Not Different but Definitely Not the Same

Jane’s story is one that highlights individual differences and characteristics as well as adoption. Jane talks about adoption and the need for schools to understand and take into account early experiences. However, she does not feel that this applies to her children as any early life trauma was limited. Jane indicates that this places them in a position in which their children do not need anything different to their peers:

“. . . they haven’t got attachment issues. It makes a massive difference. I think we were really lucky, they were removed at birth, they had a really strong attachment to their foster carers . . .” (Line 100 to 102)

However, Jane believes that attachment and trauma is not just relevant to adopted children “. . . I think it’s about so many kids that I just think it’s about making it as normal as you know about autism. . . Changing the ethos of the school accordingly.”

(Line 486 to 488)

When talking about her experiences of her children’s education, Jane refers to their characteristics, individual differences and interests. She gives a sense that it is this that should be appreciated, considered and understood rather than them being

adopted, “It’s not about making allowances for them or anything like that it’s just their history and part of who they are.” (Line 581) In this quote, Jane implies that being adopted is important as it is part of who they are but for her children it does not distinguish them from their peers. “They go into school no worse or no better than other kids that aren’t adopted who are wailing and gnashing teeth far more than my two are.” (Line 402 to 404)

However, Jane recognises that it could be a very different story if her son did not behave as well as he does in school:

“. . . if *son* behaves in school in the way he behaves at home we’d be having massive issues in school. . . he would have been excluded, because I think the tolerance in nice middle-class schools for tricky behaviour is low.” (Line 460 to 463)

Jane explains that having a greater choice of educational placement means that if this situation did arise, she would have the advantage of moving him.

“I think being able to choose, that is very important, and who knows when they get to secondary school, that will become more important to have that choice.” (Line 481 to 483)

Jane positions herself in her stories as being secure in her knowledge of her children and those subjects that are associated with adoption such as trauma and attachment.

“I said it’s fine for me and *husband* because we are sound enough in our clinical opinions, and know enough about it to know that’s not the case, but for another adoptive parent that could send them over the edge.” (Line 215 to 217)

Jane recognises that her experiences may be different to that of other adoptive parents. Using the term ‘clinical opinions’ suggests that this difference relates to professional knowledge and experience. In doing so, Jane implies that they may be in a different position to other adoptive parents. However, Jane also talks about acquiring knowledge:

“. . . you often end up being better informed than the professionals because it’s motivating to you . . . to read background stuff and to read this, and that says that so deal with it. . .” (Line 455 to 458)

Jane concluded her story about ‘Not Different, but Definitely Not the Same’ by explaining, “I mean I worry about education and the stresses it puts on kids but not in terms of adoption. What will be, will be, wont it.” (Line 603 to 604)

Summary of Jane’s Story

For Jane, having staff in school that understand her and her children is important. In understanding, Jane describes situations where staff ‘get’ her and other parents and in doing so, she perceives them to manage parents well. However, where there is no understanding or empathy Jane talks of a situation where her needs are not met and the expectations, she holds for her children are not aligned with school

expectations. However, it is the management and communication of expectations that affects her perception of the teacher and their relationship. Throughout Jane’s narrative, she talks of a need for school staff to be trained and have an understanding of trauma and attachment but not specifically in relation to adopted children. Jane feels lucky that her children’s early experiences are limited to in utero and a result do not need anything different to that of their peers. However, she does recognise that other adopted children may need something additional to and different from other children.

5:3 Kevin’s Story

I met with Kevin at his home in a suburban area in the North West of England. We sat at the table in his kitchen while he shared his experiences of adoption and his children’s schooling through the narrative co-constructed during our conversation.

Kevin is father to two boys, birth siblings, who he adopted with his partner 5 years ago. At the time of the interview their eldest son was in Year 4 at a residential special school for children with severe social, emotional and mental health difficulties. While their youngest was in Year 2 at the local mainstream primary school. Kevin and his partner both work in the business sector.

After clarifying the ages of his children and when they adopted them, Kevin took the lead and commenced the interview with “Do you want me to tell you our story?”

He set the scene:

“. . . they had very different lives, very different kind of backgrounds . . . the older child . . . had witnessed extreme trauma . . . has got real attachment issues. The younger child was removed at 4 days old from his birth mum and was only with one set of foster carers. The older child was with lots of different foster carers with different standards of foster care . . .” (Line 3 to 7)

Kevin spoke of the journey they had been on initiated by the ill-informed social workers who assured Kevin and his partner that the boys “. . . didn’t have any

attachment issues or behavioural issues. . .” (Line 9) and specifically in relation to their eldest son “. . . he won’t remember the things that have happened to him.”

(Line 16) Kevin reflected “. . . we felt quite naïve because we kind of took the social workers on face value. . .some of the things they’ve said now has made us quite cross. . . it’s just massively ignorant. . .” (Line 14 to 15)

Almost to justify his point and emphasise the polarity of the social worker’s words compared with their experience, Kevin added:

“. . . he’s just had an assessment actually where basically the gist of it was, he has very strong disorganised attachment disorder. There’s extensive trauma and in effective he’s kind of frozen . . . just before two years old where he witnessed a lot of very extreme things and suffered extreme neglect. . .we found it very challenging at home. . . dealing with temper tantrums. . . very, very controlling behaviour” (Line 10 to 14; 18 to 19)

Kevin’s eldest son attended a mainstream primary school where the challenges they faced at home did not present at school until Year 1.

My interpretation of the remaining narrative highlighted three main themes that featured in Kevin’s reconstruction of his experiences. A full thematic map of the three main themes and associated subthemes is detailed in Figure 3. Each main theme is then explored and presented in the subsequent subsections.

Figure 5:3: Full Thematic Map: Kevin