1. Should I have a casual affair?
No one can make that choice for you. There are typically several motives for extramarital involvements beyond the obvious one. You need to ask yourself some questions to determine your motives. For example: What do you want from an affair? Do you find your mar-riage boring because you need that excuse to have an affair? Are you considering an affair as a means of avoiding working on the marriage?
Is your dissatisfaction with the marriage genuine, or is it a part of your dissatisfaction with yourself?
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If you do have an affair, you must use condoms, preferably those treated with nonoxodyl, for the prevention of STDs. And you need to screen a prospective partner carefully. Is this person emotionally stable? Are his or her expectations for the affair the same as yours?
The movie, Fatal Attraction popularized the obsessive lover. You probably won’t meet a knife-wielding woman (or man) who kills your daughter’s bunny, but if you don’t choose carefully, you may find yourself involved with someone who calls you at home and at work, sends little notes or cards, and generally intrudes on your life in ways you never imagined.
You also must weigh the risks, both to your marriage and to your-self. The majority of men and women who report their affairs were of minor consequence to their marriages describe those liaisons as shallow and short-lived or enduring but emotionally limited, in other words, low emotional-involvement affairs. Some of these people also have marriages that are emotionally limited. When people get involved in highly emotionally charged affairs, they report conflict and pain upon discovery or separation.
A casual affair may coexist with marriage, but an intense amour competes with it. Are you prepared for the outcome should the ex-tramarital relationship become more intense? On any level, affairs can be disruptive, but they can also be constructive or exhilarating and rewarding. Even if the liaison is casual, the experience may have a strong impact on you and your marriage. These consequences run the gamut from destructive to enhancing.
One of those consequences may well be mistrust. Once you have broken the bond of intimacy between you and your spouse, you may discover that you don’t trust him or her anymore than you trust yourself. You may wonder, is my spouse cheating on me, too? Affairs can contribute to the unraveling of the fabric of a relationship by sowing those seeds of mistrust.
Should you have an affair or not? Only you can answer that ques-tion; it’s hoped after you’ve answered several others.
2. My lover is becoming too involved in this relationship. (Or I am.) What can I do?
Often a person comes to the conclusion that one lover’s involvement in the affair has become more “intense” than the other’s. Perhaps one lover cares more than the other or finds the relationship more import-ant in his or her life. If one is single, the chances of this being true
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increase. Whatever the causes, an inequity of emotional involvement exists. This situation can seem threatening to a lover who wants a low emotional-involvement affair that won’t threaten the marriage or other committed relationship.
At this stage, pulling back from the affair is the best course of ac-tion. Cut down on meetings and phone calls. Perhaps even take a vacation from each other. If the more intense lover can’t cope with the reduced involvement, the other is left with a choice between get-ting out altogether or staying in an affair that is increasingly likely to produce feelings of guilt, resentment, and anxiety - as well as put the primary relationship at greater risk.
3. Should I leave my spouse for my lover?
According to several studies, only about one out of ten people having an extramarital affair marry their lovers. The consequences of divorce are frequently as hard on the person who seeks it as they are on the other partner.
Divorce can lead to financial hardship, emotional distress for chil-dren, problems with extended families, embarrassment, and the dis-comfort or sadness that accompanies any loss. In addition, the diffi-culties of starting over with the new partner may be greater than anticipated. Divorce is sometimes the best choice for a couple, but not one that should ever be made in anger or haste. See a counselor before leaving your spouse. And take all the time you need in making a decision. Don’t be hurried by an impatient lover.
4. How should I handle my partner’s affair?
First, try not to say anything you really don’t mean. Threatening to get a divorce, for example, when you have no intentions of doing so only puts you in a weak position.
For some couples, a temporary separation provides an important
“time-out” period. The difficulty in separation lies in how it is used.
Often, rather than employing this brief separation constructively, a spouse is attempting to punish or “teach the [expletive deleted] a lesson.” A pattern of outburst and withdrawal frequently ends in il-lusory resolution with the apology of the wandering mate accepted by the aggrieved partner.
Whether your mate goes with you or not, see a therapist. You need to work through a process of grieving that will probably include blaming and self-pity. And you will need to learn how to reestablish
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communication with your partner. If the marriage is to be healed, the betrayed spouse will have to work through feelings of resentment and animosity before he or she can examine the problems that may have led to this tear in the marital fabric.
Does your partner want to heal the relationship? The affair will almost certainly have to be ended. A new monogamous sexual agreement between the two of you is the secret to reestablishing trust.
Finally, should you leave? That depends on whether or not you want to rebuild your marriage or even accept it on nonmonogamous terms, not on what friends or family tell you to do or what you feel inspired to do in hurt or anger or as an act of revenge. Sometimes a deceived mate’s anger and an adulterous mate’s guilt combine to end a marriage neither partner really wanted to end.
5. Can an affair ever be good for a marriage?
Extramarital sex in our society is fraught with difficulties, dangers, and risks. The time commitment, emotional investment, deception, and lying, as well as the decreased attention and affection to one’s spouse that may occur frequently lead to several negative effects.
These include: erosion of communication, trust, and security; the stimulation of destructive jealousy and the heightening of feelings of inadequacy; and the rapid and agonizing deterioration of a shaky marriage. Even solid marriages can be adversely affected by affairs.
But, in some cases, affairs do enhance a marriage in the following ways:
• Lessen the feelings of resentment frequently found within the constraints of long-term marriages.
• Remove the burdens of sex and companionship from a spouse who may be exhausted, ill, preoccupied with other matters, or simply not in the mood.
• Increase the warmth and excitement of one spouse, thereby stimulating the other.
• Provide a diversion or temporary respite from marriage dif-ficulties. This can bring a new perspective or tolerance to these problems.
• Assist a person to discover new dimensions of his or her own sexuality and personality including (for women) orgasm, which may then be experienced with the husband.
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• Help an unsatisfactory marriage to remain intact when there are other good reasons to continue the marriage, such as children, finances, an established home base.
• Allow persons to remain (or become) warm individuals des-pite cold marriages.
• Provide additional passion, tenderness, and stimulation for a person experiencing a good marriage.
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