improved behavior spoke of renewed hope for the future

Because Tom had such a poor reputation at school and such bad socialization patterns, the family decided to send him away to a boarding school. We talked at length about the problems of finding a new family solidarity when Tom was absent most of the time. T h e parents decided that a clean and total break from the past was Tom's only chance to start fresh. He probably couldn't live at home and over-come many bad habits. I reluctantly agreed.

T o m enrolled in a private school several hundred miles away. It was a financial sacrifice for his parents and excep-tionally difficult for Tom, who lacked many of the refined social skills of his contemporaries. T h e school officials gave T o m extra tutoring in academic and social areas. At last report, Tom is moving toward academic honors and has become an outstanding member of the school's hockey team. T h e parents have undergone a complete renewal of their marriage and are delighted to discover that family life can be beautiful and serene. Tom has had several excellent visits during vacations and is proving to be a splendid ex-ample for his younger brothers and sister to follow.

T h e family is now talking about T o m returning home for his senior year in high school. They are weighing all sides of the issue. But mostly they are listening to what Tom wants. And they should; he's not a loser anymore.

Toby

From outward appearances, fifteen-year-old Toby didn't fit the mold of the PPS victim. He was the second son, he and his father spent a lot of time together, and he was the leader of a group of neighborhood boys. In most cases, these attributes speak of a dropout from the legion of lost boys. However, in Toby's case, the first impression was deceptive.

Toby was not the older male child, but he was the

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ent of excessive permissiveness. His parents had been strict with Toby's brother, who was five years older than Toby.

His brother had done so well that his parents had relaxed their standards of child-rearing. They believed that since they had been successful with one child, they didn't have to work hard with the next one. Thus, while his brother had been expected to earn his way, gaining a source of honest pride, Toby got everything he wanted without lift-ing a flift-inger. His irresponsibility left him vulnerable to his father's personal difficulties.

Toby's dad was a frustrated man. He had not achieved the education and life position that he craved and he felt cheated by his impoverished upbringing. He had a hair-trigger temper and tended to blame his problems on every-body else. In short, Dad was an angry man. Because he felt insecure and desirous of his father's approval, Toby tried his best to follow in his dad's footsteps. As a result of being exposed to an aggressive role model, Toby became a fighter.

The time that he and his father spent together backfired on Toby.

Even his group identity wasn't what it appeared to be.

Toby was indeed seen as a leader. But the neighborhood boys followed Toby out of fear for their physical safety, not because they respected him. His status was upheld by the fact that he could become aggressive at a moment's notice.

In other words, Toby was a bully.

Toby was under strict instructions from his father never to start a fight; likewise, he was told never to walk away from one. Rather than channeling his brightness into aca-demic work, Toby devised subtle ways of provoking fights.

He was particularly adept at using noxious verbalizations to agitate other kids. He found that references to purported homosexual activity usually led to fisticuffs. He dressed in a disheveled manner with vulgar sayings on his T-shirts, all in an effort to turn a verbal confrontation into a physical one. He assigned himself the role of defender of the little

LONELINESS 101 guy, not out of a sense of fair play but because it afforded him ample opportunity to beat up on other kids.

Toby didn't lose many fights. He was over six feet tall and was a muscular 170 pounds. Whenever his parents received phone calls about Toby's aggressiveness, his fa-ther demanded details of the physical encounter, sup-posedly trying to determine whether or not to discipline Toby. In truth, his father took secret delight in seeing his son express the anger that he himself held inside.

Toby's mom sensed this imbalance and tried her best to stop it. Rather than confronting her husband, she inadvert-ently gave her son the covert message that he was dispointing his father. In reaction, Toby tried harder for ap-proval by becoming more aggressive.

T h e good news in this vicious cycle was that Toby didn't like the role of bully. He was not a mean kid. In fact, he was essentially a nonviolent child. He knew deep in his heart that other kids didn't really like him; the loneliness only created more panic and more aggression.

When I saw Toby, he was trapped by his own reputation as well as by his anxiety, irresponsibility, and loneliness.

He understood that if he changed his behavior, not only would he lose a lot of friends, but there would also be a lot of kids waiting to get even with him. He was afraid that in order to quit fighting, he would be subjected to more fights.

He really needed his father's help.

To my surprise, his father gave him that help. Toby's dad was somewhat honest about his own frustrations and genu-inely shocked to learn how they affected Toby. I acted as an intermediary in several father-son discussions during which Toby was relieved of the burden of acting out his father's frustration. Once Toby understood that his fa-ther's weakness was not his problem, he was free to change his methods of socialization.

Toby didn't even complain (too loudly) when his parents instituted some stricter disciplinary measures. His curfew

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was tightened and his school performance closely scruti-nized. He was expected to be mannerly around the house and to maintain a high standard of cleanliness and a proper dress code. These rules forced Toby away from the bully role and rewarded him for being a kind and compassionate teenager. Toby confided that they also helped him gain new friends and feel confident about being an excellent student. But the most telling insight was provided by Toby with this off-handed comment: "I guess my parents now care as much about me as they did about my brother."