Difference and exclusion

At various points throughout the analysis thus far, some participants reported how various aspects of their experience led them to feel different to their peers and excluded from the things that other people have. This seemed to be related to relationship experience, sexual experience, romantic and sexual knowledge, having ASD, and ways of learning and understanding. For many these differences were seen as negative and sometimes had implications for their self-esteem, highlighting the impact that this had on how they felt about themselves. In contrast to this, some participants described how certain aspects of their experience enabled them to feel included and their differences accepted.

When participants spoke about their reasons for wanting a romantic relationship some expressed that it was because they were something that most people have, as described by Fred:

I suppose I would like to be in a relationship really because I suppose there are times I do get jealous, especially when I see couples () You k o , a d the e s ti es I thi k ou k o I d like that as ell. (Fred, 6. 653-652)

It seemed that for Fred, not having a romantic relationship left him feeling excluded or like he was missing out in some way. Fred later reflected on how others reacted to his lack of sexual experience. He talked a out a ti e he he told a gi l at u i e sit that he as a i gi :

She did kind of belittle me a little it. “he thought it as a it odd os she as sa i g o e o Fred ou e ea l t e t t o a d ou ha e t had se et. (Fred, 6. 890- 892)

It is possi le to see ho this gi l s ea tio ould lead F ed to see his i gi it as u usual a d thus diffe e t f o the o . The fa t that this led hi to feel elittled i additio to hi feeli g

e a assed as he later described (6. 866-868) , suggests that he may have felt ashamed in some way, highlighting the negative impact that this experience had on his view of himself.

“o e of the othe pa ti ipa ts also des i ed feeli g as though thei i gi it ade them different to their peers and had concerns about reactions from others. This difference was often managed by concealing it from others. Similarly to this, some participants also considered hiding their AS

diagnosis from a romantic interest, because the had o e s that this diffe e e ould e perceived negatively.

One impact of feeling excluded from romantic relationships was that it contributed towards some participants feeling lonely. As described in theme one, Daniel reflected on how he has searched for a romantic interest in the past as a means of alleviating such feelings:

When I was lonely up in {place name} I would go out to bars and try and talk to people (). I mean it as t eall u til ea l t e ties a d ha i g this lo gi g a d the lonely part of it. (Daniel, 4. 317- 318)

His use of the o d lo gi g suggests a st o g desi e fo o ta t ith othe s that a o pa ied his loneliness. Harry also reflected on how he feels when he is not in a romantic relationship:

I suppose lonely would e the o d. But… eah I suppose just alo e. Ha , .

Whilst other factors such as lack of friendships may have also contributed to feelings of loneliness, not having a romantic relationship clearly contributed towards this experience.

A further issue which left some participants feeling different from other people was the way in which they learned things. Daniel commented on this:

I consider myself that I do learn differently to other people. (Daniel, 4. 397-400)

Da iel s use of the o ds othe people see s uite a oad des iptio , pe haps i pl i g that he felt diffe e t f o al ost e e od . Da iel late efle ted o ho he sa hi self as slo a d des i ed ho his pee s e e uite ast to hi hi h esulted i hi feeli g e a assed (4. 355-358). This highlights how he felt this difference in learning had negative consequences, resulting in him feeling some humiliation and shame. This conveys the significant impact this had on how he felt about himself, which is likely to have a damaging impact on his self-esteem.

The feelings of difference and exclusion described above highlight how this can have a negative impact such as loneliness, embarrassment, and shame. In contrast to this, some participants

described instances of when they felt included, and similar to their peers and/or a romantic partner. For Gary, this sense of feeling included was through being able to have a romantic relationship. He spoke about a time when a relationship had just begun:

It was kind of like a weird kind of immense catharsis through action or through luck or something () I as ha i g hat e e o e else had, it just, all the stuff that I d felt that I d issed out o efo e. (Gary, 7. 435-437)

It seemed as though Gary felt that at last he was no longer excluded from having this experience that e e o e else as ha i g. Des i i g this as a i e se atha sis possi l efle ts ho he experienced an extreme and significant sense of relief. The positive emotional impact of this was highlighted Ga he he spoke a out his feeli gs of e t e e jo , des i i g feeli g % happi ess . .

Some participants also described how they had managed to find a partner in which their differences were more accepted. Carl described how it could be an advantage when both people within the relationship had difficulties:

“he does t ha e A“ ut she does ha e lea i g diffi ulties he self I ea e had ee th ough a it together and we had the same sort of bond with regards to the fact that we both had difficulties that we had overcome to a certain extent and I think we both agreed that and it helped out in the long term. (Carl, 3. 238-240)

Carl seemed to feel that both partners having difficulties gave them common ground, which enabled them to bond and better understand and support each other. Similarly, as discussed earlier in Theme 2 where Othe s pe eptio s of Aspe ge s as dis ussed, Ga had sea hed fo a pa t e from a different country as he felt his differences would be more accepted. In fact he described how his ASD characteristics were accepted and not seen as a negative difference as they were by

previous girlfriends. These strategies seemed to contribute towards these participants feeling more positive about themselves, describing feeling more accepted and understood.