Nuts-UK-2-May-2014-the-Final-Issue

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2 - 8 May 2014 www.nuts.co.uk

93NTS14018177.pgs 25.04.2014 07:31 BLACKYELLOWMAGENTACYAN

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FEATURES

➤ Letters

➤ Pub Ammo ➤ TV Guide

➤ Mayweather and Khan

➤ Kammy’s Column

➤ Adam Lallana

➤ Bedroom Babes

➤ Ten Rude Questions ➤ Ladies Confess

➤ Nuts’ final gift to the nation!

➤ Hippos vs crocodiles! ➤ Nuts stars in the brand new Carlsberg advert!

➤ A quick word with… Arnold Schwarzenegger

➤ New BMW Series 7 concept

➤ A quick word with… Sylvester Stallone ➤ New Russell Brand gags!

➤ Rude News

➤ “Just walking the eagle!”

➤ The A-Z of Nuts! ➤ Nuts Man vs the stars!

➤ Covers we wish we’d done! ➤ The final Nuts shoot, starring our sexiest cover girls!

prat!

Cheers,

chaps!

After ten years, 526 editions and a ton of fun, Nuts is saying ta-ra! Before we take a bow, though we’d like to thank Dead Crow Beers, Jägermeister, Domino’s, London Speaker Hire and WKD for our send-off bash. Most of all though, we want to thank you, our readers. None of this would’ve been possible without you. We hope you enjoy our final edition. Much love, gents. It’s been a blast. Over and out.

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Now that Nuts is

closing, we wondered what we’d do with our huge red wooden logo. Well, we figured that it was an iconic logo, a piece of art, and the Tate Modern is only over the road – so we wheeled it over.

With a team of delivery folk, including Kammy, Lucy Collett, Danni Orsi and Nuts

man Rich (and, erm, his baby daughter – to be honest, she didn’t help much) we arrived and were mobbed by tourists and Nuts fans. But when we offered the Tate’s staff the logo, they turned us down! We think they didn’t have room.

So, if anyone would like to give it a good home, it’s yours for the price of a van hire.

Nuts: a truly

classic work!

We deliver our iconic logo to Tate Modern

– the nation’s top modern art gallery!

“When you said you had new jobs delivering letters…”

Half an hour later, they finally released the handbrake

Modern Great!

W OR D S : R OR Y Buc k e R ID G e P hO T O S : e l l IS O ’B R Ie n 4

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The public

speaks!

Art lovers talk to Nuts! Phil

birmingham “That’s a bit harsh. I’m gutted. As a national icon, it should have pride of place.”

CoCkers

Preston “It’s clearly art. I’ve been in the Tate before and it’s all nonsense. This means something to people, it isn’t just a splat of paint on the floor.”

Hollie London “Who do they think they are? I’m outraged by their lack of taste.”

lauren austraLia “This is clearly an act of discrimination about notions and representations of male genitalia.”

“Shall we just leave these on the driveway, guv?”

The security lady was not impressed by our “But it’s art” argument!

Kammy rested his head against the tiny St Paul’s

LoGo LauGh!

“Goodbye Nuts. You shell be missed!”

Tim Vine

Ta-ra

Nuts!

Goodbye messages from our celebrity chums!

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Turf war!

Hippos take on

crocs like a muddy

West Side Story!

crocs vs h

_ippos!

Gerald thought twerking would be a good distraction Generally known as the grumpiest – and most dangerous – visitors to any African watering hole, hippos and crocs usually keep themselves to themselves. A bit like if Russia and China popped in for a Starbucks at the same time. But there was only one winner when these 100 or so hippos piled into a gang of crocs in a river at Zambia’s South Luangwa National Park, possibly crabby with the lizards for chowing down on one of their mates. The crocs showed a unified line of teeth and grump. And the hippos legged it, like the French in a war. Any war.

W OR D S : R OR Y BUC K E R ID G E p H O T OS : m a R C m O / m ER C U R Y p R E S S / C a T ER S

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“I know it’s got its knockers, but I always found Nuts a didactic and edifying publication. Good day!” Vic ReeVes

Ta-ra

Nuts!

Hippo and

croc facts!

● The name hippopotamus comes from the ancient Greek words hippos, meaning horse, and potamos, meaning river. Hence, hippopotamus equals river horse.

● Hippos feed at night

time, with adults consuming about 40kg of grass in one sitting. Given their size, their dietary intake is actually quite little.

● Crocodiles are able to swim at speeds of 25mph – that’s faster than Usain Bolt’s average speed when he broke the world 100m record – using only strokes of their tail for propulsion.

● Ninety-nine per cent

of all crocodile offspring don’t survive into adulthood, being consumed by large fish, herons, other crocodiles and various other predators.

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W O R D S : Ri ch P e lle y P h O t O S : S t u aR t a S h t O n 8

WITH THE STARS!

ian Wright, Jeff Stelling and Paddy McGuinness star in the ad as the ultimate football pundit, commentator and barman respectively. Where’s Paddy? he’s not here today. D’oh!

IN THE FINAl AdvERT!

after four hours of standing about, filming every shot from every conceivable angle, here we are in the final advert, behind the bloke in the V-neck. Blink and you’ll miss us!

lIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

We’ve no idea what this piece of equipment does, but there was a man standing behind it so it’s probably the camera. handy when you’re filming an advert!

dON’T dRINk THE BEER!

Don’t be fooled. that’s not actually carlsberg in there. it’s a pint of carlsberg with some added strange chemicals designed to keep a frothy head. um, cheers!

“You suck.” “No, you suck.” “No, you suck” “Anyone know if

this thing’s on?”

“If Carlsberg did gurning berks in stupid hats...” “Oi! Down in front!”

Nuts man in

Carlsberg’s

World Cup ad!

Watch as we hang about on

set – then get carted off!

With the

2014 FIFA World Cup kicking off on 12 June, Carlsberg have a new pro-England “Carlsberg Fan Squad” ad. In it, Ian Wright and Jeff Stelling transform a pub into the best boozer ever, complete with a wall-size TV screen, a ref who listens when you scream at him through the TV and loads of Carlsberg. And Nuts is in it…

● the carlsberg Fan Squad celebrates what’s great about being a fan. For the chance to be one of 1,000 england fans at the ultimate england experience at Wembley, visit Carlsberg

FanSquad.co.uk.

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THIS WAY FOR FACE PAINTING!

in spite of being repeatedly told not to because it would “effect continuity”, we still sneak in for a cheeky face-paint. Sorry, Scotland, the St andrew’s cross wasn’t available.

THAT’S NOT A REAl PUB!

the carlsberg advert’s set in a futuristic pub, specially built in a film studio in east london for the occasion. that’s the real ian Wright and Jeff Stelling though.

OI! OvER HERE!

trying to get our face in the final advert is trickier than it looks. there are extras everywhere. and apparently gurning idiots don’t help sell beer. time to “pipe down”, we’re told.

“ASkEd” TO lEAvE!

after six hours on set, it’s generally decided that we’ve outstayed our welcome, and are asked to leave. thanks, carlsberg! We’ve had a great day! anyone fancy a beer?

GETTING ON CAMERA!

Signing up to be a tV extra isn’t as glamorous as you may think. We stand in this queue for over an hour until any filming even starts. at least we get a free lunch!

“I only popped in to use the toilet”

“No, you can’t get on my shoulders”

Thumbs up who just farted

“Just a little lower. Ooh, that’s got it”

Nuts

_ber

k!

“Goodbyes are not forever,

goodbyes are not the end. they simply mean, ‘i’ll miss you until we meet again.’ What a load of old b*llocks – it’s over!” kAMMY

Ta-ra Nuts!

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Hi Arnie! Tell us about your new flick,

Sabotage…

I play a DEA agent who leads a special ops team stealing millions from a Mexican drug cartel. It’s directed by David Ayer, who brings as much reality to the screen as possible. It’s very different to my Hollywood films – a lot more gritty and dark.

What kind of training did you do for Sabotage?

We spent three months with the LA SWAT team so on set we could work together as a believable unit. The DEA handle firearms in a unique way, so we had to nail that and the way these special ops teams storm buildings and back each other up. It’s not just good guys killing bad guys – it’s kind of like ballet, the way they move in unison.

Your character John Wharton is a tortured soul. Is it hard to go home and relax after shooting intense scenes?

My character is consumed 24/7 by the fact that he’s lost his family. But hey, I’m Arnold. I just go home, work out, have dinner and prepare for the next day. It’s business.

You get busy pumping iron in the film. What’s your training regime like these days? What can you recommend?

Well, it’s not a documentary about my workout routines! The ideal thing is to aim for a total body workout – squats, calf-raises, the

abdominal work, the sit-ups, the leg raises and the shoulder, biceps and triceps exercises. It doesn’t matter what age you are, but to get that cardiovascular intensity you need to go from one exercise to the next without stopping. Reps, reps, reps… it’s all about reps!

Phew, sounds knackering! How did your co-stars cope with the rigours of filming?

They were all tough guys. It’s not about acting ballsy or spending a year getting in shape for the role. But Sam Worthington trained like a madman! He and Joe Manganiello were the real deal and did as many of their own stunts as possible. But don’t listen to actors who say they do all of their own stunts because the fact is that no production would ever get completed with all the injuries. It was fun to be part of such a great ensemble and took me back to the Predator days.

Do you have a lot of

memorabilia from back then?

I have the original Predator model in my office, different Terminators and the alligator from Eraser.

Wow! And you’ve got a tank…

I’m probably the only person who has an M47 Patton tank at home. I have a great time with it and use it for charity work. We just raised $1m for after-school programmes by crushing cars!

What else is lined up for you?

I didn’t plan to play Conan again, but I was honoured when Universal approached me to bring back one of the characters that made my career. I even learned to ride a horse for that movie!

And you’re going to do a film with Eddie Murphy…

I’ve been chasing a sequel to Twins for over 20 years, so it’s really exciting to be working with Danny DeVito again and teaming up with Eddie for Triplets.

Thanks, Arnie! Finally, we’ve heard rumours about new

Terminator film, Genesis.

Can you confirm you’ll return in righetous robotic form?

I loved playing that machine. Don’t worry… I’ll be back!

● Sabotage is in cinemas everywhere from 7 May.

A quick word

with Arnold

Schwarzenegger!

The actor on his new flm and owning a tank!

“ I raise money

for charity by

crushing cars!”

Arnie

In te r vI e w : D a n B r Ig h tM o r e P h o t os : B en B a k er /r eD u x , e y e v In e

“a great read and a great team. you’ll rise again, I’m sure. Bigger and better!” Bear Grylls

Ta-ra

Nuts!

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All new ostentatious luxury German style!

● Chaps, meet the BMW Vision Future Luxury. As you might have guessed, Beemer’s bosses are saying this flared-nostrilled exhibit is not a production car, but the long-wheelbase, liquid platinum bronze concept is a pointer of the brand’s future design themes. But we can presume that this will be the new 7 Series, or wind up as a seven-sized coupé (which will probably be called the 9 Series).

● “The design of the BMW

Vision Future Luxury is the messenger of our philosophy of modern luxury, one in which innovative technologies play a key and vital role,” says Beemer. Righto. But

it does bring design and tech to the table that we’re certain will end up on Beemers we’ll be buying in the near future.

● Starting with the fantastically slippery exterior design, the car is a four-door four-seater, but with a coupé-like roof line. The back doors open in the suicide style to reveal a big open space, as there’s no central roof pillar. Or door handles for that matter.

● Although the trademark

grille has swollen in size, the slash-cut laser slit headlights sit above air intakes that look like Sly Stallone’s mouth. And there are more futuristic air holes in the front wings behind the wheel arches, which chisel into the doors.

● Walk around to the back end and there are more air vents, which sit below frowning rear-light clusters. These rear-lights are OLEDs – wafer-thin organic semiconductor layers between two electrodes. It’s 400 times thinner than a human hair and doesn’t need reflectors, allowing more creativity with light shapes.

● There’s a scatter gun of

techni-cool going on in the cockpit. Materials include carbon, warm wood and even silk linings, plus a touch-screen tablet called the Rear

Seat Touch Command Tablet. This lets rear passengers play online and feel important – good for selling cars in China these days.

● The driver gets a new-gen heads up display, which projects info into your eyeline, like changes in speed limit and potential incoming hazards. The front passenger even gets a heads-up display, but for entertainment purposes. It’s bonkers, this future car thing. But we love it.

BMW’s 7

series concept!

United whisked Moyes off in style. Then off a cliff...

“I love it! Needs more pedals.” W Or D S : j O n n y S MI T h

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After the accident, car was embarrassed about the titanium plate “Taxi for Corden!”

B pillar had gone to Mercedes on a big money transfer

“heartbroken.” Harry Hill

Ta-ra

Nuts!

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He was about to embark on the world’s most obvious nose-pick In t e r v Ie w : r Ic h P e l l e y P h o t o s : e y e v In e , s c o P e

A quick word

with Sly Stallone!

to kill everyone! Don’t forget, I started as a serious writer and actor. I wrote every word of Rocky, but people assume I’m this huge muscle-head and I’m Rocky. People forget that there was only six minutes of boxing in the original Rocky – the rest was talking and acting.

Thanks, Sly! Would you ever do another Rambo or Rocky film?

I did love playing Rambo. I’d love to do another Rambo, but maybe only if he’s retired and he works in Las Vegas. Ha!

Is there anything you’d like to do in a movie that you haven’t?

I’m not sure. There’s not much more I can do in an action movie apart from explode. Ha!

How about doing a fitness DVD?

As long as I don’t have to wear spandex!

● The Expendables 3 is out in August.

Sly talks to us about Statham and spandex!

Hi Sly! The

Expendables 3 is due

later in the year. Who’s the biggest joker?

Probably Jason Statham. He always plays things straight, but off camera he’s full of smiles and jokes. He’s great. We have a great rapport.

So, will there be a future comedy Expendables?

Ha! Well, I think you’re going to see history made in the next Expendables. It’s not all bloody noses – there are some funny bits too.

We’ve interviewed your old arch-enemy Arnie on page 16. Did you really hate each other back in the ’80s?

We hated each other, but in a good way. You want to look for an adversary who makes you get up in the morning so you leave nothing on the table. If the director says, “Be there for 3am and it’s a 15-hour day,” you go, “OK, but only if it’s going to turn out better than Arnie’s movie!”

You starred opposite Robert De Niro in your last film,

Grudge Match. Did you play

“Who’s the better actor?”

When we were doing our first scene, I said, “Bobby, this is

the first time we’ve acted together and you’re terrible. I’m saying my lines, but I’m not believing anything you’re saying back to me. You’re just winging it. All those Oscars don’t seem to be helping.” And he said, “I thought you sucked too!” So we did wind each other up. But it was great working with Bobby because he’s the antithesis of who I am. He’s modest, quiet, and reserved and I’m not.

At your peak, you claimed to have only three per cent body fat. Aren’t you completely bored of the gym by now?

Pretty much! I’ve developed a real love-hate relationship with the gym. If you’re making a movie, you can’t train for five hours a day because your body would just break down. When I got down to three per cent body fat to play Rocky, I’d be sick for two weeks after we finished filming because my immune system was shot up.

Rumours are you were a bit of a diva back in the day…

You’re right. I was a diva. I abused power badly. I was an authority on everything. If you had a disease to cure, I’d tell you how to do it. If you wanted the history of movies, I’d tell you. I look back at some of the interviews I did and I wish I could go back and punch myself in the face!

Do you get frustrated at your rep as a “thuggish” actor?

Sometimes it doesn’t bother me, the next day I’m like, “Where do they live?” One day I think I’ve got it together, the next day I want

“I quite liked your Nuts. But my nuts have lasted longer.” James may

Ta-ra Nuts!

Sly’S

Still the

leader!

sly will reprise his role as leader Barney ross in The

Expendables 3.

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New Russell

Brand gags!

Fresh funnies from the silly-haired Lothario!

On

marriage!

[To audience member] “Is this your girlfriend? Wife, actually? Well done. I’ll move on now. Something

about marriage makes me edgy.”

● Russell Brand: Messiah Complex is out on DVD now

On celebrity!

“If there’s a cultural vacuum, we’ll always fill it. So what is filling this vacuum today? I could argue that it’s

the pantheon of celebrity, where we worship celebrities like gods. Now, I’m aware of some hypocrisy

because I’m a celebrity. I’m not moaning about a lifestyle that plucked me from poverty and obscurity and dropped me into a life that’s kind of like a tumble

drier filled with tits and money.”

On acting!

“I’m a very good actor and I refute the charges that I’m not and I’m always the same in whatever film I’m in, basically playing a version of myself with a hat on. Let’s put

that idea to bed right now.”

“No one can steer every question round to boobs like you. Good luck releasing those glamour models back into the wild.” Ross noble

Ta-ra

Nuts!

On scandal!

“I sometimes wonder what I can get accused of next. ‘Hey, did you hear about

Russell Brand?’ ‘No, what?’ ‘Apparently he’s going into supermarkets and w*nking

into yoghurts. He’s addicted to cock yoghurt! His thinks his balls

are a hairy dairy.’”

On

knowledge!

“Just because I know more stuff than you, doesn’t mean I’m better than you.

I’m just different from you, but in a way that’s better.”

On dying!

“I was reported to have died in a snowboarding accident. I freaked out when I read that. I thought,

‘Wow, the afterlife isn’t as good as I thought it would be. It’s basically the same as before. Just

me, Googling my own name.’”

p H o t o s : G e t t y I m A G e s , R e u t e R s 93NTS14018102.pgs 25.04.2014 12:33 BLACKYELLOWMAGENTACYAN

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Our final, brave dispatch from the frontline of lady affairs!

Alexa Vega

In The Tomorrow People Cards on the table: we’ve not caught episode one of this show. But as it seems to be essentially Hollyoaks in America, we’re changing our habits tout suite.

Rihanna

On Instagram

Last week, Rihanna joined in with “Weed Day”, which really is an actual thing. It’s not the international celebration of Rihanna day.

Joanna

Krupa

In Esotiq lingerie Joanna’s posing like expensive gold rings in a jewellery shop window. No price tag. If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

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Jenna

Jonathan

Sexy shoot for The Valleys Good grief! How did Jenna squeeze herself into that corset? Her waist is thinner than Serena Williams’ thigh. But then, so is James Corden’s, Adele’s…

Jessica

Lucas

Saucy shoot, London Jessica stars in action flick Pompeii. So look! Here she is in just her (historically inaccurate) bra.

Jourdan and

Magdalena

Wearing Express togs If these two girls have been within a cat’s toss of a gym well, we’ll shut up shop. Never to return! Oh...

Kelly Brook

Posted on Instagram This is national treasure Kelly showing off how wonderfully trim she is right now. That, or Olivier Giroud has been a very naughty boy again.

W OR D S : R OR y BuC K e R ID G e P HO T O S : W e N N , W W W .X P O S u R e P HO T O S .C OM , T N I P R e S S , C OR BI S Ou T L IN e

“Nuts is closing? B*llocks!” JAmes blunt

Ta-ra Nuts!

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Meet Jonathan and his pet eagle Samson!

‘Just taking

the eagle

for a walk!’

bird droppings!

“What do you mean you laid your eggs in my parachute?”

Feather-brained

Devon bird lover Jonathan Marshall* so loves his birds of prey – he’s got a golden eagle, a peregrine falcon and a harris hawk – that he actually learnt to sky dive so he can swoop around the heavens with his eagle chum, nine-year-old Samson here.

He trains his other birds on horseback. And also from his hang glider. We’d train them with a big old catapult, or just a rugby-style drop-kick, but that’s probably why we’re not on the RSPB’s Christmas card list.

*J o n at h a n ’s s to ry i s o n e o f s ev er a l w h ic h f ea tu r es i n n ew a n im a l P la n et s er ie s P r eP o st er o u s P et s, w h ic h co n ti n u es o n t h u r sd ay 1 7 a Pr il a t 8 Pm w o r d s: r o ry b u c k er id g e P h o to : a n im a l P la n et /b a r c r o ft m ed ia

“what is Nuts, exactly?” Jeremy Clarkson

Ta-ra Nuts!

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Smothered!

Dear Nuts,

I’m so proud of my Nuts collection I’ll even wear it.

Lee Franks via Twitter

It’s a magazine that has so many practical applications, Lee.

Nuts on my bed!

Dear Nuts,

I used two years’ worth of Nuts magazines in my collection to fully decorate my bedroom. adam roskeLL 16 Regt Royal Artillery

After sending us this picture, Adam sent every last one of these issues out to the squaddies working back in Afghanistan. Top chap.

Dream

team!

Dear Nuts, Thank you ever so much for all the mags you sent us. It was a great morale boost! Tom and The TsW Team 2 Afghanistan

We still have plenty more to send out, chaps, and that’s exactly what we’ll be doing next week while we clear our desks…

It’s that

Nuts man

again!

Dear Nuts, Hello! Nuts man Rich here with every edition of the magazine that has ever been made! rich PeLLey London

Sorry, we’ve never heard of you.

He’s hit his century!

Dear Nuts,

100 copies up and all in order! Farewell, guys. Jake PageT via Twitter

It’s very important to keep them well-organised. “Hang on, who’s

manning the front gate?”

He’d put Nuts behind him

“This should kill an afternoon!” Premier Inn staff are

forced to bow to Lenny Henry’s every wish

“Ah, hello dear, you’re home early…”

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Fox by name…

Dear Nuts,

Here’s me popping out of my

Nuts T-shirt to say goodbye!

kimberLy Fox via email

You’ve cheered us all up, Kim!

Stage fright!

Dear Nuts,

This opera-singing chap should cheer you up. I don’t think he saw the sign behind him! sTanLey burberry Kent

We’ll never get tired of amusingly porky opera singers.

Legendary Readers of

Nuts 1:

John Chrysanthou

“Oi! Get off my farm!”

“Anyone got a belt?

Hi Tom! You are the famous pioneer of stealth bumming. How did it all begin?

Well it first began when I spotted a kindly old lady bent over tying her shoelaces. I pretended to bum her and it grew from there.

How many people have you bummed now?

I reckon in the period of time I’ve been bumming, I would have stealthed well over 100 people – maybe 120.

Are you surprised by just how popular stealth bumming has become today?

To this day, I am shocked stealth bumming is still going strong, let alone dominating the magazine.

Do you have a message for the readers of the magazine?

I’m truly gutted Nuts is ending, but thanks for making me a Legend of Nuts. I loved all your stealth bumming efforts. Never stop bumming!

Legends of

Nuts 2:

Tom Welch

Legends of Nuts 3:

Professor Peach

One of our great pleasures at Nuts was the letters we received from “Professor Peach” of Yorkshire, who suggested things we might want to put in the magazine. Some of them – Jennifer Ellison naked, for

example – we couldn’t make happen, but one thing we can do now is print this picture of a crazed Diego Maradona. Not quite a naked Jennifer Ellison, but he asked for it… We salute you sir!

Not funny really as the old chap was having a heart attack

Hi John! You’ve entertained us all with your celebrity photos – a few of which we’ve included here. How do you manage it?

Pure fluke. I work in the West End, and I have a few famous mates, like Emmanuel Eboue.

Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met?

Definitely Mike Tyson. I think everyone in the world knows who he is.

Has anyone you’ve gone up to told you to sod off?

Yeah, definitely! Robbie

Keane didn’t tell me to sod off but he said he’d just be a minute – and never came back. And Jason Statham wasn’t having any of it!

And is it true that famous people have started to recognise you now?

Yeah! Imogen Thomas told me that she’d seen me in the magazine! Mental!

As it’s our last issue, do you have a final message for all the Nuts readers?

I hope you’ve enjoyed every last one of the stars that I’ve fingered!

Louis Walsh’s new band

She actually asked to pose with him

Who’s more Nuts, really?

They’re now married with kids

Riverdance was a big hit in South America

“Goodbye. Thanks for your support. Even when I was sh*t with even sh*tter hair you still wrote semi-nice things about me and for that I will be eternally grateful.” examPLe

Ta-ra

Nuts!

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IN CINEMAS

MA

SETH ROGEN ZAC

“FUNNIEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR!”

Fabulous, The sun on sunday

cosmoPoliTan

“FANTASTIC”

heaT

“AweSOme!

nuTs

Fhm nuTs

beauTy and The dirT

badneighboursmovie.co.uK

“YOU’ll

UNTIl YOU AcHE”

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IN CINEMAS

MAY 3

AC EFRON ROSE BYRNE

“FUNNIEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR!”

Fabulous, The sun on sunday

shorTlisT.com

“HILARIOUS”

nuTs

“AweSOme!”

Zoo Fhm magic uK Film review

very strong language, drug use, strong sex, crude sex references, nudity

15 “YOU’ll

lAUgH

UNTIl YOU AcHE”

Zoo

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27

A

Abi TiTmuss!

Sexy nurse-turned-model Abi TitmussÕ rise to fame summed up the mood of Britain in 2004. One of our most popular cover girls, Abi notched up 12 covers in 12 months.

C

CAlendAr!

The blokes of Nuts posed for a racy calendar to mark ten years. Modelling jobs failed to ensue.

D

don’T look!

ItÕs often referred to as Òthat horrible pageÓ by celebs, but actual A&E doctors have told us how some of their male patients instantly perk up when they Òget a photo for NutsÓ, in spite of some quite horrific injuries. WeÕre so proud!

E

expediTions!

Our travels have taken us far and wide in our time. WeÕve delivered Christmas presents to Iraq and Afghanistan, and walked with the wounded in the Arctic Circle.

B

borAT!

WeÕve had many guest editors over the years. One of the earliest was the fourth most famous person in Kazakhstan Borat Sagdiyev. During his brief tenure, he groped the staff, played the accordion and milked a (male) goat!

a-z of nuts

“I’m not coming down until you get rid of that mouse!” “Are you sure I

need to be naked to do press-ups?”

“Hi, do you do tattoo repair work?”

“Thanks for the lovely new rifle, Santa!”

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F

Famous Fans!

Over the last ten years, some of the world’s biggest stars have been caught enjoying a good read, including Prince Harry, Michael Owen and even Rihanna. Cheers, guys!

G

Girl Got Game!

Lucy Collett became a gaming celeb with her online video reports. No, you can’t have her gamertag!

J

Jimmy Carr!

We don’t do favourites at Nuts. However, favourite comedian = Jimmy Carr. When we presented him with his third Nuts Award in 2013, he joked that we should just give him one every year. He’ll always be a winner in our eyes. Cheers for your support, Jimmy!

I

innovation!

Nuts was the world’s first men’s mag to attempt a 3D issue and the first to produce a fully interactive magazine. We also pioneered the craze of stealth bumming, via the genius

of reader Tom Welch. For that alone, we will be immortal.

H

holly haGan!

Reality TV shows and Nuts have always gone hand-in-hand, with amply breasted models-in-the-making like Saskia Howard-Clarke heading into Big Brother, Nuts girls like Lucy Pinder appearing on CBB, and instant cover-girls like Geordie Shore’s Holly cast in the perfect role of TV star/glamour model.

“Not suitable interview attire? Whyever not?”

“Wow, it’s even shinier than my teeth!” “Swap you this for

a nice jumper?” “F-H-what?

Never heard of it!”

a-z of nuts

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29 29

M

millions!

To say Nuts has been popular is putting it mildly. We’ve sold over 100 million copies since launch and, up until this week, a copy of Nuts was bought every 12 seconds in the UK!

N

nitish!

You may recognise Nitish from his regular “Zlatan face” in Nuts. He has more irritating catchphrases than there are days in the year, but he’ll be missed. By some.

O

orsi, Danni!

Nuts’ “fit lesbian” agony aunt since 2012 – super-sexy and knows what she’s talking about!

K

Kammy!

On the subject of “top blokes” here’s another Nuts legend who’s been part of the magazine’s fabric since 2006. The readers love him and he loves the readers and always has time to chat to them. We wish we hadn’t seen his bare bum in that advert though. Some things should stay covered up, Kammy!

“’Scuse me, just getting a bit of burger out of my teeth”

L

laDies ConFess!

Ever since our fit secretary Lou Prior became Nuts’ official keeper of your confessions, Ladies Confess has become a Nuts institution. Lou fact: she’s incapable of blushing, which is handy, given the naughtiness she reads on a daily basis.

“Lads, hold me up – I’ve crocked my ankle!”

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T

Top Gear!

Clarkson, Hammond, May and Nuts have gone hand in hand since day one. (Not literally.) We nearly crashed on the Los Angeles freeway with Jezza Clarkson. We made James May drive a pedal car around Bluewater shopping centre. And we’ve run out of ways to call Richard Hammond “small”. We’ll miss you guys!

S

StuntS!

From racing hamsters around F1 tracks to welcoming our troops home from Afghanistan, Nuts took “the stunt” to levels other magazines could never top. Number of times we shaved our hair? Five. Number of times we’ve almost been arrested? Too many to count.

P

Pub Ammo!

The place where facts become immortal and the longest-running franchise in the mag. We asked regular Pub Ammo compiler Pete Cashmore for his favourite nugget of trivia from the last decade: “Hammerhead sharks get a suntan if they spend enough time in shallow water. Take that fact and use it wisely.” Cheers, Pete! This issue’s Pub Ammo is packed full of fun facts about Nuts.

Q

Queen of boobS!

Lucy Pinder, our fabulous figurehead. What can we possibly say about her that hasn’t been said already? What we will say is that she was only ever going to go topless for the first time in one magazine, namely your good old friend Nuts. If you have a copy of that issue and can bear to part with it, have a look on Ebay. You could make yourself a small fortune!

R

Ring of tRuth!

One of Nuts’ most popular pages ever, on account of the fact that it involves popular footballers being made to look really stupid. Some would argue, “not that they need any help” but that’s not for us to say.

“Is he standing to attention or is it a crease in his trousers?”

“The helmet’s to protect me from the excess testosterone”

a-z of nuts

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Z

Zoo!

Our esteemed rival Zoo launched a week after us. It has been an interesting sparring partner over the last ten years, and we were actually quite fond of coming up against the old bastard. Dear reader, much as it pains us to say, may we suggest go and see what they’re up to, because they could use the sales!

Y

You!

You, our readers, have always been the most important thing about Nuts. Everything we’ve done has been for your enjoyment. And we’re hugely grateful for every joke, Naff Tat, Don’t Look snap, Camera Phone Comedy pic and letter you’ve sent us – no matter how weird or wonderful. Thanks for buying the mag and for being so bloody brilliant!

X

X-RAted!

For the 2011 Sex Issue, we sent Nuts man Pete off to a dominatrix, an experience that had his eyes out on stalks, while Nuts man Dan went to a sex party, which had his eyes out on even longer stalks, and intrepid Nuts man Rich visited the set of a porn film, where what he saw was too rude to print – until now! Seriously, he’s been a bit weird ever since.

W

WebSite!

Nuts started as a magazine, but as the digital revolution kicked in, we migrated to lots of different platforms. Back in 2005, the first of these was nuts.co.uk which brought boobs to the interweb, and at the time of this final issue going to press was reaching an audience of 200 million visits to the site and – in terms of page impressions – we’re still the biggest men’s lifestyle website in the country.

V

VeRY SoRRY!

We’ve upset quite a few people over the years (see page 32) so apologies to Lord Sugar (who we called “old”), Ross Kemp (“baldy”), Gary Lineker (“big ears”), James Corden, Gordon Ramsay, Frankie Boyle… We could go on…

U

unbelieVAble PictuReS!

We’re proud to have brought you great photography from around the world over the years, scouring the globe for the mad, the bad, and the downright daft images. One of the most jaw-dropping was this shot of a British soldier escaping his blazing tank after it was attacked in Iraq in 2005.

“Bloody exhibitionists keep photobombing my holiday snaps!” This brave British

soldier was lucky to escape with his life

The Army on “Special Manoeuvres” W O R D S : P E T E C A S H M O R E , N IC K S O L D IN G E R , R IC H P E L L E Y P H O T O S : E L L IS O ’B R IE N , J IM L IN C O L N , C O L IN W IL L IA MS IL L u S T R A T IO N: M A RK @ P A RK G R A N DE 93NTS14018182.pgs 24.04.2014 12:20 EmagineTablet Page

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Jeremy clarkSon giveS uS a Pet name 2005

Prologue: Nuts meets Clarkson for the first time.

Nuts: “All right Jezzer! [Pause.]

Mind if we call you Jezzer?” Clarkson: “You can call me c*nt crease if you want.”

Epilogue: Clarkson calls us Mr C*nt every time we meet again.

NUTS MAN

VS

THE STARS!

It’s the stuff we couldn’t print! A dec

ade of daftness from Nuts’ resident c

elebrity botherer Rich Pelley…

Steve irWin getS SnaPPy 2004 Prologue: Irwin grants Nuts his first European Interview at Colchester Zoo.

Nuts: “Hi Steve! Have you ever eaten one

of your crocodiles?”

Irwin: [Goes bright red, swears, grabs dictaphone, removes tape and stamps it into the concrete.]

Epilogue: Irwin never talks to the European press ever again.

a decade

of being

silly!

rich has been interviewing celebs for

Nuts since 2004. We’re

sure they’ll miss him as much as we will!

gordon ramSay loSeS hiS rag 2005 Prologue: After tirelessly tracking Gordon Ramsay around Spain, the sweary chef finally agrees to a five-minute interview. Cue Rich Pelley’s less-than-sensitive opener.

Nuts: “Hello Gordon! Isn’t cooking

a bit girly?” Ramsay: [Silence.]

Nuts: “Is it rude to ask for tomato

ketchup in your restaurants?” Ramsay: “F*ck me. Have you ever been to the restaurants? If you ask for ketchup, of course you’re going to get told to f*ck off.”

Nuts: “Could we introduce you to our

mum without you swearing?”

Ramsay: “F*ck knows. Never met her.”

Nuts: “Well, thanks, Gordon. We’re big

fans of yours at Nuts.”

Ramsay: “You know, I work my f*cking b*llocks off, so I don’t need little c*nts like you spoiling it.”

Epilogue: Ramsay never speaks to us again.

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Sean lock haS a humour failure 2008 Prologue: We give some comedy a go.

Nuts: “Do your glasses

have telescopic lenses so you can read all your jokes off an autocue because you’re too drunk to remember them?” Lock: “Listen, I’m the comedian, not you.” [Goes into massive five-minute rant. Interview is aborted.]

Epilogue: Lock never speaks to us again.

lord Sugar can’t handle the truth 2007 Prologue: Suralan agrees to his first men’s mag interview.

Nuts: “Are you the perfect

ad for the theory that cash can’t buy happiness?” Sugar: “Do you mean just because I’ve got a lot of money, I’m a miserable old b*stard?”

Nuts: “Basically, yes.”

Sugar: “You cheeky c*nt.”

Epilogue: Lord Sugar refuses to speak to us ever again.

We offend frankie Boyle 2008

Prologue: Nuts is insensitive.

Nuts: “You used to be an

alcoholic. Isn’t this a bit annoying when you want to go to the pub?” Boyle: “That is the least-sensitive question I’ve ever been asked.”

Epilogue: We see ourselves out.

We get carted off dragonS’ den 2007 Prologue: Nuts crashes the den and pitches ridiculous ideas to the Dragons.

Nuts: “How about a

neck brace to help train men to stop talking to ladies’ boobs when we’re trying to chat them up?” Peter Jones: “I think we’ve had enough of you now.”

Nuts: “And you will call

us, right?” Jones: “Goodbye.”

Epilogue: Peter Jones physically removes us from the set.

We annoy derren BroWn 2007 Prologue: Nuts tries a trick on Brown.

Nuts: “Hi Darren!”

Brown: [Annoyed.] “It’s Derren.”

[Nuts attempts rubbish trick on Derren.]

Nuts: “Ha! We did a

Darren Brown on you.” Brown: “It’s Derren!”

Nuts: “Are you sure?”

Brown: “Absolutely.”

Epilogue: Brown doesn’t speak to us for some time.

Jack Whitehall tellS uS to eff off 2014 Prologue: Nuts finds out what it’s like backstage.

Nuts: “Why aren’t girls

lined up at your door like you’re a ’70s Radio 1 DJ?” Whitehall: “Rich? F*ck off, mate.”

Epilogue: We do.

when interviews go wrong

33

We Break JameS may’S Stuff 2009 Prologue: May has built a life-sized Lego house. Nuts picks up a Lego newspaper, which shatters into pieces.

Nuts: “Whoops.”

May: “For f*ck’s sake, man.”

Epilogue: Nuts apologises.

gary lineker feelS inadequate 2005 Prologue: We meet Lineker.

Nuts: “Big ears, big kn*b?”

Lineker: “I haven’t got big ears. They just stick out.”

Epilogue: Lineker seems reluctant to speak to us again.

ill us tr at io n s: b ill m cc o n k ey

dizzee raScal thumPS uS 2009

Prologue: With Bonkers at number one, Nuts had recently printed a story linking Rascal to Chanelle Hayes.

Nuts: “Hi Dizzee!”

Dizzee: “I remember you. You stitched me up last time over Chanelle Hayes. You’re lucky I’m number one or I might thump you.” [Thumps Nuts man Rich really hard in the stomach anyway.]

Epilogue: Dizzee Rascal jokingly punches us in the stomach every time we interview him. We think he likes us.

JaSon Statham ShoW uS the exit 2009

Prologue: Nuts tries to fact-check the big story of the day.

Nuts: “Were you really chucked out of the Playboy Mansion

for refusing to get naked with some Playboy models?” Statham: “That’s it. I’m throwing you out of the window.”

Epilogue: Jason Statham never speaks to us again.

JameS corden nearly getS rich fired 2011 Prologue: Nuts interviews Corden about his new book.

Nuts: “Hello James!

So you’ve just written your autobiography. What’s it called? You

Fat B*stard?”

Corden: [Deathly long pause.] “Is this a joke?”

Epilogue: Corden has us escorted from the room.

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silly billie!

The nation deserved to see Billie’s boobs, but thanks to a corporate accountant somewhere, it’ll never happen!

sepp Upset!

Imagine how great this would have been. It’d certainly be the biggest tit we’d ever put on the cover!

What a pair!

Picture our Pinder and the wonderfully booby Kelly Brook in the same shoot. It’d break the boobometer!

The covers

we wish

we could

have run!

We’ve run 526 covers in the last ten years

sadly, we’re not going to be around long

enough to run these...

w OR d s : N Ic K s Ol d ING e R

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35

oUt of this World!

This may have been a bit beyond our budget. Unless we’d sent poor old Rosie up in a weather balloon!

football crazy!

OK, so the chances of us publishing this in our lifetime would have been pretty slim, but you can always dream!

all groWed Up!

God alone knows what another ten years of Nuts would have been like – a lot of fun, we’d imagine!

a right royal knees Up!

No offence to the other geezer, but Harry would be way more of a laugh as King. This would be our tribute!

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Nuts’ sexiest stars bring down the

curtain on a decade of booby brilliance!

The Final

Shoot!

joey! lucy! stacey! lucy c!

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holly! india! rosie! emma!

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Lucy Pinder

First shoot 2004

t’s hard to believe I’ve been doing this for ten years…

I was so nervous before my first shoot, but everyone was lovely. I worked for Nuts in the first week it came out. As I was there at the birth, so I will be there at its glorious end!

I became great friends with

Nuts girl Michelle Marsh…

Shout out to Marshy! We should’ve got her back for this shoot. Since then, I’ve met the world’s smartest, funniest, sexiest girls. They’ve all been a pleasure to work with.

I loved shooting abroad…

I used to love going to Majorca for Nuts’ summer issues – those beach shoots were nice. I think they were the most memorable and the best fun, too.

The fun we have on shoots never ceases to amaze me…

Victoria Beckham hearing all the fun in our studio and coming in to say hello was certainly up there. It was me and Rosie, and Posh just stuck her head in through the door when Rosie had her boobs out!

I’ve had fun writing for Nuts…

I used to love writing the Agony Aunt page, and it was very rewarding because we once got a nod from OFSTED commending us. Rightly so!

People will look back and smile… Nuts has always – and very

simply – been a fun magazine for men that celebrated real women and sport and the lighter side of life. I hope, and indeed know, that we brought a little bit of sunshine into people’s everyday lives.

I’d like to thank the readers for being awesome…

A massive thank you for all your support over the last decade. We’ve had a good ten years and had a lot of fun!

I

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“ I hope we

brought

a little bit of

sunshine into

people’s lives!”

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Stacey Poole

First shoot 2012

y first Nuts shoot was with Lucy Pinder…

She was introducing the world to a new batch of babes. Everyone was really lovely. There were about eight of us, so that made it fun. The group shoots are like a big party, and there’ll never be an atmosphere like it.

It was always a dream of mine to be in Nuts…

I worked in a shop by day, so to be asked to come and do a big photo shoot was always a dream that I never thought would really come true. I can always go back to working in retail, but I’m happy knowing that I’ve lived and loved every minute of working for Nuts.

The girls I met on my first shoot will be friends for life…

There were loads of girls there that day, and they’ve all been great to hang out with ever since. Lucy’s awesome but I also remember really hitting it off with Nicole Neale.

I was so happy to take part in some really special shoots…

I think the most memorable was the 500th issue, with that lovely styling that made us look a bit like we were in the Robin Thicke video. I’d say that was the best one.

I got to meet Keith Lemon…

Shooting with Keith Lemon when he guest-edited the magazine was a surreal day. He comes out with some amazing one-liners, and never drops character for a moment.

I’ve got some great memories to look back on…

I’ve just loved meeting the team, and meeting new people. I’ve had over two brilliant years and I couldn’t wish to have met better people. We’re going out with an enormous bang and I thank you all.

M

“ I couldn’t

wish to

have met

better

people!”

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Rosie Jones

First shoot 2009 y first-ever Nuts shoot seems so long ago… One thing I definitely remember is that I was working with the same team of people who I worked with on my last ever Nuts shoot. That was really nice. All the staff were amazing. When I started, I thought I’d only do a couple of shoots… God knows how many I’ve done now!

Without Nuts my life would have been very different…

I was 18 and about to go to university to train as a teacher when I discovered Nuts. I don’t think I’d even read it before, but after I found out I was going to be in it, I bought it every week.

I met some of my best friends through Nuts…

It was India Reynolds who I met first at some party and ended up getting drunk with. Emma Glover was the first girl I worked with. We went out that night and immediately clicked. These girls have gone on to be my best friends.

My most memorable shoots were always at Christmas…

It’s always a big group of us and the costumes and set are so different from what we would normally do. Oh, and the New Year’s shoots are just one massive party. We also did fun things like pizza-eating challenges. They really stand out.

I have you lot to thank…

Thank you for buying the mag whenever I was on the cover. That meant I kept getting my contract renewed – meaning I got to be involved in more amazing shoots with my best mates. It feels so weird, like I’m saying goodbye. But I want to readers to know that they can still find us on social media.

M

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“ Thanks for

buying the

mag when

I was on

the cover!”

(44)

Emma

Glover

First shoot 2008 efore Nuts I worked in an office… About five or so years ago I had a full-time admin job in an office and I told all the men I worked with that I was going to a meeting. Of course, I was really going to my first-ever Nuts shoot!

My career could have taken a very different turn…

I have a degree in marketing and used that to get a job in the city. To think I had a real 9-to-5 job once. Ha-ha!

I’ve met some great friends through Nuts…

I remember meeting Rosie Jones. We met at a casting. I showed up straight from the office wearing a pencil skirt and a shirt. Everyone was looking at me funny but not saying anything, but Rosie came up and talked to me and was so lovely. We’ve been firm friends ever since.

Now feels like the right time to make a confession…

India Reynolds may look like the nation’s sweetheart with those big, brown eyes – but I’m telling you she’s not. She’s the worst behaved of all of us! And Rosie isn’t much better, either. She once threw up in a taxi and I had to clean it up with my bare hands so we didn’t get slapped with a fine. I should have got an award for that.

The Nuts legacy will live on…

People need to remember that there’s no other mag that has shown boobs like Nuts has. I once went round on a rollercoaster in Thorpe Park 11 times in a row with my top off. Who else would do that? It may be the end of the mag but us Nuts girls will still be around. We’re all still great friends – that’s real.

B

“ The

Nuts

girls will still

be around –

that’s real!”

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Joey Fisher

First shoot 2013

was completely naked in a kitchen for my first

Nuts shoot…

It was with Holly Peers, Stacey Poole and Emma Frain. I was thrown in at the deep end. It was freezing cold, but that’s something I soon got used to.

I was a fan of the magazine before I worked for it…

I’ve always loved Nuts, and always used to buy it. I have tons of them in my wardrobe. I have a stack. I am stacked with Nuts. I have no idea what I’d have been doing if I hadn’t been signed for Nuts – I think I’d probably be doing a boring 9-to-5 job. I think I made the right decision.

Shooting for Nuts has opened so many doors…

I’ve ended up starring in films and all sorts. I remember once when I flew straight black from Lithuania and went straight to a Nuts shoot. I’d been shooting a film out there, a horror film. I flew all the way back just to shoot for Nuts – now that’s dedication!

I have lots of favourite things about Nuts…

Obviously, the stylists who make us look amazing are great. But I think it’s fair to say that Nuts is a much nicer magazine than it’s given credit for, people need to understand that.

Nuts has changed my life for

the better…

Obviously, I got to meet loads and loads of people and they’re all lovely. It’s made me more confident, via the method of getting my boobs out. Now in the street, I have my head held high.

I have only one message for the readers…

Thanks for being amazing and supporting this brilliant magazine right to the end.

I

“ Thanks for

supporting

us right to

the end!”

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“ Thank you for

everything –

I love you all!”

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Lucy Collett

First shoot 2010

started out as a Nuts Next Top Model…

I was very pale at the time and my hair was a lot redder. I never thought I’d come as far as I did, from Next Top Model to, I believe, four covers? I’d always buy the mag, which people thought was weird. But I’d rather look at beautiful real women and read rubbish jokes than I would read crap gossip. And Pub Ammo’s amazing.

Without Nuts, life would have been very different…

I’d have been a vet because I love animals. And I’m always at the zoo. In fact, that’s what I’d be – a zoo keeper!

I remember the first time I met my favourite Nuts girls…

My first shoot featured Lucy Pinder, and I was so nervous, thinking to myself, “Am I allowed to touch her?” I met Rosie Jones not long afterwards. They’ve both been amazing to work with.

My favourite shoot was for one of my first covers…

It was with four other girls. I believe it was called “Lucy’s Busty Babes”. I’m thankful I get to shoot with Lucy Pinder one last time.

Nuts shoots are always so

much fun…

Holly Peers is the funniest thing ever to happen on a photo shoot. But I also like putting my nipples in people’s ears when they’re not looking.

I’ll miss lots about Nuts…

But my favourite thing has been working as part of a big team.

Nuts has given me the chance

to do so many great things, I’ll genuinely miss all of you.

Thank you for all your support… Nuts is, and will always be, the

best, most glamorous magazine. Thank you for everything. I love you all. Keep rocking.

I

“ Lucy and

Rosie have

both been

amazing to

work with!”

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Holly Peers

First shoot 2010

remember loads about my first Nuts shoot…

I had just started modelling and it was only my second time coming down to London. The weather was really bad, everyone got snowed in – including the photographer. The shoot did go ahead – thank God – and I can’t believe how different I looked.

Rosie Jones is the “elder statesman” of all the Nuts girls…

I met her at some boozy Christmas bash. It was quite intimidating because I was new to modelling and had only done one shoot. Rosie was like a celebrity to me. It’s weird saying that, as I’m off to sleep at her house after this shoot.

I’ll really miss the epic end-of-year shoots…

The Christmas ones were so good it’s hard to think of a shoot I’ve enjoyed more. The sets were great and it was a fun atmosphere because we always had the same group of girls – India, Lucy Pinder, Rosie, me…

My first-ever Nuts cover was a proud moment…

It was such a big deal for me – I felt like I’d finally made it. It definitely stands out as a career highlight. It’s honestly weird to look at it and think, “Oh, that’s me,” you know?

I’ll always be grateful to the

Nuts readers…

I want to thank everyone who has followed and supported my career over the years. You guys opened so many doors for me.

We’ll all really miss Nuts… Nuts is the biggest weekly

magazine. No one could touch it. And I honestly don’t think anything else will ever reach that standard again. Nuts can never be replaced. It will always be known as the biggest weekly ever – I think that is its greatest legacy.

I

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“ You guys

opened so

many doors

for me.

Thank you!”

(50)

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India

Reynolds

First shoot 2009

didn’t know too much about Nuts before my first shoot…

I’m a girly girl at heart so didn’t read any men’s mags. It wasn’t until my first shoot that I really read

Nuts and knew what it was all

about. After that I loved it!

Life was so different before my first-ever shoot…

When I started at Nuts I was at uni studying Criminology and Sociology. I imagine I would’ve gone on to do something to do with that.

We’ve done some really memorable things…

I recall taking part in a stunt at Millwall’s ground to do a big, booby shoot to mark the World Cup. I’m a bit gutted, as I thought we’d end up doing something similar for this year’s tournament!

I loved my first Nuts cover…

I love being with the other girls, however, my all-time favourite was actually a solo cover shoot. I remember my legs were crossed on the cover – it was so hot!

I’ve made some truly great friends through my shoots…

We’ve all became such a close team. Everyone – the girls, the photographers, the stylists, the staff – is so nice. Sometimes we’ll go into the office and there’ll be loads of pizza and we will crack out the Jägerbomb machine. I’ll miss those days!

People will really miss Nuts…

The Nuts legacy of beautiful girls and top banter will be a tough act to follow. My message to the readers? We love you all! All of us will miss doing this because, honestly, it’s the best job in the world. I’ve had the time of my life and can’t believe it’s coming to an end.

I

“ It’s the best

job in the

world. I’ve

had the time

of my life!”

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52

The week’s best TV, movies, games, music and tech!

Ice Road Truckers

CHannel 5/HD ¥ 8pm

We do enjoy this reassuringly decent compilation of tales of massive trucks, and the men who pilot them across some of the most treacherously icy wastes in Arctic USA. This week, there’s the added problem of having to clear up the mess after one of the drivers fails to secure his load. Hey, we’ve all been there, lads!

★★★

“Sod it, I’m buying Party Ice next time”

The Trip To Italy

BBC two/HD ¥ 10pm

Yes, it’s terrifically self-indulgent, but this latest European foray from Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon has also been terrific. If there are two people more comfortable with witty improvisation on British telly, we’d like to see them. Except that we know there aren’t. This week, they’re off to the historic ruins of Pompeii. ★★★★

“Is that a chaffinch? Looovely”

Pain & Gain

Sky MovieS preMiere/HD ¥

9.45pm

Or What Michael Bay Did In Between Those Transformers Movies. It’s a caper film, as ’roid-raging gym bunnies Mark Wahlberg and The Rock kidnap a local businessman, aiming to steal his cash. The second half turns dark in a jarring change of pace. Enormously watchable. ★★★★

“Think of all the Katy Perry false eyelashes we can get with this!”

Friday 2 May

TV built for blokes!

24: live anotHer Day

MonDay ¥ Sky 1/HD, 1am

Jack Bauer’s ducking

global disaster once again! “Relax! It’s a

Super Soaker”

witHnail anD i CHannel 4/HD • 12.30am Richard E Grant stars in this genius Brit comedy from the ’80s about two struggling actors who leave London behind for an ill-fated holiday.