Quill
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taking Hermione into taking Hermione into the bathroom to play the bathroom to play ‘hide the basilisk’ ‘hide the basilisk’
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being as shit at being as shit at Quidditch as the Quidditch as the Chudley Cannons Chudley Cannons
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upgrading from owl post to electronic mail
getting into someone's Chamber of Secrets
Crookshanks
Black Hermione giving Severus Snape shampoo for Christmas
fucking a House Elf
trying to get your phone to work at Hogwarts and
mutilating its circuitry beyond all recognition
Pansy Parkinson cockroach clusters freckled testicles
Dean and Seamus – at the same time
random red-headed splinched twat floating in the Room of
Requirement
Babbity Rabbity's Cackling Stump
what Aberforth did with that goat
Cho Chang Drinking unicorn blood
Draco Malfoy's
perfectly coiffed hair
a report on cauldron bottom thickness
Luna Lovegood losing her clothes
the sound of Arthur and Molly Weasley
shagging loudly in the room next door
whipping out the Elder Wand
PANTILONIUS POOPICUS!
I shouldn’t have said that
being a dick to children a Puffeskein with a taste for smegma
breaking into Gringotts
wizarding pornographic magazines
talking pictures Gilderoy Lockhart wearing glasses
Luna’s goblin testicle earrings
dressing like a punk firing red sparks into the air whilst balls deep in the Triwizard Cup
Rowena Ravenclaw's Diadem
playing wizards chess with your penis as the king
the real reason James was called “Prongs”
George Weasley sexually explicit Howlers
killing the ice cream man just for giggles
Roonil Wazlib using transfiguration for punishment
the colour orange
a capable Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor
Crookshanks, the bandy-legged ginger cat
the real reason Cho Chang left China
Harry Potter's delicious asshole
sexting via owl asking the question: “Is it really bestiality?”
freshly fondled cornish pixies
sleeping with Wormtail every night
Dobby's sock
a white peacock Ariana Dumbledore having sex with a Metamorphmagus
Remus Lupin’s pubes love potion rape pranks from Peeves
Ginny Weasley’s 16th birthday
Voldemort’s hairless ballsack
naming kids after dead parents
using the invisibility cloak to sneak into the girl’s bathroom
Draco Malfoy's
obviously bleached hair
a very affectionate lethifold
Snape teaching about anal fisting with a
snitch
a Nimbus 2000 pissing in someone’s Butterbeer
the Philosopher's Stone Rubeus Hagrid in a mankini
using a broomstick as marital aid
Amortentia Remus Lupin's sexy librarian look
dancing naked in Dobby’s tea cosy
fucking actual animals while in your Animagus form
having to take your grandmother to St Mungo’s for a sex related injury
realizing that Neville is the hot one
conjuring dildos and making them attack your enemies
giving Dobby used underwear
Remus Lupin's time of the month
the shit names Harry gave his kids
waving around a stick Lupin and Tonks’ frigid corpses
Andromeda Tonks Draco Malfoy rolling on the floor
Remus Lupin's heterosexuality
Veela allure a little black dress Dirk Cresswell
seeing Fred's reflection seeing Fred's reflection rather than his own rather than his own
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piercing
making a ridiculously making a ridiculously over the top anagram of over the top anagram of your name your name Winky's drinking Winky's drinking problem problem
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JK Rowling giving all of JK Rowling giving all of her money to charity, her money to charity, and not being able to and not being able to afford her rent
afford her rent
e
emmoottiioonnaal l aabbuussee PPoollyyjjuuiicce e ppoottiioonn induced furry sex induced furry sex
Mrs Weasley’s fruitcake Mrs Weasley’s fruitcake fucking in front of fucking in front of portraits portraits
the Fountain of Fair the Fountain of Fair Fortune
Fortune
wondering if Tonks' wondering if Tonks' carpet match her carpet match her drapes
magical dick piercings Wormtail the Deathly Hallows
sexual secrecy Dementors that suck your soul out through your dick
punching Malfoy in his white skinny face
having your dad as a Patronus
thinking the Forbidden Forest is a great
vacation spot
a flying car stealing Seamus Finnigan's lucky charms
a Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love
the last Wizard on earth my wand Voldemort's blank, flat crotch Toads. Thousands of them forgetting to use ‘Reparo’ on your condom
Remus Lupin's wolfy passions
pulling Godric
Gryffindor's sword out of my pants
a minimum-security Azkaban where the inmates get
rehabilitated instead of tortured
a magical disappearing act
George's missing ear crying because of Fred a twenty-foot-long basilisk
casual manipulation of the facts
a pointy hat a romantic date in the Chamber of Secrets
the eternal horror of the worst monster: a
Muggle dentist
Hagrid Hufflepuff being the
stoner house
a sneaky handjob probably sex bending over the soap in Azkaban
a Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes wet dream charm
the Golden Snatch not knowing your dragon is female
Hagrid's undoubtedly huge penis
using a time turner to have sex with your past self
realising that fog is Dementor jizz
ending slavery Madam Pomfrey Ron and Hermione’s sex tape
the only Jew at Hogwarts
seducing every single person on the
Hogwarts staff
a shitload of Dungbombs
the Giant Squid dry humping a
cardboard cutout of Cedric
setting things on fire
10 points to Gryffindor King's Cross Station tricks and treats
Draco and Harry 69ing summoning underwear from the girls’ dorm
Severus Snape's
Snape, Snape, Severus Snape
Hagrid’s pubic hair Ludo Bagman
Padfoot's tendency to shed dog hair
Merpeople fetish EXPELLIARMUS!
using firearms or nuclear weapons instead of magic
Sirius Black; the
world’s biggest drama queen
attempting to seduce Professor McGonagall
the Maurauders Pomona Sprout combing one's hair
Nox Floo powder power having a magical
accident that sends you to St Mungo's a bunch of Gryffinwhores and Hufflesluts spending time in Dumbledore's office spending an eternity in Azkaban
awkwardly sharing a scone at Madam
Puddifoot's while your date cries
a one-eyed witch with a hump
James Potter’s stag dick
turning a Nokia into your final Horcrux
dying so hard the only thing that's left is a finger
Professor Trelawney’s drinking habit
enchanting erotic pictures so that they move
posters of motorcycles and muggle women in bikinis
some bird named Audrey
the Minister of Magic stood in a toilet
playing a rousing game of Quidditch
being up a troll's arse
getting drunk on butterbeer
wearing a vibrator in Potions class
the potential sexual application of being a Metamorphagus
Oliver Wood, the walking innuendo
skipping meals to read in the library
massive, massive dicks the uncomfortable fact of Hagrid's conception
Voldemort performing the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy
being sorted into Slytherin
Voldemort's noseless face
Dean Thomas' life like portraits
Professor McGonagall feeding you biscuits
the lovechild of Donald Trump and Dolores Umbridge
Peter Pettigrew calling Severus Snape a fuckboy
Slytherin dungeon porn
Lucius Malfoy clad in French lingerie
cradling the dead body of the girl who rejected you in high school
the actual love triangle between Harry, Ron and Hermione
the cupboard under the stairs
stop staring and kill the fucking Dark Lord, oh my God, how are you not dead yet?
inappropriate Ravenclaws
Platform 9 ¾ flying under the influence
a broken Sneakoscope
assuming all squibs are retarded
the Imperius Curse herbology
my father will hear about this!
the Sorting Hat's message of unity
I figured my grade
couldn't get any worse, so why bother?
the Diagon Alley sex shop
a secret room full of dead students
Dumbledore shitting all over a house-elf
Emma Watson becoming Minister for Magic
owning a small dragon
Harry’s limp wand being Harry freaking Potter
an undetectable extension charm
Voldemort’s noseless face explaining basic physics to wizards a secret in class handjob
vomiting up slugs getting ridiculously drunk
the scarf of sexual preference
using Unforgivable Curses on children
AVADA KEDAVRA! He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
Hagrid and Madame Olympe Maxime’s sex tape
the bizarre and horrific ordeal that conceived Rubeus Hagrid
living in a large bird cage
the Polyjuice potion moaning like Myrtle Ron Weasley in a beautiful blue dress
seducing Minerva McGonagall
inappropriate use of one's Animagus form
Fudge's green bowler hat
getting baked with
super strong enchanted wizard weed
ringing the bell holding onto your wand for dear life
Expectopatro-nads!
Peter Pettigrew
watching little boys change
using swords in the bedroom
losing your glasses a sordid affair with Remus Lupin
losing the House Cup because Harry and his friends went on another fucking adventure
Harry Potter breaking just about every rule and getting 100 house points for it
Hermione’s ball gown on the floor
Parseltonguing someone's
trousersnake
a filthy mudblood Professor Umbridge's unspeakable
experience in the Forbidden Forest
herding thousands of snakes into battle
a Sirius and Buckbeak porno
taking note of Cormac McLaggen’s girth
having an orgy with the entire Slytherin
Quidditch team
pink robes sleeping with all the Weird Sisters
After months of practicing magic, I think I’m finally ready for ________.
I overdosed on Felix Felicis and found ________.
Lucius Malfoy didn't realize he had actually given Dobby his
________
After the Sorting Hat was placed on his head, Harry did not expect the voice in his ear to whisper
________.
Tom Riddle was
shocked when Ginny began to write about ________ in the Diary
The Room of
Requirement can turn into whatever you happen to need, for example, just the other day I found it full of ________!
After a subtle mistake in the brewing of the Polyjuice Potion,
Hermione was shocked to find out she had
turned into ________.
Weasley's Wizard Wheezes has gotten into a fair bit of trouble regarding their sale of ________.
While Harry was struggling with
Occlumency, Snape got a glimpse of ________.
The whole party was shocked to find
________ in the Lestrange's vault.
Rita Skeeter is back with a scandalous
article about ________.
Mr. Filch would like me to remind you that
________ is strictly off-limits.
Eye of rabbit, harp string hum. Turn this water into ________.
The next Triwizard Tournament has the Champions battling ________.
________ will be teaching defense against the dark arts this year.
Many Hogwarts
students went to the hospital wing with complaints of
________.
Filch has finally banned ________ from the halls
at Hogwarts.
Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs' first invention,
________, didn't go quite as well.
________ is really
hidden in the Chamber of Secrets
Master has given Dobby ________! Dobby is free!
Neville Longbottom was surprised when he reached into the
Sorting Hat and found ________.
What's that spell? ________ replied
Hermione.
In retrospect, it was a dead giveaway when they said their
Amortentia smelled like ________.
The Ministry of Magic has just announced that they have put a new tax on ________.
Inside my Chamber of Secrets there is
________.
Lucius Malfoy’s loves nothing more than ________.
Damn! I forgot to do my ________ homework.
When you are done with the Marauder's Map, simply say ________.
Slytherins are known for their cunning, cleverness and ________.
________ is probably a Horcrux.
Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts! He must ________.
Next from JK Rowling, “Harry Potter and the Order of ________”.
When Ron got to the boggart, he was
surprised to find that it had taken the shape of ________.
Hogwarts school song goes, "Hogwarts,
Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts, ________. "
In today's Charms
lesson, I will teach you the spell for ________.
Then Bellatrix
Lestrange cackled with glee and said,
Acceptable pets at
Hogwarts include cats, owls and ________.
Everyone laughed when they found out Draco Malfoy's
patronus was ________.
The only thing you can say about Hufflepuffs is ________.
Gryffindors are well known for ________.
________ is the real reason that there won’t be another Harry Potter book.
If Dumbledore hadn't fallen for Grindlewald, his second choice would have been ________.
When Ron Weasley isn't afraid of spiders he's afraid of ________.
When Daniel Radcliffe isn't playing Cards against Humanity he's ________.
Before Filch became the Hogwarts caretaker he was ________.
________ is the heir of Slytherin.
________ is how I got stains on the invisibility cloak.
The Room of
Requirement requires more ________.
Deep within the bowels of Gringotts, is a vault filled with nothing but ________.
The newest mini game on Pottermore features ________.
Madame Trelawney sees ________ in your future.
Upon puberty witches and wizards at
Hogwarts are taught to avoid ________.
In truth Hagrid was really expelled from Hogwarts because of ________.
My patronus is________.
Instead of using blood for ink Dolores
Umbridge uses ________.
Before traveling by
toilet became the norm, the Ministry used
________ as a Portkey.
I see ________ in the mirror of erised.
Word is that for 50 galleons you can purchase ________ from the trolley.
I found a ton of ________ in the
restricted section.
The Tri-Wizard
tournament was finally banned after having ________ as a task.
When Wormtail forgets his Death Eater mask he wears ________ on his face as a disguise.
________ is why Snape rhymes with rape.
Voldemort's plan B involved ________ and ________.
Hermione also had a lot of ________ in her
magic bag.
When no one is looking Professor McGonagall transforms into
________.
Moaning Myrtle moans because of ________.
Honeydukes now offers ________ covered in ________ .
PICK 2
The Room of
Requirement had just what I needed:
________.
The Hogwarts Express mysteriously stopped at ________ this year to pick up ________. PICK 2 The Department of Mysteries is now studying ________ to improve the lives of Muggles and wizards alike.
After overdosing on Felix Felicis, I couldn't stop ________.
Polyjuice Potion
prepared with my hair tastes and smells like ________.
Educational Decree No. 45: The Ministry of
Magic names ________ the new Head of
Hogwarts.
________ IN THE DUNGEON! Thought you'd like to know.
________ stinks!
Support ________, the REAL Hogwarts
Champion!
PICK 2 This book is the
property of the Half-Blood ________.
J.K. Rowling recently said she regrets forcing a relationship between ________ and
________.
PICK 2
When I look in the Mirror of Erised, I see myself ________.
There should be a new book that pairs Severus Snape and ________.
Don't miss Gilderoy Lockhart's newest book: ________ with ________. PICK 2 My boggart is a ________.
The worst Bertie Bott's Everyflavor Bean I ever ate tasted like
________.
________ is such a Hufflepuff.
No unicorn hair here. My wand has a core made of ________.
In an alternate version of the epilogue,
Hermione Granger ends up with ________.
One of the least known uses of dragon's blood is ________.
Due to a security breach, the new password for the
prefects' bathroom is ________.
The Marauders
neglected to map the secret passage into Hogwarts found in ________.
When she's not in her U-bend, Moaning Myrtle can be found ________ around Hogwarts. Ollivander considers ________ an inferior material for wandmaking.
Death Eater activity has
Death Eater activity has
been blamed for
been blamed for
________.
________.
HARRY, DID YOU PUT
HARRY, DID YOU PUT
YOUR ________ IN THE YOUR ________ IN THE ________? ________? PICK PICK 22
Next year's Yule Ball
Next year's Yule Ball
will be DJed by
will be DJed by
________.
________.
The Misuse of Muggle
The Misuse of Muggle
Artifacts recently
Artifacts recently
punished some
punished some
Muggle-baiter
Muggle-baiters s forfor
________.
________.
Grawp finally learned a
Grawp finally learned a
useful skill:
useful skill: ________.________.
Due to dementor
Due to dementor
desertion, Azkaban will
desertion, Azkaban will
now be guarded by
now be guarded by
________.
________.
Never trust anything
Never trust anything
that can think for itself
that can think for itself
if you can't see where it
if you can't see where it
keeps its ________.
keeps its ________.
Moony
Moony, , Wormtail,Wormtail,
Padfoot and Prong’s
Padfoot and Prong’s
first invention, first invention, ________, ________, didn’t godidn’t go quite as well. quite as well. Neville Longbottom Neville Longbottom
was surprised when he
was surprised when he
reached into the
reached into the
Sorting Hat and found
Sorting Hat and found
________.
The next Triwizard
The next Triwizard
Tournament has the
Tournament has the
Champions battling Champions battling ________. ________. ________ w ________ will beill be teaching Defense teaching Defense
Against the Dark Arts.
Against the Dark Arts.
Filch has finally banned
Filch has finally banned
________ f
________ from the hallsrom the halls
at Hogwarts.
at Hogwarts.
Lucius Malfoy didn’t
Lucius Malfoy didn’t
realise he had actually
realise he had actually
given Voldemort
given Voldemort
________.
________.
Tom Riddle was
Tom Riddle was
shocked when Ginny
shocked when Ginny
began to write about
began to write about
________ i
________ in the diaryn the diary..
Dumbledore has hidden
Dumbledore has hidden
________ in
________ in the Roomthe Room
of Requirement.
of Requirement.
After a mistake in
After a mistake in
brewing the Polyjuice
brewing the Polyjuice
Potion, Hermione
Potion, Hermione
turned into
turned into ________.________.
While Harry was
While Harry was
struggling with
struggling with
Occlumency, Snape got
Occlumency, Snape got
a glimpse of ________.
a glimpse of ________.
Rita Skeeter is back
Rita Skeeter is back
with a scandalous
with a scandalous
article about
Mr. Filch would like me
Mr. Filch would like me
to remind you that
to remind you that
________ is
________ is strictly strictly off-
off-limits.
limits.
The Quibbler rejected
The Quibbler rejected
my story about my story about ________. ________. I would consider I would consider ________ in ________ in exchangeexchange
for a chocolate frog.
for a chocolate frog.
The lesser known
The lesser known
Fourth brother brazenly
Fourth brother brazenly
asked Death for
asked Death for
________. ________. Hogwart’s newest Hogwart’s newest detention: cleaning detention: cleaning ________ b ________ by hand.y hand.
As a new rule, this year
As a new rule, this year
students are
students are forbiddenforbidden
to enter ________. to enter ________. E Eaat _t ______________ M_ Maallffooyy!! YYoouu’’rre ge gooiinng tg to go geet ut uss ________. ________. Or worsOr worse,e, expelled! expelled! Snape uses ________ Snape uses ________
to style his hair.
I keep ________ in my moleskin pouch.
Luna and Hagrid found that they have a
common interest in ________.
Slytherin will help you on the way to ________.
________: bad enough to give Mad-Eye Moody nightmares.
The real reason Nick is only ‘nearly headless’ is because he was ________.
It was a real surprise when my Boggart turned into ________.
And third, to Mr. Harry Potter for ________. I award Gryffindor house 60 points.
Professor Trelawney found ________ in my teacup.
The rememberall kept telling Neville that he forgot about ________.
Umbridge has been forcing people to write lines that carved
________ into their flesh.
Next time you’ll have to put ________ in the Goblet of Fire to compete.
Harry even tried
swallowing ________ to win his next Quidditch match.
________ is now
banned in the corridors of Hogwarts.
Pity the living Harry, and above all, pity those without
________.
I like beautiful
evenings, long walks in the Forbidden Forest and ________ with a centaur.
If it weren’t for
________, I wouldn’t have spent that time in Azkaban.
“Here,” Professor Lupin said to Harry, handing him ________. “Eat it. It’ll help.”
Fluffy goes right to sleep at the sound of ________.
I saw you ________ on the Maraunders Map last night with
________.
PICK 2
Death Eaters smell like ________.
Honeydukes now carries a candy that turns you into
________.
Dolores Umbridge made it her mission at Hogwarts to crack down on ________. Accio ________! (It came). I can’t go to Hogsmeade, I have 12 scrolls about ________ due tomorrow! For 200 Chocolate Frogs, the Slytherins can arrange for
________ to be smuggled into the castle.
After ________
Hermione knew she had to choose Ron.
The prefects go crazy with ________ when everyone else is in bed.
Which came first,
________ or ________?
PICK 2
Remus Lupin’s guilty pleasure is ________.
I’m sorry Professor, but I couldn’t complete my homework because I was ________. Education Decree Number Twenty-Seven: ________. ________ is not very pureblood of you.
I was banned from playing Quidditch because of ________.
The Fat Lady, drunk with power, decided to change the password to ________.
Voldemort split
________ into 7 pieces.
“Harry, please. You’re talking to the man who raised ________.”
The lost tale of the Beedle the Bard: Babbity Rabbity and ________.
________is the reason boys aren’t allowed in the girls’ dormitories.
You have your mother’s ________.
I accidentally
transfigured ________ into ________.
PICK 2
50 points for getting ________ through
Myrtle’s head.
“Look at what my father got me, it’s ________!” Draco bragged.
Mrs. Weasley’s
Christmas present from Mr. Weasley was
________.
I drink firewhisky to forget ________.
Snape finds ________ disturbing yet oddly charming.
Tom Marvolo Riddle: I am ________. To me, Amortentia smells like ________, ________, and ________. PICK 3 DRAW 2 “Professor Slughorn, sir, I wondered what you could tell me about ________?”
Any wizard in his right mind would be
ashamed of ________.
Feels like firewhisky, tastes like ________.
Don’t miss Gilderoy Lockhart’s newest book: ________ and ________.
PICK 2 Grawp finally learned a
useful skill: ________.
________ beyond measure is man’s greatest treasure.
I lost my wand inside ________.
It is rumoured amongst Death Eaters that
Voldemort secretly enjoys ________.
Due to Dementors deserting Azkaban, it will now be guarded by ________.
Who would have thought the Portkey would be ________?
________ is the worst thing a Ravenclaw has ever been accused of doing.
Next year’s Yule Ball will feature ________.
Today we will be
learning to ________.
Dumbledore should have never hidden
________ from Harry for so long.
I don’t know how I got it but this ________ on my forehead is pretty wicked.
The newest
Unforgivable Curse causes the inflicted to experience ________.
________ cannot be penetrated by hand, vanished, parted, scooped up or siphoned away.
I never expected to find ________ under
Proffesor McGonagall’s robes.
When Ginny thinks about Harry’s penis, she can’t help but think about ________.
Bill Weasley really struggles with ________.
Hagrid removes the sole item inside vault 713: ________.
My attempt at a
Philosopher’s Stone changes ordinary metal into ________.
I managed to lose our house 100 points by ________.
Mrs. Weasley calls Mr. Weasley ________ when they are alone together
After overdosing on Felix Felicis, I couldn’t stop ________.
There was a mass
break-out in Azkaban. I heard they used
________ to escape.
________ will lie in the Chamber forever.
Because Ginny had six brothers, she learned a lot about ________.
Dumbledore was secretly in love with ________ all along.
Ron’s broken wand accidentally Accio’d ________.
I never expected to take the form of a ________ when I became an
Animagus.
Moony, Wormtail,
Padfoot and ________.
This year, the Hogwarts Express mysteriously stopped for ________.
Professor Trelawney actually correctly predicted ________.
Did you hear? There was an accident in
Potions that resulted in ________.
Quirrell is hiding ________ under his
turban.
Your new Charms
professor is ________.
In secret, Hermione Granger goes to the library to think about ________.
________: The latest flavour of beans.
Mudbloods are best known for ________.
The 'Doofus Maximus' charm has the same effect as ________.
Why weren't you in potions?" asked Ron. "________" Harry
replied.
In his latest unorthodox adventure, Harry Potter must face his fear of ________ to defeat ________.
Dobby's last word(s) should have been ________.
My friend lost his house 75 points for ________.
The thing made George Weasley cry most on his birthday was
________.
If you ask me, ________ was the most useless character in the entire franchise.
They call me the Harry Potter of ________.
________ is the new craze amongst teenage witches these days.
________ was part of Professor Snape's daily routine.
Even ________ would have been a better name than Albus Severus.
Ew. No way, not even if you were ________.
The number one 'awww' worthy thing at
Hogwarts is ________.
Snape died thinking ________. Voldemort's animagus would be ________. ________ is strictly forbidden in the common room.
This year at Hogwarts I'm really looking
forward to ________. We won't lose to Ravenclaw, Slytherin, or ________. Everybody knows Hogwarts' biggest player is ________. Freeze motherfuckers it's ________!
After Quidditch was cancelled, everyone turned to playing ________.
I can't believe Harry Potter got away with ________.
After seven years, Lily Evans finally fell in love with James Potter after ________.
________: The lesser known, fifth house at Hogwarts.
The only way to kill Voldemort is ________.
________ only costs 7 galleons.
My father will hear about ________.
Dumbledore was in love with ________.
"No need to call me, ________ , Professor."
Tom Riddle's next Horcrux is ________.
Harry ________ Potter. Hermione ________ Granger.
Ronald ________ Weasley.
Harry Potter and the ________ of ________.
PICK 2
"It's leviosa, not ________."
________ is seriously not the weirdest thing at Hogwarts.
"I'm going to bed, before either of you come up with another clever idea to get us killed or worse:
________ ."
Harry is naming his next kid ________ ________ Potter
PICK 2
"Why spiders? Why
couldn't it be ' ________ ?'"
My Patronus is ________.
J.K. Rowling recently said in an interview she regrets that ________ and ________ didn't end up together.
PICK 2
In a peculiar turn of events the new Bertie Bott Bean will taste like ________.
In the latest Hogwarts scandal, students have been found using
________ to get themselves off.
As his first act as Minister of Magic, Kingsley Shacklebolt created the Department of ________.
Slytherins are best known for there cunning,
resourcefulness and their ________.
In secret, Hermione goes to the library to think about ________. ________ is probably a horcrux. ________ : new from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes.
In his latest world domination strategy, Voldemort will use ________ to conquer
the Ministry of Magic!
Today's Potter angst is brought to you by ________. Hogwarts school of witchcraft and ________. I'm allergic to ________, I'm a Hufflepuff. Manipulating children is fine when you're ________. Dumbledore grieves over ________. ________ sent me to Azkaban. Bellatrix Lestrange is on trial for ________.
Severus Snape touches his n ipples and thinks about ________.
He kept trying to cast Engorgio charms on ________.
I don't think you should add ________ to this situation.
Kingsley Shacklebolt is deathly afraid of
________.
If you don't like
________, why not just go to Beauxbatons?
Ravenclaws are really good at ________.
I mean, ________? Really? So cliché.
I'd hate to have
________ as a dueling opponent. Is ________ such a good idea? Why is it that ________ is so sexy?
________ is
surprisingly good in bed.
My mum just sent a
Howler about ________.
Lucius Malfoy strokes his wand over
________.
Why do I always win? I'll tell you why:
________.
Harry Potter really likes ________ in bed.
What's more fun than ________?
Mad-Eye Moody gets hot at thoughts of ________.
There's a spell for ________.
How can you have sex with ________
He just started
conjuring ________. I thought it was a terrible idea.
________ should be legal.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of ________.
________? They're not so dangerous.
My vagina is full of ________.
Sirius Black really likes ________.
________ is the reason Molly and Arthur
Weasley got married.
In fighting against ________, Hogwarts
can only become more united.
I need more ________ in my life," said
________.
I got ________ for Christmas.
What am I scared is hiding under my bed? ________, that's what.
If I had a Horcrux, I'd use ________ as a vessel.
________'s primary kink is ________.
PICK 2
I'll trade you a chocolate frog for ________. Voldemort finds ________ very sexy indeed. ________ is even better than ________. PICK 2 Dumbledore never answers my owls about ________.
We can only defeat ________ by using ________.
I would love to have dinner with ________.
When Narcissa Malfoy masturbates, she
thinks about ________.
When Bellatrix
Lestrange masturbates, she fantasizes about ________.
________ should be punished by ________.
PICK 2
What is unethical about ________?
________ likes the idea of getting fucked by the Giant Squid.
________ is
surprisingly easy to accomplish.
I didn't expect the
Room of Requirement to give me ________.
The Weasley twins wank over ________ and ________
respectively.
Ah, ________. Just like Granny used to make.
________ can kill you, you know.
I got this bruise from ________.
Narcissa Malfoy
blushes at thoughts of ________.
________ put me in St Mungo's for two weeks.
________ is what I use as my memory for my Patronus.
The password is “________”.
And then, everything was ruined by
________.
I most admire Severus Snape for ________.
