The Sound of Silence

The absence of appropriate support was often referred to. This I have described as the sound of silence.

There was, and is, often a silence from the women’s partners. None of the women who participated in the pilot had spoken with their partners about it:

neither their participating in the research, nor indeed about the miscarriage since it occurred. In relation to the main study, one quarter of the women’s husbands were aware that they were participating, but only one offered

encouragement for her decision to do so. One participant described it thus, “but

I haven’t told my husband because he doesn’t ... and he doesn’t know, because he’s never mentioned it again and I didn’t want to upset him – that’s between you and I.” This is supported by findings from University College London and the Miscarriage Association (2014) which as I highlighted in the Literature Review was that a number of the partners of women who miscarry did not communicate about their own feelings of loss and pain.

These findings present anecdotal evidence that the person who might be expected to offer the greatest support in the case of early miscarriage is often not able, or prepared, to do so. One person had told family, friends and work colleagues of her miscarriage at the time but the subject remained one to be avoided, until now, and even then it was to be in the confidential confines of a research study. Here again, is evidence that these women must have felt a need to speak to someone about their loss. Acknowledging that they might have had an altruistic motive of seeking to benefit others in the future, the fact that they so readily volunteered shows that they did not want to leave the past

undisturbed. They wanted to speak about what happened to them.

Each of the women was satisfied by the approach and support offered by the medical staff on duty at the time of their miscarriage. However, the provision of on-going care was given by way of leaflets which made mention of support groups. None of the participants followed this up. That said, there was an admission that following the miscarriage the participants became aware of other women who had also experienced an early pregnancy loss. One woman described it as, “I didn’t keep it to myself, it’s very common though as you will have found out, you start to tell people these things and they start to tell you of their own experiences and both my sisters-in-law had had, not a similar experience, but had had miscarriages in early pregnancy, so we all know what it was like.”

What these mothers were saying was that on telling people, who had previously known that they were expecting, that they had lost the baby, others would volunteer to them that they too had suffered a pregnancy loss. With so many individuals having experienced miscarriage, there is a wealth of support to draw

on, yet it appeared that after the initial acknowledgement of shared experience nothing more was to be discussed. It was almost as if the participants had

experienced an initiation rite into a closed society. Having informed family, friends, and colleagues of a miscarriage, they, in turn, would feel it appropriate to admit that they too had experienced the same thing and so one would be welcomed ‘into the society’ of which they were now a member. It is as if they have passed through a door into a room full of people who have all experienced miscarriage, a room where everyone will nod in acknowledgement to each other;

but the room is silent, and no-one dares disrupt the sound of silence.⁵⁶

The word silence is never mentioned in the I-Poems, yet it pervades most the recalled experiences. Not speaking about their experience is a common theme;

F1 does not “remember speaking to anyone about it.” In addition, F6 refers to miscarriage as a subject people do not want to speak about. However, she did not want to speak about it either, “I didn’t want to speak” and later adds “I wouldn’t have spoken to anybody that I didn’t have to.” However, that was said in an interview that she had volunteered to participate in as part of a study into early miscarriage, which may indicate that she was now ready to speak about it.

A similar view was shared by F12 who revealed that she wouldn’t have wanted to speak with others and goes on to describe miscarriage as a taboo subject, and F9 who acknowledges that speaking about what happened is the best way forward but is conscious that others treat it as a taboo subject. Similarly, F5 viewed miscarriage as “one of those subjects that people don’t want to speak about.” In contrast, F4 would have appreciated the opportunity to talk at the time and believes it would have been helpful. She describes being in a place of pain and loss which was not helped by the silence she experienced. It was clear that while

56 Echoes here of the song ‘The Sound of Silence’, written in 1964 by Paul Simon (one of the American music duo, Simon and Garfunkel) and released in 1966. The third verse is particularly poignant:

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more People talking without speaking People hearing without listening

People writing songs that voices never share And no one dared

Disturb the sound of silence

some may not have been ready to talk immediately following their loss, with the passage of time they were more ready to do so. F6 said that now she feels the need to share what had happened with other people. She wants to help others and tell them “that it’s horrendous and it’s not pleasant; it’s going to be upsetting; but you will get through it.” Indeed, F8 said that she participated in my study to “help make people aware of the grief in losing a baby.” For some, a passage of time is necessary before they are able to talk about their

experiences. Therefore, the offer of support cannot be confined to immediately following the miscarriage when it may be more likely to be declined.