Not feeling capable

Some participants expressed how they did not feel very capable in regards to certain aspects of romantic relationships. Examples include not being able to communicate with a romantic interest, not feeling able to sustain a relationship as well as lacking belief i thei a ilit to e a good pa e t . In many cases, this seemed to leave participants lacking in confidence and had damaging

implications for their self-worth.

As discussed in theme two, many participants described finding communication difficult. Because of this, several participants lacked confidence in their abilities to talk to a romantic interest. Daniel expressed his beliefs about how other men are able to talk to romantic interests:

You k o , I just ot.. the e a le to talk easil a d intelligently to people they like. I just feel that I ha e t got a of that eall . (Daniel, 4. 587-588)

Daniel is comparing himself to other men in a very negative light and seems to have quite concrete ideas a out hat e a e like i ge e al. His des iptio of ot ha i g a of that o e s uite an absolute belief in his lack of skills in talking to a romantic interest, conveying just how little confidence he has. Daniel seemed to lack confidence in various aspects of his life, later describing ho I will always be useless you know . ). This low evaluation of himself further highlights an absolute and quite extreme view, suggesting that he has very little self-worth.

In addition to lacking confidence in communication skills, many felt that they would be unable to sustain a romantic relationship. Ben reflected on what was involved in a romantic relationship:

It s like ou e got that o e step a d ou ha e the step efo e that step a d the thi ki g the e s a step efo e that step. A d I just thi ki g ho a I goi g to… he I juggle all of this i head.. I just like I a t do it . (Ben, 2. 395-397)

Ben seems quite certain that he would not be capable of managing and negotiating all the different steps that a e i ol ed i i itiati g and sustaining a romantic relationship. This is likely to be tied to his feelings of being afraid of uncertainty as described previously, further contributing to his

avoidance of relationships altogether.

Lacking confidence in skills and ability in regards to sexual intimacy was also expressed by some pa ti ipa ts. This as efle ted i Da iel s o e t a out he efle ted o hethe he desi ed a sexual relationship:

It ould e i e to dis o e it all. But at othe ti es, if ou feel it s ot ealisti , it s ot so ethi g that ou e apa le of the ou just push it to o e side all the ti e do t ou. Da iel, . -432)

As discussed in Theme 2, this sense of feeling incapable may have been caused in part by his lack of knowledge about sexual relationships. This may also be that this is linked to his feelings of

i ade ua o e ge e all as des i ed a o e. Pushi g it aside sho s ho this la k of o fide e had reduced his motivation to pursue a romantic relationship, potentially giving him few

opportunities to enter one and confirming his belief that they are not possible for him.

A further area that some participants lacked confidence in was their ability to be a parent. Fred described feeling as if he would not be a good father and found the decision of whether or not he wanted to have children a difficult one to make:

That s a ha d o e fo e, pe so all , I ea the e is a pa t of e that ki d of feels I ould t e a e good parent. (Fred, 6. 732-733)

His description of it ei g a ha d o e suggests that pe haps ha i g hild e is so ethi g that is desi a le, ut e ause of his ie of hi self as ot ei g apa le o good at ei g a pa e t, he felt conflict about whether this would be something he would pursue.

When pati ipa ts e e t a le to su eed i sustai a elatio ship th ough eje tio o eak-ups, this also seemed to impact on their confidence in their abilities and self-worth. Adam reflected on the impact of rejection, describing an experience when a girl cancelled several dates:

It can knock my self- o fide e, thi ki g ell h does t a od a t to e ith e? A I u likea le? A I u datea le? Ada , . -1211)

It is possible to see how challenging this experience was, leaving Adam questioning his desirability a d att a ti e ess to a o a ti i te est. His o e t a out hethe a od a ted to e ith him possibly indicates that he had experienced numerous rejections in the past.