FLIRTING AND COURTSHIP

Physical attractiveness serves little purpose in the long run if humans fail to act on their attraction. It is important, therefore, to understand the process

TABLE 3.1

Markers of Human Attractiveness

Body Attractiveness

Body type Physical symmetry

Proportionality of body features Waist-to-hip ratio

Height

Body mutilations

Facial Attractiveness

Facial symmetry

Proportionality of facial features Facial neoteny

Averageness Facial hair Pupil size

Olfactic Attractiveness

Attraction to dissimilar scents

Vocal Attractiveness Pitch Pitch variation Clarity Resonance Amplitude

of conveying one’s attraction and interest in another, which is largely ac- complished through nonverbal behavior. When discussing the flirtation process, it is necessary to distinguish between actual courtship and quasi- courtship. Whereas the courtship process has eventual copulation as its in- tended outcome, quasi-courtship does not. Rather, people engaging in quasi-courtship behaviors are being flirtatious with no actual goal of achieving sexual contact. Scheflen (1965) first recognized such behaviors when he found that, during family therapy sessions, some women would flirt with the therapist, even while their husbands were in the room. He sug- gested that quasi-courtship behaviors are not intended to invite sexual con- tact, but rather to invite affirmations of people’s own sexual appeal and attractiveness. However, there is often little distinction in the flirtation be- haviors used by courters and quasi-courters; where the groups differ is of- ten only in the eventual outcomes they seek.

Givens (1978) suggested that the human courtship process proceeds through five phases, the first of which is the attention phase. The goal at this stage is for people to gain each other’s attention in such a manner as to convey interest—but not excessive interest. As Givens indicated, “The es- sence of the attention phase in courtship is ambivalence—tentative and hesi- tant approach. Potential courters may be expected to emit nonverbal cues which indicate conflicting psychosocial orientations” (p. 349). Behaviors such as sidelong glances, gaze-lowering, vacillation in gazing at and gazing away, and ambivalent smiles are often used to convey that one is interested but noncommittal (see also Eibl-Eibesfeldt, 1971, 1975). This is similar to the ways in which Tina initially communicated her ambivalence to David, by continuing to visit with her friends while he was attempting to engage her in conversation.

Evolutionary principles would suggest that this ambivalence may be more important for women than for men, given that women’s greater in- vestment in mating and childbearing generally makes them the more selec- tive of the two sexes. Men, by contrast, should appear more eager for con- tact and, as a result, may be less attuned to signals of disinterest than women are. Indeed, Moore (2002) found that men rated invitational nonver- bal behaviors, such as lip licks, forward leans, nods, and hair flips, more positively than did women. Conversely, men rated rejection behaviors, such as yawning, looking away, or looking at the ceiling, as sending a less potent message of disinterest than did women.

The second stage is the recognition phase, which occurs when parties have exchanged signals of mutual interest during the attention phase. In the recognition phase, partners acknowledge each other’s interest and dis- play signals of their availability. These include high-immediacy behaviors, such as direct body orientation, forward leaning, mutual gaze, eyebrow raises, and smiling. Coupled with these signals, however, are typically sig-

nals of submissiveness, such as head tilts or shoulder shrugs, which convey to courters that they can approach without fear of hostility. As Givens ex- plained, “by disclaiming dominance with submissive gestures, the courter grants to receivers an implicit permission to approach” (p. 350). Kendon (1975) suggested that particular physical features in women also emphasize submissiveness on their own, such as relative hairlessness, smooth com- plexions, and youthful voice tones. These, in turn, may dispose men toward protective and caretaking behaviors.

In the third phase, the interaction phase, partners move from signals of in- terest to actual conversation. At this point, the goal is for courters to form a bond and, simultaneously, to exclude others from the conversation. David and Tina moved into this phase when they decided to leave their friends be- hind and go to another bar alone. Givens suggested that the topics of con- versation at this stage are largely irrelevant. Instead, what matters is the pattern of the interaction itself: how easily couples converse, how animated and synchronized their behaviors are, and how comfortable and arousing their interaction is. Many of the same nonverbal behaviors that were promi- nent during the attention and recognition phases continue to be important at the interaction phase, particularly those behaviors that convey interest and submissiveness.

If the preceding stages have been successful, the couple will enter the sexual arousal phase, during which time they will signal their active sexual interest in each other. Behaviors such as touching, kissing, and showing affection are common at this stage (see, e.g., Moore, 1985, 1998; Moore & Butler, 1989; Perper, 1985). Interestingly, the affectionate behaviors that characterize this stage often mimic those observed between children and caregivers. Givens explained:

Barriers to physical closeness have begun to relax in this phase, and tenta- tively at first, touching, stroking, caressing, massaging, playing with the other’s hands, all behaviors that may be observed in the earliest parental re- sponses to the neonate, begin to be exchanged. Paralinguistically, speech continues in a soft and high-pitched manner; semantically, it may be well stocked with childcare metaphors (e.g., “baby,” “sugar daddy,” “little lady,” “babe”) and pet names (e.g., “cutie,” “dollie,” “sweetie”). Even varieties of baby talk may be used. The partners can be expected to give and receive cer- tain activities related to breast-feeding. Nuzzling, licking, sucking, playful bit- ing, kissing, and so on, which appear to have a broad geographical distribu- tion as sexually meaningful signs, can be used to communicate the emotional intimacy that is prerequisite to sexual intercourse. (p. 352)

Finally, if all has gone well in the earlier stages, a couple might enter the resolution phase, which is characterized by copulation. It is at this stage that courtship differs from quasi-courtship and flirtation, which are not intended

to result in actual copulatory behavior. In fact, Egland, Spitzberg, and Zormeier (1996) reported that many types of flirtation behavior were equally common in romantic relationships (in which they would likely have copulation as a goal) and in platonic relationships (in which copulation would be less likely to be a goal). A summary of the five phases of human courtship appears in Table 3.2.

SUMMARY

When they first saw each other, David and Tina found that they were imme- diately attracted to each other. Since their attraction preceded their first conversation, it is likely that nonverbal cues, such as physical appearance, played a highly influential role in attracting them to each other. Research has shown that people attribute a variety of positive characteristics to physically attractive others, especially in terms of perceptions of social competence and interpersonal ease. However, physically attractive individ- uals are only advantaged to a certain point. Beautiful people are perceived to be more vain and less modest than average-looking people. In addition, research on the matching hypothesis suggests that people are more likely to develop successful relationships with those who they perceive as similar to themselves in terms of level of physical attractiveness.

TABLE 3.2 Phases of Human Courtship

Attention Phase

Partners gain each other’s attention in order to convey interest

Recognition Phase

Partners acknowledge each other’s interest and display signals of their availability

Interaction Phase

Partners move from signals of interest to actual conversation, while simultaneously exclud- ing others

Sexual Arousal Phase

Partners overtly signal their sexual interest in each other

Resolution Phase

Partners engage in sexual interaction

Note. Data from “The Nonverbal Basis of Attraction: Flirtation, Courtship, and Seduction,” by

Multiple aspects of appearance and behavior are related to interpersonal attraction. Moreover, despite cultural beliefs to the contrary, research indi- cates that several dimensions of attractiveness are more objective than subjective. People from different cultures generally show agreement when evaluating the attractiveness of faces—and to a lesser extent—bodies. Body and face symmetry, body and face proportionality that approximates the phi ratio, male height, a .70 waist-to-hip ratio for women, youthful facial fea- tures (e.g., shorter nose, fuller lips, and large, widely separate eyes) com- bined with features suggesting sexual maturity (e.g., high cheekbones in women; strong chin in men), koinophilia, and pupil dilation appear to be universal aspects of physical attractiveness. Certainly, this does not mean that individual taste is irrelevant—to the contrary, we are often influenced by our peculiar preferences for various physical features such as hair color or body shape, and preferences for body type and body mutilations vary quite a bit based on culture. Rather, the cross-cultural and cross-historic consistency identified in many features of attractiveness attests to the im- portance of attraction in the survival and procreation of the species. Cues related to olfactics and vocalics also play a role in the attraction process. Although olfactic cues likely operate subtly and outside of conscious aware- ness, people are generally attracted to those who smell differently than themselves. Using too much perfume can negatively affect perceptions of attractiveness, whereas having an articulate, expressive, and resonant voice can positively affect perceptions of attractiveness.

Not all experiences of attraction lead to the development of relationships, of course; sometimes attractiveness is simply acknowledged and appreciated (such as when people look at models). For David and Tina, however, their at- traction to each other was so strong that they were immediately motivated to meet, visit, and see if an emotional connection would ensue. Couples such as David and Tina may go through some or all of Givens’ courtship phases— attention, recognition, interaction, sexual arousal, and resolution—with be- haviors starting out submissive and then becoming increasingly immediate as they progress through the courtship process.

David decided to take Tina to a small, intimate jazz bar that he knew about. He wasn’t sure what kind of music she liked or what kind of atmo- sphere she preferred, but he knew this bar would be quiet enough to allow them to get to know each other. Once they ordered drinks and sat down, the conversation immediately flowed. Tina talked about growing up the oldest of seven kids and how her parents, both doctors, actively encour- aged her interest in math, an interest that eventually led her to major in fi- nance and then earn an MBA. David talked about life in a small town and how growing up with a developmentally delayed brother sparked his in- terest in being an educator. Their conversation was easy and David and Tina were quickly growing fond of each other. By the time they met for a date the following evening, both were starting to experience feelings of af- fection for the other. Their mutual affection increased over the next week as they spent more time together, yet both of them kept their feelings to themselves. Tina worried that David might not reciprocate her feelings; David did not want to scare Tina off by displaying affection too early. After a couple more dates, however, their feelings were simply too strong to deny. David told Tina, “I really care for you.” Tina smiled and said she felt the same way. A weight lifted from them both and the possibilities for their newly forming relationship seemed more exciting than ever before.

The expression of affection is one of the most important communicative processes used in the development and maintenance of personal relation- ships. Affectionate behaviors in newly forming relationships often serve as critical incidents by which relational development is gauged (King & Chris- tensen, 1983). For instance, relational partners frequently remember their

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