Dimitri — My Juggler Method (Compact edition by another Dimitri aka Mohican ) Part I
Introduction Words are limited.
There's a Buddhist joke about it. The Master shows a matchbox to a novice disciple and asks: "What is it?" The disciple says: "Why, it's a matchbox!" "No, no, no!", - says the Master, - "Can't you hear? Listen to the word: matchbox, matchbox, matchbox... Now listen to this", - and the Master shakes the matchbox, so his disciple can hear how the matches rattle inside.
I feel like that disciple as I approach the task of explaining the Juggler Method in writing. Of course it must be taught by example and learned by practice.
But I'm going to write about it al the same.
Just keep in mind that difference I've described above - between the concept and experience. What I'm about to write is the concept.
Enjoy it Chapter 1
There are 3 fundamental elements to the classic Juggler Method. 1. Make her interesting.
2. Reward/Relate. 3. Escalate.
Let's talk about the first element. 1) Make her interesting.
It absolutely doesn't matter how interesting I am to a woman. What matters is how interesting she is to me. She has to be interesting enough to deserve my attention, and yet I am a gentleman enough to help her to show herself to me in the best possible way.
Hence, "make her interesting".
And the more a woman feels that I make her interesting, the more she realizes what a fascinating guy I am - so I don't have to jump out of my skin to prove my "social value"!
One great thing I've discovered thanks to the Juggler Method is that there are no boring people in the world. Someone may appear boring because I hadn't yet discovered anything unique about him or her. And yet, when I do something to help that person to reveal their uniqueness, suddenly the whole new world opens up to me! Everyone carries a marvelous unexplored universe inside. I like to think of myself as an explorer, a discoverer of the secret, mysterious, fascinating worlds. I'm the inner world adventurer, a kind of spiritual Indiana Jones.
How do I discover the unique things about people?
I ask them series of increasingly personal open-ended questions.
An open-ended question is a question that begins with: What..., Which..., How..., Who..., When..., Where..., or Why... Such questions make people feel compelled to answer with a well-developed story, sharing their experience, as opposed to just saying "yes" or "no".
What is one thing that would make this evening memorable for you? Which of your high school teachers did you have a mad crush on? How do you imagine the ideal romantic situation?
Who is the person that had influenced you the most?
When was the last time you've found something so hilarious you couldn't suppress laughter in public? Where in the would do you dream of going?
Why had you chosen this college?
Of course there's more to the art of having a meaningful conversation than just asking questions. If I kept peppering a woman with endless questions, the conversation would become incredibly exhausting for both of us, and I would make her feel interrogated.
Here is the proper structure for an elegant conversation:
My question. - Her answer. - My statement. - My question. - Her answer. - My statement. - My question. - Her answer. - My statement. - etc.
The question-answer-statement structure of the conversation helps me to increase rapport. And each statement I make consists of two parts:
a) Reward; b) Relate.
As I've said before, Reward/Relate is the second fundamental element of the Juggler Method. I will describe it in the next two chapters.
But let me go an extra mile and add the last bit here.
I always speak in the "I" perspective. When I describe my thoughts and feelings, when I share my experiences with people, I use the word "I" instead of "you" as people do quite often for some vague psychological reason. It might seem counterintuitive, but saying "I" definitely helps people to relate to what I'm saying much better.
Chapter 2
One thing I've neglected to mention in the previous chapter (and wrongly so), is the "vacuum".
The "vacuum" is a JM term for a simple and effective way to strongly compel a partner in the interaction to answer the open-ended question. After asking a woman the open-ended question, I make a strong eye contact, and freeze my body. I keep silent, I do not move, and do not break the eye contact until the tension becomes so unbearable to her that she feels obligated to break the silence and just say something.
I usually employ the "vacuum" only in the beginning of my interaction with a woman. Very soon afterwards there's no need for such powerful way of making her talk, because she enjoys the conversation with me, and answers my questions very willingly.
Now let's talk about the second fundamental element of the Juggler Method. 2) Reward/Relate
Let's discuss the Reward.
After a woman answers my question, I reward her for answering it, no matter how brief her answer was. After all, she has made an effort of opening up to me, and this effort is something I had requested from her in the first place by asking my open-ended question. And of course I want her to make even bigger efforts further along in the conversation. By rewarding her for each effort, for each little unique thing she shares with me, I make her feel good about opening up to me, I make her feel appreciated and liked. I sincerely express my appreciation.
Another important thing about the reward is that by giving it I express my approval. I am the man who gives approval without seeking approval from others. I'm the approval-giver. So by rewarding a woman for each effort she makes, I convey the fact that I'm the man in charge.
How do I reward?
When a woman is answering my open-ended question, I listen very careful y and do my best to deduce the very essence of what she is telling me, the important unique quality of her personality that she is revealing to me. Than I simply tell her that I like this unique quality that she has just revealed.
The three things to reward are: • What she says;
• How she says it;
• What she does while saying it (or while not saying anything at all; this third form of Reward I can actually use even if she doesn't answer my open-ended question!)
For example, a few days ago I've spoken to a young woman in a bookstore. She was wearing a necklace with a tiny pendant. I liked that necklace. I asked her a very simple open-ended question: "How did you get it?" I did the "vacuum", and she told me, "Well, I was just passing by the store window and saw the necklace there, so I stepped in and bought it". I was paying attention to what she was saying, and from her words I could recognize her spontaneity. This was the unique quality I liked and felt like rewarding. So I said to her, "I find you spontaneous, and I admire that about you!"
It's so simple - and it works. I also use another, very elegant and powerful form of reward that greatly shortens the time necessary to build rapport. This type of reward is called Push-Pull. A Push/Pull is exactly what it sounds like. Imagine pushing a woman very slightly on her shoulders, so she takes one step back away from you. Then imagine yourself taking her firmly by the forearms and pulling toward yourself, so close that the two of you share an embrace.
Now think for a moment, how would you do it using just words, without physically pushing her?
This is the Push/Pull. The "Pull" part of the Push-Pull type of Reward brings a woman much closer to me than if I had just rewarded her directly. That's why the Push-Pull helps me to achieve the rapport faster.
"Oh... You see, I would never marry anyone like you. If I were married to you, our household would go broke in less than a week! Actually, I am joking. I like your spontaneity!"
There are also several very important nonverbal rewards.
I reward with a smile. I reward with my laughter if something she says or does is funny. I reward by touching a woman.
In the next chapter I will tell you a few things on how to Relate to your partner in the interaction. Chapter 3
Let's talk now about the "Relate" part of the Juggler Method statement. The first way of relating is Relating to a Topic.
A woman gives me one bit of her unique personal information, to which I relate by giving her one bit of my unique personal information. The topic is the same and we have similar opinions about it. The rapport is established. Nice and easy.
However, if our opinions on that topic were opposite, we would end up hating each other's guts within minutes, despite the fact that we've talked about the same topic.
The solution is this: Relating to an Emotion.
Let's say, the woman gives me a bit of personal information (she adores cats), but instead of relating to the topic and telling her I'm allergic to those vicious furry beasts, I pay attention to the emotion of the adoration she has expressed. I can absolutely relate to adoration. I experience it very regularly.
I adore motorcycles. Especially the one I ride - Ducat Monster.
So when she tells me she adores cats, I say this: "I know exactly what you mean. It's the same with me and my motorcycle. I adore it because it's small, wild, and cute. Come to think of it, there's something of a CAT to my DuCATi!"
She giggles. And lo and behold, the rapport is established.
Sometimes the main emotion embedded in what she is saying is negative. How do I deal with that?
First I relate to the negative emotion she has expressed, and then I switch from the negative emotion to the opposite positive one.
For example, if a woman tells me about something that had frightened her, I tel her about my last visit to a dentist. "One of my best friends is a dentist, but I'm generally scared of them since childhood (in my native country when I was growing up dentists didn't believe in anesthesia). So I went to the dentist and I was shaking. But surprisingly, it wasn't painful at all, and everyone was very nice to me, and my tooth was fixed and didn't hurt anymore. When I left the dental office I felt grateful and relieved!"
I transform the negative emotion of fear to the positive one of relief.
There are various exercises I practice with my private clients during every one-on-one coaching session. Those exercises help my clients to develop solid skills in asking open-ended questions, rewarding and relating. After a few rounds of such exercises a client become so comfortable with the structure of the Juggler Method that he is amazed at how easily a subtle but real personality transformation can be achieved in a human being.
In the next couple of chapters I will share with you a few thoughts about the third fundamental element of the Juggler Method - Escalation.
Chapter 4
In the few earlier chapters we've reviewed two fundamental elements of the method: 1. Make her interesting;
2. Reward/Relate.
In this one I'm going to write to you about the third, and probably the most important element: Escalate. 3) Escalate
Very often, communication to my clients before the coaching sessions, I bump into the description of a common problem. Clients tell me: "I seem to be unable to escape the "friendly zone", "my interactions with women never go anywhere", "I run out of things to say", "she is bored and so am I", etc. All those symptoms point to the same disease: lack of escalation. What is escalation in courtship?
Quite simply, escalation is the continuous, conscious, deliberate act of deepening the rapport with a woman.
Counterintuitively, I believe that the best way to deepen rapport is to break it and make my partner in the conversation invest her effort into building it. That's why the Push/Pul principle is so important.
It's rude not to escalate. When a man refuses to escalate, a woman feels as if he keeps her at a distance by being cold, stuck-up and snobbish. A women wants a man to want to become closer to her. She creates opportunities to do so. A great number of women are conscious about the precise time when they let men escalate and see if men have what it takes. If a man rejects a woman (by not escalating), she feels unappreciated as a female - a very insulting and
embarrassing position for her, considering how much effort she invests into expressing her femininity. By escalating I give a woman what she seeks - I confirm her desirability, I validate her status as a female.
I know from the experience that every woman I talk to expects the escalation, sometimes consciously, sometimes without even being aware of it. To see what I mean, try talking to random women anywhere you go - standing in line for movie tickets or waiting to get to a bathroom in a coffee shop, for example, and escalate every time. You'll be surprised: if you
begin the interaction in a friendly way, you will find yourself able to escalate very far in most cases.
I think even now as you are just reading this, it rings true, because escalation is the natural, and most importantly, expected way to communicate with women, and having lived in the world for a few years we're all to a certain degree familiar with the phenomenon. If you just relax into it, it will happen automatically.
But, paradoxically, you might have to make a conscious, deliberate effort to relax into it. Everything in the Juggler Method is about escalation.
Escalation is the reason why I ask a woman series of increasingly personal open-ended questions - and I also combine them with the series of increasingly personal statements.
Escalation is the reason why my body conveys more and more comfort and intimacy in the course of my interaction with a woman.
Escalation is why I kiss her or ask for a date or a phone number - and so on.
Among the number of actions creating the escalation one is particularly important. I'm talking about the touch (scientifically nicknamed kinesthetics or short "Kino").
Quite a few men appear to have a problem with touching women. I used to be very troubled about that - until I've realized that Kino wasn't a problem. It's a solution! (As in "landing the plane with the engine failure isn't a problem... it's a solution").
Kino is the lube that makes the whole machine of courtship run smoothly, without grinding the sprockets. Without Kino, the Juggler Method wouldn't do much for you, it just somehow wouldn't work. Quite simply, it's the touch that makes a woman want to stay in the interaction with you!
There's one thing that I as the instructor have to whisper in my clients' ears again and again as I observe them interacting with women during our in-field practice: "Tooooouuuuuch heeeeer!"
Touch her. How is it done? I guess I 'll have to show you. But the important principle is this: touching must escalate. Start small - by touching her on the forearm, for example. And then gradually proceed to her shoulder, on the back, on the back of the neck, on the small of her back -- and so on.
One of my favorite variations on Kino is the Hand Kino Escalation: I only touch a woman's hand, and nothing else. I begin with the back of her hand, than later I hold her hand, then I squeeze it and see if she squeezes my hand in return, then I put
my fingers between hers, I kiss her wrist softly, etc.
Touch is a reward. If I touch a woman after she says or does something cute or when she opens up to me, it makes her think something like: "Oh... I know why he just touched me. He must have really liked what I've just said. What a sensitive guy! Oh God, I hope he's straight!" Touching is a polite thing to do. We'd all been under-touched, under-caressed in childhood, and we definitely don't get enough of it as adults. By touching a woman I give her what she really needs (and rarely receives from others).
As I said, touching is a Reward - which brings me to another thing I wanted to say: the verbal Reward/Relate element of the Juggler Method is, in fact, also a form of Escalation! It's all connected. What do I achieve by Rewarding a woman and Relating to her experiences? I make her want more of the same, and make her work harder to deserve my Rewards - so she will invest her efforts in building the rapport that I would deliberately undermine again and again by Push/Pull (the indirect Reward), which is very effective way of rapidly increasing the level of the rapport.
Another highly important thing is demonstrating the high value. Traditionally it had been done by bragging, which doesn't really work too well. The Juggler Method offers the alternative: Disqualification (or DQ).
Disqualification means to me enthusiastically revealing my vulnerabilities to a woman I am speaking with. Every time I reveal something that might be perceived as my weakness to a woman, I see and feel how she begins to respect me much more. This is so strange! I think it happens because, as I've said earlier, by revealing my vulnerabilities I actively demonstrate that I'm perfectly comfortable with who I am. Also it raises my value because if I reveal my vulnerabilities so fearlessly, I must be really strong otherwise, must have something to back it up with. And - last but not least - women are so used to men trying to show themselves in the best possible way early in the relationship only to become disappointingly imperfect afterwards that when they realize I don't hesitate to be imperfect in the beginning they think they've discovered a marvel: a genuine man!
Naive creatures, women! :-)
I'm kidding of course. The Disqualification is a pattern of true sincerity: "Yes, I really AM imperfect and I'm okay with that". There are several typical situations in which Disqualification comes in handy. One of them is "fight against the Superman". Courtship and rivalry go hand in hand, and our worst rival is the phantom of the Perfect Man who doesn't even exist. I don't want to be compared to the imaginary superhero because in this comparison I, the real-life man, can't win.
In the next chapter I will tel you much more about the third fundamental element of the Juggler Method: Escalate. Chapter 5
More about the third and probably most crucial fundamental element of the Juggler Method - Escalate.
Escalation is a continuous process, there must always be the upward vector. As the ancient Chinese master of Martial Arts said to his disciple, "there must be a flame under the pot all the time, otherwise the pot grows cold". I describe the feeling I have when the escalation progresses smoothly as if the continuous river of escalation is streaming through my and her hearts.
However, there are several phases of escalation in the Juggler Method - and each phase if defined by a Turning Point of Escalation.
The pre-escalation phase is the Approach. It's the critical phase, because during this phase many men shoot themselves down. There's even a term coined for the problem: the "Approach Anxiety". In my opinion, the Approach Anxiety is nothing but a confusion of a man whose mind and body have to deal with too many tasks at a time: visually identifying the "target" and potential rival males; coming up with a valid tactic to deal with a possible confrontation; the physical act of
approach as such; finding words to begin the interaction; dealing with the possibility of a rejection; body language;
positioning next to the target (sitting or standing); in-set logistics (who to talk to first, how to move within the set); former or imaginary negative experiences; etc.
The solution for the so called Approach Anxiety is to remove unnecessary obstructions by giving a full commitment to one task only: the physical act of approach as such. This act is extremely simple and requires minimum effort. I don't confuse myself by thinking of what I'm going to say. I will deal with that after I approach. Instead, I just take the five steps. (Sometimes even the five steps are not necessary. Very often my target stands right next to me, and all I have to do is just turn toward her - this constitutes the Approach).
The first Turning Point of Escalation is the Opening. And here's the biggest secret of the so-called "nightgame" I've ever learned about talking to strangers and turning them into lovers: open with Kino. Kino comes before the words - and will continue throughout the entire interaction. Before I say anything, I touch a woman on the outside of the arm (or on the outside of the leg, this option is more intimate and is of course available only when she is seated) with the back of my hand. I hold the contact for a few moments (because if I remove my hand instantly it would feel to a woman almost as if I pinched her). Only after I've touched a woman, I say something.
As for the verbal part of the Opening, there's a bit of a difference there between the so called "nightgame" (clubs, bars, lounges, etc.) and "daygame" (anywhere else, whether it's day or night). Women in clubs and bars are open to meeting and interacting with strangers because they are in those places precisely to meet and interact with strangers. Women in bookstores, health food markets and coffee shops are somewhat more reserved, so the "daygame" requires a smoother, less obvious opening.
I can think of a hundreds of structures for an improvised verbal openening - and I've tried them all. But let me share with you my favorite form of the verbal Opening:
The Blank Mind Opening.
Blank Mind Opening is exactly what it sounds like: I clear my mind completely and approach a woman - and then say the very first thing that comes to my mind.
I highly recommend you to experiment with the Blank Mind Opening - you'll be amazed at what clever and witty (and sometimes incredibly goofy) things will come out of your mouth!
Kino + verbal Opening begin the first phase of escalation: Neutral. The Neutral phase of escalation is often wrongly called "Platonic".
It might be irrelevant here, but the term "Platonic Love" comes from Plato's famous philosophical dialog "Symposium" (A MUST reading for any thinking person). In that dialog Plato gives probably the only definition of love in the history of human thought that can be considered as valid. Platonic Love is the complete realization of the unity of souls between the two human beings, in which they both perceive God in each other. This kind of love means complete trust, complete self- sacrifice, complete compassion, complete mutual belonging, and it can occur between two people of any gender as sexual partners or friends. So in the state of Platonic Love sex is an option but not a requirement, therefore essential y the Platonic Love can either take a form of deepest friendship or deepest romantic relationship. Therefore, the Platonic Love is the highest achievable form of friendship AND sexual love equally, the absolute form of love achievable in the material world, and as you can see, it has nothing to do whatsoever with a situation when the two people hardly know each other and make small talk. That's why I'm absolutely against calling the first phase of Escalation "Platonic". It's Neutral, okay? :-)
During the first moments of the Neutral phase the structure of conversation is usually the least important consideration for me. There's still the inertia of the opening that propels the interaction forward, and it's more than common that for a few moments I get to answer the questions from the set. They are always smal talk kind of questions: "Where are you from?", "What brought you here tonight?", "How do you like the place?" etc. If no one in the set asks me those questions, I ask them. And it's also from the very moment I open I begin to use every opportunity to Disqualify myself - eagerly sharing my vulnerabilities and gaining respect for that. I'm going to continue doing it throughout the interaction.
That's why the Neutral phase is extremely important. It's like a graceful dance, when everyone knows that the talk is quite empty, and yet we talk about weather etc. because on the nonverbal level we are taking time to get used to each other. However, I do not want to get stuck in the Neutral phase. I do my best to keep it very short. That's why I imperceptibly move to asking them very light open-ended questions, and initiate the Question - Answer - Statement structure of the conversation. This structure will continue throughout the whole interaction.
There's one important open-ended question I always ask a woman during the Neutral phase of the escalation if she seems to be on her own. I ask this question because I want her to know I'm not going to make her uncomfortable by being impolite to her companions if they happened to step away for a few minutes. I call it the "Guardian question": "Who are you here with?"
Finally I arrive to the point when a woman I speak with makes a commitment to the interaction by revealing a significant bit of the unique personal information for the first time. And this is when I place the Second Turning Point of Escalation: Statement of Approval. Statement of Approval is, quite simply, the very first significant verbal Reward that I give to a woman. In fact, I've been Rewarding her lightly earlier, and every verbal Reward I will make afterwards will also be a statement of approval, but I call this one the Statement of Approval with the capital letters because it's the very first Reward for the unique personal information a woman has revealed for the first time, and when I Reward her for it, my Reward becomes a Turning Point of Escalation - it increases the speed with which I build the rapport. Statement of Approval begins the second phase of Escalation: Personal.
During the Personal phase Kino is used to deepen the rapport.
From this moment on, I ask a woman series of increasingly personal open-ended questions, and apply the ful force of the second fundamental element of the Juggler Method: Reward/Relate (every now and then using the Push/Pull as an indirect Reward). And among my increasingly personal open-ended questions there's one I ask once in every interaction somewhere in first third of the Personal phase. It's a "Relationship Situation Question": What's your relationship situation?" There are several reasons for asking her: "What's your relationship situation?" One of them is that I am quite sure that there's a good probability of her currently being in a relationship. I want to be the one to bring up the topic in a positive way, otherwise she will do that a bit later negatively (as in "I have a boyfriend so let's just be friends"). I want her to realize that I am aware of the fact that she might have a boyfriend, and that I'm quite comfortable with it. This question also moves the conversation to the topic of the relationships. And it's very easy to make a transition from the topic of the relationship to the topic of human sexuality.
At some point she says or does something that I genuinely find sexy about her. This is when I place the third Turning Point of Escalation: the Statement of Intent (SOI). I tell her something like this: "I like the way you ... (whatever she has just said or done). I find it sexy about you!" I make sure I articulate the Statement of Intent in such a way that there's no doubts
whatsoever she had heard me. And I never hesitate to repeat it is she asks what was it that I just had said. All three words: "I', "you", and "sexy" must be there in one sentence. Use your imagination for now to fill in the blanks.
The SOI leads to one of the two possible outcomes. If a woman accepts it - if she reacts to it favorably in one way or another, or if she hides her reaction, which for me is a sign of acceptance - the rapport grows exponentially (the line shoots upward), creating the third phase of Escalation: Sexual.
During the Sexual phase the purpose of Kino is to give a woman physical pleasure, to make her feel good. A little back rub or neck rub, running fingers through her hair, caressing her tenderly anywhere she wants - now is the time for doing this. I go even more personal with my open-ended questions and my Reward/Relate statements during the Sexual phase of the
Escalation. I ask her questions about sex - and I'd like you to warm up with the idea of talking with me openly and unapologetically about human sexuality.
At this point I have to come up with a convenient reason to either move the woman away from the group of her friends - or move her friends away from the woman. And there are a few more important things I do here. I build up sexual tension by creating Sexual Barriers. I impose certain obstacles between me and her - surmountable obstacles, to be sure.
Something that seems to prevent us from getting physically closer. This tactic makes a woman want to overcome the obstacles, and she begins to be very active in the escalation.
Essentially the Sexual Barriers tactic is a form of Push/Pull in which the Push is designed in such a way that a woman does her own Pulling. By creating an obstacle I give her a powerful motivation to work on eliminating that obstacle. The barrier I create has to give her an option of climbing over. May be even with a little ladder propped against it somewhere in clear view.
1. And finally we arrive to the desired destination: Close. There are various forms of Closing:
2. A number Close - I hand her my cel phone ("Here"), wait until she takes it, and tel her "I want your phone number") 3. An email close: ("Got a pen and a paper? Wait, I think I do. Here, write your email address please")
4. A kiss Close ("Close your eyes!" - she complies, knowing exactly what's coming - I kiss her)
5. An instant date Close ("I'm hungry. Let's walk and find a pizza place nearby. We can sit there for a while and get to know each other better!")
7. Two or more of the above together.
One important thing about the Close is that I always stay with a woman for some time after I closed her - and build more rapport. If I don't stick around more, she might think I was only talking to her to "score".
And another important thing - whatever Turning Point I make - Open, SOA, SOI - and especially in the Close - I say and do things casually, nonchalantly, not making a big deal out of them. The less "special" I make my Statement of Intent, for example, or request for a phone number - the higher is the probability for me to get what I want.
And that's the entire structure of the Juggler Method Escalation for you.
I know it might sound somewhat complicated, but when you see it in practice you'l be amazed how easy it is. And the most important principle of the Juggler Method is this: it's all about having fun.
Chapter 6
There is a notion, unfortunately too popular among many courtship instructors, that in order to master any new skills a man has to get out of his comfort zone. I would not argue with people who hold such opinion, because the opinion of any person is based on the lifetime of experience that particular person had collected, and by pronouncing them wrong I would invalidate the entire lives of those guys.
I however hold a different opinion based on my own experience of teaching various skills - from music to martial arts to creative writing to motorcycling.
I think it is almost impossible to really master any new skill if a student has to deal with the formidable feeling of being out of the comfort zone AND at the same time with the task of mastering the new skill .
That's why I teach differently.
Stay in your comfort zone so you can master the new skill. Let me give you an example.
Elegant conversational structure is at the very core of the Juggler Method. There is much more to courtship than just words, but verbal part is important.
You can practice and total y master it without getting out of your chair. Go to one of the popular romance chat rooms - for example, on AOL or Yahoo. There are sites like Twenties Love, Thirties Love, and so on. I personally find online conversations with forty- and fifty-something women more enriching, because those women have a lot of emotional experience, and a hell of a lot more sense of humor than some younger chicks, but the choice is yours of course.
When you feel like doing it, invite such woman to exchange instant messages with you. And then practice every element of the conversational structure by having a nice, deep, emotional y meaningful online conversation with her. There are several benefits to such interaction:
1. You do not have to battle nervousness;
2. You can always have a justification for delaying your response, and thus can come up with the best open ended question or best way to Reward/Relate;
3. There is no commitment;
4. Nothing really romantic is very likely to come out of it, so there is no agenda aside from having a good conversation;
5. You can practice one conversational element at a time. You can dedicate entire conversation to Disqualification; Push-Pull; Relating; Open-ended questions, Rewarding, and so on;
6. Getting used to having no agenda over the Internet gives you a habit of having no agenda in a bar or coffee shop;
7. You can learn how to escalate very well without having a responsibility of having a relationship;
8. You can become really good at exchanging Internet messages with women - a very useful skill to have, especially considering that phone text messaging becomes increasingly popular, and verbally it's identical to Internet
messaging;
Such method of learning the conversational structure will make you so good at the art of conversation that when you practice the Juggler Method later in a nightclub or a bookstore al the best things to say will come to your mind
automatically and effortlessly, and you will be able to completely focus on the nonverbal skills - and stay in the comfort zone while doing that.
Your mastery of the conversational structure of the Juggler Method will become your comfort zone for the practice of the nonverbal elements. In this way, you will learn the entire method without ever feeling uncomfortable.
There is another option I would like to introduce to you. I can teach you in-depth every conversational technique of the Juggler Method over the Internet through the series of Virtual Training® sessions. Gmail is very convenient for such form of teaching and learning because it saves all the chats automatically and you will be able to re-read every session as many times as you find necessary to ingrain each technique into your brain. It takes about 8 hours to make all the techniques active and automatic. And you won't have to leave your chair and come to New York to meet me. You may be in Kenya
and stil learn the entire conversational part of the method.
Please contact me if you feel you might be interested in learning the Juggler Method from me via Virtual Training® sessions. [email protected]
But just in case you cannot afford private coaching with me, which is quite expensive actually, in the next part of this book I'll provide you with the examples of my Virtual Training sessions with a private client who agreed to make those sessions public. His real name is replaced with a pen name for privacy sake. And I know that perhaps I am undermining my commercial success by publishing those sessions... but then again, perhaps I am not, because the personality of every client I have worked with was completely unique, and one can only get the basics from the specific challenges faced by "Patrick" from the next six chapters. It is my strong belief that no matter how good one can be with teaching oneself from a book, nothing really can replace a one-on-one coaching with a competent instructor.
Yes, I consider myself very competent.
(Do I make it too obvious that I'm doinmg vicious marketing here?)
And yet, I would like you to judge for yourself. Please be prepared for a bit of mental effort. So...
Part II
Virtual Training Chapter 7
DIMITRI: What's up? PATRICK: Shall we begin?
DIMITRI: Hm, I like the way you grab the bull by the horns. I'm like this too. When I ride my motorcycle I never start in the first
gear, I always take off in the second. How often have you ridden a motorcycle? (This was an example of "Reward-Relate" statement + next open-ended question)
PATRICK: I am not as cool as you are. I have a moped - it's only 50 cc! Not very exciting but it gets me around town! DIMITRI: Wow dude! Great Disqualification! I knew you were a Natural in disguise! (By the way, I've just Rewarded you). PATRICK: The fact that that was a DQ didn't occur to me till you told me it was one! Still, I shouldn't get a big head about it! :-)
DIMITRI: That was another great Disqualification. We're getting somewhere, and we're getting there fast! Anyway, here's the deal. Let us establish the rules.
PATRICK: Dude, I am a bit confused about DQ...
DIMITRI: I think you are rather good at it though. You have just Disqualified again! I mean, "I am a bit confused about DQ" is a DQ. :-)
PATRICK: Okay... But what about just accepting a compliment like a confident person by saying, simply, "Thank you" ? DIMITRI: Precisely Patrick, that's exactly what you do. Thank you for pointing out to me that Disqualification has to begin with "thank you". I tend to explain that stuff rather unsystematically... (What I just did was the proper full Disqualification, beginning with "thank you", as you had suggested!)
Okay... first things first... We shall talk more about Disqualification in due time...
Now the rules. Please do not interrupt me for a while and just read what I am about to write, okay? There is no strict format
for our dialog. I am going to say whatever comes to my mind, and I encourage you to say whatever comes to yours. Every time I notice a specific Juggler Method conversational pattern that you use naturally without realizing that it belongs to the Juggler Method, I will point it out to you. In fact, practically everything you say belongs to the Juggler Method, so all I have to do is to assign labels so you can recognize those patterns in your own speech.I am also going to give you certain simple tasks during our dialog. Then I will comment on how you fulfill the tasks. I will also give you the examples of how I would fulfill
the same tasks - and I will point out some of my own conversational patterns - just like I already did with the Disqualification in the beginning of our conversation. Deal?
PATRICK: Okay.
DIMITRI: Great. Now, you already know what open-ended questions are all about. So please ask me an open-ended question.
PATRICK: Okay... here comes... What did you do at the weekend that was fun?
DIMITRI: I think after we talked on the phone last time you invested some considerable effort into practicing the art of asking open-ended questions... or you are just catching on very quickly. Either way I respect that about you. It was a damn good open-ended question!
PATRICK: Wow! Thank you!
ended question: I was in a car with a friend, we were driving through a snowstorm. Now I want you to reward me for giving you this little bit of personal information.
PATRICK: Okay. Here's my reply: "Wow, that sounds scary! You're brave!"
DIMITRI: Very good! Perfect Reward! Now I would like you to Relate to my experience by sharing with me your own that is similar in some way.
Wow Patrick, this is the mama of all awkward pauses. Dude, you suck at Relating! PATRICK: LOL
DIMITRI: I am kidding, you are cool, give me a hug.
What I just did is called a Push/Pull. Please go ahead with relate part of the statement.
PATRICK: I've never driven in a snow storm, but I once got caught out in one, on top of a mountain while skiing in the Alps. It was really scary because I had fallen and twisted my knee, and my ski didn't come off.
DIMITRI: Patrick, I'm really amazed at how quickly you are progressing. This was a wonderful Relating! I am especially glad that you have shared your emotions: "that was scary"! It is so great you did that! It is just what you need to do!
PATRICK: Was that a Reward?
DIMITRI: Well, yes, it was, and I am glad you have pointed it out. As I've said to you before, you are catching on very quickly. And yet I was perfectly sincere. You see, the Rewarding and Relating are quite sincere things. We do those things anyway, we just usually are not particularly aware of doing them. Awareness is what we work on now. By the way, this entire dialog we are having now will be available for you on gmail - it's automatically archived.
PATRICK: Cool!
DIMITRI: Ready for the second round? PATRICK: Ready, steady, GO!
DIMITRI: I really like the way you project emotions even over the instant messenger. this is exactly the skill we work hard to develop in our clients, and you already have that. Okay, ask me a small open-ended question.
PATRICK: How was your day?
DIMITRI: Yes, that is exactly what I hoped to receive. Perfect question. Here's my answer: it was a very tough day. I got into 4 arguments with 4 close friends. Now I would like to be Rewarded.
PATRICK: How do I reward something like that?!
DIMITRI: Exactly my point, you have to be able to reward anything. This is how I would do it, please pay attention. PATRICK: Hmm! Okay.
DIMITRI: "Wow Dimitri, you are really fair to your friends! Four friends - four arguments. No one was left out. I like that about
you!" (The last line is optional).
PATRICK: That's genius dude! I love it! I would never be able to just come up with things like that! How do you think that stuff up on the spot?
DIMITRI: Hahahaha! You are funny! PATRICK: Why?!
DIMITRI: Well, just take a look.
"That's genius dude! I love it!" - This was the Reward.
"I would never be able to just come up with things like that!" - This was Relating through Disqualification. (Because in fact Disqualification can be used as one of the ways to Relate).
"How do you think that stuff up on the spot?" - this was your next open-ended question. Cool open-ended question, too! We're definitely getting somewhere.
PATRICK: But I'm actually asking YOU! Not the imaginary woman!
DIMITRI: That's the whole point dude, I am teaching you how to talk to real people! Why would I teach you to talk to imaginary women? This would be actually scary... No, the true Juggler Method is natural, it just happens, that's what we are practicing! And that's the answer to your question, too!
PATRICK: I think I got it!
DIMITRI: I think so, too. Good boy. I knew you had it in you. I'm like that myself: a boy genius. PATRICK: LOL! Was that a Reward/Relate thingy?
DIMITRI: YES.
PATRICK: Cool. I see what you mean now.
DIMITRI: Okay. Let's wrap it up for now on the high point. Here's the assignment for you. I would like you to read our dialog again when you have time, just to refresh it in your mind and to see what exactly we have been practicing together.
PATRICK: Yep!
DIMITRI: Good. Same time tomorrow. PATRICK: Definitely.
DIMITRI: Over and out. PATRICK: Ten-four. Chapter 8
DIMITRI: Ready? PATRICK: Oh yes.
DIMITRI: Question, please?
PATRICK: It's really dark out there... were you afraid of the dark when you were a kid?
DIMITRI: Nope, it's not an open-ended question. You will get a "yes" or "no" answer to the one you've asked, and that will be the end of the conversation. My answer is "No". Rephrase it.
PATRICK: When were you most afraid of the dark when you were a kid?!
DIMITRI: Aside from two "when" in one sentence, this is something I can work with. Okay, I remember something. I hated porridge when I was in the nursery school. One day the nurses put me into a dark room to force me to eat that disgusting stuff. I felt insulted because they were stronger and could do that to me. That's the closest I got to being afraid of the dark. (Now I want to be Rewarded).
PATRICK: Here comes. And it didn't break you! You're a tough cookie! DIMITRI: PERFECT! Stop here, no more Rewards.
PATRICK: That's kind of sexy actually!
DIMITRI: LOL! Well, you can SOI if you want, but... for now your SOI has to contain "I", "you" and "sexy" in one sentence... "I
find your unbreakable spirit sexy", this sort of thing. PATRICK: Yep, I remember...
DIMITRI: Okay, you're getting good at Rewarding, I want you to be able to Relate. So before we go on with the next
question, I want you to relate to my answer - BY TELLING ME IN A VERY CONCISE WAY ABOUT YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE OF
BEING A TOUGH COOKIE - not about you not wanting to eat porridge, and not necessarily related to your childhood. PATRICK: Okay.
DIMITRI: Well?
PATRICK: I'm thinking dude! DIMITRI: WOW!
I'm just kidding. Go ahead, think. I like that about you. (That was a Push/Pull) PATRICK: Okay, cool - PP another time!
DIMITRI: Deal.
PATRICK: One time I almost had to quit one of my Master's courses because the lecturer was really bad - wel I did quit and then I battled the college to get the fees back. It took months of letters and pain, but eventually the president admitted that the teacher wasn't qualified to teach and refunded me the fees! Jesus, it was awful Relating.
DIMITRI: You're getting really good at disqualifying yourself... kinda scary actually... No, your Relating wasn't bad at all. Here's a few "routines" for you, memorize them.
PATRICK: Maybe I'm just not a tough cookie! DIMITRI: Hey! Stop the DQ! :-)
PATRICK: What?! Routines?! In JM?! I'm shocked!
DIMITRI: Yeah... Welcome to the real world... this is Daaaaark Juggler Method. So here comes: 1. Yeah... I know exactly what you mean...
2. I'm like that, too...
3. I can (totally, absolutely, positively, etc.) relate to that... 4. I know where you're coming from...
5. I feel your pain...
6. Yes, it's like this with me too... ...and so on.
PATRICK: I get the idea!
experience... Makes the connection between Rewarding and Relating much smoother. Makes sense so far? PATRICK: Absolutely.
DIMITRI: This kind of sentence, for example: "I know just what you're talking about" follows the Reward. it becomes the beginning of the Relate part.
PATRICK: Yes, I understand!
DIMITRI: It means we're done for today! Please make sure to re-read this dialog when you have a few free minutes, and refresh in your mind what you have learned. Talk later!
PATRICK: Will do! Bye! Chapter 9
PATRICK: Dimitri, you there? DIMITRI: Yep! Ready? PATRICK: Yep! DIMITRI: Shoot the Q.
PATRICK: What is it like to live in New York?
DIMITRI: It's maddening. A lot of work. I just had to hang up on my girlfriend because I had no time to talk to her, and believe you me, she's not happy about it. (Reward me).
PATRICK: You are such a hardworking man - I respect that about you! DIMITRI: Good. Now Relate.
PATRICK: I know where you're coming from – I am a student and have to study hard most of my time. DIMITRI: Good. Next question - more personal. (Make it connected to your last statement by the topic).
PATRICK: You’ve mentioned your girlfriend. What do you think are the most important things to look for in a partner? DIMITRI: This is only my opinion, I might be wrong. Things like beauty of the soul, self-sufficiency, love, reason, adventurous
spirit, idealism. IDEALISM! (R/R)
PATRICK: Wow! I can see that you are a very deep person with very high standards. I find it really attractive! I feel where you're coming from - I think it's the most amazing feeling when you meet someone who has this "beauty of the soul" that you're talking about. I met one of them in the Himalayas in Nepal – and she was so adventurous - it was so much fun! I'm such an idealist too! If I had my way, we'd all live in Heaven!
DIMITRI: Supercool. Next question. Deeper, related to one of your last topics.
PATRICK: Really? Was that good? It feels like I'm just saying what you want to hear, no? Is that the idea?
DIMITRI: You are making me want to build rapport with you. That's a little odd because I know what you are doing, but I do feel much friendlier toward you because of the last exchange! So keep going. The idea is you have to be yourself.
PATRICK: What would you do if you could click your fingers and have your ideal life just happen right now?
DIMITRI: Hmmm... the structure of your question prompts me to say "I would click my fingers" - because you could have put it better - but I know what you mean. I would be flying over Atlantic Ocean in a skycar created by Dr. Moller. (R/R) And keep going without my prompting.
PATRICK: That's amazing - you're such a dreamer! It all sounds so romantic. And you have that spirit of the explorer thing going on too - I'm very much the same - I read a book about the Apollo Astronauts when I was 15 and wanted to be one ever since. I dreamed about what it would be like to be walking on the moon, looking out at the endless blackness and the crescent Earth hanging there... just like Jim Lovell's daydream in Apollo 13.
DIMITRI: Very good. Let's keep going QAS and escalate me until you find something sexy in what I say, then I want you to SOI.
PATRICK: QAS is question answer statement, yeah? DIMITRI: But how IN BLAZES, Holmes?!
PATRICK: What?!
DIMITRI: Which is another way of saying, yes, you got it right. QAS means question-answer-statement. Duh!
PATRICK: Should I go deeper with a topic already talked about or go on to another you mentioned that I haven't asked you about yet?
DIMITRI: Change the topic entirely.
PATRICK: Sorry about QAS - I only realized it was a stupid question after I sent it...
PATRICK: Apology accepted! :-) Only joking - I deserved it!
DIMITRI: Okay, so I see I do not have to explain about the Push/Pull anymore, looks like you got it. Took you only three days to catch on. Just kidding, good job, keep on going. (That was a Push/Pull, too).
PATRICK: Dimitri, I take my apology back. You really are a jerk. :-) DIMITRI: I concur.
PATRICK: I’m just kidding, you’re a cool guy, now give me a hug!
DIMITRI: You didn’t even have to say you were kidding, etc., because the smile is already a Pull.
PATRICK: Gotcha. Okay, so how did you feel when you've been with someone in the past who made you feel some of the things we've been talking about?
DIMITRI: Too vague. Focus the question. Make it more specific
PATRICK: How did you feel in the past when you were in a relationship that made you really feel love and fulfillment? DIMITRI: This question is quite confusing because it's a bit too long, and because the verb "feel" is used twice. Rephrase it to make it shorter.
PATRICK: What did it feel like to be in love?
DIMITRI: YES! THAT'S THE ONE! I love this question.
PATRICK: But doesn’t asking it mean that I don't know the answer and therefore that I've never been in love and therefore that I'm undesirable?
DIMITRI: No. It means you want to know how it felt in my experience. So, I was in love only once. And I felt that being in love
made me suddenly incredibly wise. I kept it secret and somehow it made me feel like a hero. Nothing else mattered. PATRICK: But I can't honestly relate, because I've never been in love! Make it up?
DIMITRI: You've just related though! Only you did it in the advanced way. It is called “Anti-Relating”. "I can't relate to feeling in love because I had never been in love" is one of the most powerful ways to relate – sincerity is the key! Great job man! PATRICK: So what? Am I a genius? :-)
DIMITRI: You are, quite simply, a Natural Seducer, buddy. In the best possible sense of the words. PATRICK: I am laughing.
DIMITRI: Okay, break til later. Re-read the chat in your Gmail archive so you can refresh what you’ve learned. Be cool. PATRICK: I will. You too.
DIMITRI: Can’t be anything but, can I? Chapter 10
DIMITRI: Ask me a small open-ended question, and proceed from there. PATRICK: What's your favorite kind of music?
DIMITRI: It can be classical or not, but it has to be ecstatic. On the other hand, now that I think of it, I love serene music, too. It has the other form of ecstasy in it. I guess what I'm saying is I relate to sincere emotions in music.
PATRICK: Exactly! It doesn't matter whether it's a piano concerto or a Rolling Stones concert. I love that you get it! I really know what you mean. Who cares if it's a Les Paul or a Steinway Concert Grand! What were you listening to the first time music made you cry?
DIMITRI: I do not remember the first time. I have some very vague hint of recollection, but it is almost completely in the fog. I do remember listening to a singer whose voice sounded like my father’s. My relationship with my father at that period was somewhat cold, and hearing that singer's recording suddenly made me cry.
PATRICK: Well it's good to express your emotions. It's actually very courageous to be able to do that. I find that real y attractive. I definitely can relate to what you're saying.. at my Grand Uncle's funeral my Mother's choir sang Va Pensiero by Verdi. Every time I hear it now, I feel ...an indescribable joy and sadness at the same time.
DIMITRI: Your RR is very good - almost. "Well it's good to express your emotions. It's actually very courageous to be able to do that." would be a perfect reward - but you made it impersonal, as if you're talking not about me, but in general.
Rephrase it to include "I" and "you".
PATRICK: Wel I think it's great that you can express your emotions. I think you are very courageous to be able to do it. DIMITRI: Yes, that's the best! Continue.
PATRICK: Am I aiming for SOI here? DIMITRI: If that’s what you want, yes.
PATRICK: When was the last time you got totally lost in a book?
DIMITRI: A while ago. To be honest with you, and I feel ashamed to admit it, I rarely get lost in the intellectual kind of stuff. Last time I got lost in something it was probably Harry Potter part 6. Promise not to laugh.
PATRICK: Sorry. I can't promise. DIMITRI: Good Push.
PATRICK: Just kidding. Come here, give me a hug! Was that a Pull? DIMITRI: Yes!
PATRICK: Good - I get it now. :-)
DIMITRI: It's not the only form of push-pull obviously; I'm just giving you a primitive example, easy to understand. In most cases you don't have to do the Pull part - your smile and friendly vibe do it! In “The Departed" Matt Damon’s character
does it several times. His character’s Push/Pull technique is not particularly subtle, and I wouldn’t call that character an
overwhelmingly sincere guy, but when the technique is obvious, it sometimes easier to learn it. Anyway, let’s proceed from Harry Potter 6.
PATRICK: Okay. That's cool that you still have a little kid in you somewhere! I love that about you - so cute. But yeah, I know exactly what you mean, I feel bad sometimes that I can't focus on the tough topics – and yet I have no problems browsing through comic books! I enjoy them! Damn it, this doesn’t bring me any closer to an SOI!
DIMITRI: Well, you could have just said: “That's cool that you still have a little kid in you somewhere! I find it incredibly sexy about you!” or “That's cool that you still have a little kid in you somewhere! For some reason it totally turns me on now... you better stop doing it!” even though the later example strikes me as a little cheesy.
Okay, let me give you a little more theory. There are certain obligatory questions you want to ask in the beginning of the interaction. Together they are called "information gathering ". We talked about that on the phone – remember?
PATRICK: Yes, you told me two or three before - any more? DIMITRI: "Who are you here with?"
"How do you guys know each other?" "What are your plans for later tonight?" "What's your relationship situation?"
"How early do you have to wake up tomorrow?" "Who's driving you home?"
"How far do you live?"
etc. This sort of questions. When you begin the interaction, you have a choice. You can make small talk, or make
something that seems like smal talk but helps you to figure out the social situation. Obviously the latter is better. That's why all the “information gathering” questions information must be asked very early in the interaction - instead of saying things like "How do you like this bar?" and "What's the best thing about living in New York?" So - ASK THOSE QUESTIONS! PATRICK: Good point. I get it
DIMITRI: That’s it for now. You’re making incredibly rapid progress. I really like that about you. PATRICK: Thanks, but you never know, I might slow down as rapidly.
DIMITRI: Shut up. :-) (Push/Pull) Okay, you better get some rest and re-read this dialog later. Bye. PATRICK: I will. Bye!
Chapter 11
PATRICK: Any tips on how to ask better questions? DIMITRI: Yours are very good.
PATRICK: Specifically opening questions?
DIMITRI: How about "What's your name?" - "Who are you here with?" - "What are you plans for later tonight?" - "Who's driving
you home?"
PATRICK: Hi, I'm Patrick, what's your name?
DIMITRI: I'm Dimitri, pleasure meeting you! REWARD ME!
PATRICK: What? You haven't answered yet? I didn't receive your answer.
DIMITRI: “I'm Dimitri, pleasure meeting you!” - That's the answer to your question: "What's your name?" REWARD ME! PATRICK: It's great to meet you too - I like your friendly vibe!
DIMITRI: Bril iant. You did the reverse structure: Relate/Reward - but it's perfectly fine. Now begin gathering information: "Who are you here with?” - etc.
PATRICK: So who are you here with, Dimitri?
DIMITRI: Good. I'm actually on my own here. REWARD/RELATE!
PATRICK: That's cool – no let me change that. I think it's great that you feel comfortable enough with yourself to hang out on your own - so many people don't - but I guess you're just a confident person. I like that about you - I find it sexy actually :-)
DIMITRI: Good! RELATE! (Talk about your self-reliance, not in a bar).
PATRICK: I know where you're coming from... sometimes I find it refreshing to just get away from the group - and go out exploring on your own. I went backpacking around the world on my own for that very reason!
DIMITRI: Perfect. Now Push/Pull me in any way you want. Just for the heck of it! PATRICK: I bet you're really arrogant too - confident people are like that sometimes... DIMITRI: Very good! Great Push. Now how would you Pull me?
PATRICK: :-) ?
DIMITRI: Yes, exactly – smile is a Pull. Now Disqualify.
PATRICK: Actually, there were times when I felt really lonely and so not confident when I was traveling alone that I would just sit in a bar on my own and drink and wish I could work up the courage to go talk to some of the other backpackers there...
DIMITRI: Great. Here's another conversational structure for you: placing Sexual Barriers. PATRICK: Yeah - that's after the SOI, right?
DIMITRI: Yes it is! Let me give you an example I heard from one of my instructors during the Charm School I took as a client. It’s a little too “by the book”, but it is simple, and therefore good for our purposes: "I wish I could cover your whole body with kisses... but we're in a bar and your friends are staring..." I would like you to use this example as a model and give me your own, totally original version of the Sexual Barrier.
PATRICK: I feel so connected to you right now - I just want to grab you and kiss the hel out of you, but may be we shouldn't - we're in a public venue - it wouldn’t be very appropriate.
DIMITRI: Dude, you rock! Okay, I'm outta here. Bye! PATRICK: Okay, thanks amigo! :-)
Chapter 12
PATRICK: Good day my friend! What's the story? DIMITRI: Fixing a wrecked bike.
PATRICK: You're a mechanic, too? A multi-talented person! I can't real y relate to that - I'm not particularly amazing at anything. Can I combine DQ with relate like that?
DIMITRI: Yes you can. You may also add something along these lines: “I like that a lot about you – “ (Or rephrase it in any way you want). It is important to focus the reward by making your feelings very clear.
PATRICK: Yeah - I was too vague.
DIMITRI: For example, you met my friend Rob Overman, right? PATRICK: Man, that guy is a lion in the field.
DIMITRI: Agreed. So Rob’s “It tells me a lot about your personality" - focuses the reward in a subtle way. Keep going, next question.
PATRICK: What's your relationship situation? DIMITRI: I love this question!
PATRICK: I can tel !
DIMITRI: Well, I share the apartment with my lover, and I try to be loyal to her, I really do, only it doesn’t work. I have an on- and-off relationship with another woman, and something tells me this second relationship is about to be over soon. I am also courting a young and very innocent Russian girl, and I have no idea where this will take me, but I want to explore it because I like her. My romantic life is a mess.
PATRICK: Wow! Well, it certainly seems like you have an exciting love life - you're adventurous and like to explore sexuality -
because I don't have multiple lovers!
DIMITRI: Okay Patrick, let’s stop for a moment. You did everything perfectly well, including the SOI, only I would like you to be able to create longer escalation so you can really connect through emotions before you make you SOI. So let me
explain something to you. PATRICK: I'm all ears.
DIMITRI: Great. So, escalation -- PATRICK: I mean, eyes.
DIMITRI: Hm…Escalation has two important aspects, and both of those aspects have something to do with emotions. Or may be I should say Escalation has quite a few important aspects, but out of al of them we are going to consider only two
now. One of them is Relating to her emotions by telling her about your experience of the same emotions. The second aspect of the escalation is a little trickier.
PATRICK: Ok, what is it?
DIMITRI: A woman makes a decision to have sex with a man based on certain emotions she experiences. These emotions are the obligatory condition for her to make that choice. If she does not experience certain specific motions, sex is not likely to happen. Are you with me so far?
PATRICK: Yes.
DIMITRI: So the conclusion is this. If you want a woman to have sex with you, you must give her the emotions you want her to experience, in a certain sequence. You must hand her these emotions on a platter.
PATRICK: Ah... How do I do that? And what is the sequence?
DIMITRI: Well, there are several channels for transferring the emotional states. (By the way, a lot of this material comes from my friend Javier, who is a great dancer and a great expert in psychology). I explain about some of the state-inducing
channels during my private coaching sessions. Unfortunately, I would not be able to teach you these techniques very well in this chat, because I would have to show you how I do that. But to give you an example of such channels, you can convey the emotion via the tone of your voice, or through your body language.
PATRICK: I think I understand what you mean. But how would I convey excitement to a woman if I'm not really excited - fake it?
DIMITRI: If you must - yes. FAKE IT! Let me explain about faking it. God is perfect, human beings are not. No matter how hard you try, you cannot be 100 percent successful in anything. You may be 95 percent successful, but there will always be a little bit of failure in each of your success. Don't ever beat yourself up if you are 95 percent sincere because it's the maximum you can achieve.
PATRICK: Okay, point taken.
DIMITRI: And you shouldn’t beat yourself up either if you're 35 percent sincere (usually referred as "faking it") - because we all have good days and bad days.
Well?
PATRICK: What?!
DIMITRI: This was the MAJOR bit of wisdom, wasn’t it? PATRICK: Which part? I am lost.
DIMITRI: Forget it. No more questions, back to the lesson.
PATRICK: Ah yes. This thing that you said about being 35 percent sincere and not beating myself up – I really liked it about you. It told me a lot about your personality!
DIMITRI: Too late, dude. We’re now enemies forever. Anyway, you must give to a woman certain emotions in a certain sequence. Right now, being on the Instant Messenger, we're only dealing with "How to give her those emotions through words" - separate from the tone of voice and body language.
There are 4 ways of doing that 1. Direct question;
2. Indirect question; 3. Direct statement; 4. Indirect statement.
Examples of giving her the emotion of freedom:
1. Direct question: "When was the last time you felt perfectly free?"
2. Indirect question: "What was the last time something was so funny that you couldn't suppress your laughter and didn’t care if anyone was listening?”
3.Direct statement: "I feel free every time I breathe fresh air, because it reminds me that I quit smoking and am now free from the addiction! It’s a big thing for me!"
4. Indirect statement: “I feel great riding my motorcycle as fast as I can along the empty highway, not caring about anything in the whole world!"
Now - what would you like to ask me about the techniques I've just described? PATRICK: What is the difference between direct and indirect?
DIMITRI: You ask deep questions, my young disciple. In this case the difference is that when you are being indirect you DO NOT NAME the emotion you're giving to a woman. Instead, you describe how this emotion feels, without naming it. For example, instead of saying "I feel free", you describe freedom in some specific details. That's why I personally like indirect statements better. All 4 ways of conveying emotions are good, and yet I personally prefer DIRECT questions and INDIRECT statements. Also known as general questions and specific statements.
PATRICK: Why direct questions?
DIMITRI: Because if you ask her "In what situation did you feel the most relaxed?" - she has a great choice of situations to choose from as opposed to "How often do you take your time enjoying the hot tub?" But it’s my personal choice, you might like indirect questions better - I know many guys who are good with indirect questions.
PATRICK: Right - seems a little advanced for me at this stage - I'm still struggling with coming up with any question at all! DIMITRI: Good Disqualification! So, what emotions do we need to convey to a beautiful female stranger in order to have sex with her? Let me put you through a little Socratic questioning here.
PATRICK: Okay.
DIMITRI: So do you think a woman is more likely to have sex with you when she feels safe - or when she freaks out because she finds you creeeeeeepy?
PATRICK: The former I believe!
DIMITRI: Cool. So ask me a direct open-ended question that would make me feel safe. PATRICK: When was the last time you felt really, totally safe and protected?
DIMITRI: Good. This was rather simple, wasn’t it? Now ask me the INDIRECT question about the same emotion. PATRICK: So I just try to describe the emotion of safety without actually saying the word safe?
DIMITRI: Yes, that’s what you do.
PATRICK: When was the last time you felt like you completely forgot about all the pressures of the world - your job, traffic, kids, deadlines - all that stuff and just felt totally liberated and free? Oops, liberated and free is kinda the same thing. DIMITRI: Yep, and even though the question itself was very good, but it was a) Direct and b) About the emotion of freedom – not about safety.
PATRICK:Yeah, that was dumb! DIMITRI: Good Disqualification.
PATRICK: How did you feel when you were in the womb?
DIMITRI: Patrick, I believe you have just demonstrated the quality of a genius. Now make the direct statement along the lines of "I usually feel safe when –“
PATRICK: I feel so safe when I'm in the arms of someone who I care about - I think it's a wonderful feeling.
DIMITRI: Perfect. Now indirect statement along the lines of: "Yeah, I know what you mean. That's how I feel when I curl up in a ball in bed with a good book" (Followed by... "So... what do you like to do in bed?")
PATRICK: LOL!
DIMITRI: That was Rob's style. Very contagious.
PATRICK: Yeah, it's such a sweet feeling - I know why you like it. I love to just climb into bed and feel warm and listen to the wind blowing the rain against the window. Sometimes my cat jumps up on the bed and starts purring in my ear!
DIMITRI: BRILLIANT! So, she feels safe now. But there's safety - and safety. What would you choose - that she feels safe because she has karate black belt 12th level and can tear you in half with her bare hands - or because she feels friendly toward you?
PATRICK: The latter - what's your point?!
DIMITRI: My point is, “friendly” is a good emotion to hand to her. Direct question, please? PATRICK: What do you like to do with your best friend when you guys hang out?
DIMITRI: Very good! Now indirect question.
