Power of disclosure

Being a part of a childless group or having good relationships with other people in society has given participants a place to belong where they can talk about their experiences. As we have witnessed so far, talking has helped as a way of affirmation.

Self-affirmation is an important process, and several participants explicitly

demonstrated its effectiveness and influence. However, the effectiveness of talking appears also to develop as participants become more aware of themselves and are able to integrate into their social world. This means, rather than just talking, participants have started to choose to disclose their experiences. There are qualitative and

therapeutic differences between talking and disclosure. Many of the participants show this, but in different ways.

One aspect of self-disclosure that has emerged is a way of making bonds. Mutual understanding between people creates bonds. In particular, when one’s emotional burden is understood by others, this reflects back to the person who has disclosed that burden, which delivers mutuality. So, this is an important process linking the self and the others and creating sharedness.

Penny discloses her ‘grief’:

my grief that’s been so private, I need to try and…that’s one of the reasons I’m here talking about it now…cos it gives me a chance. I hope I’m not overloading you [Int: No...]…but in a way I…I’m trying to share my grief… (20.23-27)

Here, Penny depicts her strong sense of wanting to express her grief to someone who can ‘share’. The opportunity to disclose is grounded in her intentionality to take part in the interview. It seems that a ‘chance’ to make bonds is a chance to validate her

sadness; a sense that she is entitled to grieve.

Disclosure breaks the silence over one’s hidden emotions. Heather describes speaking to her sister-in-law who recently passed away:

when I...I told her she…she didn’t realise I’d always wanted kids. Anyway, thank God I told her. I really wanted her to know that you know. I’m glad to share that with her. She was so lovely about it. She sent me a wee message. And she said in her little text message [tearful] [suddenly very emotional] she said “I’m really proud of you, Heather”…[tearful] you know…that…that’s the only...I had [tearful] you know. Cos, obviously we’ve just lost her…She did say that…it was really sweet of her. She said “I’m really proud of you, Heather”. You know [tearful] I thought that was really nice…after everything I’d been through, cos I’d told her about the IVF and…you know…that was really lovely of her to say that. (23.30-45)

Heather’s desperation for understanding and acknowledgement of her emotional struggles appear here. Disclosure has given voice to her emotional suffering and she now gained a strong sense of recognition and acceptance from her sister-in-law. This is represented in Heather’s repeated use of her sister-in-law’s phrase ‘I’m really proud of you’. The importance of sharedness lies through two-way interactions of ‘talking’,

‘listening’ and ‘being a supportive’ person (Lucy, 12.3-6).

Disclosing one’s sensitive experiences to others often needs caution. As Kelly speaks:

…choose to talk to people…that I…I…sort of fully trust. Erm…and actually trust with my…they would…be…sort of empathetic to the situation...erm. And also kind of not…yeah…sort of either not pity but not judge…and you know…actually we still have the same relationship afterwards… (13.20-26)

Kelly’s account illustrates a negative influence that self-disclosure might cause. She

‘choose[s] to talk’, implying that she believes disclosing her experience will help her gain empathy, kindness, and respect from the person to whom she talks. However, notice that Kelly states: ‘we will have the same relationships afterwards’, which suggests she is looking for long lasting relationships with people she can ‘fully trust’.

Note here that disclosure appears as a causal factor that reflects back to the self.

However, for some participants, disclosure seemed to be about directing their

experiences towards others as, for example, a way of raising social awareness. Maggie and Susie in particular show their willingness to ‘talk about’ themselves ‘openly’ in this regard.

I’m you know quite happy to talk about my life now…erm…to help, because it helps to raise awareness about the situation… (Maggie, 18.42-46)

I’ve decided that in my next job, I’m gonna be totally open, and see what happens. I’m gonna tell them about my fertility treatments, I’m gonna tell them about how we live, that we’ve got no children, but I wanted them. And I’m just gonna see…how people react, because I’ve never done it before…

(Susie, 2.25-38)

Importantly, what is clearly illustrated here is the participants’ perceptions of

childlessness, which have shifted from intrapersonal to interpersonal. Both Maggie and Susie choose to disclose their experiences, because childlessness is not frequently spoken about in society. The participants aim to bring childlessness to people’s attention through a recognition of personal experiences as well as ‘how we live’ a life without children.

Social awareness of childlessness often draws out other childless people. Renee’s disclosure is grounded in ‘produc[ing]’ support for those who are childless:

I was scouring the Internet, [ ] I found [name of support group] erm…and that was about the first source of support that I’d come across. I found…it

was…really helpful to have somebody that had been through the process. [ ] I suppose I’m hoping that by taking part in this [research], that this may produce some information that will be helpful for other people. (20.44/21.6)

As with Maggie and Susie, Renee demonstrated disclosure to ‘other people’, but more intentionally towards childless individuals. Her own concealed experience of

childlessness becomes a source of engagement in a social world, as a means of enhancing support for involuntarily childless people in society.