"Hold it! Hold it...” The producer yelled. I hope this is it...
I held my pose fiercely, gazing into the camera as the silence that following the loud music made a void in my ears. I could faintly hear the eight others breathing beside me.
"Okay we got it. Girls, that’s a wrap." Simultaneously the crew began clapping.
Relief.
A smile came to my lips as I clapped my hands together. I bowed to many of the crew and it didn't surprise me that the others were doing the same in unison. After all the video shoots we've done together these little details almost came as second nature to us now. It was always an incredible feeling to know that it was finished. This shoot in particular was very long and I was completely worn out. My feet were aching from the heels.
I see a few of the girls run ahead of me as I head back to the dressing room. How they can still have the energy to do that is beyond me. A few others strode past me walking and I couldn't help but grin to myself.
Kim Taeyeon, the youth are passing you. You're too old for this...
That's when I felt a hand grasp mine. My heart stuttered. I didn't even have to look to know who it was.
I chuckled and nodded slightly, awkwardly trying to adjust to a new walking rhythm with her. It was often like this with Tiffany. She always seemed to be clinging to me in one way or another. We sort of worked like magnets. She always did these things... not having any idea what effect it had on me. I stared straight ahead listening to my heart ring in my ears from the mere sound of her voice.
"You look cute...” She continued, looping a piece of my hair around her finger. "The extensions, I mean. Have you thought of doing this for real?" "Ah... no. Blonde actually...” I said, looking to her face for the first time. She pouted slightly and met my gaze.
"But pink is the best!" She objected, smiling radiantly.
I truly picked the wrong time to look at her. I couldn't help but smile back. She was like a little girl with how obsessed she was with pink. Even the way she pronounced the word was as if she held it to a higher standard. The smile in her eyes dazed me and I couldn't look away. It was a hazard of looking at her, but it never stopped me from doing it. She raised her
eyebrows in a last stitch effort when I said nothing, as if that could change my mind.
Suddenly, having pink hair didn't seem like such a bad idea...
"Well, if you ever decide on pink just know you have my approval." She smiled.
Her approval. Internally, I beamed.
Her eyes seemed to sparkle at this assertion and I stared into them intently, wishing I could read her inner most thoughts. Why isn't she this affectionate with the other members? Could I really just be imagining this?
She leaned into my shoulder again, pulling me close for a moment as we walked. My eyes were still on her face and I couldn't look away even though she was looking forward now.
"Ah!" She called out.
Her grip on my hand tightened and she pulled me even closer to her. Our bodies were completely overlapping and I felt the warmth of her against me but at the same time I also felt my shoulder graze something. This act of affection was merely her stopping me from walking headlong into the door frame.
"You need to watch where you're going." She said, under her husky laugh. My favorite laugh.
I was sure my face was turning all shades of red at this point. I nodded lowly, finally breaking my stare and apologizing. I tried to laugh it off best I could but our manager was gathering us now. She let go of my hand then to cross the room and check her cell phone.
I felt sorry for the guy. He has it so rough with us; Nine girls are hard to keep in order. Nine of us is damn near impossible.
"Yah!" I shouted, waving them down. Tiffany was smirking when she came to join us.
"Thank you." He said. "Your schedule for today is over-"
There was an outcry of joy in the room. I couldn't help smiling myself but he lifted a finger in the air and silenced the room again. Sunny leaned her head against my shoulder and I put my head on hers. It was such an obvious difference when somebody else touched me and when Tiffany touched me. Sunny was my roommate and best friend; I knew clearly this didn't mean anything.
"Tomorrow morning you meet with the stylists first thing. You need to be well rested so we can get the new looks sorted out. And then, Practice, practice, practice. Music bank next week. This is the last week before the storm hits."
Inside, this excited me. I was chomping at the bit to get back into the
spotlight. It had been too long since we promoted in Korea, but with it came nerves. I only hoped the fans would accept us back after such a long time... "Get a lot of sleep tonight. Don't stay out too late."
We dispersed and the loud general conversation began buzzing again. Immediately as I sit down the stylist begins removing my extensions and I can finally kick my shoes off. It felt so good to sit down... I let my eyes shut just for a second...
"This kid...” Someone remarked.
I opened one eye to find them all standing around me. Sooyoung was smirking down at me and it was evident that she was the one that had spoken. Everyone was wearing their street clothes while I was still in the outfit from the shoot. Did I fall asleep? I ran a hand through my hair to find all the extensions were gone.
"Past her bedtime, how cute." Jessica said, grinning. "Yah...” I grumbled. "You guys really aren't tired?" "I am." Yuri said.
Others nodded, but I wasn't really paying attention because Tiffany came in then.
"Dinner, anyone? Tae?" She asked, looking around.
Before I could answer, I noticed a few of the others trying to hide their smiles. Yoona voiced what everyone was thinking.
"Date night for Taeny?" She said, trying to hide her laughter. "Aish... really?" I said coldly, getting up and grabbing my shoes.
"Sorry Fany-ah, looks like your wife has cancelled date night account of curfew." Hyoyeon smirked, using a mock melancholy tone.
And this... was how it usually went.
The others read the fan forums, as we did, and noticed, like the fans, that Tiffany and I were... 'close'. It became a bit of a running joke for them. Actually, I thought it showed that I was the only weird one of the bunch because a part of me enjoyed people pairing Tiffany and I together. I watched the videos they made and looked at the edited photos. Some of them were funny but some of them were spot on with exactly what I was feeling at the moment. It always shocked and impressed me how attentive Sones could be.
In the end, my best bet was to just stay quiet. Last time I tried to defend Tiffany and myself, I just made us look worse...
"You're just jealous." Tiffany said. My back was to them now as I was pulling out my street clothes but this brought me up short.
"Jealous?" Hyoyeon asked with her eyebrows raised. "Yes." Tiffany grinned. "You don't have a wife."
Hyoyeon stared at her incredulously but didn't have a comeback. This was a rare occurrence.
"I'm sure somebody here will marry me." She smirked, looking at the other girls.
I took out my clothes, laughing, and went into the bathroom to change. While doing so, I could hear some of the girls shouting at me through the door on their way out.
"Stay safe! Good job today!" I yelled back while pulling up my pants. Finally alone. I couldn't think of anything but the bath I was going to take when I got home and how comfortable my bed would feel. Sure, going to dinner with Tiffany would have been amazing but I should really just get some rest at this point.
As much as I enjoy being with Tiffany, it’s much easier for me to avoid it because I tend to turn into a coward around her.
Glancing up at the mirror, I noticed how messy my hair was and pulled a brush out of my purse to take care of it. I really couldn't wait to go to the stylists tomorrow and see what they can do with it. I did what I could to tie it back for now and headed out the door with my purse slung over my shoulder.
"Oh...” I said stupidly. Tiffany was still sitting on the couch. She stood up at the sight of me, smiling.
"You didn't get a chance to answer." She said. "Did you want to go to dinner?"
"Ah...” I started. "I... you didn't have to sit here waiting. If I would have known I would have been faster."
She waited for me. My heart beat sped up frantically. What was the question again?
"No worries." She said. "Dinner?" Go with her... Just... go with her...
"Eh... I'm actually pretty tired I should probably just go get some rest." I said.
You are such a wimp... She shook her head.
"Kim Taeyeon! That was a long day; you're not going to bed without eating. You need to be healthy as a leader...”
My insides were doing back flips.
"A-alright." I stammered, but I was already in movement. She linked arms with me and pulled me along beside her.
All that mattered was that she was holding onto me again... I couldn't be happier.
It was a quiet ride in the back of the van. Too quiet.
I hoped dearly she would be more talkative during dinner or it would end up being incredibly awkward but maybe she was just respecting how tired I was. The entire van smelled thickly of her perfume. It was intoxicating but I had a feeling it effected my vocal cords and thought process negatively. "Here." She said, handing me a pair of sunglasses.
Sunglasses in the darkness of the night. We had to try everything we could to not draw attention to ourselves but this rarely worked. Our fans knew us so well that they could tell who we were by our height and body structure, but I put them on anyway and pulled my hood over my head grinning.
“Yo!” I stuck my lips out and tilted my head in my best gangster impression, folding my arms over my body.
Tiffany looked at me inquisitively before shoving my shoulder. “Dork.”
“What?” I asked, deflating slightly. “My feelings, they hurt.”
“You should feel honored. There is no one else in this world that will ever contest you for the world’s biggest dork.” Tiffany smiled as she put on her sunglasses.
“You say ‘dork’ like it’s a bad thing.” I said, looking out the window. “In your case…” She said as she put her chin on my shoulder. “…it’s definitely not a bad thing.”
I smiled hugely as we parked. The driver pulled us up to a little restaurant close to the dorm that Tiffany liked. It served both American and Korean food so it suited us well. We ordered and got a booth without incident. Our small security consisted of one bodyguard and our driver and they sat at a table separate from us, but close enough to handle anything if it happened. It was kind of dead inside the restaurant and we were seated next to a window together and given menus.
To my dismay, the low light and soft music made this feel like a real date. It set my nerves on edge.
"I'm so hungry!" Tiffany said after we ordered.
"I'm so tired." I responded, taking my hood down and leaning against the booth.
"Poor thing." She smiled. "Eating is important, though. I'm glad I made you do this."
"Thank you for taking care of me." I said under my breath, examining maybe too closely, the grains of wood in the table.
She nodded politely to the waitress as she set our drinks down. I noticed that even though we had an entire booth to ourselves, we were still sitting so close to one another. My mood was picking up rapidly.
"So... what do you think?" She asked, sipping from her tea. "About?"
"The Boys." She looked at me.
"I... don't know." I said looking dissatisfied.
"You know, whenever you don't like a song it ends up being a hit." She chuckled.
I nodded. "You're right, so we'll probably break records and be a hit once more." I said, unconvincingly.
There was a pause.
"You've been different lately." Tiffany said in an undertone.
I looked at her. The waitress returned with our food and I waited for her to take her leave before I answered.
"How so?" I asked, taking a bite.
"Just... less animated I guess. Everyone notices it; we're all kind of worried." "You think I'm less animated?" I asked. I really didn't intend for her to notice a change in me, but ever since my feelings for her had started taking shape I knew for a fact that I'd been different.
She nodded. "Sometimes... it seems like something is bothering you."
"I'm sorry to have made you worry but I'm okay." I said without looking up, half smiling.
After a moment, I realized she wasn't eating. I looked up to find her staring at me with a heartbreaking look. I've always hated that expression on her face. It was a face that reminds me of her youth, our training days. She used to wear it more frequently back then.
I knew she saw right through me, just as she always did. Fany knew me too well.
She scooted closer to me and dropped her voice.
"Tae...” She said, "You know you can tell me anything, right?"
I nodded, certain that if she actually knew what I was hiding that she
wouldn't want to know anyway. I made a mental note to be more animated in the future to avoid sticky situations like this where I'd have to keep things from her.
"Oh, look." She said, looking behind her.
I glanced over her shoulder out the window and saw several people with cameras.
"Wow." I said, "It doesn't take long to catch up with us, does it..?"
could watch her. She's always handled all of this publicity and fan service a lot better than I do.
"They're just fans." Tiffany says between her teeth. She took my hand in hers and pulled me into view again. From the angle I was sitting, my head was practically resting on her shoulder as I waved out to people, trying to make eye contact with every camera.
"It's cold out there...” I said, pouting. "We should go before they get sick."
I glanced at her and smiled before I nodded. We signaled our security and made our way back to the van amidst the flashing of the cameras and the screaming. We rolled down the window to peak our heads out and to wave as we drove off.
"I love them." Tiffany said. "Me too." I said.
I stared intently at the red light we were stuck at as Tiffany leaned her head onto my shoulder. My muscles tensed at her touch.
"I'm getting sleepy now." Her voice was muffled against me.
I hesitated for a moment before putting an arm around her shoulder. I guess she took this as permission to wrap her arms around my waist. All I could do was sit there and think about how this wasn't something 'friends' would just do naturally... It felt like more, and I knew she had to feel it too. I needed
her to feel it. I closed my eyes and tilted my head towards her, smelling her shampoo.
This is just... too much...
For the first time in my life, it felt like I was truly cuddling up with a lover. Couldn't she feel the electric current that was running between us that was so evident to me? I couldn't take it anymore.
"Fany-ah.." I whispered.
When she lifted her head her nose brushed against my cheek. I immediately lost my nerve.
"Are you okay?" I asked without skipping a beat, even though it wasnt the question I really wanted to ask.
"Why wouldn't I be?" She smiled sleepily, reclaiming my shoulder with her head.
Coward.
I would have been content sitting there for hours but before I knew it we were running the cold night air to get to the elevator. Once we got into the dorm I knew that between the 7 others, I'd no longer have her attention or the privacy I wanted with her.
"Thanks for coming out with me against your will." Tiffany said at the door, turning to me. Her eyes had practically disappeared in her smile. I could have died on my feet.
"Anytime." I smiled back.
"Remember, Tae, you can tell me anything." She said again, her face was serious.
I stared deliberately into her eyes and seriously considered for a moment telling her what had really been bothering me.
The words themselves wouldn't be hard to say but the reaction could be terrible. She stared back at me just as intensely, and I got the strangest feeling that she knew what I was going through. I stood there with the words on the tip of my tongue for what seemed like hours until I heard someone on the other side of the door.
"I hear Taeny!"
Jessica's voice. I tried not to let my face fall. Rather, I rolled my eyes at the remark.
"Oh, great." Tiffany sighed, reluctantly turning for the door. "We're in for it...”
"You guys were spotted." Jessica grinned, flagging us to the living room. She had a laptop open on her lap.
"What? It's already up?" Tiffany asked, sitting on the arm of the couch beside her. Shocked, I sat beside Jessica on the couch. She already had the video open and loaded for us to see, of course.
"They're fast...” Tiffany said, sounding impressed.
It was us at the restaurant. The video was titled "[TaeNy] Romantic dinner for two". I winced.
It started out with just Tiffany's back through the window for at least a
minute. She was talking to someone who I knew to be myself. The video had romantic music playing and I eventually stuck my head out and waved right when the song reached its climax. It didn't really seem like a big deal... But then, of course, they went back to replay it in slow motion. Zoomed in. My head close to Tiffany's shoulder. The small smile and glance we shared that was barely even evident when it was played in normal speed... rewound and replayed and reversed again and again. Then it cut to us walking out of the restaurant holding hands and getting into the van...
I was speechless... I just sat there willing myself not to blush. "But... that was like, 20 minutes ago." Tiffany said in English.
"Look at the comments." Jessica said as she scrolled down. She always seemed to enjoy teasing me specifically about this, I was certain, because Tiffany didn't give her the reaction she wanted from it.
"'They really seem to be in love! TaeNy is SO REAL!'" Sica quoted in English. I knew enough English to know what that meant.
I said nothing until she looked at me. "You really do." She said, returning to Korean. "And I see you both every day."
Sica must have seen something off in my expression because her joking demeanor disappeared; she looked at me in a concerned way and asked me what was wrong. Defeated, I just got up from the couch and started heading towards my room. I was okay with watching things like this but doing it right in front of Tiffany with live commentary from Jessica was too
embarrassing...
Someone took my wrist and stopped me.
"I'm sorry." Tiffany looked devastated. "I should have been more careful. I know you don't like people doing this."
I stared at her. This just simply wasn't true. I liked it, more than I should, but I couldn't say that out loud in front of everybody. She was trying to protect me, while I was trying to protect her at the same time. I was just so frustrated at this point I just wanted to tell her everything and deal with the consequences I hadn't even thought of yet.
"I'm not upset, just tired." I said dully, "Goodnight." I dismissed myself and went down the hall, feeling their eyes burning a hole in my back.
I opened my bedroom door and shut it quickly behind me, leaning against it and gripping my hair in my hands.
How could such an amazing night get messed up so quickly? "Yah, what's wrong?" Sunny asked.
probably be here.
"Nothing." I muttered, immediately falling on top of my bed.
Sunny can be quite persistent. She crawled on top of me and began beating my back with her fists in a playful manner.
"Taeyeonie! You better tell me!" She was using her aegyo.
"You really kill me sometimes, you know that?" I groaned, pushing myself up onto my hands and knees and unintentionally roll her out of the bed. We both ended up in a fit of laughter at the loud thump she made when she hit the ground and the squeal she made as she fell. It felt good to laugh. That was the good thing about Sunny. She always knew how to make me do it even when I was extremely upset about something. I was lucky to have her as a roommate.
As our laughter subsided, I weighed my options. I could trust Sunny; I could at least get some advice from her couldn't I? What's the worst that could happen?
In the end, I decided if I was going to tell Sunny, tonight wasn't going to be the night. I was beyond exhausted now and even though I knew I'd probably feel a hundred times better if I talked to someone about it, I made up a lame excuse and dressed for bed.
But sleep didn't come as easily as I'd hoped. I tossed and turned thinking about Tiffany and the night we shared. How she felt in my arms and why I'm suddenly questioning my sexuality after twenty three years. My eyes were
unfocused on the ceiling for what felt like hours as I slowly coaxed myself into admitting what I have been trying to deny for the last seven years. I was truly and deeply in love with her. My Fany.
It felt so wrong to think this so freely. I'm SNSD's Kim Taeyeon. Leader of Girls' Generation and here I was worrying about myself. Imagine what would happen if it went badly if I ever told her. What would happen to the band? It would be terrible if it went public. All the bad press we would suffer just for my selfishness.
Another part of my brain fought back.
Even though I was a leader, did that mean my entire thoughts were no longer my own? Did I not have the freedom to feel, to love, to be?
Ultimately, I didn’t have a choice either way. My entire body and mind was being driven by the one percent of me that was stuck on the idea that Tiffany could tell me it was mutual.
She was all I could see, now… I would simply have to learn how to deal with it.
.. maybe blondes do have more fun ..
This was definitely a new experience. For the first time after leaving a stylist, I look more like a deer in headlights than anything else.
Not drastic, huh?
If anyone would have asked me years ago if I would ever go completely blonde, the answer would have been a resounding no. I always thought to myself that someone had to have just the right face to pull of being blonde. I didn’t think I applied to that group but here I was. A new style, a side part, and blonde hair. To myself, I was unrecognizable.
I stared at myself in the rearview mirror looking nearly catatonic until Sunny stole my attention.
“Taeyeon-ah! My head is so light!”
I tore my eyes from my reflection to look at her. Sunny cut a substantial amount of her hair off to coincide with the wig she wore in the music video we just shot. She was bouncing her head from side to side happily and her hair was all over the place.
Lord, she’s doing aegyo without even trying. We’re done for.
I had to admit the cut was really cute on her, perfect for her style and personality. It was far more drastic and daring than me going blonde, but I considered every little change to myself to be drastic. It would take me a
long time to get used to this. All the people at the salon seemed to like it. I thought it just made me look older.
“Older, yes!” The stylist exclaimed. “But not old! Very mature! Grown up!” Ahjumma, I thought, laughing at myself in the mirror.
“I like it...” Sunny said. “It makes your face light up.” I glanced at her and back towards the mirror.
It could be worse. At least they let me keep most of my hair.
As we pulled up to the dorms I felt a pit in my stomach. I knew we were going home to drop me off and the others would be heading off with Sunny for a live broadcast. I didn’t think they’d be waiting for us by the curb. Subconsciously, I pulled my hood up over my head. Sunny immediately ripped it off.
“Don’t be stupid, Kim Taeyeon.” She said sharply. And I sighed, knowing exactly what was going to happen before it did.
Girls’ Generation, in their excited state, wouldn’t be exaggerated if compared to a hurricane or some other natural disaster. As we got out, Sunny and I were engulfed by them. Picked, prodded and appraised. My head pushed this way and that so everyone could get a view. The only thing I was vaguely aware of was someone kissed my cheek, someone poked my stomach and at some point my butt was slapped. Every other comment, exclamation, or
declaration was blended together to form a white noise. I was glad Sunny was there to bear the brunt of the storm though; as predicted her new style came as more of a shock.
“Unnie, you really look great.” Seohyun said to me in a small voice as they were picking on Sunny.
I laughed. We really got lucky with our maknae. The baby of our group had the most maturity and manners. I thought to myself that I should really show appreciation for her more often. I hugged her.
“Girls. Do well today, make our name proud. Be safe.”
I wave them off. The whole day off to do... what? I didn’t know. I found the door to the dorm ajar when I got upstairs.
Aish! Real smart girls…
They can’t properly secure our home and it sounds like someone even left music on in their room. Even so, having no one inside felt so quiet. It was rare that I was ever in there by myself. When you lived with nine girls, there always seemed to be at least one other person with you there at all times. Privacy was non existent.
I closed the door quietly and locked it before I wandered into the kitchen and leaned against the counter unsure of what to do with myself. Without thinking, my cell phone was in my hand and I was taking pictures of myself. Not the ones with funny faces I’d take with friends, but a sweet genuine smile. It took a few tries to get it right, but when I did I typed the message:
“Can you even recognize me? I miss and love you so much.”
I watched the little lights fill up as the picture sent to my parents before I slipped it into my back pocket. It made me sad that for the next six months, at least, this was the best we could do to communicate with each other. I missed them immensely.
I was only vaguely aware that someone had just walked behind me and opened a cabinet. It startled me.
“Hyoyeon, have you seen my phone?” Hyoyeon?
I froze in place when I noticed the cell phone in front of me on the counter in its pink case. Only then did the voice register to me.
Tiffany.
And I was so sure she’d left with the others, but she thinks I’m Hyoyeon? Maybe from the back. A quick glance? Must be the hair… and the height. Either way I knew I wasn't going to let her live this one down.
I bite my lip to keep from laughing and silently held her phone above my head. A few seconds later she took it and thanked me.
text message. It was a good vantage point for me to stare at her. She looked amazing after visiting the stylist; her dark hair was flat ironed perfectly to frame her face. The newly cut fringe fell in front of her eyes mysteriously and even now it was hiding something.
I could tell she was sending an important message. She looked very serious as she typed and deleted a lot like she was trying to perfect it. I figured she must be talking to her dad. Either way, I enjoyed every second of studying her face while I waited patiently for her to look up and realize who I was. It didn’t happen. Instead of acknowledging me after sending the message, she began to walk back towards her room glumly.
This only reiterates my suspicions about her feelings. If it were me I know she would have stayed to talk, but she’s under the impression that I was Hyoyeon. It’s evidence that she treats me differently than the other members.
I decided I'd follow her back to her room with a stupid grin on my face but right when I started moving my butt vibrated.
Mom. Dad wasn’t much of a texter.
Quickly, and a bit agitated, I pulled out the phone clumsily and saw that I received one new text message, but it wasn’t from my mother.
Disbelief.
“Tae~ how’s the stylist? All the girls are leaving for the show soon and I’ll be here alone at the dorm. Will you be much longer? Xoxo Fany”
All that effort and emotion she put into the message was for this? For me? I felt a rush of affection for her... My muscles were completely locked into place and I couldn’t stop reading the message over and over, even if it wasn’t something significant. I saw the effort and feeling she put into it. I saw how she didn't even notice a person standing next to her while she
thought of what to say. I wanted to know very badly what she had deleted in the process of writing it.
I had to force myself down the hall towards her room with my legs feeling like lead weights. This development should have empowered me, but it instead put my weak heart into a state of swooning. This was no way to let her see me…
Play it cool. Act normal. Be yourself. Pretend like you didn’t get the message.
I nodded to my own commands and stuck my head around her open door stealthily.
What I saw didn’t help my confidence much.
She was lying in her bed, staring at the ceiling, completely expressionless. Music was playing faintly from her stereo and her arms were above her head lazily. Her cell phone was in her hand as if she wanted nothing more for it to
come to life. All for me?
Stop hesitating! Just do it!
With a deep breath, I stood in front of her doorway and folded my arms. “Hyoyeon, huh?” I said, casually.
I expected her to laugh at her mistake but her reaction caught me off guard. She gasped and spoke in a voice that was a few octaves higher than the one she used regularly. “That was you?!”
When her eyes met mine a few emotions flashed on her face; disbelief and awe being the strongest. My smile faded as a small amount of fear ran through me at the idea that maybe she didn’t like my hair.
But she walked towards me slowly and stopped when she was very close to me. Her hand moved my hair out of my face and I wasn’t afraid of the same thing anymore.
“Tae... You look so beautiful.” She said slowly in English. She always spoke in English when she was excited.
“You!” I smiled hugely, “Are very byoo-tipul!” I exclaimed in English to try and lighten things up.
“I know your English is better than that.” She chuckled, quickly returning to Korean. When her Korean wasn’t so good and my English wasn’t so good, my futile attempts at speaking English made her work harder to learn Korean.
Nowadays, I mostly do it to make fun of her or make her laugh.
“Oh, I love it…” She was fully focused on playing with my hair now. “Do you like it?”
Well, I do now.
“I guess it’s growing on me.” I said coyly. I diverted my eyes from hers; it was difficult to look at her in such a close proximity. “I thought you had a schedule today?”
“Nope.” She said. “And you don’t either, right?”
“Nothing.” I said. This was a blessing and a curse at the same time. Home alone with Tiffany for the rest of the day. My brain and heart were in a boxing match.
“Like old times.” She smiled again, patting me on the shoulders. She was referring to the time we spent in together as roommates before we debuted. Felt like a lifetime ago.
It got awkward and silent then and she’s still standing there running her hands through my hair. Her touch nearly unhinged me and I had to resist
closing my eyes. The longer this went on, the more frantic my stomach was growing. I had to take the attention off of myself before my knees gave out. F(x)’s 'So into U' began playing on her stereo. This didn't help.
“So, I’m sorry if I interrupted, that looked important.” I pointed to her cell phone on her bed as I slipped my hands into my pockets.
For some reason, the most important thing to me was trying to find something cool to do with my hands.
“Oh... That was nothing.” She pursed her lips. Liar.
I grinned.
“Don’t be so formal.” She smirked and took my hand, pulling me back with her to her bed.
Now, this was an amazing scenario I’d imagined several times lately, however, under different circumstances.
“Anyway,” She pushed the cell phone aside and sat on her bed. I sat beside her. “I wanted to talk to you about last night.”
Uh-oh.
“Tae…”
I try looking at her with casual concern. “Are you mad at me?”
The way she asked it with so much fear behind her eyes gave me the impression that she had been building up to this for a while, like this was something that has been bothering her for a long time.
“Of course not!” I said sitting up straight. “Why would I be mad at you?” She deflated.
“Don’t lie to me.” She whispered.
Time itself seemed to stop. I gaped at her openly.
“Taeyeon, I know you. I know something’s wrong. And… I know it’s
something to do with me. On the internet… with other members you seem fine. You act different around me and I want to know why.” She said in a rush.
Of course she noticed. She had no reason not to, I made it so obvious. I sat there for the longest time just trying to find words. Speaking openly about feelings has never been my forte. Most times I even found it difficult to express my love towards my family. Being truthful to Tiffany while not ruining our friendship or making myself look like a fool seemed impossible.
My only hope was to drop a hint and ask for more time, I was in no shape to tell her how I felt about her just yet, I wouldn't have even known where to begin.
“Fany-ah… It’s very, very complicated-” I started to say.
“But I’m not imagining it then, there is something?” She said quickly. “Yes, but… I might not be ready to talk about it yet…”
“Tae... What can I do?” She threw her arms in the air, “Just sit here and wonder whether or not I’m losing my best friend?”
Drop the hint. If she feels as you suspect she might understand…
“I think a part of growing up is learning who you really are inside.” I said as I looked into her face for any signs that she was picking up on what I was saying, “And something inside me that I’ve felt for a long time is coming to the surface. It’s something I have to deal with. And… when I find the
strength Fany, I promise I’ll tell you.”
The pain in her face faded immediately. We stared at one another for a long time; she seemed to be searching for something in my face. Switching from my mouth, to either of my eyes… like she was looking for confirmation. “And…” I continued, “You’ll never lose me.”
Her barriers dropped. Her eyebrows twitched when I said this, her eyes went somewhat lazy as if she was dizzy and she took a deep breath all at once.
Oh... my god.
She was the one swooning now. Whether or not she knew I knew this, I had no idea.
She advanced on me so quickly that I thought for one earth shattering second that she was going to kiss me. Instead, she hugged me tighter than she ever hugged me before. Again, it wasn’t a ‘friendly’ hug you give to just anyone, her head was turned into my face and her arms were underneath mine. She gripped my shoulders with her hands tightly.
She was practically on top of me.
Before I could even form a coherent thought, I heard the front door open and voices came pouring in. We broke apart immediately.
The girls were home.
I made it to the hallway first.
“Um..? What happened to the show?” I asked.
“Cancelled!” Sunny said, shaking her hair. This seemed to be her new favorite thing to do. “Baseball game.”
“What’s wrong with you guys?” Sooyoung asked. “You’re flushed. Did we interrupt something?” She grinned.
The others looked at one another, puzzled.
I turned to Tiffany, who was indeed flushed, just like I must have been. “Later.” She mouthed.
.. disco with diablo ..
‘Later’ never came that day but I don’t think I’ve ever been so
understanding and patient about anticipating something in a long time. If anyone was actually worried about me losing my ‘animation’, I probably put them in their place that night. I was in the best mood I’ve been in in recent memory. Of course, everything that was carrying my mood was a mere speculation but it was nice to feel this light again.
Sunny attributed my sudden mood swings to bipolar disorder when she caught me grinning like a fool at the ceiling later as she was getting ready for bed.
“Weirdo.” She called me before turning off the light.
My smile didn’t even falter and I hardly felt tired. I played over the days events in my head repeatedly very glad I had all this time to process everything.
She was totally flirting with you, Taeyeon.
boys. I’ve seen the subtle changes that occur when someone she has a crush on is around. It didn’t even stop when the girls came home either; it just became more subtle and related to facial expressions.
She really has a gift when it came to speaking with her eyes.
I couldn’t help thinking what might have happened if they girls hadn’t come home…
I became aware that I could actually hear my heart thumping faster. I remember specifically singing a song about this feeling in the past but never truly feeling it for myself. You could put me up on a stage in an
uncomfortable outfit, heels that feel more like stilts and a heavy wig on live television to sing and dance and I would feel more confident than I felt being alone in a room with Tiffany. It was a sacrifice I paid for the life I live now. I have no experience with relationships and courtship whatsoever and I’m probably socially underdeveloped because of it. For the first time in years, I felt like a normal person to be thinking about this before bed, rather than dance routines or scripts.
I rolled onto my side, my eyes still wide open with excitement.
Sunny’s body was rising and falling rhythmically, obviously she was already asleep. A symptom of this new ‘condition’ I had was feeling was a strange openness I never had before. I usually kept my feelings to myself but right now I just felt like I needed to talk about this or I’d end up screaming. I controlled myself in the end though, realizing it was already 1 AM and I would have to be up in just a few hours to practice. It would be unfair to make Sunny have to be exhausted with me tomorrow.
But still, my eyes wouldn’t close. A cyclone was churning in my stomach. I stared out the window into the dark night sky and my thoughts went once more to Tiffany’s face.
Her wide affectionate eyes...
Her tall perfect figure and heart breaking smile... Those perfect pouty... kissable lips.
Taeyeon... You want to kiss a female.
I let my neck fall backwards and grinned wider. I wondered what it would feel like...
Then, suddenly, I had the urge to laugh at myself. Did I really just refer to falling in love as a ‘condition’? Then I was amazed at how scattered my thought process was.
You’re not sick, you fool, but you sure are a naïve kid. Falling in love.
It makes sense. The meaning of that phrase comes to me. It wouldn’t be called ‘falling’ if you had control of it.
My face breaks into a full blown smile and I cover it in my hands. I can feel myself turning red and I’m beside myself because I know I’m lying here
blushing at my own thoughts. How awkward…
I sighed heavily and freed my face from my hands before I noticed my cell phone was lit up on the small table next to my bed.
“Tae?” It reads. My mouth drops open. Is she trying to kill me?
My heart rate escalated to a whole new level now. I glanced at the clock that read 1:30 and wrote back quickly.
“Fany? Are you okay?”
I rolled onto my back staring in disbelief at my phone. She was three rooms away and texting me at one thirty in the morning unable to sleep. The
implications of this kind of behavior...
“I’m fine. I just can’t sleep. I didn’t wake you did I? TT”
“No. I was awake too. We’ve got to be up in like 4 hours you should get some rest. ^^” I answered.
I leaned my head to the side against my pillow and waited for her to respond. A million thoughts were running through my mind. My phone dimmed in front of my face and I wondered to myself what would happen if nobody else was home and she wouldn’t have to text me…
My eyes closed as I ran that fantastic scenario through my head with great enjoyment.
“Unnie...”
Someone pushed my shoulder and my eyes popped open.
Unintentionally, I startled Seohyun who was standing beside my bed. Usually, I was a little more difficult to wake up.
I found my cell phone lying on my stomach. The sun was shining brightly through my window.
Oh no.
I sat bolt upright and fumbled for my phone. “I fell asleep..” I said.
Seohyun stared at me incredulously. I must have looked stupid. “I’m up.” I said, looking up at her. “Thank you.”
She nodded and left, still looking unsure about my behavior. I waited for her to close the door before I looked at my phone. Two missed messages.
“I know I should, I just really wanted to thank you for being so honest with me today. You made feel so much better. REALLY, you don’t even know…” “Tae?”
I winced and hit my fist against my head. Why did I have to fall asleep? “I’m so sorry, I fell asleep.“ I typed back, knowing it would avoid
controversy to text this rather than risk telling her and having others overhear.
Shaking my head I threw my phone aside and ran a hand through my hair thinking about the day ahead and how busy it would be but I had been anticipating this for a long time. I was just happy to get off my butt and be working again.
I’m not going to lie, it was a very tough day. We haven’t had a full 10 hour practice day in a long time. We already knew the dance and there were just a few small changes to the stage version compared to the MV version we already knew.
It was kind of awkward though…
I tried my hardest to concentrate but I probably made more mistakes during this practice than any other one we’ve ever had. So many times I looked up into the mirror only to catch Tiffany staring at me, though it was more often that she would be the one catching me staring at her. Throughout most of the choreography we were right next to one another.
The storm in my stomach grew stronger and I knew, even if I didn’t want to admit it to myself yet, that I couldn’t carry this on for much longer,
especially throughout these promotions.
I sat in the corner of the practice room planning my attack during our break. I needed to find a way to get her alone tonight but my mind drew a blank. While the others were resting, she alone was in the middle of the room dancing. I rested my chin on top of my water bottle and watched her longingly.
She always struggled the most with dancing but she has come a long way. The Boys choreography wasn’t the most difficult we’ve done, but it was more about standing out individually, drawing eyes. She's very good at this. I found myself in aw of her body as she moved.
Someone pushed me and I found Sunny sitting by me. She looked toward Tiffany, and back towards me questioningly.
“Two days ago you were upset, last night you were happy beyond belief but I don’t know what today’s expression is. What is going through your head, Taeyeon?” She asked.
I decided to take the offensive.
“Are you stalking me?” I asked with a smirk. She wasn’t deterred.
“You’re hiding something.” “It’s none of your-“
Sunny could be pretty fierce when she wanted to be.
I sized her up, it was only a few days ago I’d considered telling her anyway. Last night I almost woke her up to tell her. Having someone to talk to about this would be so relieving…
“It stays between us…?” I asked, taking her hand. “Yes.” Sunny nodded.
I looked at her bleakly and threw caution to the wind. “I think I’m in love.”
She remained expressionless, though frozen in place. She tilted her head. “That’s it? You’re looking at me like you’ve got six months to live because you’re in love?”
I bit my lip to keep from laughing and nodded. She was right. I was taking this a little seriously.
“You’re so cute!” She laughed.
“Shh...” I said looking up. Tiffany glanced at us after Sunny’s outburst. “So…” She looked back up towards Tiffany and I could tell she was trying very hard to control her face. “When are you going to tell her?”
The smile faded from my face, as well as most of its color. I shook my head. “Oh come on…” Sunny chided me, “I’m your roommate. You don’t think I pick up on things? When in the last few weeks have you had time to meet any guys? Did you think I thought you were texting Danny Henney until two this morning?”
I was speechless.
“I’m happy for you.” She said. “We were wondering when you’d come around.”
“We?” I whispered.
She sat up straighter, “Just a few of us have been observing and waiting.” “Do you guys have a study group too? This is ridiculous. This is my life, not a weekly drama for your entertainment.” I said angrily.
She took my wrist.
“It’s not like that, Unnie, and it’s our life, too. We know what would happen if it ever gets out that two of SNSD’s members are in love with each other; it would effect us all, but we trust your judgment and we really just want to see you happy.”
It took a while to register in my mind exactly what words just came out of her mouth.
“…if it ever gets out that two of SNSD’s members are in love with each other…” Mind. Blown.
“Taeyeon?” Sunny pushed me again. “What?” I shook my head.
“Are you going to answer me?” “Eh?”
“When are you going to tell her?”
Did Sunny not realize what she had just let slip? Better to keep it to myself. “I’m not sure how.” I looked back up at Tiffany who was still dancing.
She’s in love with me, too? Sunny bit her lip.
“You can’t expect me to keep this to myself.” I looked at Sunny severely.
“Please? Just Sica!” She grabbed my arm. “And… maybe Yuri? Please!?” I thought about what else she said to me. About trusting me to protect them
despite the consequences if I happen to mess up… About just wanting us to be happy… This, also, touched me very much. After four years we truly were a family after all.
“I trust you won’t make a spectacle of things? And you won’t tell Tiffany?” I asked.
Sunny nodded, “Promise!”
“And if anyone you tell makes a mess of things, you take full responsibility…” “Yep!”
I grumbled. “I’m trusting you.”
“Don’t keep her waiting, Unnie, tell her soon…” Sunny said, beaming as she stood.
I stood also. “Yes, okay.” I said.
I called everyone to the center of the room as our break was over. We
needed to start actually practice singing and dancing at the same time and I had a particularly difficult note in this song to perfect. As we were discussing this, I looked up to find Sunny hugging Tiffany tightly from behind staring at me with a triumphant smile. Once again I realized I’d have zero
concentration for the rest of the night after these revelations. But I managed.
With a sore throat and tired feet, we made our way home. As we were exiting the elevator, Sunny stopped me. A hand landed on each of my shoulders and without the others noticing the doors closed on us again. I turned around to find her and Jessica standing behind me, grinning.
“Aigoo! Can’t we talk about this another time? I’m exhausted.” I whimpered. “We’re going to do you a favor, Taeyeon-ah!” Sunny said. Jessica nodded. “Please don’t do me any favors. Please…” I brought my hands together and begged for my dear life.
“Trust us!” She pulled on my arm.
I pushed the button to take us back to our floor.
“Just go into our room and wait, Taeyeonie. That’s all you have to do.” “Oh! And push the beds together!” Sica says. Sunny started laughing. I stood there defeated as the doors opened and they walked ahead.
.. complete. ..
I glanced into my room with a towel on my head and a toothbrush hanging out of my mouth. Sunny wasn't back yet and I was starting to get irritated. I gazed down the hallway and saw that Tiffany and Jessica’s door is still
closed.
What is she doing? She said she wouldn’t tell her anything…
I walked back into the bathroom to spit and take the towel off. I ran a brush impatiently through my hair and barely took notice of Yuri who was beside me using a skin treatment.
Not in the mood for this.
“Actually, between you and me I believe you’re the kid.” I bit back.
I felt Yuri staring at me, so I strained my neck to look up at her and realized how unqualified my short self must look saying that to her. She was wearing a huge smile as she patted me on the head.
“I love you.” She said, returning her attention to the mirror.
“No you don’t.” I smirked. “If you loved me you wouldn’t give me any grief and you’d respect your elders.”
“When do I give you grief?” She looked at me, shocked. “Should I make a list?”
She scoffed. “Calm down, Unnie. You worry too much.”
“Worry about what?” I said, putting the brush down and folding my arms. “Sunny will come through.” She said smugly. “You’ll be a happy kid...” I sighed.
“Should have known you were in on it, too.”
“I still love you even if you won’t say it back, Unnie.” She laughed. “Besides, it was my idea. Go wait in your room.”
“Eesh.” I rolled my eyes and walked, admittedly, in a dorky way across the hall to my room. I left the door ajar and collapsed onto my bed leaving the light on.
The one night I had all this time to reflect turned out to be the night I was too tired to think straight. I tried anyway because I wanted to be awake when Sunny came back so I could beat the living daylights out of her.
I rolled onto my back and stared into empty space. I was pretty happy with the information I got from Sunny today though, whether she gave it on purpose or not. I wondered if it was true. I smiled at the prospects if they were. It was another slightly frightening to think of though. To take the next step with someone already so important to me would be unimaginable. I resorted to puffing my cheeks out and twiddling my thumbs to pass the time. I glanced over at Sunny’s empty bed and remember what Jessica told me to do. I got up and pushed Sunny’s bed into mine, pretty much just for something to do at this point, though I still couldn't see the reasoning behind it.
10:14, 10:38. 11:15. The clock was taunting me.
This was getting ridiculous now. I could feel my eyes starting to sag and I decided to check one more time before I turned out the lights and
I pulled the door open and hung my head out to see if the lights were still on down the hall, but my head collided with something, hard.
“Ugnhh!”
I stood there, clutching my head with both hands, wincing in pain. For all I knew, somebody could have just hit me over the head with a baseball bat. Surprising me further, I felt a hand remove one of my mine and looked up to see Tiffany holding her own head and squinting at me...
“I’m so sorry!!” She whispered. My mouth dropped open. “Omo… What are you doing standing there?!” I asked.
“Shh... go in.” She pushed me back into my room and shut the door behind us.
“I’m sorry, I just wanted to make sure you were still awake.” “Make sure I’m still awake, why?” I asked.
“I didn’t want to wake you up.”
I thought for a moment that maybe I hit my head harder than I thought I did and was perhaps suffering a stroke. She was making no sense to me, whatsoever.
“I’m sorry...” She repeated.
“Why aren’t you sleeping…?” I asked. She sighed. “I got evicted.”
She elaborated after seeing the confused look on my face.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with Sunny tonight but ever since we got home she’s just been on my bed chatting away to Jessi. And that was fine for a while because I had stuff to do before I wanted to sleep. But… after I came back from my shower she was asleep in my bed.”
My teeth came together. Was this what Yuri considered a good idea? Keeping the poor girl up half the night on my account?
“Jessi didn’t want to wake her so I just thought I’d see if you were awake, otherwise I’d just sleep on the couch. I didn’t want to wake you.”
I looked at her and noticed she was carrying a pink blanket with her. She looked very cute, her hair was up in a messy bun but she looked tired… “No-no. Don’t ever worry about waking me up. Here…” I showed her to Sunny’s bed and cursed the midget in the back of my mind.
I now understood the whole ‘push the beds together’ thing. I felt like a complete fool for not understanding this sooner.
“We can move these apart if you want.” I said awkwardly. She fell into Sunny’s part of the conjoined bed.
“It’s not a big deal.” She said, smiling at me.
I got into my bed beside her and it dawned on me what Sunny’s intentions were. She wanted to buy me time so I could confess to Tiffany. My insides went cold and I pulled my blankets up to my neck.
Am I ready to do this?
Tiffany reached her hand out to me, pushing my hair aside to look at my forehead.
“I don’t think I left a bruise, where did I hit?”
I freed a hand to put it over the exact spot that was throbbing and she moved my hand aside with her fingertips, examining it.
“It’s a little red…” She pouted.
“Don’t worry about it.” I smiled at her concern. “How’s your head?” She shook her head at me. “I’m fine.”
I nodded. She continued staring at me and I stared back unsure what to say.
“You must be tired.” I said finally. I wasn’t tired at all anymore. She shrugged a little.
to talk to her without having to get lost in her eyes every few moments but the moon must have been large tonight because..
Instead of hiding her face it merely made her look like a beautiful
monochromatic charcoal portrait. I could still see every one of her features, including the smile she gave me now. I was the one facing the window, capturing more of the light so she must have seen the surprise on my face. “I haven’t shared a room with you in a long time.” She said after a pause. “Yeah...” I said. “It’s like a time machine huh?” I glanced down between us and noticed we’re both on the edge of our respective mattresses.
Like magnets…
“I don’t think I’ve ever told you this before, Tae…” She paused. I watched her search for the right words, her eyes were distant.
“When we were little and all this…” she raised a hand and motioned around us, “was just an unfathomable dream for us, I never thought I’d make it.” She was quiet again. I didn't know what to say to that; she never gave me that impression before.
“But since I did, I just want you to know how glad I am I got to come this far with you.” She whispered, “If we had been separated I don’t know if I would have wanted to continue…”
“W-why…?” I asked under my breath.
She shrugged. “I guess since you took care of me so well, you became a part of me quickly…”
She was examining my face closely. I wondered if she could see that my heart was about to break out of my chest.
“Fany-ah?” I swallowed hard. That familiar acceleration in my chest was starting again and my thoughts were no longer making sense.
“Mmm?” Just…
“C-come here.” I moved over to make more room on my bed.
She stared at me, blinking a few times and hesitating, but she complied. I continued leaning on my arms, staring down at her as her head landed on my pillow.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say...” I confessed. I brought my other hand up to cover the lower half of my face. I could feel it shaking.
“Tae, it’s alright.” She took my face-covering hand and used much effort to delicately entwine our fingers. “You don’t have to say anything.”
I felt as though I might start hyperventilating. Tonight was turning out to be the most intimate night I've ever shared with someone and me being so
inexperienced it was easy to panic. Her face looked so stunning... “Calm down…” She whispered, pulling me to lie down.
I stared into her eyes, her face was inches away from mine and her eyes were light and friendly.
“I didn’t mean to upset you by telling you that.” She said. Upset?
I shook my head. Just say it…
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. There were no words for this; my vocabulary was quartered.
“You’ve got tired eyes, Kim Taeyeon.” She said under a husky chuckle. Delicately, she used her thumb to run over my eyelids causing my eyes to close one at a time. I made sure I had one open at all times so I could see her face as if I was afraid she'd disappear if they did.
Her eyes were disappearing in her smile. With a deep breath I took her hand in mine, guiding it down to my chest and placing it over my heart.
Her eyebrows drew together.
Because I love you. Because you complete me.
Nothing would come out... I was starting to get really frustrated and I sat back up.
She sat up with me.
“You look angry…” She said. “I am.” I smirked.
“Why?”
“I feel like a coward.” I laughed.
I felt the weight on the bed shift. She’s was moving closer to me, wrapping her arms tightly around my waist before putting her head into the crook of my neck.
“Please be strong for me, Tae. I need to hear it.” Her voice was muffled. The stage was set. There wasn’t a single doubt in my mind now how she felt. She was respecting me and holding my hand through this without taking the opportunity away from me.
She’s… perfect. She understands.
I turned my head a little towards her and she vacated my neck to look at me. We shared a small smile but I could see she was biting on her lip hard. I
took one last breath and let my eyes close. I still felt like a coward for not being able to look at her while I said it…
“I-I'm in love you, Tipani.” It registered after, in my brain, that it came out in English. I found that extremely odd.
Now I was unable to open my eyes. I sat there for what felt like years just waiting for any kind of response…
Then I felt it. A small hand on my face was directing me to her. My eyes came open at the movement to find her face so close to mine. She let a single finger run along my jaw line until it was under my chin and lifted it, tilting my head back. My entire body was buzzing from her touch.
I closed my eyes again in fear of passing out otherwise.
Finally, I felt her lips brush against mine. Her breath teased my skin and I loved every second of it. Kissing Tiffany was like nothing I ever experienced in my entire life. It was a whole new world in comparison to kissing a boy. If you could imagine being under water but still being able to breathe… like moving in slow motion but perfectly in synch. As if you could capture a spinning kaleidoscope and turn it into a feeling. Behind my eyelids, that was what I was seeing.
There was no gravity. There was no up or down. I was no longer SNSD’s Taeyeon; I was Hwang Miyoung’s Taeyeon and I would remain hers from now on.
hers and held them against the matress on either side of my head. Her fingers slid losely in between mine and I could feel her body come to rest on top of me. It was better than any kiss I've ever seen on TV, better than any sappy love story. This was like an amazing choreographed dance. Every movement of her lips against mine was slow and deliberate, filled with such gentleness and romance. I could feel urgency from her actions, as if she waiting a long time for this and I simply couldn't get over how soft her lips were. My senses were overloaded by her. Her scent. Her taste. Her touch... After what seemed like hours, the kiss broke. I looked up into her eyes, gasping for breath. She was wearing a satisfied grin and despite the moonlight drowning out all the color in the room, I could tell her face is heavily flushed. Her lips looked a deep crimson.
“I love you so much, Taeyeon-ah.” She whispered. “Will you be mine?” I asked and smiled lazily up at her.
She came to rest in my arms with her head on my shoulder, her legs becoming entangled in mine.
“I’ve been yours for seven years.” She whispered.
I smiled up at the ceiling gloriously. I rubbed her back while a hundred thoughts were going through my head about what happens now. About our future, how we’re now a ‘we’. This is what life is about. This is what I’ve been missing out on and now I can have both.
“Tae…?” She asked. “Yes?”
“You know that’s my butt, right?” Oops...
I bit my lip.
.. byuntaeng ..
The look on Seohyun’s face the following morning had us in stitches after she left.
That fact that we slept together in the same bed wasn’t the big deal. It was common place, especially if we were traveling, that a few of us would end up having to share a bed. Our difference was that somehow during the night we ended up tied together in a knot.
We were wrapped together so tightly that I questioned how I was still able to breathe. I had to give Seohyun credit; she stood there and watched us unravel for some time without any outward sign of concern. She was always good at keeping a straight face and even thought the spot of drool on
Tiffany’s chest was funny. It wasn’t until Tiffany sat up and dragged me with her that her expression became a little surprised.
Somehow, Tiffany’s arm had made its way under the back of my shirt and through my sleeve during the night. We were sharing it like a conjoined twin.
“Omo... poor girl. We have to tell her…” Tiffany said as our laughter subsided.
I nodded. “We should have set an alarm or something. I’ll talk to her later.” I glanced up at Tiffany and saw that her hair was completely defying gravity, most of the back of it was standing up on end. I smoothed it over gently with my hand and soon after, I found her eyes appraising me warmly. This was the start of a new day. A new life.
It would be excruciatingly difficult knowing that she’s going to be right there beside me all day long and that we can’t show any outward sign of affection towards each other. My plight showed on my face and I knew she could see it because her hand made its way to the back of my neck and she pulled me in for a kiss.
I felt immediate comfort. She grabbed me by the top of my pajama pants to pull me closer. Her fingertips crossed the line underneath my shirt to rest flat against my stomach as she kissed me deeper. The place where she touched me burned and reverberated throughout every nerve in my body. I could actually feel my face flushing with blood and broke the kiss looking a little embarrassed.
“Are you trying to kill me?” I asked the same question I'd been asking myself all week long.
Her smile alone was her response. She leaned back against my pillow and just stared at me contently, her eyes; perfectly arched lines.
Someone knocked on the door and Sunny came in then, not looking in our direction.
“I just need to grab something.” She muttered, obviously not trying to draw too much attention to herself.
“You! Was my bed comfortable?” Tiffany pointed at her accusingly.
“Yep!” Sunny grinned. She grabbed some workout clothes from her closet and turned to face us at the door. “I’d ask if mine was comfortable too but it doesn’t look like you used it.”
She closed the door behind her.
“She’s got you there.” I said, smirking. Tiffany sighed.
“I should really get ready.”
She got to her feet and I followed her as if i was leading her to her front door after a first date. Seeing Sunny brought me back down to earth and reminded me all about reality. I wasn't ready to face it, I could have stayed
in bed with Tiffany all day and forgot about who I was... Being alone with her this morning made me forget I was an international pop star.
“Don’t look like that.” Tiffany said, using her hands to mold my face into a more desireable expression. “I’m going to be with you all day.”
Sunny came back in then and all my hopes of an 'official' goodbye kiss were thwarted. Tiffany squeezed my hands and smiled at me before leaving. I started dressing, vaguely aware that I was choosing my clothes more
carefully than I normally would for a simple practice. I eventually decided on my pink pants with a white tank top.
They said pink on the butt. I couldn’t possibly think of a more appropriate day to wear these.
Sunny was staring at my outfit too, obviously dissatisfied. “Hopeless dork.” She said as she walked over to me.
“Yah! What are you doing?” I said. She started rolling the top of my pants down to reveal more of my stomach.
“You’re trying to look sexy for your girlfriend, right?” She turned me around and continued to roll them until they got tighter in the butt.
“Right.” She said, turning me back around and fixing my hair under a trucker hat, leaving a bit of my fringe out.
“How... come you’re not bombarding me with questions?”
She smiled all knowingly, “Because your answers are already on your face.” I smiled.
Thank you, Sunny.
After brushing my teeth, I eyed myself in the mirror in my room and sprayed a bit of perfume. I took the hat off to refix my fringe and found a perfectly round bruise underneath my hair. It was purple now and I actually kind of liked it, it was proof that last night was real. I wondered if Tiffany had one, too; we could make couple bruises a new fashion statement. I laughed to myself.
I considered putting on a bit of makeup when I heard someone yell something about our ride being there from the living room.
I did one last quick inventory check befored I turned for the door. Tiffany was leaning against my door frame grinning at me. Her eyes appraising my outfit. She looked pleased.
My girlfriend. I’m sure I was swollen with pride by now.
She bit her lip and stepped back into the hall. The last of the girls were heading out the front door and completely out of view. She pulled me with her backwards, across the hall, into the bathroom where she pulled my faced to hers and I melted when I finally got to taste her lips again. She finished it by biting on my lower lip and giving me yet another look I’ve
never seen on her face before. I was certain at this point that she was indeed trying to kill me.
“Come on.” She said, walking around me and down the hall.
When she moved, I saw what I couldn’t see before. Tiffany’s height had eclipsed the fact that we had backed Yuri into a corner. Yuri gazed at me with an open mouthed smile, her brush a mere afterthought hanging aloof at her side.
Shock froze me to the spot as we stared eachother down. I didn't really care that Yuri knew last night was an absolute success, I knew she'd figure it out sooner or later anyway, all of them would. I just wasn't exactly prepared to have them watching me in action.
“Omo...” Yuri whispered. Her eyes were gigantic.
I swallowed hard, turning on the spot and nearly walking into the door before pulling it open and leaving.
Even when I got outside of the door and was walking towards the elevator I could hear Yuri yelling after me…
“Taeyeonie! Do you love me yet?!”
---The week blurred by and before I knew it, it was the morning of our return to Music Bank.
