Subtheme 3 Suffering: no way out of the darkness

127 Distress, pain and hardship are evident in the participants’ accounts of living with stuttering. Participants described how the impact of stuttering moved beyond the occupational and educational and impacted in very real and meaningful ways across all their domains of daily living. The initial Narrative Therapy sessions focused on developing a ‘thick description’ of how the problem emerges across the different domains. A rich seam of suffering emerged, that crosses boundaries of age, time and gender.

SLT: and do you think your stutter was responsible for the friends, the bullying in school? It had that kind of effect on you?

RT: Had to (3) like (3) stood out (Appendix C, p22, lines 73-76)

RT described how, in order to survive the bullying, he befriended the bullies.

RT: Yeh, made friends with the bullies, yes cos then was always then was always was always kind of protected. ..Kind of like survival (Appendix C, p17, lines 42-48)

Stuttering has affected all aspects of his life. He also recognises that some of his lifestyle choices have impacted on his life. Reflecting back to RT on his description of the impact of the stutter on his life, the Speech and Language Therapist questioned this and wondered aloud if this an accurate statement. In Narrative Therapy, checking in with the participant is recognised as key to the reauthoring process.

SLT: The stammer has affected everything? Is that too broad a statement? RT: I think part of it yeh. My lifestyle wasn’t too healthy I think (Appendix C, p28, lines 121-123)

For Mac, suffering became the backdrop to daily life.

Mac: I’ve been through a lot and I never complain that much ah. I don’t have a desire to complain just try and get on with things as best I can even though I have days where I just feel so low or so fed up that things are very difficult. (Appendix D, p67, lines 79-80)

Stuttering has resulted in withdrawal, physically by choosing not to talk and emotionally by not speaking and expressing her feelings. She described the dark

128 emotions linked with her stuttering and the impact that it has had. Mac feels that her stuttering is linked with her diagnosis of social anxiety and the combined impact has lead to isolation. She identified the lack of openness about stuttering as contributing to her sense of loneliness and isolation. In what is a detailed description of emotional turmoil, Mac reflected on her own use of language. Brevity seems to reflect her state of mind.

Mac: I don’t speak some days, em I may give the impression I’m having a moody day or something because I have really short answers like, I just don’t want to elaborate, em. (Appendix D, line 380)

Her interactions with others are curtailed as she withdraws into herself. The description of being “lost in myself” is linked with her later story of being physically lost (see Unique Outcomes). Mac uses words such as “light” and “dark” to represent her state of mind. There are phrases such as “dark emotions”, a “dark room” and “being in the dark”, “with no way out of the darkness”.

The way I act like in my behaviour, more so or if, say, after a situation like that, I’d be interacting or talking to someone who I would know a lot better or feel more comfortable with em I wouldn’t, you could just tell by looking at me. I wouldn’t pay much attention I be so lost in myself. So kind of dark emotions or whatever … (Appendix D, line 392)

In the dark room, it just felt, well I was thinking as regards to my own life was looking back at times when I was so low that I thought that this was it basically I didn’t want to continue when I was younger because no one explained things to me, em when I was really ill as well with my social anxiety. God I was in a very bad place a lot of times, being in the dark, I always felt I was in the dark and because kids when kids are young no one explains that side of life, no one explains things the way they probably should em I felt like I was the little young girl in the dark who was so confused em felt there was no way out of the darkness. (Appendix D, lines 505-506)

For Adam, there is a conflict inside between speaking and not speaking, between stuttering openly and avoiding speaking. The resulting “battle” impacts on his sense of self and self worth.

129

Adam: Inside there will be all those inner battles…low self-esteem (Appendix E,

p107, line 89)

Suffering is fed by strong feelings about stuttering and the situations the participants find themselves in as a result of stuttering. Anger, fear, avoidance, shame and embarrassment emerge from their stories.

RT described his anger at a therapist questioning his motivation to take part in a programme due his late arrival. He had travelled many hours across country to attend and felt his effort was unacknowledged.

RT: They said I’d got no eh got no interest in fluency, I just lit up. (Appendix C, p32, line 150)

He described the anger he feels about speaking situations and the way his life was progressing at that time. This anger resulted in him moving job, home or country at different times.

RT: Because I got angry, kind of anger, frustration that’s kind of doing something, I’ll just, could be just move. (Appendix C, p55, lines 165-167)

For Mac the anger was fuelled by a sense of her own entitlement to speak out and the distress her failure to do so caused. She identified strongly that she has the right to speak out but her failure to do so resulted in anger towards herself.

Mac: Would make me quite angry that I, I have a right just like anybody else. (Appendix D, p65, line 67)

In contrast to her anger, her recognition of her rights, there was fear. This is fear of change, fear of staying the same. As Mac stated her goal is;

Mac: Not to be afraid of change. (Appendix D, p70, line 158)

She also spoke of fear also of regressing and fear of the judgement of others.

Mac: Fear… backwards… mainly would be fear of being judged, by people,

130 As therapy progressed, Mac’s use of language suggests that she recognised that fear is double edged, that it could motivate her to change and to continue to change.

Mac: I’m here to not be afraid really not be afraid of any judgements that I have perceived people may have or people do have. That would have been the principal reason why I avoided (Appendix D, p91, lines 349-350)

She identified what may sabotage her progress.

Mac: Mainly fear and frustration, feeling low, stress (writes embarrassments, Judge). (Appendix D, p85, line 308)

Adam also recognised the importance of identifying the fear as he came towards the end of the intensive week programme Free to Stutter...Free to Speak. This progression was significant for both Mac and Adam in recognising the impact of emotions on their speech and on their ability to progress in therapy.

Adam: I’d like to know a little more the different things … about the fear and the embarrassment (Appendix E, p106, line 83)

Surviving in spite of suffering was common for RT, Mac and Adam. The acknowledgment and exploration of the feelings associated with this suffering in the initial externalisation conversations appear to be a significant point in the therapy process.