4.5.1 Context – Interview with parent
Danie’s mother came to the interview and seemed very emotional. In initiating the conversation she started crying: ‘Sorry, man. I didn’t want to become emotional and we haven’t even started yet’ (Skuus man. Ek wou nie graag emosioneel raak nie en
ons het nog nie eers begin nie). Her biggest concern was Danie’s reactions recently and she noted things such as his not being involved in family matters anymore, avoiding communication and becoming very quiet which, according to his mother, is very different from his usual nature: ‘He is too quiet, this child of mine. He is not as noisy as usual’ (Hy is te stil die kind van my. Hy is nie so raserig soos altyd nie). She feels uncomfortable because he is asking questions like: ‘If I say I’m gay how would you feel about that, mother?’ (p3.5 As ek sê ek is gay hoe sal ma daaroor voel?). She immediately came to the conclusion that this might be a possibility and knows that she will need to handle it somehow, but it did not make it easier: ‘It will be difficult for me … but if I think about our conversation now it seem to me an ever greater possibility. Oh, Erika, this is awful for me’ (Dit sal vir my moeilik wees, … maar nou dat ek oor ons gesprek dink klink dit vir my al hoe groter moontlikheid; Ai, Erika dis vir my erg).
Danie is the second of two boys. In exploring his background Danie’s mother stated that neither of her children was planned. She explains that the reason was that her marriage with their father was very unstable. Financially they could not afford it and she did not want her children to be exposed to such unhappiness, regarding it as unfair towards the children. An interesting point is that her first child was rejected by the father, who stated that it is not his child. Danie was not rejected as someone else’s baby and was accepted as his own. The perception from the father of Jacob not being his son caused a lot of turmoil and domestic violence for the mother and Jacob. Another fact is that after Jacob’s birth the abuse of mother was only verbal but physical abuse also became part of their lives.
The mother’s pregnancy with Danie was not pleasant: ‘In short, it was not easy or pleasant for me’ (Kortom, dit was nie maklik of lekker nie). The doctor stated that she is expecting a girl and six months into the pregnancy he realised this was not so. During those 6 months they had conversations with this unborn child as if it were a girl: ‘For 6 months of my pregnancy the doctor thought it was a girl, and that’s how we already started talking to ‘her’ and, yes, then we all had make a u-turn’ (Die dokter het vir 6 maande van my swangerskap gedink dit is ‘n dogtertjie so ons het al met ‘haar’ begin gesels en ja toe moes ons almal ons koppe swaai).
Four months after his birth Danie became ill. He had chest problems and high fevers, and was a colic baby. She explains that he was taking so much antibiotics and
cortisone but with little effect. At 10 months of age his one lung collapsed and he was hospitalised. To this day no reason was given as an explanation except that it was a virus. Danie was in and out of the hospital often and was taking cortisone for the first two years of his life: ‘… he was more in the hospital then anything else’ (… hy was meer in die hospital as enigiets anderster). She remembers that he was in hospital on his 1st birthday. That was the last time he was admitted to hospital, but it was also the longest period of 18 days. She stated that he hated to go there, because he was hurt so many times with needles that needed to be inserted in his body that to the day he has a phobia of needles. To nebulise him became part of their daily routine and the mother decided to quit her job to stay with him.
Danie struggled to eat and could not consume milk, which was replaced with rooibostee. After 6 months she decided to go back to her job on a temporary basis and she found a daycare facility that took care of him. They accepted him with love, although he still needed to be nebulised every four hours but the mother was at peace with leaving him there.
As a baby Danie was restless and unhappy when there was conflict at home: ‘… and if Jurie and I fight, then he became vry hysterical’ (… as ek en Jurie baklei het, dan het hy baie histeries geraak). Situations of conflict at home arose very often and included physical abuse from the father: ‘Very often, at least once every day’ (Baie gereeld, ten minste elke dag). The tension at home seemed intense and in a situation of conflict the mother always tried to keep Jacob (Danie’s brother) away from Jurie (Danie’s father), because of his dislike of the child. He favoured Danie and made it obvious: ‘… He would play with Danie, but when Jacob came he would push Jacon away, and if he drove to the café then only Danie could go with him and not Jacob’ (… hy sal met Danie speel en as Jacob kom, dan stoot hy vir Jacob weg en as hy kafee toe ry mag net Danie saamry en nie Jacob nie). This created jealousy and conflict between the brothers. In situations of violence the father would keep Danie away from his mother: ‘If we fight he says he will take Danie and go. Then Danie would cry terribly … and his father doesn’t want him to come to me, and so then he becomes completely hysterical’ (Hy sal as ons baklei sê hy vat nou vir Danie en gaan ry. Dan huil Danie verskriklik … en sy pa wil nie hê hy moet na my toe kom nie, so ja, dan raak hy skoon histeries).
The parents separated when Danie was 4 years of age, but his father moved back when Danie was in his Grade R year. The mother realised this was not the right decision and life became difficult and unstable again, with many incidents of physical abuse towards her and Jacob. Their unstable life continued and at the age of 9 Danie suddenly had an epileptic attack with no warning. Taking him to a neurologist the mother was puzzled as there was no history of epileptic seizures in their family. The neurologist explained that it can be caused by genetics, head injury and stress. He was put on medication to treat the seizures. In ruling out genetics and a possible head injury, she was left knowing that stress possibly caused this to happen. She took action and divorced their father. After the divorce the seizures suddenly just stopped. She explains that the negative experiences at home must have been too traumatic for Danie to handle, although he himself was never physically abused. He had to witness Jacob and the mother being hurt. The mother blames herself for allowing it to carry on for so long and feels very emotional and sad. She struggled to control her emotions and cried silently: ‘I don’t know why I allowed it to carry on for so long’ (Ek weet nie hoekom ek toegelaat het om dit so lank aan te hou nie).
His mother describes his personality as: ‘He is amiable and comes across as a child who needs recognition. If you praise him, you can actually accomplish the world with him’ (Hy is lieftallig en hy kom voor as ‘n kind wat erkenning soek. As jy hom prys kan jy ‘actually’ die wêreld met hom uitgerig kry). She experiences him as being somewhat impulsive, very talkative and sometimes not thinking before saying something. He is emotional and a pleaser and she feels ‘it is not a good thing’ as it makes him vulnerable and affects his self-concept, because he does not trust his own judgement. She concludes that she thinks that Danie is an under-achiever and that confidence, laziness and motivation appears to be his challenges.
4.5.2 EMDR sessions
4.5.2.1 Session 1
Danie appeared very insecure as he stepped into my therapy room: ‘I don’t really know what to expect’ (C1.2 … ek weet nie eintlik wat om te verwag nie). He is a very dramatic and verbal person and uses his whole body to communicate. He appears as if he is very happy and that he has nothing bothering him he said: ‘I don’t think I was
ever really happy. I laugh, but it’s actually my mask’ (C1.16 Ek dink nie ek was al ooit gelukkig nie. Ek lag maar dis eintlik my masker). I decided to have an introduction about ourselves to give him the opportunity to relax. It seemed to help because in his introduction he already gave an idea of his feelings towards his father: ‘I also have a father but prefer not to see him again. I hope I never have to’ (C1.3 Ek het ook ‘n pa maar verkies om hom nie weer te sien nie. Ek hoop nie ek moet ooit nie). He rates his relationship with his father on a scale from 0-10 as a 0. He sees his father as a drunkard (suiplap) and a jailbird (tronkvoël) (C11.47). While talking about his father there was a visible anger on his face and his lips became white as he pulled them tight. His body appeared tense and he seemed uncomfortable in his chair. He asked me for some water. He finished two glasses one immediately after the other.
I learned more of Danie’s personality from his discussion about himself. He loves food and Hospitality Studies is one of his subjects which he clearly enjoys. When talking about food, specially cooking, he relaxed more, changing his body posture and crossing his legs. It was clear that this was his domain of feeling successful. He loves cooking with his mother and feels like he has a good relationship with her: ‘I get on very well with my mother’ (C1.35 Ek kom baie goed met my ma oor die weg). He would not mind an occupation as chef, but was honest in stating that although he loves cooking, design and visual art are his first choices and therefore he was thinking of a possible career in graphic design. On an academic level Danie seems to struggle and the emotional problems were not helping. He was not keen at all to talk about his academic performance and answered those questions too briefly.
Danie decided to become part of this study because he was identified by one of his teachers with whom he regularly communicates about his problems. On an emotional level Danie seemed to deteriorate and his teacher initiated the action. Danie agreed not only because he knew that his teacher was not really qualified to help him any further, but he also felt that he was not coping anymore and felt powerless: ‘I can’t handle the pressure any longer. I have no energy’ (C1.12 Ek kan nie meer die ‘pressure’ ‘handle’ nie; C1.14 … ek is sonder krag). In questioning him about being powerless and what he think the reason is, he replied: ‘Life’ (C1.15 Die lewe). Danie took a while before he answered this question. It seemed that he was not sure what the core is and ‘life in general’ explained it in a nutshell. Life therefore appears to be a
battle which he feels he is losing and needs help. It was difficult for Danie to articulate where the trauma he was experiencing actually originated and he could not give enough factual detail or descriptions: ‘But I don’t know what it’s all about; Just don’t ask me now, but I cannot remember anything now’ (C1.22 Maar ek weet nie wat dit alles is nie; C1.24 Moet my net nie nou vra nie want ek kan nie nou iets onthou nie). His face seemed troubled and worried.
I explained to him that sometimes we are not happy but do not know why. Our emotions are like clouds and situations in our life are like raindrops. A cloud consists of water and is created by tiny drops of water blown together by the wind. When you look at a very dark cloud you cannot see the different drops making the cloud – you only see the result (storm). We sometimes cannot see the drop of water but can only see the result, not being happy. Danie seemed to understand the metaphor and appeared more relaxed for not knowing why he feels as he does.
When I demonstrated the different forms of BLS, Danie seemed sceptical. He made a comment: “Gee, I have been to a psychologist before but never did anything like this’ (C1.32 Jis, ek was al by ‘n sielkundige maar nog nooit sulke goed gedoen nie), but decided to take the risk: ‘I was a little scared, but no, it’s cool. I will do it’ (C1.33 Ek was so bietjie ‘scared’ gewees maar nee dis ‘cool’. Ek sal dit doen). Danie has an older brother, but sees them as the opposite personalities. Danie describes himself as the ‘arty’ one and his brother seems to be excellent with numbers. Danie’s perception is that numbers (and his brother) are superior to the ability to be creative (himself): ‘He is brilliant at maths and I can’t do maths’ (C1.38 Hy is briljant in wiskunde en ek kan nie wiskunde doen nie). He rates his relationship with his brother as a 6/10. His relationship with his father is very poor and puts it on a scale of 0/10: ‘No, if I never have to see that … again it will be too soon’ (C1.1.45 Nee as ek daai … nooit weer hoef te sien nie is dit te gou). and he blames his father for the negativity in him and his mother’s life: ‘He is the cause of all my problems and my mother’s. It’s his fault that we … are like this’ (C1.46 Hy is die oorsaak van al my probleme en my ma. Dit is sy skuld dat dit so … met ons gaan). Negativity and anger were easily visible. He raised his voice in becoming excited, moved his arms while expressing his feelings.
Danie elaborates on his feelings about his father as being an alcoholic who just wants to receive without giving: ‘He doesn’t pay child support and just asks for airtime. His
own family wants to have nothing to do with him’ (Hy betaal nie ‘child support’ nie en vra net ‘airtime’. Sy eie familie wil niks met hom te doen hê nie). There appears to be anger towards the father for projecting his uncertainties on him about who the father of his brother is. Danie’s father told Danie that his mother does not love him, but only loves his brother. His mother realised what is happening and told Danie it is not true. After realising this is not true, he lost his faith in his father and it created feelings of shame because he had believed him: ‘I think I hurt my mother very much and my brother too to believe that’ (Ek dink ek het my ma baie seergemaak en my broer ook om dit te glo) and looks down, not making any eye contact and lowering his tone of voice; he feels stupid and angry shaking his head: ‘I wish he will die. He must go to hell’ (1.48 Ek wens hy wil vrek. Hy moet hel toe gaan).
As mentioned earlier, Danie’s life seems to deteriorate on all levels life. His academic performance is poor and he is very insecure and does not know who he is. It was difficult for Danie to verbalise the uncertainty about his gender preference. He never told anyone before. He does not know what to think or what to do: ‘I’m not sure how to handle this’ (1.65 Ek is nie seker hoe om dit te ‘handle’ nie). He just knows it is affecting him negatively and creating confusion about his identity: ‘I can probably say this but I don’t know who I am, and it’s drving me crazy’ (C1.56 Ek kan dit seker maar sê maar ek weet nie wie ek is nie. Dit maak my mal) and: ‘For the first time I have this weird feeling about guys. I can’t keep it in any longer and it confuses me’ (C1.1.57 Ek het vir die eerste keer die ‘weird’ gevoel oor ouens. Ek kan dit nie meer langer inhou nie en dit maak my deurmekaar). For Danie to think about telling his family specially his brother creates fears of rejection from the family: ‘You know, he is like people who are racist, he is like that about gays. He will never talk to me again. It will be a big thing in our family’ (C1.63 Tannie hy is soos mense wat rassisties is, is hy oor gays. Hy sal nooit weer met my praat nie. Dit sal ‘n groot ding in ons familie wees). This is because he already experiences himself as being the one who does everything wrong: ‘I am the one who is always wrong and not my brother. And my mother always takes my brother’s side. It’s always been like that’ (C1.64 Ek is die een wat altyd verkeerd is en nie my broer nie. En my ma vat altyd my broer se kant. Dit was nog altyd so). He seemed desperate, with eyes wide open and looking me straight in the eye, not to allow that to happen.
In probing his primary school years Danie could sum it up in one word ‘boring’ and seems to have only negative emotions about experiences at primary school: ‘I was at Fonties and hated it. That’s a really crap school’ (C1.67 Ek was in Flarries gewees en ek het dit gehaat; C.69 Dis nou ‘n ‘crap’ skool) and: ‘… I never fitted in’ (C1.69 … ek het net nooit ingepas nie). When thinking about primary school a dominant theme seems to be ‘I do not fit in’. ‘Do not fit in’ included information about being bullied: ‘You’re really stupid’ (C1.79 Jy’s lekker dik) and being labeled as gay without himself sharing the same idea about his identity. It is only now that he seems to be trying try and accept it and he struggles to know whether he is really gay or not, because that was the message he received over years. He shares such an incident: ‘Who asked your opinion, rather go stand with the girls’ (C1.79 Wie’t jou opinie gevra, gaan staan liewer by die meisies). Again he struggled to recall similar situations and felt uncomfortable for not be able to do so. He fell back on the couch and sighed in disappointment for knowing there are so many things to recall but failing to do so.
In high school the situation doesn’t seem to be any different. In a more recent incident he was humiliated in front of a group by his peers: ‘We were all sitting at the steps … I was also talking and the one guy says to me “Keep quiet you, what do you know?” It was sooooo humiliating!’ (C1.84 Ons het almal by die trappe gesit … Ek het ook