Intentionally influencing children’s empathy development: Addressing

callousness. Regarding parents’ attempts to encourage the development of empathy behaviors in their children, and from the way in which parents reported how they address instances of callous behavior, two main themes emerged. These two themes, as well as the selected interview data relating to these themes, will be briefly presented.

3.2.2.1. Theme 3: Delayed processing. Participants were asked about situations in which their children did not show empathy when empathy would have been appropriate. Participants discussed ways in which they deal with the callous behavior exhibited by their children, whether that behavior is intentional or unintentional. One of the emerging themes was the importance of delaying serious discussion about the behavior until the children were in a more emotionally neutral state. For instance, if they were acting callously because they were angry or excitable, the children were given time to become calm before making an attempt to correct and teach them.

Delaying the attempt, however, did not mean that misbehavior was completely ignored until emotional neutrality was reached. As will be discussed further within Theme 4, parents may need to intervene quickly in some situations. Nevertheless, when attempting to elicit perspective taking and empathy from children, parents indicated that postponing serious times of teaching and processing the situation was important.

One of the primary explanations offered by some participants for delaying discussion was that the children were not able to listen well or learn when they were in a negative emotional state or too excited. Some parents felt that their particular child required time to calm down before he

or she was able to really process and understand his or her own behavior as well as the behavior of others, which in turn meant that he or she needed to be calm before being able to empathize with another individual’s needs, desires, and situations. Below are a few short excerpts of parents discussing how important it is to let the children calm down after any type of conflict where they have become particularly angry or frustrated.

Audrey: Sometimes I try to talk to them, but sometimes there’s no point talking to them

‘cause they’re so escalated that there’s no point.

Interviewer: Right

Audrey: You need to get them to a neutral zone and then you can.

And then later on:

Audrey: When she’s neutral than I can talk to her and she understands and she gets everything.

__

Beth: Occasionally they have escalated enough to the point that it just can’t be done at that time

__

Jenny: Um, once you get passed, because you have to calm him down first Interviewer: Mmm

Jenny: then he gets very cross. Five minutes later, “can we talk now.” Cause there’s no point asking him anything as soon you start telling him off he stops [inaudible]

3.2.2.2. Theme 4: Quick directive with subsequent teaching. When discussing how to correct callous behaviors, an emerging theme was the use of a quick command or directive to immediately stop a negative behavior, which was then followed by more careful teaching about being empathic for similar situations in the future. During the interview, parents discussed that at times, callous behaviors are potentially harmful and the parents wants to stop the negative behavior quickly. To do so, a brief, clear, command is required to stop the behavior right away.

The immediacy of such situations leaves little room for thought out discussions. However, the parents also discussed that to help their children build skills, further conversations were warranted. Intentional teaching about taking another’s perspective, being kind, and thinking

outside of one’s own wants or needs were marked as an important part of stopping callous behaviors for the future. Taken together, this surfacing theme speaks to both instantaneous and long-term approaches to dealing with callous behavior.

Such models of reacting to callousness were thought to be successful over time, rather than immediately. To instill a sense of empathy, participants noted the need to repeat certain teachings a few times and to allow the child’s natural maturation to combine with parental guidance. In Interview 2, Jenny recalls a heated argument between her children about the best way to play a computer game.

Jenny: If they’re playing a two-player game on the computer and they’ll start screaming at each other ‘cause one’s not doing what the other wants them to do.

Interviewer: Right

Jenny: I can’t abide listening [Laughing] to that, so I have to keep stopping them and go

“Stop”

Similarly Jenny recalls a time when her son, while playing Lego, took a piece that his sister was using without asking, leading to an argument.

Jenny: So by the time I’m gettin’ involved, it’s, it’s too late for that particular instance.

But I’m just trying to take them through it. And I mean, generally, I mean when that happens, usually what it then, what it, for that particular instance, what will end up happening, I will, I will quite often just have to say “Give it back.”

Interviewer: Mmmm

Jenny: And, deal with this- their frustration losing what they wanted.

In Interview 4, Beth discusses similar interactions between her two daughters when they cannot agree while playing together.

Beth: Occasionally they have escalated enough to the point that it just can’t be done at that time

Interviewer: Right

Beth: they just need to be separated. Um, and then usually simply by separating them, and that’s just a “K, we’re gonna take a quiet time for ten minutes in your room. Do your own thing. Read a book, colour a picture, whatever.”

Interviewer: Yeah

Beth: And that, within five minutes, they’re usually ready to start playing together again.

During Interview 1, Diego told about a different incident where he had to provide a

non-negotiable rule for his son in order interrupt a bad influence in his son’s life. As Diego indicates, while the rule itself did not allow for compromise, he was able to provide follow up information about the reasons behind the rule so that his son was given the opportunity to understand why the rule was laid down sternly for him.

Diego: I think he gravitates towards those troublemakers Interviewer: Okay

Diego: ‘cause it’s more exciting. It kinda fits his personality. So have to definitely um, tell him to play with other kids and

Interviewer: Yeah

Diego: you know, stay away from those kids. You know, they’re using bad words and so we don’t want you to use those bad words.

The analysis discovered two themes demonstrating that when reacting to instances of callousness or aggression, parents respond with the same sensitivity to the child’s needs as when reacting to opportunities for empathy teaching. However, not only are they sensitive to the child’s differing needs, but also, parents flow flexibly among disciplining, teaching, and trying to impart or instill empathy. Here, scaffolding is not the only concern, although the parents certainly are adjusting to the various needs or abilities of the children (for instance, responding differently to younger than older children). Goodness of fit (Thomas & Chess, 1977) is also important as parents navigate how to handle hints of callousness. For instance, issues of privacy, the child’s emotions, the parent’s emotions, the seriousness of the transgression, and the immediacy of the situation are instantly considered.

According to Thomas and Chess (1977), goodness of fit describes a matching between children’s abilities or personality with the parents’ behavior, often meaning the parenting

expectations or responses. Although the concept of goodness of fit is typically used to understand the way in which parents and parenting behaviors interact with children’s temperaments to produce the best outcomes for the children, it also seems fitting in terms of the way in which parents alter their practices to meet other needs. A great example of goodness of fit within empathy teaching came out in the interviews. During an intense emotional state, the parents

discussed the need to leave time and space for the children to calm down prior to further teaching or disciplining. As one parent explained, if this cool down period is not provided, any information from the parent will be quickly ignored or put aside, if it is even attended to in the first place.

Here is an example of how parenting can be altered in a way to ensure that the children’s needs are met most appropriately, even though temperament is not the main reason for the parent’s alteration.