THE PROFILE OF THOSE WHO ARE MOST VULNERABLE TO RELAPSE

A profile is an analysis that represents a person or a process. The profile of those who are most prone to relapse has been developed by observation of clients who relapse and through listening to stories of clients who succeed. Interestingly, the story of successful clients is very consistent. They begin talking the same way as other clients who succeed and their behaviors change in similar ways. At the opposite end of the spectrum, clients who relapse demonstrate similar behaviors and use common justifications that lead to relapse.

The characteristics of those who are most likely to relapse are listed below.

• Keeping secrets

• Limited relationship connections

• Chronic conflict: arguing and fighting

• Little to no social interaction—isolation

• Living for intense and extreme experiences

• Leaving treatment prematurely

• Inadequate preparation

• Ignoring emotional issues KEEPING SECRETS

Harry came to therapy because his religious leader had asked him to seek help before he was married. He had been dating Jennifer for many months and they had been discussing marriage. Harry was hesitant to get engaged because he realized that pornography was a problem for him. He had not discussed his involvement in pornography with Jennifer and was concerned how she might respond. As their relationship became more serious his involvement with pornography had gone from viewing three to five times a week to every few weeks.

Even with the encouragement of his leader he had put off calling me until his clergyman insisted that he do so. In our first session it was clear that Harry was concerned about his viewing pornography, but his biggest concern was how Jennifer would respond if she found out. He did not want to tell her. His religious leader had told him he needed to but Harry did not want to ruin his relationship. He worried that if she knew she would dump him and that he would get heavily involved with pornography again.

When I reinforced the need to discuss this with his girlfriend he became frustrated. He was sure that she would end the relationship. As we discussed how she would respond he began to realize that he was hurting her and would quickly destroy any trust she could have in him if he continued to ignore the real reason he wasn’t pursuing an engagement. He decided to discuss his problem with her and realized that if he lost her it would be because he was being honest. This was a great start in our therapy work together.

Over the next few months we worked through all of the stages and included his girlfriend in the preparation and maintenance stages. She turned out to be a great resource for him as she was willing to talk with him when he was feeling most vulnerable to relapse. While some of my cases do not turn out this well, I am convinced that secrets destroy relationships.

My policy is “No more secrets.”

Those who keep secrets related to pornography often develop the following habits in life.

Lying—Lying becomes a necessity since it is virtually impossible to view pornography and not lie. The other problem with lying is that it takes a tremendous amount of time to cover up old lies. In the book The Millionaire Mind the author tells a story of an owner of a successful real estate management firm. The owner told his son,

“Never lie. Never tell one lie. If you tell one lie, you will have to eventually tell fifteen more to cover up the first lie.” Some of the common lies associated with pornography include:

• Telling one’s spouse of the importance of staying up late to work on a project with the clear intent of viewing pornography

• Staying at work late under the guise of meeting a deadline

• Hiding and stashing magazines, pictures, downloaded video clips, and dvds

• Creating reasons to not attend activities or events so that one can view pornography

• Minimizing the level of involvement in pornography

• Claiming innocence when pornography is found on your computer

• Not being honest with oneself, which includes ignoring internal feelings of guilt or shame. This is lying to oneself by avoiding the feelings and trying to cover them up

• When asked about involvement with pornography the answer is an attempt to deflect the question without a direct answer, or it is a flat out lie

Emotional inconsistency—Secrets create inner turmoil and strife, which creates a pattern of emotional ups and downs. Many addicts say that when they are doing things in secret they find they feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame, which in turn triggers other negative feelings about self.

Internal mind games—The mind can create a lot of internal tension when secrets are held in. One client described it this way, “I view pornography then I

spend hours trying to cover up my tracks. I wonder if my wife will find what I have seen or if I am at work I wonder if my boss knows what I am doing. At times I become so paranoid that I wonder if other people know that I have a problem with pornography.” The only way to end these mind games is to begin telling the truth about the problem. Many addicts feel so strongly that others will reject them or criticize them that they believe it is better to keep their secret to themselves. The consequence is that they put themselves into a little isolation box where they feel like no one understands them. A common thought while in this box is, “If people only knew what I was really like they would not like me.”

Low self-worth—Secrets often create feelings of low self-worth. It is very hard to feel good about oneself while hiding behaviors from others. It is common for individuals who create secrets to feel guilty and ashamed knowing that they are living a double life.

As a result, many who are struggling with low self-worth often choose to numb the emotional pain that comes from these feelings with pornography. Consequently, a vicious cycle occurs between feeling low self-worth and then numbing that feeling away by viewing pornography.

Then because all of this is a secret, those negative internal feelings about self lead to an increased chance of relapse.

Solutions for avoiding secrets

The solution for avoiding secrets is to have an accountability partner. This is a person who will regularly keep in contact with you. It is extremely helpful to tell him or her all of your struggles. It is also beneficial to share the goals that you have set so that you are accountable to someone.

This strategy was described by Dr. Stanton Peele in his book 7 Tools to Beat Addiction.¹ He suggests you set up your own support system. This could be a spouse, friend, family member, or someone else who is concerned about your progress. In your first meeting you need to discuss the steps you each plan to take and schedule a fixed date within the next few weeks (no longer than one month). At that meeting, come prepared to discuss your behavior and its consequences—for example, review whether you

accomplished your goals or not, evaluate your progress, and determine new goals for the next month.

Whether you are successful or not in your attempt, review the actions you have taken and identify which steps you took that helped the most. At the end of your discussion, schedule a fixed date to meet again.

This strategy should be used to help you maintain accountability. As you decide who you would like to be anaccountability partner, remember that this needs to be a person with whom you can be completely open and honest.