WHAT TO SAY
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WHAT TO SAY
WHAT TO SAY
Table of Contents
1. Introduction ... 1
2. Getting Ready ... 8
3. Walking In ... 21
4. Eye Contact and Body Language ... 34
5. Running the Room ... 43
6. Meeting Women at Night, One Girl ... 54
7. Meeting Women at Night, Two Girls ... 68
8. Meeting Women at Night, Group Dynamics ... 88
9. Meeting Women During the Day ...106
10. What to Say When ...123
11. Pulling the Trigger ...131
WHAT TO SAY
WHAT TO SAY
1. Introduction
T
here is something you are doing every day that turns off every hot woman you meet. It has nothing to do with what you wear or what you look like. It has nothing to do with how much money you make or how many friends you have. It is something that women notice about you in a split-second, and that they instantly judge you on.You are hesitating.
Plain and simple, you are not dating the girl of your dreams because you are hesitating every time you see her, and hesitation murders attraction. Imagine, for a moment, the girl of your dreams… your perfect ten. If you’re like 99% of the male population, this will be a girl that makes you a little nervous; the one that turns you on and gives you butterflies, because on some level you see her as being “out of your league.” Maybe you know her already. Maybe she’s the one that got away, or maybe you met her through friends. Maybe you hang out with her a lot, and you’ve been waiting for it to feel like the “right time” to make a move. Maybe you don’t actually know her, but you see her around and you wish you were the guy she was sleeping with. You know… that girl.
If you saw that girl walk by in the next five minutes, would you walk right up to her? Could you approach her, with zero hesitation, and know exactly what to say to get her attention and make her want you?
Be honest.
Imagine a time you might see that girl. Maybe you’re out on a Friday night with your friends and she’s on the dance floor in a circle of her girlfriends, all of them looking untouchably hot. Maybe she’s standing at the bar ordering drinks and not paying attention or sitting across the room shooting you little glances every now and then. Hell, you might
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see that girl tomorrow buying produce at the grocery store or standing in line ordering her morning latte on your way to work.
Maybe you “man up” and approach her, maybe you don’t. Maybe you come across super confident and charming, maybe you feel anxious and don’t know what to say. Maybe she loves talking to you, or maybe she feels weird five minutes in and excuses herself to “go to the bathroom.” The point is, wherever and whenever you see that girl, think about what you would do in that moment. Because that’s really all you get: one moment of opportunity. Do you seize that moment or do you hesitate?
Sometimes it’s only an instant, and then she’s gone. You have all of ten seconds to make a move, then… the girl of your dreams just walked out of Starbucks and you didn’t do anything.
The moment came and went, and you wussed out. That’s a terrible feeling to walk around with. You feel worthless as a man, completely incapable of getting what you want. You know that women are attracted to confidence, but it’s really hard to feel self-confident when, every time you get nervous, you fail yourself.
I know how bad that feels. I used to live with that feeling every single day. Then, something happened to drag me out of my little cave of self-pity, and I made a decision. I told myself I was not going to be one of those guys who settles. I wasn’t going to just accept that I wasn’t good enough to get my dream girl, and I wasn’t going to end up being alone or settling for a mediocre relationship for the rest of my life. I told myself I was going to get this attracting women thing handled or I was going to die trying.
I didn’t know how I was going to do that at first, and I felt like all the chips were stacked against me. I mean, I’m just a normal-looking dude. I’m short, I’m not very strong, I’m balding, and (between you and me) I’m definitely not well-endowed. You wouldn’t look at me and think, “Wow, that guy must get lots of women.” But at this point in my life, I know how to approach and attract any woman I want, and I am extremely good at it.
WHAT TO SAY
WHAT TO SAY
I spent years studying psychology, relationships and attraction. I went from having zero female options in my life, to having so many I needed to write their names in a book to keep track of them. I went through a period when I was polyamorous, meaning openly and honestly dating multiple women at the same time (you can learn more about my polyamory experiences here). It was a long journey filled with a lot of failure, a lot of experimentation, and a LOT of sex. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, and it was all worthwhile because at this point, I’m dating the girl of my dreams.
My personal goal now is to get every man in the world to stop settling for a woman who isn’t absolutely what he desires. I have worked as a professional dating coach, a social dynamics and charisma instructor and a body language expert. I have trained everyone from athletes, to celebrities, to marketers; from students in their freshman year in college to men in their 80s.
This book is going to teach you one of the most important skill-sets you’ll ever learn: how to meet and attract the gorgeous women you truly desire, and deserve.
First, let’s get something out of the way because there’s a lot of bad advice out there and a lot of misconceptions about attracting women. This is not a book of pickup lines or scripted routines. If you want those you can find a million on the Internet for free. Don’t worry, I‘m going to give you some great lines in this book, but none of them are going to do anything to change your success with women until you realize one thing: When you first walk up to a woman, what you say doesn’t really matter.
What matters is how you say it.
That is the biggest point I want to make in this book. When you understand this, it will change the way you approach every interaction for the rest of your life.
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ironic to learn that “what” you’re saying isn’t really a big deal. In fact, about 80 percent of communication is entirely non-verbal. In any given interaction, about 60 percent of the conversation comes across through body language, and another 20 percent comes across in your vocal tonality. Only the final 20 percent is comprised of the words that are actually coming out of your mouth.
This is why pickup lines, in the traditional sense, never work - because the “line” is only 20 percent of what you’re communicating. The fantasy of the pickup line – that there is one line you can say that will attract a woman every time you say it – is just that; a fantasy. If that were the case, every guy would be saying that one line all of the time, and whoever discovered it would have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Badassery. There is, however, a system that works every time because every woman is psychologically wired in the same way. This book will explain that system.
Before we dive into this, I’m going to let you in on something it took me years to realize: women want you to succeed with them. They’re on your team. They will give you every opportunity imaginable for you to walk up, flirt, make conversation, connect, seduce, and sleep with them. Women want that to happen just as much as you do.
They’re just not going to do it for you.
And the hard truth is, the hotter they are, the smaller their tolerance for error, because you are competing for their attention with so many other guys. Especially in the beginning phase of the interaction, where you create this wonderful little emotion called attraction.
In these crucial “first impression” moments, hesitation is like kryptonite to attraction. And if you don’t want to hesitate, you have to know what to say ahead of time, which is why you picked up this book.
What You Are About To Learn
WHAT TO SAY
WHAT TO SAY
I usually prefer teaching the broader concepts of social dynamics. I want my students to have a deeper understanding of the psychology behind attraction, and to understand why they are doing things, so they can figure out how to handle any situation they come across. I’d rather teach you how to fish than hand you one trout at a time.
However, there are some things that just lend themselves to a nuts-and-bolts, “do this, then that” style of teaching, and building attraction is one of them. This book is going to be very focused on the specifics of how to approach and create attraction the right way. Meaning: how to walk up, how to move your body, and what to say when you open your mouth. You will still learn the “why” behind everything I’m going to teach you, but this book – more so than any of my other teachings – will show you exactly what attraction looks like when you put it into action. If she’s walking down the street toward you, what’s the best way to stop her? What if she’s walking in the same direction as you? How do you walk up if she’s standing at the bar by herself? Sitting with a friend? On the dance floor in a huge group, surrounded by guys? This book will cover 99% of the scenarios you will encounter on your journey to meeting and attracting the woman of your dreams.
It took me years of trial-and-error to learn and develop the information you’re about to read. I took every idea I could think of, threw them at the wall and kept what stuck, leaving me with an entire book’s worth of my most effective material. I can confidently say from experience that
this stuff works, and my students will unanimously agree.
Once again, I want to address something head-on here: this is not a collection of pick-up lines or scripted routines. This is an in-depth explanation of the psychological principles behind approaching and attracting beautiful women, which I’m going to teach by providing A LOT of real-world examples.
But of course, the concepts and examples you’re about to read only work if you use them. If you take these techniques and actually apply them, you will gain the ability to build powerful attraction with any girl you
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doing it. That’s why I’ve broken it all down for you in great detail – so
you’ll never again have the excuse that you don’t know what to do, or what to say.
Night Versus Day
The concepts in this book will have two spins: nighttime and daytime. An approach that works during the nighttime won’t work as well during the day, and vice-versa. The reason for this is that our mindsets are different in each case. During the daytime, we feel like we can’t hide. At night we have a subtle shift in our psychology because we feel like we can hide. Psychologically speaking, we feel more exposed during the daytime. We don’t typically have our guard up as much because we feel like everyone can see us already, and there’s no option to hide. We’re out there in the open and it feels normal and comfortable. The average person will be much more open to having a conversation with a stranger during the day. Women are not expecting to be approached by men (because it rarely happens) so they aren’t as guarded.
A psychological shift occurs in our minds as daylight fades. We feel comforted by darkness and start to feel like we can hide parts of ourselves. We also become more guarded around each other. Women at night, especially in a bar or club, have different patterns on their minds. A typical pattern – “guys are going to be coming up to me and trying to say whatever they can to get me into bed.” Most women have their guard up at nighttime because they expect on some level for that to happen. Our minds run on different patterns during the daytime and during the nighttime. This is important to understand because the best way to approach a woman and attract her, no matter what time of day, is to break her pattern. I’ll be going over this in more detail in the following chapters. Note: The nighttime distinction doesn’t just apply to going to bars. Honestly, I used to hate bars, but I started to like them a lot more once I learned how to walk in the door and get any woman I wanted to leave
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WHAT TO SAY
are lots of other places to meet women at night – parties, lounges, shows, or just hanging out.
However, don’t be one of those guys who doesn’t go to bars because you don’t think you can find high-quality women there. That’s something I get really tired of hearing. Most single women go to bars at some point, and there’s no way they’re lower quality at the bar than they are at any other place you might meet them. Not only that, but bars and nightclubs are some of the best places to practice these skills because they draw a high volume of good-looking women to one place.
The only difference between meeting women at a bar or somewhere else is in how you should approach them. Once you understand that you can meet women wherever and whenever you want.
How To Read This Book
Treat this book as a valuable reference. Read through the first nine chapters in order. That will give you the background you need to understand 99% of conceivable scenarios in which you’ll meet women. Chapter 10 – “What to Say When…” is a condensed list of those scenarios and how to handle them. Use that chapter for reference whenever you need it. Chapter 11 – “Pulling the Trigger” – bridges the gap between the initial phase of attraction and moving into rapport and seduction, which are outside the scope of this book.
As you read through this book, take notes on anything that especially impacts you, as I suspect you will have some major “light bulb” moments. If you read it all the way through in one sitting, your brain will probably light up like a Christmas tree.
This book contains all the information you wish you knew the last time you saw a hot girl and your mind went suddenly, perplexingly blank. When your excuse process kicked in, and you started thinking of all the reasons you couldn’t walk up to her, make her smile and turn her on the way you know you can.
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2. Getting Ready
H
ave you ever gone out to a bar with the intent of being social and meeting people, walked up to one group who didn’t respond well or didn’t seem to like you, and as a result the whole night sucked? Have you ever been in a packed bar full of women and said, or heard someone say, “No one’s here, this bar is lame.”Conversely, have you ever gone out to a bar just trying to have a good time with your friends, and without even realizing how it happened, conversations just started opening up for you, your confidence took off, and women just seemed drawn to you and your group? You know the vibe, when you feel like you’re on fire and everything becomes easy and fun. That’s called being “in-state,” and you should feel that way every time you go out. Most people have no idea how to control their emotional state, so they leave it to chance. They go out thinking they’ll be able to wing it, hoping to just “see what happens.” And when faced with any kind of stress or anxiety, their state drops and their night falls apart, as if they were frozen by a pair of breasts headlights.
You are not going to do that anymore.
When you are in-state, every social interaction becomes easier for you. When you are not in-state, you feel a lot of internal resistance that can – and will – make your life miserable. The difference, as it turns out, is all in your preparation. In this chapter I’m going to teach you a system for getting in-state while you’re getting ready to go out, before you even get to where you’re going.
When you’re getting ready to go out, you should consciously be taking steps to get yourself into the state you want to be in. Most guys don’t do this. They sit on the couch with their friends, watching TV and drinking until 11:30, and then go once they are sure the bars are full, thinking
WHAT TO SAY
WHAT TO SAY
that pre-gaming in their living room is going to magically make them social animals once they get there. You might hook up with a lot of drunk, average-looking girls this way, but how many times has it gotten you a serious hottie?
When you get to the place you’re going, you don’t want to be “cold,” you want to already be “on fire.” A lot of guys think that attraction begins when you walk up and start speaking to a girl. That’s wrong. Attraction actually begins at the moment she becomes aware of you, which is usually before you ever open your mouth or even know she is there. It’s typically when you first walk into the room and she sees you, but it can even take place before that if she hears about you from someone else. Whenever her “introduction” to you happens; the moment you become a blip on her radar. This is the first time she becomes aware that you exist. And as common wisdom dictates, first impressions are a bitch.
However, you can maximize the impact of your first impression by understanding how to prepare yourself when you’re getting ready to go out and socialize. It’s easier than you think, and it’s something that 99% of guys overlook.
First Impressions
Like it or not, people will judge you as soon as they see you. You do this to other people too. We all do it. It’s a necessary device that allows our minds to comprehend complex social behavior. Your subconscious mind is extremely powerful. It processes 10,000 bits of information for every one bit of information that your conscious mind processes. 10,000 to 1! It’s also photographic. It remembers everything, and because of that, it is exceptionally good at recognizing patterns.
Note: For more on this, I recommend you read Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell. It’s required reading for all my students and it changed my perception of a lot of things. In fact, it made me re-develop my system for understanding attraction.
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Now, your subconscious mind can’t communicate directly with your conscious mind, but it does communicate indirectly through a specific language. That language is emotion. When women see a guy, they assess him instantly and then have a feeling about him. They aren’t aware of that thought process because it’s subconscious, but that’s what always happens. This is a powerful process and it’s the one that women trust the most. It’s their “gut.” Most women will trust their gut over anything else. If a guy is creeping them out, they’ll think, “I’ve got a weird feeling about this guy.” That’s why they say, “This guy is sketchy,” rather than, “This guy won’t stop facing me with his body or leaning toward me and being sexual,” which is what “sketchy” means. They don’t know that, because they don’t have to. They just have an immediate, gut-level response to that behavior.
When women first become aware of you, you want that gut-level response to be a good one. Because like it or not, you actually can judge a book by its cover (the book being you, of course). And women, especially very attractive women who have sexual options thrown at them every day, have developed a very finely-tuned filtering process for what books they read, and what books they don’t read.
What this means is that, when a woman first sees you, her mind’s filtering process will file you into a category based on her immediate perception of your social value.
Notice how I didn’t say “your looks” or “your money.”
As men, this is great news for us. Why? Because indicators of high value don’t come from how you look, whether you’re tall or short, weak or strong, if you’re losing your hair (like me). Things like that, things you can’t change, don’t matter. What does matter are your body language and social behavior.
The perception of your value (and attractiveness) depends on how you carry yourself, how you respond to people, and how they respond to you.
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If you are a book, these things are your cover. They are immediately recognizable patterns to her subconscious mind, which has experienced hundreds of social situations in the past and stored all the details of them for future reference. A few examples of patterns you might line up with: “creepy guy staring at me,” “nice guy I could be friends with,” “shy guy with no friends,” “high-energy party guy,” “hot guy I’m curious about”…
You do this too. Your subconscious naturally tries to file everyone into a folder. That’s how it deals with all the complex information it receives every second, by cutting away anything that doesn’t seem important. It’s ruthlessly efficient. It wants things to be insignificant, so it doesn’t have to spend energy worrying about them, and so it tries to neatly file people away. This is how you can look at somebody and assess everything important about them in an instant. And if they’re easy to assess, and you can put them in a folder quickly, you no longer have to
pay attention to them.
If you want to get good at attracting women, you have to learn to break people’s patterns. When you break someone’s pattern, you create a new folder in their mind. That, in turn, forces their subconscious to work harder, and communicate with the conscious mind, the end result of which is an emotional response to you.
You want to be different, a little harder to put into a folder and forget about, because attraction is all about curiosity and attention. You have to make sure your first impression creates strong curiosity. And at the very least, if you are going to align with any of a woman’s pre-determined patterns, you want to make sure that pattern is “attractive guy” or “guy I want to know more about” or “guy who looks interesting.” You want to be acting the way she’s seen someone else act before, that someone being an attractive, confident guy.
Conveying Pre-selection
One of the most powerfully attractive things you want women to perceive about you when they first see you is that you are pre-selected. This means that it’s obvious from your behavior that you have many female
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options. Let’s talk for a second about how that actually works. Have you seen the video I did with the fish at the beginning? In that video I covered a concept that’s really powerful. It’s at the core of everything that we do in order to attract women, and it’s all related to guppies. In the animal kingdom, female guppies look to find males that are the brightest color orange, which is a sign they are the healthiest. The females want to seek out the greatest odds for their offspring to survive, so they try to find a healthy male to mate with. But, if two males are the same color, then a really strange phenomenon happens.
A female guppy will choose to mate with the one male that all the other female guppies are mating with. They could both be equally healthy males, but if one started mating first and all the other females saw that, they will flock to him and leave the other one alone. This is really, really important. They do this because they can’t tell the difference in orange coloring, so their minds take a shortcut and choose to trust the judgment of all the other females.
In our society, as men, we are all the same shade of orange.
As a species, we no longer reproduce by the rule of “survival of the fittest.” We live in a world of social rules now, the main one being “survival of the socially fittest.” So if women can’t immediately tell how socially fit certain men are, they will subconsciously consider the best indicator they have, which is “what are the other women doing?”
And if it appears that all the other women want you, the impression is that you are pre-selected. This creates attraction like nothing else you can imagine.
The bottom line is, women are all looking for a man that acts like other women already want him. Everything that I’ve ever taught is built around this. Body language, eye contact, banter skills, it’s all geared towards conveying pre-selection. Your first impression on women should be that you have a waiting list of other women wanting to date you.
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So how does this apply when you’re getting ready to go out?
Because if you can adjust your energy level and emotions in the right way, when you walk into a venue you will automatically give off a vibe that conveys pre-selection, and gets you a woman’s radar as an attractive guy she is curious about.
All before you even open your mouth.
If you do this right, when you actually approach women and start talking, half the work will have already been done for you. That’s the power of a good first impression.
Assessing the Situation
When I first figured this out, I realized that if I was able to lift my energy level to a point just above where everyone else in the venue was going to be, I’d interact with everyone really positively and get great responses. Everyone that I approached would be receptive and open. If my initial energy level was off, however, jumping right into interactions was really, really difficult. The difference, when you’re getting ready, is in accurately assessing the situation.
There are three things you need to pay attention to when assessing the environment you’re about to get yourself into, and you’re going to rate them 1-10 (lowest to highest). The three things are:
1. The volume of the place you’re going to. If you don’t know the answer to this, you’re going to have to guess. I would say the number for a typical bar is around seven, which includes noise like talking, music, etc. The volume for a typical club is a nine. A coffee shop or a lounge is typically a four or five. Guys who don’t like bars or clubs are typically annoyed most by the volume and by the second factor: how crowded it is.
2. Crowd. This is the amount of people that are there. It also changes based on how big the venue is. This is going to
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drastically affect how you approach getting ready, and how you behave once you’re there.
3. Lights. This doesn’t necessarily mean how bright or dim the lights are. It’s more of an indicator of how much visual stimulation is going on. If there’s a lot of flashing lasers and blinking lights on the dance floor, that would be a much higher number than a dim, candlelit lounge. Important to remember: when you’re in a low-lit environment, people think they can hide more, so everyone puts on another face and personality. You have to be comfortable with that and understand there are more barriers to conversation in that situation.
You want to rate all three of these factors and come up with an average. For example, let’s say one particular venue has a volume of eight, crowd of nine and lights of three (not very much visual stimulation). Your average is going to be a six or seven, roughly. An average near one, by the way, is going to be very, very low key. Ten is extremely, extremely stimulating, with stuff going on, all the time, everywhere; distractions all over the place.
When you get the number for the place you’re going to, you’ll be able to match your energy level to the energy level of the venue, before you
get there. If you don’t do this beforehand, you’re going to show up at a
different energy level and either appear too eager and pumped up or look like a total downer who’s bored and chilled out. You don’t want either. For most people, the one thing that can easily change their energy and emotions is music. Music will typically get you into a specific mood, which is why we listen to it in the first place. Typically, there are three major types of venues you’ll go out to, so you will need three different playlists to get you in three specific kinds of moods. You need to create them before you go out and listen to them as you’re getting ready. This is really crucial. It may not seem like it’s that important, but it’s really, really important. If you’re skeptical, try this once and if it doesn’t work, then never do it again. It will work, though.
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1-2: CHILLYour “Chill” playlist is going to be for energy levels 1-2. This is music that’s comfortable, that you listen to when you’re at your house hanging out. You don’t want to get too pumped up. If you do, you’ll look freaked out when you get to the chill venue. People might start asking you for drugs…
Funny story - when I first started going to bars a lot and trying to figure this stuff out, I had an association in my mind with being successful and being really energetic. I’d go out to places and be super pumped up, talking really fast. This changed when I went out one night and I was talking to a bunch of people, being really friendly. Then I walked into the bathroom and some guy followed me in to say “hey.”
There was a guy talking to me in the bathroom. That’s not normal. Girls do that all the time, but guys do not talk in the bathroom. We don’t have conversations. Here’s how it went:
Guy: “So, can I get some coke?” Me: “What? You mean Coca-Cola?”
Guy: “No, blow man, come on. Can I get some blow?” Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any. I’m not doing coke.” Guy: “Yeah right, man. Just be cool and give me some.”
I realized something that night - if people think I’m so energetic that I’m on coke, I was probably doing something wrong. I wasn’t aware until then that I was being super high-energy in the wrong environments. I’m naturally extraverted; I gain energy the more I talk. So as more and more people were positively responding to me, I started to get more
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energetic and talk faster and louder… to the point where people thought I was on drugs! I had to learn to calm myself down, and I did that by preparing properly before I went out.
3-7: HOT STUFF
Most venues you’ll experience are going to fall between three and seven, and for that you’re going to get ready with your “Hot Stuff” playlist. This is typically an album or playlist that’s not super pumped up, but makes you feel powerful, happy, and confident… like you are the MAN. Mine is the album Sticky Fingers by the Rolling Stones (the first half, anyways). I listen to my Hot Stuff playlist if I’m going to a typical bar, in which case I want to stand out. When I listen to this sort of music, I’m more likely to smile and look at everyone on my way there; not so energetic that I’m trying to engage everybody, but enough to draw people to me and get used to how it feels to get attention. You need to warm up to that feeling because when you get to the bar, that’s what you’re going to be doing. You’re going to be looking at people and drawing them to you. I’ll tell you more about that later on.
8-10: HIGH ENERGY
Your “High-Energy” playlist is full of stuff that just gets you pumped. I mean like, really excited. This isn’t necessarily music that you like. A lot of guys don’t like to listen to music that gets them super pumped up. But if you’re going to a high-energy place, you need to prepare accordingly, so use this as a tool.
This is something I used to do all the time when I would go out to nightclubs with a group of my friends. We’d sit there and listen to a specific playlist for a specific place that we were going to. If we were drinking, we’d drink a little bit before we’d go. We had a specific ritual. If we were going to a really loud club, we’d listen to pumped up, bass-heavy music the whole way. We’d be talking to everybody that we ran into on the way there, just having a great time. We got into a great mood because of that, which paid off massively once we were there.
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Let me give you an example of what happens if you do this incorrectly. If you assess your situation wrong and listen to your hot stuff playlist before going to a super high energy place, you’re going to walk in expecting to get attention, to be looked at. But if you walk into a place that’s extremely high-energy, you’re going to blend right into the crowd no matter what you do. You could be in a Santa Claus outfit, and no one would notice you because there’s just so much going on. So if you come in expecting to have everyone pay attention to you, you’re going to be super let down. You’re going to feel rejected as soon as you walk in the door, and it’s going to show in your face.
For a place like that, you need to be in that high-energy mindset right off the bat so you can immediately join the party. The high-energy mood will make you feel comfortable blending into the group instead of standing out. If you show up and you’re not integrating yourself right away, you can’t make anything happen, and you won’t be able to run the room, which I’ll talk about later. Once you properly integrate yourself into an environment, the right first impression has been made, and you can get to work attracting women.
Plausible Deniability
So, once you’ve got the right music to get you in the zone, let’s talk about how to specifically get ready to meet women at bars, parties, or during the daytime.
Going to a Bar
Guys who go to bars to meet girls… do not meet girls. We’re all doing that, of course, but in order to do it well, we need to distract our minds with plausible deniability.
Getting ready to go to a bar is all about distracting yourself. In your mind, you know why you’re going there – to meet chicks. You’re not going there to drink or to hang out with your friends. You can drink with friends at your house for way less money and effort, and you know this. So if you’re like most guys, when you go to a bar, you’ll feel this looming anxiety about wanting to meet women. If you think about that
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the whole way there, you’ll be investing so much energy and anxiety into meeting women that when you get there, you’ll be very outcome-dependent. You’ll need to meet women, and that neediness will make you very unattractive.
So you need to trick yourself. You need to give yourself some plausible deniability for being there. If it’s a bar that’s really chill, you can distract yourself in a way that’s more relaxed, meaning you’ll have a conversation with one or two people along the way, listen to music that’s relaxing, think about stuff that has nothing to do with the bar you’re going to, make phone calls to people you know, and have a relaxing, normal, chilled-out conversation.
If you’re going to a bar in the three to seven range, then instead of calling someone and connecting in a relaxed way, you might want to call someone and be silly. Call one of your friends that always jokes and laughs, who you can just be a dude with. Talk to your friends on the way and get yourself laughing and joking, just having a good time. You want to distract yourself from the fact that you’re going to this bar to meet chicks. If you’re going to a high energy place, you’re going to be distracting yourself in a really high energy way. There will be lots and lots of action constantly around you, so you want to be ready for that. You’ll be looking at lots of different things. You’re obviously not sitting down doing a crossword puzzle, or watching TV. Instead, you’re out and about, talking to everybody you possibly can run into. You’re going, “Wooo!” You’re high-fiving people you don’t know. You’re getting your state boosted up. Plausible deniability means that no matter what the energy level is, you have to create a belief for yourself that you are going out to have a good time, and that’s the only reason you’re going out. Not even to talk to people. Just to have a good time. If you think any other reason than that, you’re going to get nervous. And when you get too nervous, you crash and burn.
Going to a Party
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want to do at a party is set yourself apart from everyone else and automatically integrate yourself as one of the hosts, if you’re not one already. The host of the party naturally has high value, and everyone wants to meet him. It’s easy to meet women because you have a very obvious reason to talk to everyone. Your beliefs are telling you that “this is my party so I should be talking to her.”
But what if it’s not your party? Align yourself with the hosts. This is way better than showing up and starting from scratch as just another guest. The way you do this is to come bearing gifts. Always bring something to the party, even if it’s just a six-pack and there are 1,000 people. Give it to the host of the party and not anybody else: “Hey, I brought you some beer” (or whatever). This is crucial. It may seem kind of simple, but it’s really important.
Next, offer to help if they need anything. They’re almost never going to say yes, but always offer. Even if they say, “I don’t need any help. Thank you very much,” you can say, “Okay, let me know if you do.” At that point, you are now on the host’s side. You can go around the party asking people, “Hey, are you having a good time? Awesome. Let me know if you need anything at all.” Talking to the host first allows you to do that, even though it’s not your party. This will give you all the plausible deniability you need to start talking to everyone there with little-to-no nervousness.
Daytime
For meeting women during the day, if you’re going to a park, café, bookstore, or similar environment, you almost always want to bring something with you. You need some reason why you’re going. It can be a book, your computer, your dog, a Frisbee and a friend to throw it to, maybe a journal. Bring something to give yourself plausible deniability – a reason to go there other than meeting women. You don’t need to use it. It just needs to be there.
Think about this - if you go to a coffee shop and you just sit with your cup of coffee not doing anything but looking around, you’re going to come off weird. Remember, you want to give the impression that you have a
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lot of options, and if that’s the case, you would not be going to a café to talk to chicks. You would stay at home and drink your coffee there, with all of your chicks. Women know this, and they need to believe that about you in order to feel attraction in the first place.
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WHAT TO SAY
3. Walking In
O
nce you’ve prepared properly, you’ll be able to walk into any venue in the right state of mind. This is crucial because what you do in the moment you’re walking in can make or break your evening. When you first walk in, everyone nearby will notice you and make their snap judgments of who you are. You will be making first impressions left and right, all of which hinge on how in-state you are in that moment. Everyone else’s reactions in the room will then be based on those first people’s reactions and create a domino effect that can either work for you or against you.If you first walk in and people don’t like you or have a weird feeling about you, they will start to react poorly to you. Everyone else sees them reacting poorly to you, and so they react poorly to you as well. Not only that, but when you start getting poor reactions, your emotional state starts to drop, which in-turn creates more poor reactions. It can be really obvious or really subtle, but people will pick up on how you are feeling and how people are reacting to you. If your feelings and reactions are off, it can create a chain reaction of negative impressions that will ruin the venue and the evening for you.
However, if you walk in smiling and laughing, having a great time, and immediately get positive reactions from the people around you, this will register with the rest of the room and create that same domino effect in a very attractive way that works in your favor.
This is so important that I am banging the keyboard as I am typing it. It’s the difference between having an easy, fun time meeting women and having to pull teeth to get even a small interaction going. And yet,
nobody does this.
Here’s what most guys do: they walk in, not smiling or talking to anyone, and walk in a single-file line directly to the bar. They stand facing the bar
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and wait a long time for drinks, then they stand there in a circle, scanning their surroundings and building up the liquid courage to talk to women. Very commonly, they drink too much too fast, get drunk, and end up stumbling around and acting foolish. If they do end up approaching women, they usually come across as nervous and unattractive, or drunk and sloppy.
Of course, the women in the bar have been subconsciously logging this the whole time. And the whole time they’ve just been standing there losing value. If you do this, consider yourself immediately filed away in the “average forgettable guy” folder. High-value, attractive, pre-selected guys don’t behave this way.
When I walk into a bar and I want be noticed, and well-received, I do a series of things (that I’ve never taught before) that set me apart from every other guy.
Pumping Your State
The first thing you want to do, right before you walk in the door, is called “pumping your state.” You’re going to rush endorphins through your system right before you walk in, which will naturally give you all the attractive body language you need to make a good first impression. The most important part of this is your smile.
There have been a lot of studies done on smiling, and they all came to the same conclusion: Smiling at people makes them feel good. One study in particular found that when you smile at someone, the amount of endorphins released in their system is equivalent to the endorphins released if they were to walk down the street and find $25,000. That’s a pretty powerful effect.
Other studies have found that smiling literally makes you more attractive. They did split studies where they would have a guy walk into a room without smiling and then walk into another room smiling. Eight times
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It’s important to note here that I’m talking about a genuine smile, not a fake one. There are several different ways to smile, and all of them are wrong except for one. There are lots of tiny muscles in our face that create involuntary micro-expressions. These are muscles that we can’t actually control and that are activated only when we feel a certain way. When you fake a smile – you try to smile when you don’t actually feel it emotionally – you can only engage a portion of these muscles. A real smile engages all of them, and other people can instantly read that on your face.
A real smile is something you have to induce from the inside. The muscles and expressions involved are so complicated and involuntary that, instead of trying to control the actual smile, you have to control what makes you happy.
So what I do, right before walking into a place, is to think of something that makes me laugh. If you walk into a bar and you’re smiling about something that really makes you laugh, you’ll get an 800% better reaction from people. You will be liked by eight times the amount of women that would normally like you. That effect will compound because other women will see them liking you and they’ll start to become attracted because you’ll be pre-selected. There is so much going on in this tiny little cross-section of the night, so much that can make your life eight times easier and that most guys overlook completely.
Exercise: 5 things that make you laugh
Write down five things that make you laugh every time you think about them. It can be movie quotes, it can be characters, it can be someone that you know, something that you say, a joke. Funny TV shows and comedies are great for this.
One of my friends likes to think about Peter Griffin’s laugh in Family Guy. Every time he thinks about that, he pictures Peter Griffin, and he starts laughing. I used to picture all my organs as cartoons, smiling and talking to each other, and that made me laugh. Like, “Hey, I’m the kidney.” I don’t know why that made me laugh, but it did. Dave Chappelle’s stuff always makes me laugh. The R-Kelly spoof, “Piss on You,” is especially funny.
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You really only need one thing as long as it keeps making you laugh every time you think about it. What I typically do is either write it down on a piece of paper for my back pocket or write it on my arm (I have a lot of tattoos so it blends in). You can reference this while you’re out at a bar, and it will allow you to put a really genuine smile on your face and naturally attract more women whenever you read it.
It’s really important that this genuinely makes you laugh. If you try to fake this, it won’t work. I mean, if you could fake it, then we would all be doing it just fine already.
When you’re walking into a venue with a group of people, make sure you are constantly laughing and joking the whole time. Right before you get in, pull out a zinger that makes them laugh really hard. When everyone around you is smiling, you’ll get really, really positive responses from people.
Badass tip: If you have an iPhone, use the location-based reminders so you can actually set the joke/line as a pop up notification for right when you arrive at the bar (I believe you need iOS 5 or greater).
Dominant Body Language
So you’re walking in and genuinely smiling. The next thing you want to do is express dominant body language. If you’re smiling, typically you want to be looking up, laughing and being happy. A lot of guys, when they experience emotions, try to slouch, or become smaller, or look down to try and hide it. You don’t want to do that, especially if your emotion is happiness. You want to project that happiness out into the room.
When you walk in, your shoulders should be back and down. Your head should be up, as if it were a helium balloon tied straight through your spine. Your chin should pretty much be parallel with the ground. It’s a little bit uncomfortable for a lot of guys to keep their chin up when they are looking around.
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are long and that you are not shuffling. When people shuffle their feet, typically they’re afraid they are going to fall down. And if you start widening your strides, you may very well fall down. I’ve fallen down, but it was worth it to learn how to walk in a dominant way.
Badass tip: If you do fall down, make a joke about it. Point at the spot on the ground and say, “Have that removed.” That’s my banter line for any time I fall over. I guess it’s funny that I fall over enough to have a line for it, but anyway…
Maintain dominant body language and good posture for at least ten minutes after you walk in. As you go through the night, dominant body language might become more difficult. Some guys don’t have the muscle capacity to really stand up straight, be as tall as possible, and keep their head up. They start to droop over because they get tired or stop paying attention. But, if you can do it the whole night, do it. It makes you more approachable, and women find that instantly attractive and interesting.
The Bar Walk
After you walk in, you’re going to warm up the entire room by doing something I call the Bar Walk. It’s a simple list of things you will walk around doing that will allow you to keep your state up, raise your value and give off an incredibly attractive vibe to everyone around you.
You can make up your own list or use mine. The point is to walk around doing things like:
• Getting the bouncer’s name • Finding the bathroom
• Finding the smoking area (if you don’t mind the smoke, go out and chat because smokers are always really open to conversation) • Finding an interesting drink on the menu
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drink, you need something to hold onto at a bar. Plausible deni-ability, remember?
• Finding one girl who’s a Sagittarius (when you start doing this, you’ll get hooked. Women love astrology.)
• Sending a few text messages
If you’re in a bar or club, the second you stop and don’t do something or talk to somebody, your value starts to drop. You become less attractive the longer you’re standing still and not interacting. Most guys don’t know this and end up standing around, drink in hand, committing social suicide. Instead of letting that happen, you need to have something to do. You don’t want to be running all over the place, but for the first 30 minutes after walking into a bar, you need to be actively warming yourself up and raising your value.
This is the process I go through every time I go out to a bar. It takes about 15-30 minutes for me to do the whole thing; longer if it’s especially crowded. As you go through this process, you’re going to make sure you maintain dominant body language and a smile on your face. You should also say hello to everyone along the way.
The Fake Hello
Here’s a cool trick that will raise your value and make it appear as if you know lots of people. As soon as you walk into a place that’s busy (if it’s not busy, don’t do this), do something that I call the “fake hello.” Stand up tall, look over the crowd and wave to a person that everyone will assume is in the back of the room. Then hold up your finger as if to say “one second” or “be right there,” and walk somewhere else. Immediately, the impression people get is: “this guy knows somebody here.” You’ll be getting everyone’s attention without trying, because it appears as though you’re looking past them.
This is an example of misdirection, meaning that your attention is focused in one direction and your body is moving in another direction.
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WHAT TO SAY
Misdirection is something I use all the time that most guys aren’t even aware of, and you can use it to approach somebody without having any of the pressure of wondering what to say or how to be smooth. One of my favorite ways to open conversations in a bar is to be talking to a friend of mine (or someone I had just met) and tap someone on the shoulder without even looking at them. When they turn around I’ll say “What do you think about this?” and I’ll just let my friend keep talking. Now we’re both listening to someone talk and just hanging out, no pressure. It’s a really easy way to talk to people, guys and girls. I’ll get more into that later.
The Drive-by
This is where you walk by someone, throw out a compliment or a banter line, and then keep going. You’ll be going back to talk to them later, but the initial drive-by is a great way to warm them up and build familiarity. It’s also a great way to start getting out of your head and into a state of conversational flow.
This is something I do a lot. For example, I’ll walk by a group of girls and say, “Hey, you’re awesome. I’ll be right back,” or “There you are. I don’t know you, but there you are. I’ll be right back.”
By the way, that’s Austin Powers’ fantastic line: “There you are.” “Do I know you?”
“No, you don’t. But there you are. Right there.”
You’ll find that with every little positive interaction, you start to build positive social momentum and your state gradually goes up and up. Drive-by’s are great for this because they always go positively. You throw out something playful and then move on before it’s even possible to get a bad reaction. Externally, people around the room are warming up to you and wondering what to say when you come back and talk to them for real. Internally, you’re getting out of your head and into your body; into the moment.
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Drive by’s are super fun and are a great way to work a room. We’ll talk more about working the room in chapter five.
During the Day
One of the biggest fears guys have when they walk into places during the daytime is being noticed. Our biggest fear is for people to look at us. If you have that fear, you have to accept it and get over it, because guess what? Attractive guys get looked at all the time. In fact, anytime people are looking at you, everyone around assumes you’re an attractive guy because that’s the only time guys get that kind of attention. There is no easy way around this. When you start smiling a lot and displaying dominant body language, people will stare at you more, and you simply have to get comfortable with it.
There are a few ways of getting people to look at you when you walk into a place during the daytime. Essentially, you want to come across as a loud, gregarious guy with a lot of positive energy, who’s talkative and engaging with anybody who interests him.
Let’s say you’re walking into a café. Right before you walk in, you still want to think about something that will make you laugh (even during the daytime this is really powerful). When you first enter, take three steps in, stop, and look around (you’d never do this in a bar at night time, by the way). You want to get people to look up at you. People will instinctively look up and think “What’s going on? I need to be aware of this person.” Even if they’re not paying attention to you consciously, their peripheral will pick you up and they’ll automatically feel compelled to look at you. You will fill this interesting, empty space in the room, which is exactly what you want.
As soon as you continue, you want to engage someone. The easiest people to engage are the staff – waiters, hosts, baristas, etc. It doesn’t really matter what you say as long as you talk to somebody, but you
are going to say it about four times louder than you think you probably should. This is really uncomfortable for a lot of guys. When you speak at
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your world. After you initially speak up you can lower your volume, but be loud when you first walk in.
During the day a lot of people try to lower their volume. They’re quieter, and they don’t want to be looked at because their biggest fear is that some guy is going to say, “Hey dude, stop yelling!” If you’re loud enough, if you’re clearly a dominant guy, then no one is going to dare to say that. A lot of guys choose submission over dominance because it’s easier. But consider that, in any given situation, if no one in the place is dominant, then another guy might step up and make himself the dominant one, and that guy might be an asshole who doesn’t have everyone’s best interest in mind. Don’t let that happen. Be the cool, fun, dominant guy whose lead everyone else follows. Always.
After you walk in, continue doing what you were going to do. Order a drink, sit down, etc. What’s important is that you’ve walked in, looked around and spoken up, as if you are assessing what’s going on. You are the dominant, in-charge person who walks in and says, essentially: “Is everything okay in here? Let me see if I need to do anything to make this all okay.” Someone more submissive does not take the lead like this. They don’t think about controlling their environment, because they’re used to their environment controlling them.
Speaking of controlling your environment, moving stuff around in a place is another great way to convey dominance. For example, feel free to pick up a chair and move it to another table where you want to sit. If you want to push two tables together to sit with someone, do it. You are the one in charge here.
Once you’ve walked in like this, something very interesting will happen. All the single girls at the café, hoping that someone will come talk to them, will look at you. Make a mental note to talk to all those girls, because just like you, they are also sitting around in “plausible deniability mode,” hoping to be approached.
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themselves, “Oh, I’m just here because I like being around people when I read.” That’s plausible deniability. On the surface they’re sitting there quietly reading, but on some level they’re hoping a charming guy will come up and talk to them. Every girl wants that spontaneous, chance meeting with a great guy. They want to be able to tell this story later: “Oh my God, I was reading a book at a coffee shop, and he just came over to me. We flirted and talked for an hour, it was amazing.” This is true of almost any daytime approach, and romance novelists and romantic comedy writers have known this for years.
When you walk in and display dominance, most women who are open to meeting you will subtly give you attention. Approach those women, they really want you to! I’ll get into specific, direct ways to do that in the following chapters, but if you want to try this right away, a great way to approach is to ask for questions and opinions. This is a very good way to start a conversation if you feel you have nothing to say, during the daytime specifically. At nighttime, you typically don’t want to do this because it doesn’t seem as congruent to why you’re there, and incongruence might as well be a big stamp on your forehead that says “creep.”
But if you’re at a café or bookstore, you might want to ask innocent questions to start a conversation. If she’s reading a book, ask her how it is, and start talking about books. If she’s working on something, ask about that. A common question in a bookstore is, “Have you read this? Should I waste my time with it or should I just watch the movie?”
If you walk in and aren’t ready to talk to girls right away, a great way to warm up and pave the way for a smooth approach is by bantering and interacting positively with the staff – the baristas, waitresses, and/or other people behind the counter. The best way to do this is to interrupt their patterns.
Pattern Interrupts
Earlier I went over patterns and talked about how we have subconscious, autopilot responses to things we frequently encounter.
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“How are you doing?”“Good. How are you?”
That’s an autopilot response.
When people are at work, especially if they have a job they don’t really like, their entire workday is an autopilot response pattern. It makes the day go by faster, and they can think about more interesting things in the background. What you want to do is break these autopilot patterns because it will get you a genuine, positive response. And remember, when you get a positive response, you will feel great, other people will take note, and you’ll create a positive chain reaction that works in your favor and makes you feel and act more attractive.
Two easy pattern-interrupts to use with someone working: a directed question and a positive curse.
There is an auto-pilot response to typical questions like “How are you doing?” But what about a question like “How are you doing today you sexy beast?” You wouldn’t expect a stranger to ask you that, and you would have to consciously think about your response. That’s an extreme example, but the point is to ask them something different than they’re used to being asked. Here’s a subtler example: “How are you doing today so far?” is different than “How are you doing today?” The added “so far” makes people actually think about it.
With people at work, you want to do a couple of things that only friends do to each other and that people don’t do with baristas, waiters, etc. One of those is to ask how their shift is going so far because that’s a question you’d ask your friend.
“How’s work so far?”
“Ah, it sucks, blah blah blah.”
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customers don’t ask that, friends do. I’ve gotten free drinks and free food just by asking that one question.
What you’re doing here is creating a comfort-building, “you-and-me-against-the-world” mentality called an “us bubble” (more on that soon). This is important if it’s a woman you’re actually interested in because women at work typically don’t date customers. Breaking patterns and creating an “us bubble” is a great way to pull yourself out of the “customer” folder and into the “date-able guy” folder.
Another great pattern-interrupt is what I call a “positive curse.” I might talk casually about other customers and say something like “that guy is kind of an asshole” (make sure there are no kids around when you do this). Cursing in a positive or funny way, not at but with the person who’s working, is another thing that a friend would do and a customer would not. It’s important that you go light with this and not cuss up a storm, but doing this at the right moment can really make a difference in how you are perceived.
If they say, “How are you doing?” you might go, “You know what? I’m freaking great.” That’s it. It’ll register with them and they’ll think, “Whoa, that person just cursed. But it’s okay because they’re cool, and I can laugh.”
One thing that confident, dominant guys understand and that submissive, weak guys don’t: you are allowed to curse. We’re all adults, it’s okay. You don’t have to be cordial and proper all the time, and you can say things that might break a few rules of “politeness.” You should be comfortable with creating a little bit of tension; it’s intriguing. Attractive guys are never afraid to break social norms and be a little edgy, so don’t be afraid to convey that side of your personality.
Weather
One more thing to keep in mind when getting ready to go out during the daytime: weather is an important psychological factor. People in colder weather are sometimes less receptive to being approached because
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they’re more bundled-up, and when we wear heavier clothes, we are subconsciously protecting ourselves from more than just the cold.
Pick up a drink and put it in front of your chest. When you do this, it creates an instant feeling of comfort and safety. You’re protecting a part of your chest that is very vulnerable. When you put it down, you feel less comfortable, like you’re exposed. In the same way, when you’re bundled up with a lot of clothes, you feel safer. This is why some people wear jackets when they don’t need to: because they feel vulnerable, and wearing heavier gear gives them a feeling of comfort and safety. The reason why isn’t obvious. I mean, unless it’s a bulletproof vest it doesn’t actually make anyone safer. But people feel comforted by it psychologically.
When you go out during the daytime and its cold, you’re going to be talking to people who have jackets on, and they won’t be as comfortable going into rapport or being approached because they feel as if they’re hiding behind a barrier.
So, what do you do? You can cut through their defenses by doing the thing they don’t expect: interrupt their pattern by being direct.
Imagine you walk up to a girl bundled up in the cold, and say “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I’ve got to sit down and talk to you for a minute.” She knows that you can’t see her body very well, so you’re basing all this on her face, which is a lot more real to a woman as a compliment. No guy compliments her like that when he can’t see her body, and you’ll stand out immediately if you do that. Why? Because you broke her pattern.
We only feel emotions for people who break our pattern, period. If you don’t break the pattern, you’re going to be forgotten. If you do break the pattern, you’ll create attraction, in this case by being bold and direct. We’ll be getting into how to do this in great detail moving forward.
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4. Eye Contact and
Body Language
S
o now you know what to do as soon as you walk in. Let’s talk about the next step in this process, which is maintaining eye contact. Most guys aren’t able to do this, or are even aware that it’s a form of communication.Have you ever heard that the eyes are the window to the soul? This is because we communicate a great deal of emotion through eye contact; emotion that is extremely accurate. It’s very difficult to fake. As I mentioned earlier, we have a lot of tiny muscles in our face that create micro-expressions. Most of these muscles are positioned around the eyes. When you’re thinking a thought and looking at somebody, you’re typically projecting that thought to them.
My friend Paul Janka is an attraction coach. He’s a great guy, but he’s also one of the most intimidating guys in my industry. When people talk to him, they usually get nervous and scared. I’m a good foot-and-a-half shorter than him. He’s really powerful, and he’s got an internal frame, so he usually walks all over people and doesn’t really think about it.
The way I control conversation with Paul is with extremely strong eye contact. If you ask him about me, he’ll probably tell you that I have a really powerful gaze. He’s confessed to being enthralled with my ability to look him in the eyes and not look away because most people get nervous and do look away.
I’ve trained myself to be very good at this because I know how important it is to hold eye contact, especially when you’re nervous. I cannot tell you how many hot women used to lose attraction for me because I didn’t understand this one fact. Anytime I’m dealing with a beautiful woman
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WHAT TO SAY
(or any powerful person) I will consistently make very, very strong eye contact. If I don’t, I’ll get treaded on almost instantly.
This is because eye contact is the second most powerful indicator of dominance (the most powerful being body language, as we just discussed). This dominance is expressed in how you hold eye contact, with whom you hold eye contact, where you look afterwards, and whether or not you can express emotion while you’re doing it.
Dominance is universally attractive to women. It’s important to note here that I am not talking about being domineering. Being dominant is about internal power, being domineering is about external control. You want to keep this in mind because most guys think that dominance is about controlling things around them. That’s incorrect. Dominance is about controlling yourself.
The same differentiation can be made between being submissive and being subservient. Subservience is about being controlled externally, while submission, an attractive female trait, is about allowing oneself to lose control internally.
Exercise: Express Something Uncomfortable While Holding Eye Contact
Here’s an exercise that will get you used to the feeling of maintaining eye contact through discomfort: think of something you’re really into that you would normally keep secret, and tell it to someone without breaking eye contact. Think of something that you wouldn’t want to tell anybody, but that won’t hurt anyone if you do talk about it.
For example, here’s something I never tell anybody: I read a comic book every week, the same comic book, and I wait for it to come out. I’ll sit there and wait for it when it shows up and then immediately read it until I’m done. It’s a Japanese comic book called Naruto. I read it every single week. I never tell anybody that because it’s totally geeky. I’ll be sitting there reading a comic book thinking, “I’m nerding out.”
