CORE ATTRIBUTES:
A. Physical Attributes:
1. Body Language:
It is difficult to demonstrate body language through the pages of a book. I have taken a series of amateur photographs to help demonstrate, which I will review with you shortly.
Some people refer to these core attributes as alpha-male characteristics. Regardless of how and what they are labeled, they are the behavioral patterns of a confident man and you should internalize them.
It does not matter whose techniques you use. They will not work if the attributes you communicated through subtext come across as weak. You should be aware that you are defeating yourself if you do not have the proper mechanics down. If you appear needy, nervous, or unconfident, you will dramatically cut down the chances of your success with women.
Quick Tips for body language:
Standing: Feet about shoulder-width apart. Do not stand with your feet next to each other.
Arms: Never cross your arms. It’s a sign of being defensive and guarded. Keep your arms relaxed and out of your pockets.
Back: Straight! Keep your back erect and chest slightly forward.
Chin: Above horizon. You should not be facing down towards the ground when you walk. This is a sign of insecurity and fear. Keep your chin up! Look up!
Smile: You should not hesitate to smile, laugh and have a good time. Sound simple, correct? The next time you are at a bar or social gathering, actually observe how many guys you see smiling. You won’t find too many and it’s not because they have bad teeth.
Sitting.
When you sit, are you fidgety? Do you curl into a ball and try to fit in? Or, do you sit comfortably and take your space?
Imagine that you have just enjoyed an incredible home cooked mean. You make your way yourself to the sofa to sit down and watch a highly anticipated movie. You have just eaten a great meal, you feel good, satisfied and are in the comfort of your own home in your favorite comfy sofa.
How would you sit on the couch?
What would be of utmost comfort?
This is similar to the position you should have when sitting in a social gathering.
You are comfortable, you take space, and you don’t care all that much about what others may think. This does not mean throw old ladies and children off a chair and take their place. Don’t take it to the extreme. It simply means being confident and relaxed in your environment.
Do not lean in towards women. It sounds so simple, but I see so many guys doing it.
I have taken a series of photos for demonstrative purposes. Some were taken in actual bars and some were taken in scenic locations for your viewing pleasure.
Let’s examine the photos and I’ll point out what the mistakes and the correct behavior.
Look at photo 1:
What is the impression you get from this photo?
Standing photo 1
Remember that women are far more intuitive than men are. If you can notice uneasiness in the photo, then women are apt to pick it up 10 fold.
Let’s look at it again with the mistakes circled:
Standing Mistakes revealed 1
Notice the mistakes: The male figure is leaning in too much upon approaching the woman. Back is hunched over, his hand is in his pocket, and he is holding his drink in a defensive and guarded position. These are all mistakes. (Holding a drink across your chest in this manner is an unconscious behavior to protect oneself.)
The following is an example of a confident man leaning back.
Standing Confident man 1
I have highlighted the hands on the male figure. Notice the relaxed manner in which he is leaning back against the glass, holding the drink down, completely unguarded. It’s your choice as to whether you want to completely face the girl or not. You can also stand face to face if you wish. The biggest lesson in this photo: If you are able to lean back on something, do it!
One more photo of a confidence stance:
Standing Confident man 2
Again, you can observe that the man is leaning back relaxed against the glass. (This may be hard to tell in this photo.) Arms are relaxed. The woman on the right is reaching across into his space. This is an obvious indicator of interest. During the initial meet, her venture into your personal space won’t be this extreme normally. This is a demo. Also take note that that male figure has positioned himself between the two girls, and yet maintained his confident stance. If there is nothing to lean on, that’s fine. Just be sure to stand tall with your feet should-width apart.
The Ideal:
Standing Confident man 3
The main emphasis of this photo is the woman leaning into the man attempting to hear what he has to say in a loud environment. Anytime, a woman leans in, it is a subtle indicator of interest. If a woman is not interested in you, she will not lean to hear what you have to say. You’ll discover this very quickly. Please remember that these photos indicate cold-approach situations. The more rapport that you establish, the more you can lean in. In fact, it’d be a bit weird if you did not lean in at all later in the interaction.
In the following page, let’s look at a common Mistake Seen Constantly in Bars and Clubs:
common bar scene 1
Upon first glance, this may look funny, but it’s a sad and common scene in bars.
Let’s examine the mistakes: Feet too close together. Hands in pockets, backs hunched over, drinks being held in a defensive posture, looking not relaxed, and not facing each other.
Talk to your female friends regarding such men. They’ll tell you that often times they see them gawking at the women while standing near the female restroom. These men are blown out before they even approach the women.
If you are at a bar with your friend, don’t stand shoulder to shoulder. FACE YOUR FRIEND, talk to him, and have a good time. If you decide to approach women, go for it, but do not stand around in a line and stare at people passing by.
Take a look at the next photo. What’s your impression?
Confident Seating 1
This is simple the image of a man who is very comfortable. In a busy club, there may be no place to sit, let alone a place to rest your feet. Nevertheless, this photo is slightly exaggerated to show extreme comfort.
In the next page, I’ll share with you some typical seating mistakes:
Seating Mistake 1
The man in the photo is leaning over way too far while hunched over. He could just as easily lean back. You won’t find too many suave men going through this discomfort in order to talk to a woman.
The next photo is all too common.
Seating Mistake 2
Go to a bar/club tonight and chances are you’ll see some guy kneeling down in this position in order to talk to a seated woman. This is simply an uncomfortable position for
anyone. Staying in this position communicates that you are willing to tolerate discomfort and pain just to talk to her. She’ll pick up on it very quickly. Find a place to sit. Bring over a chair if you have to. Talk to them for 30 seconds or so, and once you feel you have their interest, say something similar to “I think I’ll join you.” Or “You seem fun/interesting/intelligent/…. I think I’ll join you.” Then look for a chair and bring it over. Sit yourself in it. (The very first time you do this, it will feel weird but do it!
You’ll have a breakthrough that moment.)
The next photo shows a much different seated position:
Confident Seating 2
This is an ideal and a very realistic photo! Notice the way the man is relaxed. He is attentive, but yet, completely relaxed in his own skin and his own environment. There is not even a tiny amount of neediness depicted in his body language. She feels that he is in no way desperate to pursue her. This is attractive. Why? He subcommunicates that he is a bit of challenge to the girl and she will easily sense this.
Being attentive to Indicators of Interest:
Many men are often oblivious to the signs of a woman’s interest. All people subconsciously have mannerisms and actions they take when they are interested in someone. These include biting/licking of the lips, leaning in, asking questions, playing with one’s hair. (Playing with the hair won’t be this extreme. It’ll be subtle!) Some men may wonder why they have never seen these. That’s because they have never been looking for them. They are there. Again, most men are just oblivious to these indicators of interest.
Vocal projection:
This is a simple concept but a hard habit to break. Vocal projection implies talking loud enough to be heard. It does not imply screaming or yelling. Too many guys whisper or mumble. A confident guy does neither.
This will take a lot of practice on your part depending on your natural voice pitch and habits. If you have a deep bass voice like James Earl Jones, you need not concern
yourself much with projection. Since few people have a booming voice that can be heard clearly by everyone, we all could use reminders on vocal projection.
I know a few guys who take this to the extreme. They speak so loudly people in the back of the restaurant can hear them. It’s ridiculous.
Talk loud enough so that your intended audience can hear you.
2. Tonality:
Perhaps even more difficult to describe than body language is tonality.
Tonality can change the meaning of what you say. It also projects emotion.
The emotions that drive the tonality can completely change the meaning.
I shall give you a series exercises to conduct throughout this book.
I have three tips regarding the exercises:
1. Do the exercises.
2. Do the exercises.
3. Do the exercises
For our first tonality exercise, let’s start with a simple one.
Exercise 1:
This first exercise is designed to demonstrate how tonality changes meaning.
Say the following sentence out loud:
I am walking to the store.
Now, try the following variations in of that same sentence. I want you to say the sentence out loud. Please emphasize and yell out the highlighted word.
I am walking to the store.
I am walking to the store.
I am walking to the store.
I am walking to the store.
I am walking to the store.
Lastly, emphatically declare:
I am walking to the store.
Can you see what a difference tonality makes?
In each variation, the underlying meaning of the sentence was different.
When you emphasize “Walking,” it emphasizes your method of travel. In this case, you are walking as opposed to driving, bicycling, or flying, and so forth.
In each variation, the underlying meaning of the sentence was different.
When you emphasize “Store,” you are making clear the destination you are traveling to rather than your mode of travel.
This refers to the old axiom of “It’s not so much what you say, but how you say it.”
Politicians, salesmen, and public speakers are just a few of the people who have an absolute need for proper tonality.
To further illustrate this, I will make use of examples from well-known movies.
One of my favorite dramas is Scent of A Woman starring Al Pacino. I have probably seen the movie at least 5 or 6 times in its entirety. Upon watching it during one of these many times, I realized what a great example of tonality this film could serve.
It would well suit you to go to your local video store and rent the movie. At the very least, you will have watched a great film. It will also help you understand my point.
Of course, the suicidal and retired blind army colonel portrayed by Pacino is not exactly someone you should model your behavior after.
There are some great scenes in this film that will serve as a great study of tonality and demeanor. I will review more in a later chapter.
(NOTE: Again, this is not to encourage you to emulate the tonality of this character.
This example serves as a demonstration of what a difference a powerful tonality can make in everyday interactions.)
The scene I have in mind is the one at the Restaurant where Charlie orders a beer and the waiter asks to see his ID. It is 78:45 minutes into the movie:
Waiter:
May I see some ID?
Slade:
Are you interested in walking the rest of your life chappy? My boy here is going on 23…
Later, in the scene, the waiter gives in and asks:
Waiter:
Any particular beer?
Slade:
Schlitz. No Schlitz, platz. No blatz, improvise.
This is a supreme example of a tonality that encompasses certainty and conviction.
Notice the passion, resolve, certainty and fervor with which the character speaks. He is not yelling or screaming. He is just self-assured.
There is no doubt, hesitation, or reservations in his voice.
What you do not want is monotone or nervous, mumbled speech.
Train yourself to speak slowly and with a certain degree of conviction.
Watch this scene a few times. It will serve you well. Later in this scene, you’ll witness an approach towards a beautiful woman. I’ll break this down for you later in the book in extreme detail.
The tonality, vocal projection, and body language of the Slade character helps give him a very strong frame.
Exercise 2:
Use a tape recorder to record yourself talking. This time do the last exercise I gave you, but use the tape recorder to record it.
The sentence does not have to be “I am walking to the store.”
You could think of more fun and creative sentences.
To make more interesting, try adding people to the sentence.
Example: I am going to the party with Jennifer.
Try saying that while accentuating different words. To show you how much difference tonality can make even in writing, I will illustrate through a fun little sentence. Read the following out loud and be sure to pause on the commas.
Woman, without her, man is nothing!
Woman without her man is nothing.
Do you see how tonality can come through even in writing? It’s even more powerful when spoken.
Why do I have you tape record yourself?
Often most people have no idea what they sound like to other people. We THINK we sound a certain way. However, upon hearing ourselves in recorded conversation, we hear something completely different.
This is why it is so important for you to do these tape recording exercises.
Let’s continue the exercise:
Pick your sentence and try saying it in various ways using different volume, pitch, and speed.
Sentence:
I am going to the party with Jennifer.
*Say it in a flat monotone without accentuation on any word.
How does that sound? How boring is it?
*Say the same sentence with a low volume, almost as if you are whispering it.
*Now, try saying it really fast, as if you are one of those guys selling goods at a public auction.
*Now, try saying it with a loud booming volume.
*Try combinations. Say it loud and slow. Say it loud and fast. Use a deeper/lower voice.
Play the tape recorder back. How do you sound? What impression do you get from each one? Which guy sounds confident? Which one sounds nervous? Which one sounds boring?
Which one sounds excited?
Exercise 3a:
Record yourself saying the following sentence:
“I can’t see you anymore.”
Now, I want you to say the same sentence with the following emotions:
These are the major 5 emotions to focus on.
• Say it with happiness and enthusiasm.
• Say it with sadness
• Say it with Anger
• Say it with love
• Say it with fear.
Play the tape back. Listen to yourself. The very first thing I’d ask is:
What emotion do you hear?
Can you actually hear the emotion of sadness or happiness in the tone?
This is the first step. Are you able to project emotion into your sentences, or do you sound flat?
For example, does your anger sound pretty similar to your happiness?
This is the first thing you must notice: Are you able to project emotions??
If not, DO THE Exercises repeatedly! If you cannot hear the anger, then I want you to scream the words as if you were yelling at your jerk of a boss. I want you to yell loud enough so that your neighbors hear you
This time, play the tape recorder back. How do you sound? What do you sound like when you are happy versus afraid? What does it sound like when you are upset versus angry?
Remember that 93% of communication is nonverbal.
Roughly 55% is body language. That comprises how you move, walk, sit, lean, your gestures and facial expressions.
Another 38% of communication is tonality. It’s how you say something. As we are demonstrating in this particular exercise, there is a vast distinction between saying the same sentence with laughter and fun versus anger and frustration.
7% of the communication is the actual words that come out of you mouth.
The reason I emphasize this exercise is to show how important tonality and projecting emotions are.
Let’s continue with the exercise. Have your tape recorder next to you.
Exercise 3b
How about this phrase: “You a**hole!” Simple statement, right?
On paper, it could be perceived in all sorts of ways.
Let’s try changing tonality.
Say the words you a**hole while laughing. Imagine you are having an immense amount of fun playing a game with your buddy and you just caught him trying to cheat.
OR,
Imagine he just said a one liner to make fun of you in a non-malicious way, and you reply
“you a**hole” to your buddy.
Think of a time something funny happened. Maybe your buddy passed gas and tried to blame it on you. Start laughing…
RECORD YOURSELF SAYING “Hey! You a**hole!” with happiness and enthusiasm.
Now, we can change it around to the other extreme.
This time, record yourself saying “You a**hole” in an angry manner as if you are furious with someone.
I want you to scream it so that the neighbors next door can hear it! Scream it out loud!!
Do it!
Now record yourself saying it in a lustful and flirtatious manner to a girl who likes you.
You are having fun and making little remarks and flirting. She says something, and you don’t have a comeback for it, so you say, “hey, you a**hole.”
PLAYBACK THE AUDIO TAPE.
Three things will happen.
1. You will now know how you sound to other people. Many of you have no idea at
1. You will now know how you sound to other people. Many of you have no idea at