Dennis sat in his holding cell chained to the wall at his ankle. He had been sitting there for two days before anyone came to speak to him. He didn’t know who it was, or why he was being held like a prisoner, but finally he was due some answers.
“How are you today?” an unfamiliar man asked through the bars. He was dressed in a brown uniform and looked like something from a Turkish prison. He had a slight accent that didn’t sound familiar and wore a pair of very dark sunglasses, indoors.
“What am I doing here?” Dennis asked. He didn’t want to provoke an argument so he kept his tone civil and low.
“You are under observation,” the man replied. “For what?”
“We don’t trust you, we need to know what you are all about.” “Who are you? And what is this place?” Dennis asked.
The man signaled for the door to be opened and it slid open with a groan. “My name is Kassebaum,” he replied as he stepped inside the cell.
“And what is this place Kassebaum?” “You tell me.”
“Funny, we’re playing games are we?” Dennis replied shaking his head. “I’ll tell you where I think I am, I think I’m inside that big silver football that snapped up the plane before it hit the ground.”
“Big silver football? I like that, never heard it called that before.”
“And I think you’re some sort of alien from Mars or Venus or some shit hole I’ve never heard of before.”
“Shit hole is relative, I think Earth is a shit hole. You’d like where I’m from, it’s very nice there.”
“If it’s so nice, what are you doing here?” Dennis asked.
“Observation, collection, the usual. Don’t you watch television or the movies?” Kassabaum replied with a grin.
“Yeah I do, I suppose you’re going to whip off your face and show me some lizard under your mask.”
“I like you, you have a lot of spunk.”
“I’m trying to like you, but I have a hard time with anyone who thinks they have to chain me to a wall. Where is Cassidy, and the rest of the
passengers?”
“Cassidy is fine, she’s going through a psych eval.” Kassebaum looked at his watch. “No, she’s done by now, should be back in her room.”
“Does she know what’s going on?” “Not a clue, that’s what the eval is for.” “How about the others?”
“They are fine, just like you.” “What do you plan to do with us?”
“I’m not at liberty to say. That’s for the medical and scientific specialties, I’m security.”
“How long have you been security?” Dennis asked impatiently. “About twelve years now.”
“So you must have some clue as to what they have planned for us.” “Actually I know exactly what they have planned. I just don’t have the authority to tell you.”
Dennis paused for a moment and tried to read Kassebaum’s body language. He was hard to read behind the dark glasses, like playing poker with a seasoned player. “Should I be worried?” Dennis asked.
“You’re in chains, what do you think?” Kassebaum replied.
“So much for the benevolent alien theory,” Dennis said getting pissed. “Think of it this way, of all your fellow humans, how many get the
opportunity you do?”
“Opportunity for what? To be poked prodded and cut up?”
Kassebaum didn’t reply. It was as if Dennis had guessed to close and his guard didn’t want to give away the surprise. The guard stood still and it almost seemed like he was listening to something. He became detached to Dennis and for a moment, the silence was very awkward.
“Hello?” Dennis asked prodding Kassebaum to answer. Nothing. “I’m talking to you, you alien mother fucker.” Still nothing. If he had something to throw, he would but he had nothing but the clothes he wore onto the plane.
Then Kassebaum suddenly woke from his trance like state. “Did you say something?” he asked.
“Yeah you alien bastard, tell me what you’re going to do with me!”
Kassebaum backed out of the cell and signaled for the door to be shut. With a clank and a grind the door shut leaving Dennis behind, still chained to the wall. “You will have visitors soon enough to explain everything. I have to go.” With that said, Kassebaum turned and walked down the hall out of Dennis’s view leaving him there to worry and stew in his own thoughts.
It was three more hours before anyone came to the cell waking Dennis from his trance like state. Standing behind the bars were two men and a women dressed in white lab coats followed by two guards. The woman approached the cell door and spoke to Dennis. “How are you today? She asked with a fake smile.
“Shitty, and you?” Dennis replied. “Is this where you shove a probe up my ass?”
“Yes, have you been abducted before?” she asked looking at her clipboard. She didn’t give any indication she was joking.
“Are you seriously going to put a probe up my ass?”
“Yes, it is like a colonoscopy. It’s a very common procedure on Earth.” “What are you looking for up my ass?”
“It’s a routine health exam, we’re not looking for anything in particular.”
“Will I be awake when you do this exam?”
“Yes, but you will have anesthesia, I promise. We’re not some evil race of mutant aliens. We are just trying to learn as much as we can about your species.”
“How long have you been doing this? I mean, when did you first come to Earth?”
“I don’t know, maybe a thousand years ago.”
“And you’re still probing us? What the fuck? After a thousand years you should know something by now. Are you a bunch of fucking idiots?”
“Now, no need for such language. We have to constantly monitor the human species. You evolve so fast that we need to update our research and data bases on a regular basis.”
“Evolve? You mean you breed with us and change us to be more like you mother fuckers.”
“Breeding is impossible between you and us. We share nothing in common. No DNA, different reproductive system, different endocrine system, we are as much alike as you are with a rock.”
“You look way too human you liar. You have to be breeding with us.” “We look human because you think we look human. It’s all in how you perceive us.”
“I think I saw this in a Star Trek episode.” “Anyway, it’s time for your anal probe.”
The door slid open and the guards entered the room. With a click of a remote, the clasp on the ankle cuffs popped open and Dennis was free to move about.
“Follow me,” one of the guards said and escorted Dennis out of the cell followed by the other guard and the three in lab coats. They walked down the hall past other cells filled with the other passengers who were watching them through the bars. For some odd reason, no one spoke up, it was as if
everyone was scared to say anything and upset the guards. What had they done to them? Dennis thought to himself as he moved down the hall. Maybe they already had their anal probes and knew better than to rock the boat. In any case, Dennis knew to keep his mouth shut for now and see how this played out. Escape would always be on his mind, but until he knew what he was up against, he was the pawn of his alien overlords.
Ten minutes later Dennis was strapped to a table face down with his butt exposed. What he assumed was a technician or medical personnel, brought a snake like probe from the other room and sat it down on a table next to him. The probe had what looked like a camera on one end and squirmed like a snake on a sugar high.
“Why is that thing moving on its own?” Dennis asked scared to death. “It’s getting acclimatized to the room,” one of the medical people replied behind a mask.
“Is it alive?”
“What sort of cryptic shit is that?” Dennis asked trying to look over his
shoulder. The straps holding him down kept him from getting a good view. “Is it alive or not? Who’s running that thing?”
“It runs itself once it gets a feel for the subject and its surroundings.” “How does it know not to crawl up your ass?”
“We don’t have the same anatomy as humans, we don’t have an ass to crawl up."
Dennis, now more pissed than scared, tried to shuffle in his restraints and get loose. He knew it was pointless but what else was he going to do?
“How long till this starts? And are you going to warm it up? And where is my anesthesia?”
“The probe does all that on its own. It is coated in a special resin that provides complete pain relief and is set to your exact body temperature. We don’t want you going into shock.”
“Just get this over with,” Dennis said and almost on cue, the snake like machine began to squirm over to his table and head for his anus. “This is going to suck, can you knock me out or something? I don’t want to feel this.” “Do you feel anything now?” the alien asked.
“No,” Dennis replied annoyed.
“It’s already eighteen inches into your colon and you didn’t feel a thing. Don’t worry about it.”
“Really?” Dennis asked relieved. “Fuck, that wasn’t so bad.” “This isn’t our first time doing this,” the alien replied. “How long is it going to take?”
“Not long at all, unless we find something worth investigating.” “I had spaghetti for supper last night, I don’t think that’s very interesting, I got it out of a can.”
“We evacuated your bowels before we entered the probe. We don’t want our probe getting dirty and it makes viewing much easier.”
“When did you do that? Never mind, I don’t want to know.” Then a beep was emitted from a machine on the wall.
“Three and half,” the alien said to another who was typing on something.
“Three and a half what?” Dennis asked. “It’s technical.”
“Humor me,” Dennis replied.
“It has to do with the light on the probe, I don’t really want to get into a lengthy explanation. “
“I just want to make sure it wasn’t three and a half eggs that you planted inside me or some shit like that.”
“If we were going to plant eggs inside you, we wouldn’t put in a half an egg. That would be pointless.”
“No, that’s silly.”
“I think we have a different view on what’s silly. I think planting eggs in someone is very serious.”
“I agree, now shut up and let me finish my probe.”
Dennis laid his head the other direction and tried to think of something to get this anal probe off his mind. It was difficult knowing some half alive mechanical snake was looking around his intestines. “What are you going to do with me when this is all done? Are you going to let me go?”
“Depends,” the alien replied.
“Depends on what you stupid alien mother fucker? Speak in complete sentences!”
“Depends on what we find and if we will be able to re-introduce you into the wild.”
“The wild? You watch too much Wild Kingdom. I’m not some animal.” “Sure you are.”
“No I’m not.” “Sure you are.”
“No I’m not, what are we, twelve?”
“According to your own species, you are a mammal and a primate. Both of which are animals.”
“I’m human.”
“A human animal,” that alien replied cold.
“I’m not some bear you caught digging through the trash that you shot with a dart and took out in the woods. I’m a person with thoughts, a mind and a soul.”
“I’m not debating this with you, I said if we can, we will put you back into the wild. If not, we will chop you up and use you for plant food.”
Annoyed, Dennis asked, “And what would make me unsuitable for the wild?”
“Pissing me off for one thing,” the alien replied. “Are we about done yet?” Dennis asked.
“We were done a long time ago, the data is being processed.” “Where is the snake?”
“It’s back in the other room getting disinfected.” “Can you unstrap me from the table then?”
The alien paused and motioned for one of the technicians to do
something. Dennis could only see a little from the corner of his eye. Then his straps loosened and he was free to move about on the table. “Thank you,” he said stretching his muscles. Then he noticed his ass hurt. “What the fuck? My butthole hurts,” he said annoyed again. “You said this wouldn’t hurt.”
“I said the procedure wouldn’t hurt, I didn’t say there wasn’t going to be any residual pain after the procedure was done.”
“Do you see a pharmacy?” the alien replied, almost with a snicker. “After a thousand years of anal probing, you would think you’d stop at a Walgreens and pick up some Tylenol. What a bunch of stupid mother fuckers.”
“I am tired of your mouth, you need to shut up and cooperate if you ever want to leave here.”
“And you need to stop abducting humans and shoving anal probes up their asses. I’m not some cow you can steal and experiment as you please.”
“I beg to differ, you are as much of a cow to us as a cow is a cow to you.”
“That sounded about as stupid as I expected.” Dennis hopped off the table and stood up. His asshole hurt like hell and it was hard to walk. “Fuck that hurts.”
“The pain will go away,”
“No shit, I want it to go away now.”
“I would suggest laying down for a while once you get back to your cell. You don’t want to exacerbate the area and make it worse. You should be able to walk pain free in about twenty four hours.”
“Really? Thanks doc,” Dennis replied sardonically and took a swing at the alien. To his surprise, the alien didn’t bother to move and his punch landed like hitting a chocolate covered marshmallow. The aliens head caved in and left a creamy residue on Dennis’s hand and arm that was warm and mushy. The alien fell to the floor and bled some sort of goo in a puddle around the gaping wound. “What the hell?” Dennis said to himself.
The other aliens saw what happened and ran in fear. It was like they realized he knew their secret and better get the hell away before they got their jelly donut heads smashed in.