Subtheme 2.3 Commitment to others (as Parent or in relationships): it’s a gift.

A ‘re-membering’ conversation allows each participant to identify and acknowledge not just the contribution of others to their lives but their own contributions to the lives of significant others. Two of the research participants were parents and actively involved in their children’s lives. RT described the importance of being able to read bedtime stories to his daughter even if he stuttered. Adam described the positive side of sudden unemployment as a “gift” of spending time with his children.

Adam: It’s a gift. Being able to spend so much time with them (Appendix E, p115, lines 144-145)

RT described the role of father as being there to listen and not necessarily to speak. RT: Listens, be there, to be there…I suppose because listen, they tell you things. Be there you can see things. If she has like she has worries em it is my job to help her through like or if she is or if she is scared? (Appendix C, p50, 51, lines 130-134)

Relationships with significant others underpin the efforts made to keep going in the face of stuttering. Adam described the impact of stuttering on his relationship with his wife.

Adam: She has given it a purpose, self-fulfilment as a person, partnership (Appendix E, p133, lines 283)

Mac described how her partner Eoin sees the potential she has.

Mac: in terms of seeing me as determined and courageous, would definitely be my partner, Eoin. He knows the best. (Appendix D, p66, lines 73-74)

The relationships are a two way street of loyalty, support and recognition. For RT, it is his sister who recognises his potential and offers support and loyalty.

SLT: who would have said you were capable of these things? RT: my sister. She is the same age. She knows me

142 RT: em dunno I can’t think of any

SLT: what does she see in you? She sees something in you that she thinks (3)? RT: it’s a word that (gestures around head) eh (4) can’t think of it what’s the word em kind of like clever (3) She thinks I’m a good Dad. I’m good with kids. (Appendix C, p45, lines 87-93)

This commitment to others is linked to one particular person for each participant. A small close social network appears to be a common factor for all three participants. In Mac’s Narrative Therapy session entitled ‘the team of life’, roles were assigned to significant people who will support her on her return home. She identified that the therapists will be her coaches, cheering her from the sidelines; Eoin will be in defence, a forward and her goalie. The other course participants may provide some support but no other family or friend is enlisted by her in her team. In the River exercise (appendix N), Mac described how Eoin is in the “baggage”, in charge of the life rafts and her phone contact.

Reflexive commentary

Identity stands out for me. It is evident that identity in transition is relevant for all participants. It seems that accepting who you are is significant in therapy even though it can be difficult. Is acceptance too patronising a term? It may be overused in therapy for stuttering and I am not quite comfortable with it. Perhaps knowing who you are allows you to make changes that are necessary. I am curious about how identity develops. I have decided to read more about the development of personal identity. Michael White writes that identity is a storied affair and I feel that I have only one story to tell about it, mainly from a narrative perspective and I need to develop this further.

Adam:

Adam struggles with the notion of his identity as being that as a person who stutters. He acknowledges anger and resentment but then a shift emerges; he wants to accept it but on his terms. He can be wryly humorous about it but finds it difficult; ‘So tonight I had a chat about acceptance and he mentioned he would try and love me, or at least learn to love me and he gave me a big hug’.

Is this the development of realism about the challenges of acceptance? Starting point in therapy one of anger and denial less hopeful but more kind to him, he will make it his friend; it has given him drive and ambition. If he works hard enough he can prevail.

143 Adam’s metaphor is one of a battle but he is arming himself with hope, persistence and flexibility. He talks of the struggle to acceptance. He wants to accept his identity as a person who stutters but who can change. He uses humour and irony to deflect when he feels he has got too close to the hope he has, it is arming himself for further failure. He also talks of letting his work speak for himself, again silence and letting something else represent you as RT did with photography and Mac does with animals. Once he finds an entry point into his new narrative, that of determination and flexibility he elaborates this role for himself. In this new story he also recognises the need for support from others (the group and the support group at home).

I have found it harder to immerse myself in Adam’s data. It has been the easiest to transcribe without significant overt stuttering behaviours which beset the transcription of RT’s tapes. It lacks the explicit and intense suffering described by Mac. He appears so careful and watchful in each interaction. Almost like a child watching and waiting for approval. He jokes and uses humour and there is much eye rolling and grins but every word is measured and of huge meaning to him.

MAC: Of significance was the emergence of the sense of being ‘other’, of being different and on the fringes. She is an outsider with her peer group, her classmates, and her family. She is even an outsider in stuttering, a silent minority of women who stutter. She is reliant on one person. This sense of outsider links with the emergence of identity as a theme for RT. I wondered initially whether her sense of otherness was emerging from her social anxiety or her stuttering but the examples she gives relate to both. She also describes the isolation within family and within herself that comes from not speaking about stuttering openly. She describes the sense of rejection when she shares her experiences with her cousin only for it not to be discussed again. Perhaps a starting point for therapy is the move from isolation and the need to be open. An initial outcome therefore would be increased openness not just about stuttering but about her identity and who she is as a person. Is acceptance of self or ‘knowing who you are’ as a person who stutters then a significant part or the first stage in therapy? Reading on identity: What has struck me from the reading is the lifetime nature of identity work. Integrating different aspects of ourselves to become whole is a key aspect for the development of identity and this identity is a ‘storied’ one. The challenges that RT has faced have been opportunities for growth and development. Mac has challenges to her core identity, to who she is as a person, she is an outsider, what would it be like for her to be an insider?

People: a common sense of aloneness pervades. Why do they all seem so alone? Reading and rereading serves to emphasize this sense of being alone and being outside from others.

144 Chapter Seven: