Emotions and Feelings

In order to equip those who seek to support, the I-Poems provide a reservoir of first-person statements which can be drawn upon to raise awareness of some of the emotions and feelings which have been experienced by those who were interviewed. I would urge caution against generalising. The interviews are those of the women who participated in my study and so the stories they relate are theirs. The emotions and feelings are theirs, though, as I have discussed in the previous section, these are similar to recently published self-reported accounts

before twelve weeks and 116 women who had experienced an ectopic pregnancy. The responses were compared with 171 women who had healthy pregnancies.

of early miscarriage. Care must be exercised to ensure that every person who is offered support is treated as an individual with emotions and feelings that may be quite different from any reported here.

In a recent newspaper article by Jennifer O’Connell, with a sub-heading “I blamed myself for not wanting it enough.” Dr John Kennedy of the Sims fertility clinic in Dublin is reported as saying, “the more we learn about miscarriage the more we appreciate all that we don’t yet understand” (2019, para 3).⁶⁰ He adds,

“A miscarriage is not caused by any action or inaction on the part of the woman”

(para 5). In the same article, Deirdre Pierce-McDonnell, who is chairwoman of the Miscarriage Association in Ireland and who has personal experience of miscarriage, offers a reminder that there is more than one way to grieve and that “no reaction – sadness, disbelief, anger, envy, fear, shame, guilt, pride, relief, a sudden and overwhelming love – is more valid” (para 10). The plethora of feelings elucidated in the I-Poems also serve as a reminder that there is no one way in which women will grieve following their loss, and those who care for them must be aware of this.

Feelings of guilt and shame were expressed by F5, F7, F8, F11 and F12. These, I believe, to be extremely pertinent as they highlight that, in addition to coping with the loss of their baby, they are also trying to cope with the idea / some sense that they were to blame for what happened. In many cases there may never be an explanation of why a woman miscarried and, therefore, the woman may not stop blaming herself. Indeed, F5 and F7 had both miscarried between 9 and 23 years previously and still wondered what they had done wrong or having been done incorrectly. This is perhaps an unfortunate consequence of the word miscarriage where the word itself points to something having gone wrong.

Reassurance, such as that offered by Dr Kennedy above, that the women have nothing to blame themselves for must be a priority. F5 posed the question,

“have I done something wrong?” and repeated this later conveying the sense that this is a feeling she continues to live with. One participant, told of her guilt in a very painful way, “I apologised for losing his son; I felt guilty, it must have

60 See The Irish Times online, 30^th November 2019

been something I’d done; I was very, very sorry.” Twenty-three years after the event, F7 was still blaming herself for something that was not of her making, neither had she been provided with the opportunity to bring out into the open her feelings and address them.

Mention must be made of the place for names in relation to early miscarriage.

While much of the published material that I have drawn on for the literature review focussed on late miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death, the

significance of giving the baby a name is quite different in early miscarriage.

Where there is a Christian faith, it is not unusual for ministers to be called upon for baptism in cases of late miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death. Indeed, this prompted my previous research where I sought to explore what to do in such situations and how to do it. For cases of late miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death there is a Baptismal Certificate with the baby’s name on it, the baby is recorded in the Baptismal Register and (where appropriate) on the Cradle Roll of the family’s local church. However, in early miscarriage this is mostly

impossible. In my recommendations in the final chapter, I urge that some means of recording the baby’s existence be made available. The church should take the lead and give serious consideration as to how this might become a reality.

However, here again, I would urge caution as there can be no one solution fits all approach. Two of my interviewees welcomed the idea of giving their baby a name (F3 and F7), but others chose not to personalise their bump (F8, F9, F10, F12) or wee bundle of cells (F4) and should not be pressured into doing so or made to feel guilt for not doing something that others thought important.

Therefore, adapting the traditional means of recording though the registration process would not provide a simple solution.

I would encourage everyone called upon to offer support to read these I-Poems.

They were conceived as I set out to find a means to convey to fraternals the experiences of those who have lost a longed-for baby. What came out of their creation was a deep and meaningful sense of loss that has largely gone

unnoticed. They serve as a handle to open the door into a silent room where few are able to share their grief and be supported. By opening the door, the I-Poems

break the sound of silence and give a voice not just to twelve women I interviewed but to others who have experienced an early pregnancy loss.

4.2.8 Section Summary

This section has presented an analysis of the interviews by way of I-Poems and coding. In making reference to the silence experienced by my research

participants together with the effect of (what I describe as being) hurtful support, inappropriate terminology and the impact that language has on the emotions and feelings of grieving parents, I conclude that support is lacking.

However, this thesis seeks to elicit what support would be appreciated and how ministers (and other pastoral care givers) might be better equipped to offer more appropriate support. To this end, four recommendations have been identified as coming from the women themselves. These are: Make contact, Acknowledge the Loss, Listen, and Respond Appropriately.