Unshared normative social values

People live their lives as a part of society, where sharedness plays an important role.

Generally, sharedness is imposed upon socially constructed values, which draw on, for example, family-oriented social systems or age-related social expectations as

addressed in Chapter 2.2. For people living without children in such a normative world, difficulties exist in sharing values with others who do have children.

Emily is one of participants who found this hard. She raises the concern of being

‘label[led]’ by society:

Erm…where it becomes much more painful is that when I sense people pass judgement. Because… you don’t have children, therefore, you cannot possibly have an opinion about…whatever subject it is. Or, your opinion doesn’t weigh as much as mine, because…I’m a parent…Or, erm my needs are bigger than yours, because I’m a parent. Or…erm…um you…you know…you don’t know what it’s

like to…erm… you know worry about a child. Well, no, but I do worry about others. Or, when I sense that people do label you as…selfish. (6.13-23)

Within social norms, being a parent enables those with children to share common social values that usually have an involvement in developing everyday life, including ways of thinking, judging and understanding. The absence of children lessens this sharedness. At the same time, as with the participants, who are not able to be part of this normative life course, it is difficult to adopt such social values in their childless lives.

The dilemma Emily feels appears in the above passage. Although Emily has no experience of ‘worry[ing] about a child’, she does ‘worry for others’. She seems to try to justify her values by pointing to the role of caring. She understands that she cannot share social values around caring for children through a parental role, but she strongly feels a sense of injustice against the ways other people with children see her as

‘selfish’. She is living with this sense of unshared value.

Penny, similarly, speaks about other people’s views towards her:

I think am I might gonna be constantly infantis…you know infantilised by society. And kept as a child woman. Is that ho…wa…wa…you know, because I haven’t had children an am I never fully a woman? You know, a mature woman?

Am I…am I viewed as not having properly grown up somehow… (25.31-34)

Penny is concerned that her identity is ‘constantly’ misjudged. She worries about being categorised as an ‘infantilised’ person and viewed as an incomplete being in the

normative world. Here, Penny seems to depict two ways to construct self-identity. One is ‘by society’ through social judgement on herself. The other is the self as a causal factor ‘because I haven’t had children’. These appear as a form of self-questioning that points to Penny’s attempt in justifying self values against social values around

childlessness.

Alana has started to pursue her new career writing children’s books. She encounters a similar situation, but within her close relationships:

I sometimes wonder that…my friends and family don’t feel that it’s…erm…I’m a suitable candidate to be writing children’s books, because I don’t have my own children, but I thi...I think that’s…rubbish. (3.40-43)

Embarking on work that is associated with children is enjoyable but also challenging for Alana. Nevertheless, it is the career that she wants to do and ‘writing children’s books’ itself has value for her. But this is not recognised by other people, meaning she finds unshared values in her relationships with her ‘friends and family’. She feels

‘rubbish’ as a result of their misconceptions, which violate her self-value, resulting in her great disappointment.

Childlessness tends to be ‘viewed’ and labeled categorically under social value systems. Three participants, Emily, Penny and Alana in particular, have addressed their concerns over socially constructed values that have a negative influence on defining who they are.

There are also concerns about social recognitions towards childless people. Heather, for example, worries what other people think about her and speculates that she is ‘a bit [of a] strange’ person (12.46-47). Similarly, Lucy feels that other people may say such things as ‘you’re not contributing to the world’ (18.41), because she did not have children. The expectations that society impose on participants appear to influence ways in which individuals make sense of themselves and their lives.

Alana questions her ‘usefulness’ to society:

I…I definitely think yeah part of not…having children…has erm…[sighs] forces you to question your usefulness…I think…what contribution you’re making to the society and so for me…it always...it’s like it almost ticks that box, I can give something back and I feel…that I’m not… (10.16-22)

Alana’s beliefs in finding ‘usefulness’ to society appear to be through childrearing.

There is a sense of a lack of generative features in her life that could be an underlying perception of her getting involved in and making contributions to society.

Childlessness, therefore, ‘forces’ her to answer the question of what she can ‘give back’ to meet social expectations.

These normative social expectations are, in a way, mutually constructed. There is a social morality in everyday life. Constructing common perceptions in society is also influenced by the media. Emily, who is 50 years old, describes how the media has further influenced age-related images that place on her ‘an awful lot of pressure to conform’:

I think we’re under a lot of pressure these days. You’re constantly bombarded by the media...about, erm, you know, if you’re 30, this is what you should have done and this is how you should look. Erm…and if you’re 40, this is what you should have done and how you should look. And if you’re 50, this is what you…[little laugh] and so on and on and on. Erm…and erm you can’t open a newspaper or a magazine, or it’s all there, you know. Erm…‘50 things you should be doing now you’re 50’, you know. So erm it’s…it’s er…there’s an awful lot of pressure to conform. (10.39-11.1)

Age-related expectations have become problematic in that individuality is governed by socially constructed expectations. Emily is living ‘under a lot of pressure’, suggesting difficulties in her ability to attune to her social world.

Women in their midlife living without children can be seen as a deviation from the norm. Being in this situation, social expectations are generally mediated upon or around a life with children and families. When childless individuals compare

themselves with others, a salient sense of deviation from the normative world appears.

Renee makes comparisons with people in general:

I think there’s more people talking about it, and I think people are becoming more aware, but it’s still almost a taboo subject. (21.48-49)

In contrast, Maggie compares herself to parents:

my sister-in-law...really struggled with her children her husband’s not very supportive and we and erm…and that was quite helpful, actually…erm for us…

seeing that it’s not always great to have children…[ ] Erm, and life’s been a real battle for her…and that’s quite...I was gonna say, that’s quite good, it’s good to see that, you know, because do tend to think that parenthood is a rosy picture, whereas it’s quite nice to see that it isn’t…sometimes. (21.6-16)

Both Renee and Maggie have tried to position themselves in the world through social comparisons. Renee appears to agree that her childless situation is deviating from norms, and her perception of childlessness mirrors as ‘a taboo subject’ in society.

Here, it could be inferred from her comment that childless women have fewer social expectations placed on them. Maggie’s account, which has similarities to Renee’s, shows her understanding that her life differs from the normative life course. However, she presents a rather positive sense of self by defining her childless identity as ‘us’. At the same time, defensiveness emerges against socially constructed expectations that

‘parenthood is a rosy picture’. This could be her way of protecting her dignity against a sense of deviation from norms, which is illustrated through downward comparisons.