P1 talks a lot about his frustration with an unjust custody system whereby he strongly believes that single mothers are favoured and considered to be the obvious caregiver of their children. On many occasions, P1 expresses his strong disapproval of how the system runs currently. Although he recognises some changes in more recent times, he also mentions falling into financial debt in the process. In fact, he believes that unless one has the financial means to fight for full custody of the children, it is otherwise futile. He labels single fathers as the “unsung hero”. P1 also makes it very clear that paying maintenance is very expensive and stressful (“Always being held at ransom”). One of his motivations to fight for custody was his contempt of having to pay maintenance to a mother who he believes isn’t up for the parental role. He stated that he was playing a “waiting game”. (Sense of frustration; unjust treatment- single mothers versus single fathers; sense of mothers being favoured)
Battling systemic injustice- court beliefs, legal aid, CSA Financial strain of fighting system
Mental strain of fighting system Expression of disbelief; “incredulous” Expression of own personal beliefs Expression of how system should change Minimal conviction
Choice to have children
At mercy of the system; helpless Fighting system
On many occasions he describes the transition into lone parenthood as a “massive change” at all levels. His children became his priority. He sacrificed his work and social life to ensure the children’s needs were met. P1 seems to function on autopilot mode to cope with the whole experience. He coped through maintaining structure and having a plan. In the first two years, he functioned on a day to day basis. His main aim was to get through the day. His emotional well-being did not appear to matter at that stage of the transition. As he says, his emotions went in his back pocket. Dealing with his emotions was almost a waste of time. He sought practical and immediate solutions. He was not prepared to talk or listen to anyone who wouldn’t give him something tangible to work with. This was evident in his first contact with the GP in relation to his own mental and emotional well-being and CAMS in relation to the difficulties experienced by his youngest son. It was also evident in his choice not to become a member of Gingerbread. Unless others offered him what he needed he described them as useless. If he felt criticised he became very defensive. P1 appeared to have a good relationship with the children’s school but it becomes clear in the transcript that this is because the school conforms to his ways and seems to praise and embrace what he does. Further down the line, P1 realises that he needs to deal with his emotions as he begins to lose his temper and shout at the children. He saw his GP and he received medication and face to face therapy. P1 seems to be gentler in his views of the help he received. Perhaps at this stage he was ready for therapy; he was ready to talk.
- 152 - He describes his experience as a “massive change” in his lifestyle, his priorities, his development of new skills strengths, interpersonally and professionally.
Risk taking
Making Choices/sacrificing/life scoping Transition as a process- ever-changing
Trajectory characterised by stages; milestone changes
Emotional experiences: Doubt, negative and positive; unsettled; overwhelmed; depressed; powerless; fear; struggling; rage; anger; isolation. Emotional Battling/Emotional Deadening Self-preservation
Intra-personal psychological processes Inter-personal psychological processes Gender and emotion
Readiness to seek support
Making choices in helping self; seeking help in his own terms Pragmatic approach
Issue of time Ego
Conformist approach
Criticising his ‘attackers”; defence of attack before being attacked
Memo: Becomes rigid in his relations with self; children; support network and ex Strategies changing over time
Reflecting/understanding self Relationship with children
- 153 - Memo 30/04/2016 [linked to theoretical sampling
Time in transition pre- and post- separation may be important in determining when a lone father engages with therapy. P1 only accepted and engaged with therapy some years after gaining full custody of children. It may be important to consider the long-term impact of emotional avoidance? But also it may indicate that there may be stages of types of support needed by single fathers. For instance, support at initial stages of transition may be different to support needed later in transition. It sounds like when his children were settled he was suddenly left with his own emotions and did not know what to do with them. Consequently, he “lost control”, “flew off the handle”, “shouted”. P3 did seek support from his GP but was sent away as he was told that his problems were too complex at that point in time for therapy to work. P2 did not seek support. To ask more questions about understanding and experiencing help-seeking in later participants.
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