Case Example 4: Theresa: Return to the Closet

Theresa is a White female, 82 years old, who came out at age 42. She identifies as a lesbian. Theresa currently lives by herself in a senior living apartment building. Due to her high energy level, as well as a need to help make ends meet, Theresa still works part time.

Theresa was an only child. She was raised by her biological mother and her step-father. During her childhood, Theresa’s parents moved several times and as a result, Theresa never was able to maintain friendships.

Theresa was married to a man for 14 years. They separated and divorced when Theresa fell in love with a woman. She has been married to two same-sex partners, though not legally, they had commitment ceremonies. One of her former same-sex spouses is now deceased.

Theresa had her daughter out of wedlock. When she married her husband, he adopted her daughter. Theresa and her husband had two sons. One son is deceased. The other son has not spoken to Theresa for fifteen or sixteen years. After he married a Christian fundamentalist and his wife became pregnant, they broke contact with Theresa. This break in relations occurred even though prior to the marriage they all did things together and enjoyed what seemed to be a good relationship. When I asked Theresa why she is estranged from her son, she said, “Because, I’m gay.” Sadly, her son’s daughter is Theresa’s only biological grandchild and she has no contact with her.

Theresa has a “very, very close” relationship with her daughter. She told me they “talk every day.” Theresa’s daughter and her son-in-law are in their sixties. Her daughter has no biological children, but her husband has children, grandchildren, and at least one great-

grandchild. Theresa’s daughter and son-in-law are not in as good of health as Theresa. Over the years, Theresa has provided them some material support, including helping one of the

grandchildren buy a car.

Theresa has many friends. She made many of her friends when she was active in the gay- lesbian country music scene. Theresa talked of losses and resultant changes in her social

network:

What is so strange is that since I’ve moved in here, I know everybody’s getting older, you separate and stuff. Somebody asked me, “Well, do you still keep in touch with your gay friends?” I said, “Well, to tell you the truth, the only people that contact me are the guys.”

She attributes the number of her friendships that have lasted to differences in age, they are much younger, “It’s just the advantage that I have is most of these friends from country are at least 15, 20 years younger than me.” However, she noted that they too are getting older, “Now they’re getting to the point where they don’t go out as much.” Theresa talked about the toll time is taking on some of her friendships. One younger gay male friend who used to visit Theresa often, died unexpectedly of cancer. Theresa was “very, very close to” another male friend who had lost his partner. He used to call her once a month, and they would go out. Then he apparently started dating again, and now he does not call Theresa as often as he used to call.

Despite her ties to the gay-lesbian country music scene, Theresa finds that the social world offered by it is not the same for her anymore. Recently, for her birthday, a friend took Theresa to a club they used to frequent,

We went. I just stood there looking, and I thought, “I don’t care about this anymore. It’s not like it once was.” When we first started it over at [gay country

bar], everybody wore cowboy hats and boots, and it was just fun. Everybody dressed up in—everybody danced with whoever. It doesn’t feel that way anymore. I just stood there and watched them dance. I thought, “I don’t care whether I come here or not.”

Theresa’s recounting of this incident, illustrates that gaining and losing can encompass community along with the times and places that define it.

Theresa is very active. She still works part-time. She cleans some of the other building residents’ apartments. She transports other residents to medical appointments and shopping. In addition to paid work, Theresa is active in the resident council of her apartment building. Theresa is very committed to helping others. For years she volunteered at her church in a program to help the homeless. Now, on her own, Theresa continues that work, she makes

“goodie bags” that contain some food, water, toiletries, and clothing (beanie hats, gloves, t-shirts, and so on). Theresa keeps some of these bags in her car, and when she is out driving she passes the bags out to homeless people she encounters. She also has a friend that comes to visit her from time to time that enjoys helping her distribute her “goodie bags.”

Before moving to her current residence, Theresa lived an openly gay life. Now, she guards her lesbian identity, because she fears rejection by other residents. Speaking of her relations with other residents, Theresa explained her current situation and her reasons for not being as out as she once was:

I have one very close friend [here], but she still doesn’t know about me. The only ones that know about me are ones that have sons that are gay. We don’t talk about it, but they know. One of those kind of things…I used to drive my little pickup truck to Gay Pride and take everybody and all that. Well, of course, I’m not doing

any of that anymore…They’re old up here. You know what I’m saying? They might probably distance themselves from me. The people here are fun, and you have a good time. Everything is good…I just find no reason whatsoever to tell anybody because I mean, I haven’t lived with anybody. I’ve been here ten years.