JOURNAL ENTRY: MAY 31, 2005

This last week has been bad. I didn’t even finish my last journal entry because I didn’t really care. I ended up relapsing three out of six days last week. I did as I usually do during this relapse: I binged for a few days and am now ready to try again. It is so frustrating. I want to stop, but this is hard.

I finally met with my therapist today. I learned some new things that I wish I had been aware of before

my relapse. Perhaps the most important is that relapse is common. The therapist taught me some new stuff. It got a little complicated, but I think I understand it now, at least the basics. He told me about the precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, takingaction, and maintenance stages. He explained that I am in the preparation stage and that learning how to implement the skills is going to take time. I realize what he is saying is right. It is going to take time. He explained that alcoholics and drug addicts have 30, 60, and 90 day pins or awards because those are good goals to reach for. He also helped me realize that a good goal is focusing on things a day at a time rather than just thinking about never viewing pornography again.

He asked me to identify why I relapsed. Here’s the story. I knew the internal pressure was building up and I even mentioned it in my journal entry from May 23.

However, I didn’t really care. I am so used to those feelings preceding relapse that I have quit trying to stop them. I have a belief that relapse is going to happen, so why fight it. I told my therapist this in our session and he asked me what I will do the next time that belief comes into my mind. At the time I didn’t know, but I think I now know what I will do. The next time I am going to tell myself that I have to go through the withdrawal. I am going to recognize the feeling and tell myself that I had better be ready for the battle. I will also call up my friend John. He understands what I am going through and will be able to talk me through the tough time. I now understand that I relapsed because I didn’t take this whole process serious.

The therapist asked me today how willing I am to give up pornography. He explained that giving up pornography is a lifestyle change. He asked me how much I am willing to sacrifice to overcome my pornography addiction. I hadn’t thought about that before. It is a sacrifice. This has been such a big part of my life. But I’m not a quitter. I’m not going to let this beat me! I am going to stick with what I am learning in therapy. My therapist pointed out that most people who succeed in overcoming pornography addiction learn from their relapses.

Here’s what I learned from this last series of

relapses. First, I learned that I relapsed because I hadn’t developed a good support system. When I was craving pornography I didn’t have anyone to call so I just gave in. I read my game plan but I didn’t follow it. I ignored all of the signs associated with my reaction sequence. These are the reasons why I didn’t succeed.

The therapist also asked me what I was looking for when I relapsed. Was it to get a chemical high? Or was it to numb out stress or frustration? I think it was a little of both. I was under pressure at work and I felt like I deserved a break. However, I think more than anything I was just looking for a chemical high.

Now I need to keep up my awareness. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few weeks. I am going to succeed.

Key points of what I learned today:

I think I made big progress today. I understand much more about relapse. I realize it requires work to win this battle. I know that overcoming pornography isn’t easy, but I thought I would go to a therapist and the solution would be easy. He helped me realize that I have to do a lot of the work. I understand that I need to have more awareness of what to do when the cravings are so strong. I also have to learn from a relapse rather than let myself get so caught up in my mistakes.

My therapist also taught me to have a backup mentality to abstinence— in other words, what happens if I slip up? He pointed out that slipping up can either be a learning experience or an excuse to binge. I am committed to notbinging. He also quoted this statement from Dr. Stanton Peele, “If there is a relapse, getting down on yourself further exacerbates the problem. Self-loathing and despair lead to relapse. Remember that whenever you feel yourself sliding out of control that you have a choice.”¹ I like that quote and have decided that I will write it down and keep it in my wallet.

Initially I was really down after my relapse, but now I am starting to understand that this is a process. I just need to keep learning. I really feel more optimistic.

Things I am going to work on:

I am going to break through the two-week pattern I have been succumbing to. I want to make it at least thirty days.

I want to learn more about the strong emotions I

feel right before I relapse. The next time I am feeling those strong feelings I am going to write in my journal. I want to see if that will help me.