Case Example 2: Michael: A Divided Life

Michael is a White male. He is single, unemployed, and lives with a roommate. He identifies as a gay male. Michael is 59 years old and he came out at age 43. However, with the exception of his only sibling, a sister, he has chosen to not come out to his family, friends from his childhood, or people back in his hometown. As he put it, “I was and still am very selective on who I come out to.”

Michael’s father has passed away, but his mother is still living. Michael says that he never felt “particularly close” to his parents, noting that they were never intimate or affectionate with each other or their children.

Michael was raised in the Methodist church. He describes his hometown as a “very small town and extremely conservative.” Michael’s parents were not very religious, “there was no prayer at meals or Bible-thumping in the house.” However, Michael felt the overall environment of his hometown was repressive because of fundamentalist views held by others in the

community. Though Michael no longer claims any religious affiliation, he is very involved with a spiritually-oriented gay group, he sees himself as psychic, and he is very interested in the clairvoyant. Many of his closest friends are also involved with the spiritually-oriented gay group to which he belongs.

Michael knew he was attracted to other males when he was very young, age 3. He struggled with his sexual feelings that he believed were morally wrong up until the time that he came out. Michael was socially isolated by his internalized homophobia. He had no one, neither friends or family, to whom he felt really close, as he put it, “Before I came out…you see, nobody

got very close to me because I had the cardboard heterosexual fake person that I was holding between me and everybody. There was nobody really, really close to me.” Hoping to become straight, the summer before Michael went to college he joined the Mormons. He explained, “I was convinced I was going to hell if I didn’t figure out how to be straight. The summer before I went to college, I got ‘Mormonized.’” Michael was very active in the Mormon Church

throughout his college years, but in the end his association with the church did nothing to help him change his sexual identity.

A turning point in Michael’s coming out process occurred around age 40 when at his then new place of work he finally came into frequent social contact with other gay men. Michael explained how he began to socialize with the gay men at his workplace, “They would have parties and I would go. It was [a] mixed party. You didn’t have to declare your orientation…I got very relaxed and realized these aren’t the people who are going to hurt me.” In this newfound social space, Michael became accepting of other gay men, as well as his own sexuality. Michael also found that he was finally accepted and valued for who he truly was,

I realized it was okay for me to be who I was, and I had been totally surrounded by gay people for two years and I really started liking them. I honestly wanted to be their friend, and I realized this is my first opportunity in life to be friends with people who know everything about me and celebrate who I am. They’re my friends because of who I am, not just tolerating who I am.

Thus, Michael’s social world came into alignment with his internal reality. He finally found himself in a place where he could be himself without fear, “I wanted to thrive, celebrate with these like-minded people. That’s why I came out.” After coming out to a friend at work, his

social network changed dramatically in a short period of time, as Michael put it, “I completely switched my universe of friends.” Since coming out Michael has gained several very close friends, most, if not all, through spiritually-oriented gay groups. The gay groups to which Michael belongs also form his greater social network.

Michael has not come out to his mother. He believes that she (and his extended family) have no idea that he is gay. Michael is afraid that if he comes out to people from his hometown, his mother would be harassed by them. He explained, “I mean in the hometown where I grew up, those people would be bothering my mother. That would make her life a living hell. She’s almost 89. She doesn’t need to go through that.” Coming out to his mother is further complicated by the fact that his sister is terminally ill, “It would cause her [my mother] a great upset and trouble. And this close to the end of her life, why put her through that? She’s already going through hell watching my sister slowly die.”

Michael’s family and people he knew growing up exist at the periphery of his social world. He has either obligatory contact, such as holiday visits, with them, or no contact at all. He has lost or broken contact with the friends he had in the Mormon church, mostly because he has come out, “I had to just withdraw from them. After college, everybody scattered. That was good because I can’t be who they want me to be either.” Michael’s choice to selectively disclose his identity, limits the most important people in his social network to those outside his family of origin. However by choosing to live a gay life, he has gained one key person in his life, himself.