Flirting
In his excellent work, Models, Mark Manson defines flirting as: “Expressing your sexuality to a woman in a non-needy manner, eliciting her to become more attracted to you.”
Let me break that definition down. “Expressing your sexuality” means you are clear with your intent. You are speaking to her because you find it fun and you think she is attractive. A direct statement of interest certainly accomplishes this, “You are beautiful.” But so does good body language.
Holding strong eye contact while you discuss politics with her is as clear a statement of interest as there is.
Non-needy manner should be familiar at this point. You are speaking with her because you wonder what she is like. Does she fit your qualifications in a girl? Go find out! That's being non-needy. You're not hard up for sex, you're just figuring out what she is all about. Curious minds want to know. It’s all part of sexual communication.
Flirting done correctly will cause her to “become more attracted to you.” That's the name of the game.
There are two basic forms of flirting: breaking rapport and leading. Breaking rapport is anything that shows you are willing to risk rejection. Leading is when you, as man, directly dictate the direction of the interaction.
Any time you tease, do something unexpected and spontaneous, say something surprising, or act dismissive, you are breaking rapport.
Examples of Breaking Rapport:
Teasing (Playful ribbing, made clear you’re not being serious via your smile and laughter. Example: “You're really beautiful, Natalie. I think you're the third hottest Natalie I've ever met.” <shit-eating grin>)
Vocal Inflection (Lowering your inflection as opposed to raising your inflection at the end of sentences. It's the difference between “Wow, you went to Brown University.” and “Ugh, you went to Brown University?”)
Spontaneity (Doing something surprising and unexpected. Get creative!)
Leading is when YOU make a decision about where an interaction will be heading. She expects you to push the interaction forward. That is your job. You always risk some level of rejection when you try to change the flow.
That demonstrates a willingness to walk away which is inherently attractive and non-needy. That is flirting 101.
Examples of Leading:
Touch (You are physically leading the interaction towards physical intimacy.)
Roleplaying (You are deciding to play a game and allowing her to play with you.)
Changing venues (You decide where to go next.)
Making decisions (You decide what to order, what to do, etc.)
Treating her like an old friend (You are deciding to treat her like an old friend even though you just met.)
As a general rule of thumb, not taking yourself too seriously, and staying self-entertained, will allow you to maximize your attractiveness and pass any “tests” she may throw your way. Keep that in mind.
Touch
You MUST get comfortable touching others if you expect to get good with women. There is no way to fake the act of touching.
Start basic, offer handshakes and high fives to people like they're going out of style. When you or the person you're talking to says something funny, touch them on the forearm when you laugh. It's perfectly natural and establishes that you are comfortable touching.
When with a woman, decide arbitrarily to move the two of you to another section of the bar, or park, or wherever you are. When you do, put your hand on the small of her back. “Come on, let's move over there.” or “Let's go check the other side of the bar out. Come on.”
Or let your legs touch each other under the table as the sexual tension builds. Force yourself to get comfortable doing it – there is no way around it.
ABOVE THE GAME
Conversation
Your conversation skills are important but not the be all, end all. There are master orators, hypnotists, comedians and storytellers who rely almost exclusively on their words to get laid. But here's their big secret: they turn most women off rather quickly.
They speak when they should listen. They're entertaining when they should be seducing. They are building up to a punch line when they should be building comfort. In other words, they are miscalibrated.
You want to find something you can both speak passionately about and run with it. Find commonalities. Ask questions. Get her opinion on all sorts of things.
Do not be afraid to call out a conversation as boring and change the topic.
That's leading and that's flirting 101. Here is an example:
You: How were your classes today?
Girl: Not bad.
You: Cool. Any plans for the summer?
Girl: Not yet... looks away, disinterested
You (recognizing the situation): You know, this conversation is boring. Let's talk about something more exciting.
Girl: What?
You: Yeah, let's mix it up. Here's a question for you... Why is Japanese porn so weird?
Girl: LOL what? Uh...
You: Seriously, they do the most depraved things ever and then blur out the genitals so it's supposed to be OK or something.
Girl: You know a lot about Japanese porn, dude.
You: Yeah, I was a world-class masturbator when I was 13.
Girl: Uh…
You: Hah bet you never thought you'd be discussing my middle school masturbation habits, huh?
Girl: Hah can't say I did.
You: Anyway, walk with me a second, I need to check on something.
I chose this example because I'm a guy who wants women who are comfortable laughing about topics like Japanese porn. That’s just who I am.
I spent time reflecting on the qualities I like in a woman. Yours should be quite different, that’s a good thing. I also quickly turned a boring conversation to a hilarious and sexual one with just a few words. “This conversation is boring. Let's talk about something more exciting.” = your new best friend.
That's being spontaneous, unique, and leading in one fell swoop. Try it
out sometime. Develop your own “routines” and use them egregiously.
Figure out what conversation topics make you smile. Try to be different. Be polarizing and use your conversation as a way to qualify a woman's compatibility. Remember, you're trying to find out what she's like. Don't be afraid to scare incompatible women off. That's a GOOD thing. That’s all part of sexual communication.
Questions for Sexual Communication
Speaking of sexual communication, conversation is the main tool for learning the who, what, when, why, and where of your partner’s sexual desires and experiences. The following is a series of questions designed to accomplish a bunch of important things at once: finding out what logistical hurdles are between you guys hooking up, communicating that you are interested in her as a sexual partner, demonstrating social awareness and striking a sexual vibe.
1) Who did you come here with?
2) How did you get here?
3) What’s your roommate situation?
4) Got plans tomorrow?
5) How are you getting home?
6) Where abouts do you live?
Don’t barrage her with these all at once. Pepper them into conversation as naturally as possible. What you are doing is probing her current situation and interest in possibly hooking up. Experience will help you read between the lines, but it’s all pretty common sense. If a woman is thrilled to tell you that all her roommates are out of town and she has no plans tomorrow morning, plus she’s looking for a ride home… Well, it’s never smart to assume, but throwing out a “How about we go back to your place?” later on in the conversation would probably be wise. Likewise, don’t just assume that because a woman is hesitant to give you such personal details that she is not potentially attracted to you. In any scenario, exercise caution and keep banter alive. But all things being equal, those questions are amazingly efficient at starting off the sexual communication process.
Seguing into a sexual topic is a skill that you can work on. Same with teasing. For example, I’ve said things like this before… “I bet you live in a giant mansion.” This is an example of a statement designed to elicit a response. Depending on how she responds it could turn into a conversation about gentrification to one about how you have a buddy in Cabo with a sex swing in his guest house. Be creative and learn to love the vibe. Vibing is key to fun and healthy sexual communication!
Here is an example you can try out… Try feigning a bit of bashfulness and asking a woman if she’s ever received an unsolicited dick pic via text, or
ABOVE THE GAME
online, or through Snapchat or any of the myriad of social applications.
Seriously, just say something like, “Hey, this is gonna sound nuts but I was in an argument with a friend of mine the other day… Do guys really send pics of their junks to women? Why do they do that? Is the logic that it’ll somehow get the women to want to sleep with them?” If anything, it will progress the conversation towards sexual topics and the psychology of sex!
Trust me, even the most inept of men can turn that topic into a deep-dive into sexual topic.
Comfort Building
Just remember, at some point when you are talking to a girl, you MUST build a certain level of comfort or she will not feel comfortable sleeping with you/dating you. Sure, talking about porn is great, but you'll need more than that to find a girlfriend. Entire books have been written on comfort building methods, but I'm going to share my secret with you.
In addition to finding common things you like or have experienced (commonalities), play a quick “Getting to know you” game and bring up these three topics:
1) A time when you were really embarrassed 2) A time when you were really scared
3) Your relationship with your parents & your parents' relationship It has been scientifically proven, in a famous study conducted by Dr.
Arthur Aron, that those three conversation topics lead to high levels of comfort between individuals. You will each feel like you have shared a very vulnerable side and you will have more respect for one another because of it.
Building comfort is critical for fruitful sexual communication. Nobody wants to share their inner-most secrets with someone they feel like they barely know. Spend extra time getting to know the person before you. Be sure to demonstrate the social awareness that you know she doesn’t want to be seen as a slut by other women. This is one of THE most eye-opening insights from all the focus groups. Women shame other women constantly.
It is a reality. Showing you empathize with her situation demonstrates concern, social awareness, and sexual maturity. All of these are incredibly attractive traits.
Action Items
(NOTE: Don't worry about rejection. You're just practicing different things, there is no reason to have any expectations on the outcomes of these practice interactions. Loosen up and have fun! Also, this is the part of the guide where different people will require vastly different time to accomplish all the steps. Some people can do it in a week, some will take a couple years.
The important thing is to NOT GIVE UP. The rest of your life depends on it!)
1) Go out to a high-traffic venue that you are comfortable in. Approach 10 different girls or groups of people, keeping in mind the proper body language and approach practice you did in Chapter 9.