I’ve always been a mum actually this [HE] is for me

Motherhood was the strand of identity that featured most heavily in all of their accounts of changing identity and the effects of HE on their family relationships (see Figure 4). This was supported by comments women made to explain how they felt about being a mother prior to HE:

I was a mother and that was my life. (Heidi)

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They defined being a mother in terms of the time they were able to give to their children. Being able to work part time or be a stay at home mother, be the main carer and be available to their children was of importance to the women. They wanted to have time to play with their children, attend their sporting activities and provide nurturance, support and care:

I always wanted to be a mum, it was my choice … I chose to work part time so I could be there for my children. (Esme)

I only worked part time and I was at home with the children, also I saw that as my place. My husband literally went to work, he earnt the money and came home and played with the children, so I was very much a housewife, mother and wife,(Angelina)

These comments show two different perspectives on being a mother; wanting to do that role and feeling that it was a role assigned to them. For example, Betty (see Chapter 6.3.2) faced

opposition from her parents when they were concerned with how the course was affecting her stress levels as she had suffered from post natal depression before. They wanted her to focus on ‘being a Mum again’ thus positioning her as a mother needing to fulfil the obligations of that role as they perceived them. These two different perspectives may affect how the women feel about committing a proportion of their time and focus into HE studies. How a mother defines parenthood affects her choices in life, for herself and her children. Before HE, the women had made choices that put their children’s needs10 _{above their own career or self satisfaction needs.}

5.1.1 Changing concepts of motherhood

Prior to HE, motherhood was seen by the women as a separate and distinctive role to fatherhood. All of the mothers (with the exception of Kim) took full responsibility for household tasks (e.g. cooking, cleaning, shopping) and the main responsibility for the care of the children. Although they delegated some roles, the main responsibility for completing household tasks remained with them. They saw being a mother and housewife as part of their identity, with clear and separate gendered roles to their husbands. However, during the course of

10 _{The term ‘children’s needs’ is difficult to define (see Chapter3.3.3). The women use it in this study as}

the essential requirements they must provide to aid the healthy development of their children. This is individual to each woman and can encompass physical, emotional, financial, intellectual or social needs.

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the study it became clear that these roles could be interchanged and were flexible enough to encompass the changing needs of the family due to the study needs of the women.

The women’s concept of being a mother, who put the needs of their children first, changed during the process of the HE programme. This was partly attributed to balancing motherhood and studying. They began to prioritise their own requirements, such as their desire to free up time to study, Heidi’s account illustrates this. Heidi decided to be a ‘stay at home mum’ whilst her children were of preschool age and combined this with studying. This meant that when her children were all of primary school age she was qualified to follow a career pathway that would support the family financially and educationally through her developing knowledge base. The following comments illustrate this further:

The amount of work that I had to do was so much that I was on the computer every other day …Sometimes Sam [young son] would sit on my lap when he started getting tired and he would fall asleep on my lap while I was sat on the computer typing. I actually loved that time in the afternoon when he would go to sleep. (Heidi)

Through giving her son this emotional support and responding to his care needs alongside of studying, Heidi felt able to balance the demands of motherhood and being a student. Other participants were more transparent about putting their needs to study as a priority, using the justification that this was their opportunity to put themselves first:

I kept thinking I’ve got to do this for myself, I‘ve always been a mum … actually this is for me. (Esme)

It became apparent through the process of the interviews that the women’s identification as a mother changed during the HE experience. Although the strand of mother was important for them it was a fluid and evolving part of who they were. As their constructions of themselves changed so did their understanding of motherhood:

I’ve always sat down, I’ve done activities with them, my house has always been like a pre-school as well … we always have the play dough out, the paint … I suppose that has had an impact as I haven’t done as much as I feel I should … I have not had the time…I now sit at one end of the table and my nine year old will get her homework and sit at the other and she feels like we are both working. So in that respect I think it’s having an impact on her. (Jennifer)

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Jennifer changed her view of a mother needing to always be there to entertain her children to one of being able to study alongside of them. Although she sometimes experienced guilt about giving them less time, she could also see how this had enabled her daughter to have a positive educational work ethic. This was an unintended outcome of her HE studies.

5.1.2 Defining other aspects of their identity

The women found it difficult to initially describe their identity outside of roles and relationships with others. Talking about their roles seemed easier to the women and was discussed more frequently than trying to define who they were in terms of identity or dispositions. Only Esme, at the beginning of the interview, described dispositions of being humorous, confident (but not educationally) and assertive. However, through the process of the interviews, the women began to use dispositions to define themselves. The women reflexively repositioned themselves as they reconsidered and elaborated on their points. Although I cannot claim that the interview changed their identity, through talking through their experiences they were able to verbalise them in a different way. Although their identity appeared to change, which they attributed to HE, this is not something that they may have reflected on verbally to others to this depth, therefore the nature of the narrative methods employed gave them a space and an opportunity to do this. The women then began to use dispositions of self confidence, work ethic and emotional resilience as a result of their changing knowledge base in order to identify themselves. These dispositions were strongly situated in their relationships. Prior to HE, six of the women participants positioned themselves as not being educationally able, and lacking in self confidence in their own academic abilities because of negative experiences at school. They believed that their confidence developed as a result of their HE studies. For example:

I was much less confident than what I am now, umm, I always felt that I wasn’t as good as other people … I thought I would never amount to anything

educationally. (Doris)

This is a position that some women had been offered by others that they had accepted, or a position that they categorised themselves with. For example Heidi had been labelled as not

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achieving at school by her teachers. Whereas in contrast, Doris had positioned herself as not being good enough even though her teachers encouraged her to pursue HE.

Marie, who was experiencing difficulties in her marriage prior to HE, defined her identity through the destructive relationships she had had previously. She described losing self confidence, control, self belief, self-respect and direction in relation to her identity strand as wife. She did not feel that these relationships acknowledged her achievements or nurtured her self-esteem. Doris stated that her husband wanted her to achieve status through a career rather than being a stay at home mother:

So my self-respect and self-esteem at this point [prior to HE] were very low ... I was pretty reliant on people that weren’t very good for me… he [husband] consistently said, ‘You have to do more, being a mum is not enough’: he did not respect the mother’s role. (Marie)

Although the women spoke of being happy in the role of mother they also did not feel content with the patterns of behaviour or duties assigned to this role and wanted something more:

I think being at home all the time is lovely, but I think sometimes you need something else in your life. (Heidi)

I was a mother, wife and daughter… I knew I hadn’t found, well I had been in various jobs, none of which I really wanted to do. (Angelina)

The participants selected the Foundation Degree programme as they were actively seeking transformations and a change in their lives. Seven of the participants were already working in early years and wanted to develop their role and expertise, whereas four participants were new to the field. For instance, Marie was looking for a change in direction; she wanted a purposeful career as well as to find achievement and success in something for herself. Betty had previously found status through her paid work in health and social care but felt this was lost as she became a mother. Betty located her identity in workplace status and career success alongside being a mother and saw HE as a space to reconstruct her identity and regain respect and status. Identity change occurred as their perceptions about themselves were redefined and transformed. As discussed in Chapter 3, there can be a period of unrest or adjustment as the women and their families assimilate any transformative changes and adjust to differing forms of identity.

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