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o once you’ve built up all this attraction, what do you do with it?She’s smiling and enjoying your company. You’ve been flirting, touching, and having a great time, but if you don’t know where to go next, all that attraction you just built will fizzle out. Her eyes will start wandering, her responses will get shorter, and eventually the fun vibe you worked so hard to capture will die out. She’ll say it was real nice meeting you and leave. Or make an excuse: “I have to go to the bathroom, be right back.” Ten minutes later, you see her across the room, laughing with some other guy.
Any of this sounding familiar?
In order to prevent this from happening, you need to know how (and when) to pull the trigger and shift phases from attraction to rapport and seduction. You’ll dial down the silliness and flirting and show her that you have a deeper side to your personality. You’ll stop acting so much like a fun little boy and start to act like a friend, and eventually, a man.
This is the final stage of attraction. We’ve talked about all the other stages: getting ready, walking in, warming up, and meeting women.
The final one is pulling the trigger. You want to shift the interaction into rapport, typically some place where the two of you can be alone.
At nighttime, your goal is to isolate; to get her away from the crowd where you can connect with each other on a deeper level. This is after you’ve already created attraction and everything is going positively.
During the day, you want to take her on an instant date; somewhere you can sit down and go into rapport. I’ve broken each of those down into several steps, but in both cases, the first thing you need to do is to qualify her.
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Qualifying
If you don’t understand qualification you are missing out on something huge. Most guys think that once they have a girl laughing and enjoying their company, they’re home free. This is why most guys suck at this.
If you’ve ever had a girl you thought was totally into you, laughing at your jokes and giving you tons of positive body language, leaning in, touching, etc… and at some point the attraction fizzled out, she got awkward, and “went to the bathroom,” it’s probably because you didn’t qualify her.
Qualification is the glue that makes attraction stick. It takes all the attraction you just built and solidifies it; keeps it from falling apart.
And it is the number one thing guys don’t understand about talking to women.
Remember the cat/dog analogy. Cats want a chase; they want what isn’t easy to have. You have positioned yourself as the prize, and in order for the attraction to stick, she needs to feel like she’s winning you over.
You do this by qualifying. This means showing her that she has made an impression on you in some way and that you like her because of that.
Specifically, that you like her for something unique; not just the fact that she’s hot, which is what everyone likes her for. You’ve already gone through some joking around and bantering and now you want her to chase you a little bit.
You want her to invest.
There are a few different ways to do this, all of which are covered in the Tao of Badass in greater detail, so I’ll just breeze over them here. The simplest way is to recognize when a woman starts naturally qualifying herself to you. This is when she starts to sell herself to you, usually by throwing in non-sequiturs that seem like bragging. She’s trying to impress you with something about herself. Most guys find this a huge turnoff, but it’s actually a very good thing. Women only naturally qualify themselves to guys they really, really want to win over. She’s basically trying to find a reason for you to like her; a reason that she can accept.
Usually, this is a reason other than her looks. Maybe she needs you to
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think that she’s intelligent. That’s the thing she feels is most valuable about herself. Whenever you notice that a woman is qualifying herself to you, accept her for whatever quality she is trying to impress you with.
All you have to say is “that’s really cool, I like that.”
If she doesn’t qualify herself naturally, you want to find a reason to qualify; a reason to accept her. One way is called the questions qualifier.
The questions qualifier is a question to the effect of, “What are your three most positive dominant qualities?” This is interesting because she will respond by telling you the three things that she wants you to like about her. She will think to herself, “What could I say right now that will make this guy like me?” and then rattle off three qualities about herself.
If you just accept those three things, you’ve qualified her.
Another way to qualify is called the self-fulfilling prophecy qualifier.
You will state a quality that you want her to have, as if you assume she already has it. To give you an example, you might say to her, “I don’t know if other people say this to your or not, or if you’ve heard this before, but I get a feeling when I’m around you that you’re really open, and that makes me feel really comfortable. Like you’re open to trying new things, you’re open to having new conversation. I feel really comfortable, and to me, that’s really rare and I really appreciate it a lot.
It makes me feel happy.”
You’re essentially stating something that you hope is true about her or that you want to be true about her and then accepting her for that thing. This invokes the power of consistency, which is a pretty powerful psychological trigger. Just by accepting your statement, a person will now feel compelled to act in that way around you. They will need to act in a way that’s consistent with the quality they just agreed they have.
If I said, “I really like being around you because you’re so in control and you take charge so much,” even if you don’t really believe that about yourself, you’re going to act that way when you’re around me. That’s what you’ll want to do. When you tell a woman that you feel comfortable because she’s so open all the time to trying new things, she will start to assume those qualities. This is a more advanced qualifying process.
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Nighttime - Isolation The Frustration
Once you’ve qualified a girl, you don’t need to spend any more time bantering and flirting; you need to isolate her. “The Frustration” is the best way I know to start doing this. When you’re trying to get a girl to go somewhere else and be alone with you, you need to have a reason why. You can usually have one of a few different reasons why you want to move with her, and they are:
1. You can’t hear her.
2. It’s too crowded/there’s too much going on.
3. You’re tired of standing up.
Those are the three most common frustrations you’ll have. You just need plausible deniability. You need a reason to get her away from everyone else to be alone. It doesn’t have to be a very good reason; it’s just a reason that kind of makes sense, enough for her to say okay and do it.
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The delivery of this frustration is very important. You have to be expressive with your face during this process. As she’s talking to you, after you’ve qualified and you’re having a conversation, you want to furrow your brow and to point to your ear. That’s the universal expression for “I can’t hear you.”
When it’s loud, a lot of guys will lean over to talk to girls. This is called
“pecking” and you should never do it. Instead, stand up straight and make her come to your ear. Then say, “I can’t hear anything you’re saying. Let’s go over here.”
If you want to communicate “There are too many people” or “There’s too much going on,” you’re going to have a completely different kind of expression. That frustration is communicated with your eyebrows up, eyes kind of wide, and hands up, like “Whoa, there’s way too much stuff going on.” This also comes across when you fall back on your heels a little. You are communicating a sense of overwhelm. Then you say,
“There’s way too much stuff happening. We need to go over here.”
If it isn’t too crowded, this might not work. And if there isn’t a lot of noise, saying, “I can’t hear you” might not work. Then again, it still might. The truth is that most women don’t really care. She just needs a reason to go somewhere with you. She already likes you. You’ve already qualified her and solidified the attraction. She wants to hang out with you one-on-one. But she’s not going to make the move. That’s your job.
Another good reason to express frustration is that you’re tired of standing up. This is physical. You inhale, and then furrow your brow while you’re inhaling. Then, on the exhale, you want to drop all your body language down to an almost slouching position. You’re essentially saying “I’m tired. Let’s go sit down.” This is a completely non-verbal sentence. You don’t have to say anything. You can just exhale, and she’ll get it.
The Journey
In this process it is very, very important… that you don’t stop believing.
It’s also important to use one particular technique called “cave-manning.”
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anything you’re saying, let’s go over here,” and as you say, “Let’s go over here,” you’re going to take her by the hand, and you’re just going to walk.
You’re not going to ask, “Do you want to go over here? Do you want to sit down? Is it okay if you go over here? Do you want to go in front of me? Is it okay if I hold your hand?” None of that stuff. You’re going to take her by the hand and lead her to where you want her to go. Assume that she’ll follow you, and she will. This is the modern-day version of clocking her on the head with a club and then dragging her by the hair back to your cave.
Disclaimer: I do not condone clubbing a girl on the head and dragging her around by the hair. Unless she tells you she’s into that kind of thing…
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The Setup
When you get to the end of the journey, you want to find a place to sit down, if possible. Sitting down is much more conducive to building rapport than standing up. Find a couch or some chairs to sit down with her. Move things around if necessary. Take the lead on this because you want to set this up in a specific way. It’s ideal to sit down next to each other, at an angle. You want your knees to touch.
The closer you can get, physically, with the girl you’re sitting with during rapport, the better. The biggest mistake I see guys make in rapport is that they sit down across from the girl instead of sitting next to the girl.
This leads to an awkward, “this is a proper dinner date” sort of vibe and makes it very hard to touch her in the ways you want to be touching her.
And when you go into a rapport with a girl without touching her at all, you will usually wind up in the friend zone.
You also don’t want to sit directly next to her because that presents another set of problems. From that position, if you want to give her
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positive body language and face her more, what do you have to do?
You have to put your knees really close together and twist your torso toward her. This is not only awkward and uncomfortable, but anytime your knees are really close, you are in a submissive sitting position. So you’re left with either turning toward her and appearing submissive, or sitting normally and not giving her enough positive body language. And in rapport, you’re going to start giving lots of positive body language, and physically escalating to a more sexual level.
Escalating touch during rapport is very, very, very important. You’re going to escalate your touch according to what I call TLC: temporary, lingering, constant; in that order.
In the beginning, you’ll have temporary touching, which lasts one to three seconds before taking your hand off. Lingering touch will last between three to seven seconds, and constant touch means moving your hand from one place to another without taking it off at all. If you don’t want to risk ending up in the friend zone with a girl you really like (which is a problem I hear from guys literally every day) you should start this process of physical escalation from the very first second you meet a girl.
Now, if you can’t sit down with a girl to build rapport, you want to “lock in” against a wall somewhere. This is similar to the castling move I described earlier, where you end up leaning back in the power position.
But this time, instead of spinning her and switching places, you’re just going to walk straight at the wall and lean back against it. You’ve got her by the hand the entire time, and when you lean back, you pull her in close to you. You take her hand and put it behind your back, so she’s wrapped around you as you’re talking. This is very intimate and it’s going to push the two of you over the edge and help rapport go very, very smoothly. It will also help you transition into seduction very easily.
Rapport and Beyond
After the setup, the phase of attraction is complete and you’ll go into the next phases of interaction: rapport, seduction, and relationship
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balance. Now the real work starts. In rapport, you have to know exactly how to access different parts of your brain to bring out certain emotions that she can connect with. You also have to know how to take one of those emotions and connect it to another one; take one topic and relate it to another one that can elicit the emotions you want to get from her.
When you get good at rapport, you can start by talking about eggs and end up talking about dirty sex. I would love to talk about how to do this, but unfortunately, it’s outside the scope of this book. I do go into rapport in great detail in The Tao of Badass.
Daytime – Instant Dates
During the daytime, pulling the trigger is going to be all about creating an instant date. Keep in mind that you’re pattern-interrupting as a major way of getting her out of her head and into the moment with you; to sort of wake up and get on board with your flirtation and attraction. To pull the trigger and solidify that attraction, you have to play off of that concept.
The Inspiration
After you qualify her, you want to suddenly become inspired by what’s happening between the two of you. You’ll be in the middle of a conversation, and you will realize for the first time what you’re doing. You’re talking to her, everything is going great, she’s laughing and smiling, and you say “You know what? This is awesome.” This is called a “statement of what’s so.” You call out exactly what’s happening in the moment when it’s happening. Just call it right out.
You might use a statement of what’s so to get her inside of your head, as in “I can’t believe that I’m standing here talking to you. I just met you, and I’ve been talking with you for 20 minutes on the street. This is amazing. This never happens to me. I’m just walking to the store to get something to eat, and I ran into you. This is amazing.” That’s the inspiration.
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If you don’t call that out, she won’t really recognize that this moment is different because you probably made her feel very comfortable in the first place and she’s not even thinking about it. She’s just enjoying the process.
You have to all of a sudden pull it back and show her that this is not really normal. It doesn’t really happen. But it just did, and it’s amazing.
The Relocation
After you make that statement of what’s-so, you want to relocate to somewhere more conducive to rapport. You are going to have an idea, all of a sudden, to go somewhere else with her immediately and continue this.
Here’s how you want to present this: “You know what? I have a crazy
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different than grab a cup of coffee “real quick.” The “real quick” part is there to overcome objections.
She’s going to want to come with you, but she’ll think “Where was I going? Should I go with him? Am I going to be late for something?”
She’ll be thinking all these logical thoughts. You want this to feel very spontaneous, not logical or thought-out ahead of time. And you don’t want her to come up with logical reasons not to go, so you have to handle those objections ahead of time. Why let her talk herself out of having a great time with you?
The Conversation
As soon as you get to where you’re going, order your drink and sit down, and get her phone number immediately. Say, “Before I forget, go ahead and put your number in my phone.” That’s all you have to do. Keep in mind, if you’ve qualified her properly and she came to sit down with you, she’s already basically said, “I like you,” so of course she’ll give you her
As soon as you get to where you’re going, order your drink and sit down, and get her phone number immediately. Say, “Before I forget, go ahead and put your number in my phone.” That’s all you have to do. Keep in mind, if you’ve qualified her properly and she came to sit down with you, she’s already basically said, “I like you,” so of course she’ll give you her