Today is Tuesday. I’m not really that fond of Tuesdays. They're quite annoying actually. It feels like a Monday, nowhere near Friday, just preceding hump-day, which if you ask me is an over-rated day of the week anyhow. So it’s a rainy Tuesday afternoon and I'm meeting a friend for coffee at noon. She's ten years my senior but we compliment each other well. I enjoy her tired outlook on life as she reveals my exaggerated shortcomings. We laugh, we cry, it passes the time.
Her name is Eleanora. She hates her name. I think I would too. Nothing goes well with the name Eleanora and people always end up calling you Ellie or Elena. It’s unflattering. But I tell her, it’s just a name. I can be a bit less than comforting at times.
Nora, as she first introduced herself, and I met three years ago at a coffee shop on 5th and Main, the same one we’ve been meeting at every Tuesday. And again, why Tuesday’s I’ll never know. But it seems to fit- Coffee with Nora on Tuesdays. See? Anyhow, the day we met, I was sitting alone of course, minding my own damn business and reading Sense and Sensibility for the third time because in Graduate School they have this preconceived notion that you haven’t read anything of substance until now. I was intently immersed in the novel when she walked over to my table and asked to borrow the empty chair next to me. I nodded yes without even looking up. Twenty minutes must’ve passed before I raised my head and noticed she took the chair to her table, but no one was sitting with her. I found it odd; however it was clearly my ignorance. She was trying to get my attention. We shared glances maybe two or three times, then a smile. Then a “Hey come over and say hi” nod. So with my annoyed, let’s-just-get-this-over-with mentality I walked over and we began talking. In all of three minutes I learned she’s a Professor of English at the University I was attending, mistakenly married once in her early 20's for two years, has no children, blah blah blah, and just broke things off with her girlfriend of eight months. That’s when I decided to start paying attention.
wearing conservative black pants and a white blouse. Her chocolate colored hair waved with precise form as it rolled just past her shoulders. I did notice her lips at a rather alarming rate. Guilty pleasure. She was way out of my league, plus I wasn’t looking for anyone. I liked my little world, surrounded by high walls, lined with books and exclusiveness. She was a talker too, instant turn off. Of course I enjoy listening, but at some point I wanted to return to my world and forget ever meeting anyone. I’ve been told this makes me look like a bitch, but oh well.
I proceed to tell her how I’m in my second year of Grad School and currently reading this cardinal novel, again. We discuss the book for a bit then she turns the conversation onto me. A topic I don’t carry well. But I continue by saying, twenty-five, never been married, no kids, blah blah blah, and I can’t seem to keep a girlfriend for more than 30 days. Consequently, we’ve been friends ever since.
So its noon on Tuesday and I walk inside the café to see her sitting at the bar sipping on herbal tea. She’s on a no coffee kick. It annoys me. I walk over and joke how she can never wait for me to order, then the waiter brings my coffee. Nora smirks.
I often think about the time we first kissed. It was a mere month after meeting and one night we flirted with the idea of kissing. I must’ve looked at her lips a thousand times before ours met. I simply admired the way she curved her words and the roll of her tongue each time she said “love” or “later”. I would often make a point to get her a straw each time she ordered an iced tea to-go so I could intentionally watch her pucker. I admit it was an unhealthy obsession. Our first kiss wasn’t a complete mistake but awkward nonetheless. The lighting wasn’t right, or perhaps the moon hung a tad lower in the night sky this particular night. We didn’t speak for a week afterwards then met the preceding Tuesday at the coffee shop. Without hesitation, the tension instantly ended. Seeing her face again set my nerves at ease. She just has this look about her that feasibly resisted confined anger. Hers soft lips, warm brown hair, hazel eyes and Italian blood with a witch mother who named her beauty Eleanora.
I say we’re friends but we’re more than that. She’s such a confidante. My ex’s have always been severely jealous of our relationship, hence the word “ex”. I compare women unfairly, but everyone needs standards and Nora has set mine. Our minor acquaintances constantly question why we’re not a couple. It gives us an excuse to share the teased thought, but we continue our separate dating lives. One of her colleagues once pointed out, “You know what they say, opposites attract.” I quickly retorted, “But never last.” Though I pondered over what he said for a while. As everyone at the University is aware of her sexual preference and makes no mind of it thanks to the liberal surroundings I like to call reality. He often made reference to how natural we looked together despite our obvious disparities. As if all matches made in heaven were brought together by middle-aged math Professors.
Back to our habitual Tuesday, it’s a tad past noon as we sip on our respective beverages. Nora is dressed in her usual power suit and me in my three year old jeans and cardigan sweater. We never meshed aesthetically so I don’t know how people assumed we were “together”. I loved being seen around her during school hours, her aurora always made me feel important, even if I was just a lowly college student with big aspirations she’s already succeeded times ten.
Although I’d never admit it, I secretly decided to stay in grad school because of Nora. I loved school and only went because it was the only thing I could do well. But I was beginning to realize the burden student loans were going to weigh on me. After meeting Nora, it gave me even more of a reason to stay. I wanted to be interesting and connected to Nora. I always had a fear she’d get bored with me. After all, I had a degree but I chose to work as a waitress so I could focus on my pathetic music career. Ever since I could remember, I dreamed of becoming a songwriter. Of course when you’re young, anything seems possible. But after a few too many rejections, the dream started to fade and music became a hobby.
didn’t take long for her to float upon the topic of my new girlfriend, Lauren. “She’s nice.”, I reluctantly offered with a smirk. I continued sipping on my coffee and tried to change the subject.
“I want you to read my Ethics paper, I really want an A”.
“What’s wrong with this one, double jointed, webbed feet? You always avoid talking about her.” Nora quipped.
“It’s about the glass ceiling. I wrote like fifteen pages and had to edit it down to ten. I had no idea I was so passionate about feminism.” I quickly interrupted, assuming she knew why I avoided talking about Lauren.
“You’re not…” Nora said and then paused before reading deeper into my passiveness. “Oh my God, you told her...”
“Told her what?” I asked.
“You said the L word. Jesus, Avery!” she said.
“What! Give me a break. No I didn’t. Well, I almost did. And not after sex either. We were at dinner and she did something cute, then the words just fell out. Well, half of ‘em at least, enough for her to know what I meant.”
“Well, do you love her? Better yet, what was so damn cute it moved you from ‘She’s nice’ to ‘I love you?’
“Never mind.”
Nora began sipping on her stupid tea faster and faster. I could hear her mumbling laughs in between gulps. I was frustrated and annoyed with my love life, as it was always comical and never romantic.
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Seriously, I want to meet her at least.” She said. “Um... No.” I stammered at the thought. I hated when Nora met my new girlfriends, if they ever made it to that status. Nora is so intimidating at times its unreal. She secretly revels at the thought of belittling my subordinate love interests. I find her callousness enduring, must be the bitch in me because it runs everyone else off. Nora is
like meeting the parents for the first time. You dread it and then when it’s over you wonder why you’re even with this person.
“C’mon Avery. I mean it. I’ll behave, especially since you love her. I can’t help being protective, but I’ll behave. So tell me please, I have to know, what was so cute?” She insisted.
“Alright, okay. We picked up pizza the other night from that insanely greasy Italian joint down the street because I had too much to study and can’t exactly afford a restaurant with plastic menu’s.”
”Anyways.” She pushed.
“Anyways, were were sitting around my coffee table eating our pizza and I noticed she had picked up one of my notebooks and started drawing on the front of it. So I asked her what she was doing. Well, when I looked down at the notebook she had drawn little hearts with our initials in it. Before I knew it I blurted out with an ‘awe’, and then I said it”.
“Wow” She said. “What...”
“That’s very ninth grade of you.” “No its not! Well, yeah it is. Damnit Nora.”
She grinned, showing off her hidden dimple and all was forgiven. I’m so weak, I thought. Here I am saying I love you to a ninth grader and one grin from Nora wins my heart. I drank the last bit of my coffee and sighed aloud. It’s going to be a long Tuesday.
It’s fall in Dallas and I couldn’t be in a better mood. No, not because I’m in love, which I wouldn’t admit to even characterizing as viable reason to be happy. But there’s just something about fall in Dallas. The city gives off a particular vibe when the weather changes. Perhaps it’s just relief from the scorching summer’s we’re known for.
I was actually born in Oklahoma, and if you’ve ever been there, you’ll understand why I moved to the city. Wide open spaces are just not for me. I left home right after high school to go to college in Dallas. It was the best decision I ever made. My mind was actually allowed to expand itself.
For what ever reason, this city and the newborn air brought out the best in me, if that’s at all possible. Nora and I spent a lot of our time outside, which she hates because the wind blows her oh-so-perfect hair out of place. She had a habit of complaining about everything I enjoyed doing, reluctantly dragging her along. Yet, underneath her disagreeable words, there laid an obvious expression of delight. She would never let me know it, but I could see through her need to be mature, as she shamelessly enjoyed sharing the mind of a self-indulgent girl in her twenties.
It’s Friday night, and Lauren and I are on our way to dinner at Nora’s house. Nora offered to cook, which I quickly changed to ordering pizza because first of all, sit down dinners are a death wish and secondly, Nora can’t cook. She thinks she can, which is worse than being a bad cook and knowing it, sparing your house guests with
indescribably distasteful food. Actually, she can cook some things. Water if it needs to be boiled, microwaveable items, which to her apparently means that everything from cheese to steak can cook right at two minutes. I try to encourage her to read the box, but no, she insists, “Two minutes should do it”.
We arrive around 7 pm. Lauren looks amazing in a silky black dress, which enhanced her curly blonde hair. Nora knows I really don’t like blondes, so I expected to get a look. I clinched Lauren’s hand and she quickly pries it loose. She’s nervous as well,
knowing I’m not a social person so this Nora chick must be something. Once we approached the door I could hear music playing from inside.
“She loves classic rock. It’s an illness really.” I joke.
“Avery.” Lauren says as she leans in to kiss me. We share a moment locked together. I feel better for a few seconds. The door opens before I can even reach for the knob. I thought about knocking, but I didn’t want to act any different than I would normally act if I were coming alone.
“This must be Lauren.” Nora said as she extends her hand. “It’s nice to finally meet you”.
We begin to walk inside and I immediately smell pizza. I try to make a B-line for the kitchen, but I’m quickly halted by Nora’s assertiveness.
“Wow, you are pretty.” Nora said to Lauren. “Thank you”. Lauren replied.
“Don’t worry I’m not hitting on you.” she jokingly adds. “Not yet…” I caustically remarked.
Nora gave me a ‘go to hell’ look and quickly turned her attention back to Lauren. She figured playing nice was revenge enough.
“Avery!” Lauren loudly whispered at me, embarrassed by my evil sarcasm. “Don’t mind her. She gets jealous sometimes.” Nora whispered as she reached over to slide her hand down my face.
I immediately backed away. I don’t know why I was so annoyed at that moment. I was acting like a thirteen year old girl, giving the brush off with my arms folded.
“I hope you don’t mind take-out.” Nora said to Lauren as they both headed to the kitchen. I wandered off to set the stereo to something more pleasing.
“Hell no. I’m so hungry. I was in four back-to-back meetings today and couldn’t find time to grab anything to eat.” Lauren said.
“Avery tells me you work for a law firm?” She asked, pouring Lauren a glass of red wine.
“Yeah I hate it but it pays well. Seeing as I was an art major, I can’t complain.”
“Oh yeah? Why art?”
“I was one of those idealistic kids fresh out of art school with dreams of traveling to Rome. I’d paint at night. Sleep all day. Live off inspiration.”
“So what happened?” “Reality.”
I could hear them chatting and sharing stupid little laughs as if they really enjoyed talking to each other. I went over to the stereo found a CD Nora despised and put it on.
“Avery! I hate that CD!” Nora yelled from the kitchen. I just smirked and headed pass the kitchen to the back porch. “Come out here Lauren.” I gestured, continuing to ignore Nora. We walked outside and she handed me a vodka seven. My new drink of choice.
“You are acting like a little baby! But it’s cute.” Lauren said as she leaned in to kiss me. I held on a little longer just to smell her neck. She wore the most amazing perfume I never remembered the name of, though I’d seen the bottle a hundred times. The aroma reminded me of fresh linen. Odd I know, but I couldn’t get enough of its taste on her skin.
“Ouch! Avery, don’t bite!” she giggled.
“Sorry, you’re just irresistible tonight.” I said, moving my lips down the side of her neck to her shoulder line.
“I better be irresistible every night.” said Lauren. “Eh...”
“Well I’m something because you love-“
I quickly interrupted those words as I saw Nora heading toward us from the corner of my eye.
“Here, eat.” said Nora, handing me a plate of sliced cheese pizza.
She hates plain cheese pizza, but orders it for me. Nora loves everything super sized and fully loaded. Pizza has to be topped with everything, women have to achieve everything, you get the idea. We sat around the wooden table on the porch and ate in silence for a few minutes. I took a moment to indulge the brisk fall air as I nibbled on my pizza and watched Lauren rapidly pick at hers with a fork. I found it a bit dainty for a lesbian, but cute. Apparently, it was a constant theme in our courtship.
I could tell Lauren was thinking about something though. She kept looking at me as I ate, then at Nora with these squinty little eyes. Out of nervousness I would try not to look at Nora, as she chewed on her folded slice.
“So are drawing hearts your specialty or do you dabble in anything?” Nora asked with a leering grin.
“Nora!” I yelled.
“You told her that!” Lauren said with shock.
“I- Yeah, I told her that.” I said, knowing there was no way around it. “It’s cool Lauren. I think its cute too.” said Nora.
Lauren sat there for a second, as if she were soaking it all in. I couldn’t tell by the way she looked if it was shear embarrassment or rage provoking in her head. That is, until she spoke.
“I get it. You bring girls here and taunt them for your pleasure. Not cool Avery.” She said.
Lauren started to get up but stammered a bit. I could tell the wine was getting the best of her. We’ve drank together before but I’ve never seen her get as riled up. She’s usually a sleepy drunk.
“Wait!” I yelled, trying to stop her at the door. “That’s not it! You’re the first woman I’ve brought here. Nora is a bitch, always trying push my buttons. It’s stupid. I’ll ask her to stop. Please don’t go.”
I reached out to grab her by the shoulder but she shrugged me off. Nora got up and met us in the kitchen.
“Lauren I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I can be a bitch sometimes. I’m sure Avery warned you of my shortcomings.” She apologized.
Lauren took a deep sigh and began shaking her head. At this point I wanted to give in. I’m not sure to what exactly, but it felt as though a moment was occurring where I needed to confess. Again, to what, I didn’t know. Luckily, Lauren accepted Nora’s terms and we resumed drinking our respective alcoholic beverages inside the living room. Dinner was clearly over.
I grabbed Lauren’s hand and sat her down on the sofa next to me. We flirted like little schoolgirls to the sound of Nora’s most hated CD, which she only owns because of me.
“Why you insist on listening to this shit I’ll never know.” Nora sassed as she joined us in the room with a fresh glass of wine.
“I might have to agree.” Lauren added. “Oh what, it’s not cute?” I teased.
Lauren gave me the most beautiful look, as if I couldn’t do anything repulsive. She obviously didn’t know me very well yet.
“This would be the perfect time to list Avery’s flaws, but I’ll be nice.” said Nora.
“Oh no-no, I wouldn’t mind hearing a few.” said Lauren. “I don’t think so!” I interjected. “Boundaries Nora”.
“Well I think you two are cute together. Avery is so picky. I admire her choice.” Nora said with a slight slur.
I returned Nora with a ‘what-the-hell?’ look. I had never seen her bounce around topics so much. Usually she’s either bitchy or uninterested in the selectively few women I’ve allowed her to meet.
“Thanks.” Lauren said. “Avery is different from the other women I’ve dated. I can’t put my finger on it exactly. Maybe it’s because she hangs around you so much. She has this mature flare. It’s attractive.”
“Thanks, I think.” Nora said.
Feeling oddly uncomfortable, I got up from the sofa to freshen my drink. The moment called for indefinite alcohol consumption. Here I was giving in to the idea of love and Lauren, yet this night continued to highly irritate me. I wanted to leave.
I watched Lauren and Nora talk from across the room and couldn’t help but admire Lauren’s unforgivable beauty and forthcoming personality. She turned me on, as she ran her hands down her crossed legs while she spoke. I watcher her lips each time they reached her glass. I wanted to make love to her right then.
“Avery, are you going to join us tonight?” Nora yelled.
I could hear her whisper to Lauren afterwards that I, “...liked to drift off to another room and hide when more than two people are present”.
“That’s not true.” I said, arranging myself dangerously close to Lauren. “Yes it is.” Nora said. “You’re a hermit. Lauren has to sense that much.” “Not in bed.” Lauren mumbled.
At that moment Nora rose from her seat and headed into the kitchen. Lauren was trying her best to get my attention with succulent kisses on my neck, but I was suddenly distracted by Nora’s actions. More so because I hate how every move she makes draws my curiosity. Why did she leave the room? We’re we making her
uncomfortable? Did she just want more wine? I bounced around these thoughts as Lauren made contact with my mouth.
I grinned widely and suggested we stay at bit longer. Lauren and I continued taunting our need to submerse in a bout of love making until I realized a good amount of time had passed since I last saw Nora. Granted, I was a bit tipsy and totally into Lauren, but it wasn’t like Nora to disappear. Just then, Nora abnormally waltzed into the room. Lauren giggled from beneath the hair by my neck and excused herself to the bathroom. Nora was also undoubtedly buzzed.
I just sat there, darting peculiar looks, as she starred back. I started to get up to change the CD to something more of her taste, but she abruptly stopped me with her hand around my arm.
“Don’t.” She said in a soft, yet stern voice. “Don’t what?” I asked.
I moved right past her and made my way to the stereo. As I flipped through her retro CD collection I could suddenly feel someone very close to behind me. I thought for a second it was Lauren, until I turned around.
Nora’s breath reeked of red wine and I could tell she drank too much, too fast. Nora wasn’t really known for drinking a lot as she often made the claim it would ‘compel her to speak the truth’. As our eyes met I began to feel an awkward dizziness. It turned me on. Her eyes were red and seemed to have conjured some sort of liquid within them.
“I think I’m in love with you.” She said with a noticeable slur.
I could literally feel my heart sink then take a giant leap into my throat. I couldn’t speak. Nora may have been drunk, but I sensed a hint of passion and unprecedented confidence. As I looked into her bleeding eyes I sensed she couldn’t believe she just uttered those very words. As love was such a strong yet gentle word that can forever change one’s life. Just four little letters. Readily spoken by poets and literate sorts or women of substance, and men whose fathers taught them to hug and carry a feminine ease.
laughter and say “Gotcha!” Instead, she kept speaking.
“I think I’ve always been in love with you. Seeing you with her, here… Oh God, I need to sit down.” She said.
Just then, Lauren walked back into the room. All she could see was me at the stereo holding a CD and Nora sitting on the sofa with her head in her hands.
“Is she okay?” asked Lauren.
I didn’t answer, but then Nora raised her head in an awkward pose and said, “I think perhaps I’ve had too much to drink. I should probably go to bed.”
She rose from her seat and extended her hand to Lauren once again. “Nice meeting you.” said Nora.
Lauren replied graciously and we grabbed hands to head out the front door. I tried to give Nora one last look into her eyes as we left the doorway but she just wasn’t having it. Her head was bowed down, broken almost, in a drunken state.
Not one word exited my mouth the rest of the night. Lauren spoke wildly the whole ride home about random things I couldn’t begin to recall. The second we reached inside my place, I grabbed her by the waist and proceeded to block out the evenings events with foreplay and loud music. But my mind was on Nora. As my body rhythmically moved against Lauren, tiny images of Nora popped into my head. I kept thinking, what the hell just happened? Was it a joke? Was she just drunk? Guilt rose within me as I realized where I was and who I was with. I quickly centered my attention back on Lauren as she grew weary from intoxication and soon fell asleep across my chest.
Saturday morning came without warning. I wish I had a hangover. At least then the proceeding night would be a blur. However it was not. It was as clear as the awfully bright sunrise. I could feel Lauren breathing heavy next to me. Thankfully not one part of her body was touching mine and I found this a perfect time to make my escape. But to where? The fact that I wanted to escape meant something. I glanced over at the clock. 6:52.am. Damn it was early. Course it would be a great time to grab some coffee and fresh air. I slid out of bed to find no clothes around. I suppose we were unearthed before even reaching the bedroom. I walked into the other room and there lied my jeans and a crumpled brown t-shirt. It smelled of pizza and vodka but I didn’t care. I dressed and proceeded into my tiny kitchenette to write Lauren a note- Gone for coffee
and bagels, be back A.S.A.P.
Where was I going? I knew where I wanted to go, but first, coffee. I grabbed a small cup at the closest convenience store and then headed straight to Nora’s. As a sipped on the strong brew, I could still hear Nora’s voice in my head from last night. “I think
I’m in love with you.”
Driving down her street, I still didn’t know what I was going to say. I didn’t even know why I wanted to address it. I thought back at the time we once kissed on shear curiosity and obvious driven emotions. I didn’t think twice about its mistake then, and we moved on without ill-sorted feelings.
I’ll go ahead and admit it. I’ve been known to occasionally stare at her lips, her eyes, the shape of her torso as she walks into a room, but it’s purely an animalistic thing men do as well. Eye candy. She never looks at me that way, at least not to my knowledge. I’m just a kid with mild ambitions that would never match her standards. I’m a damn musician for God’s sake. No one as sophisticated as her would fall for a broke musician. We think outside lines and reason.
I reached her front door and took out my key to open it. It was silent and empty. I sensed Nora was no where in the house and headed toward the back porch. I
immediately noticed a familiar image sitting at the round wooden table. It was Nora. Her legs were folded up as she rested her head upon her knees. A small cup of steaming tea sat beside her on the table. I softly said her name but she didn’t respond.
“Nora?” I repeated.
She looked up at me with incredibly swollen eyes and made a slight attempt to grin. I smiled back and searched for the right thing to say, or do. Nora looked back down at the ground then began to stand up.
“Avery, I’m-.” She began to speak with a shaky voice.
At that moment, I don’t know what overcame me. There was just something in her voice and the gentle October wind as it brushed wildly against her hair. Or maybe it was the smell of familiar tea and her presence which always brought me such ease. Whatever the reason, I rushed toward Nora and kissed her.
It wasn’t like our kiss before. It wasn’t like anything I had ever experienced. She wasn’t sorry for what she’d said. Her lips revealed the truth. I took a deep breath as I felt her taste my lower lip with her tongue. Nothing I had ever experienced with a woman was nearly as sensual as this moment. Her hands slowly began to move and touch the back of my neck. I could feel the chills rise as I began to lower my arms to her waist. Before I realized it, we were moving into the house. I kept kissing her, never letting my lips leave hers. I wanted her on the bed.
We finally made our way into the bedroom. It was barely lit due to her forest green drapes across the window. I could still smell the aroma of tea. For a moment, while at the foot of her bed, we looked into each others eyes. I had never been so shaken in all my life. There we were- kissing, with passion and honesty. My heart wanted to hear the words again. “I think I’m in love with you.” Only I didn’t hear them. I felt them.
The only thing I could muster up enough strength to say was, “Are you sure?” Nora didn’t answer. Instead she took her thumb and brushed it against my lips. We fell onto the bed and began to find ourselves inside each other’s body. She made
love to me in a way I’ll never be able to forget. Each time she would thrust within my legs, tears would form. I never felt so good. It almost seemed sin to lust for her touch, her taste.
An hour must’ve passed as we endlessly tried to avoid the silent seconds following sex. However the moment inevitably came. We lied naked across each other in her once perfectly arranged bed. I glanced over at Nora to notice her looking back at me with an inflamed face. She wanted more. Though I wasn’t sure I had more to give. I took a second to glance over at the glowing clock by her bed. 9 am. Shit.
“Lauren.” I mumbled. “No, it’s Nora.” she said.
I began to rise from the bed to once again, find no clothes around me. I grabbed the white sheet torn from her mattress and walked across the bedroom.
“I told her I went to get coffee.” Nora laughed at my embarrassment and lies.
“I should get back.”
Nora laid there and watched as I rapidly dressed. Her demeanor soon changed into shock as she watched me dress with agitation. I didn’t want to leave, but I couldn’t stay. And even if I did stay, there was too much reality to face. I’ve never dealt well with reality.
Nora could tell I wanted to say something as I walked out of her bedroom, but I didn’t. I just left. Driving away from her house I thought about where I should go. But before I could come up with something I ended up in the parking lot of my apartment.
As I entered my apartment, it was just as I had left it. Lauren was still asleep in bed. Thank God, I thought. I didn’t even want to begin conjuring up a lie to explain where I had been for so long. I quickly ran into the kitchenette to crumple up the note I had left her. My mind was numb, unlike my body which felt on fire. I grabbed the coffee pot from the counter and filled it to the brim with water. Then I reached above me into
the cabinet to obtain a can of coffee beans when I heard footsteps. It was Lauren. Suddenly I became overwhelmed that my life was no longer few and far between moments. They backed into each other like uneasy customers at a grocery check out lane. I felt claustrophobic. Chaos never suited me. Though I claimed to be an artist, free from form and symmetry, I highly regarded order and perfection. And right now, neither Lauren nor Nora complimented those assets.
Lauren joined me at the kitchen table. Her body looked disheveled and hung over. Perhaps she would want to leave. I grabbed an old newspaper to avoid looking at her right away.
“Good morning.” I said, hiding behind the paper.
Lauren got up and walked behind me, brushing the hair away from my neck. I could feel her breath as she leaned over to kiss my shoulder. I immediately jumped up. A subconscious reaction nonetheless, yet lacking great discretion.
“What the…” She said.
“Coffee?” I asked, trying to steer her confusion.
“I’d rather have a kiss first.” Lauren said, as she walked over toward me. Her lips tasted unusually sweet considering the whiff of morning breath I caught before leaving earlier. As we kissed, I wanted to pull away. Perhaps it was only the spoils and surfaced pleasures that kept me interested.
“Mmm.” She moaned. “I love this.” “Love what?” I foolishly asked. “Waking up to you.”
My thoughts instantly jumped to the lesbian tradition of ‘first date roses, second date u-haul’. Call me old- fashioned, but I think you should get to know someone first before committing to mutual living quarters. Hell, I’d even go as far to bring up the forbidden marriage vows. A novel thought, but still ingenious.
ass vodka. I think I’m gonna lie down for a while.”
“Okay baby. Let me know if you need anything.” She said. Space would be nice, I thought. Though I did have a headache. An excruciating one the size of Texas with two overzealous women occupying the county line. I went over to the bare sofa and plopped down. Insane ideas began entering my head, such as the thought that I should be enjoying this. Who wouldn’t? Two beautiful women soliciting for my attention, isn’t there enough of me to go around? Yeah right. I could only dream of being an easygoing playboy. It’s simply not in my nature to cheat. Although technically, I just did. My headache worsened.
Lost in a sea of irrational thoughts, I completely disregarded the sound of the telephone ringing. Lauren picked up. I jumped up from the sofa only seconds after focusing in on Lauren holding the phone.
“Shit.” I whispered. “Who is it?” “Nora.” She said.
Oh God, it’s over. She’ll tell Lauren and my ass is grass. Just then I noticed her smiling.
“Thanks Nora.” She said to her. “Bye.” “Well?” I asked.
“She was just thanking us for coming over last night. Nora’s pretty cool.” “Yeah.” I faintly replied.
What in God’s name did Nora just call here for? And what if I picked up the phone instead of Lauren? Was she really calling for that reason? I was starting to lose it.
“Feeling any better?” asked Lauren.
“I need some air. You want anything while I’m out?”
Here I go, leaving again. Only I didn’t want to go to Nora’s. And I didn’t want to be at my apartment, especially with Lauren. Hell I didn’t even want to be in my own skin right now. Lauren looked a bit confused, but nodded no as I walked out the door.
Right now I didn’t want anything near my body, as it felt tainted and abused. I knew it was mostly done by myself, which disturbed me even more. I hated such imperfections around me. Tattoos, piercing, scars, inflictions. Nora and I.
When I was ten, my father up and disappeared from my life. We were very close and I looked up to him. But I was young and just innocent enough to fall subject to the complications of selfish behaviors in adults. He left me and my mother to pursue his own freedom. Subsequently, it explains why I’m so hell bent on being reliable and consistent. Still, he was mine. His blood, his daughter, but that didn’t seem to matter. My mother never spoke of his disappearance. I was raised not to ask why he left and to simply believe his departure was answer enough and that was okay.
Lately I’ve noticed I leave anytime I sense heat or discomfort. I leave when a crowd anticipates. I leave women, I leave ambition. I leave my own emotions from time to time. I was an angry child after my father left. I was angry he left me without any explanation. My mom thinks that’s why I’m gay. No male figure equals lesbian daughter. I wish it were that simple.
One night, about two months after he left I decided to cut myself. The goth girls in my math class were doing it all the time in the bathroom. They always looked like they were suffering emotionally and the cutting was a way to release. So I went home and locked myself in my room and cut myself with the tab of a coke can. I kept digging deeper and deeper until I could feel something. By the time I did there was blood dripping onto my bed.
I still have the scar. Its ugly and I hate looking at it. It just reminds me of how stupid I was and how angry the very thought of my father made me. I never cut myself again. I still refuse to have anything pierced or tattooed on my body. I hate imperfection. It’s equivalent to chaos. Much like the situation I’ve found myself in with Lauren and Nora. Chaos.
payphone just to see if Lauren was still waiting for me. She answered after only one ring. “Where the hell are you?” She asked.
“I don’t know.” I said.
“What? How can you not know? Have you been drinking? Tell me where you are and I’ll come get you.”
I hadn’t been drinking. I found myself aimlessly wandering around town and truthfully I did know where I was, I just didn’t feel like divulging myself to Lauren. Selfish, I know. I hung up the phone, leaving Lauren pissed and shaken. It was the most disturbing thing I’ve done to her.
I desperately wanted to see Nora but the thought of our relationship changing sparked distaste. That bitch, I thought. Trampling into my love life with such cocky assurance, as if she knew I’d be hers at the end of the day. But I did have feelings for her. Unmistakable feelings now that we’ve made love.
I decided to let two days pass by. Allowing our sacred Tuesday’s to speak for itself. When the morning arrived she was a no show at the coffee shop. I waited a while then went across the street to see if she’d ever show. And she did. Nora paraded into the place, absolutely confident I would be there. But I wasn’t. Yet, she waited, for almost two hours. Wearing her best black pant suit as her hair delicately swept around her neck. It was hard to resist the temptation to run across the street and into her arms.
This game of Lauren or Nora felt absurd. Like a trite box office romantic comedy. Will she choose the free- willing former art major or the well versed English professor? Easy, right? Of course she chooses the professor. They have history and Lauren seems a tad one-dimensional. However, romance would change the dynamics of her friendship with Nora. No longer can they innocently flirt or allow ‘what ifs’ to drive momentum. It becomes the real thing and there’s no turning back. When did my life become so trite?
Obviously I knew Nora waited for me for two hours because that’s how long I sat across the street watching her until she finally left the café. At this point I had to run after her. I missed her. I missed what we had. Didn’t she know this would happen? Don’t they teach you this in college? If you tell your best friend you love her, it’s probably gonna freak her out!
Ultimately I decided to leave well enough alone and head back to my apartment only to find Lauren had left roses on my doorstep. Cute, I thought. I grabbed the bouquet and went inside. When I went into the kitchen I could see the light on my answering machine flashing. I pressed play and walked over to the cabinet to retrieve a vase. No vase. An old oversized Styrofoam cup will have to do.
“Avery it’s me. Look, I don’t know what’s up with you. I told you a long time ago I don’t play games.” Lauren said on my machine. “I hope you’re alright. Bye.”
Two more messages followed with the same roundabout words. Then the last message played.
“Avery, it’s Jack. Mom’s in the hospital. She’s been in an accident. You need to come home. Call me as at this number as soon as you get this.”
I dropped the cup of roses and stood stunned as the water from my faucet ran uncontrollably hard. I didn’t hear the number my brother left. All I could recall was that mom was in an accident. And even as I heard the very words aloud, my first thought was that it couldn’t be true. She’s a mom. My mom. Mom’s don’t get in accidents. They live forever, right?
I turned off the water and went over to my machine to get the number Jack left and immediately called him. The phone didn’t ring long.
“Jack? It’s Avery.”
“Thank God Avery. Where have you been? I left that message yesterday. Mom was in a car accident, you need to come home. She’s not doing well-“
I cut him off before he could say anything more. I couldn’t handle hearing anything bad about mom. Jack has always been able to handle tragedies better than I. He’s the rock in our family. I’m the lesbian and he’s the rock.
“I’m on my way.” I replied with urgency.
An hour and a half bus ride later I found myself back home. Norman, Oklahoma. The home I ran from to find reality. Now reality was starring me straight in the face. Jack was waiting outside the station in his precious BMW. I hated that car and everything it stood for, but it’s not his fault he’s good with money and I’m good, without so much money.
I slipped inside his car without saying a word. He looked awful, rugged almost with a three o’ clock shadow and wrinkled attire. About half way down the freeway he finally spoke.
“It’s good you came.” “Of course I would, its mom.” “No, I mean its pretty serious Avery.”
“Don’t... Let me just see her first.”
We pulled up in the hospital parking lot and found a spot near the Emergency Door. As we got out of the car, Jack tried to prepare me for the worst. But I blocked him out as I began to recall how much I loathed hospitals. I hated the sterile smell and gloom of illnesses. I’ve been very fortunate to have never broken any bones or undergone any major surgeries, which is probably why I’ve conjured up such a stigma about hospitals. We walked down several long hallways before reaching her room. When we finally arrived at her door, my throat began to close up. As we entered I could see my step-dad, Joe, standing at the foot of her bed. I immediately walked over to look at mom. Her eyes were closed and she was hooked up to several beeping machines. I didn’t want to ask how serious it was or what even caused this to happen.
“Is she conscious?” I asked.
“At times. And she’s asked for you.” said Jack. “And a cigarette too.” My step-dad Joe added.
Those damn cigarettes. I hated the smell, not to mention the taste. Like every other curious pre-teen, I too tried my hand at a Marlboro red. I sucked in, coughed it out and that was that. Mom, on the other hand love to drag till the butt ran dry. It followed heavy with her laid back personality and sinister commentary.
I grabbed her hand and began to uncontrollably cry. I could feel Jack behind me, touching my shoulders in comfort. We stayed in this position for what felt like an eternity. Flashes of Christmas dinners and random childhood memories came rushing back. My thoughts were quickly interrupted by the sound of my step-dad’s deep voice. He abruptly excused himself to get some rest, as he had been with mom non-stop for two days. Jack tended to walk him out.
“Will you be alright?” Jack asked. I nodded and stood up for a moment.
I thought about what to say aloud. I wanted to tell her I was sorry for leaving home. I should’ve never been selfish in wanting to pursue my dreams. I felt so small and helpless, as the only thing she ever wanted to do was love me, but I ran and rebelled.
“I love you mom.” I whispered through tears and a broken voice. “It’s funny a few days ago I was stressing over a stupid class paper and walking around like my problems were the worst thing in the world.”
I stopped to catch my breath. I couldn’t even tell her in an unconscious state what was truthfully mulling around inside my mind.
“I don’t want to lose you mom.”
Suddenly I felt her hand move as I continued to embrace it. “Mom?”
Jack entered the room about the time she made a faint move. “Jack she’s moving!” I said.
“I’ll call for a nurse.” he said.
He reached above her bed and pushed a button which apparently summoned a nurse’s assistance.
“Avery here’s your cell phone. It was in the passenger’s seat, you must’ve dropped it.” He said, handing me the phone.
I didn’t even know I had it on me. I must’ve put it in my pocket this morning. I glanced at the screen to see if it was on, but it wasn’t. Oh God, I thought and said aloud. Nora.
“What is it?” asked Jack. “Nothing.”
The nurse walked in as mom started to open her eyes. Jack began speaking to the nurse as she checked on mom. I didn’t want to listen to them ramble on about her condition. I know it was shear denial working overtime, but it protected my heart. I starred at mom, watching her slowly come into focus with her surroundings. I continued
to grasp her hand. The only thing I heard the nurse say was “Let her rest”, and then she left the room.
Mom didn’t make any more conscious movements that night. She fell back into a slumbered state. I sat beside her for hours with Jack as we watched her breathe. It was comfort enough. As the sun rose, we both craved for some sort of a stimulant. Jack encouraged me to get some coffee and a bite to eat so I could stretch my legs a bit. I wasn’t too keen on the idea of leaving mom or walking around the hospital, but I listened to my brother without arguing for once and stepped outside the room. I walked down the well lit hallway and reached my hands in my back pocket for cash, but felt my cell phone instead. I turned it on, with the intention to call work and explain what’s going on. A voice mail icon immediately popped up, so I checked my mailbox first. There were four messages from Lauren, one hang up and none from Nora. I deleted each one before Lauren could finish saying “Hi it’s me” and promptly called work. My boss naturally understood, and then I turned off my phone. To even think about Lauren or Nora felt oblique.
I finally reached the lounge and ordered two coffees. As the cashier handed me the change, I glanced over my shoulder and noticed how incredibly quiet it was in the lounge. Doctor’s, visitors, the janitor, all pierced with silence as they checked their pagers and turned magazine pages. My mind shifted to school. I should probably leave a message with my professors as well. Hopefully they’ll understand. I began to make my way back to the room and just as I opened the door, I heard Jack’s voice. Mom’s eyes were open.
“Come here Avery” He motioned.
I put the cups down on the small table by her bed and raced over to see her face.
“Mom?” I whispered.
She slowly rolled her eyes over in my direction. I could see them filling up with tears, as were mine. A faint grin appeared on her face. It wasn’t what I was expecting. Mom was frail, immobile. The pain appeared to assail her body as she let out tiny moans and sighs. Then her eyes shut.
“It’s okay now, she knows you’re here.” Jack said
Hours passed and we didn’t really talk much. For comfort, I watched mom’s chest slowly rise and fall. Then Jack finally let out a question that was obviously brewing inside him for hours.
“Don’t you even wanna know what happened?”
I looked into his eyes as he stood up from the chair and walked over to the window.
“It was a fucking drunk driver. Only nineteen years old. Can you believe that? If I had seen the bastard there I would’ve killed him.
“Seen him where?”
“It wasn’t but a few blocks from her house. She was on her way back from the grocery store- to buy cigarettes. God damn cigarettes. How is this anyway to-“
I quickly stopped him from saying “die”. “She’s not going to Jack.”
“Avery… Fuck, I don’t know.” He said, starting to break down. I walked over to him and grabbed his arms to hug me. We embraced for a moment and I could feel my big brother cry on my shoulder for the first time in our lives.
“Jack?” “What?”
“You curse too much.” “Shit, I know.”
We shared a teary smile and I turned my attention back to mom’s breathing. “So how’s your love life?” He surprisingly asked.
“Jack!” “What?”
“I don’t think this is the time for that.” I loudly whispered.
“Oh come on. My life is boring. Plus you know how mom loves hearing about your little lesbian dramas.”
“I don’t have lesbian dramas.” I said in an agitated tone. “Yeah but everyone around you seems to have them.” “Oh you mean like threesomes or a ménage a trois?” “Yeah, like that.”
“Jack, they mean the same thing.”
“Well at least tell me how Nora is doing. I’m surprised she didn’t come…” “Hey, could you hand me my coffee please?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“Well?” Jack probed as he handed me the cup. “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”
“Why? You always want to talk about Nora. Did you two have a little tiff or something?”
“Something like that.”
“Oh, wait, aren’t you dating some new chick?” “Jack I swear. You need a girlfriend.”
He raised an eyebrow at my factual comment and took a sip of coffee. Jack said nothing more, sensing my apprehension to talk about such meaningless things. He then grabbed a chair and slid next to the bed. I leaned back in my chair and unknowingly closed my eyes.
Nora, I thought, I missed her. I began to think about making love to her. I thought about her face as we consumed the bed with gasps and moans. Her eyes haunted me, as they would squint with each thrust of my hand inside her thighs. God, I’m terrible,
thinking about sex at a time like this.
Why did this have to happen with Nora now? Right when I needed her, as a friend. I didn’t need this lingering thought of her. Especially of wanting her, to grab the back of her neck, pulling her insanely close and tasting her tongue, her mouth. Damnit God, make it stop. I’m in a hospital room with my ailing mother thinking about Nora’s skin. As always, she consumes me.
“Mom?” Jack said, interrupting my thoughts.
I shot up from the seat to see her eyes open, starring at me. She smiled and so did I.
“Jack, go get someone!” I said in a dramatic fashion.
However, just then a nurse entered the room. She casually moved around the bed, checked the machines, then spoke a few ritual words and left.
“The doctor will be in soon.” The nurse said, as if we were waiting for the all mighty presence of Jesus to appear and perform a miracle.
Mom made a few tiny adjustments then cleared her throat. “Don’t try to talk mom.” Jack said.
“Jackie.” Mom said in a raspy tone. “Shut up”.
We both smiled. Seconds later the doctor entered the room. He made an obvious entrance, clad in a white coat and clipboard. I swore I heard angels chime as a bright light shone down on him from the heavens. I must’ve subconsciously rolled my eyes because I could see Jack out of the corner of my eye giving me this bewildered look.
“How are we feeling Mrs. Roberts?” The doctor loudly roared. “I need a cigarette.” She mumbled.
“Not a good idea.” He said, checking her vitals.
The doctor turned his back to mom and asked which one of us he should talk to about her condition. Jack spoke up and they quickly walked outside the room. I found it disturbing but I was too distracted by mom’s alertness to care. I walked over to her and
sat down on the bed.
“Where’s Nora?” She promptly asked. “Not here.” I quipped.
“Drama.” She sassed back.
I smirked at her humor, as she always reminded me where I got my jaded sarcasm.
“Avery, I need to tell you something.” Mom grabbed by arm then continued. “I want to tell you how proud I am of you.”
“Mom.” I said trying to stop her.
“You’ve always been special Avery. I never tell you that. And don’t be like Jackie. God love him but he’s such a –“, mom paused for a moment and let out a long moaning sigh.
“Mom?”
“Quit being so scared Avery.” She said in between sighs.
What mom said startled me. I was scared, but for more reasons than she realized. I had no idea where it came from but it was as if she could hear my lifelong internal battle ticking away. It was as if God was speaking through her to me, reaching out for some reason, perhaps to bring us closer. It gave me hope.
I smiled at mom as we held hands. Then I heard the door open behind me, but I didn’t turn around, assuming it was only Jack. Yet I noticed mom was making a peculiar face at the person behind me so I turned around. It was Nora.
“Jack called me.” She stuttered.
Nora wouldn’t move away from the door. She looked frozen. My eyes were fixated on her, until I heard mom’s voice.
“Go.” I unmistakably heard mom say, as I looked at her with awe. Mom always knew she was just different than any other woman in my life. Something in her eyes, she would say, something honest. But I always ignored her,
believing she was just trying to get someone older to tame me.
“I’m not leaving mom!” I stated with tears gathering in my eyes. “I should go.” said Nora.
I didn’t try to stop her. I couldn’t think about this right now. It was bad timing on her part. I needed her, but it instantly hurt inside to see her right now. Nora walked out just as Jack walked back in.
“Why did you call her?” I asked Jack.
“Why not, it’s Nora.” He innocently replied, and then his attention was quickly diverted to mom.
“Hi mom.” Jack lovingly spoke as he walked over to her side to sit down. I rose from my place by her to let him in. Then I walked clear across the room, allowing them to have a moment.
“I’m thirsty.” Mom stated as she motioned her hand to her mouth. I nodded then noticed there wasn’t an empty cup around so I headed out of the room. However I didn’t make it far. Nora was standing against the wall by the door. I didn’t notice her sullen look when she first entered the room. Nora’s eyes were swollen with dark enveloping circles surrounding them and her hair was pulled back in an unflattering ponytail.
We stood there starring at each other for a moment. She looked worse than I felt, but something still radiated in her eyes. Something I could never resist since the day we met. Nora knew me. She knew my will and strength, and she knew I had neither to rely on right now. It’s a powerful thing to have someone know you more than you know yourself at times.
“Come here.” Nora said as she reached in to hug me.
I fell into her embrace and completely broke down. She held me, wiping my tears as they uncontrollably fell onto her cheek and neck. She smelled amazing, dripping of lavender and familiar green tea. It delightfully offset the horrible hospital aroma.
Granted, I never really liked the smell or purpose of lavender, but today it gave new meaning. It stirred emotions I wasn’t ready for, yet couldn’t ignore.
“You know I had to come.” She softly spoke near my ear. Her love felt good. It felt right in this moment, but I pulled away. “Water.” I said. “Mom wants some water”.
I walked off in a trance. When it rains it pours, I thought. I found security in my goal to obtain a drink for mom. Perhaps if I focused on the small things I wouldn’t get lost in the big picture. As I walked down the hallway I could hear mom’s words lingering in my head. “Quit being scared.” I hated that she was right. It felt as if she saw
me for the first time. Suddenly, I wanted more from her. More words of wisdom, so to
speak. I wanted to give her my thoughts and heart felt words as well.
Racing back from the lounge with a bottled water I formed a stable smile as I reached her door. Jack, Joe and Nora were all standing around mom’s bed. I walked over to her and raised the cup to her lips. She sighed with relief. The sensation of cold must have momentarily awakened her senses.
“Mom I want to tell you that…” I paused, looking around the room. “Um, can I have a moment alone?”
They began to walk out of the room but for some reason unknown to me, just as mom grabbed my hand, I stopped Nora from leaving.
“Nora, stay. Please.” I asked, as mom tightened her grip around my fingers. She nodded and walked over to the window. I looked back over at mom and she whispered the words “water”. I raised the cup again, but this time she didn’t appear so enthralled by the taste.
“Mom, I love you.” I managed to say with a quiver in my voice. “I don’t think we tell each other that enough. And I know how much your going to make fun of me later for this but-“
“What do you mean?” I asked, wondering why she kept repeating herself. We both paused for a moment. I could hear her hesitating to speak, as her breathing began to rapidly decrease. I knew I should probably get attendance for her, but I didn’t want to leave her side.
“Where’s Jackie?” Mom asked, but I didn’t hear her words.
Nora walked over to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. “Avery, she asked for Jack.”
I jumped up and quietly excused myself out the door to retrieve Jack. He was patiently waiting with my step dad, sipping on what smelled like tea.
“Jack she wants to see you.” I said. “I’ll wait out here”. “Are you okay?” He asked.
I nodded yes and watched as Jack and Nora passed each other at the doorway. “Are you okay?” Nora asked, apparently not hearing Jack ask me the same condolence.
I nodded again then slid my back down the wall, hitting the hard tile with a dull thump. Seconds later I began to hear a faint ringing in my ear. However it was quickly interrupted by Jack swinging the door open and dashing down the hall. The ringing in my ear soon became obviously known, as it was clearly coming from mom’s room. I stood up and turned to look inside. A familiar doctor nearly pushed me out of the way to get to her bed. Two nurses then met up with the doctor with a cart of gadgets.
I am not witnessing this. This is not happening. She is not going to –, my thoughts were soon interrupted. Everything slowed down all at once. It felt like I had entered a scene in a movie. Mere seconds later, the room was silent. The doctor turned toward Jack and softly stated, “I’m sorry”. The nurses placed a sheet across mom’s chest then verbalized a request from us for time before they take her away.
This is when I wake up. At least that’s what I kept thinking. She can’t be gone; she was just talking to me. As the doctor left we stood around her bed like statues.
A religious figure shortly entered the room, a priest perhaps. He walked over and spoke to Jack.
I raised my eyes to see Nora in shock. At first I thought she dare not come near me. She dare not try to touch me. However, to my surprise, her eyes swelled to tears in a matter of seconds and she slowly backed out of the room, allowing a nurse to walk in.
My step dad reached over and gently led me to mom’s side. She wasn’t cold, or purple, or stiff. She looked asleep, peaceful. She was gone. Jack’s predictions remained to be true. Maybe he knew something I didn’t know. I grabbed her limp hand and placed it across her stomach.
Tears began to pour down my cheek and onto her bed. I collapsed on her chest, sobbing like a fitted child. I felt someone’s hands on my back, but there was nothing left of me to console. I lied on her lifeless body until a nurse came in to take her away.
I never said goodbye. It was almost as if I wasn’t supposed to let her go. I’m sure it never feels right to let go of a loved one. But I wasn’t supposed to let her go that night, at least not in that way.
One year later.
The day after her funeral I took a bus back to Dallas. When I walked into my apartment, the phone was ringing. It was Lauren. I didn’t tell her anything that happened, but I did break up with her. She wanted an explanation but I couldn’t give her one. I just didn’t need that in my life right now.
A few days went by before I clearly realized I hadn’t heard or seen Nora since the night at the hospital. I wanted to call her but I simply didn’t have the energy to reach out. Besides, wasn’t she supposed to be consoling me or was that too presumptuous? Still, I didn’t call her or try to find out what was going on. I just figured eventually she’d call or come by.
A week later I still hadn’t heard a word from her. Then two weeks. My depression quickly turned to anger. Where the hell is she and why hasn’t she called me? It didn’t seem in her character to just disappear. So I went to her house, but she wasn’t there. I went to the coffee shop, still no sight of her. That’s when I began to worry. I figured if anyone had seen Nora it would be someone at the university. But after talking to one of her students who recognized me, I was informed she just left the school a few hours ago.
What the hell? My head was literally spinning. Fuck her, I thought. I decided this was the perfect time to make irrational decisions. People always make terrible decisions after a crisis occurs. Why did I have to be the exception? So after two weeks of losing my mother, not hearing or seeing Nora, I decided I needed to get away from this place, and fast. So I did the most illogical thing I could of at the moment. In a matter of two days I quit Grad school and my job then bought a one way ticket to New York City. Only two people in my life knew I wanted to live there one day, my mom and Nora. They both used buy me maps and tour guides to the city, perhaps knowing it was probably the closest I’d ever get.
high school. I always had this thought in the back of my head that if anything ever went haywire in my life, I’d move to New York. Why not? Of course I never thought that would happen. The craziest thing I ever did, according to my mom, was move to Dallas, a mere hour and a half away from home. And still, everything felt about the same. I went to school in the day and worked on my music at night. Even after meeting Nora, my life still felt ordinary. Nothing was truly drastic or life altering. But perhaps it was because I never allowed it to become anything bigger. I liked routine and scheduled occurrences. It worked for me, until now.
Along with the actual money to move to New York, the motivation came after selling three of my songs to a popular recording artist. After mom’s death, I dove relentlessly into a creative stint. Our last conversation constantly rang in my
subconscious, driving me to follow my heart and not my head. Consequently, I lost my mind, quitting Grad School and every other rational responsibility I owned before her death. But I did gain a new lease of life. I think.
So its one year later, Tuesday night, and I’m starring at the keys on my upright piano. It barely fits into the tight corners of the loft I share with two Wall Street conservatives, Michael and Robert. They reluctantly rented me the space, knowing a musician wouldn’t fit their suit and tie persona, but I convinced them with a simple trade- a room in exchange for home cooked meals and constant fresh coffee. Proving once again my theory that a college degree still couldn’t hold a candle to the years I worked as a lowly waitress.
I’ve been trying to write a new song for a few hours now, but nothing is coming together right. I wanted to get up, but I knew if I did I’d never make it back to the piano, at least not tonight. But I got up anyway and headed out the door. There was a billboard just down the street from my building that always caught my eye as I passed it. It read: When no one’s home and the lights are on. New York Electric Co. I had absolutely no idea what it meant, which drove me crazy as much as it intrigued me. As I
looked down from starring at the billboard, I saw Michael and Bobby walking toward me. “Hey you!” Michael said.
I nodded and smiled.
“We’re headed to the Roadhouse, wanna come?” Bobby said. “Yeah, sure.”
“Good because we were coming to drag you away from that piano anyway.” Bobby said.
We walked a few more blocks then entered our local hotspot and sat at the bar. They ordered drinks for themselves, knowing I hate it when someone orders for me. So I call up for a beer.
“Avery, you know we love you, but were concerned about something.” Michael started.
“We’re afraid you’ve become one of us.” Bobby said. I looked at them with shear confusion as I sipped on my drink.
“You’re boring honey.” Michael continues, “You’re a twenty-eight year old successful songwriter…”
“Lesbian…” Bobby interjects.
“Twenty-eight year old lesbian songwriter, who lives in the most eclectic city in the world and you’re boring.” Michael said.
“We’ve known you for about a year now, and I think it’s time we intervene. Now don’t kill us, but I know this chick…” Bobby said.
I quickly interrupted by spewing what little drink I had left in my mouth onto Bobby’s tie.
“Chick?” I raged. “Girl.” Bobby said.
“Woman.” Michael corrected. “And she’ll be here any minute”. “You’re fucking kidding me.” I began to delightfully tear into them.
“There she is!” Bobby said, pointing across the room.
I began to rise from the barstool to leave, but Michael quickly apprehended me.
“Wait, just meet her. Please? You don’t have to marry her, just talk to the girl. And I promise we won’t ask you to make out for us.” He joked.
I sighed and sat back down. Michael had such a gentle way of putting things. Besides, I rather I appreciated his twisted humor.
“So who is she anyway?” I asked. “She’s a singer.” Bobby said.
“Really? Wait, how do you know a singer?” I asked.
Just then an intriguing figure entered our presence. She greeted Bobby first, with a warm hug and kiss on the cheek. I initially fought back my interest or attraction rather, to her. There was no other way to describe her but to say that she looked like a movie star. A starlet glow surrounded her appeal.
“Avery, this is Lisa. The girl I’m seeing.” Bobby said, leaning in toward me. Ah, what heartache, I thought. I was already mad crushing on this mysterious Lisa. We shook hands and my apparent disappoint must of lit the dim bar. Moments later, another woman walked up to our growing party. Bobby introduced us and intentionally sat her next to met, even though I was standing up out of shear discomfort. I’m sure it seemed rude, but I kept starring at Lisa.
“This is Sydney. Sydney, Avery. Avery, Sydney.” Bobby casually introduced. I graciously nodded and shook her hand. She wasn’t my type or maybe I was just being a jerk. She was short with choppy hair like a wannabe rock star and messy clothes. Come to think of it, I probably didn’t care much for her appearance because she looked too much like me at the time. I couldn’t tell from the lowlights if her eyes were pretty or her teeth were straight, but as we caught awkward glances of each other I could tell she was squinting to find out the same things about me.
“So, do you know why your really here?” I whispered to her.
“Blind date.” She immediately responded. Her attitude of agitation appeared to mirror mine.
“So I’m sure there are about twenty other things you’d rather be doing right now.” I said.
“Yeah.” She said with a laugh. “Well, it’s just that I don’t date”. “Oh yeah? Then why are you here?”
“Well of course Robert didn’t mention a girl, but then I saw you and…” “Put the two and two together.” I said, completing her sentence.
She let out a tiny giggle and I starred at her features for a moment. She was wearing this faded blue jean jacket, covering some bluish graphic tee and baggy jeans. She could have easily been mistaken for a young boy, but I’m not one to talk. There was a time during my early teens that I experimented with short hair. People didn’t know whether to call me sir or hand me crayons and a kids menu.
Sydney seemed nervous, it was kind of cute. She kept rubbing her hands together and glancing over at me to see if I was looking at her.
“So, Robert tells me you wrote that song playing on the radio a hundred times a day.” She asked.
“Yeah.” I sheepishly answered.
“Wow. I thought maybe it was something he made up to interest me.” “Why’s that?”
“I’m a singer, at a nightclub down the street”.
“Funny. I thought that was something he made up to interest me. So what kind of music do you sing?”
“Anything really. I take a lot of requests so it’s mostly cheesy 70’s stuff. The owner likes to hear Jazz standards, but when he goes on break I’ll slip in something original or Madonna, just to throw everyone off. It’s fun, and it pays the rent.”
“Wow, I would’ve never guessed…” I continued to look at her with this baffled face.
“Well you don’t exactly look like a songwriter.” She smirked. “What does a songwriter look like?”
We shared a laugh, as she curiously didn’t answer my question. She was interesting, I thought. I’d love to hear her sing, but I wasn’t about to go there. So, naturally I changed the subject.
“So how do you know Bobby?” I asked. “He’s my brother.” Sydney said.
She completely caught me off guard with that answer. Hearing her say the word brother made me think of Jack. And thinking of him instantly sent me into an alternate state. My mind shot through images of mom. This usually only happens when I tap into writing music. It’s as if she grabs me into her world. A world where I am led by something I can’t control. I shut everything and everyone out then begin to write and lose reality. But I never had this happen while I was with someone. Why was she reaching out now? Maybe I’m supposed to leave. Women are drama. She was always right about that and I finally decided to listen.
“Avery?” She asked, wondering why I looked as if I’d left the planet. “I need to go.” I said, getting up from my seat. “It was nice meeting you.” I patted Bobby on the back and he whipped around with a puzzled look. I could faintly hear his voice call out my name as I walked away. I went home that night and finished the song I started writing hours ago. A week later my agent called saying some up and coming singer was interested in my music. I gave him the one I’d written that night.
“I’ve decided to forgive you for ditching my sister last week.” Bobby said over the phone. He played with my emotions for as long as he could get away with it on this one.
“Whatever Bobby.” I retorted. “Go back to work. I’ll see you tonight”. “Dinner?” He innocently asked.
“Yes, I’ll cook.” “Cool. Love you.” “Uh-huh. Bye.”
He meant well, as men always do. Besides, I was in a forgiving mood; Jack was coming to town for a few days to visit. We stayed in touch more often since mom’s death.
Eight o’ clock rolled around fast. Michael came home first and I gave him the message Lisa would be here for dinner as well in about an hour. I was a bit enthralled she was coming to dinner. Eye candy. Even as raw at that sounds, I can still look right? Thirty minutes later I heard a knock at the door. It was Jack. We shared a hug and a few girlish screams for laughs. I missed him a lot. We walked into the kitchen and chit-chatted as I finished cooking dinner. It wasn’t but five minutes into our conversation before a very loud Bobby walked into the door. Following him was none other than Sydney. This night would go down as the night I became the biggest asshole anyone had ever seen.
“Shit.” I whispered, throwing a marinara soaked spoon into the sink. “What is it?” asked Jack.
Bobby and Sydney rolled in and greeted Jack. I ignored them both. Syd tried to say hi but I just nodded. We sat down for dinner just as Lisa entered. I purposely gave undivided attention to her, which also gave me an excuse to indecently flirt. She was sweet about my advances, such as leading her with my hand on her back and pulling out her chair before Bobby could do it. Over dinner, several conversations ensued, none of
