Your opening message should contain the following elements:
i) A non-contrived heading
Let us start with the first point:
i) A non-contrived subject heading:
There are a lot of tips on the internet, that suggest men need to use ‘funny’ and very ‘unique’ subject headings such as:
“Tiddlywinks Champion requires more winks”.
“My golf buggy has room for two, shall we tee off together?”
“Welly wearer seeks playmate for puddle splashing and dog walking”.
I couldn't believe that so called experts are actually dishing out this kind of cringe worthy advice.
Of course, since this e-book is based on over 4 months of intense research, I asked a wide range of women, between the ages of 20 - 44, from all
backgrounds, what they thought of subject headings such as these. As I
suspected, they all shared my view, which was they these kind of silly and over the top subject headings came across as desperate totally unfunny and totally contrived
All of the women agreed that a more natural and less contrived subject heading was best.
Most women check nearly every message they get, but dating coaches and so called online dating experts will frighten you into thinking that women get hundreds of messages on a daily basis, and only have the time to look at 2 or 3 messages, so they encourage you to come up with this wacky contrived subject headings!
However, if one of these quirky and off the wall subject headings are totally congruent with your personality, and are something that you would do
naturally, and highlight your quirky sense of humor and character- then do it!
As this would not be contrived.
Instead, your subject heading for your first message should demonstrate the fact that you have read her profile page, rather than just seen her photo and name.
For instance: If she has just graduated then you can use the subject heading:
“Congrats on your graduation”
If she has traveled to a cool location, then you can use similar subject headings as these ones:
“I got a question about Bali..” (insert which ever location she had been to)
or
“Is Vegas as amazing as everyone really says?”
If she has a passion for something, such as Vampire movies, then you can use similar subject headings as these ones:
“Wanted to get your opinion on a vampire movie..”
or
“Vampires movies are cool, but the old Dracula movies are better”
If she loves cats then you can use similar subject headings as these ones:
or
“If you met my labrador- you would prefer dogs”
if she loves shopping you can use similar subject headings as these ones:
“Do your prefer shopping on your own with a friend?”
or
“Bags or shoes?”
Some of these are questions, that convey the fact that you have read her profile, and since they are a question, they are more likely to get read first than just a plain old “Hello Laura”
However, some of them are also statements or opinions, and they can be just as powerful.
Here are some more statement and opinion subject headings, that still show her you have read ALL her profile:
If she works in advertising you can use a similar subject headings as this one:
“Advertising is something I wanted to get into”
If she works as a school teacher you can use a similar subject headings as this one:
“ The teachers at my school used to terrify me..”
If she describes herself as openminded you can use a similar subject headings as this one:
“Open mindedness is a great start”
If she describes her self as out spoken you can use a similar subject headings as this one:
“ Us out spoken people are a dying breed..”
If she describes her self as a party animal: you can use a similar subject headings as this one:
“Party animal? Im going to put that claim to the test..”
If she says she’ a Scorpio (or which ever zodiac sign she is) you can use a similar subject headings as this one:
“Scorpios are said to be the most confident out of the 12..”
If she says she likes reading romance novels you can use a similar subject headings as this one:
“Love Story has to be the greatest romance novel ever..”
These all make just the right amount of impact to get her intrigued. They sit comfortably between the boring and uninviting “Hello Katy” and the weird and contrived “Canoeing wombat seeks hiking kangaroo”
ii) Connection
Since you have already started your first message to the girl with a subject heading that shows her you have read her profile, you would have instantly been making a personal connection with her rather than starting with something random or generic.
Having a connection with a woman, does not always mean sharing all her opinions and pastimes and activities. Having a connection, can be
UNDERSTANDING why she likes something or why she is they way she is. Or connection can be made by showing your interest in in finding out WHY she has these passions or WHY she is the way she is.
(In my Deep connection DVD set, this is explained in far greater detail.)
So don’t feel obliged to LOVE everything she lOVES, or have the same outlook and point of views that she has!
One of my students used to believe that he needed to have lots in common with the women he wrote to, and subsequently he always used to write women messages that went like this:
Hey!!!!!
I noticed you said your were a chocoholic- me too! I love Aeros best..
I also noticed you have done the west coast road trip- this is something I did last year, and it was so much fun. Maybe since we are both well travelled, and self confessed chocaholics, we can share some time comparing travel stories over a box of Maltesers, and a glass of red wine. Yes, I love to unwind with a glass of red wine too- so glad you prefer red to white too.
WOW! All he was desperately trying to do was prove to the girls that he has SO much in common with them. The reason why girls never bothered responding to him was because he was trying desperately to connect with them on a very surface level, and as a result he never revealed anything about the reasons or
Secondly, because he was trying to prove to girls that he had so much in common with them, he failed to ask them any interesting questions, and he failed to
challenge them too.
But most importantly, he came across as too much of an ‘approval seeker’ I told him he might as well have sent them this:
“Please like me, Im just like you, I like the same things as you, and we can do all the same things together”
iii) A clear demonstration of your confidence.
Don't lower your value because she is beautiful or because her profile seems to depict an amazing lifestyle. Remember, that like men,women are trying to impress others when writing their online profile, and therefore she's probably exaggerating certain points in order to impress, so don't feel overwhelmed about contacting her, and don't feel that you lack the power to match her ideals or her lifestyle.
What do I mean by lowering your value?
A lot of guys believe that if they come across as modest and if they use tons of self deprecation, then some how the girl will think this is ‘cute’ or sweet which will cause an overpowering desire to meet them! WRONG!
Women will indeed think its cute, and they will indeed think your probably a sweet nice guy, however, these are NOT the reasons that will make her want to meet you. Self deprecation can be funny now again, but if you use it too much, it begins to decrease your value rapidly!
In order for you to demonstrate your confidence in the message, always be bold in your opinions, your statements and avoid too many LOLs ( as these can be misinterpreted for an online ‘nervous laugh’).
Remember to not plague her with compliments, and NEVER show her any signs that she is out of your league, or that she's probably to busy to reply to your message, or make the assumption that she must get bombarded with messages all the time.
Here is an example of one of the many messages that I received which demonstrated ZERO confidence:
“hey
I’m sure you must get loads of messages all the time.
But if you have the chance to read this, then here I go! lol
I am a musician based in London, and am currently in the stages of going for interviews with record companies, It’s an interesting experience, but sometimes a little soul destroying lol
I know this sounds really corny, but I have to tell you that you are really beautiful. I can imagine you hear that all the time lol
Anyway, if you do get the chance to read this message, then it would be cool if you could message me back. I know your probably very busy, because of your busy career, but it would be nice to stay in contact
xx”
As you can see, this guy probably suffers from a nervous laugh as it even comes through in his messages, the excessive LOLs do NOT demonstrate confidence.
. Never ever start a compliment with “I bet you get this said to you all the time..” or words to that effect- again, you are presuming to quickly that every one thinks she's beautiful. Also, you are deliberately putting yourself in the same category of every other guy, again this FAILS to demonstrate
confidence.
. Never presume in your message that she is busy, or too busy to respond to you, this decreases your value and raises hers which results in an imbalance of power.
. Never ASK her to message you back, always presume that she will! We will look at an invitation to respond later on in this section.
. Do not end your first message with kisses (xxxxxxxxxx) or even one kiss- this should only come after you have developed more of an online
relationship with this girl, and when you know for sure that a date is on the cards.
iv) Humour
Adding a touch of your own humour in the first message is always a bonus.
Just like meeting someone in real life for the same time, it can feel a little awkward. So adding humour to an interaction in order to make the other person feel more relaxed, and to lift the potentially awkward feeling, is a fantastic social skill to possess, so add this if you can.
v) Originality.
What do most men write in their first message to a girl whom they contact through
Do you go on this site much?
I don’t check this site that much Check out my profile
Try your upmost best, to LEAVE these kind of questions and statements out of your first message to the girl. Most guys have a set structure, like the one above, and if you use or continue to use the same unoriginal structure, then you will increase your chances of getting ‘put on hold’ for later, and then possibly forgotten about.Or you might even be even dismissed out of her her mind immediately.
Being original in your first message, does not mean being WEIRD!
Here is a message that one of my student used to send women, thinking he was being original- but consequently just coming across as ODD:
“ WOWWWWWW, big brown eyes are my favourite thing about a woman, and boy oh boy you sure possess some deep chocolate brown eyes right there! ;-))) I have had the most CRAZY day, my best friend Luke came over with his German Shepherd puppy, and it attacked my leg- then it ripped my rug to shreds! Im still cleaning the mess- and guess what? my friend actually blamed ME for not puppy proofing the house! WTF? What is puppy proofing? LOL Now lets see, what can I tell you about myself that my profile might not share..hmmm..my favourite colour is green! I used to watch Peter Pan all the time when I was a kid, so I guess thats why I like it..what else? hmmm, well I guess you just have to ask me or checkout my profile if you want to know more nuggets of information about me :-)
Hopefully we can share a cup of something hot and delicious one day, and have a good conversation together about everything from politics to pop idol..so stay in touch..
P.S
I have a question, Do you always wear black ? ( your photos only have you in black clothes) I hope your not a goth! LOL
Chat soon..PETER PAN x
I asked my student why he wrote these kind of over the top messages, and he revealed to me that he was using a combination of different methods and advice that he had obtained either from the internet or from pick up coaches and dating coaches that claim to specialise in online dating.
I asked him what the general response was from women when they read his messages, and he replied that they either wrote back ‘LOL’ and nothing more, OR
“ Are you in therapy?” But most the time they never replied back at all. Every sentence in his message was indeed original, but the overall effect was weird and manic. He could have just used one or maybe even two of those ‘off the wall’
lines or stories, and that would have been enough to make his message come across as original rather than manic and odd.
Remember, sometimes less is more.