This chapter sets the theoretical tone by intertwining the reading I did in the first year of my studies, alongside my own thoughts and feelings as a 22/23-year-old new-to-the- world-of-research definitely-not-grownup. It is based upon feelings expressed in a paper I gave when three months into my PhD. I present the original introduction here as a primer to what follows.
“Shit, this is proper grownup stuff”
After four years as an undergraduate student in Sheffield and a lazy summer with my parents in Wakefield, I moved to begin my PhD in Manchester. Previously living with friends and my big brother, suddenly I have my own flat in a big new city. The title of this chapter, ‘Playing Grownup’, reflects feelings since the move: “shit, this is proper grownup stuff”. This phrase has numerously crossed my mind and passed my lips. I distinguish between thinking and speaking because they tell different stories. “Shit, this is proper grownup stuff” emerges as a thought at times of personal reflection. In my flat by myself; panicking because I cannot disable the smoke alarm; remembering how, although I wanted my own place, it was nice to have my big brother in the adjacent room for whisky-fuelled putting-the-world-to-rights conversations. It reflects the new, scary bits of my life: moving to a city where I don’t know anyone, living alone for the first time and feeling like a fraud, like I’ve tricked somebody into letting me do a PhD. When I say it aloud, however, it’s said in jest; acting as an icebreaker, especially if I have to reveal my age. The situation I’m in does seem ridiculous, totally surreal. Dr. Jen? It’s a joke! And, by joking about it, I’m protecting myself, backing myself up, pre-empting what I think you may be thinking – I know I shouldn’t really be here, I’m not a real grownup.
Two points need highlighting here. Firstly, when I share this phrase there is no precursor needed; there is shared cultural understanding as to what it means to be ‘grownup’. We
35 all ‘get’ the joke. Through our laughter, we agree that some part of my current situation is more ‘grownup’ than previously. Secondly, the phrase reveals my personal insecurities about this ‘more grownup’ status. The worry being that others will consider me a
fraudulent adult: too young, a baby. McRuer (2006) makes the connection between disabled people ‘passing’ as non-disabled and queer people ‘passing’ as heterosexual: at the minute, I feel the need to ‘pass’ as adult. If, as is commonly asserted, youth is a time that precedes adulthood (Wyn & White, 1997), there must be certain benchmarks I can meet to prove myself as adult. What do all these grownups do in their first PhD year? A literature review, I’m told. Great, starting my literature review (researching around youth) can double as developing my strategy of adulthood deception. Jenny Slater, A.K.A. Hercule Poirot. While researching around youth I can work out what adults are meant to do and be, and hopefully convincingly fill that role.
Signposting
This chapter uses critical readings of interdisciplinary literature to think-through my youth/adult/not-grownup-enough-to-be-a-PhD-student dilemmas. I begin with a
background to developmentalism, theories of which continue to dominate our thinking of child, youth and adult (Burman, 2008a, 2008b). As these theories consider ‘adulthood’ the ‘end point’ of youth, I argue that theorising adulthood is vital to understanding discourses of youth. Research question two asks how disability researchers can share the stories of young disabled people in order to reposition them as active and politically resilient. As outlined in the introductory chapter, addressing this question requires interdisciplinary engagement. I combine literature from CDS, critical studies of youth, youth subcultural studies, youth and community work and critical psychology to consider benchmarks I must meet to be considered ‘adult’. Highlighting the ableism of adulthood discourse, I begin to plot some of my concerns in relation to question one: what dangers do young disabled people face if normative discourse remains unquestioned? Conversely, I find that remaining ‘youthful’ is a key part of being ‘adult’. Finding UK policy-based definitions of youth inconsistent, I turn to consider how youth research has been tackled, and how cultural discourses form our conceptions of ‘youth’. This leads me to develop a framework for exploring youth under the headings Youth as Active, Youth for Sale and Youth as Passive. The remainder of this chapter maps these out in turn, before they are further developed in Chapters Two to Four. Although not the sole focus of the chapter, CDS perspectives remain throughout as I use the conceptual lens of disability to critique
36 discourses of youth and adult. Thus, I begin to reveal the potential of research question three: we see what disability can teach us about youth.