by Julette Millien
G
rowing up in Trinidad, I knew a little girl who went from healed and whole, to broken and pained.She was pretty, very smart, and full of ambition and imagination of the
“better” life. Life in Trinidad was at first all fun and innocence. Then, it changed drastically: she was introduced to the grown up world of sexuality, erotic feelings, and all that comes along with moving too fast along the timeline of life.
Her name was Judy and she so enjoyed a good game of hopscotch! She also enjoyed reading and pretending to be a teacher by spreading books out on her mother’s bed and giving them each a name (of her friends at school). She pretended to teach them all that she knew. Judy loved pleasing her Mom and felt horrible when she caused any disruptions in the peace, so she went out of her way to be good, smart and helpful.
When she was about seven, this responsibility of “keeping things peaceful” became the source of her own internal chaos. You see, it was then that a favorite uncle started to abuse her.
The beginning was simple, easy and even fun. He would sit in the family’s living room and begin to make suggestive (and secretive) eye and mouth gestures. Judy had no clue why this “flattering” attention needed to be hidden from others, and it seemed especially hidden from her uncle’s wife. In her little-girl’s head, she surmised that it had something to do with her aunt’s sometimes real (and sometimes fake) intolerance for his playful ways.
She could only giggle – quietly – when he would look at her, and move his eyes down her still innocent body.
The first time she followed him to her “classroom” – her mother’s bed where she played school – she realized this “relationship” with her fun uncle was now her big dark secret.
For Judy, the weight of that secret was matched only by the excitement of receiving such affirming attention. She didn’t understand it but there was a seed
of uncertainty growing in her emotions. An absent father and siblings created uncertainty and a constant need for attention, affirmation and acknowledgement.
Was she lovable enough so others wouldn’t leave? Was she pretty enough to have friends? Was she good enough to have a regular home with a regular family?
The excitement was also sexual. Feelings not understood were beginning to grow; sensations were new and enticing. Her “fun” uncle seemed to understand and was willing to provide a place to feel them “safely.”
When the secret became a burden, and the guilt began to eat away at her very Catholic conscience, Judy started to dread being around “fun” uncle. Some coaxing and forcing was now needed, but sadly, the “good” feelings betrayed her.
Still feeling that sensation when violated was as confusing as confusing gets. The
“good” (or natural) mixed with the bad, resulted in only more bad.
Her sense of being dirtied, bad, different and inadequate was confirmed by other experiences where the parents of school friends didn’t see her as good enough for their girls. Having sexual experiences under her belt, she felt quite grown and worldly, so when presented with an opportunity to show her friends how grown she was, she demonstrated how drinking rum was “no big deal.” Yes, at age 8 she showed her little friends how to put a bottle to their head and take a taste! Their parents didn’t take too kindly to this and dismissed little precocious and slightly buzzed Judy from their home and from their daughters’ lives. It was a sad walk home, Judy tells me. She felt as big as the 8 ounce rum bottle she had just showed off with.
This experience was confirmation that she was basically no good. That feeling went deep into her soul and manifested in all sorts of ways. When you feel/believe you are no good, you pull people to you who will treat you in such a way as to confirm this belief.
Little Judy made a horrendous mistake, one which increased the pain, guilt and shame that had taken root in her soul. She did not tell her mother, or anyone, for that matter. No one was allowed to know this big dark secret. She felt responsible for what was done to her and was not sure how anyone, particularly her mother, would respond to the news – would she be believed, comforted or disciplined?
There was no way of knowing, so she was silent.
Even doing fun things like being taught to swim, became an opportunity to be touched. She felt as if a big red sign was on her pretty dark curls saying,
“Here, I’m no longer innocent, fondle me!”
Sadly and not surprisingly, Judy went on to be violated by other uncles, a friend’s grandfather, and also by a boy who she thought was a caring friend – in this case, experiencing full blown date rape at 16.
If only she had come to me. I would have hugged her and comforted her and assured her of God’s love for her. If only she had reached out to me, her wiser inner guide. But she didn’t. She was very clever about keeping her secret from everyone, including herself.
I became aware of her pain when I was 26. It was then I reached out to my little girl within and grieved the loss of our childhood.
Becoming aware and knowledgeable by reading everything available on childhood sexual abuse added to my tool kit of strategies for being able to handle the consequences of this all too common violation. One in four girls are violated in the U.S., often by someone they know. It is estimated that over 40 million Americans experienced sexual abuse in childhood.
It was soothing to my soul to learn that what I was experiencing were
“normal” reactions and coping mechanisms for a wounded child on her path to womanhood: broken relationships, challenges with intimacy, emotional dependency, fear of abandonment and betrayal, trigger-sharp sensitivity, low self-esteem, guilt and shame, thinking I caused these attacks on my innocence by being basically a bad seed, emotional numbness and disconnect, a yearning for perfection and an unforgiving heart.
In addition to my belief in a forgiving God who loved me as I was, an excellent therapist, Dr. Valerie Bryant in Brooklyn, NY, helped me turn my living hell into something bearable.
I became aware that my emotional/spiritual/psychological growth was essentially stunted. While I grew physically, my emotions, psyche and spiritual world were stuck in time. I was a hurt little girl, confused and riddled with shame, trying to make it in a grown up world
And I did!
Any exposure to inappropriate sexual experience IS abuse, so if you are a survivor of abuse – if there was ANY violation of your childhood innocence of a sexual nature, which can be physical, verbal, visual or auditory – and you are reading this, BELIEVE me when I tell you that YOU CAN OVERCOME! If you have any amount of hesitation about your ability to overcome this challenge, believe me that you CAN overcome it!
My journey to being healed and whole began at age 16, on my way back home from the mall, as I read the first pages of The Art of Loving, by Eric Fromm. I decided then that I wanted to love and be loved in a deep and healthy way. I longed for peace and joy, and I knew enough to know I could only have love, peace and joy by being healed and whole.
My journey was a long and difficult one, due in part to my own decisions and mindset. I didn’t seek therapy until my first marriage was on the decline (in my early 40’s). Neither did I share the burden with my mother, nor did I truly give
it to God. I also denied the facts of my childhood by burying them way below the water line of my consciousness. This all helped to keep me in the dark.
Here are the 10 steps I took to wellness and light as I realized God’s promise for my life:
1. I gave it to God through prayer, scripture and meditation (I SURRENDERED!) and allowed my spirit to lead my thoughts and emotions; I made a commitment to my healing.
2. I grew my capacity to love… by loving people.
3. I wrote it all out, keeping a journal and writing letters to my abusers.
4. I learned about my syndrome. Readings in psychology and self-development provided valuable insights. Knowing why I was the way I was empowered me to press on through the challenging times.
5. I faced the truth and allowed myself to feel the pain – raw and real.
6. I accepted that to receive the peace, joy, love, grace and prosperity I sought, I had to first sow it... I had to give it and be it in order to receive it. (Essentially, I behaved as though I was healed before I was.) 7. I was physically active and healthy – with daily workouts, healthy
habits, etc.
8. I came to know my passion/purpose and chose to live a life of service and kindness.
9. I realized my painful youth was a way for me to bless others, by telling the story.
10. I decided to forgive all my violators, and I began praying for their well-being.
It was clear that holding on to anger, guilt or shame was blocking my blessings. I had to forgive all, including myself. I forgave myself for blaming myself and carrying all that unnecessary guilt and shame for so long.
On advice from my wise therapist, I had a little chat with my little girl and asked her to take her rightful place in my life – in my heart. I hugged her deep and long and allowed her to go. I did tell her though that if she ever felt the need to be stroked or comforted, I would be here for her.
How can you start/continue your healing today?
About author.
Julette Millien is passionate about making our world a better place TODAY, and about working with people who share this passion. She believes “We get better so we can do better and serve more.” A survivor of childhood sexual abuse, she broke through the chains of lack and limitation to live a life of love, prosperity and service. Connect with her at www.JuletteMillien.com, or Facebook.com/
JuletteMillien.