Blaming each other

WCI5 stated how to deal with blaming each other. She would reflect back

and stop the person who was blaming and then ask the partner how he felt about

what she said. She would try to keep it balanced so she monitored the time given to

each of them and she did not allow either of them too much power in the

counselling session. One of the key factors in couple therapy was not to allow one

person to dominate or to abuse the other.

“I would reflect back. I would stop that person who was blaming. Then I

would ask the other partner how he feels about what she said. I would try to keep it balanced. I wouldn't give or allow that person to have too much time. Once they had said a bit, I would stop them because I wouldn't want to let them have too much power in the counselling session. Therefore I would make an example of there is two sides. There are two of them and just one person can't dominate. I believe not to let one person dominate the other and abuse the other. And if one of them does, I would quietly and firmly say that should not go on in a session [Appendix 16].”

When WCI15 was in the situation of the couple blaming each other, she

demonstrated how it came across and then she explored how they communicated

with one another. Her aim was to help the couple to become aware of their own

communication dynamics so that they might change and do it differently. Blaming

each other was the result of failing to own their own feelings. When people were

not sure of the facts, they made assumptions. When people were not allowed to

speak, they made assumptions. When people were not listened to properly, they

made assumptions. Exploration of the conflict brought the assumptions to light.

Then it would have been appropriate to look at the parent-adult-child role to see

how they communicated with each other and how they might communicate in a

some specific examples and make a diary for the following week of how they

might use a particular situation and try to do it differently. In this way, the couple

could begin to see the light and rather than blame they could begin to negotiate.

“That is where I would look at how they communicate with each other

and how that ends up in becoming blame because that is when we don't own our own feelings. We say to somebody, ‘You made me feel....’ Rather than that, 'I feel angry when you talk to me that way.’ I would give them an example. I would say, 'It seems to me that one says this and then the other says that, with the interpreting questions, ‘How does that make you feel? And if I were to say this to you, how would you then feel, would you feel differently?’ So I would get them to almost, I would demonstrate what it looked like and does and how the conflict would continue and naturally rise. From that sort of pattern I can get assumptions because people are not clear, they are not allowed to speak and they are not listened to correctly. So again we would maybe role play that. But I would certainly look in that situation at the parent-adult-child role and how we communicate with one another and how we might communicate more assertively with one another and be clearer about things, and looking at some specific examples and a diary of the following week of how they might use that particular situation and do it differently. You are looking at how you might change the dynamics of that. And again once you can do that, the couples become a little bit more aware, 'Yea, I tend to blame you and you do this. Yea, then I blame you.’ So people tend to then negotiate a little bit. It isn't easy to do that because it is a suggestion made by a couple therapist and may be it doesn't go quite as well as planned, then that is got wrong, rather than I told you that wouldn't work and then the conflict starts again. I think when couples are coming back on a regular basis, it gives them an opportunity to explore that hopefully in a safe environment and then go away and practice it a little bit more what didn’t go so well and then explore that further. ‘It didn't go so good, so let us look at why it didn't go so good, how we might have done that differently’[Appendix 12].”

WCI15 believed that the therapist had sometimes to let the people know that they

were blaming each other and how to get rid of it before it went too far. The

therapist had to be honest enough with the couple to try and get them to use their

time beneficially.

“I think sometimes you do have to point out that people are blaming each

other and how that escalates and how we might defuse that sooner, and be honest enough with couples and try and get them to use their time

out well in a way that doesn't mean anything to anybody. It could be a suit you don't like or a word that makes you sigh a lot just to defuse the situation. If somebody is starting to blame somebody and they are not getting a word in, and they are not quite sure how to handle it, they might just say, and it might be enough to just say, 'Oh yes, I am shouting again, I am kind of going on.’ Sometimes it can just ease the moment for a second. Sometimes it might be all the strategies to a sort of let us use that one at the next session. It might be that you suggest that they put on the kettle and sit down and have a cup of tea and a biscuit together and calm the whole situation down. You don't necessarily have to have great big things. It can be simple strategies to just take out the conflict for that split second and for them to take responsibility for their own behaviour [Appendix 12].”

WCI13 mentioned why couples blame each other and how she helped

them to stop blaming each other.

“Well, it is a gradual process of listening to the other person and hearing

that the other person has a valid point of view and that while may be one of them is, both of them aren't over reacting. So they have to separate out their points of view. Often they blame each other and they get very what we call ‘merged’ and too close together, and they can't see the other person as a separate individual. And the healthy relationship needs to have two separate individuals who are both strong themselves, who have good self-esteem. Often people have low self-esteem and they blame the other one for making them feel the way they feel. But actually it is up to them to sort out their own self-esteem. And sometimes we will suggest that one or other or both of them has individual therapy to help build up their self-esteem. Also what I do is that I make out a diagram with the words on it, parent, adult and child. I just say now, which do you think you are? And which do you think your partner is? And I often put that to them as well to help them to see what is going on. Then they become aware of the fact that they are not operating as adults. And there you can be a child sometimes and sometimes a parent. It is best to have the couple operate as two adults and so I suggest that they try to work at that point of view [Appendix 14].”

MCP9 found that feelings got overwhelming if they were not heard. He

maintained that hearing the client’s feelings lessened the intensity. He helped them to realise the hurt and the pain of being blamed.

“Feelings are usually overwhelming because they are not heard. My

process for both partners. I try and suggest ground rules such as neither to blame nor criticize. I help them to realize how hurt they can feel when they feel that they are being blamed and that they are being criticized and therefore how it might help the relationship if blaming, criticizing and judging are minimized [Appendix 15].”

WCI32 tried to help the couple not to blame each other by using different

language. She identified what the partner who was blaming was feeling. She

worked on helping the couple to speak for themselves and to get used to saying ‘I’. She found that using ‘You’ kept them going round in circles and coming across as accusing faultless people themselves. WCI32 had to teach them to break that

vicious circle. She stopped them, explained what was happening, and she helped

them to express themselves in a different way.

“Using different language. Identifying what the issues are, what the

person who is blaming is feeling. Actually being able to talk in more 'I' language rather than accusatory type of language and breaking that cycle. Stopping them and getting them to rephrase their needs in a sense in a different way and to understand that that is what is actually happening [Appendix 10].”

In the interviews some couple therapists believed the couple can

actually see the situation through a new perspective which can be helpful (e.g.

WCI32). Many couple therapists actively offer a new perspective to the couple for

several reasons (Johnson, 2008).Each partner has his or her own unique way to

frame reality. Sometimes they are too rigid even to think about the situation or to

behave in another way. Couples need to be creative as most distressed couples need

to discover new and creative ways to think about their problems. Couple therapists

strive to help the couple to look at their situations or problems with new eyes, to

get a new perspective on them so as to be better able to resolve their issues.

As the interviewees mentioned, many of the couples feel they cannot

them in turn gets more and more defensive too. With the help of the therapist’s new

perspective on the problem, the couple can redefine the problem and interrupt ‘the

endless cycle of recriminations.’ The couple may learn from this how to arrive at more optimistic conclusions in any specific problem or situation. Given that the

other partner has good motivation, the couple may come to understand why things

are as they are, and blame their partners for less bad behaviour, faulty motivation

and inappropriate language.

To some couples the conclusion is either black or white and there is no

room in between. They jump from A to Z all at once and thereby narrow their

vision of the whole picture in question. In this case, it will help them to broaden

their horizons and to sift out new information and ideas that will lead them

naturally to change their perceptions. The therapist helps them see a situation from

a different perspective in order to gain different feelings and judgements. It is

necessary for the couples to see their conflict in a new light with new meanings

that call forth new emotions and different beliefs.

How can the therapist offer new perspectives to the couple? Firstly, the

therapist is open with the couples as they share their problems, so that they can

develop a discussion in which new perspectives can emerge. Secondly the therapist

creates a safe environment in which the couple can share what they think and feel

about their distressed situation. Thirdly, the therapist makes active interventions,

gets involved in the dialogue to keep it open and useful, and shares ideas and

information that are deemed relevant to the couple’s dilemma. Fourthly, the therapist strives to find the meanings of what the couple have said, interprets one

partner’s words to the other congruently, but in the most positive way to open up new perspectives. Lastly, the therapist offers new perspectives by pointing out

what the couple is saying and what is missing in what the couple is saying.

blaming or accusing each other. The couple therapist reflects back, interrupts the

partner blaming, and asks the partner being blamed how he feels about what she

says. As a way of teaching the couple better communication skills, the therapist and

the couple together explore the couple’s way of communicating. That can help the couple to grow in awareness of their own communication dynamics and to learn

from their own mistakes. Berg-Cross (1997, p.232) stresses why this is so

important:

Communication that is viewed in a context of resentment and old grudges gets myopically focused on two destructive, overarching interpretative lenses: The first is “I’m right and you’re wrong,” and the other is “Don’t tell me what to do.” Both of these interpretive lenses sabotage the goal of most communication to influence another person to see the world as you do. Stripping these interpretive blinders is essential for improved communication.

The couple therapist needs to let the couple know that they are blaming

each other. Since that kind of bickering escalates, it needs to be defused before it

goes too far. The therapist helps the couple to acknowledge the hurt and the pain of

being blamed and criticised, so that blame and criticism begin to fall out of their

relationship.

In order to reduce blaming the therapist gets them to listen to each other

and to be aware of the other partner as a separate individual. Blaming can originate

from low self-esteem and the therapist helps each partner to work on his or her own

self-esteem. Low self-esteem in a conflict situation manifests itself in the form of