Subtheme One: Disillusionment and Distrust

The current subtheme is essentially concerned with the experience of disenchantment and a betrayal of trust. Most participants in the study described either a precise moment during which some sort of rude awakening transpired, or talk about a process that led them to an expanded vision and the world stripped of illusions. Such process frequently involved having expectations and hopes dashed and a crude realisation of o e s positio , which ultimately resulted in an altered world view.

Cait (26:1057-1058) mentioned how her disillusionment related to a realisation that

people that ou e just arrived to, e e goi g to look afte ou, do t u de sta d ou…. . Cait des i ed a p e ise o e t du i g he fi st est ai t o the ward that

resulted in a state of bewilderment as she encountered the painfully incomprehensible. Such experience consequently unfolded a rude awaking in relation to o e s pe asi e positio of po e less ess as Cait s : - entire image of

hospital staff ha ged ithi se o ds . Sally, for example, elucidated how

fundamentally drastic and turbulent her ordeal was. She noted how she had initially believed staff e e a gels (2: 62) and explained how her expectations that she would

e ell looked afte disi teg ated o pletel . It see s “all s elationship with authority was reconstructed as she became weary of professionals, no longer felt safe in the world or had faith in the concept and implementation of justice. It also appears that Sally arrived at a frightening realisation that the rights she regarded as integral and untouchable to her existence, are in truth untenable, groundless and elusive:

Turning the world upside down, this level of upheaval, it was everything you know… my previous expectations of how I would be treated by (…) were completely dashed by

the a the staff e e ith e, eliefs ho , hat ights I ha e i so iet … I do t k o ou a just be put in prison without a trial and repeatedly assaulted,

which was what it felt to me like at the time (…) (Sally, 30: 1162-1169)

A a el Ale a d a s o e t of disillusio e t u a elled du i g the i te ie , while she was exploring her experience of having been stripped naked by the nurses in the shower. Her recollections of the ward contained patchy and hazy memories. At times, she also painted a mixed picture that consisted of contradictory components she struggled to reconcile with. The following excerpt demonstrates how, for the first time, she clearly discerned the darker side of her experience, which was centred on the severity, impact and meaning of the shower incident, as she allowed herself to connect to the pain that seemed to have remained locked within:

[Silence] I do t k o it s just a it ei d [e otio al]…. Ma e e ause at the ti e [holdi g tea s]… I did t get upset … ut o – shit it as uite a ful…… [Emotional]

ut I suppose that s hat I ea ho it o es a k a little it … …. ut o it s ot e fu …. (… [Reaches out for a tissue; laughs nervously] Yeah I suppose so [cries

iefl ]…. I thi k it s like hat s o e out just dis ussi g it a it…. …) I suppose it s been o i gl a ful a d I ki d of fo get… e ause ou just ould t a a e ul e a le ould ou, ou like oh gosh….… …) (Annabel Alexandra, 26-27: 994-

1017)

Finally, participant 888 provided a horror movie analogy that conveys the experience of the betrayal of trust, whereby a rescuer (the system) transpires to be the perpetrator. Perhaps running through the woods symbolises a place of darkness one is desperately trying to escape from, distress and vulnerability of a psychotic breakdown. Furthermore, it appears that meeting a rescuer is equivalent to being placed in the ward for safety and recuperation. Ultimately, o e s ai et is pitted, as it turns out that one has been deceived and entrapped (here embedded by the cabin in the woods) and that the treatment received is ultimately traumatic and iatrogenic.

Again, there is a painful realisation that one is no longer protected and therefore, silently in a dangerous situation, while appearing sheltered to the outside world:

Be ause the e is that et a al of t ust, it s like those ho o o ies he e ou k o the a woman is running through the woods and she meets the guy who appears to be

a rescuer and as an audience you feel a sense of relief a d the he sa s do t o , I e got the a i ea , a d she gets i a d the the e is this a ful se se of d ead, oh fu k this pe so is t the es ue , it is the pe pet ato …. it s su la e of po e less,

it is being abused by people who have legal espo si ilit …. (888, 8: 306-317)