As I pick up my New York newspaper all combined into one little paper (for on account of a Pressman’s strike all the papers combined and got out a daily together) I see at last miracles are at hand. I never thought the day would come when those papers would ever agree on anything, much less be printed on the same pages with their rivals. But, when it comes to dollars and sense, policies and hatreds are discarded.
It really hurt my pride tremendously to have my paper, the New York Times, mingle its name on the same headline with various lowbrow publi- cations, and I hereby take this means of informing my VAST CIRCLE of readers that it was not with my approval that the thing was done. I was
away on location making a Covered Wagon Picture (I found two Covered Wagons out here that had not worked in the original so I decided to put them on the screen, as I think that every Wagon that has a clean sheet should be seen by the multitudes).1
Well, as I say, I was away when Mr. Ochs of the New York Times wired me and asked if I had any objections to my editorials appearing in this com- bined paper.2Me being away, and him not hearing, why, he supposed of
course that it was O.K. But had I known about it the thing never would have happened, because I feel that my Literary standing has been lessened, and I take this means of informing my Public and most of all my old Col- lege friends and Alma Mater that I had nothing to do with it personally. Had I known that Mr. Ochs didn’t have enough money to get out his paper alone without mingling with those other small timers, I would have per- sonally made him the loan.
Each paper was supposed to contribute something. The Times, as ex- pected, contributed the intellectual reading matter (due, of course, to a cou- ple of other writers assisting me.) The New York World contributed all the news of the Klan; the New York Herald contributed the Republican alibis; the Daily news contributed the pictures of their Public who can’t read; the New York Staatz Zeitung contributed words, but nobody knew what they spelled; Il Progresso Itali-Americano contributed Louis Firpo’s memoirs; The New York (America first) American, contributed Spark Plug and Hiram Johnson’s latest speech.3 So as you read this combined New York paper
you could tell at a glance just what paper was responsible for it being in there. So I hope I have made it plain to my public that I had nothing to do with my articles slumming, as they have been lately.
The only bad publicity move that my home state Governor Walton, has made, is to pick a time when all papers are combined in New York and hence there was a lack of space for him.4But I am not far enough away to
express an opinion on that case as I don’t want any White Robed Gentle- men leading me forth in the middle of the night and massaging me with any Tar, and sprinkling feathers on me for a chaser.
No, sir, I am not expressing any opinion even for Political purposes. I live down there and know a lot of those birds. “Rest in Peace” covers many a man’s head down there, who spoke out of his turn. I am kinder like Pres- ident Coolidge is on All Public Questions—I know when not to say any- thing.
There are old guys down there who have an old Squirrel Rifle laying up over the door on some deer horns, and if they shoot at you and don’t hit you in the eye, why, they call it a miss. I want to conduct myself so that when I go back home to Oklahoma I can shake hands with all my friends- not just have to wave at ’em as I am running.
I ain’t going to tell some people 2 thousand miles away how they should conduct their business. I am like a song that Bert Williams used to sing in the Follies, “I ain’t got much education but I got good common sense.”5
Well, that disposes of the Newspaper strike, and the Battle of Okla- homa; now we will take up the leading of Lloyd George of England, who personally conducted one War to victory, and was let out over there be- cause he didn’t hold his Tea Cup at the right angle.6He is practically use-
less now to them until they get into another War.
He writes for papers, too, but I never read any of his stuff. I don’t think one writer should read another’s stuff. He is apt to find himself copying the other’s style. Or course, from what I have heard, his writings are more local; he just writes on what France owes Germany. My writings don’t deal particularly with any personal Grudge or Country, they are more broad and universal in their scope.
As a matter of fact, I took his place on the New York Times. They had him signed up and then he found out that he couldn’t sell what he had learned during the war. That was England’s private business. So the deal was cancelled, and he went to writing some other stuff and sold it to some other parties.
So then the Times started negotiations for me to write and tell Amer- ica’s secrets during the War. Well, as we had none, there was no demand from Washington to keep them. There’s the one thing no nation can ever ac- cuse us of and that is Secret Diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an Open Book, generally a Check Book. If he comes out here, I want him to meet Charlie Chaplin the two greatest men of every country should know each other.7
He chose a very opportune time to come. We have nothing on our minds over here now, and can entertain him; at any rate, if they take him to Washington during Congress we can at least amuse him. Had he come just after the war, we were entertaining foreigners so thick and fast that we couldn’t ever remember their names, much less take care of them.
But he landed at a time when he has absolutely no opposition. Walton is barricaded in Oklahoma, and Firpo has sailed for the Argentine. I hope at some future time to return his visit, and see again dear old Whitechapel, and the various Inns that I missed on my three previous visits.
So here is good luck to you George! You are the first foreigner that has come here in years that we could properly pronounce his name, and, as one writer should be able to say to another, “Here’s looking at you.”
Now we have got rid of the Strike, the Klan fight, and George, what is the next bit of business to be taken up? Oh yes, the return of Col. George Harvey, Ambassador to England.8He is giving up his knee breeches, bring-
ing all his after dinner speeches and coming right back to America. You see an election is coming on some of these days and George runs Harvey’s Weekly and, believe me, George can tear off a mighty wicked editorial. A political party don’t know whether they would rather have him with them or against them.
Mr. Harvey claims this ambassing business is a financial failure. The first affair he gave over there cost him 600 bucks just for the rent of palms for decoration, to say nothing at all about appetisers and the cordials.
You only get $17,500 for ambassing. One visit from the King and that is gone!
So, about the only way I see for an Ambassador to get along over there on his salary is not to mingle with that class of people at all. Just go with the same class of people that he was accustomed to go with if he was home. Take Mr. Harvey for instance, he should have just associated with a lot of politicians over there like he did here. They wouldn’t have cared if he had any palms for decoration or just as long as the drinks held out.
He took Will Hays back over there with him the last trip.9Maybe that
is what broke him. Will is used to visiting film stars’ homes and is accus- tomed to a lot of service.
I made application to the President a good while ago to take Harvey’s place and told my requirements for the position. But that is off now. I wouldn’t give 600 bucks for all the palms in Brazil.
It is a very peculiar position. There is only one graft in it, and that is introducing Americans to the King and Queen, and most of them are women that, while they may promise you a lot to get them or their daughters in- troduced, it’s awful hard to collect from. Then the King got onto it, and now an Ambassador has to split commission so many ways that there is practically no real profit in it.
I wouldn’t be surprised to see the office abandoned entirely. It was started in the early days to give America a chance to send someone over there to learn Society manners. But now, as practically the same manners prevail in this country as that, there is no use of the office. Both countries’ manners are equally bad.