A good coach must want to coach the individual, and remain committed to the coaching relationship. They must maintain a supportive attitude towards the coachee, or consider withdrawing from the assignment.
At the beginning of the coaching relationship, this appears fairly easy. The coach is prob-ably thinking more about how to make the assignment successful, than whether they do or do not want to help the coachee with their situation. As time moves on, the coach may experience several different factors that encourage them to withdraw their support. That may or may not be something the coach is aware of. For example, simple fatigue with the coaching conversations and even the coachee themselves may creep in. Where the coach-ing process feels laboured, and is perhaps showcoach-ing little sign of progress, the coach might begin to withdraw their commitment, even without knowing it. For the coach, this may feel like a kind of resignation or boredom. It’s important that coaches are almost self-coaching in this instance. They must regularly evaluate where they are in their self-coaching relationships, and identify any negative thoughts or beliefs about these relationships.
If that sounds like analyzing analysis, it needn’t be. When I’m coaching, I like to have a couple of minutes’ preparation before the coachee arrives. In that time, I’ll read through my notes from previous sessions, reflecting on what the individual’s goals are, and remind myself how I’m contributing to that. It gets me into the mental mode of sup-porting the individual, regardless of how challenging the session might be.
Coaching from non-judgement
On a tougher note, the coach may decide that they do not actually like the person they are coaching very much! Remember, as humans, we have a natural tendency to judge
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others. We compare how someone else looks, thinks or acts, with how we do. We might approve or disapprove of other people because of their hair, clothes, appearance, the words they use, their tone of voice, etc.
What if a coach disapproves of the person they are coaching? What if they hear of behav-iour that they think is bad or wrong? A coach might hear of lying, cruelty, and infidelity – any of which might encourage them to judge the individual as ‘wrong’ in some way.
Let’s not debate whether any of those behaviours are ‘wrong’ or ‘right’. As a coach, any disapproval impairs the ability to facilitate the process of a coaching conversation. In addition, the coach’s disapproval usually communicates itself to the coachee – even if they don’t voice it directly.
For example, imagine that a coach is working with an individual who reminds them very strongly of a domineering ex-partner. This coachee says something like ‘You see, I have certain standards I will always live by’ and the coach remembers that’s exactly what their ex-partner used to say! Before long, the coach is comparing them to their ex-partner, and beginning to dislike them intensely.
The coach begins to have internal thoughts or dialogue about what the coachee is saying, e.g. ‘Ooh – that’s just what they used to do’ or, ‘you must be difficult to live with’. This inter-nal dialogue blocks your ability to listen fully, like trying to watch TV with the radio on.
Where we do not see someone objectively, with an open mind, we are less likely to begin to understand them. This lack of understanding has a direct impact on our ability to relate to the individual, and how things are for them. At the same time, we’ve dimin-ished rapport, and so reduced our ability to influence the other person.
The other person is likely to sense the coach’s disapproval of them, possibly from facial expression, tonality, gestures or simply the phrases the coach is using, e.g. ‘So why did you do that?’ As the coachee recognizes disapproval, they become more guarded in their responses.
Once a coach starts to see the coachee as ‘flawed’ in some way, they begin to adopt the role of ‘fixer’. Again, the coachee is likely to sense this, and perhaps feel defensive or uncomfortable.
Where a coach’s ability to relate to and understand someone is key to their success, judgement becomes a real stumbling block. Instead the coach must work at simply observing the coachee objectively – without judgement. When a coach maintains a more neutral, open posture, they can gather much clearer information and so gain more rele-vant insights into the situation. A coach’s own thoughts will be clearer, and they may even feel calmer, as they gradually begin to appreciate how it is for the person they’re coaching. They aren’t thinking things they can’t voice, and generally their mind remains quieter during the conversation.
A coach’s role is not to judge or disapprove of the way your coachee treats other people, or indeed how they live their life.
A coach’s role is simply to make clear links between the behaviours the individual is generating, and the results they are getting. For example, the coachee might have aspirations of promotion at work, and knows the reason this isn’t happening is strongly linked to the lack of support he is getting from his peer group. He discusses several confrontations with these colleagues, and describes cruel things he’s said, to ‘get back at’ or hurt people.
It’s a very simple link for the coach to make between the person’s goals and his current behaviour. However, if the coach spends energy on convincing the coachee that his behav-iour towards others is ‘wrong’ in some way, the individual may easily reject the suggestion.
Far more straightforward and motivating for the individual is to highlight the fact that his behaviour simply doesn’t work and has a direct impact on his goals. We then have the opportunity to discuss more positive behaviours that will benefit him, and his colleagues.
What does non-judgement feel like for a coach?
Well, put simply, to be in non-judgement feels like nothing, because there’s nothing going on! The coach is not having internal dialogue along the lines of ‘that’s awful, cruel, dumb etc.’. The coach is not frowning with disapproval, shaking their head or making little ‘tutting’
noises. Instead, they are really listening and staying with the flow of the conversation.
Hopefully, judgement is replaced by a pervading sense of curiosity, towards what is being said and what the individual is experiencing. The coach’s overriding sense of purpose is
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A coach’s role is not to judge or disapprove of the way your coachee treats other people, or indeed how they live their life.
to seek to understand what’s really happening, and what’s relevant or important about that, given the goals of the coachee.
How do we let go of judgement?
Unless you’ve spent years gaining the enlightenment of a Buddhist master, I think you’re going to have to accept a lifelong journey with this one. You will judge others, but the trick is to notice that you’re doing that, and give it up whenever you catch yourself doing so.
The following exercise will help you practise.
Coach’s toolkit Meditation for non-judgement
What is this? ➡ A way of practising letting go of judgements we make about others and allowing our minds to clear.
When would I use it? ➡ Whenever you can observe someone else. For example:
– Someone making a speech or presentation.
– Someone who’s talking to someone else.
– Someone involved in a group discussion, e.g. a business meeting.
Why would I do this? – To develop a more objective view of someone else’s situation.
– To help you relate to someone else more closely, e.g. when coaching someone else.
– To create a stiller, clearer mind when listening.
Stage one – become aware
1 Find someone who’s appropriate for you to observe. You should be in the same room or setting as they are, and be able to see and hear them clearly. Ideally, you should be able to observe them without being interrupted, e.g. by having to speak or join a discussion.
Have a notepad and pen ready in case you feel like taking notes.
2 Remain relaxed and focused. Let your breathing be steady, and your posture relaxed yet upright. Begin to watch or take notice of the other person.
3 As you watch the person you’re studying, begin to notice your own thoughts. What are you thinking or saying to yourself? Just notice, that’s all, e.g:
➡ I agree/ disagree?
➡ I like/don’t like?
➡ I’ve heard this before.
➡ He/she reminds me of . . . .
Notice your own thoughts with detachment, almost as if they weren’t yours, as though you are observing yourself observing.
Stage two – let go of your own thoughts
4 As you notice your thoughts, let them go. Acknowledge a thought, then let it pass. Like something floating past you on a stream, allow it to be there, then let it go again. If it helps, write down any thoughts as you notice them and then allow them to pass.
Stage three – use intention to guide your attention
5 Use one or two of the following to guide and refocus your thoughts:
➡ What is this person saying?
➡ How does this person feel about this?
➡ What is this person committed to?
Toolkit Summary Mediation for non-judgement
This exercise isn’t easy! – However the potential benefits are worth the effort. If you’re finding it difficult to do steps one to three all in one go, perhaps just do the first one for a while. When that becomes easier, add the second step. Finally, when you’ve mastered steps one and two, then add step three.
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c oaching principl es
The key is to develop an awareness and detachment of our own thoughts and judgements. It’s called a meditation because it follows the simple principles of basic meditations, i.e. observing our own thoughts and allowing them to pass. Another way of developing this detachment would be to simply practise meditation.
Once we allow ourselves to detach from our own thoughts or judgements about another person, we can stop those thoughts getting in the way of something else we want to do, e.g. listening to the client.