It hit me hard. I felt as though I had jumped out of a moving car and found myself dealing with instant anxiety and depression.
When someone starts drinking heavily, their emotional development becomes inhibited. There I was at age 30, with the emotional maturity of a
teenager. I was totally unprepared to deal with life awake, as I had never had to before, and thus never learned how. I had to sober up, grow up, and step up to be the son, brother, father, husband, and employee I desired to be.
Initially it wasn’t easy. I was quite upset that I could not drink. I stopped watching sports because it became apparent that I really didn’t like them. I watched them because they were synonymous with drinking. Likewise, my social circle disappeared.
It became apparent to me that this journey was not so much about stopping drinking as it was about living sober. If I was going to be alone and miserable, what would be the point of denying myself alcohol? Many people return to the hell of drinking because they do not learn how to live a fulfilling life. They clean up the wreckage of the past, keep the demon of their addiction at bay, yet do not replace it with something truly fulfilling. Eventually, life just feels bland or boring.
As addicts/alcoholics are instant-gratification people, they know the instant solution, which to the casual observer, is sheer insanity. Why would anyone want to go back after they put so much effort into escaping?
Addiction is a disease. A very patient disease that you cannot be cured of. If you succumb, you will find yourself back where you left off in a very short period of time. It is that powerful.
Imagine life to be a piece of farmland. While drinking or using, the land gets neglected, littered with debris and rocks, and covered with weeds. As you embrace a sober life, you begin to clear that land. The junk is removed, the weeds are dug up, and the soil is turned.
Thus, you have a beautiful, fertile piece of land where once you had a wasteland. The opportunity now is to plant something worthwhile on it. If you do not, that soil is going to produce something – and it probably won’t be beneficial.
As time passes, it falls into disarray again, which rapidly creates an emotional space that requires instant solace.
Thus, living sober is about establishing and maintaining a space that is emotionally fulfilling and sustaining. Life is always going to be life. There will still be accidents, job losses, death, divorce, war, etc. – none of which we have any control over. We do have control over the extent to which such events affect us and how our journey continues to unfold.
It is somewhat akin to physical fitness. The more you care for your body on a regular basis, the better chance you will have of staying healthy or of returning to a healthy state faster if you became sick.
Waiting until you are sick or have a heart attack is way too late to start thinking about a fitness regimen. At that point, all your resources are devoted to surviving and just getting better.
Establishing and maintaining a better space for yourself is your greatest asset in maintaining sobriety. When you are peaceful and content, you won’t feel the need for a quick fix. When you are living a life of faith and trust, fear and other negative emotions simply cannot exist in your space, and thus, will have no power over you.
Note that, for an addict/alcoholic, using a substance is always going to be in the back of their mind. It is simply a part of their wiring. Notice when a digital clock loses power then comes back on; it will flash 12:00 until reset. That is the default setting. Using is the default setting for those with the addiction persuasion.
Your opportunity in this instance is to ensure that your “power supply” is like the backup battery. When your resolve is tested, you have sufficient reserves to support you and maintain your preferred space, and not resort to your default setting.
Perspective is a crucial asset to maintaining this space. While early on I was bitter because I couldn’t drink, the energy was totally different when I CHOSE not to drink and entered a space of not wanting to drink. When an addict/
alcoholic puts a substance in their body, they are unable to control it.
Knowing this is a great asset. Yes, alcohol is my weakness. But today, knowing my weakness is my greatest strength.
Although I initially felt that I was losing something and that I had to give up drinking, it pales in significance when I consider what I have gained by choosing to live sober.
I have the love of my children today, whereas my older son used to despise me and look forward to my absence. My mother knew me as the man she raised me to be before she passed, and not the drunken boy she saw me as, all too often. My youngest son has never seen me take a drink and sees how life can be fulfilling and exciting without alcohol.
And, I have a life! I embrace each day as the gift it truly is, and look forward to the uncertain future with excitement and hope.
All because I choose to live sober, one day at a time.
About author.
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