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just being men and for the role that they take in society. A problem of the last two or three decades that has escalated and has deep impact on your personal life. He doesn't feel good about his career and he says he's always
procrastinating and this is a self-defeating behavior. How can I overcome this behavior?
One thing for a guy to look out for in this kind of dilemma or problem is perfectionism. What do I mean by that? Some of the time that a guy feels not so great about a major area of life, whether it's women or work, is that he has a view in his mind of an ideal and it's good that we do this, that we
dream, that we set really lofty goals because it gifts us a
"north star" to steer toward; our ship.
It gives us a measuring point that is our ultimate dream. But we get into a problem when we "don't enjoy the journey along the way."
That has everything to do with boundaries. A specific way to fix perfectionism as a cause of not really enjoying your career or doing well at; it has to do with unreasonable
standards like idealistic standards for your career. It has to do with growing better boundaries.
So you would work on your boundaries and you would
small advances along the way. One of the specific
techniques I like giving guys in the Mature Masculine Power Program, which has everything to do with career, is the idea of "enjoy the future now." It helps to get rid of some of the perfectionism that makes you feel down and blah when you look around at what's going on in your life right now. And you're nowhere near your ultimate dream yet.
Enjoy the future now.
It's a way of using your imagination but in an educated guess way that if you started working toward a career shift to
a new field, or you're going to start school in the fall,
or you've left the job and you're considering changing cities.
Look forward to the possibilities for the future and enjoy them now, so that you feel better now. That will help take away part of the emotional part of that depresculinity state that you're in.
Now, another thing that we have here is, you are clearly saying: "I procrastinate." Obviously that's the probably the major thing you're going to have to fix. You have already identified it and you know it exists. Then he says: "This self- defeating behavior dominates over me." I thought a lot
about this phrase: self-defeating.
What comes in my mind about that and makes me wonder about it is that in some of my biology training when I was much younger, they would talk about how amazing the brain is as an organ and how it's evolved to be so accurate and so much of a champion of our survival and our welfare that almost everything it does is to benefit us.
Not to defeat us.
So I actually started to question the idea of self-defeating as a phrase. You know, a lot of therapists use that phrase: self- defeating behavior.
How is it possible for self-defeating behavior to even exist if our own brains are these perfect machines that always are trying to act on our behalf and make things good for us?
Maybe don't use the phrase: self- defeating.
Maybe wonder why your brain is trying to help
you by procrastinating. It's trying to do something good for you, in your favor.
Obviously, the first thing that pops to mind is any of us would procrastinate in a job we don't like.
So whatever it is you're spending your time on now –
Have you ever stopped to think that maybe you just don't like it? And that if you don't like it, it can't be a career mission.
So you're off your mission as a man, and that if you found
the right thing to do, you probably wouldn't procrastinate.You'd b e motivated. You would show up on time, every time.
So get rid of the negative label of "self-defeating" and say: "Well, clearly my brain is trying to help me by making me procrastinate." What does that tell me about me? And what does that tell me about my day job? "Oh, must be the wrong one for me." I would think of it that way.
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QUESTION:
"I have been wondering about the natural drive for people to seek immediate gratification or short cuts. I see myself when I was younger as doing the same, probably natural. Now I realize the importance of striving to make long term
persistent work and in general not desire quick fixes. Do you have any advice on how to really sink this concept in? I sometimes see myself 'fall back' into not so mature ways of doing things and going for the quick fix in life."
Dr. Paul: Some of you who have been around a long time with what we do are familiar with me. You know, pooh-poohing the marketers out there who sell quick fixes.
It's really catering to people's instinct to want to be provided to and efficiently in the shortest possible way: Get rich quick or personal growth quick; instant
everything. Even with technology –
Section 2 - Click for Deeper Study
SLOW DOWN
1. Immediate gratification is childish 2. Delayed gratification is not
3. The former always gets you into trouble, except when it is light and leisurely
4. The latter always serves you, except when you don’t plan - when you are “tilting at windmills” like Don Quixote
CLICK FOR DEEPER INSTRUCTION